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Some bad news - a friend's suicide
10 years ago
"We look for things. Things to make us go."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeFoGo3N_4g
A dear friend of mine, 
kardas killed himself on Jul 22. I only just found out now. I've known him for seven years, and we talked nearly every day.
Many times in the past, he'd thought about it, and attempted it, but each time he did so, he sent a note to me beforehand, and I always talked him out of it. The last time this happened a year or so ago, I recalled getting upset with him and he told me that if he ever attempted again, he wouldn't send me a note because he didn't want to upset me.
So I received absolutely no warning that this was going to happen. We had just talked the night of the 21st. And though I thought that his silence in the past two weeks was odd, he is still on Skype and I figured he must just be occupied. But I now assume his phone is still logged in somehow.
I got an email today from someone asking if I knew what was up, and that they'd "heard the worst", so I immediately googled his name and location, and found an obituary which I know for a fact is him.
http://www.centralkynews.com/jessam.....25992d47f.html
He lived at home with his abusive parents, and I told him that if he ever needed to get out of there, to just let me know and I'd help him. He was one of my best friends and I would have moved the fucking stars to help him if he needed it, if he'd just told me.
Here is the very last thing he ever said to me:
[7/21/2015 21:07:42] Kardas W. Fox: I'm about to cook swai fillets for dinner
[7/21/2015 21:08:22] Kardas W. Fox: I've never cooked fresh fish, and I've never heard of swai, but the parents are out of town so it's time to get crazy right?
[7/21/2015 22:27:56] Kardas W. Fox: The swai was really good
I don't believe in the afterlife, or that there's such a thing as "resting in peace". I don't believe that death is "a better place". I feel sick inside to know that even as bad as his life was, he decided to end his life rather than potentially inconvenience me.
kardas killed himself on Jul 22. I only just found out now. I've known him for seven years, and we talked nearly every day.Many times in the past, he'd thought about it, and attempted it, but each time he did so, he sent a note to me beforehand, and I always talked him out of it. The last time this happened a year or so ago, I recalled getting upset with him and he told me that if he ever attempted again, he wouldn't send me a note because he didn't want to upset me.
So I received absolutely no warning that this was going to happen. We had just talked the night of the 21st. And though I thought that his silence in the past two weeks was odd, he is still on Skype and I figured he must just be occupied. But I now assume his phone is still logged in somehow.
I got an email today from someone asking if I knew what was up, and that they'd "heard the worst", so I immediately googled his name and location, and found an obituary which I know for a fact is him.
http://www.centralkynews.com/jessam.....25992d47f.html
He lived at home with his abusive parents, and I told him that if he ever needed to get out of there, to just let me know and I'd help him. He was one of my best friends and I would have moved the fucking stars to help him if he needed it, if he'd just told me.
Here is the very last thing he ever said to me:
[7/21/2015 21:07:42] Kardas W. Fox: I'm about to cook swai fillets for dinner
[7/21/2015 21:08:22] Kardas W. Fox: I've never cooked fresh fish, and I've never heard of swai, but the parents are out of town so it's time to get crazy right?
[7/21/2015 22:27:56] Kardas W. Fox: The swai was really good
I don't believe in the afterlife, or that there's such a thing as "resting in peace". I don't believe that death is "a better place". I feel sick inside to know that even as bad as his life was, he decided to end his life rather than potentially inconvenience me.
I hope he has found peace.
To be honest... this kinda happened with me... but kinda in reverse...
I'm the suicidal guy and a friend usually was the reason never for me to go and kill myself...
That kinda ended a long time ago... we're no longer close as he found me and my depressing life an annoyance and my lack of 'religion' offensive...
Put bluntly, I have no one if I ever do become suicidal again... but I have never faced abuse or been depressed since all that time ago...
I wish I could have known your friend to let him know life is worth living, especially when one cares about others, and that friendship is all one needs, a true friendship can even exist one sided...
I feel a bit sick so I'm not sure what else to type...
sorry for your loss.
rest in pease.
:'(
......
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for my loss too. I didn't know him nearly as well as you but I will miss him. I can't believe this happened.
...
*hug*
you have my condolences
Once again my condolences. I wish everyone involved the best, and hope that you can all get through this together.
But please don't feel as if you failed him as a friend, or whatever. You brought a light to his life in those seven years. It's fucking awful how he felt the rest of his life wasn't worth living-- but from what you've told me, I can't blame him for thinking like that. Your brain's pushed to its limit when you're constantly suffering.
He seemed like a funny guy despite it all.
If you want to talk on Skype sometime, let me know. Even if I don't have an answer, I'm always willing to listen.
Find some consolation in how you managed to help him in the past.
Please don't blame yourself for any of this, whatever you do. Depression hits like a battering ram sometimes, and there are so many moments of 'what if I did x or y', that it's possible to practically drown in guilt. Just judging by what you said, it sounds like you were a wonderful friend to him, and you can't be responsible for the pain and sadness someone else feels becoming overwhelming.
I know a few friends of mine from years back who I've helped with their depression, and it's struck me many times just how guilty I would feel if they ever did go through with it. What I could have done to prevent it, what I could have said or the signs I could have caught. But... hindsight is always 20/20. Sometimes, you can't take blame for something you think you could have prevented. Just don't let it eat you up inside.
Thanks for responding. It feels so lonely to grieve somebody that nobody else I interact with even knew existed. I dont know if that's selfish.