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Gonna be tough to say goodbye.
10 years ago
This might come outta left field for most of, but I think its best to let ya'll know whats happening, and why did things come to this.
In the next few days I'll be gone and here's why:
I moved across the country 6 years ago to study, using money i had saved up over a decade while working as a waiter in my late grandpa's restaurant. I came down south to the mecca of development of my country to study and look for job opportunities. I finished my studies, but the market is very competitive and in these time of depression the opportunities were nowhere to be found by me.
I came here with a friend and we split the rent. Two years ago that friend went back home, after nabbing a job opportunity that we both were running for. That cost me my only contact here in this city, my teacher. AND it left me to deal with double the expenses. I decided, possibly foolishly, to stay and try my best to live off of commissions. It was rough to remain here but I was managing it. Hoping for one day get good enough to land a job somewhere, or launch my own projects, and slowly carve my way to better, more stable living.
Well, life is a bitch and the owner of the place I'm renting passed away earlier this year. His family now is selling the place to split the spoils. I had bouts of panic and despair, I'm long past that. Managing to stay here was rough, but doable. Renting a new place? I don't have the funds to front a trust deposit nor a paycheck to serve as "proof that I'm a bona fide tenant" Letter of recommendations aren't particularly weighty in this big metropolis.
These past few months I've looked over 60 places all around the capital, and the ones that were affordable did not want to risk having me as a tenant. I managed so far to protelate abusing a clause in the contract (I had "reserve of purchase preference", and they offered me the place for an exorbitant amount that I could only laugh at. However, they activated my trap card when they finally sold it to someone else for a lower price, which was still exorbitant, opening venues for action. However, it was just literally buying time cuz I sure as fuck could never afford to buy the place).
So, what's next?
I'll be going back where I came from, a backwater rural/ dense forested area of the country, moving back with my mom. There I believe I won't have the privacy and conditions to properly browse and work on things that I usually do. It would be difficult to explain this sorta thing to normal people, let alone explain it to religious fanatics. -_-
Finding a proper job in the field here proved to be near impossible, back where I came from where there was no market for it and many of the people I know I've been hearing its shrinking opportunity wise will probably prove even more futile. So this is in all aspects a huge step back. That and being unable to work on with commissions over there means bleak times ahead.
So it's come this. I'm scared, afraid, defeated. Somehow I'm not angry anymore. Just sad. Sad that I have failed to achieve anything I truly set out to do, that I never really got to draw comics or work with art outside of commissions. Never truly making any of my projects come to be. I met many people in these past few years, and upset a whole lot of em. Being sorry would only invalidate everything I did, but I can tell you that I never meant to be a shitty person, no matter how bad I was.
I'm truly grateful for everybody who was kind enough to put up with me and even went beyond what I could ever ask of em. Those who have supported me so, those who have it in their hearts to forgive me even where I cannot.
Is this the end?
I don't know. I wish I could say its not. I don't know whats going to happen next and I don't truly have any plans left. I truly wish I could say I'll come back someday. Maybe a few weeks from now? Maybe a few months? Years? But to be honest, the possibility of never has been haunting me in the past few days.
I'm not leaving because I want, and I'm gonna miss being around.
In the next few days I'll be gone and here's why:
I moved across the country 6 years ago to study, using money i had saved up over a decade while working as a waiter in my late grandpa's restaurant. I came down south to the mecca of development of my country to study and look for job opportunities. I finished my studies, but the market is very competitive and in these time of depression the opportunities were nowhere to be found by me.
I came here with a friend and we split the rent. Two years ago that friend went back home, after nabbing a job opportunity that we both were running for. That cost me my only contact here in this city, my teacher. AND it left me to deal with double the expenses. I decided, possibly foolishly, to stay and try my best to live off of commissions. It was rough to remain here but I was managing it. Hoping for one day get good enough to land a job somewhere, or launch my own projects, and slowly carve my way to better, more stable living.
Well, life is a bitch and the owner of the place I'm renting passed away earlier this year. His family now is selling the place to split the spoils. I had bouts of panic and despair, I'm long past that. Managing to stay here was rough, but doable. Renting a new place? I don't have the funds to front a trust deposit nor a paycheck to serve as "proof that I'm a bona fide tenant" Letter of recommendations aren't particularly weighty in this big metropolis.
These past few months I've looked over 60 places all around the capital, and the ones that were affordable did not want to risk having me as a tenant. I managed so far to protelate abusing a clause in the contract (I had "reserve of purchase preference", and they offered me the place for an exorbitant amount that I could only laugh at. However, they activated my trap card when they finally sold it to someone else for a lower price, which was still exorbitant, opening venues for action. However, it was just literally buying time cuz I sure as fuck could never afford to buy the place).
So, what's next?
I'll be going back where I came from, a backwater rural/ dense forested area of the country, moving back with my mom. There I believe I won't have the privacy and conditions to properly browse and work on things that I usually do. It would be difficult to explain this sorta thing to normal people, let alone explain it to religious fanatics. -_-
Finding a proper job in the field here proved to be near impossible, back where I came from where there was no market for it and many of the people I know I've been hearing its shrinking opportunity wise will probably prove even more futile. So this is in all aspects a huge step back. That and being unable to work on with commissions over there means bleak times ahead.
So it's come this. I'm scared, afraid, defeated. Somehow I'm not angry anymore. Just sad. Sad that I have failed to achieve anything I truly set out to do, that I never really got to draw comics or work with art outside of commissions. Never truly making any of my projects come to be. I met many people in these past few years, and upset a whole lot of em. Being sorry would only invalidate everything I did, but I can tell you that I never meant to be a shitty person, no matter how bad I was.
I'm truly grateful for everybody who was kind enough to put up with me and even went beyond what I could ever ask of em. Those who have supported me so, those who have it in their hearts to forgive me even where I cannot.
Is this the end?
I don't know. I wish I could say its not. I don't know whats going to happen next and I don't truly have any plans left. I truly wish I could say I'll come back someday. Maybe a few weeks from now? Maybe a few months? Years? But to be honest, the possibility of never has been haunting me in the past few days.
I'm not leaving because I want, and I'm gonna miss being around.
Stay safe. *hugs*
I hope you may be able to find a way to return. Either way, do not stop in following your passions and dreams. You might need to sidetrack a little, but a good thing to do is to strive for it. Because if you don't do it, who will?
Be well and best of luck *hug*
Take care
Sad to see you go, wish I'd found the strength to come back on streams and talk again, was just too scared you were still mad.
Wish you the best, you're a good muffin.
Thank you.
But this isn't the end. Never give up, dude.
In the interim, I wish you the best of luck with everything. Things might not have panned out for you as of yet, but I'm hoping that they will soon enough!
Look after yourself there and I will see you around. =)
Even if we were to never have a chance to talk again I will still consider you to be my friend Vahn. Naturally I hope that it won't be forever and that you can return. In the meanwhile try to do what you can and maybe find a different sorta path that will let you live well and perhaps hasten your return.
Thank you for your streams.
There's always the possibility you can get out of this situation, and there's the possibility this can result in a net positive for you, so I hope that whatever happens you can get into a state of happiness offline even if you can't get back on here.
If behemoths are anything, they're durable. So I know you can make it through this as just a stepping stone!
Best of wishes to ya man! Will be rooting for ya!
All I'll say is keep at it as much as you can, but don't take unnecessary risks.
Try to find a way out, somewhere else you can go (reasonably) - a job, a place you could afford from doing just commissions... Anything.
Always look for opportunities. Make a plan and a backup plan. And reach out to friends for advice!
Don't give up.
Hopefully things will improve soon. Don't give up and please stay safe
We'll all be here waiting when you return So Good luck out there!
I definitely hope things get better for you and that you can come back to us, sooner than later. Don't give up hope, mate. Don't let your environment get you down.