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Dec 01: Monthly Update - A Bit of Rambling
10 years ago
|██████████|SANITY
|██████████|ENERGY
Status: The attack of the blahs
█ Still alive, though in one of those mood slumps for the past month. Doing my best to fight that off in that ever constant battle. I am sorta seeing a doctor about it due to some slight prodding, but I have to get some blood work done to make sure that my depression isn't being caused by something physical like the onset of diabetes. That gets done early this month in theory, and probably some followup later on whenever. The conversation I had with the doctor was somewhat stressful, but really I find talking to people in general a stressful event and I avoid it as a rule. There was a bit of semi-philosophical talk, but it's stuff I've done before with myself and other people. General stuff like "things could be better" but I live with the sentiment of "it could be a lot worse" because I've lived in the a lot worse times. Essentially being a person who has a hard time being happy and is generally lethargic and lacking in energy is simply way, way, waaaaaaay better than being a person who thought about suicide on a daily basis; and I can find contentment in that. Would I like to be happy? I guess the answer is 'yes' but for me I kinda view being 'happy' as somewhat similar to asking a blind person if they would like to 'see'. How do you answer yes to something to which you have no idea what it is. Sure it seems like it's better than what you currently have, but the steps to get there are unknown and you've already grown to accept and live with your current condition. In a way I suppose it might be just me talking myself out of happiness, and as sad as it might sound I think I'm okay with that. I'm okay with it because I'm not in the state of mind where I need to be 'saved' from myself, and I think a long time ago I would have been ecstatic and grateful for any help I got; but that wasn't the hand I was dealt in life, rather every time I tried to reach out I would be met with apathy or ridicule instead. People killed themselves all the time over such things, but it took online exploitation of teenage girls to finally get people to pay attention to the thing that people just accepted as a part of growing up: "bullying". Course even with all the attention shown, I'm still I suppose a bitter cynic. The "It gets better" slogan used to try and 'cheer-up' people who are victims of it I feel is meaningless drivel, because all it sells is hope; and hope is worthless. For some people it doesn't get better, and for some people they can't wait for it get better; they need help now. Even for some who do get that help immediately, the damage is already there; and sometimes it's already too deep and too late. We have bandages and splints for a broken body, we have nothing for a broken spirit. At any rate this is all cathartic for me, I rediscover happiness one way or another then I suppose that'll be good. It's not like I'm unable to laugh, smile, have a good time; it's just that those feelings fade into the ether very quickly, and ultimately forgotten. Ultimately what sticks to me is the barbs, the sadness, the pain, the hurt; and there was a lot of it. Though my time here has had some... permanence in regards to holding on to something more happy, because it ends up on a piece of art; so that even if I at times forget the joy, it's a bit easier for me to rediscover it because what I've created doesn't vanish as easily.
█ For the curious my ant farm is hibernating. Though it's advised I place them in a shed outside or something (supposedly they do produce some anti-freeze to survive the sub zero temperatures) I don't really have anything I could do in that regards, so I simply did a half measure of placing them between the panes of my double paned window which has a tendency of freezing over when it gets cold. I don't really expect them to do anything for a few months. Incidentally I'd take pictures of them but I don't have a camera, weird I know; but I think I've mentioned before I have no use for a smart phone.
█ I want to try to get back into art this month one way or another. Hopefully I can get myself to do so.
Thanks for reading, being awesome and kind people. Despite my time here, I'm still taken back that so many people choose to follow what I do.
|██████████|ENERGY
Status: The attack of the blahs
█ Still alive, though in one of those mood slumps for the past month. Doing my best to fight that off in that ever constant battle. I am sorta seeing a doctor about it due to some slight prodding, but I have to get some blood work done to make sure that my depression isn't being caused by something physical like the onset of diabetes. That gets done early this month in theory, and probably some followup later on whenever. The conversation I had with the doctor was somewhat stressful, but really I find talking to people in general a stressful event and I avoid it as a rule. There was a bit of semi-philosophical talk, but it's stuff I've done before with myself and other people. General stuff like "things could be better" but I live with the sentiment of "it could be a lot worse" because I've lived in the a lot worse times. Essentially being a person who has a hard time being happy and is generally lethargic and lacking in energy is simply way, way, waaaaaaay better than being a person who thought about suicide on a daily basis; and I can find contentment in that. Would I like to be happy? I guess the answer is 'yes' but for me I kinda view being 'happy' as somewhat similar to asking a blind person if they would like to 'see'. How do you answer yes to something to which you have no idea what it is. Sure it seems like it's better than what you currently have, but the steps to get there are unknown and you've already grown to accept and live with your current condition. In a way I suppose it might be just me talking myself out of happiness, and as sad as it might sound I think I'm okay with that. I'm okay with it because I'm not in the state of mind where I need to be 'saved' from myself, and I think a long time ago I would have been ecstatic and grateful for any help I got; but that wasn't the hand I was dealt in life, rather every time I tried to reach out I would be met with apathy or ridicule instead. People killed themselves all the time over such things, but it took online exploitation of teenage girls to finally get people to pay attention to the thing that people just accepted as a part of growing up: "bullying". Course even with all the attention shown, I'm still I suppose a bitter cynic. The "It gets better" slogan used to try and 'cheer-up' people who are victims of it I feel is meaningless drivel, because all it sells is hope; and hope is worthless. For some people it doesn't get better, and for some people they can't wait for it get better; they need help now. Even for some who do get that help immediately, the damage is already there; and sometimes it's already too deep and too late. We have bandages and splints for a broken body, we have nothing for a broken spirit. At any rate this is all cathartic for me, I rediscover happiness one way or another then I suppose that'll be good. It's not like I'm unable to laugh, smile, have a good time; it's just that those feelings fade into the ether very quickly, and ultimately forgotten. Ultimately what sticks to me is the barbs, the sadness, the pain, the hurt; and there was a lot of it. Though my time here has had some... permanence in regards to holding on to something more happy, because it ends up on a piece of art; so that even if I at times forget the joy, it's a bit easier for me to rediscover it because what I've created doesn't vanish as easily.
█ For the curious my ant farm is hibernating. Though it's advised I place them in a shed outside or something (supposedly they do produce some anti-freeze to survive the sub zero temperatures) I don't really have anything I could do in that regards, so I simply did a half measure of placing them between the panes of my double paned window which has a tendency of freezing over when it gets cold. I don't really expect them to do anything for a few months. Incidentally I'd take pictures of them but I don't have a camera, weird I know; but I think I've mentioned before I have no use for a smart phone.
█ I want to try to get back into art this month one way or another. Hopefully I can get myself to do so.
Thanks for reading, being awesome and kind people. Despite my time here, I'm still taken back that so many people choose to follow what I do.
Being happy is getting everything you want, or almost everything you want. I argued with this almost immediately, but then as a counter point, it was mentioned that helping others be happy or doing a selfless act is just another act of selfishness in the goal of happiness. IE getting everything you want can also mean helping people. That is what contentment feels similar to happiness, it is the idea that you are comfortable because you got almost everything you want at that moment in time.
Anyway, I don't live by that or anything, just something cool I heard once and was reminded of it when I read your post.
It's another to accept it for what it is and continue on, knowing that your life still has meaning, rather than giving in to despair.
Indeed, I would say that it takes more strength to face the darkness without clinging to the promise of light. Far more.
Whatever else may be... at least you know you have that.
either way it would be nice seeing more art from you.
PD:i whish you a merry chrismas and happy new year :D , never give up endium, never...
on an unrelated note, good luck getting back into the flow, endium. maybe you could get tiemeth?
I've been on antidepressants before too and they helped, for what it's worth. Not the solution for everyone and I'm reluctant to take them myself, but it does help. I still like to believe that time heals all wounds though given direction; it's just a matter of if people make it through to see the healing before more scars are made.
Wish I could say or do more; take care of yourself.