Because of a couple of pictures/ideas/notions I've had recently (this one: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/19496529 and another I've not managed to sketch for a character of mine that's turned 30 actual years old this year) I've been going back through some older than old pre-Internet work. After all of the years I've put into this fur art thing, I have a lot of crap to go through. But it's not just about going through reams of sketches. There are a lot of memories involved too - mostly of people I have very little to absolutely no contact with these days, of unrealized dreams, of failed aspirations.

It's not been a fun filled romp down memory lane but I think it has helped me to realize just how I feel and approach (or don't as the case has been at times and is again recently) my art. In the pre-Internet days, I wasn't aware too many people were into what's become known as 'furry' these days. Almost everyone I did know of was drawing characters ala Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse and their respective friends and rivals and calling them "funny animals" and their behavior was fairly cartoony as well. I craved something a bit more serious though, a bit more like real life where the characters had to wear pants as well as shirts to cover anatomical features that were absent in "funny animals", which would inevitably lead to furry porn. In those days, I knew of no other sources so I had to make my own and pretty much keep it to myself since I knew no one else who was even remotely into this sort of thing.

After a few years, I became aware of a few publications in the much stronger independent comics market of the late 80's and early 90's. However, in the days before e-mail, newsgroups (remember those?) and other forums, you had to write a snail mail letter. A letter that would be pretty much ignored by the publishers or creators who were busy doing their thing and unable or unwilling to answer the questions of some aspiring neophyte with more dreams than sense or knowledge.

When I finally discovered the internet and that others were into anthropomorphics that went beyond the "funny animal" level (like on Furnation for anyone who recalls that), I felt a whole big, wide world was open to me and that I was going to become a huge part of it. I'd have circles of artistic friends to bounce ideas off of, that would inspire me and I could inspire in return. I felt like I had small tastes of such things but it was like a Cold Stone sample spoon when I wanted the Gotta Have It size.

Time came and went as did most of the people I knew. I persevered in my perhaps ridiculous notions that I'd still make a sizeable contribution to the fandom. Like time and most of the people, technology and fandom tastes passed me by and I've never managed to catch up despite a few feeble, fruitless attempts to do so.

Somewhere along the line something snapped - just broke somewhere inside - and my dreams and aspriations slowly started to melt or fade away. There were other things to do with my time like spending a great deal of March watching the original run of The X-Files on blu-ray. I started reading novels again after a decade of not doing so because I needed the time to draw and post to try to build up some of that circle of friends I had dreamed of. Sometimes I'd rather just sit listening to music and doing nothing else in particular.

The lives of my characters now often play out in my head but don't make it to paper. Sometimes they fight for the right to do so, mostly among each other in the times I do feel like trying to draw and nothing comes out of it. When something does manage to bubble to the surface, it feels incomplete. I often end up adding touches with the computer. It's probably horribly old-fashioned of me but I used to get what pride I felt about my work out of holding a piece I'd just finished (before spotting all of the flaws) knowing it was done. I can't seem to do that any more especially with the comics. I need the computer to view the more finished version. Trust me, even a printout isn't the same as holding the completed original.

Unlike the old days, I don't even need draw anything to see new fur work. I simply have to pop on here to deal with the backlog of submissions here or on the couple of other sites where I have accounts and others are pumping out art like image-making robots (seriously, how do some of you do more than one or two pieces a day and up to a dozen?). Sure, they don't draw sharks like I would (ear fins and hair? what's up with that?) but they're drawing shark-like characters which means I don't have to to see some. And in most cases, they're doing a way better job of it than I ever could.

My apathy has grown to where I mostly don't even care about me personally in this but I do feel sorry for the characters I no longer draw. But I feel even more sorry for my partner susi who would very much like to share the creative experience since it's one of the few things we can do at a distance. Unfortunately he's stuck dealing with the bitter used up dregs of the artist I used to be at the best of times and the immobile lump of lack of creative anything I am for the rest. There is still a small part of me that would like to turn back time to the days of possibility and aspiration which is where this journal is actually coming from but considering how difficult this was to type and how much of a struggle my last picture was just to get to a crappy sketch that I flubbed at the end just to be done with it, I really doubt such a thing is possible.