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Took a break, what to do next?
9 years ago
Did anyone notice? Seems not.
I stopped being involved in the community for the past month. I stopped posting to twitter, responding to people and honestly ever checking it.
Same with FA and other social websites.
The reason being was for the past few months I've been hit with a crippling depression. No doubt a lot of this has been bought on by the big move
and change of life. But, there has been this underlying issue with the furry fandom for me which has been gradually getting worse over the past few years.
I've been trying to wrap my head around what the problem is. Why instead of feeling joy in the community I feel stress, bitterness and sadness.
I've been apart of the community since the 90's. I've always had a pleasure involving myself in it as well as contributing to it. It's always been a place
I could share my interests and find joy in performing.
However, I simply lack inspiration and feel like everything I have done over the past few years (especially with Duke) has been met with hostility.
I regret contributing and putting in effort, I simply should of just floated around in the background and enjoyed myself.
You see, I feel incredibly unwelcome these days. A lot of hate and school yard tactics is all I seem to get when I try to enjoy myself in furry.
Be it online or at conventions. I'm not talking about hatred coming from trolls, these are people with in the community itself.
I get that not everyone has to get along, or like one another. Personalities will always butt heads sometimes, but I personally will be respectful of those
I may not see eye to eye with. Especially if we have mutual friends or are in the same group.
This is the problem....
The subgroups of my interests are unwelcoming. Be it dancer furs, fat furs, inflation furs, rubber furs, party furs, music furs and so on. It seems that
a couple of influential people with in these subgroups has enough beef with me to push me out of them. Certainly expressing to others with in those groups
that I am not welcome and to avoid me.
I recently had an experience at FWA which was the nail in the coffin for me in terms of questioning why even bother with the fandom anymore.
This person, a well known fursuit performer and dancer fur. Whom I don't know, but admire and respect a great deal. I was excited to talk and meet with this person.
However, they actively shunned me, (in and out of suit). To the point where even when I said hello, they turned their back on me and didn't even respond.
What's worse. They where happy to talk to my husband and friends around me, but did the childish of thing of pretending I didn't even exist.
Perplexed by this, it nearly ruined my con to the point where I pretty much gave up suiting afterwards.
It had me questioning, why. What did I do?
I poked them via a private message after the convention and found out that circles they run in (dancer group) and they were told that I was to be avoided.
Disappointed to hear this and disappointed in that person not being able to make their own judgment about me, especially as we have plenty of mutual friends.
I guess what upset me the most from this is that this is 2016. It was clear back in 2012 into 2013 that I perhaps wasn't welcome or suited for that subgroup.
Due to passionate opinions that I was vocal about publicly, this perhaps ostracized me from that group. I didn't discuss these matters because I wanted to create drama.
Simply because I enjoyed dance and wanted others to enjoy it to. I was bringing to light views of my own and others of "problems" with format, image and so on.
Whilst this may of been taken as bashing something they've worked hard on. It wasn't he case, but trying to help something I enjoy and love just as much as they do.
But, that's old new, I digress.
I stopped doing dance competitions and stopped trying to be involved in that group. I gave up something I really enjoyed, Why? Because I didn't want to make those with in it and who didn't necessarily like my
personality to feel uncomfortable or forced to be around me. Basically I didn't want to ruin their, fun. Something they enjoy. I have enough other interests and
I respected those enough not to make things awkward for anyone.
So, for so many years later for folks with in that group to tell some stranger I don't know to avoid me.
Just hurts.
What else hurts are "friends" in the past month of silence I've had only one or two people notice. In fact, there are people I considered friends to actually show little
interest in me these days. Most people seem to just want to use me for which ever reason. Be is social gain, art, costumes, latex etc. It's made me incredibly wary
of new people and I find that i'm not longer interested in making new friends.
I was invited to a telegram group. XXXL Fursuits (or something like that). I love big fursuit bellies, so it was great to share this interest with others.
However, with in only a few hours. I was being kicked out of the group because one or two individuals expressed that my presence made them uncomfortable.
I guess what hurt is the person who looks after the group was someone I considered a friend. But, rather than talk with them and say. Hey listen, I know you don't like him.
But just put him on mute or ignore him. (grow a pair basically)
No, they kicked up enough of stink to make me feel unwelcome with in my own interest.
What's worse. None of my friends stood up for me. No one said hey, that's not really fair. They sat in silence. It showed true colors and level of friendship I have with these people.
Perhaps I expect friends to do what I would do for them in similar situations. Which might not be fair or realistic.
Now, I can count the number of people I call friends on my hands. There are very few people I trust in this world, it used to be countless.
Maybe it's finally hit where I've become burned to the point of no return.
I get it, i'm not perfect. I've pissed of people, burned bridges and made many mistakes over the past 15 years.
Perhaps, these influential people whom do have beef with me impact the community to the point where I can't enjoy myself. Where I can't recover from any of the mistakes i've made.
My character, presence and personality are so far damaged in the eyes of these people that I will never be welcome again in any of these groups or interests.
Maybe my reputation and stigma is to far ingrained in the minds of others.
I've tried to reach out to some of these people. It's met with silence.
What's worse. In my mind, I can only assume what I've done wrong. It's never been clear or perhaps i'm oblivious as to what I've actually done for these people to feel so much
disdain for me.
Some people i've spoken with say. Ah, don't worry about it. Forget them! Do your own thing. (hater gonna hate!)
Whilst I appreciate the support, it's simply not that easy.
I can't do my own thing. I can't enjoy any of my interests because the groups have made it clear I am not welcome. So, why do I bother?
I should simply enjoy my interests, privately with friends. There is little point in my eyes sharing them with the community anymore.
I've loved making music videos. Something I had always wanted to do. I know I can't sing that great, but I enjoy it. I've been blessed with friendships that have allowed us to create some
fantastic visual content.
I go to great efforts with these videos. To the point where I sacrifice my own enjoyment at an event to benefit the community.
At ESG a few years ago, I had fall out because not everyone could get a spot in the limo. I later found out this caused a lot of stress to a friend of mine (one of the organizers) and
was the reason why they themselves stopped talking with me.
They saw that I was selfish and didn't consider others or thought I was only looking after myself. This isn't the case, whilst when it comes to projects I have tunnel vision and may lack
the ability to see the impact it may have on others. I'm simply focused (and very stressed) at the task at hand. I try to be thankful to everyone involved, do it when it most convenient to others and so on.
So, for this to have impacted friends and those around me in a negative way. It's not what I set out to do.
I try to create things that everyone is welcome to participate in. We've had 100's show up to the videos, we do our best to give everyone air time.
Sure, I could pick a select few friends, film something in private. But, that's not the goal. The goal is to involve everyone! Dance is for everyone, fursuiting is for everyone.
It shows what fun can be had at these events. Advertising basically for those to come along and enjoy the same things they see on the screen.
I've had a ton people tell me they've gone to Anthrocon or MWFF because of my videos. It's very humbling.
This all comes down to a few people creating enough of an impact on my time in the community.
I've always been an outspoken person. If someone is doing me wrong or doing someone else wrong, I will speak up about it. I've had people take latex products I've designed and created with my company.
To be copied by other cheap Chinese companies. When I approach these people (in private I might add) for doing so. I'm the bad guy and then my reputation and names are dragged through the mud.
I'v worked hard on these designs. I created Squeak Latex so everyone with the same interest could have something I could only dream about when I first came into the fandom. Sure it's a business,
but I take a very low end profit to keep prices reasonable so everyone can enjoy. I have hate from the same people that share this interest. Why?! I don't understand.
People in all the subgroups I mentioned really talk trash about me. Never to my face, never wanting to discuss why.
I may of actually upset these people for legitimate reasons, I just don't know. I can't right a wrong if I don't know what it is.
I've been called arrogant and egotistical. I understand this may simply come from being known in the community.
Complete strangers hating me for no reason. I've had people get mad at me because someone they thought was me was mean to them. (I have people impersonate me on steam, facebook and other websites)
I didn't set out to be popular or make it any sort of goal. I just like creating stuff! I have a blast doing videos, fursuiting, performing and so on. Attention is great, don't get me wrong.
But, i'm not the guy jumping to the front of every photo, i'm not the one trying to steal the spotlight all the time. Everyone deserves attention! Know when to take a step back.
Honestly, there is no point having an ego in this fandom as a performer. Lets face it. I'm a 30 year old man who wears an animal costume. Why oh why would I ever have an ego over that?
Just enjoy it for what it is. If people like what I do, wonderful! means i'm doing a good job and it's rewarding.
I have had hundreds of notes and messages. I can't go more than a few steps at a convention with someone saying i'm the reason they joined the fandom, or i'm an inspiration.
I have no idea what to say to folks other than thank you. It's incredibly humbling! I just put on a costume and flop about, if my energy and joy I feel when i'm suiting transfers onto others. That's just incredible.
I've accepted that convention organizers for what ever reasons don't want me. I've offered hosting, shows, and simply wanting to be involved. I don't expect anything, I just like being involved.
I'm confident in what I do. It's what I do for a living I've been in entertainment since I was a child.
So, clearly something is wrong with me (maybe I am just an asshole?). I see other fellow performer friends being praised by conventions, being wanted for this event or that event.
I sing, I dance, I talk/host. I have known characters, i'm a costume builder, i'm an artist, i'm a pro mascot. I've worked for television, stage and have worked for some pretty big names. I have tens of thousands subscribers on youtube
and videos have over 1.6 million views.
Yet nothing, no one wants me?
It shouldn't bother me, it really shouldn't. I feel guilty that it does. Because, like I said. I don't set out to do this for reward or personal gain. Simply for enjoyment of creating something magical.
Just questioning and lamenting reasons why in my head.
I have other well known performer friends. They are loved by all, peers and groups alike. They've been just as outspoken as me at times, creating similar content.
But, maybe I just pissed off the wrong couple of people and it snowballed to friends, and then friends of friends?
All this has killed my confidence. I've always been confident in myself and my ability.
Over the past few years, this has been slowly dying and the need/want to perform, be involved or even get in costume is all but dead these days.
So here I am, 31 years old, 35lbs over weight which has been put on over the last couple of years and depressed.
All over silly animal people.
I'm writing this journal to give an insight to how i'm feeling and reason why i've stopped posting. I'm not looking for hugs or sympathy.
Problem is I don't know what i'm looking for or what I need.
Do I try to not let them see that they get to me?
I'm such a well known character in the community, but yet so rejected and alone with my interests and groups I want to be apart of.
Do I just make my own counter groups? (with blackjack and hookers! ;)) I don't want to create high school tactics or going against the "cool kids".
I dunno. These people probably won't even read this journal, realize they've had the impact they've had or even care.
Bottom line is, i'm not sure what I can do to love my interests again. I don't have the confidence to be me anymore.
Maybe I should have a more private experience and not create for the community anymore or try to be involved. I'm sure I can enjoy suiting, singing, dancing etc behind clothes door and amoung friends.
Maybe I've put to much pressure on myself to do so and that the negative that has happened
because of my content, actions or opinions wouldn't of mattered if I didn't matter.
Hopefully i'll get my spark back. I miss the joy that furry bought me.
It is just a silly hobby after all, it's supposed to be fun!
Whole idea was to put on a costume to leave the pressures of everyday life. Not create more.
I stopped being involved in the community for the past month. I stopped posting to twitter, responding to people and honestly ever checking it.
Same with FA and other social websites.
The reason being was for the past few months I've been hit with a crippling depression. No doubt a lot of this has been bought on by the big move
and change of life. But, there has been this underlying issue with the furry fandom for me which has been gradually getting worse over the past few years.
I've been trying to wrap my head around what the problem is. Why instead of feeling joy in the community I feel stress, bitterness and sadness.
I've been apart of the community since the 90's. I've always had a pleasure involving myself in it as well as contributing to it. It's always been a place
I could share my interests and find joy in performing.
However, I simply lack inspiration and feel like everything I have done over the past few years (especially with Duke) has been met with hostility.
I regret contributing and putting in effort, I simply should of just floated around in the background and enjoyed myself.
You see, I feel incredibly unwelcome these days. A lot of hate and school yard tactics is all I seem to get when I try to enjoy myself in furry.
Be it online or at conventions. I'm not talking about hatred coming from trolls, these are people with in the community itself.
I get that not everyone has to get along, or like one another. Personalities will always butt heads sometimes, but I personally will be respectful of those
I may not see eye to eye with. Especially if we have mutual friends or are in the same group.
This is the problem....
The subgroups of my interests are unwelcoming. Be it dancer furs, fat furs, inflation furs, rubber furs, party furs, music furs and so on. It seems that
a couple of influential people with in these subgroups has enough beef with me to push me out of them. Certainly expressing to others with in those groups
that I am not welcome and to avoid me.
I recently had an experience at FWA which was the nail in the coffin for me in terms of questioning why even bother with the fandom anymore.
This person, a well known fursuit performer and dancer fur. Whom I don't know, but admire and respect a great deal. I was excited to talk and meet with this person.
However, they actively shunned me, (in and out of suit). To the point where even when I said hello, they turned their back on me and didn't even respond.
What's worse. They where happy to talk to my husband and friends around me, but did the childish of thing of pretending I didn't even exist.
Perplexed by this, it nearly ruined my con to the point where I pretty much gave up suiting afterwards.
It had me questioning, why. What did I do?
I poked them via a private message after the convention and found out that circles they run in (dancer group) and they were told that I was to be avoided.
Disappointed to hear this and disappointed in that person not being able to make their own judgment about me, especially as we have plenty of mutual friends.
I guess what upset me the most from this is that this is 2016. It was clear back in 2012 into 2013 that I perhaps wasn't welcome or suited for that subgroup.
Due to passionate opinions that I was vocal about publicly, this perhaps ostracized me from that group. I didn't discuss these matters because I wanted to create drama.
Simply because I enjoyed dance and wanted others to enjoy it to. I was bringing to light views of my own and others of "problems" with format, image and so on.
Whilst this may of been taken as bashing something they've worked hard on. It wasn't he case, but trying to help something I enjoy and love just as much as they do.
But, that's old new, I digress.
I stopped doing dance competitions and stopped trying to be involved in that group. I gave up something I really enjoyed, Why? Because I didn't want to make those with in it and who didn't necessarily like my
personality to feel uncomfortable or forced to be around me. Basically I didn't want to ruin their, fun. Something they enjoy. I have enough other interests and
I respected those enough not to make things awkward for anyone.
So, for so many years later for folks with in that group to tell some stranger I don't know to avoid me.
Just hurts.
What else hurts are "friends" in the past month of silence I've had only one or two people notice. In fact, there are people I considered friends to actually show little
interest in me these days. Most people seem to just want to use me for which ever reason. Be is social gain, art, costumes, latex etc. It's made me incredibly wary
of new people and I find that i'm not longer interested in making new friends.
I was invited to a telegram group. XXXL Fursuits (or something like that). I love big fursuit bellies, so it was great to share this interest with others.
However, with in only a few hours. I was being kicked out of the group because one or two individuals expressed that my presence made them uncomfortable.
I guess what hurt is the person who looks after the group was someone I considered a friend. But, rather than talk with them and say. Hey listen, I know you don't like him.
But just put him on mute or ignore him. (grow a pair basically)
No, they kicked up enough of stink to make me feel unwelcome with in my own interest.
What's worse. None of my friends stood up for me. No one said hey, that's not really fair. They sat in silence. It showed true colors and level of friendship I have with these people.
Perhaps I expect friends to do what I would do for them in similar situations. Which might not be fair or realistic.
Now, I can count the number of people I call friends on my hands. There are very few people I trust in this world, it used to be countless.
Maybe it's finally hit where I've become burned to the point of no return.
I get it, i'm not perfect. I've pissed of people, burned bridges and made many mistakes over the past 15 years.
Perhaps, these influential people whom do have beef with me impact the community to the point where I can't enjoy myself. Where I can't recover from any of the mistakes i've made.
My character, presence and personality are so far damaged in the eyes of these people that I will never be welcome again in any of these groups or interests.
Maybe my reputation and stigma is to far ingrained in the minds of others.
I've tried to reach out to some of these people. It's met with silence.
What's worse. In my mind, I can only assume what I've done wrong. It's never been clear or perhaps i'm oblivious as to what I've actually done for these people to feel so much
disdain for me.
Some people i've spoken with say. Ah, don't worry about it. Forget them! Do your own thing. (hater gonna hate!)
Whilst I appreciate the support, it's simply not that easy.
I can't do my own thing. I can't enjoy any of my interests because the groups have made it clear I am not welcome. So, why do I bother?
I should simply enjoy my interests, privately with friends. There is little point in my eyes sharing them with the community anymore.
I've loved making music videos. Something I had always wanted to do. I know I can't sing that great, but I enjoy it. I've been blessed with friendships that have allowed us to create some
fantastic visual content.
I go to great efforts with these videos. To the point where I sacrifice my own enjoyment at an event to benefit the community.
At ESG a few years ago, I had fall out because not everyone could get a spot in the limo. I later found out this caused a lot of stress to a friend of mine (one of the organizers) and
was the reason why they themselves stopped talking with me.
They saw that I was selfish and didn't consider others or thought I was only looking after myself. This isn't the case, whilst when it comes to projects I have tunnel vision and may lack
the ability to see the impact it may have on others. I'm simply focused (and very stressed) at the task at hand. I try to be thankful to everyone involved, do it when it most convenient to others and so on.
So, for this to have impacted friends and those around me in a negative way. It's not what I set out to do.
I try to create things that everyone is welcome to participate in. We've had 100's show up to the videos, we do our best to give everyone air time.
Sure, I could pick a select few friends, film something in private. But, that's not the goal. The goal is to involve everyone! Dance is for everyone, fursuiting is for everyone.
It shows what fun can be had at these events. Advertising basically for those to come along and enjoy the same things they see on the screen.
I've had a ton people tell me they've gone to Anthrocon or MWFF because of my videos. It's very humbling.
This all comes down to a few people creating enough of an impact on my time in the community.
I've always been an outspoken person. If someone is doing me wrong or doing someone else wrong, I will speak up about it. I've had people take latex products I've designed and created with my company.
To be copied by other cheap Chinese companies. When I approach these people (in private I might add) for doing so. I'm the bad guy and then my reputation and names are dragged through the mud.
I'v worked hard on these designs. I created Squeak Latex so everyone with the same interest could have something I could only dream about when I first came into the fandom. Sure it's a business,
but I take a very low end profit to keep prices reasonable so everyone can enjoy. I have hate from the same people that share this interest. Why?! I don't understand.
People in all the subgroups I mentioned really talk trash about me. Never to my face, never wanting to discuss why.
I may of actually upset these people for legitimate reasons, I just don't know. I can't right a wrong if I don't know what it is.
I've been called arrogant and egotistical. I understand this may simply come from being known in the community.
Complete strangers hating me for no reason. I've had people get mad at me because someone they thought was me was mean to them. (I have people impersonate me on steam, facebook and other websites)
I didn't set out to be popular or make it any sort of goal. I just like creating stuff! I have a blast doing videos, fursuiting, performing and so on. Attention is great, don't get me wrong.
But, i'm not the guy jumping to the front of every photo, i'm not the one trying to steal the spotlight all the time. Everyone deserves attention! Know when to take a step back.
Honestly, there is no point having an ego in this fandom as a performer. Lets face it. I'm a 30 year old man who wears an animal costume. Why oh why would I ever have an ego over that?
Just enjoy it for what it is. If people like what I do, wonderful! means i'm doing a good job and it's rewarding.
I have had hundreds of notes and messages. I can't go more than a few steps at a convention with someone saying i'm the reason they joined the fandom, or i'm an inspiration.
I have no idea what to say to folks other than thank you. It's incredibly humbling! I just put on a costume and flop about, if my energy and joy I feel when i'm suiting transfers onto others. That's just incredible.
I've accepted that convention organizers for what ever reasons don't want me. I've offered hosting, shows, and simply wanting to be involved. I don't expect anything, I just like being involved.
I'm confident in what I do. It's what I do for a living I've been in entertainment since I was a child.
So, clearly something is wrong with me (maybe I am just an asshole?). I see other fellow performer friends being praised by conventions, being wanted for this event or that event.
I sing, I dance, I talk/host. I have known characters, i'm a costume builder, i'm an artist, i'm a pro mascot. I've worked for television, stage and have worked for some pretty big names. I have tens of thousands subscribers on youtube
and videos have over 1.6 million views.
Yet nothing, no one wants me?
It shouldn't bother me, it really shouldn't. I feel guilty that it does. Because, like I said. I don't set out to do this for reward or personal gain. Simply for enjoyment of creating something magical.
Just questioning and lamenting reasons why in my head.
I have other well known performer friends. They are loved by all, peers and groups alike. They've been just as outspoken as me at times, creating similar content.
But, maybe I just pissed off the wrong couple of people and it snowballed to friends, and then friends of friends?
All this has killed my confidence. I've always been confident in myself and my ability.
Over the past few years, this has been slowly dying and the need/want to perform, be involved or even get in costume is all but dead these days.
So here I am, 31 years old, 35lbs over weight which has been put on over the last couple of years and depressed.
All over silly animal people.
I'm writing this journal to give an insight to how i'm feeling and reason why i've stopped posting. I'm not looking for hugs or sympathy.
Problem is I don't know what i'm looking for or what I need.
Do I try to not let them see that they get to me?
I'm such a well known character in the community, but yet so rejected and alone with my interests and groups I want to be apart of.
Do I just make my own counter groups? (with blackjack and hookers! ;)) I don't want to create high school tactics or going against the "cool kids".
I dunno. These people probably won't even read this journal, realize they've had the impact they've had or even care.
Bottom line is, i'm not sure what I can do to love my interests again. I don't have the confidence to be me anymore.
Maybe I should have a more private experience and not create for the community anymore or try to be involved. I'm sure I can enjoy suiting, singing, dancing etc behind clothes door and amoung friends.
Maybe I've put to much pressure on myself to do so and that the negative that has happened
because of my content, actions or opinions wouldn't of mattered if I didn't matter.
Hopefully i'll get my spark back. I miss the joy that furry bought me.
It is just a silly hobby after all, it's supposed to be fun!
Whole idea was to put on a costume to leave the pressures of everyday life. Not create more.
Hope things get better for ya, if you ever need a pup to talk to, throw me a bone.
discontented always will be...
but of course there's a dark side in everything. I'm sorry that it has hit you hard at this point.
Just remember to let your true friends guide you to the greener side of the grass.
For what it's worth, a lot of people in my local fur group are big fans of yours, hope you won't give up on the fandom, it would be a big loss to us all. -hugs-
I know you can find that spark again!
I really wish that things get better for you; I had noticed that you went silent, but I had not way to contact you. The only real way was through Twitter, and that's usually a crapshoot in most cases as timelines usually fly by at the speed of sound.
I do hope that you find that spark once more, you're a wonderful performer in both Duke and Oz. Also an awesome dancer, even if I have no real experience myself in it.
My hope for you is that these people get their heads out of their asses and stop being such stuck up pricks. We all have a right to enjoy what we like. No one should have to be barred from that just because of a few people's asinine opinions.
You do you, Duke. I believe in you.
My personal view of you is very positive though. You seem to have a great personality and it seemed you had a great passion to create. I certainly hope you get that back too because I personally really enjoyed the stuff you created.
I wish you the best man.
Regardless of what people may say, your a talented individual, and duke is one of those suits that i think is sort of iconic amung the furry history thus far.
But in watching footage from recent con dance compititions, im seeing less of the 'stars' from the past few years. like the iconic dance furs are'nt there anymore? its all well and good that theres new people taking the stage, but many of the dancers are gone, Vega, Mangusu does'nt do much now, phor, recca. JD seems to be the only long-time fursuit dancer still there, and im just wondering what else is going on, or if its just a case of "im gettin too old for this shit" or "meh, this aint fun anymore"
You have honestly impacted my life with your pics and your music in ways I can't describe. I have wanted to meet you since my brother showed me one of your music videos, it was your "I'm on top of the world" video. I remember just being just amazed. Sadly despite me wanting to meet you...Life has always just oddly not made it happen yet. (When you went to Las Vegas XD and When you were at FWA This year. I was so close both times but I didn't have a driver's license.) . I still hope to meet you someday, online or in real life is good with me X3
About the people stealing your product from you and then treating you like a villain, well that's bound to happen, those people just suck. Every time I catch an art thief they immediately go into a hostile mode and start saying I just ruined there lives. XD (They become really dramatic)
Anywho, I've noticed a lot recently that tons of people really just judge by ear these days...which scares me for the future. It feels like people are too scared to judge and learn for themselves, so they just listen to what others say. But I want you to know that I love you and everything you do. I hope you can find your spark again and remember you can always ask for help. Sometimes the fire just needs a little bit of fanning to rise again.
My brother and I love you, and we are here for you if you need anything.
But I truly hope you find your spark again and don't give up.
I hope you find your spark again. Not being able to actively do what you love because of a negative reception is gutting.
I even still remember you and your husband sitting in the front of karaoke at FC a couple of years ago when I sang a crappy rendition of Jimmy Buffett's "Why Don't We Get Drunk." I thought to myself "Hey I guess I wasn't too terrible if you guys weren't scared off by my vocals!" I felt privileged to have you share in a rare experience for me (namely, singing in public).
Anyway, you're a great guy. I've seen you do a lot of good for the community and those you care about. It's sad that some people can't be mature or adult enough to actually try and work past grudges, jealousy, or whatever beef they seem to have. Maybe they're just plain mean, hateful, spiteful people who can't bear to see good things happening for others.
Either way, it's not a complete picture of the man you are today. You still have a husband who believes in you despite the rumors, cold shoulders, and backstabbing. There are also many of us on the sidelines still cheering you on.
I too have been in the fandom since the 90's and too have had some people try to ostracize me from various sub-groups where I was once welcome, or even helped get rolling or founded. I cannot say you ever get used to it, because you don't. It's a low blow every single time. But as you said, school yard tactics of small and immature minds who have made decisions often without the benefit of reason or facts.
I have a litany of rumors about me and laugh at them, make fun of the rumors, work them into my shows and mock them as what they truly are. But more importantly when those small minded folks come behind me and burn bridges I reveal my talent and doing something far more useful.
Building new ones.
When one groups shuts me out I simply move one and using my existing friendships recreate newer groups, newer subsets, and often form better stronger bonds. There are a ton of furries who look up to you, myself included. Don't stop being yourself because that is the primary reason they shut you down or out. to change you. Be YOU. And find those people who like you for YOU. And in the end you will wake up one day with those networks rebuilt and those who once destroyed bridges trapped on their side of the chasm while you've not only built new ones and moved on, but have also helped others to come along with you.
And hell, if nothing else, if you come to Houston Texas, give me a call, and maybe I cna show you there are plenty of folks who admire and respect you, that you never knew were out there.\
you have so so so so so sososososososososo many more people who love you and would kill to just see you for a second at a con. you have pages and pages of fan art and gift art, you are far more loved in this fandom then you are hatted trust me
just look at all of these people commenting on this journal we all love you! who cares if a tinny few hate you for no fucking reason they will go away and hate on some one else while we will stay and love you
I know you'll make it someday
My best advice for you, is to forget who ever has burned you in the past, and just push on. Create your own path and have fun. Get back into dancing and express yourself! You are good at it! And keep making awesome videos and get people involved!
Lol, maybe do a reset? I often thought of the idea of creating a whole new character and suit and just run with it. Nobody remembers faces much anyway.
mB
It's hard even if you know some people already, you feel isolated because you were brought up in another culture, different customs, sometimes even different holidays too. It's hard to move away from close family as ell as leave friends behind, not knowing exactly when you might see them again & although Skype can be great, it isn't the same as popping out for a coffee or day out with those back home.
As for the cold shoulders you are getting, it seems many of the more famous faces within the fandom are facing criticism, sometimes because of jealousy, other times because people don't bother getting to know someone, they go with other people's opinions. Such a sad state if you ask me, I wish people would decide for themselves.
Me, I know, I would totally fangirl if I ever get the chance to meet you, I love watching the videos & watching your dancing, you make it look so easy but I know it's very hard to do in a heavy suit where you are warm & have limited vision etc.
Friends. Well, a true friend will be there no matter what, even if you argue, they will always have your back. They are the ones that you think of to call first when you need help & you know they will be there. If that's not happening, if instead you are constantly helping others, looking out for them, being a good friend & they only turn to you for a favour or whatever, then I'd have to ask...are they true friends?
Yes, a friend never asks for something in return but they will offer because they are a friend.
As for depression, I totally get that, I've been spiraling down, thankfully I have a few good close friends & my hubby that are there for me. I truly wish you the best, don't change, not for anyone except you!
You brought so much fur to the furry world, I can't imagine why anybody would hate you. I mean if they don't like your style, they should look at something else. It's not like your content is forced into their faces...
Please concentrate on those people who say good things and respect you, not on those who turn their back to you when you come around, these aren't worth any second to think about them.
Feeling left our or unwanted is a feeling many experience, each one in his own way. Something you have going for you is talent, looks and the ability to take some time off to recuperate. What you really need is a break to think and relax, or think things through, as you have done here. More thinking may be in order.
One problem you may be experiencing is basing your self worth on what others think of you. That's something you don't have to do - you're already pretty damned good at what you do. More than anything, most are jealous. Let them be so. Walk on.
Basically. I'm sorry shit heads are shit heads and people lack social rapport. Perhaps a break from the fandom is due?
I hope you will be happy, I hope you will rediscover yourself again. Hope is an action-less word, therefore, from my point of view, you are in complete control. You will decide if you find happiness in this fandom or not.
Although that does not mean you cannot seek help from others, that is, if that is what will help you build your path again.
I hope.
All the love, a not so long-time fan,
Draak Stolt.
I do send you best of wishes. I feel bad that you have to go through stuff like this. -big hugs -
I'll never understand why some people would go through so much effort to put somebody down. And for what? Was it really worth it? Surely, haters gonna hate, and not everyone is gonna get along. We all mistakes because we're human, and we're not gonna please everyone, too. But that doesn't mean you should give up on yourself, or let such bad situations stop and change for who you are.
You still have those who love and adore you for YOU. Those that love you and adore your work are your TRUE friends and fans. Those the kind of people who truly matter and should merely be focused on. Don't ever let such negativity win, stomp you to the ground, break your spirit, come on top, or put you on chains. You're a real cool Shep, and we're all proud of you no matter what.
When I find out about people talking behind my back or causing trouble it gets to me too. I remember a good friend telling me to not let what others say or do affect who you want to be, they are only doing that stuff to get a reaction out of you. Show the reaction they win. live your lie they way you want, talk to the people you want, if someone shuns you, you weren't meant to be friends.
I hope to see you around at more cons!
It could also unfortunately be that you're just getting older and things are changing around you. Most of the current dancer and party furs are within my age range of 18-29 (I'm 24).
Who really knows. Let's just hope that you stick around. You're one of my favorite suiters and someone that I have a lot of respect for. I'd hate to see you go.
The drama drove me into a 4 year hiatus, but in the end, I have come to realize, even if you're just on the outside looking in, the only thing that matters is not what other people think of you but what you feel while doing it. If it makes you feel good dancing, fursuiting, or just hanging out with friends, do it and don't worry about the basement dwellers. Just do what feels good to you, whatever makes you happy, and please don't worry about a few douches who thrive on making good people like you feel bad to make up for their own misery.
Duke, rock on brother! *hugs tight* ❤
Sending positive waves, and hoping things get better for you!
but any way I know how you feel maybe not exactly how you feel but similar to how you feel, I've had "friends" in this fandom do similar things to me, I would defend them or help them just to later have them turn there back on me and call me a drug attic and a troll to other members of the community just because I may not agree with them over certain things, seems like the fandom is getting worse by all these fakes.
I'm sorry to hear you can't enjoy yourself in the fandom Duke, I've I had been paying more attention or was a closer friend or was involved into the same subgroups your interested in I would stand up for you because I think that's not right, I feel like the fandom should be open to anyone and there interests and shouldn't be shunned by there likes or dislikes because deep down where all not the same people, we might like the same things but that doesn't mean we can all favorably coexist successfully.
I myself have been thinking of taking a break from the fandom for a few reasons.
Seems like this all happens to us all at some point or another if you've been in the fandom for a while.
maybe it's Jealousy...
I wish I had something more encouraging to say. Whenever I read journals like this, I have to say something. I hate seeing people get hurt especially those in the fandom. I care about the furry community and judging by the number of responses to your journal, a lot of people care about you too.
Hang in there Duke. *hugs*
I have always liked your dance videos, and you were one of the reasons i decided to get further into the community when i first found furry. you've inspired and brought smiles to many people, and no amount of drama can change that!
i hope you get to feeling better *gives some cookies*
ShawnSkunk
[ Hide Comment ] #link Posted: 2 hours ago
I read your entire journal Duke and I'm really sorry
I can that feeling
Many years ago before I joined FA I didn't know about you nor did I ever know you existed until I discovered some of your videos on YouTube
Your videos really lit up my life and gave me some inspiration to just have fun and have a good time with my life, enjoy life
Get out and do something, talk to people
You were one of my big inspirations and it's why I chose to follow you on here
A great person can inspire and change the world and leave a lasting impact that would have people saying I want to be like that person I want to do Something that can thrust greatness upon others around me
No matter what kind of people you may run into you do not have to change who you are if some people out don't like the way you are then they're just gonna have to change
You don't have to change anything about yourself in order to be like everyone and as long as you still have some friends who support you like these guys who also wrote here on your journal for example I would say you're still something special to us and no group or individual can tell you otherwise
Sorry to post this again I had to correct a typo
It hurts me to hear that you have been getting all this flack from the fur community.
I wanted to write you this message because it sounds like I may not get meet you. You are one of my idol and the reason why I became a furry, to have fun and to dance the night away. You have put a smile on my face and helped me though some hard times in my life. Every time I hear one of your songs from the music videos, I have to dance to it or learn the choreography to it. You still have people that will support and defend you here. I hope to see you one day in or out of suit so I could thank you in person. If you need to take a few years off do so don't make the decision now. it still sounds like you still want to suit. Fursuiting is to make yourself happy not others, so think of it this way the only opinion that matters is your own not Jo Blows down the road.
Take care of your self.
And Duke, Thank You
- James Fox
or
-Colin Cool
Sadly, when it comes to art and creativity, these will always be jealousy and egos. This is a big thing in the photography community that I am involved in and a product of human nature. People often take these hobbies to a level where they focus more on building their brand and pushing others away so they can have a larger slice of attention. In the end, this is a hobby and folks should play nice and have a good time. Its when they take it too seriously that the dark side presents itself.
- The Desert Fox
You were the catalyst that lead me to furry, I saw a photo of Oz when I was searching google images for kangaroo suits (I was floating the idea of a costume for halloween, but it didn't happen) which linked me to Critter Country and I simply adored the suit so much I just had to search deeper! When I googled 'Oz Kangaroo', I was expecting a cartoon show, but instead I found a DeviantArt with all this awesome art and it even inspired me to doodle a kangaroo character on my own! I looked back to the other suits on Critter Country and adored them too! Soon enough I found FurAffinity... and then a month or two later, I was experiencing my first fur con! It's been a joy being in the fandom, and it you had no contributed publicly to the furry community, I would have never experienced the furry fandom and met so many cool and interesting people.
I only met you once back in FurDU 2013, but it was a pleasure meeting you if only for a brief time. I'm a bit disappointed I've never hugged Oz (the suit), the catalyst for everything furry related for me, but it's awesome to see him in the few YouTube videos that feature him and those amusing inflation skits. I'm glad I never avoided you, even after hearing or reading about all this drama rubbish online or in conversations.
Good luck for whatever next step you wish to take in the future!
I can admit that you were one of the fursuiter who dragged me into this community. Yes, I've heard some bad things about you, but I still look up to you. You're an amazing person, and it really hurts me to see you be in this pain. I miss seeing content from you, and it's always a blast for me to look at. I really wish you had the interest to want to chat with me, both so I could get to know you, because I think you're a cool guy, but also because I think you deserve to have more friends. I hope you won't leave the fandom entirely, because it would be a loss to me, which can't be replaced.
I'm going through a similar situation, having haters who spoil my reputation within the fandom just because they don't like me. However, instead of just leaving me be, they bias mutual friends and others so that I don't succeed making friends. I have no idea what I did wrong or why those people have such an immense hate on me. But it's fact.
It's a shame what some people are doing with an individual's mind when they exclude you from like the entire fandom in order to hurt you on purpose. I have experienced most of what you tell in your journal. I am also at the point of just throwing the towel and leave the furry fandom back in order to find myself something else what could cure my deeply hurt heart and soul. Not even 7 fursuits were able to make me friends or being accepted by others. Instead, I am left out from any events (except public conventions). It's sad because fursuits are so wonderful and nice things.
Personally, I haven't heard bad things about you so far. I was always looking up for your dancing skills and more but - you as a well know fur - I haven't seen any reason for me to get in touch with you.
Anyway, I hope that you'll find back to your passion of fursuiting. I don't stop suiting nor will I give my boys away. I do things on my own, even when it's fursuiting home alone. And I got myself another hobby what is supposed to help me forgetting about the furry fandom. It's sad but people also have spoiled my passion for the entire furry fandom which is why I don't see a reason to keep on trying making friends.
All my best for your future and try to get your chin up again.
~TimberFuchs
For what it's worth, thank you. Thank you for the years of joy you've brought to us with your singing and dancing. I dunno if you'll take a break, or just find good, private circles to enjoy your interests. But I can only wish for better days for you and your hubby. You have my love and support. *hugs*
☆Kazam
I really hope to see you in future at conventions.. please take care and know that you still have many fans, myself included..
Hope things get much better Duke, and take as much time as you need to decide whether to leave or stay. Whatever happens, you'll always be my inspiration. *hugs*
It sounds selfish, but to be happy, you have to be selfish. You have to do things for yourself to be happy. Only you can change you. Don't let others take you over. <3 -Nibbles
what was it Nick Wilde said? never let them see that they got to you?
I suggest you take a break from all this. be it 3 months, or 6 months , or 1 or 2 years.
go out at smell the flowers, persue other hobbies, climb a mountain, get a breath of fresh air.
And come back with a fresh state of mind. a clean slate.
I think you will get your furry spark back. And maybe in a very unlikely way.
You know my story. I didn't have to try very hard to get my furrycon spark back.
3,000 residents of Pittsburgh gave it to me.
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6946999/
But you and a few others are what helped me into the fandom and I would love to meet you someday.
I wanted to let you know that my boyfiend and I love your personality, your talent, and how you present yourself to be.
Your dancing always lights up the room and honestly we loved having front row seats at floor wars to see the entertainment you provided.
You're an amazing actor, dancer, anda comedian by heart.
I understand what you're going through and honestly, maybe it's time to find new friends. People who appreciate you or your strengths and weaknesses and actually stand up for you when you need to be defended.
When I moved out of Jersey last year that's exactly what had happened. I lost my friends in jersey but they weren't my 'friends' just people who let me hang around them just so they had someone to make fun of.
You're a wonderful person, you do what you think is best for you and your husband. you both deserve the best.
Don't lose your passion, there are those out there who still admire you for who you truly are.
I know that my boyfriend and I are one of them.
-Mai.
I've never met you in person (even though i wanted to for a long time) but I think you're a great guy that enjoys what you do. I find it silly that something that is supposed to relive our stress is the source for more by individuals.
I really hope to see you in the future sometime, but if not i understand; regardless i hope the future is bright for you Duke. <3
Don't be down with your self,separation whom you loved your passion of what you do will do worse
believe me mr. Duke,I'v been there before. . .
Here's what my fore father's told me:
"Haters will hate them selves when they hate one person's opinion,lovers will love you more if you believe you can do it. . .make life a positively way to live,don't be a negative one. . .But the important thing is to relive your pain and be reborn"
That's what I heard,so I believed in it . . .
Its up to you to believe and be reborn from your pain. . .and be relived,and forget what negative thoughts that impacted you. . .
I believe in you Mr. Duke and your fans we support you. . .
A friendly advice from a Fan in the Pearl of the Orient.
I know how it feels dealing with the depression and a change in life honestly i am still proud of you duke being a fan should mean having a heart and caring and sharing your feelings and expressing yourself how you see fit and if people treat you like garbage honestly they should go and get lost honestly i know you enjoy the community and the things we do charitys and other works but maybe this is the sign to stop for a while and focus on your life and focus on enjoying your life with your mozzie.
Remeber the world is full of not understanding cruelty and malice but if we can arrise above it all and tell the world its my life my choice my freedom leave me be we can all live a little better.
And for your friends that you thought would be there for you remember you have friends everywhere that care and want nothing from you but to hear your doing ok and everything is going well thank you for keeping your fans in your heart and letting us in to your lives one video at a time and i am glad to see your ok..
Dingodog.
Furryhaven
But you can pull through. You can get your spark back, just don't be too hard on yourself if it takes a bit of time.
I have never had the pleasure of meeting you in the person, but if I ever do, rest assured I don't care what other people say. I, and many others I'm sure, prefer making up my own mind about a person.
Stay awesome, Duke.
I've dealt with your situation before, it's usually something stupid, I have a bad leg, scoliosis, allergies, hearing and speech problems, people quite often prejudge me due to this, thinking I am intoxicated. I like fursuiting since it masks a lot of it.
I wish I could help you with your problems, this is the first I've heard of it. I can't comment as we have never met.
I did get to see you dance at FTM. Your videos were influential in my joining the fandom. Even though I don't dance.
Depression sucks, many don't understand it.
I've not heard anything about you, but I've only been in the fandom about a year.
Wish you well.
I've also wanted to meet you in person and have fun dancing cause I also like to dance and sing and have even thought about proposing songs/dance video ideas to you that I think would be really fun to do. I wish there was something I could do to help with the way things have been going in the sub groups for you. I know all too well what it's like to be cast out from groups and things and it never feels good. I think taking a step back and pursing your interests with friends is a nice idea but never stop doing the things you love to do, unless it involves hurting someone which isn't nice. :P
Bad jokes aside you really should continue to do the things you love to do and don't let others deter you from such interests just because they don't want to befriend and get to know you because someone else doesn't like you, for which I wouldn't know why. You shouldn't let those kinds of people get you down because ultimately you don't want those kinds of flaky people in your life, trust me. I tried to do the same thing for years of being friends with those kinds of people and it always left me hurt and yearning for more.
I know good friends are difficult to find but please don't let that get you down. You are a wonderful person for bringing so much joy and fun to people and it's shameful that others are trying to bring you down. I know you don't know me but if you'd really like a friend I'd be more than happy to be your friend and we could even collaborate on things as well. I'm always thinking about dance ideas or scenes in my head when listening to music and I love having fun with others as well just like you do in your videos.
I really hope things get better for you and please keep doing the things you love and be happy for yourself. Just from these comments I can see you have lots of support and you have more from me as well. I'm going to keep watching your fun videos and hope that one day I could at least meet you in person and maybe we could have fun together.
Warm fluffy snow fox hugs
Xander~
lots of furs love you <3
There are some real asshats in the fandom. It's almost intriguing how unwelcoming some people in the fandom can be....I mean come on... We're furries, who are we to judge anyone else like that? While yes people might shun you for who you are and what you do, that's their issue. If you have wronged them in any way shape or form, then they should bring it to your face so it might possibly be dealt with. It's their own fault for making such a fiasco about it.
As for what you do... Duke... You really are amazing. At everything you do, and all of us can tell that you love doing it too. If your presence alone makes people uncomfortable and "ruins" their fun.... Then they need to find a new hobby, because apparently what they do isn't fulfilling enough to look past that. I'm absolutely in love with what you do. You're one of the biggest reasons i got into the fandom. What you did, and who you are, lead me to look into the fandom as a whole. I'm sure I'm not the only one who you've inspired, and I'm definitely not the last either. So Duke, I know I literally am just a stranger, but I, along with your other fans, ask that you keep doing what you do, do what makes you happy...
If you need someone to talk to, which I'm sure has been offered several times already, just pm me and I'll give you my telegram
I will also include the fact that you have been a major inspiration to me, seeing you out there doing what you do best made me want to be like that...to have all that energy and drive to make people happy and to have fun. You are the reason I am here today, a apart of this big, fluffy world called the furry fandom.
let any hater or troll or anyone else stop you.
I can't say I know how you feel, myself not being a prominent figure in the fandom, nor being a fursuiter (yet). But what I do know, and can tell you is how much you have affected, my life, as well as I'm sure many others here. You are such a bright, happy, and strong willed person. I go through hard paths too. S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder), and Bipolar Disorder. They take a toll on my emotions, and I'm not always a happy as I'd like to be. But I can guarantee that whenever I see your suits's mischievous grin, and his bouncy personality shine, my day instantly is as bright as the happiest person out there. Don't let people in this world ever get to you. Don't ever let them make you feel unwanted, or egotistical. We all encounter fake "friends" in our lives. But you want to know something? You have fans, some of those people could be, and would be your best friends, and be there for you like no one else. There are always people out there for you Duke, don't loose that light, that spark of passion. It keeps us going with you.
I read this whole thing very careful, even had the voice narrator read it out loud to me.
I cannot tell you enough with how much I really feel for you on this whole thing, and I am
not just saying that, because I have gone through a lot of hardships as well. I sill kind of do
in a way, and it sucks. So yeah, I completely relate to this. I've always been the good person
in life, and even in this fandom, respecting others, enjoying myself, having fun etc. There is
a lot of people who still don't like me, or want nothing to do with me, and I question is to why
they feel that way. Sometimes I will get a response, or maybe not at all. To be honest, I just
don't let it affect me, about what people really think of me, and that's not easy for people to
overcome. But anyways, I did notice you weren't posting much, and I didn't forget about you.
Duke, I always respected you, and I know you were never a bad person. I remember you
telling me, that joined the fandom for good reasons to.
All I can say is, keep your chin up high. I am sorry you went through all of that.
You are an outstanding performer, be it singing, dancing, or making your music videos to the point where you have inspired others in the furry community to start creating and performing their own works. I can admit I was one of those starry eyed young furs watching your dance videos (like the Fuego by PitBull choreo at AC that was sick) and admittedly your performances were one of the reasons why I started fursuiting, DJing, and going to cons. Meeting you and Mozee was probably one of the biggest highlights of FC2015 for me and I really wish I could've gotten over being starstruck to get to know you two and chill out a bit longer.
It sucks when depression hits, it kills you from the inside and makes you lose interest in everything you love doing and keeps you from wanting to get out of that rut. Don't lose hope though! You just have to keep up with it, bare your teeth and start enjoying things again. (even like you said if it's just in private for a while) It won't be easy but if you keep at it with some great friends and some great times, I'm sure you'd be back in the swing of things ^^. Not to mention you also have Mozee to help you through your sadness as well. He knows you best and even just a little bit of love can pull you out of the slump somewhat.
I'm really hoping you feel better soon, you owe it to yourself to be happy in life and nothing should take away from that. From one shep to another, keep strong ^^ and keep doing what you love!
I see where you are coming from, the whole thing with feeling unwelcome and such. You are more than welcome in the community in MY eyes. (Heck if were in the same con and you wanna hit me up, I'll be more than happy to join) It's unfortunate that people in this community aren't tolerant of other opinions and points of view and will hold a grudge for, lets face it, often minor things, especially nowadays for some reason. I know that tolerance in the fandom hasn't been flawless but it seems more and more that people want to find any reason to pick a fight.
I respect your choice to reel things in and enjoy yourself in private. That is what all furs should do at least from time to time. But if you want to be more active in the fandom again, just remember, it has to be YOUR choice and YOURS alone. Don't put yourself in misery just for the fandom, We can wait.
Because we want you to enjoy yourself too. :3