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not dead
9 years ago
i bet y'all are frustrated with me and that's okay. i kinda deserve it.
figured i should offer an explanation for my lack of activity:
my CT Aunt came up (SURPRISE) with my grandfather on wednesday/thursday, i just spent the past two days moving no joke 400lbs of disgusting, rat-infested, depressing garbage out of my home. i saw some shit i'd rather not see.
all while my CT family crawled up my ass about selling my childhood house. there was a lot of treating me like an irresponsible kid, and while inexperienced in business, there was really no reason to be super condescending about the whole thing. i know i don't want to live in the middle of the woods, but my instincts said to clean it up and rent it, make a bit of bank. christ, it's such a nice place that three months of rent and i cover the property taxes for the year. 88 year old jewish businessman grandfather thought different. fortunately it's not his decision to make at the end of the day, and we can't even do anything at all about selling the cars OR the house until the probate goes through. which it still hasn't, very frustrating at this point...it's been nearly 8 months.
nothing but money matters to my CT family, it seems. i can't say, "oh i workshop writing for high school/young adult authors when i have the time," without them asking how much i'm getting paid. nothing, i just enjoy helping my fellow man sometimes. fuck off.
most every response i want to give them requires a "fuck off" at the end, but i've been conditioned, there's really no other word for it, to be submissive to them. idk. it's...uncomfortable for me to talk about and really complicated.
meanwhile, i have a letter from the IRS waiting for me at the post office, and though i've been reassured that this year's taxes are all taken care of, i have no idea what this could be and half the people i talk to are acting as though i had a live nuke waiting for me instead of a letter. NEXT year's taxes are gonna be utter complicated bullshit, but i didn't make diddly fuck for money last year, it should be a cinch.
then yesterday, friday, i had a pretty intensive therapy session that took a ton out of me, as you could imagine, i had a lot to talk about considering that the visit with my CT fam was a nearly complete train wreck.
and I"M a wreck haha. i've been trying to lay off the alcohol cause i have a strict personal rule to not get drunk when i'm sad, but man it's tempting.
so if anyone would like to light me on fire or nuke me from orbit that'd be fucking great.
obviously not gonna offer/take any more commissions til i finish what's on my plate.
figured i should offer an explanation for my lack of activity:
my CT Aunt came up (SURPRISE) with my grandfather on wednesday/thursday, i just spent the past two days moving no joke 400lbs of disgusting, rat-infested, depressing garbage out of my home. i saw some shit i'd rather not see.
all while my CT family crawled up my ass about selling my childhood house. there was a lot of treating me like an irresponsible kid, and while inexperienced in business, there was really no reason to be super condescending about the whole thing. i know i don't want to live in the middle of the woods, but my instincts said to clean it up and rent it, make a bit of bank. christ, it's such a nice place that three months of rent and i cover the property taxes for the year. 88 year old jewish businessman grandfather thought different. fortunately it's not his decision to make at the end of the day, and we can't even do anything at all about selling the cars OR the house until the probate goes through. which it still hasn't, very frustrating at this point...it's been nearly 8 months.
nothing but money matters to my CT family, it seems. i can't say, "oh i workshop writing for high school/young adult authors when i have the time," without them asking how much i'm getting paid. nothing, i just enjoy helping my fellow man sometimes. fuck off.
most every response i want to give them requires a "fuck off" at the end, but i've been conditioned, there's really no other word for it, to be submissive to them. idk. it's...uncomfortable for me to talk about and really complicated.
meanwhile, i have a letter from the IRS waiting for me at the post office, and though i've been reassured that this year's taxes are all taken care of, i have no idea what this could be and half the people i talk to are acting as though i had a live nuke waiting for me instead of a letter. NEXT year's taxes are gonna be utter complicated bullshit, but i didn't make diddly fuck for money last year, it should be a cinch.
then yesterday, friday, i had a pretty intensive therapy session that took a ton out of me, as you could imagine, i had a lot to talk about considering that the visit with my CT fam was a nearly complete train wreck.
and I"M a wreck haha. i've been trying to lay off the alcohol cause i have a strict personal rule to not get drunk when i'm sad, but man it's tempting.
so if anyone would like to light me on fire or nuke me from orbit that'd be fucking great.
obviously not gonna offer/take any more commissions til i finish what's on my plate.
just having someone give me permission to do that was so great and calmed a lot of the noise in my head. i'm so glad that my counselor's got a skype option in case i don't find someone i like better in NY.
I hope things can clear up for you soon, it seems really really rough
with the CT fam, it's like, "we'll say you have our support but you only really have our support if you meet XYZ conditions and if you try to call us out on being hypocritical shits we'll tell you we don't remember saying that ever." i'd like to cut them out of my life, but it'd break my grandmother's heart and i love her a lot. she's genuinely a good person and has always encouraged my art, even though i censor pretty much everything i show her. my grandparents are in their mid/late 80's and i don't wanna be morbid, but that day when i get to cut the toxic people out of my life will come.
I do feel for ya, buddy!
after encounters like this, i find it incredibly therapeutic to shut my phone completely off and not answer it for like, a week. no texts, no nothin. if people really gotta get ahold of me, they know other ways.
i rescued a kayak from the depths of my barn and i've been working on cleaning it up so Pidge and I can have a nice weekend on a lake. i've only been kayaking once but i loved it.
if i thought i'd be living in maine a while, i'd look into getting a medicinal license, but i'm not soooo *shrugs*