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Something I need to get off my chest
8 years ago
✯✯✯✯ The Red Draggy who rawrs, hugs and is open for commissions presents... ✯✯✯✯ Heya there guys. I needed to clear something up just a little since I believe that a true friendship is built off of trust and honesty. So yup.
I'm not feeling too good. No, I'm not sick. I'm feeling very depressed. It might come as a surprise since I've always been the happy red draggy who gives smiles, hugs and love to everyone but, I can't do that all the time. And even I expected that of me. It's hard. I may have seemed happy when posting art and doing the descriptions (unless you were smart and caught the secret message in the description for "Idurisu Yone - Scrumize"), but recently I haven't been feeling myself lately.
2017 has so far been a horrible year for me. It started with me having all the confidence in the world and happy rawrs and whatever. I was stoked for change. Even in my journal! "2017 is the year of change!" Little did I know that most of that change, would be bad.
In February I was dumped. After having a beautiful 2 1/2 year relationship and a wonderfully planned future ahead of me, it all went down the toilet. I felt alone, sad and like everyone blamed me for everything. Then between then and mid march, things happened at home and I lost all trust from my family. I felt shunned and alone and was nearly even made homeless 3 times. Mostly due to finances and other business. That's one of the reasons why I pushed commissions so much. I needed the money to survive basically. That took a big shot of my trust here. Nobody helped when I asked for help. First thing that came to my mind was "where's the community part of the fandom?" I had serious doubts about the furry fandom and I felt like people would only help you or talk to you if they got something out of it. Greedy and selfish. But I'm not thinking like that anymore.
Nobody talks to me (even though I specifically say I NEVER speak up first, I wait to be spoken to then I never shut up) and then I feel like people only want to speak to me because either they...
1. don't have anyone else to speak to.
2. are only my friend because of likes/fetishes/kinks and only want to talk about that. To prove that you can talk to people without having the same likes, I'm friends with people who like things I'm AGAINST and I dislike. So when I say I care about everyone, I don't care who you are or what you like. I would like to be your friend.
3. they only want to roleplay with me and I'm like, no there's other things we can do.
4. I scare them off when I have a different opinion on something and then I get hate journals written about me and then they never speak to me again and then suddenly we aren't friends all of a sudden after we sort it out?
And lastly, I'm not afraid to say this. But I'm so depressed, I've had suicidal thoughts and I hurt myself the other day and wished something worse happened. I'm not saying I want to hurt myself now but it was that bad. Over the past few months, I've actually been quite sad. But I put on a mask to make myself seem happy. Because I feel like I'm known for being the happy red draggy everyone loves. But there are sometimes when I just can't anymore. I lost all hope for getting up in the morning. All I want to do is sleep. I see no future for myself. Even if I do something about it.
I'm depressed. And to ANYONE of you who read this. Watcher or not. I'm sorry if I have ever wronged you in any way. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if I gave you a reason to hate me/call me names/ignore me. And I'm sorry for anything and everything I've done that has ever upset anyone.
I hope you all understand how I feel. And I don't blame you for not wanting to stay.
Gumi - Again
Every inch of me is charred
God what happened to my heart
I'm about to fall apart
Again... Again...
And you're never coming back
and I'm not okay with that.
And I never should've let myself get attacked again.
I hope everyone has a good day. And I'm sorry for bringing this up. I'm not seeking attention. I'm just being honest. 
You have me here and on Steam if you EVER need to reach me just to talk about something, I'm willing to listen if you wish me to. Also If you get back into Skype too I would be open on voice chatting if you like to as well, I personally don't mind ^^
I hope you feel a bit better my friend, these feelings really are awful. But we're all in this together
While we don't talk much anymore, just know that I still think fondly of you and I'm still happy to be your friend! You really did help me a lot getting myself started and figured out, and I'll always appreciate you deeply for that. Now, I know I'm no guru or otherwise qualified to deal with this situation, but if you need somebody to talk to, vent to, just get something off your chest, I'll always be there for you!~
I wholly look forward to seeing you recover, and you WILL recover...! You're a great draggy who's always friendly and helps people! There aren't many that fit that role, and the void would definitely be felt... Now get better, y'hear?~ *wing hug*
Im here for you, always, im never gunna let you down, never gunna give you up
you are just a wonderful, talented and smart draggy!
never forget that and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
I love and care about you.
Never let anyone drag you down.
You do you and what you like and enjoy doing, dont let anyone take that away from you.
im gunna stick by you till the very end!
never be afraid to show your true emotions.
never hide behind a mask, vent out your feelings rather than keep then bottled up inside
is no good for you.
I will never lose you ever and thats a promise i will keep.
you can achieve great things when put your mind to it!