So this is going to be a relatively long write-up here, so thanks for taking the time to have a read. If you want a tl;dr- it was a life changing experience for me.

I need to preface this whole thing by talking a bit about the furry fandom as a whole, and how I feel about it. It will hopefully offer a bit of insight as to why this was such an emotional experience for me.

It's..rather hard to describe what the furry fandom is. Everyone experiences it in their own way, at their own pace, to the extent that they desire. For some it's simply an enjoyment of art and literature, some enjoy the adult aspects of the fandom. Others enjoy crafting, suiting, or the social interaction. Some enjoy roleplay. For some it could be none of these, or all of these. It's an incredibly malleable experience and really hard to pin down into one solid definition. But generally I think it can be said that the imagination is harnessed in all of these uses and forms, and that imagination and fantasy are driving forces behind the things we all enjoy and the things that are created as a result of this fandom.

For me personally, I have been struggling for a while to figure out the what and the why of the fandom as to how it pertains to me. It's been 15 years since Fuzzy was created- initially as a joke that suddenly felt 'right' when I actually roleplayed as him for the first time. That theme of 'feeling right' has cropped up a few times in my life with regards to the fandom, and is a rather unique sensation for me personally. Having grown up in a rather conservative, very religious household, I didn't really get to express myself outwardly in terms of being a furry. I was worried, paranoid even, that my friends and family would desert me if they'd ever found out. That I would be labeled a freak, a deviant, or something else. This paranoia actually still exists today.

That all being said, I have spent the past 14 years being Fuzzy, and being a part of the fandom to the best of my abilities. With one or two notable exceptions, my interaction had been entirely online. Meeting folks when I could, usually through RP or other methods, and generally messaging each other back and forth. Occasionally we would voice or play games together, but it was never a face to face sort of situation. It simply couldn't happen. Cons were out of the question as there was no practical way for me to make it happen AND keep it under wraps. It was something I really hadn't considered, because I honestly was not sure if it would be the right fit for me.

Despite how circumstances had limited my interaction with furries to an extent, there has never been any doubt in my mind at the importance this fandom has had for me. I'm not entirely sure why it was the case, but Fuzzy has been an immensely important part of me since day 1. He is simply an extension of me, idealized somewhat and used as an escape from the harshness of the actual world. While this isn't a remotely uncommon theme for a lot of furries, it was still most certainly my own little world. One that I have grown attached to. Most of the folks I met through the fandom have been absolutely amazing people, and it's to the point these days that I feel like you can't really separate the two of us. Fuzz is a fundamental part of who I am. I certainly have the presence of mind to be practical in separating these two sides when necessary (I'm not going to bark randomly at a stranger on the street, for example), but in the privacy of my mind the two are interlocked. You can't take the Fuzz out of Adam, and you can't take the Adam out of Fuzz, to be simple about it.

A lot of this changed as of last year for me. I was finally able to move out on my own with the help of a dear dragon named Frostscale. He has helped turn my life around and has made me a better person. I am eternally grateful for all that he has done for me, and the incredible amount of patience and support he has held for me. As a result, I have found a good job, live in a nice apartment, and generally deal with a significantly smaller amount of stress and general malaise that tends to come with the stagnation of the life I was living previously. Another added bonus was that for once in my life I could openly be a furry- even if that simply meant making a stupid joke with the word 'murr' in the punchline, or talking about F-List, or making some crude joke about animal genitalia..I could, and it would be fine. No weird stares or confusion.

So..why am I going on and on here? It's basically to show that the fandom is a huge part of who I am..something I think about a lot, about what it means to me, about it's actual impact to me. Despite everything, it had never existed in a really tangible form for me. I'd never seen a fursuit, I'd never been to a meet..I'd never really 'done' the stuff one should..'do', as a furry, so to speak..or at least the things I had figured one should do to have the furry experience.

AC was planned for this year..and I really had no idea what to expect. I know it's a big con, and that was about it. I know I had a few friends attending, and that was it. I was going in mostly blind. There was a nagging doubt in my mind, a fear almost, that it was going to shatter the fragile grasp I'd gained on the fandom over the years. Maybe this scene wasn't for me. Maybe I just simply like roleplaying as an animal and that's the end of it. That's where the ride stops, and that'll be that. These amazing people I talk to online and consider my friends will be just that. Full stop. Hopefully you can understand where I am coming from here. Doubt and fear are terrible things, but tend to come naturally to those who have low self esteem, who have low confidence, who have problems that humans generally have.

Anyway..hopefully that provides a bit of a background for what I'm trying to get at here. The furry fandom is a complicated beast, and the limited grasp it had on still had such a stranglehold on my life (welcomed, naturally) that I was..scared to see what would happen when I decided to make it tangible. So..how'd it all go?

It was a life changing experience for me, and one that I will never forget.

There are many different words I have been using to describe my emotions the past couple of days. Words I have been using to describe what I saw, what I felt, what I experienced. Words like 'beautiful', 'wonderful', 'amazing'. Phrases like 'life changing' don't come lightly to me, but I've said it probably a dozen times. This con changed me on a fundamental level, in ways I couldn't have imagined.

It's hard to even know where to begin. I'd never even seen a fursuit before this weekend. I never really had a proper badge, nor seen anyone with one. Never owned a tail, anything. The basics, really. I was..for severe lack of a better term, a virgin in the furry fandom. Pulling into Pittsburgh, I was nervous and curious to see what the streets would be like..and right there as we pulled into the hotel I saw a suiter! And another, and another..and another. The biggest smile spread over my face. Stepping into the lobby, more suiters, more badges. Everyone is smiling. The room was buzzing with excitement. The staff just sort of had this grin on their faces like "Yeah, the furries are in town." -- colorful signs were everywhere. Our freaking room keys had a unicorn on them with a baseball on his horn. Holy shit, it was real and finally happening.

As we made our way down to the convention center (following a sergal and a bowser), my smile grew more and more as I got closer. Right outside the center there were so many suiters. Groups of people chatting. People smiling, laughing, joking, hugging. So many colors, so many different creatures and sounds and just..well, everything. It was fascinating. More importantly, it was -real-. After such a long time, it was finally existing before me, and I didn't need to hide, to feel shame, to worry that someone might see me. It didn't matter.

I'm aware for some people this is just whatever- they attend meets, they see this shit all the time. They're veterans of conventions and this doesn't particularly phase them. But for someone that has been involved in the fandom for 15 years, seeing it come to life like this, in such an intense, concentrated fashion is..an incredible experience. I will -never- forget going up to the main floor of the center and seeing hundreds and thousands of people and suiters walking along doing their thing. It was the most surreal, incredible feeling. I almost instantly met some friends I'd known for years that I had never seen previously, and we right to the Dealer's Den. I couldn't stop smiling. I stood in the entrance to that place and took all of it in for a few seconds. I wanted to tear up. I didn't stop smiling. I didn't want it to stop. Right then and there, I had fallen in love with the fandom in a way I never expected to happen, with an intensity I didn't think I was capable of possessing.

I was home.

No other way to describe it. This is where I wanted to be, and these people were who I wanted to be with. These people. These beautiful, amazing, wonderful, loving, happy people sharing their joy, sharing their experiences..it's addicting. Seeing people hug and smile, sharing jokes and laughing. Seeing friends meet up, seeing suiters interacting with old and young, posting for photos, playing, squeaking, dragging tails and elaborate costumes around..it's like nothing you could imagine if you've never seen it before. All of my problems seemed to disappear. The bitterness, the jealousy, the nervousness. The exhaustion, the heat, the worry I had. None of it mattered. I became absorbed in the energy of that place, and it was amazing. For once in my life the bitter pettiness of the real world wasn't pushing it's way through. I could put it all aside and just let myself become surrounded by thousands of happy people letting themselves go and loving every second of it. I have never, EVER smiled so much in my entire life. I have never felt emotions of this caliber in my entire life. It was an intensely powerful, moving experience for me.

Essentially I knew the con was going to go two ways- it wasn't going to be my scene, or I was going to be home. It was the latter, far more than I thought it was going to be.

I won't give a run down on what I did day by day, but there were some great highlights. I spent a lot of time hanging out with an otter friend I've known for about a year, who has a particularly wonderful suit. She was a joy to be with, and we shared a lot of memories. We played tabletop games together, we watched fireworks on the balcony over the lit up bridge (30 brief seconds I will never forget- absolutely surreal and mindblowing). Random strangers hugging me and starting up conversations. People watching while eating dinner and not thinking a thing of a dragon or a rave-decked skunk trotting along through traffic. A drunk couple wanting to pet my tail. The waitress at the restaurant talking about how amazing the fandom was. Meeting random wolves from Telegram and making amazing friends as a result of it. Sitting in Starbucks and seeing just as many fursuits mixed in with business suits. Going to the dealer's den and getting fucking ROASTED for hours by an amazing local glass etcher.

There is an astoundingly beautiful contrast between the furry world and the human world. Truly, surrounded by everybody, the burdens of the regular world seem to disappear. I wasn't worried about my job, about things at home, or my family. I was there in the moment. I lived for the now. I took everything in with an intensity, with a passion and voracity unlike anything I had felt previously. There is an energy to the fandom you cannot find anywhere else. If you are willing to allow yourself to experience it, it will change you. Never before have I met such a beautiful group of people. Never before have I wanted to just scream how much an experience had meant to me.

I am overcome with emotion. I am exhausted in every single way as a result of this con, but I will never, ever forget this. I have fundamentally changed as a result of this weekend. I know now, finally, that the last 15 years of my life have not been a waste. I'm home now, and it's the best feeling in the world.

I cried typing that last sentence, and I was smiling the entire time I did. Having a fundamental part of your existence justified and verified is something I never thought would happen from something as simple as attending a convention, but here we are.

I'm home now. I was welcomed with open arms, and I never want it to stop.

I love this fandom. I love all of the strange, wonderful, sensitive, creative people that exist in it. Thank you for creating something beautiful.

Thank you to each and every one of you, for all that you do.

It's good to be home.