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All Employees Must Wash Hands
8 years ago
In 2007 I work in Kyrgyzstan as a contractor for the Department of Defense. I was a system admin managing classified networks, stuck in an airbase in the middle of a foreign country. I didn't want to be there, but hey... it paid well, and I needed to raise money to keep FA running at the time, so off to Southeast Asia I went! I have a hell of a lot of stories from there but the one I'll always remember is the story of Bruce.
Bruce worked on my contract with me... and was fired over chocolate chip cookies.
You read that correctly. Chocolate. Chip. Cookies.
If you've ever been on a military base or in a Department of Defense facility you know there are rules. Fuck, the rules have rules. And you can do pretty much whatever you want to do so long as it's within the rules.
Enter the DFAC.
The DFAC (Dining Facility) is where you go to get your grub on, to grab a Coke, nom on lunch, or whatever you need. And on a base like this everything is free (within reason). Like everything else government-related the DFAC has rules. One of the primary rules of the DFAC: wash your hands when entering. Actually, that's pretty much the only rule of the DFAC.
Enter Bruce.
Bruce was a majestic beast. The kind of man that did what he wanted, when he wanted. He didn't much care for rules. In fact, he didn't really care for much of anything. Bruce was the kind of employee everybody wonders how the hell they got hired and how they kept their job. He existed, and he got paid to exist.
Enter the cookies.
On a military base overseas supporting forward bases in Afghanistan cookies are in short supply. Oddly, that may be the only thing in short supply. When they DFAC baked fresh cookies it was cause for celebration. And Bruce? Bruce wanted some cookies, and wasn't going to be deterred. He found out when they were making the cookies, and snuck over to the DFAC with a plastic bin the very moment they put them out, and filled it to the brim dozens upon dozens of still warm cookies.
But Bruce made a mistake. A fatal mistake. He was so dead set on getting more than his share that he forgot to wash his hands. However, there was one person who didn't forget. The one person who saw him. The base commander. The commander was actually rotating out, and it was his last night in Kyrgyzstan. A new commander arrived, and he was hanging around waiting for his ride out of Dodge.
When Bruce came into work the next day he was confused. You see, the former commander had given him a parting gift. On his desk lay an autographed picture of the commander with the words "Cleanliness is next to godliness." The commander's name was signed at the bottom.
Bruce was confused. What did it mean? Why did the commander give him an autographed portrait with that line on it? And that's when Bruce learned there was a second gift. Shortly after, Bruce was greeted by MPs who informed him that his invitation to be on the base was no longer welcome. He was being evicted, and in fact, his authorization to be in the country on the DOD's behalf had been revoked as well. He had less than 24 hours to gather his things and leave of his own volition. Because he was no longer allowed on base he was no longer able to do his job, and was subsequently fired.
In the end, Bruce was fired over cookies.
This is a true story.
Bruce worked on my contract with me... and was fired over chocolate chip cookies.
You read that correctly. Chocolate. Chip. Cookies.
If you've ever been on a military base or in a Department of Defense facility you know there are rules. Fuck, the rules have rules. And you can do pretty much whatever you want to do so long as it's within the rules.
Enter the DFAC.
The DFAC (Dining Facility) is where you go to get your grub on, to grab a Coke, nom on lunch, or whatever you need. And on a base like this everything is free (within reason). Like everything else government-related the DFAC has rules. One of the primary rules of the DFAC: wash your hands when entering. Actually, that's pretty much the only rule of the DFAC.
Enter Bruce.
Bruce was a majestic beast. The kind of man that did what he wanted, when he wanted. He didn't much care for rules. In fact, he didn't really care for much of anything. Bruce was the kind of employee everybody wonders how the hell they got hired and how they kept their job. He existed, and he got paid to exist.
Enter the cookies.
On a military base overseas supporting forward bases in Afghanistan cookies are in short supply. Oddly, that may be the only thing in short supply. When they DFAC baked fresh cookies it was cause for celebration. And Bruce? Bruce wanted some cookies, and wasn't going to be deterred. He found out when they were making the cookies, and snuck over to the DFAC with a plastic bin the very moment they put them out, and filled it to the brim dozens upon dozens of still warm cookies.
But Bruce made a mistake. A fatal mistake. He was so dead set on getting more than his share that he forgot to wash his hands. However, there was one person who didn't forget. The one person who saw him. The base commander. The commander was actually rotating out, and it was his last night in Kyrgyzstan. A new commander arrived, and he was hanging around waiting for his ride out of Dodge.
When Bruce came into work the next day he was confused. You see, the former commander had given him a parting gift. On his desk lay an autographed picture of the commander with the words "Cleanliness is next to godliness." The commander's name was signed at the bottom.
Bruce was confused. What did it mean? Why did the commander give him an autographed portrait with that line on it? And that's when Bruce learned there was a second gift. Shortly after, Bruce was greeted by MPs who informed him that his invitation to be on the base was no longer welcome. He was being evicted, and in fact, his authorization to be in the country on the DOD's behalf had been revoked as well. He had less than 24 hours to gather his things and leave of his own volition. Because he was no longer allowed on base he was no longer able to do his job, and was subsequently fired.
In the end, Bruce was fired over cookies.
This is a true story.
They weren't even peanut butter cookies. What kind of savage gets fired over chocolate chip?
Who put their hands in the cookie jar? It was BRUCE! THE SHARK!
COOKIES FOOD, NOT FRIENDS!
So cookies and a someone not washing his hands and eating cookies doesn't surprise me at all.
Still, people have been fired for far stupider reasons such as witnessing employees do the Harlem Shake.
Hopefully people who get fired for trivial reasons know that they can sue for wrongful termination.
The cookies were why the exiting commander looked for a pretext to fire Bruce.
It's sort of like there being a button. The button doesn't do anything -- anything at all -- but there's one rule. Don't touch the button that does nothing. Sometimes the rules are there to weed out stupid people. Sometimes they're there for safety reasons.
I'd call it awesome except it wasn't. Someone should have found said base commander and fired HIM over some bullshit like that.
And did they seriously not even provide him transportation out of the country? Just 'You're not allowed to be here anymore, leave within 24 hours or....'? What would they have done if he didn't manage to secure some form of transportation out of the country? Lock him up IN the country someplace? Take him back home again anyway? Couldn't they have just taken him back home THEN told him he wasn't allowed back under their jurisdiction? So ass backwards...
Further, the commander had requested that Bruce wash his hands, and Bruce told him no (thinking because he was leaving nothing could happen). When you're a contractor you're there as a guest, and the military sets certain exceptions. You need to adhere to them.
Further, Bruce's actions (taking dozens of cookies, more than a reasonable share) could have impacted every other contractor on that base. If we lost DFAC privledges there'd been tons of people who'd have no access to food. DFAC dining rights are not something you're guaranteed.
This may seem odd as a civilian but when you work alongside with the DOD or the intelligence groups they have rules, and if you can't follow the most basic, simple of the rules they have full rights to go "Sorry, we don't like you, and we'd prefer you not work here." In this case, when they told Bruce that, he was barred from the base... and that meant everything else that was associated it with severed. He knew that. We'd even warned him of that. He did not care.
It doesn't really explain them basically abandoning him in a foreign country where he could be considered illegally there and get jailed, shot or what have you and only giving him 24 hours to leave, which might not be enough time to get out of the country safely. What if the guy attempted to get a flight or other transportation out of the country, but none was available?
I mean it's fine if the guy was an idiot. He obviously deserved to be cut loose. But considering what else might have happened to him as a result of doing it in such an abrupt manner, I can't understand why they wouldn't just send him home. They could charge him for it and everything, but release him on home soil, not in some country that might do something drastic to him as a result. What's that country's policy on foreigners on their soil without clearance, especially someone who just left a military base?
what a scumbag
The guys was rotating out so outright firing a soldier instead of firmly punishing him? that's considered BAD trolling at best.
It's no different than at a business. If a director or VP says "Hey man, don't do this." and you do it... even if they're moving to a different project they most likely have enough clout to take action on you. And sanitation is incredibly important on a military base.
The commander simply said he's not welcome anymore. Everything else that happened because of that was all his fault.
The military is strict, and the ability to follow simple instruction is a core tenant of the service. If you can't follow simple instruction the military may choose to have words with you, as what happened in this instance.
Guess i should have read the journal more thoroughly :/
Not saying people don't overdo it but that's the logic behind it.
That's not cool. That and from the sound of it Bruce wasn't one of the troops. As 'Neer said he was a contractor and there to do a job only he decided to say fuck it to the rules and peoples health. Guys like that end up getting people killed. Good riddance.
The Bruces of the world consider themselves “special” people that do not have to go by the rules or commands. In fact, they think that they are smarter than everyone else because they ignore rules to get what they want. In combat, they usually represent a solid percentage of the first line casualties in any combat zone.
When they get XX’ed by their own stupid arrogance it makes for a good story afterwards. But when their stupid “the rules don’t apply to me” attitude gets you or some of your buddies killed, I say “piss on their grave.”
A dude was shot at the PX back in the 90's because it was found he was running a cigarette smuggling ring to the Germans, then ran over an MP when they found out. MP panicked after he was hit by the guy, drew his firearm, shot the guy. He died. For months they handle candlelight vigils for the blackmarketer who hit the cop. Never figured out why.
What that exiting base commander did, is called 'Pen-Fucking'.
Its when a superior (usually an asshole), finds a way to screw someone over, for whatever reason that they can find, and then carries-out said douchery.
I served in the military, and to my EVER-LOVING joy, was graced with a platoon Sgt. who was a 'Pen Fucker'.
Trouble with him was-
He was dumb as a g-damned rock. He couldn't even pen-fuck me/others, the right way. He'd try to punish those under his charge, for the simplest of things (an 'Irish Pennant ((aka, loose thread)), on their uniform during inspection, not wearing their uniform correctly, while HE didn't even have a web-belt on, OR socks, etc..).
That Officer in 'Band of Brothers', when they're at Basic? The one constantly writing people up and MAKING-UP things to write them up about? Exactly like that (though my experiences trumped that movie by about 20 years).
I called 'Mast' on him, two times, over trivial/bs things he attempted to UCMJ me about (minor infractions that don't warrant a Courts Martial, but WILL be on your record, and often results in loss of rank/pay/privileges, etc..).
Standing before our Base Commander (Captain the first time, Colonel, the next), the Sgt. was allowed to present his side, and then I was permitted to 'Explain' myself.
Both times, I was dismissed from before the Commander, excused and all said 'Infractions', immediately dropped. After the second farce (with the Colonel, this time), the Sgt. was demoted down to Corporal, and transferred from our base to who-knows-where. This person (I refuse to call him a 'Man', for he lacked anything that would earn him that Title), would be the one who was served a grenade (or similar gift), if he EVER served in a combat unit.
Sometimes, the military goes out of its way to be bass-ackwards. No one who's served would doubt this.
But sometimes, just sometimes, the system back-fires on the ass-hats, and THEY get a taste of their own medicine.
B.
Fuck the cookies.
You went to another country, in a war zone!
So furries.... Could have PORN????????
Try to sample local cuisine if you find the opportunity, Kyrgyzstan is particularly known for something called Beshbarmak: noodles with meat and also something that is called Paloo: though I am more familiar with its Uzbek equivalent, Plov, which is lamb over rice cooked in a heavy pan so that all the flavours mix. When it comes to meats: mutton, beef, and horse meat are the most widely-available though mutton or lamb would probably be the most tasty. Also there are really delicious large dumplings known as Manti.
Do try some Kyrgyz food if you get the chance, you'll get a huge meal (Central Asian countries take hospitality really seriously) with lots of good, filling protein and some chai (tea) along with it.
I really enjoy the cultures and cuisines of Central Asia though. I'll be going to Russia for an extended period of time fairly soon so I'll probably try to visit Kyrgyzstan.
And was also well aware that said revocation was at the discretion of the military he was contracted to work with?
If so, fucking eh! You don't shit on your own doorstep. Especially not if that doorstep is the only bit of hospitable ground you can set foot on in the country. Shame on Bruce.
That's hot.
And these people were all cleared.