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[Furry] What Do You Think Of Me? (Retna Remix)
16 years ago
Stolen directly, word for word, from 
twile and convinced by 
kaoru to actually do this...
Honesty and transparency can cause drama, but bottled up feelings can cause it ten times as bad. So let's lay all our cards on the table.
Tell me what you think of me. You can do it in two parts if you want, talking both about my character and me, the player... but what I'm most after is the latter. I want to know what sort of vibe I give off to people. Am I a quiet guy who mostly keeps to his own space and watches politely? Am I an opinionated jerk who seeks out beehives to stir up? Why do you think that? I promise to take any negative feedback or rumors in stride.
Respond in a comment if you want. Or in a note if you have stuff you don't want to mention publicly. Or email from an account which I won't be able to tie back to your FA account, if you want to be totally anonymous.
For my next journal, I'll do the opposite--people can comment and I'll tell them what I think of them and why."
twile and convinced by 
kaoru to actually do this...Honesty and transparency can cause drama, but bottled up feelings can cause it ten times as bad. So let's lay all our cards on the table.
Tell me what you think of me. You can do it in two parts if you want, talking both about my character and me, the player... but what I'm most after is the latter. I want to know what sort of vibe I give off to people. Am I a quiet guy who mostly keeps to his own space and watches politely? Am I an opinionated jerk who seeks out beehives to stir up? Why do you think that? I promise to take any negative feedback or rumors in stride.
Respond in a comment if you want. Or in a note if you have stuff you don't want to mention publicly. Or email from an account which I won't be able to tie back to your FA account, if you want to be totally anonymous.
For my next journal, I'll do the opposite--people can comment and I'll tell them what I think of them and why."
Let's see now...what can I say about Retna? Hmm...
From my experience with you, which is still too limited in my opinion, you're a sweet, caring, and supportive friend. You've always been there when I needed you with open arms and an open heart, which really means a lot to me. To be honest, the only complaint about our relationship is that I don't know you better :P. If I may be so bold, I think that (at least with me), you can be a bit closed off when talking about yourself. That's not to say that you're not completely engaged in our conversations when I ask about you, but I know that there's a lot brewing underneath the surface, good and bad. I'm not going to push you to be more open with me (I'm pretty sure that you're not bottled up with everyone), but I'd like the opportunity to get to know on a deeper level what makes you tick, what your perspectives on life in general are, what your favorite color is, etc. Though we haven't been talking for THAT long in comparison with some, I'd still like to have that chance to be a better friend to you. I'd like to think that I have useful things to say, and that when I don't have anything useful to say, at least it's an interesting if twisted ride through my crazy thought process x3.
So yeah, that's basically it :3. All in all, I think you're pretty great, which is why I fully intend to continue talking to you and deepening our budding connection <3.
~Ty
Anyway...
First, I want to assure you that you do have useful things to say. You were one of the first people, aside from Kaoru, I actually opened up to about the problems I was having a couple months ago. Your advice and the conversation we had was really helpful to me. <3 I do hope that you feel that I provide the same level of support when you come to me with your problems. :3
Regarding me being closed off to people, I admit that I don't reveal a lot about myself to others. However, I assure you that if you give it some more time, I'll open up more to you as I do with other people. Of course, if there's something specific you wanted to know about me, asking me questions could work. :P But yeah, just give it some more time. n.n I already consider you a really good friend of mine. <3
~Retna
As far as your favorite color and things of that nature, I'll be sure to posit questions, but for the other stuff, I'm perfectly content to sit on my haunches and wait (with my tail wagging, obviously). Given how you've been with me so far and what I hear about you from informed sources, I would like nothing better than to spend the time getting to know each other better at a comfortable pace for both of us. I'm really glad we're friends <3.
I think I will split this into two segments - one about your character, and one about you, the player. First up is Retna, himself. I've shared my initial impressions with you, in the past, and gone over, in detail, just how I feel about him - but as for what I think? Well...
I think Retna is a manifestation of who you want to be. Potentially, who you wanted to be in the past - but I don't know that this has changed, and I honestly don't feel it has. I don't know what your first character, the feline-digimon you told me about so long ago, was like - but I do know what Retna is like, and how you've styled him. Perky. Playful. Ebullient. Outgoing. Vivaceous. Excitable. Laid-back. The more I get to know you, and the more I get to know him, the more I feel like you wish you could take some traits from Retna, and apply them in your own life. I do think he's a fitting fursona for you, because he allows you to express these parts of your personality that so rarely see the light of day (from what I've seen, and heard) in the real world.
He is a part of you, that's definitely the case. What you try to paint him as, that's in you. But I think that, perhaps, trying to push yourself to be Retna, when you might only feel up to bein' Retna-player, so to speak, could be partially responsible for some of the troubles you've been having...since I can remember, actually, but they've certainly gotten more pressing as of late. And it feels, to me, like this is why you keep wanting to change things up, take on new faces, new roles, because you want to be free to be something else - something besides what people have come to expect of Retna, which, I believe, tires you out to be, sometimes.
I think Retna is a remarkable creation, though, and a remarkable furson. Especially at his best, he is exactly what you bill him to be - slightly-hyper, occasionally-immature, tempestuous and just a little bit wild, and so much more. He is, as such, a sop for the imagination - in the sense that when I start to think about Retna, my mind races. He is, in a word, inspirational - I can imagine him in many different situations, in many different contexts, I can imagine him in different places and different times. I can imagine him with different moods, I can imagine him with different outfits, I can imagine him with different desires. But through it all, he maintains a core of unique personality that changing space and place cannot touch. Though you may not realize it, you have really created a great character in Retna, in my eyes, and I am very impressed with you, for that. And very impressed with him, too.
Obviously, as you know - and I really can't believe I'm coming right out and saying this stuff in public, but, here goes - I do have feelings for him that aren't as clean and decent as the pure admiration and respect I espoused for him, above. I am attracted to Retna, the character, strongly attracted, I think that he's not only incredibly physically appealing - 'hot', if you will - but he has a personal allure that goes far beyond that, and it's inherent to who he is. Put someone who's not-Retna into Retna's body, and I strongly doubt I would feel anything at all, natively, towards that person - except, perhaps, a strong yearning for the hyena they reminded me of, you. His personality holds an incredible sort of appeal for me that, while I am certainly not at a loss to explain, I feel would take a little too much focus away from the topic of this, to go into now. That'll be a post for another time, I suppose.
I think Retna is more multifaceted than most people give him credit for, and I think you are actually just a little afraid to let him be. It seems to me that you worry about acting any way with Retna except the way that people are most accustomed to him acting - that you, perhaps, worry it would 'spoil' him if people saw him feeling moody, or down, or unhappy. I don't know if you believe that these sorts of feelings aren't native to Retna's mindset, or if you just don't want to set precedent for having Retna worry about serious things, but I feel you're doing yourself a disservice. One of my strongest memories of interaction with the hyena was that joking little bit of play where he called me up, invited me over to his 'place', and we sat on the couch, together, and simply chatted about things that had him worried. I feel like I got a lot closer to the core of Retna's feelings, in that one evening, than I could by staying near him during months of him being bright and energetic.
Going further on the above topic, I think that far too many people have fallen into considering Retna as merely a predator, one who exists only to consume, and these folks don't seem to believe that there are any considerations they need to worry about, with you, beyond that. I do feel like this is partially due to your own actions, and I feel you recognize that - it is because you so rarely display Retna in other moods, mindsets and contexts besides the carefree, fun-loving, perky and hungry hyena, that people have grown accustomed to thinking of him that way.
I think that Retna is ready and waiting to unfold a whole new dimension of experiences to you, as a character, if you will but give him free rein to be who he and you feel, at any given moment, instead of always trying to be something that nobody could possibly keep up constantly. But even if all of this is entirely inaccurate, I still think that Retna is, for the reasons I've outlined, and plenty more, an astonishing and worthwhile person to spend time with. And I love him, very, very much.
That's the easy part done. Now for the trickier subject - the person behind the hyena.
I hardly even know where to begin - there's a lot to cover. I think the most overriding trait I've noticed from you, however, is that you tend to be very cautious. Perhaps overly-so, in some ways. It shows through in a lot of what you do, and it's not necessarily a bad trait, but it is very visible. You are very discerning in who you form bonds with, though you don't seem to actually bond as slowly as I would expect, when you do pick someone you like. You are often very reserved, in your thoughts, and your stated opinions - unless asked, you don't tend to volunteer much, and this, I feel, plays into your oft-times silence in more group-oriented interactions. You don't seem to like the idea of others judging you in situations you don't have complete control over.
This also applies to your conduct in expressing your own feelings - I've noticed that you are often reluctant to do so. You seem to feel like you would be imposing on others, if you let them in on your less-perky thoughts and feelings - and I also feel like you are very selective about who you want knowing many things about you. That second part is only natural, in most respects - we all have parts of ourselves that we only feel comfortable sharing with some, not others - but the first, I believe, is strongly-rooted in what's been done to you, in the past. Because as we've discussed, people have imposed on you, people have taken advantage of you, and people have used you as a sponge for their despondency and depression, sometimes to excess. You don't want to be that person. You don't want to do that to anyone else. I think you're afraid of it, and I think that contributes to some of what I mentioned you do with Retna, above.
I find your caution rather endearing, that said. Especially in the sense that you do it out of a desire to spare others - even if you don't mean it to be so, it's a very noble and selfless thing, to hold oneself apart and not turn to others to share your pain with. But it's a very lonely road, too. I believe that part of the reason you walk it is because you've been hurt, hurt by many things, over the years, and it's inspired you to stay relatively shut off, to spare yourself trouble. But, again, this is just a conclusion I've reached based on our conversations and my own observations, so take it as such, not an iron-clad judgement.
You're also very deliberate. I mentioned this recently, and I think it's worth stressing, here - when you decide to do something, you take the time to do it right, and you are usually very committed to it. This sort of focus and concentration is very commendable, and worth taking notice of. Whatever I'm doing with you, whenever we're doing it - play or conversation, discussion or even the occasional dispute - I have always felt like you were giving your all to it, putting everything you had into your side of things. By the same token, however, your concentration is fragile, and so you can become, as I'm sure you, yourself, have noticed - very volatile when you're ripped out of the moment, when you were concentrating heavily on something. This is just a part of who you are, and it's not something I would change for the world. I just think you should be aware of the fact that you can sometimes seem somewhat readily-upset, and so people might react differently around you, to avoid triggering that reaction. I probably do some of this, myself, and I did a great deal more, in the past.
But your commitment is, overall, most definitely a good thing - it means that people can count on you, depend on you. When you say that you're going to do something, you do it, and you do it laudably and well, to the best of your ability. Definitely something you want to nurture.
Finally, I feel like you're a very deep thinker. You give consideration and credence to many things that would just pass other people by, and often look deeper, below the surface, as to what people really mean, when they say things to you. The reality underlying the veneer of sociability is a very important topic, to you. Often, you realize where there are troubles or problems between your friends and you, even before they, themselves know it. Your mind always seems to be in motion, pondering and working on various problems, both internal and external, personal and otherwise. Both your deliberateness and your caution, I believe, stem from this - you always want to feel like you understand a situation before you act, and you want to make sure you know what effect your actions will have, in that context. You are the most willing person I know to engage in powerful, and meaningful conversations, and talking to you has always been, in that light, very refreshing.
Being such a deep thinker means that you do end up very prone to changing your mind about things, during your still-deliberating phase, as new facets and thoughts arise, and it probably contributes to your occasional moodiness, as well - when we have nothing to do but think about things that might bother us, it's hard to feel cheerful. It's hard to feel anything but down, as a matter of fact. Be careful with your mind - it's pretty darn powerful, after all! - and don't forget to find things that'll cheer you up, when you really need it. Maybe you should keep a little file full of the kind, but meaningful things folks have said to you - the things that you really liked hearing, and that really mattered to you? Just a thought.
It is, in my eyes, all of these things, and more, that help make you who you are - for I've only scratched the surface of what I think of you, and see in you, for all that I've been going along for well over a thousand words, at this point. Might as well have drawn you a picture, hah! It all mixes and whirls together to leave the impression of a deep, sensitive, caring individual - a you that is definitely worth being proud of. Yet, I feel like I, and others, could do with more.
I, myself, know I want to see more - more of you, more of who you are, more of what is close to you and near to you and dear to you. More of your worries, more of your strife, more of your concerns, and your pains. I think I'd like to see you open up, as much as you're comfortable with. Let all of those other facets that you so rarely show, see the light of day. Don't worry so much about imposing on others or relying on them - just let people know to tell you if they feel you are. Take the opportunity to relax, stop thinking so hard, and just do things you enjoy, to take the edge off of things - though I would hope, and I think, you already do some of this, already!
There is so much more that you have to offer to your friends, and to the world, than what they've seen so far. There is so much more inside of you than just the voracious predator that so many idolize you as. I have said it before, and I will say it again: There is and always will be more to Retna than the smile that can seal folks away behind it. And, perhaps, there is even more to you than Retna, alone, can contain - but if you let yourself be free with him, free to be serious, free to be sad, free to be whoever and whatever you feel like being, at the moment, I think you'll find he fits you just fine. Give me sorrow, Retna, give me rage, give me suffering and self-doubt and despair and confusion. I didn't sign on with you just because I thought you looked good with me in ya, after all.
And on the less-serious side, don't think that I want to miss out or skip out on the powerful and sensual parts of your personality, either. Exploring that side of you, and exploring that side of me, has proved to be one of the most incredible experiences I have ever shared with another person. Should you get there, I want to share further intimacies with you, I want to give of myself as fully and thoroughly as I can, and receive of you, in return. I want the realest, most meaningful 'you' that you c'n give me, in every way possible, serious, emotional, sensual, intimate, lewd, cute, funny, dark, light, and beyond. I want to knock down the pillars of your self-restraint and bring the truest expression of your essence crashing down on me, so I can see where we stand. I want to travel with you to the furthest shore of your 'self' and stare out at the horizon of your being, appreciating you in full, for all that you are, and all that you mean to me.
That's what I think of you, Retna.
And that's why, for all that I care about, for all that I adore, for all that I, with all my heart, love Retna - I love the person behind him more.
Truly -
Madly -
Deeply -
I do.
And I never want to forget anything we've been through, together, anything we've done, anything we've suffered. The joy and the pain, the storms and the rain, the tears and the fears and the struggles, the separations, the reunions, the hardships and the doubts... I want it all, I want to remember it, I want to know it, I want to feel it. Come what may, even if we should someday go our separate ways, I never want to lose sight of what you meant to me, and what you were to me, and what I thought and felt for you. There are some things in all of our lives that we can forget, with no loss.
But some things are worth remembering.
~Kaoru
Thanks, as always, for your input, Kaoru. <3
(xD and don't know enough about ya to make any real judgements.)
(I figured you wouldn't have much to say about the real me. :P We haven't spent a lot of time getting to know each other. x3)
...That wasn't very brief D:
In the short time we've known each other, I can fully understand why you would think that I'm a little too quiet sometimes. Admittedly, I have had problems in the past saying "NO!" to people, especially with friends. I still kinda do, too, but I don't think it's as huge of a problem as it used to be. I know how to be firm when I need to be. However, I'm not going to be firm and man up unless I know for sure that the benefits of me doing so outweigh the consequences. I'm sure that I'll eventually prove to be a lot less quiet than you think I am right now. I just haven't had a reason to be firm around you, yet. :P
Anyway, thanks for your input! :D
I respect your personality, and also your capabilities. In vore, you're wonderful, you've been both a predator and prey to me, describing small details that others might miss while I feel like you truly have gotten into what we RPed. It's nice to have the realization that someone other than yourself really and truly enjoys the same things you do, and that's a feeling you give me, a warm, fuzzy one deep inside that just glows. It's comforting to be able to talk to you, relaxing to be able to chat about whatever or even give you a soft snuggle. You're definitely one of a kind, Retna, and I wish I could be on messengers to catch you more often. ^^
It's the truth, I have nothing bad to say about you. :D
I'm also glad you enjoy the small, descriptive details that I add whenever we role-play. I put a lot of effort in role-playing and it makes me happy whenever others notice those small details. n.n
It's a shame that you aren't around a lot 'cause I sure like hanging out with ya! Anywho, thanks for your input! And sorry about the late response! x3
Now with respect to you?
You're a good guy, and I respect you, more so after having the chance to spend some time with you in person. Your intelligence, your caring for other people, and your ability to hold your own among people-- to know when to go with the flow, and know when to put your foot down-- are all qualities that I have to admire. You're well-spoken, thoughtful, pleasant to be around, someone that I know I can have a verbal disagreement with without the chance of offense being taken on either side, and foremost someone that I feel like I can and do trust. It only makes things that much more pleasant that we share a field of study to further talk and joke about; it seems to me that had we been studying at the same university, it would have been very unexpected for us not to have become friends.
If not for having met you in person, though, there's a lot of that that I really wouldn't be able to say one way or the other. When I speak to you online, you seem sheltered and guarded, and our exchanges are short. There's not a lot that we talk about, least of all furry or vorish subjects, curiously enough, and while it feels like there was a time when we had more animated and frequent communication, at this point I can't ever really claim to know how you're feeling, what's been going on with you, what you're 'into', what's been on your mind, or much anything else related to you except for the most shallow details. It feels as though our lack of a common history precludes much of the sort of interaction that other people seem to value so much-- not that this is something I'm blaming you for, of course. It's something I find myself regretting, but I can't put responsibility for it one place or another, because if I had more of an understanding of what made things the way they are they likely wouldn't be that way in the first place. I hear about you all the time, and it makes me jealous of your closer acquaintance, but I am in some ways a jealous person.
Honesty and transparency, you said!
Anyway, thanks for your input as always, Eid. :3