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A word
7 years ago
Wishing you well!
I had a thought earlier while trying to go to sleep this evening, it's more of a contextual thing I noticed. When some people say that 'they don't really know you' I noticed a gut reaction to that being simply a means of deflection which is silly. Most people I think get it but when people say something along those lines it's quite simply what they mean, here are some examples:
-General knowledge
-How limited their situational awareness can be with only the small amount being given from the source themselves. This includes special circumstances and hardships.
-How you plan things out (seriously people think that others don't plan, it's weird) or how a certain workflow is achieved
-How you support yourself and how you deal with things greater than you, so what systems that might be in place for that
-How you problem solve
-How you react to stimulus
-What your goals generally are
-Ect, ect
I also noticed that tense is also wildly ignored. Saying something like "I had some trouble but it's fine now." sometimes the '...it's fine now.' gets ignored unless it's emphasized.
I think it's why I always try to respond and act in good faith, it takes a whole lot for me to give up on something, and even if I assume someone is acting in bad faith I try now especially to keep a cool head because there's a lot to take into consideration. Of course not everyone gives that consideration but I feel it's important to try it atleast to start with. Even abrasive people I assume they're doing what they're doing because they truly believe they're in the right so it's hard for me to hate them unless they're specifically trying to troll which is more obvious, or worse they're trying to manipulate which I can catch in seconds.
I guess I wanted to say that because I'm really thinking of my mindset it was after my mother passed. It's something that I don't think anymore, but I do feel as though I should mention it, just so you can get a little look into my general feelings on things and how they've evolved. Even though this isn't truly logical I'll mention it now.
I blamed myself for her death, because of my undying devolution to trying to finish art at all costs.
You see, she offered me and my bf to move into a new house with her, the only problem is that I had alot of commissions I had to finish and I knew that in order to survive I'd have to finish them all, the problem is that anyone who knows me, like really knows me, knows that I worked so hard, so long, in a slavish manner of every day of my life at the time. I knew it would be hell, it would be absolute hell if I didn't finish them in time and that I wouldn't be able to hold onto anything, not for a second. She gave me until my lease was up but that date came and went and the reality set in that I wouldn't be able to do it. I had to tell her, I hated myself for it. Around this time she started getting new symptoms, things that would ultimately lead to her death, the thing is that if it was caught early (she held off because of how frequent she was going to the hospital) that she could have made it.
That's all my brain needed to know, that small sliver of culpability. I talk alot how this place causes me stress, this is part of the reason. I want to be clear that I don't have this thought hanging over my head anymore, but that moment for me was pivotal in my approach towards art in general being completely torn away. For almost a year, that was art to me. The thing that helped kill my mom. This general thought, this art over everything mentality that I see in the fandom sickens me to no end now. I can't take it. Even now I see things like suicide attempts with a line right after saying something along the lines "Don't worry you're commissions will be finished". That to me is terrifying. It was something I lived.
It's easy to ask the wrong kind of questions or come to the wrong type of conclusions with stuff like this. You need to take a step back. There are just some things that are beyond you and that's ok. It's better to treat the symptom because you may never even know what the cause is. Do it in good faith, don't assume things, ask, be calm and keep your fingers to yourself and I guarantee you things will be solved pretty easily, be sure to not assume anything. Like for me, my biggest thing is stress, but people assumed (wrongly) that if I gave up on things that it would cause me less stress, of course this was incorrect. What I craved most after that turmoil was normalcy, to be fired up and excited about art again it was working really well at one point and helped to revitalized everything. Hell, I was feeling so good I even worked on something that was cancelled. People contacting me also helped(Simply asking where there commission was, not to see if I was alright or alive), when they would and asked me about commissions and my work, I'd be able to give general time-frames (something like after X is done or by the weekend) and I was actually able to fulfill every one of them. Ultimately it helped me a lot because it helped me slowly get over my issues instead of adding to them, ie everyone won that let me, and those that didn't, well, I don't consider 2 refunds a loss so much as a disappointment, especially if they help build me up better in future.
This applies to every issue someone has. "What does X have to do with anything?" then you're asking the wrong questions, let it be. If X is important or affecting the person negatively, don't deny X! That doesn't mean give up either if you have your own issues, ask! Communication helps but you have to be willing to communicate! You might be surprised! It's also important to weigh what's going on. Life threatening, world crushing, massive changes vs. whatever you're feeling (because every time someone mentions it to me it's really just something they're feeling, not experiencing and if you can say honestly that your perceived feelings are greater then what they're possibly physically going through, I'm saying it now you're wrong). It's alright to be upset, but don't let it or others turn it nasty because you'll only be damning yourself. Even if a person is truly apologetic and wants to help you, who's going to be able to deal with that?
You can't demand empathy or logic for that matter, there of course are going to be people who don't care that I made myself vulnerable just now and that I'm some sorta magical art demon here to take all of your money or something. It's silly you know? I started this off because of how little anyone can see inside my life but I couldn't end it on nothing but bad. It's why I'm trying to work towards something better. I hope you all can join me.
TL:DR: Lol, so long, I don't even know why.
-General knowledge
-How limited their situational awareness can be with only the small amount being given from the source themselves. This includes special circumstances and hardships.
-How you plan things out (seriously people think that others don't plan, it's weird) or how a certain workflow is achieved
-How you support yourself and how you deal with things greater than you, so what systems that might be in place for that
-How you problem solve
-How you react to stimulus
-What your goals generally are
-Ect, ect
I also noticed that tense is also wildly ignored. Saying something like "I had some trouble but it's fine now." sometimes the '...it's fine now.' gets ignored unless it's emphasized.
I think it's why I always try to respond and act in good faith, it takes a whole lot for me to give up on something, and even if I assume someone is acting in bad faith I try now especially to keep a cool head because there's a lot to take into consideration. Of course not everyone gives that consideration but I feel it's important to try it atleast to start with. Even abrasive people I assume they're doing what they're doing because they truly believe they're in the right so it's hard for me to hate them unless they're specifically trying to troll which is more obvious, or worse they're trying to manipulate which I can catch in seconds.
I guess I wanted to say that because I'm really thinking of my mindset it was after my mother passed. It's something that I don't think anymore, but I do feel as though I should mention it, just so you can get a little look into my general feelings on things and how they've evolved. Even though this isn't truly logical I'll mention it now.
I blamed myself for her death, because of my undying devolution to trying to finish art at all costs.
You see, she offered me and my bf to move into a new house with her, the only problem is that I had alot of commissions I had to finish and I knew that in order to survive I'd have to finish them all, the problem is that anyone who knows me, like really knows me, knows that I worked so hard, so long, in a slavish manner of every day of my life at the time. I knew it would be hell, it would be absolute hell if I didn't finish them in time and that I wouldn't be able to hold onto anything, not for a second. She gave me until my lease was up but that date came and went and the reality set in that I wouldn't be able to do it. I had to tell her, I hated myself for it. Around this time she started getting new symptoms, things that would ultimately lead to her death, the thing is that if it was caught early (she held off because of how frequent she was going to the hospital) that she could have made it.
That's all my brain needed to know, that small sliver of culpability. I talk alot how this place causes me stress, this is part of the reason. I want to be clear that I don't have this thought hanging over my head anymore, but that moment for me was pivotal in my approach towards art in general being completely torn away. For almost a year, that was art to me. The thing that helped kill my mom. This general thought, this art over everything mentality that I see in the fandom sickens me to no end now. I can't take it. Even now I see things like suicide attempts with a line right after saying something along the lines "Don't worry you're commissions will be finished". That to me is terrifying. It was something I lived.
It's easy to ask the wrong kind of questions or come to the wrong type of conclusions with stuff like this. You need to take a step back. There are just some things that are beyond you and that's ok. It's better to treat the symptom because you may never even know what the cause is. Do it in good faith, don't assume things, ask, be calm and keep your fingers to yourself and I guarantee you things will be solved pretty easily, be sure to not assume anything. Like for me, my biggest thing is stress, but people assumed (wrongly) that if I gave up on things that it would cause me less stress, of course this was incorrect. What I craved most after that turmoil was normalcy, to be fired up and excited about art again it was working really well at one point and helped to revitalized everything. Hell, I was feeling so good I even worked on something that was cancelled. People contacting me also helped(Simply asking where there commission was, not to see if I was alright or alive), when they would and asked me about commissions and my work, I'd be able to give general time-frames (something like after X is done or by the weekend) and I was actually able to fulfill every one of them. Ultimately it helped me a lot because it helped me slowly get over my issues instead of adding to them, ie everyone won that let me, and those that didn't, well, I don't consider 2 refunds a loss so much as a disappointment, especially if they help build me up better in future.
This applies to every issue someone has. "What does X have to do with anything?" then you're asking the wrong questions, let it be. If X is important or affecting the person negatively, don't deny X! That doesn't mean give up either if you have your own issues, ask! Communication helps but you have to be willing to communicate! You might be surprised! It's also important to weigh what's going on. Life threatening, world crushing, massive changes vs. whatever you're feeling (because every time someone mentions it to me it's really just something they're feeling, not experiencing and if you can say honestly that your perceived feelings are greater then what they're possibly physically going through, I'm saying it now you're wrong). It's alright to be upset, but don't let it or others turn it nasty because you'll only be damning yourself. Even if a person is truly apologetic and wants to help you, who's going to be able to deal with that?
You can't demand empathy or logic for that matter, there of course are going to be people who don't care that I made myself vulnerable just now and that I'm some sorta magical art demon here to take all of your money or something. It's silly you know? I started this off because of how little anyone can see inside my life but I couldn't end it on nothing but bad. It's why I'm trying to work towards something better. I hope you all can join me.
TL:DR: Lol, so long, I don't even know why.
However, I don't think you should blame yourself (if you still do, although I notice you used past tense there). Everyone in this world has things that are thrown at them that can't necessarily be expected or anticipated, and when we deal with these things, we may not necessarily make the choices we would wish we had made in the future... But that doesn't mean that we have to hold on to that blame, and it doesn't keep us from using the experiences that we have gained to better ourselves and our paths in the future. Like you said, it's alright to be upset. But that will pass, and don't feel bad about letting it pass. It may always be a difficult subject. But that doesn't mean you'd have to let it hold you back.
I've always thought it's important to hold on to hope and not to give up. Because then there is at least a chance of things getting better. If you give up, there's no chance at all.
I may not be one of your commissioners or one of your friends, but I try to say something at least. And it is generally that I hope things get better for you. Keep believing that you'll come to terms with how things went, and somehow... You will.
Get back to doing what you enjoy first. The rest will follow, should you wish it. And I'll support you in that, for what it's worth.