tl;dr -- I love this fandom and AC was amazing. Full stop.

Non-tl;dr --

If you remember, last year I wrote a journal about my experiences at my first every furry event..which happened to be Anthrocon 2017. You can read it here If you'd like. Obviously it had a very profound, fundamental impact on me as a person. Life-changing is a very good way to describe it.

I have since been to a total of four conventions. One was an anime convention, the other three being fur cons, including this AC. I went in this year knowing what to expect, with an air of confidence. Hell, I was even a little lukewarm about it, since I was worried about it feeling impersonal. Everyone always seems to think AC is impersonal, that it's some mammoth-scaled con that can't possibly have the same feelings as smaller, more intimate conventions. That individuals become swallowed in the mass and it becomes some sort of ambiguous, homogeneous mass of 'furry'.

Personally I don't see it. I don't get how anyone could attend this convention and feel anything but the overwhelming love and positivity the furry fandom brings. I know I wrote a lot last year about how beautiful and creative and wonderful this fandom is..and that feeling absolutely remains. I was able to truly experience that this year. 2017 was a time for me to come into my own world, and this year was a time for me to appreciate the world I'd become a part of.

I did all the typical things one does at a con- waited in lines, went to a few panels, met up with friends. I spent a lot of time in the dealer's den and the artist's alley. I hosted a room party. I ate some pizza. I ate little else. I didn't sleep. I didn't drink enough water. I became exhausted. I got really sick. I cried. I cried a lot. I'm crying right now. I felt emotions, I laughed, I hugged, I kissed. I had long talks late into the night with dear friends about this fandom, about this experience, about my emotions. I saw people on the streets being free and joyous. I saw people letting go of prejudices, of their burdens, of their worries. I saw people being happy. I saw beautiful suiters and artists doing beautiful things. I saw creativity and expression and joy and emotion in it's rawest form. And I was a part of that. I was IN it.

I don't want to be out of it.

I'm writing this in tears at the moment, as PCD is rearing it's ugly head. I was foolish enough to think I might have avoided it this year, and even had the gall to feel slightly lukewarm about AC, for many of the reasons listed above. I am pleased to report I was foolish in thinking as such. Going in with a slightly clearer head and a better idea of what to expect really did allow me the luxury of experiencing things that much more. I am incredibly grateful for this.

I had a lot of down time during the convention, which led me to one of the biggest takeaways of this convention, and the fandom as a whole. I am, absolutely, fundamentally connected to this fandom at every level. I hesitate to use the word 'spiritually', but it's the closest analog I can think of that describes it adequately. I noticed during my afternoons, when I wasn't really attending panels, when the DD was closed, when people were out and about..that I was at a complete state of serenity, peace, and calm when I was sitting about. I had many hours just sitting with a few friends in a mostly empty part of the convention center, talking about this and that..but as I observed the people sitting around, the suiters idly walking by, hearing faint music in the background along with their laughter and joy and all that..I just felt incredible peace. The theme of 'home' came up last year a lot, and it was most certainly here as well. There is a serenity, a relaxed atmosphere to the convention, to the fandom as a whole..everyone was at peace, and I felt that on a very basic level. This feeling was amplified Saturday night when I spent probably 4 or 5 hours with some of my dearest friends standing outside the Westin. People were partying, suits were walking by- there was laughter, partying, hugs, smiles..you name it..and all I did was watch. I observed. I took it all in, and it filled me with such energy, such a sense of pride and belonging. Such a joyous feeling that resonated through it.

One of my dearest friends and my brother, Kal, was there with me for this con. It was his first time at AC and the first time him and I had met, after knowing each other for well over 10 years. He was a little shy and nervous about the convention, as he wasn't exactly sure who he would know, and how he'd feel about things. But, similar to me, he felt that same sort of joy and peace that I did..and that Saturday night, as we were walking back to the hotel, he had the same sort of 'buzz' about him as I did. He didn't want to sleep because his mind was buzzing with all sorts of energy..and hell, we were up until nearly 3 or 4am just talking. I talked a LOT about the fandom and what it meant to me, how it was misunderstood, how people interpreted it, what it meant to me, the impact it had on me. I realized a LOT about myself, and what this beautiful group of people meant to me. Kal understood too. I'll never forget when he told me "This was a very special convention for me." -- this is coming from a wolf who has been attending cons for probably 12+ years. He saw the love Pittsburgh had for the fandom, as well as the emotion and familial love that surrounded this part of the city for that weekend. Truly, he is my brother. I am immensely grateful to have met him. and I will never forget the experiences we shared.

I know for a lot of people, this sounds like I'm having some sort of religious experience. That maybe I'm going too far, looking at things too deeply. To some, the fandom is just a reason to dress up, to draw art, to throw a party and drink. All of these things are okay. For me, the fandom is a family. It is love. It is a celebration of art, of music, of a subculture. It brings together all of these people under one roof to celebrate, to partake in our common bond with feral joy. To let loose oppression, to stop worrying. To allow yourself to be swept up into the crowd and to laugh. To smile. To cry. Expression is encouraged. Emotions are okay to feel. Judgement is thrown out the door. People can be themselves. That relief can be FELT in the air. That joy can be EXPERIENCED. I am a very empathetic person, and it resonates so intensely strong with me that it can be overwhelming at times. But it's the sort of thing I need. I need to know I'm capable of feeling things on this level. When post-con hits, it takes a long time for me to come to grips with it. To settle on the fact that it's over. It's cruel, like you're playing a prank on your brain. It's hard to comprehend and accept that. However one must, as the practicalities of life rear their ugly heads eventually. One wishes a con could go on forever, but also one knows that if it did, it would lose it's impact. Two edges of the same sword, two sides of the same coin- it's a struggle, and one that I face after every con.

I know I am rambling here and waxing philosophical about something people aren't going to read..but I needed to get my thoughts out here. I'm an emotional mess right now and am writing this through tears. I hope it gives you an idea of how I feel,what this means to me, and why I feel everyone should embrace the fandom as much as they are comfortable doing so. I'll most likely come back and polish this up when I can..but if you took the time to read this, then thank you, truly. You are all beautiful people, and you mean so much to me. It was good to come home again. <3