So I am now the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

I took a look at my last few birthday journals before writing this. I am quite fond of what I wrote for my 41st birthday and I won't try to replicate it (go see it here http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/8402940/ ).

Pardon me while I share a few distracted and disjointed thoughts as I reach another marker in my life.

Angie has started Kindergarten and really loves school. I cannot believe it's already here. She loved her first ride on the school bus. Last Friday I got to wait with her for the bus to arrive. It was wonderful to see her joy. Even when we found a dead butterfly in our driveway, she was so full of joy and delight, and carefully carried the butterfly to a nearby flower so it wouldn't get crushed. She checked on it a few times over the weekend too to make sure it was still there.

We had a fantastic vacation this Summer, but given that I had to buy a new car we definitely won't be doing anything like it next year. Angie loved doing the Zipline and really wants to do it again. I'm finally back at a Chiropractor hoping we can get the muscles in my shoulder to stop hurting when I lift my arm after I pulled it so bad on the Zipline!

My wife is finally finding some small success in her realty business as she'll get her second closing next week. Hopefully she'll manage at least one more before the year is out, and twice as many next year.

I've done a bit more reading this year than last, and my writing continues at its current glacial pace. I find that I have little energy for it, though I long to venture back into my story worlds. Some of it is love for the characters and setting and ideas I still have. Some times I just wish I could escape into them as well. But I would never do that; no matter how much of my family I could bring there'd always be somebody I love I'd have to leave behind, or for all those who come with me something I'd force them to leave behind. That's not fair.

My furry participation is still here at times, not as much as I used to, but I'm here still. I've drawn back from RPs which I desperately needed to do. I still need to keep myself from mindlessly browsing when I'm bored.

I've had a Bear side to myself for a very long time and this last year it's really wanted to find a way to express itself. Back in the early days of the Internet I was once a Polar Bear, and when writing for Paradise I made myself a Grizzly Bear, and while both feel good to me, I cannot quite settle myself on either. I've been wondering and pondering if an American Black Bear better fits me since they are the kind of Bear that lives in my area. Bear is important to me; it feels very fatherly and protective for me, gentle but strong. There is a withdrawn quality to the Bear, which suits me very well, in contrast to the constant social activity of the Rat. Anybody who sees me at a convention can see that social Rat in me, but I need the Bear too. I really wish I could settle on the type of Bear that best suits me so I can finally be it too.

And given all that is going on, I really wish I could find the strength of the Bear and not feel I have to hide as a Rat. I confess I'm scared to even say a lot of things anymore, the vitriol and hysteria have grown so intense. People need to stop screaming and start listening and get out of their bubbles and stay out of the mobs. We shall see.

Of course there's also Triceratops which is very much there still and assures me that no matter what happens, something infinitely better lies ahead. And that the common march of each day will bring with it little joys and priceless treasures. My daughter reminds me of that too. Seeing her smiling face and hearing her delighted laugh, and being greeted with an excited hug from her when I get home from work makes every day feel a little like a birthday party.

I'm so scared about so much, but I'm going to keep pressing on, trying to do the best I can for my family. I'm 42 years old now and so I look back at my life, ponder what I've learned, and look ahead to the decades still to come in my life (I hope) I know one thing I still have to learn is a wisdom that comes only from the breadth of time, patience, faith, and hope. "This too shall pass."

The thing that currently has me worried is a pair of lymph nodes under my right jaw which are swollen and hurt. It seems like they came out of nowhere on Tuesday, and since they're not going away it's time to call the doctor. Having some medical issue right around my birthday is getting tiresome, as it seems to happen frequently. I wonder if this isn't just my body fighting off some infection Angie brought home from school, but I don't have any other symptoms while she spent all weekend congested and even had a sore throat a couple of days. I try to keep physical ailments in perspective, but after going through Cancer less than three years ago I'm a little paranoid.

That said, there is so much wonder in this world and so many reasons for hope and joy. We are all blessed in ways we cannot even imagine. Even our sufferings and miseries, and even our fears, can be blessings too. And so always are birthdays!

I know my thoughts are not all celebratory, but I am grateful, and there is much to be grateful for. I hope with my next birthday my thoughts can be better settled and I can post about all the happy things I've been up to.

Dominus vobiscum