When you have a dream become a passion, and that passion becomes a career usually it can lead to a happy content lifestyle.

Not my young dreams. I wanted to go on adventure, I wanted to see the expanses I could reach, but after taking a compromise on what I wanted to do I settled with the trucking gig I do now.

When I was in my early 20s I could go the distance and do anything. Now I am constantly bed ridden and losing money left and right. Constant mechanical failures, out of service defects, and stuck with the same piece of crap equipment nearly the entire company wants to never see again.

So as usual the late 20s bloomer is here. His job is astronomically soul crushing, his social needs are far from reality, his overall success separates him from any family, and there are no other options to improve. He squandered every opportunity he had to make his life an enjoyable one. My problems are summed up into three prongs of a stress driven illness that may actually end me.

Loneliness, Health, Finances

Loneliness: My social habits keep me from having friends close by for extended periods of time. Between my own social awkwardness, lack of good social skills, longer nature, and tendency to distance myself because of bad memories, I fail to maintain partners. I cannot afford a pet. I'll admit it I am the last person who should get one.

Health: 2015 I learned I had diabetes type 2. From there it put a heavy weight on my overall well being in a job that is possibly the worst to proceed with such an Illness. I want to stop and become a vehicle technician instead but the money, transport, and helpful info are not there. I already have trade skills in transportation, computers, networking, plumbing, and electical. But none of these pay enough to switch paths.

Finances, I won't sugar coat it, living on the road as unprepared as me is expensive. Food can easily out cost my rent at home at a ratio of 2 to 1. Without proper access to groceries my food bills climb easily to 200 per week or 800 a month. I do not own appropriate transportation to haul tour supplies like I used to, and saving for that is already impossible with what I pay to keep from passing out at highway speeds.

I feel like I have already taken too much. I owe a lot of art. But I need help. I don't what to do and simply quitting on my job as things sit is only a death sentence for me. I'm basicly disowned by my family, my ability to pull a loan does not exist, and already when I was at rock bottom I had a family who only pointed and laughed because I was never given the opportunity to be understood. I was given drugs that started attacking my innards, a place that I couldn't afford because the late 2000s were a shitshow, and eventually I found myself as a basic human slave when I lived with bro and a toy to a old high school friend.

There is a driving force that keeps me motivated to live but that force is running out of momentum. I'm failing to see what there is out there for me to find. Maybe it's already behind me. Maybe I like everything else good I'm my life, already took it for granted and inevitably destroyed it. There are so many people who are gone now who were much more influential than me.

But that's the harsh reality of it all. I could be potential unrecognized, or potential wasted. I may never know the outcome for as long as this hell holds the reigns.