Long story short I'm leaving temporarily so I can restore my sanity. I get that the journal I wrote last week was offensive and while I didn't understand it at first I can now see why people would get offended at some of the things I said. However it's worth mentioning that if any other person would've address this to you the public I wouldn't have reacted the way I did. I would've addressed it a bit faster and made a better attempt to fix it. but what people refuse to acknowledge is that me and Doubting Lion have this beef and why else would he post such a journal of mine unless it's to spite me. As a result of the backlash I've felt guilty, depressed and suicidal and even as I brought this up during the debacle people still attack me. So it no longer matters how many apologies I give to you, you'll always feel my apology is half-assed or not good enough as I try to lay down all the facts of the situation. but what bugs me the most and I don't wanna name names because I don't wanna be responsible for anything he does or what people do to him, I never want that on my conscience... but one character choose to band wagon with you guys whom I know personally and had the audacity to say "he thought he knew me as a person" after writting these journals.

Well I'm sorry but all of you are completely in the right about being offended even if I don't agree with how i'm being addressed and attacked about it... this guy on the other hand was legitimately accused of sexual assault and banned from a local con for 2 years because of touching a girl on the breast without concent. even got blocked from going to Canada last year because such women banned together to get him not to cross the border so I can only assume he has a somewhat record because of it, I dunno. It was so bad he legit tried to kill himself at a furmeet by eating a spiked bottle cap sold on bottles of beer and soda. And I stood by this person even tho I was skeptical that he even comitted a crime or not... but no one deserves that level of turmoil. And then life threw him a bone and he was able to get a girlfriend and turn is life around and I couldn't be more then happy for him... and then... this comment he left pulling an absolute 180. So after all you been thru you say what you say to me? Trying to play innocent after I tried to support you and help be one of the few people who care for you and keep you from hurting yourself and you do this to me. I dunno everyone else story but you on the other hand, that was the final straw. I'm glad no one else saw your comment because for 18 months you went thru hell and I was one of the few people who tried to help you that cared and then this :/

So yeah I can apologise 1000 times and some people will accept it, some people it will take time and some people still won't care and just brush it off as a half assed non caring no remorse apology dispite me feeling the total opposite and feeling hella guilty about it and wishing there was a way I could fix this, but there apparently is no way. Some peopel will accept some peopel will not and they just don't care about how I actually feel but at least I'm man enough to address this stuff and man enough to at least try to apologise even if you won't accept. but being told by an unofficial sex-offender who I thought was my friend that I'm arrogant and wrong etc after all he been thru set me off and as a result I feel I should go.

So I'm gonna take a break from a fandom, hopefully things die down, some people are begruding and will never forgive me despite how I feel, how sorry I truly am about all of this. Some people will still think I'm "Blaming other people" even tho for the 100th time I've taken responsibility for all of this... so It's a constant cycle of me apologizing to people who won't accept it. looking for a "real" apology that I legit don't know if I can give you. Because if you haven't accepted it by now then I can never give you what you're looking for because I just plain don't what I can say that you will go "Oh... oh shit he meant it, good enough for me" Ya know, I don't know how to apologise for something I actually feel sorry about and for because people won't accept it. and after being told by everyone including someone who legit touched boob and got banned from a con for 2 years that I'm a piece of shit kinda does it for me. So I'm gonna take a break, gonna go try to collect my thoughts with some therapy and clean my mind brain and soul and when I come back hopefully things are better because right now things look grim for me and even with my mom trying to enjoy Toronto this past weekend, all this was on my mind and it's made me low key depressed even tho I was trying to hide it this past weekend. I don't blame the fandom for this but I do think the backlash was definitely more then necessary and for that I must go