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Right... so Disidia
16 years ago
Right, so Disidia is out and I picked it up being the massive nerd that I am and quickly realized who this game is for. If you're a fan of fighting games, the good kinds with intricate combos, lots of flashy moves and varied game play from character to character then this is not for you. If you like a game you can sit down and loose hours to without realizing it... well this isn't that game for you either. If you like a game with a coherent and well thought out story that slowly builds up the characters before a climatic and ultimately satisfying end, surprise surprise this isn't the game for you either. Actually that last bit was a bit of a shocker considering this was done by Squarenix, a company that built all of its franchises around story and nothing else.
So I bet you're wondering "Well gee, if the game play is bad and the story is a right ass then why get the game?" First off shut it, second off I'll tell you why. Fanboys. This is purely a game for the fanboys and no one else, except of course fangirls. The only reason why anyone would sit through more than two fights, no, the forced tutorial would be because they are fanboys/fangirls. There is no other logical explanation for it. Okay, let me break this down for you particularly think readers.
Gameplay:
Okay so this is fighter, technically. While most fighting games have a health meter the two mindless gobs whittle away at with attacks and combos Disidia apparently though it was too good for that and completely ignores that established system altogether. Instead characters have "Bravery" and "HP." Mash O to hit their "Bravery" mash Square to nipple tweak their "HP." Now if you've played any video game in the last two decades you probably know what "HP" is and what happens when you hit zero. Now, before you ask there is a reason why you just can just sissy slap them to death: You HP attack is as strong as your current Bravery and once you hit with an HP attack your Bravery goes down to zero. Meaning you're either going to have to alternate between knocking them around with attacks that don't actually hurt them with the occasional hurty attack thrown in just to mess with them, or just wail on them till your bravery is higher than their HP and give them one firm pimp slap.
Every now and again these blue bells appear on screen. Touch it and you'll fill half this meter. Though a second one and your character breaks the game. The spiky haired or massively armored nob on the screen changes in some arbitrary fashion and suddenly goes super sayjin. Attacks bounce helplessly off as you charge, all of your attacks to ludicrous amounts of damage, oh and if you hit the other guy with an HP attack you go into this quick time event that's basically Simon Says. Get it right and you kill them, get it wrong... and you still kill them. What can they do to stop it, not much. Well you can tap O to buff your defense, but it won't help.
As for moving around well there's a whole nother kettle of fish there. D-Pad gets the camera, nub runs you around, X jumps, Triangle does whatever the fuck it feels like. I'm not kidding you when I say that bastard of a button is more out to get you than your opponent. You can press it in midair to rocket towards your opponent by some mysterious force, that is unless you're close to a pole, or a wall, or a ledge, or something looking at you funny. They loaded as many gimmicky tricks into that one button that you never know what the bastard is going to do and what treachery it will whip out next.
Story:
Okay, taking a break from wailing on the limp corpse of gameplay lets tackle the story. Actually that would be a bad choice as attempting to grab onto that would quickly reveal it's made of tissues. While the Final Fantasy games are all about the story, with well thought out characters that interact with each other in charming and memorable ways the Disidia cast seem to just be thrown together arbitrarily. Most of them only hang out because they're a hero or a villain. The only characters that seem to fit well together are Zidain and Bartz since both of them are treasure hunters.
The plot is simple, goddess has heroes, god has villains, god and goddess having tizzy fit, characters fight. That's about it. They try to make it seem important by adding tons of cut scenes and booming narration, but really it's just stupid. The heroes are fighting the villains because that's what heroes and villains do.
Oh, and in story mode it's not a simple "plow through villains in set order." No, you get to play stupid fighting board game. You move your character around this stupid little board game board, fighting weaker "copies" of other characters, till you finally reach the other end and take on an actual character.
So, why would the fanboys buy this? Simple, they're fanboys. You slap a fan favorite's face on a piece of toilet paper and the idiots will buy it.
In summation if you really like Final Fantasies 1-10 and want to see some of the older characters in full 3D with voice actors, get this game. If you're not a fan of the FF series don't bother.
So I bet you're wondering "Well gee, if the game play is bad and the story is a right ass then why get the game?" First off shut it, second off I'll tell you why. Fanboys. This is purely a game for the fanboys and no one else, except of course fangirls. The only reason why anyone would sit through more than two fights, no, the forced tutorial would be because they are fanboys/fangirls. There is no other logical explanation for it. Okay, let me break this down for you particularly think readers.
Gameplay:
Okay so this is fighter, technically. While most fighting games have a health meter the two mindless gobs whittle away at with attacks and combos Disidia apparently though it was too good for that and completely ignores that established system altogether. Instead characters have "Bravery" and "HP." Mash O to hit their "Bravery" mash Square to nipple tweak their "HP." Now if you've played any video game in the last two decades you probably know what "HP" is and what happens when you hit zero. Now, before you ask there is a reason why you just can just sissy slap them to death: You HP attack is as strong as your current Bravery and once you hit with an HP attack your Bravery goes down to zero. Meaning you're either going to have to alternate between knocking them around with attacks that don't actually hurt them with the occasional hurty attack thrown in just to mess with them, or just wail on them till your bravery is higher than their HP and give them one firm pimp slap.
Every now and again these blue bells appear on screen. Touch it and you'll fill half this meter. Though a second one and your character breaks the game. The spiky haired or massively armored nob on the screen changes in some arbitrary fashion and suddenly goes super sayjin. Attacks bounce helplessly off as you charge, all of your attacks to ludicrous amounts of damage, oh and if you hit the other guy with an HP attack you go into this quick time event that's basically Simon Says. Get it right and you kill them, get it wrong... and you still kill them. What can they do to stop it, not much. Well you can tap O to buff your defense, but it won't help.
As for moving around well there's a whole nother kettle of fish there. D-Pad gets the camera, nub runs you around, X jumps, Triangle does whatever the fuck it feels like. I'm not kidding you when I say that bastard of a button is more out to get you than your opponent. You can press it in midair to rocket towards your opponent by some mysterious force, that is unless you're close to a pole, or a wall, or a ledge, or something looking at you funny. They loaded as many gimmicky tricks into that one button that you never know what the bastard is going to do and what treachery it will whip out next.
Story:
Okay, taking a break from wailing on the limp corpse of gameplay lets tackle the story. Actually that would be a bad choice as attempting to grab onto that would quickly reveal it's made of tissues. While the Final Fantasy games are all about the story, with well thought out characters that interact with each other in charming and memorable ways the Disidia cast seem to just be thrown together arbitrarily. Most of them only hang out because they're a hero or a villain. The only characters that seem to fit well together are Zidain and Bartz since both of them are treasure hunters.
The plot is simple, goddess has heroes, god has villains, god and goddess having tizzy fit, characters fight. That's about it. They try to make it seem important by adding tons of cut scenes and booming narration, but really it's just stupid. The heroes are fighting the villains because that's what heroes and villains do.
Oh, and in story mode it's not a simple "plow through villains in set order." No, you get to play stupid fighting board game. You move your character around this stupid little board game board, fighting weaker "copies" of other characters, till you finally reach the other end and take on an actual character.
So, why would the fanboys buy this? Simple, they're fanboys. You slap a fan favorite's face on a piece of toilet paper and the idiots will buy it.
In summation if you really like Final Fantasies 1-10 and want to see some of the older characters in full 3D with voice actors, get this game. If you're not a fan of the FF series don't bother.
*shoves Disidia into the "maybe later" pile*