I was thinking a lot over this weekend when i saw an old wound reopened from over a year ago and how that effected some of the people involved. It made me think about how you go about forgiving folk and moving on.

Life is too short to hold grudges. Being resentful and angry and clinging onto those feeling only holds you back. When i was abused by my first proper daddy figure. When he assaulted me whilst i was deep in little headspace....it messed me up for years and years i dropped off the abdl scene petrified of bumping into him and a friend i trusted like a sister and my mummyfigure....the way they betrayed me just made me so angry and resentful and i felt so lost and confused as to how this had all gone so horribly horribly wrong and what i would do or say should we ever meet again. I was angry, hurt i wanted to see him burn and the thing that upset me most was that I felt these feelings. I had never felt hate up until that point. And i hated that i felt hate. Such pain destroyed me and it took years to build up my faith in people and faith in myself.

But something a severalnyears ago clicked and all that anger about all that stuff kinda went out of me. I realised i was being dumb holding onto all that anger. It was just making me bitter consuming me and just ...i was wasting time dwelling on stuff that was done and over. Whats the point in holding grudges? When instead of feeling bad feelings i could focus on happier stuff.

So in my heart i forgave everything. I know the saying is to forgive and forget, but I'll never forget, but I'll certainly not look back with the same anger and dread that i used to. I dont hate any of them anymore i dont really feel anything for them and if i ever meet those people again i will be courteous but ill never be friends with any of them again.

Moving on... it is kinda cathartic saying "yeah im done dwelling on this stuff. Its over ive got better things to spending my time and thoughts on" it frees up my brain to focus on much nicer stuff.

So if anyones ever done you an injustice that you cant get over, maybe try seeing if you can come to peace about it, if only so you can move on and not think about it anymore cause the more you obsess about something the more angry and bitter youre gonna get and thats just wasting your life away.

This weekend im heading to Stafford....by myself. I am soo nervous and anxious about it and have been for days really. I know its no big deal and I know most people just dont think of this sorta stuff as an issue...but doing stuff by myself out and about....I'm just a bit of a train wreck at this sort of stuff. picking up transport links and generally interacting with the public is just not a strength of mine. But I have to do it. I cant NOT do it because people are counting on me to be there. Ive been feeling sick since Monday just contemplating the trip. Im sure once I am sat here on sunday night back at my computer having successfully navigated the weekend I'll wonder what all the fuss had been about, and i've just got to keep that point in time in focus.

I gotta be brave.

Anyone would think im doing something scary like going to hospital or jury service or travelling overseas or something but actually its puppet related shenanigans where im doing some stuff then sleeping over at one of the other puppet peoples houses. Its all new territory and its all unknown and I think thats where the anxiety lies.

My husband...he is my confidence and my strength and without him im like this completely different other person. Im rubbish without him and I kinda wanna hide but know I cant LOL I suppose this is going to be good for me, doing stuff without him. I cant hide behind him for always. Just gotta be brave.

I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I touched on it quite a long time ago about getting Star some parents and how I was just going to make them up as pretend furs but more and more i've been feeling like I want someone here looking out for me, like mebbe a mummy figure, or maybe a new sibling or nibling or a babysitter even, or someone who will tell me when its time to go to bed or who will give me gold stars when i've been good. I kinda just wanna be looked after for a little bit, I have one very lovely unka who notes me pretty regularly and we play a bit but other than him my notes are a desolate void of just commission stuff

All work and no play makes Star a very mopey kitty...

I also want someone who doesnt already have a horde of other little ones to look after. That sounds very selfish of me doesn't it, but I just want to feel special I guess and when someone has like 40 cubs I just dont think they're going to be able to give me as much attention as perhaps someone who only has 2-3 cubs and worse I just feel like im adding to an already over burdened person no matter how much they try to tell me otherwise. ..gosh that does sound selfish...I'm sorry. I just want someone for me

Or maybe I just need to role play a little. I havent Rped properly in quite a while but Im very picky about the people I roleplay with. They have to be descriptive and articulate it's like writing a couple of paragraphs rather than a sentence per turn. im also not very comfortable roleplaying with underage folk, no offence young people, i never roleplay anything sexual as im married but Id just rather not roleplay any ageplay stuff (non sexual or sexual) with under 18s as it's just not a good idea.

I don't have skype as my laptop isnt really capable of running Sai AND Skype at the same time, I dont have Telegram as I cant seperate my phone contacts out from work/music/furry so I dont want to risk messing those all around. but i do have notes here on FA and I do have a twitter account at toddlergurl that has the Direct message system that kinda works like skype.

So yeah maybe if you wanna get to know me a bit and we can chat and stuff work out if we're compatible friends and then perhaps take it to a family level drop me a note if you think I might be worth bothering with.

I'm just feeling really quite low today, it's kinda stupid but it's Lillians birfday today and thats a really dumb thing to be sad about cause shes dead so I always find it silly when people are like Oooh Lincoln would be 207 today if he was sill alive...cause obviously hes not alive, and so thinking ooh lillian would have been 43 today is stupid cause obviously shes not that old cause she got squidge disease (lillians way of saying snuffed it) But yeah it has been messing my mojo up today and it just sorta makes me wanna get hugs

Do people tag their artwork?!? It was pointed out to me yesterday that if you type the word babyfur into the search bar and look for popular submissions the first 24 images 19 of them are shine pages...sorry 18...one of them is a found page. This leads me to believe that people arent using the tagging system which means theres tonnes of art out there in the mists of FAs servers that i cant find. And wont beable to find easily.

It may seem tedious to tag your artwork when youre submitting it but if you want people to see and find your art thats one of the better ways of getting noticed. It'll also stop me feeling like such a limelight hog which always makes me wanna just go hide.

I was in the pub the other night talking to my friend dave who is in his 70s and is a retired bbc cameraman(well he still does the occasional job for them that he wants to do) anyway hes a super awesome guy and i have a lot of respect and time for him. Me and him were talking about life and seeing opportunities in everything and in enjoying life. He came out with a phrase that i think has really struck a chord in me.

The carrot is more powerful than the stick.

So encouragement and rewards are more effective than harsh words and punishment. Personally i think theres a time and a place for both kinds of motivation but when it comes to things like new artists encouragement is very much the way to go. I know a few artists recently who have downed tools and walked away due to people being harsh and overly critical of their art and its just soo sad to see. You spend years trying to bolster your confidence and get brave enough to post your creations and then someone comes along and just destroys your confidence. I know everyone can do and say whatever they want about anything really but that doesnt mean we HAVE to be so mean sometimes.

I must admit ive never understood the reasons or motivations involved in tearing someone else apart. Or being mean for the sake of being mean. Im kinda glad i dont understand that mentality but it just kinda makes me despair when i see random negativity just for the sake of it. I mean with all the bad things going on in the world cant we just have safe place to hide and be nice to one another

Okay i did this once before and it was pretty fun...comment on this journal (for example you can tell me something about yourself or show me a piece of art that youre proud of or a shoutout about an artist you think i should watch or maybe something you like about something....just something positive about something/someone and i will say something nice about you in return.

Spring is certainly in the air today and more people need more happy feelings and love. Channel your inner hippie. Go hug a friend or tell someone how much they mean to you. Go pick your mum some flowers or make your dad a cup of tea or phone your nan. That person you were meaning to write to...dont put it off anymore.
Whats the phrase...pay it forward.
Theres soo much bleak stuff in the news and the world and we just need gooderer feelings and stuff to focus on

My daddy has been working hard all weekend building fancy tech stuff that i dont understand and late last night he put it down and gave me such a good strong hug that i felt like the luckiest thing in the world.

So yeah if you comment i will try hard to respond

Wassup. Just checkin' in wi' mah homies, foshizzle.....errr okay ive already run out of street stuff.... I'll put a cap in yo' ass? Thats a phrase right? Is that a full on baseball hat kinda cap..IN...someones...donkey? That doesnt seem like a good place to keep things....

Sorry I just have been staring soo long at the computer today something in my brain went *pop*

I've been up since 530am after going to bed at 130am...I dunno why i woke up I just woke up and felt really awake so i came downstairs and finished ten pictures by 10am which is pretty good, sadly none of them are comic pages as im currrently doing a ych thing for cause shes in danger of being evicted if you wanna check out my ych theres unlimited slots http://www.furaffinity.net/view/19478520/

Now with my shameless plugging over. I am going to arcadia this evening which is an agepllay preschool playground thingumy in reading which sounds kinda exciting and hopefully I get a bit of a little fix check it out if you live near reading in the uk and have nothing better to do this evening https://fetlife.com/events/432392

Im also FINALLY going to go see Zootropolis it came out yesterday here in the uk I have been AMAZING at avoiding all spoilers I havent even seen a trailer LOL so I actually dont know what its about or anything I just know theres some little dude that dresses up as an elephant and theres a fox and bunny who become friends. That is literally ALL I know so Im getting to see it on Easter Sunday so IM excited YAY YAY.

Also...Do you know how this time last week I bought a Henry vacuum cleaner and I was worried daddy would tell me off...well He hasnt even noticed its in the house LOL talk about unobservant. I told him there was something new in the house and that it was pretty big and he still hasnt found it even though its in plain sight, like at one point he was stood right beside it having a phonecall. My daddy is sooo silly sometimes.

I also accidentally started watching game of thrones and reading the books too. Im halfway through the second book and just finished the first season. The two are really quite different so im glad im reading them together with the tv series

The ursa major award finalists were named last week neither shine nor found made the cut but truthfully I didnt expect them to...i assume they were nominated because people told me that they had done. But theyre not exactly mainstream pieces of work lol!

To begin with I was a little dissapointed...i always start daydreaming about what could be and all that jazz...but after my initial disappointment I realised I was being totally ridiculous. I mean whats the point in the award anyway...for people to recognise outstanding achievements right? But I already have that. Admittedly not in the form of a recognised award but....every time someone notes me saying how shine has helped them or changed their lives or made them aware of something they never knew existed.....thats the equivilent of a very shiny star on my star chart.

I mean the one of the main reasons for drawing this comic was to prove to people into this kink that they're not alone in the way they feel. Page 130 and 132...the outpouring of support and notes with people saying "omg thats exactly how i feel" surly is proof enough that no one here is alone. Not really. No one has to struggle through things by themselves if they dont want to and knowing that my comic...in some small way has helped highlight these thoughts and feelings is more fullfilling than any silly award would be.

So thank you to those who do write me notes...telling me their own personal stories about how they came to this little niche or even some people who arent into ageplay at all but still read the comic (for a lot of the self doubt and worry and fear spans most kinks really) thank you to everyone who gives me feedback and encouragement and just...inspiration to keep writing. The comic is never gonna win awards but its rewarding in its own sense just being able to create it and to help people.

I just purchased a hoover! ...vacuum cleaner. to hoover the house. Thats like a really useful utensil for doing housework. Although it was very much an impulse buy and I think i'm gonna get told off for buying it because we kinda already have a dyson thingy but I never really liked it and it doesnt really work all that good....and im the only one who does any housework anyway so I should get to use the things I want to use...right?....so I bought a henry cause it has a smiley face and it was on sale.

But now I feel like my mum, cause I've just gotten excited about having a new hoover and thats a very middle age/grown up thing to be excited about...I feel conflicted LOL...did I mention it has a smiley face?

When do you actually officially call yourself a grown up anyway? Is it when you move out of your parents house? get a job? get a mortage? get kids? get married? get a car? What is the tipping point at which you can say...yep i've levelled up to grown up status.....probably when you get excited about buying a hoover.

Gosh even on my wedding day I felt like I was playing dress up in grown up clothes, even passing my driving test and sat in the mortgage bank reviewing thing I felt like it was all me just playing pretend. I dont think Ive ever really felt like a proper grown up....until i impulse bought a vacuum cleaner.

Its all downhill from here people. i'm doomed...save yourselves.

Thats a big number huh, thats pretty much how many pageviews this account just hit and I just so happened to catch the number at the right moment to see the 500,000. I can't believe in less than two years that number has racked up so big

Thankyoo for all the support and help and just general awesomeness that is FA and this community, I know there are a few individuals who give the rest of the community a bad name but overall I've never been part of such a lovely place and life is amazing because of this place and well...yeah thanks a bunch.... LOL gosh thanks a bunch sounds sooo freakin sarcastic...
Cheers? mebbe?
I remember when I hit 10,000 page views I drew a pic of Star saying thanks. I probably should draw something for the 500k views but i'm currently running on blank inspiration....

If anyone has an idea on what i should draw for the 500k make a suggestion and if I see something that looks like fun, i'll draw it over the weekend at some point...right now though...back to shine....

So walking to work this morning i almost stepped in dogpoo..ewww...but my foot missed by an inch or two and my immediate thought in a robotic voice popped into my head and said "poo detection and avoidance system operational"
I then spent the rest of the walk to work wondering where that even came from. Sometimes my brain just does random junk like that and takes me by surprise. Is that normal??? Someone tell me thats normal okay?
Other people deal with random stuff too right?
Also i was talking in chat last night but realised i hadnt posted this very short dream i had 2 nights ago where me and daddy were in a fancy restaurant eating a meal and he suddenly came round to my side of the table picked me up hoisted me onto his hip and then flagged down a waitress and asked her where the baby changing facilities were indicating i needed changing.
I literally woke up blushing lol. And because it was a dream it was like it was real which has had me feeling all blushy for a few days.

Its really odd i really dont dream of abdl stuff very often at all so its odd ive had 2 diaper related dreams in the same week. Long may they continue theyre giving me lots of happy feelings

Nope sorry...not today. My high horse ran off...i dont think it likes me...my soap box got packed away so I have nothing to clamber on...I have nothing to rant or whine about. I could probably come up with something if I tried hard but i've been looking thru my journals and this year must be the year of the ranty sqynx or something cause gosh do i spout a lot of junk a lot of the time. I do come off as over opinionated and pretentious a lot and truthfully in real life i actually am quite quiet and not really that confrontational or agressive as some of my journals have been coming across recently.

Truthfully I just want a quiet life. Im just in pursuit of happiness and contentment but when i see other people being stepped on or something i see as wrong I just have to wade in. I know im over optimistic sometimes unrealistically so and it would be worth my while to try and strike up a balance between optimism and reality....part of me wonders if part of my problem there is my little side getting in the way thinking most problems can be fixed with a bandaid and a kiss better. *shrugs*

Life isnt that simple. Even if i wish it was.

So if ive ever said anything that upset you or made you think "gosh that girl is a pretentious prick...".....im sorry. I get carried away sometimes and well quite often its uncalled for. You dont have to agree with everything or anything I say. We all have free will, but i do hope that even if our opinions are different that shouldnt indicate that we cant be friends.

I think i need proper little time. Like proper proper little time. Hugs and bottles and cartoons and bedtime stories....maybe a bubblebath.....gosh that would be amazing. I I think my little side has been running on fumes for so long that i kinda forgot what it feels like to be proper vulnerable and responsibility free.

A few months ago a babyfur artist i really liked made a comment to me about how the whole fetish was disgusting and abhorrent and ever since then it got me thinking quite a bit. I had been hoping to commission this artist for art of my characters but knowing that whilst they drew the subject matter they actually had a negative view of it really made me decide to not commission them.

I understand that people need money and some artists are doing their art as their only source of income. But i dont understand the mentality of...if youre doing something you dont like, take the money, do the art, and then tear the subject matter apart in the artist comment section. That just seems really disrespectful and sorta dishonest and certainly unprofessional I dunno...

I would feel mortified if someone worked on art of my character and they hated drawing it. I would just feel really kinda upset and dirty with myself that my character had caused them distress even as the artist pocketted my money.

Its why i will never work on something i dont feel love and passionate about. Ive turned down a lot of commissions over the years because i just didnt feel like i would be the right artist to provide what was beibg asked. If i turn down a commission i often list off a bunch of artists that i think would be better at it than me. If i cant throw my heart into a project....i just cant do it. But would i be like that if i had mounting bills and mouths to feed???

I also discovered another well known artist being really quite vile to a budding artist about their work which really turned me off from that person.
Constructive criticisms are all well and good but these were just harsh words that werent asked for or needed. One artist putting down another is just really quite disgusting. We all had to start from somewhere and in the beginning peoples confidence in their work is really fragile. It just reminds me of my parents tearing my art apart 20 or so years ago and me just not picking up a pen afterwards for like 10 years due to my self esteem in art being in pieces.

Basically this whole journal can just be summerised with that very well known saying
"If you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all"

The journal I wrote yesterday, the outpouring of support really helped me. Thank you. Thank you so very very very much. I learnt some things yesterday. I had a very long very in depth conversation with my husband last night about all of this. he doesn't like seeing me so stressed and upset and a number of other people noted me and said similar things about Blocking those people who are just draining me. Those who suck every last drop out of me and then continue to ask for more, those who seemingly do nothing but take take take and never give me anything in return be it comments/faves/notes/support...nothing, yet they'll often be some of the first people to respond to free art journals and raffles. Fa family members I never hear from unless they need something but never seem to be here when I need them.

My husband told me I need to block these people he also told me I need to switch off notes for a while or stop responding to messages.

Truthfully i'm not really back to being myself, i'm emotionally exhausted and I dread to think what my blood pressure is at the moment.

But I cant switch off notes or stop responding to messages cause...well...thats kinda part of what im all about. I like being social here its practically the only place I AM social, I like chatting to people and having note exchanges and whilst things have been getting on top of me, this place is still home. Blockig people proper gets me stressed out, there have been a couple of people I have come so so so very close to blocking but then i get all anxious and nervous so i chicken out. LOL. Im such a scaredy cat.

I love the majority of people here and well...I think my main issue is just trying to work out a way to carry on doing what im doing but not get so overwhelmed by the expectations of other people.

Currently i dont really know how to do that, but my husband is correct that I need to do something soon. he pointed out I have 5000 people here watching me in less than 2 years of running this account, in another 2 years it could be higher than that and then how do I juggle my time? I want to share me with everyone, I want to help everyone who needs help...but I'm going to have to be realistic at some point and understand that im just one person. I cant save the world I cant fix everyones problems because ultimately its destroying me...but I dont want to be uncaring and evil cause thats just not me either.

I havent worked out a plan yet. I need to work stuff out..I dont even know where to begin. Im just gonna keep drawing and hopefully eventually some magic plan will pop into my head.

Also randomly last night I had a baby dream. I hardly ever have dreams where im padded but I was competing in some wierd gameshow where one of the games was about how quick someone could diaper me. So I was running around struggling and trying to avoid being caught and diapered and suddenly i was rugby tackled to the ground and this guy knelt on my chest pinning me to the floor very painfully and aggressively and managed to diaper me. What I hadnt realised was that there was some wierd timer ticking away which stopped at like 956 or something like that. And so because I had lost the game because I was caught and diapered that number became the amount of days I would be treated like a baby. So the announcer was saying "so you're going to be babied for six and a half years" But I worked out that actually it was less than 3 years so I was trying to tell them they had made a calculation error but everyone was pretending they couldnt understand me cause I was now effectively just a helpless little baby. I remember feeling very frustrated and humiliated and was hating it but loving it at the same time. Then my alarm work me up LOL

I burnt out last night. Finally hit my limit and transformed from a fairly composed dedicated determined woman into a gibbering blubbering wreck. Gosh i cant remember the last time i cried that much or that hard. Poor daddy was shocked he was just speechless, holding me as i sobbed into him. I dont know what was the straw that broke me, the people noting me demanding free things or telling me to draw comic pages faster, feeling helpless that i cant help someone who needs help, the fact that its lillians 1 year anniversary of committing suicide around now (they don't know her exact day of death though she was found on the 13th) so theres lots of pics of her on facebook and talks on forums about her, which is super important to do but equally upsetting , or just the realisation that ive gotten too big for my britches. Theres too many people expecting things from me and you know the saying the bigger they are the harder they fall...im just petrified of not living up to expectations. Of letting people down and those fears have all just piled on top of me and compounded and compressed until ive just reached the limit for as much as i can take.

People often note me saying "gosh youre so lucky you have all these watchers, i wish I was as popular as you, everyone knows who you are, youre one of the most famous babyfur artists....youre my hero....

The thing with the hidden camera filming thing finally hammered home that for some people im not just a girl anymore im some weird collectable. Someone to know so that others have leverage over those who dont know me. Its made me wary and scared and stressed out in a way ive never experienced before. Who do i trust, who can i trust, who should I trust.

Fame....popularity... its not something to aim for. It puts a lot of pressure on you to deliver and to keep delivering and to be the best that you can be....constantly....and i...i just cant anymore. I never really wanted or expected fame. I just wanted to share what i do with likeminded people. As the watchers grew i realised i had a platform to promote other people and worthy causes and that made me feel good and made me feel like i was giving back to the community who had given me so much but its all just overwhelmed me.

Im weak and im just a girl who when she steps away from the computer still has to feed the cat or take the trash out. I still have bills to pay and a house to tidy. Im a mess im no one special, someone who failed in exams, dropped out of uni, quit multiple jobs changed her goals and dreams almost as often as she changed her socks. Ive never had a battle plan for life im just taking it as it comes and so far ive been very lucky...but luck has to run out eventually. Im flawed and currently broken...theres really not much to look up to in that other than the fact that im too stubborn or stupid to give up and so just keep moving forward. Thats what we all do. Thats life.

I feel like somewhere along the lines ive lost who i am. I dont know where ive gone but it just feels like the carefree uncomplicated me the real proper little me is missing right now and i need to find a way of centering myself so i can find her again.

I cant right now. Too much to do. But come june i think ill be taking some kind of step back or sabbattical. I just need to work out where im going. What i need to do to strike a balance between this grown up version of me and the little girl who is currently missing and has been for quite some time. I dunno how or when life got so busy and complicated. I just want to be me again.

Im sure I'll be fine, honestly. Im just a bit overwhelmed at the moment and clearly need to make some changes to fix the things. Sorry if im coming across all diva-ish.

Okay so im gonna make some questions up and you get to answer them...you dont haf too. Theres no prizes or right and wrong answers i just want to see what other people say. Answer as many or as few as you like. Theres no rules. You can even tell fibs if you really want to. Also if you're too shy to answer publicly you can always note me.

1. How long have you been a furry?
For me about 5-6 years officially but looking back on my childhood i always had a closer affinity to animals and usedbto doodle squiggles in the margins of my school jotters....gosh the word jotter sounds really nostalgic.

2. How long have you been into ageplay?
Since i was 5-6 years old so almost 30 years

3. Do you think theres a difference between adult babyfurs and adult babies
Nope no difference in my opinion.

4. What do you get out of your ageplay role be that baby or caretaker or someone who is just curious.
For me as a baby i get calm and tranquility in my head. Life is simpler and safer and warmer. Theres no complication and no stress. Nothing sexual goes thru my mind.

When im being an adult ageplayer in a more kinkier sense its all about lack of control and with lack of control comes removal of responsibility. Humiliation and submission are the aim of the game. The two sides of me dont mix.

5. If youre not into ageplay in any sense why are you watching me?
This one dont apply to me doodoo head

6. If you could get yourself fixed to remove the ageplay or even furry side of you would you?
There was a point in time where i really hated myself and would have answered yes in an instant and in fact did go to therapy to get fixed but the therapist told me that the only thing that needed fixing was my want to be fixed. Ive learnt since then that i am who i am and i try to embrace those feelings in me. Its made me a happier person as a result.

7. If you could only have one choice to either be a furry (not a babyfur so giving up all baby stuff) or an ageplayer (which means giving up all furry community stuff) which would you choose?
Thats a hard question. Why would i make that question.... ageplay is a huge part of my life but the furry world has been so influential and my friends are all here. I think i would have to give up the baby stuff though thank goodness thats not gonna happen in real life.

8. Are you happy with who you are? Is there anything you wish you could change.
Probably my teeth. Theyre a bit messed up but theyre healthy just crooked in places. Im not vain enough to go thru with any kind of cosmetic surgery (and i dont believe the nhs deals with cosmetic problems just real problems) I would worry it would change bits of me. Plus im scared of dentists so wouldnt go unless it was something medically wrong. Thats why most photos when im smiling i have my mouth closed. Its probably one of the things im most self conscious about. But generally i like who i am personality wise. I can do and say idiotic stuff but thats just me.

9. If we have ever met, did i meet your expectations? If weve never met would you like to?
There have been times where ive met people ive really looked up to and been really disspointed and in reverse people i was dreading meeting then been plesantly surprised. Ive seen me in the mirror a couple of times...terrifying experience!

10. What are your current goals/battle plan in life
Finish pawpets stuff, work on weightloss and getting fit, finish putting together shine and found to go get published.

11. Do you like/ want hugs?

Yes fankyooo please!!! *hugs*

So I don't have con crud. Huzzah...actually this is the most energized after a con I have ever felt which is good cause i need to do sooo much stuff this week its crazy.

The start of a new month signifies 8 new pages of comic so gotta get started on that tonight. Ctn as its a free comic takes a lower priority than shine and found so once i have a few pages of those two out the way ctn will get an update too..super pinky promise.
Ive got other secret stuff i need to do too. So gotta get stuck in this week but im feeling charged up lots to get on with some good art. Seeing yookey and rex working on their stuff has really inspired me to get working harder on being a better artist. Theyve really stoked my enthusiasm so im really grateful to have met them.

But like with every event i go to afterwards i do a little soul searching. Something happened at the con that wasnt too great where i was in littleish headspace and my husband basically noticed someone secretly filming me without my knowledge or consent. If my husband hadn't noticed i wouldnt have known whatsoever so it was a godsend he was with me. The film was deleted (i hope) but just that act kinda shook me up and left me feeling...betrayed i guess that someone would film me in my most vulnerable state. Im still not entirely sure what the motive or thought process was behind it im sure it was just a thoughtless act but it made me feel quite uncomfortable and will probably make me wary at future parties and events where im in little headspace, which is a shame really but thats the way the cookie crumbles apparantly.

It also made me think that maybe im done with foreign cons for a while. Our trip home was quite disasterous and exhausting and just the stress of travelling is more than i need to deal with for a while.

So im thinking thats it for foreign cons until maybe nfc next year. I might do an american of canadian one again next year but one or the other not both....i dunno its nice to meet lots of people and everything but maybe our next trip will actually be just a real holiday somewhere with me and daddy to just chill out and be together.... these are all just me thinking out loud of course and is subject to change at any given moment kinda like my diapers LOL!!!

Im sat in departures waiting for my plane so thought id say hi.

I loved nfc it was so chilled out and relaxing my panel went really well mainly due to all the lovely people who turned up. I always feel so especially blessed and lucky when i have friends around me and nfc just felt like one huge friend. Moreso even at the overspill hotel where we got on so well with the barstaff that it felt like we had known them for years. On our last night the head barman had gotten me and paul a leaving gift. He got paul a cuddly lion and me a large gemstone cause paul is a lion and im gem lol. That was incredibly unexpected and sweet of them that i was just speechless.
Highlights of my con were getting to spend time with yookey and rexam drawing pictures. They taught me stuff so that was pretty cool, spending a bit of time with teca and lure before the con officially started was super nice. I was kinda nervous they wouldnt like me and that would make drawing shine awkward but it was fine they seemed to like me. I got lots of lure hugs hehe. I got lots of hugs in general which keeps me powered up.
Running my panel i couldnt have done it without my daddy and swede helped me tidy up and everyone who drew stuff got stickers for being well behaved i loved all the stories that everyone created with their art and ive kept all the pictures so i can look through them and remember the panel just like the rainfurrest scribble panel.
Seeing snow was a huge highlight though there wasnt much but way more than what i was expecting and well there was just lots of very lovely people and very nice times had all round really. Lol an 3000sek as my final barbill over the course of the entire con was actually a lot less than i was expecting. So thats a bonus too. So i should be back later this evening and then straight into drawing tomoro after work. Huzzah!!

So daddy is currently sleepin so i thought id drop in a quick note to say hi and that things here in sweden are pretty nice. Everyone here is super lovely and kind and its been brilliant fun meeting people and making new friends and chatting and just generally making stuff up as i go along.

Im running a cubfur scribble session at 430 this afternoon which should prove...interesting and i was asked to do an interviewy thing at 3pm so that too should be interesting and well sweden just feels really friendly and homely and comfortable. It's really very super nice.

The bed at out hotel is the most amazing thing ever and i wanna take it home with me. And the overspill hotel is super duper lovely but i feel bad for them cause theyve been all super excited to be part of nfc and the hotel has been decorated and they have lots of beer in and everything but me and daddy have been the only two people to buy things from the bar so they feel really kinda left out and deflated a bit because they were looking forward to joining in. It makes me wanna stay here lots. To show support lol.

I should be back on sunday night. Hopefully if the plane doesnt crash hehe. Im sure it'll be fine :)

Im flyin in a plane very very early morning 2moro morning to head to nordicfuzzcon
As usual my head is filled up with OMFFFFG FLYINGFLYING GONNADIE!!!!!! and no amounts of trying to be rational and talk myself out of the panicking ever works.

So if i die horribly in a plane crash sorry for dying before shine got finished. That kinda sucks huh. Ahh well in sure you folks are clever enough to work out what was gonna happen. Robots were gonna attack the planet and star with her new found confidence in her adult baby tendancies would fashion a large playpen out of toys to trap the robots and save the planet. Manda and teca would get to work spanking the robots and sending them back to their home planet sorry for what they done whilst lure played with his transformers clueless this was all happening. As rewards for her service to the planet star would get to live out her ab lifestyle for the rest of her life Huzzah the end.

So with the plot now out there in the open im giving you all one last chance to ask me questions so anything goes on this round if youre too shy to ask feel free to note me and well have fun. Hopefully this time 2moro ill be firmly on the ground in stockholm hehe

I also promised i would pimp out who is trying to get commissions to afford some food and bills so if you wanna check them out go for it.

Also is selling some scuba gear and could also use ahug or two so maybe go pet a very lovely puppy

I had some friends stay over last night as their final leg in their uk journey before heading back to america. All three were folk who come from different walks in life. Ones a male little girl who likes to dress at school sort of age. One an AB trans mtf and one an aunty sort of figure whos a guy who likes to dress as female and pass for female in public . Weve been friends....gosh...10 years now....anyway...

They were all telling me about this forum online that has a handy "helpful" checklist on how to be female. So they listed a heap of the checklist. Like wearing blouses using makeup and how to walk, how to shop, how not to drink beer...the list went on and i realised I couldnt check a single one of the checkboxes. ..okay thats a bit of a fib i wear skirts and dresses...sometimes. but the majority of the list i was like..nope...nope....nope....lol

We were all having a good laugh about how I wouldnt pass as female so ive decided to not be female and just be me. Because theres a heap of checkboxes i have that cosmopolitan would faint over. Being me is much easier cause i kinda just make it up as i go along. i would struggle if to be female i was expected to wear makeup daily or do lots of stereotypical girl stuff cause i seriously just wouldnt have a clue. Give me my real ale, violent video games, punk music and gorey movies anyday.

Im assuming the checklist is just a handy guide of things folk might want to consider and not a defining list....thats my hopes at least.

My friends were also telling me about all this drama going on over on fetlife about people being in daddydom relationships and about there were a bunch of folk saying how wrong that kind of relationship is. I missed this drama completely over there and truthfully havent gone looking for it because you know what...

i freakin love my relationship with my husband/daddy. And im not gonna let some random online lynchmob tell me its wrong. Kink shaming.... riles me up quite quickly. Everyone should be free to be who they want so long as its not hurting anyone. Whats the saying...live and let live?

A while back a female punk festival goer was concerned that my husband was patronising me. She thought he was being really controlling and making decisions for me. She voiced her concerns to her best friend who happens to be my ageplay aunty figure and aunty sorta said " dont worry about it sam likes things that way" once it was explained the woman was much happier.and its true i love the way daddy looks out for me and patronises me and it just makes me soo happy...but i understand how to others that might be odd or like think its a kick in the teeth of feminists or whatever....but truthfully its nothing of the sort. Its me and my husband living our lives the way we want to. people can come to whatever conclusions they want about us, and we are both happy to explain should anyone actually come up and ask us about it. All I know is that we are really content and loving life and living it as full of happiness as we can.

And why two people happy in love should be an issue for anyone is what confuses me more. But *shrugs* some people are weird *giggles*

So other that CTN I think I managed to hit teh comic quotas I needed to do this month..which was a bit of a squeeze considering I was off sick for one week then off on holiday the week after so not too shabby really but gosh cutting it fine LOL and the counter gets reset back to zero on tuesday LOL!!

Which is the day I will then be AFK until late sunday night as I will be at Nordicfuzzcon.
Looking at the schedule theres lotsa stuff going on. If people werent aware if you're attending theres a cubfur scribble panel happening on the friday at 430pm thats my little panel thing. its gonna be fun, though clashes SPECTACULARLY with teh furry talent show which is usually one of the things im there for. So maybe ill just give you all crayons and go to the talent show instead LOL....daddy can look after you all.

I kinda screwed up booking flights to sweden and instead of bookinga flight that leaves London at 1030am it arrives in sweden at 1030am which means it leaves london at stupid AM. *groans* I dont do early mornings at it means we're gonna hafta be up at like....430am ARRRGHHH *dies* I got a very helpful email from the SAS airline saying "oh you can rebook and change your flight" and I was like "OMG YAAAY" But what they meant is you can change your flight but we will add £200 to the price for you to do this so errr no not doing that LOL

So yeah wednesday will be tired zombie squig but after that its gonna be scary but ace and mainly scary. its also scary that I only have one free night before we go now so errr...left a LOT of things till the last minute. Its something i'm pretty good at hehe I work best under pressure after all.

((EDIT: OH OH!! If anyone wants to chat to me at nfc, Ill be the odd looking girl probably with a large yellow and green caterpillar, and there will be a strange looking bloke with crazy hair (thats my husband/daddy) Dont be scared to say hi cause im pretty shy but friendly and I like saying hello to folk))

Also thankyoo heaps lotsa people for being my friend, the past week my stress levels have been something I havent really experienced in quite some time to the point I was feeling fairly sick and dizzy lots and im pretty sure thats blood pressure related. im good now (although I think once im back from NFC I kinda hafta stop putting off going to the doctors and go as my right thumb keeps going dead on me like it goes all white and numb and thats prolly not good and I have a sneaky suspicion its drawing related as the bit that keeps randomly going numb is exactly where my tablet pen rests but it happens when im not drawing....*go figure) So yeah once NFC is outta the way im going in for an overhaul LOL...I dont think ive actually been to a doctor in about 5 years LOL.

So there was a beer festival at my local pub...bad plan squynx Baaaaaad plan. Ghost ship, hooky, brakespear, olivers island and honeydew all pretty spiffy beers

So making a bad plan worserer I thought i'd write a journal for anyone who wanted to chat to inebriated squyx thing.

If you wanna ask questions feel free.... Also I bought more sylvanian families after saying I wouldnt. I only bought one and its coming 2moro but its this one pic.twitter.com/aEmQ6yle0g cause I never thought I would ever see a beekeeper as a toy and I was liek..OMFFFFG I NEEEEEED THAT!!! Thats pretty naughty huh but I bought it anyway. I also bought a tumble dryer, but not for me...for my mum cause its mothers day on sunday the 6th and its also her birthday on the same dayy

Also wait wait wait DONT GO!!!!

I learnt something today and wanted to share


Today I learnt that whilst sibling can mean brother or sister, Nibbling can mean nephew or neice. Thats pretty bloomin awesome huh.

So err the whole point of this journal is basically if you wanna ask me...thats JUST me...none of my characters because im too tipsy to evoke then. So yeah although in fairness me and star are fairly similar I just dont have quite so much fluff LOL

Sometimes the air...the sky, just has this feel to it that transports me to two very specific memories.
One sat on teh stone steps of my aunties garden up in the highlands. it was early morning and I must have been about 8-10 years old. It was silent everywhere, just me ad a bottle of bubbles and I blew bubbles and watched them drift towards the garden fence but instead of hitting the fence they would climb up and over it just at the last minute I thought it was magic. The sky so icy blue, the sun shining and there just being the tinest hint of warmth coming from it. I felt so calm and content there.

The other memory of me and my sister being given some money to go to the shops to fetch my Grans sunday newspaper. We were given a little extra to treat ourselves with the spare change. Again I must have been 10ish my sister 8. So we walked the twenty minutes to the shop bought the papers and found a really rubbish kite we could afford with the left over change. We took it home and were so excited to have a kite we put it all together and spent the rest of that sunday morning running back and forth in the field behind my grans house trying to get the kite to fly, but the air was so calm and still, again with the dazzling blue sky and the sun that didnt have much warmth to it. We persevered but the kite never really flew. but Just the pure elated excitement of having a kite was amazing.

I dont know why those memories have been playing on my mind recently, perhaps because I know my gran is really sick it got me to thinking a lot about my childhood and summers spent up in the highlands. About how lucky I was that even though my family had hardly any money, I had soo much wide open space to run around and explore, proper glens and brooks and trees to climb to fire my imagination and fill my lungs with air. Frog hunting and den making and camping and just stuff some kids never get the chance to do.

Me and my husband went up there, revisited my aunts old butt an ben croft a few years back after she passed away. the gentleman who had bought the house kept the outside very much the same, even with the same stone wall outside that had lots of shells imbedded in the bricks that me and my sister helped put in there when I was four. the same vegetable patch and ironmonger workshop attatched to the side.
Inside the gentleman told me he had torn everything out and modernised it, which makes sense I guess. he offered for me to have a look inside but I politely declined. Id rather remember things the way they were. With the smell of over stewed tea and broth. and the silly snake toys that were actually draft excluders that me and my sisters used to play sword fights with.

I miss those days, simpler freer more magical times, but i'm grateful I have such lovely memories I can hold onto.

The next few pages of shine are gonna be a a toy store as we all know. But I need some populating of the toy store.

If you want to have a chance of being in shine. (im actually looking for cubs and adults) please drop me a note titled SHINE CAMEO ADULT or SHINE CAMEO CUB. With a ref and any details that you think would be useful If I pick you (theres no guarantees as Im not sure yet how many folk I need)

But if I pick you Shine cameos are not free.

They cost 20 dollars. (i should point out payment doesnt have to be upfront or anything so long as its within a reasonable timeframe)

So if I pick you I will note you and send you my paypal details. So if you're interested drop me a note okay? I can horde them all away and then pick from them as and when I need them.

********

Also apologies for yesterdays shitfest of a journal, it never occured to me to write some disclaimer or anything excluding certain people from what I was saying I did toy with the idea of deleting the journal but then thought it better to leave it up as a reminder to myself to be more careful with how I word things. People know im not a psychologist or psychiatrist or doctor or professional of any kind, I was just trying to say something uplifting in a bid to help lift myself up as much as anyone else. But it all went a bit wrong really. I wanted to say thankyoo to all the people who noted me with their stories of pulling through against the odds or doing something amazing, the people too scared to write on the public journal for fear of being torn apart. I thought it interesting if a little sad that those with positive stories felt they could only tell me in private.

I'm not really here to be popular, if I say controversial or unpopular things or have views that dont reflect others thats perfectly A-ok. If you think less of me because of my views...thats okay too. thats your choice. if you want to re-educate me, im willing to listen and im willing to debate, thats all what freedom of speech and democracy is about, in fact I love a good debate, although try to keep it friendly yeah? Name calling isn't really called for and attacks on someones personal character isnt really debating any more thats just bullying.

I'm probably gonna say dumb stuff at some point again in the future and upset people again I think that much is inevitable, because I write a lot of junk and say a lot of stuff sometimes I can be quite thoughtless even when I think im not being thoughtless. I try to put a lot of thought behind most of my journals but I get it wrong sometimes, proof that im not some infallible babyfur artist goddess thing that some people believe me to be. Im only human, just like you. So yeah sorry if yesterdays journal upset folk, that was never my intention and i'll try to be even more careful in future of what I write.

Does anyone watch Russell howards good news on tv? I really like him. I know hes a bit of a marmite person where you either really like him or really hate him, but part of that tv show focuses on people who are soo positive and determined. Like soldiers who have had limbs blown off all go trekking up mount kilimanjaro. Or an artist who had her arms amputated learns to paint with her feet and mouth.

Just ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

If youre determined enough about something...if you want it badly enough you can find ways around the obstacles in your way. Its easy to lose focus and heart when there are mountains of problems blocking you from your goals. Sometimes it takes years and a lot of creative/abstract thinking in order to navigate towards your goals. Sometimes you even have to travel backwards in order to go forwards.

I was speaking to someone last night who said that they cant go meet other people into ageplay. They didnt have the money and they were too nervous to go to something like that.
I tried to explain to her that what she meant was wont. Not cant.
Can not signifies that there is no choice in the matter. Shes given up before shes begun. And that thought just really depresses me. Makes me think of my dad for 10 years has barely ventured out of his bedroom.
Its okay to not want to do something. Thats an equally valid choice. But it is a choice. But dont let things like nervousness or fear of the unknown stop you. Heck i certainly wouldnt be writing here if id let things like nervousness get in the way.

Next week im getting on a plane to fly to sweden. To nordicfuzzcon My main thoughts currently being
Ahhhhh planes planes planes aaaaahhhhhhhhh...already im feeling nauseous and nervous about that. Then im panicking about travelling between the airport and hotel....then im super duper worried about whether people will like me or want to talk to me. What if there are mean people there?!?! Will my panel be successful what if something disasterous happens Soo many worries and anxieties already building in me about the whole thing i feel proper stressed....but im still going to go. And hopefully take away some amazing memories and experiences. Im hoping that my fears are all just in my head *hope hope hope*

If you want to do things just work out a plan of action to make them possible.
Its probably not easy but then things worth having rarely are easy to obtain.