Currently posting this from my phone as I can't seem to login from my desktop. Firefox opens the login page well enough, but even after entering my credentials, I can't log in. The button clicks, but nothing happens. It doesn't even seem to be loading. I'm not sure what's wrong.

I guess I should just give in and update my rig. I built the thing back in 2014 and just put off doing any updates. Now it's giving me numerous problems and I'm not sure why. Probably because I'm not doing things that I should.

I did try joining the FA Discord, but I couldn't even chat without verifying my phone number. And when I tried that, it didn't work. I seem to be having problems with my phone for some reason. So, great.

At least I can try to figure out some solution. Maybe I'll ask some people I know. Or get a different browser. But for now, seems I'm stuck using my phone until I get this fixed.

On the plus side, I do have more time for writing now that I'm not distracted. We'll see if I can post it anywhere though. This is all very frustrating.

Heck if I know. Yeah, sorry, probably a clickbait title, but I thought I'd give my thoughts on things.

First off, not really sure how I feel about Dragoneer dying. On the one hand, I don't think the man did anything to me personally. While I do believe he may have unfairly targeted and banned some people (one of them a friend of mine, or at least a close associate), he may not have been fully to blame for that. FA isn't run by just one person after all; it's a team keeping things running. And it's not like I wanna be ungrateful to the guy who made it possible for me to post things here. On the other hand, he's likely done quite a few things that I wouldn't agree with, and maybe some of them were legally and/or morally questionable. So, I'm not really weeping for his loss. Not like I'm gonna go outta my way to harass his surviving friends and family, nor call on others to do so (and the fact I'd have to expressly tell anyone following me not to do so is rather irritating to me; we're supposed to be better than that). I just... don't know if I care that much. Mostly just feel sympathy for those who did care for him and lost him. Heck, I just lost an uncle of mine the other day, and while we weren't close, it still kinda hits hard. Another door closed, like my grandmother last year, another relationship I can't improve or deepen. Also, I can't worsen it either, but y'know... the opportunity is gone. And I think that's what hurts the most for me.

Wurf, I'm rambling. Sorry.

Anyway, I've no idea what's gonna happen to this website. Will it die? I guess that depends on what's actually going on behind the scenes. Some think Dragoneer has mishandled donations and the debt is way more than anyone knew. It's possible. I don't know that he was all on the up-and-up, though it's likely it was more incompetence if it did happen. Some people wanna imagine guys like Dragoneer are some cunning, devious mastermind plotting to skim a bit off the top deliberately. But most furries are pretty much nerds and/or geeks (with the difference arguably having to do with how good their social skills are), so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's possible he just took on more than he could handle and didn't want to tell anyone for various reasons. Not the least because the internet loves drama, even if it's just an exaggeration of the truth.

Still, FA dying rather relies on the belief that what's going on in the background is insurmountable. That there is no way for the website to recover from the loss of Dragoneer and the impending debts the current staff inherited. We really have no way of knowing that one way or the other, not unless the people in charge tell us. And quite frankly, considering how the furry fandom often reacts to stuff like this? I wouldn't blame them for sitting on it and hoping to handle things quietly. Even if that means not warning anyone before shutting things down. And demanding answers from them probably won't convince them to open up. Just saying.

In any case, I'm not sure where I'd go if FA shuts down. In truth, this website doesn't feel like a community to me, as I haven't treated it that way. I do have accounts on other websites, but each have their own problems. And most don't have the same amount of traffic as FA is kind of the World of Warcraft of furry art websites. Everybody wants to kill it and draw in the userbase, but they just can't seem to do it. FA has too much momentum. Not that it's the best website in the world (not really that great for writers, if you ask me), but it's functional enough. And part of me kinda appreciates how old the UI is because it's likely not as resource-intensive on browsers and older computers. Probably could use better functionality on mobile devices (though I could never quite get the log-in to work for me for some reason), but it still works, even if it doesn't have some of the fancy things other websites have. Like a blacklist. Which would be nice if you wanted to avoid seeing scat and/or diaper stuff in your feed when you search, though it would probably require very strict tagging rules. And even then, you'd have the occasional jerk who has to be forced to tag their stuff properly... not to mention you'll have people arguing and nit-picking over every little ruling, especially on the edge cases.

In any case, I expect people will panic the next time FA goes down, even if it's just for maintenance. Not everybody, but enough.

If you're worried about losing stuff on this website, back it up. Got an artist you like that you fear you'll lose touch with? If they haven't posted a journal with it already, go see where else they've got an account where they're posting stuff. Follow them there, or at least keep an eye on them. You might lose a few still, but most should have alternatives. If you've posted stuff here, make sure it's backed up. Especially things you like. That way, if the worst should happen, you'll be able to post it elsewhere when you find a new home.

As for me? I dunno. Not sure I care if FA goes down. Sure, I'd miss out on a lot of stuff (partly due to letting my anxiety over something keep me away for a year, giving me a massive backlog in my inbox), but it'll probably get posted elsewhere, if it hasn't already. Though the more obscure artists and creators I may not be able to find. That'd be a loss. Even if I should probably watch or follow fewer people so I can focus on making my own stuff.

In any case, you can probably find me reliably if you search for me under this name. I don't plan on changing my alias any time soon. Wherever the majority of furries go, I'll probably end up there.

Except Inkbunny. I don't like cub porn and I think it's bad for your mind and soul. Yes, there are ways to avoid it or block it on that site, but remember what I said about some jerk who refuses to tag their stuff? Yeah, it happens. So, if you go there, make sure you follow artists who don't draw or write that stuff, and be careful if you search on that website. You'll run into that stuff sooner or later. Which is a shame, because they have an awesome in-browser reading extension for stories. I had an account there once, but I nuked it, and I don't wish to return. Better to keep your distance, I'd say.

Also, if anyone has tried to contact me on Discord or Telegram and I ignored you, I apologize. I've gotten a bit paranoid about things now and don't really accept friend requests from perfect strangers. You're better off finding me in one of the few servers I'm in and talking to me there first. That way, I can judge what you're like and see if you're friend material. I'd recommend joining the Questor Tales Fans server as it's pretty much my main community on the internet. They've kept me stable and sane through the years, and I really wish I could hang out with them in the real world. Got to do that once and it was great. And I pretty much see them as a good defense if anyone sketchy is trying to get in touch with me. They have my back, and they can help vet people. So, if you tick them off, I know you're probably not friend material.

Wurf, that's enough rambling. Look, if you're worried about this ship going down, make preparations. Don't wait for someone else to tell you to abandon ship. Keep your wits about you and pay attention. Find your favorite artists elsewhere, and ask your friends for contact info if you haven't already. Save anything you fear might be lost and back it up. Look into other websites that might appeal to you. You can do this. It won't be the end of the world, just a massive change.

Good luck, and God speed.

Had an idea for a fanfic, but then realized, over time, that you could take away most of the details to make a decent writing prompt. So here it is:

---

Two rival teams of mercenaries with bad blood get stranded in the same location. They must work together to survive.

---

Feel free to spread this around, but please give me credit if you do. I might try seeding it in other places if I can manage it. Bonus points if you can guess what franchise the fanfic was for based on this, though shouldn't be too hard for anyone who knows me. =P Though if you've seen me post this on Discord already, you're disqualified.

Have fun!

...and it was for a roleplay on a Discord server that probably nobody will ever see besides the small group there. So, I'd like to share it with you.

For context, the two are escaped gladiators with a form of technical immortality. They spent a lot of time dying over and over for the entertainment of depraved fans, and don't miss it. But they had to deal with some pirates trying to kidnap a couple VIPs they'd signed up to protect, and "Kitty" doesn't like killing, even if he's good at it. And it turns out going catatonic during a fight just makes him far more ruthless.

But most people can't go through something like that and not be traumatized. And some people handle it less well than others...

---

Sometime during the twelve hour wait...

Two figures were asleep in the guest room aboard the Thicket. However, one of them began to move, mumbling under his breath.

"No... please... I didn't mean it... didn't want..."

Bunny stirs, her body struggling to wake up as fast as her mind. The disconnect between the speed of computer circuits and slowness of flesh could be interpreted as being "groggy", though in a quite different fashion. Yet in time, her body responds, her ears twitching first as the feline in her embrace begins to struggle.

She sighs. She really should've expected this.

Carefully, she removes her legs from his, bringing them up between them, trying not to startle the little bundle of reflexes. It takes longer than she likes, but he's starting to shred the sheets, and she doesn't want to risk getting the same treatment. But finally, she has her feet in position...

...and shoves.

There's a startled yelp as he hits the floor with a thud, claws and tail flying as his body attempts to grab purchase of something. He manages part of the mattress, but it wasn't enough to halt his descent. In an instant, he sits up, ears and eyes alert, scanning the room for hidden threats, his breathing shallow and panicky. He turns and catches her eyes, freezes.

And then blushes hard, grabbing a nearby fur blanket to wrap around himself. Bunny can only smile. They'd been bedmates for so long and yet he still tried to cover his modesty. It was cute, no matter how he protested otherwise. But her smile fades as she sits up and addresses the matter at hand.

"Another nightmare."

Kitty winces and looks away. He nods.

"I wish we could get that fixed. But I'm not sure we can without damaging you. Terrible as that VI is, it's practically your subconscious now. Removing it wouldn't be wise."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it!" he hisses out, tail twitching in agitation. "Damned thing... even when I black out, I can't escape the dreams. The images of what it's... what I've done."

"I know. And I know you're sick of me telling you the same things, so I'll skip that." She slips out of bed, heedless of her own state of undress, pulling him into her embrace. "But we know how to deal with this now. You know how to deal with it."

"It hurts. It always hurts." He rubs at his tear-filled eyes, shivering despite her warmth, his voice starting to break. "I know I need to heal, to... to confess and grieve... but why does it have to hurt?"

"There's no anesthetic for the soul, hun. Not for the synthetic nor the organic, and we've kinda got both. And you know what happens when we try to find one." She snorts and ruffles his head fur. "You do like to preach when we get on the subject."

"Sorry, I..." He gives a small laugh. "I do. But sometimes... I wish it weren't like that."

"We all do, hun. We all do."

Without another word, Bunny summons the spheres out of her backpack, the small group floating overhead like a halo for both of them.

"I think I know what song you need tonight. So sing, Beloved. Raise your broken heart to God, and let me hear your voice."

A soft, slow melody begins to play, an instrumental version of a very old song, carefully preserved for future generations. As the first bars of piano sound out into the room, Kitty opens his mouth and sings lyrics he's sang so many times before, tears falling from his eyes...



---

As I told a friend of mine, writing is easy. Just open a vein and bleed on the page.

Had a bad couple of days anyway. Might as well get some of it out and into prose.

Something struck me just a little while ago: as far as I know, most if not all Cyberpunk stories are set in urban environments. Granted, I'm unsure how well you could stick to the genre if they didn't, but when has something being difficult ever stopped the human race? And when I thought about it further, I realized that the vast majority of fiction is not set in anything like a rural setting. No, I don't think Westerns quite count because those are more of a frontier setting. The difference being that it's like a rural environment, but on the edge or in the middle of unexplored territory. The difference may be slight, but it is there, and I think it's significant.

Which is what led me to composing and posting this journal. I wasn't sure what to call it as it feels more like a challenge than a prompt to me, but there may be little difference between those terms except in tone and difficulty. In any case, I think it could be fun to explore this.

So! Let's set some ground rules and stipulations.

First off, this ain't really a contest, so I can't promise anything if you write a story from this and link it back to me. Sorry if anyone was hoping for a cool prize. Not really happening.

Second, I'd probably take points off if there are Western elements in it, but I might still appreciate it if the story stays out of any major cities or large towns for most of its length. I'd also prefer staying out of the wilderness because I'm looking for settings that have a minimal amount of civilization, but aren't full to bursting of occupants/citizens. Rural doesn't mean nobody lives around the area, just that there ain't a lot of folk to be found. Small towns are fine, though I may throw my drink at you if you mimic Stephen King and put some religious nutjob in the story to serve as an antagonist, or who just makes things worse for no reason other than they might think Jesus loves them the most because... I dunno, reasons. Seriously, King, would it kill you to put a sympathetic Christian in your stories? Good grief...

And third, I'm not restricting you to a genre. Doesn't have to be cyberpunk. There's a lot of genres out there (and TV Tropes has a long list of "Punk" style genres that share similar traits to cyberpunk, but are their own thing), so why should I limit people to just one or two? Granted, I'd prefer stuff that's set more in a sci-fi or fantasy setting of some kind, but people will write whatever they want. Even if it's some fluffy novel set in the timeline next door to ours where things are slightly better but otherwise the same. I don't get the appeal of that, but hey, again, people will write whatever they want.

I'm not really sure how to end this other than to encourage y'all to spread this idea out into the wild. If you're on Tumblr or Discord, share it there. Heck, make your own journal here or on Deviant Art with the same general prompt. You could even copy-paste the text of my journal, though I would prefer if you'd at least give me credit for the words. I could probably take some kind of legal action if you tried to steal my journal entry, so I don't recommend it. Besides, I doubt the reward would be that high.

As for me, I'm gonna go post this link in a few places and see if anyone bites. Take care of yourselves, and God bless.

That's the wrong question. Or perhaps, rather, an incomplete version of it.

The real question is, "Can a bad story be fixed without starting over from scratch?"

Or maybe it's just a question of how much you need to scrap in order to fix it. Which, let's be frank, is the question asked of many a rough draft, whether it's in its first or second form. Maybe even it's third, but one hopes by that point you've ironed out the major issues, which doesn't always happen. How do you think we get the really weird and goofy horror movies that feel like they were slapped together from random footage and the hopes and dreams of the editing team?

Still, whatever kind of media you're working on, it's preferable not to have to dump all the effort you've put into it. If it's still early on and it just isn't working, you don't have much to lose. You could abandon an arc or declare it non-canon if you choose, then move on to much more interesting ideas and stories. But it does require admitting to yourself that, quite frankly, you wasted a lot of your time. Which you can't get back.

If you haven't heard of the Sunk Cost fallacy, go and look it up. It's relevant here.

So, when it comes to fixing a bad story, whether yours or someone else's, it's not really a matter of whether it can be fixed. It's more a question of how much you can change before it becomes another story entirely. Which isn't always a bad thing as that new story may be a lot better than what you'd been working on. But if you want to keep the same story, it becomes a lot harder the more changes you have to make. And depending on how you define things, a good story and a bad story may not be the same thing at all, even if they share the same characters and some basic plot elements. I'm pretty sure you could give a group of fanfic writers the basic framework for a story, complete with plot points and plot twists, and get quite a few widely different stories. Even those that manage to stick to the outline (and let's face it, not everyone is going to do that, even if they want to) will likely take the characters on a far different path. It's just the nature of things.

Thus, fixing a story means changing it into another one, really. As such, it comes back once again to the question of how much has to change.

Those of you who are bright and paying attention may have realized that the answer to that question can be pretty subjective.

Depending on the audience and their tastes (and let's face it, some people have some pretty bad taste in entertainment), fixing a story may require anywhere from very few changes to a massive overhaul of things. Of course, many authors write for themselves first (which probably isn't a bad idea as you wouldn't want an audience of people you hate, now would you? ...stop with the self-loathing, you know what I meant!!), so they'll change things to suit their own tastes, and those of their close friends and family most likely. So, the amount of work involved depends on what their goals are, and what things they consider bad. In some cases though, the amount of work also depends on how lazy the author of the bad story was. Taking the example that inspired this bit of pontificating on my part, High Guardian Spice seems to be a snore fest. Boring. Non-engaging. A waste of time. I've only seen a few clips from a Twitter thread, and it left me bored by proxy. I just had no interest in the characters or their story. The only thing I was interested in was how this "New Magic" was apparently much easier than the "Old Magic", in the sense that there was no apparent cost to it. You just do things and don't pay for it (which I swear, if this is a metaphor for Socialism or something, the writers should be banned from putting pen to paper until they realize There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch). But I rather doubt they explore that at all.

This may be a case where scrapping most of the work may be the best option. If there isn't much to work with in the first place, you might as well strip it down to its bare elements and rework the foundations first. A lack of engaging characters is a big mistake, and it will kill just about any story you make. Maybe other things can make up for it, depending on the media you're using (the Star Wars Prequels at least had some nice eye candy), but the story will suffer if people don't care about the characters. If they don't even want to see them fail or be punished, what the heck are you doing? Boring the readers, that's what! Which means fixing your story will require making the characters the kind people will care about, and engage with. Can't be too hard. Lauren Faust did it with multi-colored ponies, for heaven's sake! Just figure out the core of their personalities and go from there.

Of course, if you do have great characters, that makes things a lot easier. Fanfiction is certainly easier if you've got something to build off of. So is fixing a bad story. The lazier the original author was, the more work it takes to fix. Pretty much the same in nearly any profession, or at least one that has to care about the real world. (Literature Theory Majors and Professors, I'm lookin' at you! And it's not a nice look!) When someone does a lousy job, it takes more work to fix it, and it's often proportional to how lousy their work was. Just turn on the Home & Garden Network if you want some examples. I'm pretty sure most of those reality shows about fixing houses have plenty of cases where the previous contractor did a horrible job, and now it has to be torn up and replaced with better work.

I suppose comparing story work to building houses isn't a bad idea, even if the metaphor falls flat in some places. You do need to build a good foundation in a story, and then follow it up with more good work as you add onto it. And yes, tearing out large parts of a story usually does affect the structure of the rest of it. But at least it doesn't fall on your head while you're knocking out those moldy supports on the first floor.

I'd write more, but I've kinda ran out of steam, so...

In conclusion, don't ask yourself if a bad story can be fixed. It can. The real question is how much work will it take, and is it worth it to keep the original structure more or less intact? Or is it better to tear down the three-story McMansion and build something far more beautiful and/or functional in its place?

The answer will tend to vary from person-to-person and story-to-story. But if you want better stories, it's an important question to ask. And do try to remember that those who rely on fanfiction to fix their crap are being lazy, and you should not emulate them. At least make sure there's something worthwhile to start with. If you put in some effort and care, you'll spend far less time reworking it into something better.

In any case, if you want to fix something, ask yourself how much work it's going to take to satisfy you, and whether it's worth your time. It may not always be the case, and fanfiction usually isn't something you can make money from. Not without an official license. But it can be worth stretching your creative muscles if it keeps you in shape. Keep the momentum rolling and keep writing, no matter what. Moss doesn't gather on the rolling stone, right?

God bless you, and keep up the good work. And don't worry about the bad work. You can always fix it later.

EDIT: Speaking of fixing it later... =P

An associate of mine has pointed out something I hinted at in my Journal but neglected to address outright. Because the even the standard of what is "good" or "bad" can vary itself. Which is part of the fixing process, really. You first need to identify What is bad in a story, and Why it's bad. If it just "feels bad", that's kinda vague and not all that helpful. In that case, it may be that the story just isn't to your tastes. If you can't identify why the story "feels bad" to you, then you probably should not be "fixing" it at all. In fact, one could argue that this is the problem with a lot of mainstream Western comics these days. People trying to "fix" stories that they feel are bad, but which aren't really bad in a more objective sense. And as my associate pointed out, it can be very easy to let one's feelings override one's judgment, leading to an erroneous critique of the work in question.

He himself has seen people blame a particular Trope for the reason a story was "bad". They don't blame the execution of the Trope itself, but rather assume the Trope is the root problem. Which is silly, because Tropes are just ideas or patterns in story telling. They're not really good or bad (although the nature of some will make them less suitable to certain stories or genres, or make a certain take on them difficult to pull off), they're just tools to employ. You don't have to know what they are to use them, necessarily (and it could make your writing worse if you obsess over them), but they are not really bad in and of themselves. Often, it's a problem with the plot or characters that is the real source of "badness" in a story, and not which Tropes they used.

In any case, make sure you give some thought to why and how a story you dislike is bad before you go around fixing it. And remember that just because one part is bad, that doesn't mean the work as a whole is bad. I think at least some of the Progressive writers of the past understood that, and just wanted to make better stories by addressing things they felt older ones left out, or got very wrong. And you can always just start from scratch with your own story. As one button I picked up at a convention years back says, "Criticize by Creating". Sometimes, all you've got to do is make a better story to show why another is bad. But make sure you have a good understanding of how things went wrong first. If nothing else, it will help you know what not to do when you write your own.

I think this one deserves an exception.



Made me tear up. A powerful reminder of how once... if only once... a simple holiday stopped a war dead in its tracks.

This is the power of Christmas. Of Christianity. The hope of nations, of every tribe and tongue...

The hope that one day... it will all end. War. Disease. Poverty. Hatred. That the evil that lives inside us will be ripped away and destroyed. That one day...

One day... we will all be Brothers and Sisters...

One day...


.....we will all be Friends. Forever.


God bless you. And whether you celebrate Halloween or not... may the Hope that can stop bullets and bombs for a single day... alight in your heart and soothe your weary soul.

I feel I should elaborate on my previous journal and maybe clarify things a bit. Though if you're expecting an apology, this ain't it. And you probably won't get one until I'm convinced I've actually wronged you in some way. Even then, if you get "triggered" by my opinions, you need thicker skin. Because I'm one of the least offensive and ornery people around. If you encounter someone meaner than me, you'll get eaten alive. At the very least, pick your battles. It may not be worth your time and energy to respond to this journal.

I suppose I should start by making a very important distinction. One that David Lillie of Dreamkeepers already made.

There's a bit of a difference between those who enjoy the concept of talking animals, what you might call the "Furry Meta-Genre", and those who enjoy the more social and even sexual aspects of the fandom in general. There is some overlap between these two, but they're not necessarily the same thing. You could call them both "furries" and be technically correct. However, the "Lifestylers" as Lillie calls them don't always really care for the Meta-Genre itself. After all, there are those novels that Uncle Kage calls "Zipperbacks", I believe, which means "furry" stories where you could replace everyone with humans and not really change much of anything. Anyone who prefers something like that over stories about "fuzzy aliens" or stuff with actual lore probably is a Lifestyler. Granted, that's their choice. Even if I or others believe it's wrong somehow, or doesn't meet our standards, they're still free to buy it and enjoy it. So long as it's not my money being spent on it, but that's going into more political waters that aren't relevant here.

The next point I want to make is that there is no direct link between the Furry Meta-Genre itself and either the BDSM or LGBT communities.

No, no, hold your protests for a moment. There is a link, I'll grant you that. But it's more through the actual community of furry fans themselves, several of whom belong to those communities, or at least have some link to their interests. There really is nothing linking the concept of talking animal characters and being into BDSM, or even being one of several sexual identities. Mostly, it's a matter of people liking both, or feeling that they belong to both communities (often all three, if we're getting technical on the number of groups), and not any link between the ideas themselves. About the only thing I can think about is using furries as a metaphor for being gay - or any of the other letters - and facing discrimination or even persecution for what you are. But that's already been done by the X-Men, in a way, and there's nothing that says every furry character has to be anything but straight. Not unless the character decides that for him- or herself. You could fill a book or a comic with completely heterosexual furry characters and it would be just as "furry" as any other piece of media. As long as it's got some kind of anthropomorphic animals in it, does it not count?

Also, I must admit I was a little amused at one person's comment on my previous journal. They seemed offended at me trying to remove any connection between LGBT and furry. The main sticking point seemed to be that I was "declaring someone's identity to be irrelevant".

Well, it is irrelevant.

See, one can be LGBT and not be a furry. Or even into nerdy stuff. Indeed, I'm pretty sure these two were somewhat separate at some point, or at least the furry fandom was composed solely of those who liked the concept of talking animals. Sure, many of them were likely LGBT and no doubt leaned to the Left politically. Yet I think the Lifestylers only came in somewhere around the time of the mid-to-late 1990's, which is also when the fandom really took off. The exact mix may be impossible to know since no census was taken, and surveys of the fandom only started in the 2000's. But in any case, a person's personal identity is, to be quite blunt, irrelevant to the concept of "furry" and how it's used in entertainment. Call yourself a furry if you choose; I won't stop you. And if you'd rather be a Lifestyler sort, okay. I may not like it, but it's impossible to police a fandom around something as nebulous as a concept that can pop up in almost any genre, even if it mostly belongs in fantasy and sci-fi due to its nature. All I can do is choose who I hang out with, and tell people my opinions, as well as what I like and don't like. Even so, I rather doubt one person identifying as a furry - or refusing to - will matter one bit to the concept of talking animal characters, nor any discussions surrounding them.

And if you try to hold "furry" hostage by demanding you be recognized or validated somehow... then you are looking in the wrong place and being a nuisance. Perhaps if you had real validation, a firm grip on your personal identity and who you are as a person, you wouldn't see a lack of representation being a personal attack. After all, it shouldn't be this easy to make people angry, not if they have control of themselves and a solid idea of who they are. This is probably why older people - both myself and those far older than me - don't give a rat's flying ass about stuff like "representation" or not getting enough respect from random strangers. The more you know who you are, the harder it is for people to rile you up, or hurt you.

Of course, it seems that Dragoneer's own comment on my journal may have proven a bit more true than I thought. He insisted it was to represent the artistic creativeness of the fandom, including the rainbow part. Even though the FA icon was only changed to it during Pride Month, or around that time. And we all know that the LGBT community loves using the rainbow as their symbol, enough to make some people sick of feeling like they're shoving their identities in our faces in a childish, petulant attempt to annoy and aggravate us. (And I've no doubt some do that, because LGBT folks don't have a monopoly on jackasses, least not the last time I checked.) So, I think I can be forgiven for assuming it indeed was a gesture to cater to the LGBT during June, and not a symbol of furry creativity.

I don't really have a problem with it now. Even if Dragoneer is being dishonest about the meaning behind it (and that'd be difficult to prove, if not impossible, so I won't argue the point), it does have little connection to anything LGBT. Besides the rainbow coloring, which usually only means something one month out of the year, it really has no obvious connection. If someone outside of the fandom saw the icon now, they might not think much of it. Heck, they might assume it's about art and creativity if you say it's for an art site. Unless they looked it up and saw it was "furry", at which point they might assume it had something to do with Pride. But I think I can live with it. And hey, even if it is in support of LGBT Pride, you can at least say Dragoneer and the people working at Fur Affinity aren't going to take down the rainbow after Pride Month has done. I can respect someone who actually supports it year-round instead of pretending gays and lesbians don't exist as soon as July 1st rolls around.

One more thing before I close out. Some would insist that pup hoods are indeed "furry", but I don't see them that way. They're fetish gear, and while they are a sort of animal costume, they're not the kind I would wear around my nieces and nephews. And I wouldn't want anyone else wearing it around them either. Because it's fetish gear, and you probably had sex in it. And I really think people who believe it's okay to expose kids to that need to be kept as far as possible from any "pudding people" they might want to corrupt. And in any case, I think the connection between that fetish gear and furry is only somewhat recent. Pretty sure it's been around far longer before someone decided to wear one in public at a fur con. Y'know, where there are lots of impressionable minors milling about, with no blinders on, and some without parents. But I digress... I think the BDSM community has had little overlap with the furry fandom, albeit I have not done any research on this at all. My guess is they might have wanted to avoid it in previous years due to the reputation of furries, or at least because it seemed a bit childish and silly from the outside. But that's only speculation, and for all I know they were into it, or at least rubbing elbows with furries, since the 90's. It would probably explain why a lot of furry art suddenly dived into porn territory, a lot of it involving BDSM themes and really unusual kinks. I guess I'd have to research it, or get someone to do it for me, to know for sure.

In any case, I'm sure I'm going to anger some folks. They might even accuse me of "gate-keeping", of trying to define who is or isn't a furry. In truth, I'm only doing that in the sense of pointing out that a great many people in the fandom actually don't seem to care much for the idea of furry so much as the community surrounding it. If that means some people are "not true furries", whatever. Maybe it's true, but good luck enforcing it. The Lifestylers have a lot of social clout, so I find it unlikely they're going away anytime soon. All I can do, all anyone can do, is choose who they hang out with, and maybe nudge some people toward doing more with talking animals than taking their clothes off and mashing their genitals together. Honestly, if there's one thing I can say for the furry fandom, it's that it's pretty much made me bored with human porn. Partly this is because I think furry is practically a fetish for me at this point, so human characters don't elicit the sexual reaction as much. It's also partly because there are those who do want to mix in a little plot with their porn, and the writer in me can't help but admire them for that. It may not be high art, but it's better than mindless raunch. And hey, a bit of humor mixed into your porn can make for some hilarious ideas, even if I can't share them with family or all of my friends.

Even so, I would hope some will understand where I'm coming from: that forcing in elements that don't have a direct connection to furry does not really make it better. We don't really need twenty different retellings of the "Coming of Gay" story, especially when they're all Zipperbacks. At the very least, it's not going to get my money because that's not what I'm here for. And insisting that you can't have one without the other is not only silly, it stifles true creativity.

Don't force your characters to be Not-Straight just because they're furry. And if it's not a porno, BDSM elements shouldn't appear unless they help the story forward. Not to mention all the SFW artists who seem to get ignored because they don't draw anything even remotely sexual. It's practically criminal, and I hate seeing it. I'd like for things to be different in the fandom, to see more creativity and not the same old thing day after day. But I'm only one man, and I'm pretty sure I'll face some kind of backlash for this. Even when you speak the truth, there will always be those who despise it. It's the nature of humanity, after all.

Just be sure to be consistent if you're going to be against toxicity in the fandom. If you get angry at me for this journal yet deny the presence of pedophiles and animal rapists in this community, you are a hypocrite. Or at least, you're someone who I wouldn't trust to run a community, seeing what your standards are. I think the real toxicity is from people who are unforgiving when you do something they don't like, and those who would prey upon the innocent and young within this fandom. If you'll condemn them as well as me, I'll at least give you credit for consistency. If you don't, then I hope you're willing to tolerate me far more than them. I think there are a lot worse people in furry than myself, and I would encourage you to root them out first. Besides, perhaps in the time spent doing that, we'll find a better middle-ground, or at least we can tolerate each other enough to just ignore each other. To each their own, right?

Unless you think tolerance is a one way street that leads to believing exactly as you do. Then we have a problem.

Feel free to give me your thoughts on this. I'll probably just ignore anyone who only wants to accuse and insult me, as I don't really have the time or energy for it. Those who want an actual discussion, please forgive me if I don't reply right away, or even at all. My anxiety disorder makes confrontation difficult at the best of times. I'll do my best to reply as soon as I'm able, and hopefully we'll have a fruitful conversation. Anyone who actively disrupts or becomes hostile will be reported to the mods. I want conversation, not shaming or harassment. If you can't act like an adult, then please don't waste your time throwing a tantrum here. You won't get what you want.

Thank you all for reading, and God bless.

What's this got to do with talking animals?

Discuss below.

I dunno what's going on, but I think something happened.

Oh look, an update! Just as I'm typing this!

What do you think Neer broke this time? =P If it ain't a new hacking technique. The whole "streaming video" thing is kinda weird.

No, this isn't about the guy who saved my bacon. =P Wouldn't tell you even if I had solved it. I respect people's right to give anonymously... even if PayPal tells me their name anyhow. e_e

No, this is about something else that's been puzzling me.

I've been going through the submissions in my inbox, which is currently hovering around 5,000 right now. (I'm clearly watching too many people.) While going through it, I've commented on a few pieces here and there. Except for a couple where I found out, to my utter confusion, that I had been blocked. I had no idea what was going on. I've made some stupid comments in the past, some of which I deeply regret (Impy, if you read this, I'm very sorry, and I'm only too glad I deleted that one), so I couldn't be sure it wasn't that. But if it was, I didn't recall, as the last time I was doing an Inbox dive was a few months ago, and I've forgotten most of what I've said since then, even when people reply to me. The only other possibility I could think of was I'd ended up on someone's political blocklist, as you do these days. But in the end, I was just confused about the whole thing. And I wasn't sure how to handle it as I wasn't sure if sending a note would be counted as an attempt at ban evasion. I thought maybe I could ask an admin, but never got around to it.

Well, just today, I've been going through my inbox again, and I again tried to comment on one of the artist's submissions, having forgotten the whole thing. Once again, I was surprised, and perhaps a bit dismayed, to find I had been blocked. Their stuff is really good, and I wanted to participate in the conversation, but I was denied. So, after sharing this with friends, and getting distracted, I scrolled through their Twitter a bit.

And I found them retweeting a post by a certain infamous individual who is known to be Far Left politically... and a bit of a nutcase.

Finally got my clue! After a quick read of the Tweet, I knew what happened. And the reason the artist blocked me is so stupid, I'm not even mad!

I left a shout on the wrong userpage. That's all!

See, there was this guy who was driving during a protest/riot, and he had a gun pulled on him. The offender had his rifle pointed at the car, or at least seemed to be threatening the driver and his passengers. Fearing for his life, the driver opened fire and hit the offender, then drove off. Said offender later died of his wounds, but everyone on the Left is proclaiming that he was murdered, and that the driver should be lynched or cancelled, or whatever.

This is only relevant because he had an account here on Fur Affinity.

Of course, people shared the account around, both Left and Right (and maybe in-between?), and it quickly got out that this particular FA user was the guy who shot this "protester" during the incident that occurred. Lots of people were leaving shouts on his page, though most of the early ones were Right-Wing furries congratulating him on his actions. I was in one of these chats and went to his page myself. And, like others, I left a shout. What did I post?

"Guys, this account's been dead for years. I don't think he's gonna see any of this."

That's not verbatim, but it's the gist of what I wrote. Was right after another furry's shout congratulating him, but otherwise I thought I was being fairly neutral. I just pointed out the truth of the matter: the guy in question hadn't been on FA for years (not sure that I blame him), so it wasn't likely he'd see any of the praise nor any disparaging comments either. I think he got banned, but I'm not sure, though to be honest it feels more like a formality at this point. Like if my Twitter handle got banned for liking conservative Tweets when I haven't used the darn thing in years. It's unlikely he was coming back, so all this was kinda pointless.

Just like my block is pointless. XD I mean... of all the things to get blocked over! How many others have decided to slap my name on their blocklists because of that shout? It's so ridiculous! I can't even be mad!

Heck, I'm not even gonna unfollow the artist, though it would probably slow the flood in my inbox a little. =P Even if I forget and get reminded of my block, I doubt I'll feel any grudge toward them. No hatred, no frustration. Just amusement at how such a small, insignificant thing can land you on someone's shitlist. XD What are we, fifth graders? I wasn't even trying to support him, so far as I know!

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is laugh at your enemies. =) If nothing else, it's a good source of entertainment.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

WHAT
WHO
WHY
WHAT THE HECK!!

Wurf, okay, calm down... just... wow.

I just... which one of you did this?! Actually, don't tell me. Not in public. I'm just... wurf!

Someone made a big donation to my Ko-Fi account four days ago. I only found out now. And I mean BIG!

PAYING FOR MY RENT AND FOOD FOR A MONTH BIG!!
I NEED TO BUDGET THIS BEFORE I LOSE IT AHHHHHHHHH!!

Sorry. Just... I don't know how to process this! Someone has been so generous to me!

I think I owe them a signed first edition copy of my first book. =P Whenever I actually publish one, that is. Because damn! Thank you!

I think I may celebrate. Maybe get some pizza or something? Well, I should get food anyhow. I'm hungry and this is a wonderful day now!

Thank you, my anonymous benefactor. I owe you big time! Now if I can just get my tail in gear and do something productive for once. I feel so blessed.

RIGHT! GOING NOW! LOVE YOU ALL! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!

Might as well fill people in.

Haven't been doing much beyond watching YouTube lately, though I have started looking into a job again. Probably not gonna make MFF, not unless someone kidnaps me and pays for all my expenses, but if it all works out I'll have income again soon. (If ya weren't aware, yeah, lost my job a year ago. Sucks, but it is what it is.) If nothing else, it'll be nice to be able to afford stuff I want again.

As for writing, I've had some ideas, but haven't worked on them much. I was thinking of opening commissions, this time with far fewer restrictions on content, though I still reserve the right to use a nom de plume if I actually take on any erotica work. And I'd still have veto power when it comes to fetishes, so anyone who wants to pay me to write a story had better keep that in mind.

One idea I've entertained is writing a kind of gladiator tournament. I'm not sure how I'd do it, other than keeping a few guidelines in mind. For one, everyone will have a chance to die, so be prepared to mourn a favorite character or cuss out someone you hate if you get attached to any characters. For another, I don't think I'd make death permanent, so the characters could come back for another tournament. Though there won't be any snuff content, or at least none of the stuff that attracts most of that group. No orgasming after your head's been cut off, sorry. Death will likely be sudden and swift, or at least swift enough that there will be at least one corpse in the arena afterward. Not sure how I'd go about the whole thing, as I'd have to invent characters with various fighting styles, as well as figure out what'd make for the best drama. In any case, it's just an idea.

Another idea would be similar to the above, but I'd just be stealing someone else's premise. Super soldiers engaging in gladiator games, including small battles, in order to advertise them to potential clients. I stumbled across a comic here on FA with that premise, but the creator pretty much didn't have the balls to follow through. Me, if I do this, I'm more than willing to kill any character instead of just playing at it and covering up my ineptitude with blatant fan service. Even if there's precedent for losing a fight by just falling unconscious, it sure feels like a cop-out when you've stated before-hand that it's a battle to the death. You might as well advertise being open for art commissions and then jacking up the price without warning once the customer agrees to pay you. Bit of a jerk move.

(And yeah, that comic probably inspired the other idea as well. It just really bothered me how much they were unwilling to follow through on their stated death match. If you're not comfortable drawing blood and gore, maybe don't make a comic centered around gladiatorial combat.)

That's all for now. Hit me up if ya wanna commission me. I think I might try doing half-a-cent per word, so it should be affordable. And my Kofi is always open if you feel like dropping me a tip for something you enjoyed. Might also consider letting people enter their own characters in the gladiator tournament, provided they understand what they're getting. Though fair warning, I might charge an "entrance fee" if you want to join. And if you do want in, please remember that you may end up dying in the tournament. It's not your modern-day combat sport, even if it's not gonna be a bunch of snuff battles featuring copious amounts of sexual fluids mingling with the blood.

Take care, and God bless you.

Y'know, I've been in this fandom a long time. Started with getting into werewolves, which led to an interest in Darkstalkers after seeing an arcade machine at a local pizza place, which then led me to, after a time, finding "Toonapalooza!" the personal website for Jen "Spunky Wulf" Seng. Wasn't long after that I feel in with some furry groups online, mostly fans of her work joining together on a forum/board for them to chat it up. The rest is a long and somewhat sordid history of me dipping my toes in the edges and staying under the radar, with quite a bit of cybersex along the way.

But it didn't take me long to realize that the conservative and Christian beliefs I'd been raised on, and have kept to for the most part to this day, were not welcome in this fandom. It seemed to be that you could be one or the other and they might give you a little more peace, but those two combined? Not happening. Too many had been burned by self-righteous religious types or bad parenting - often both at once, sad to say - and most of furry swung the opposite way. Neo-Pagans and atheists were more common, and still are, and those who leaned toward right-wing beliefs (in the American sense anyhow) were far less prevalent then those who decried how awful Capitalism was and that Republicans were all jerks.

I have been in this fandom knowing since almost the beginning that my beliefs, political and spiritual, are not welcome. That, in a sense, I'm not welcome. Because, as I've seen over my couple decades among furries, they like to twist you to their way of thinking. Not all of them, but enough to be noticeable, even if most are doing it out of misguided intentions. We won't talk about those doing it in hopes of scoring a new piece of ass to fuck because they're not the focus of this journal.

Well, tonight I got a reminder of that. A reminder that there are people in furry who want me gone, all because I don't think like them, and refuse to.

I was watching a couple videos by this guy who does his best to mess with scammers online, and I got inspired. I had a wicked idea on how to mess with them myself if I ever got a call from one. And I wanted to share it with the local group of furs who live in my area in the Telegram chat we use.

I told them I thought it'd be fun to pretend to be an autistic nerd of some kind, going on and on about some anime convention or something, or his new favorite show, while the scammer is just trying to get him to focus and get his financial information. I thought I'd get a few laughs and a pat on the back for an awesome idea, a way to fight back against those who steal people's money through deceit and threats. Who wouldn't love that?

Instead, I get lectured about using the word "autistic" as a slur, and "perpetuating stereotypes". All because of one adjective in my description.

I don't really feel it was warranted, and being told to take the offending word away miffed me a little. All I was doing was talking about playing a character to mess with scammers and waste their time. I don't think I've ever used "autistic" as a slur - except maybe in that AltFurry chat I was in a while back - and I sure wasn't using it that way here. I wasn't talking about anyone in particular, and even one of the furries who was autistic said he didn't mind it really.

"You don't represent everyone!" came the reply.

"Neither do you," I retorted.

I don't remember all I said, and I'm not sure I even bothered to defend myself or apologize. I had history with at least one of these furs before, a Female-to-Male trans person who seems to be holding a grudge against me. My best guess as to why is because I did a poor job of controlling my hormones and talking about my loneliness and horniness in the general chat. Not my proudest moments, but I did eventually got some sense talked into me and stopped. But apparently I still have to walk on eggshells around them lest I walk into their Social Justice mindset where anything that could offend must be purged.

Suffice to say, things escalated a bit.

After sharing my troubles with another chat that leaned further to the right, I did something that was probably a mistake on my part. It's about the only thing I can think of that I did wrong in that exchange, though I'm not opposed to people from the chat posting screen shots of all that was said. I'll own up to my mistakes. Only way I can improve myself. But yeah, I guess I was feeling a bit spiteful and trolly, so I went back to my post and edited it, removing the word "autistic" from it.

And replaced it with the word "retarded".

I didn't bother to tell them, figuring it'd just lead to more trouble. But someone caught it, and I got lectured at again. Talking about how that was a slur in the "mental health community", whatever that means, and things got pretty heated. I pretty much told them flat out that getting holier-than-thou with me would only result in me thumbing my nose at them.

At which point said person I mentioned before denied being that, before demonstrating my point. You don't get to say you're not a Pharisee and then say how much better you are than me in the same breath. It doesn't work that way.

Soon after, one of the members calls for a stop to the conversation. He wasn't an admin, and it wasn't a demand. Just a suggestion. I was about to post a reply to keep going, but... I remembered being in the Little Tales stream chat, and their rule about calling "bacon" when things got too heated. So, I started talking about bacon. Even as the person I mentioned before, and someone else, continued the previous conversation and called me "garbage" and "disgusting", even going so far as to imply that I'm lonely and unloved because of things like this.

Because, y'know, a Female-to-Male transsexual who's barely out of high school is a perfect judge of good moral character.

In all honesty, I'm not proud of some of the things I said and did. At one point, I did protest that I wasn't using "autistic" as a slur, but they didn't listen. I also might have gotten a bit passive-aggressive, because I don't like when people try to tell me how to live my life. No one has a right to tell me what to say or do, beyond what the law forbids. And until someone points to an actual person that's been hurt by my words or actions, I won't apologize. Even then, that apology is between me and that person, and I'll handle it in private where I don't have to worry about self-righteous jerks judging me for everything I say.

That said, I think I may, to an extent, need to distance myself from furries in general. I've had some fun times with the local group, but I don't have any real close friends there. I'll stay in the chat a little longer to try and talk with people, maybe find some I can trust and hang out with now and then. But I can't see myself staying long term. I don't think they're a good influence on me, and it's been made clear to me that I'm not allowed to question certain things or say certain words. And that one time I got someone putting words in my mouth and misrepresenting me over something I said (Guess who? =D) did not endear me to the group. I simply don't have the energy to defend myself at every turn, and knowing the admins will take the side of the others means that I'll get kicked if I continue to speak my mind. Or just make jokes that offend someone that's easily triggered.

In any case, I wish no ill will toward anyone in the group. A part of me kinda does want those who've judged me unfairly and slandered me to pay for it, but... I don't think it's healthy to hold a grudge. I have too many already, and I must let them go. I don't need to add new ones. So, I'll just pray for them, lifting them up to God, and letting him deal with them. Being in the hands of God is both the safest and most dangerous place to be. So, in a way, it's both a blessing and a curse, depending on how you react to his disruptive nature. I imagine quite a few furries would look God in the face and march right into hell rather than accept his love. Many would run out of abject fear of him. But I pray that at least a remnant will come to know him as he is and have their lives changed for the better. Especially me. Because where I am right now is close to the lowest I've been. It's an improvement over some past moments, but I still don't want to stay here. So, I might as well lift myself up along with the others. Only seems fair.

For now, I'm going to sleep and maybe talk to God about this. I don't talk to him enough, and it shows. Tired of living in sin and misery and having to fight to get anything productive done. At least keeping track of every small good thing I do has helped. I recommend trying it if you haven't, because it will give you a sense of pride you can build upon. It can also help you with self-compassion, accepting that some days you just won't get anything done, but remembering that it's just a hiccup, a bump in the road to self-improvement. And that helps a lot.

May you all be held in the hands of God and know his love. Not as you've been taught or learned, but the deep reality of a God you never knew before, who is desperately in love with you and wants the best for your life. May you meet the real God, to know him better, and find your expectations blown away.

Good night, and God bless.

I got a message from a friend on my list talking about free games. Like an idiot, I clicked it, and tried to link my Steam account to the website to see if it'd recognize that I already have the game I "won" from the site. It even had me go through two-factor authentication.

And now my Steam profile is hacked and I can't get in. Already contacted Steam to get my account back.

If I'm on your friends list, DO NOT CLICK ANY LINKS! Any messages I send are from Russian bots who've stolen my account. Don't do anything! Don't touch it! Report it to Steam immediately! And spread the word! If I got hit, plenty others might've gotten hit too!

Argh! So frustrated! I hope this gets resolved quickly so I can get my account back!

Heard about this new tipping system FA has implemented. Supposed to make it easier to pay money to artists/writers/creators on the site. But I have some reservations.

First of all, FA had a massive leak of notes a while back. A lot of personal stuff was aired, including some pretty scandalous things. While that was years ago, and I don't know of any massive scandals close to that scale since, it does make one pause. True, all you're doing is linking your PayPal to this site, buuuuut... remember how PayPal doesn't like dealing with porn sites? The admins say they've got someone working with them on this, and it might be true. But if you draw porn at all, I'd consider splitting it into a separate account just to be safe. You can have "Shinies" enabled on your SFW account, and leave it off on the porn account. Or you can ignore my advice and take the risk of PayPal shutting you down. I'm not a betting man, even if I don't write erotica or draw porn, so that's strike one.

Second, there are already many ways to support artists that don't require you using FA at all. We all know we use it out of convenience and the sheer momentum it has. It was the first site of its kind to cater toward furry artists, with no limits on what content you can create, save for a few taboos. Some invented due to financial pressure due to a controversial type of furry porn. Even so, is it really worth it to use this system when we have something like Ko-fi already? Far as I can tell, this is just the FA version of that. Which means this is mostly a way to encourage people to stay on FA. Sure, FA gets none of the money donated through their system. But you have to be using their site to use that system, don't you? You don't have to use this site if, say, you have an artist's Ko-fi account, or some other method of supporting them. And if a creator you really like isn't on this site, then you can't support them using "Shinies" at all. Perhaps a minor quibble, yet you do have to ask yourself if there aren't better systems out there already. If you're primarily using FA to post your work anyway, then okay, it might well work out for you. But for some of us, FA is kinda limiting, and I still have my reservations about security as well. Even if they can't hack into your PayPal through it, how long until someone's donations get diverted to another account? Or some scumbag decides to accept donations on artwork they didn't create, but paid for themselves? No system is fool proof, and you can bet the thieves and fraudsters hiding out in the fandom will do their best to find a way to subvert this.

And last... FA has banned people for political opinions in the past. What makes you think they won't pull a YouTube on you and restrict your access to "Shinies" for not denouncing the Nazis hard enough? Or for daring to point out that AntiFa is a terrorist organization that they refuse to crack down on? Perhaps it's my paranoia speaking, yet this feels like another way to keep people in line, another tool they can use against you if you use it. Not that other programs haven't done that, not to mention actual banks and credit card companies. Most of the fandom already leans hard to the Left, and the administration here has demonstrated that it's willing to follow in the footsteps of some of the biggest corporations on the planet, banning users who dare to commit the awful crime of Wrongthink. So, if you decide maybe not all conservatives are jackboot thugs looking to throw transexuals off the rooftops of buildings, you might have to say goodbye to your "Shinies"! Because someone might decide you don't deserve that cashflow.

In any case, I'm not using it. Not until I can be sure it's worth using. And considering I'm a writer, not a visual artist or musician, posting to FA is still a hassle. If they'd just make a change to the programming so you can post whatever file you want and let the viewers read it on site, I'd have more use for this place. As it is, I think I'm better off posting to sites that are cater to writers instead of continuing on art sites. Even SoFurry ain't really doing much for me, and it turns out their site is horrible to try reading on a mobile device. Believe me, I tried. At least FA keeps all the text the same size through the whole document! Even if I have to load it as a text file for it to even show up.

I'll let everyone know where I decide to post my stories when I find a suitable place. Can't afford my own personal site since I'm still unemployed, but I'll make due. As always, you're free to make a donation to help me through this rough patch. Any amount helps, no matter how small. Though yes, I'd prefer dollars to pennies, if you don't mind. =P

As for these "Shinies"? Let's adopt Magneto's strategy: "In chess, the pawns go first." Once the people who've adopted it have found the problems, and/or the security loopholes, maybe then it'll get improved into something better. Or perhaps they'll prove at least some of my fears unfounded and give artists a new source of income. Time will tell. But I have a way to get shinees already, so FA can keep its own to itself.

-TTFN

Yep, I've got a Ko-fi account now! That's the good news anyway. Haven't set up the full profile yet, but at least the preliminary work is done. If you like anything you read in my gallery, feel free to send a bit of cash my way.

https://ko-fi.com/banditringtail

The bad news is that I've been unemployed since October of last year. I used up all my savings and am living on the charity of family. I'm not expecting anyone to pay my bills for me; in fact, I feel obligated to pay my family back in some way. And with how my anxiety disorder is going, I may have to apply for government assistance. Not ideal, but if I lose the apartment, I get to choose between moving back in with my parents and being homeless. Neither really appeals to me, even if my family is leagues better than some jerks out there.

In any case, I could really use a little help right now. I don't know if I could do short story commissions, but I'm at the point where I might have to consider it. But I'd rather work on my own stories and avoid building the wrong audience. Besides, getting paid to write erotica doesn't quite feel right to me.

But nevermind my ramblings. If you can spare a few bucks to buy me a tea now and then, that'd be enough. Might even buy me some pizza if I get enough coming in. No doubt I'll have to deal with the Tax Man next year, but that's a welcome alternative to waiting around doing nothing.

Thank you all for reading and I hope to be posting more soon. Take care of yourselves - that includes you, yes, you there, standing in the corner! - and God bless you all.

I've been thinking over this as of late. I'm not sure if Bandit really fits me, or at least the wolfcoon part. Of course, I'll admit part of this is due to wanting to increase my odds in the dating game. The ratio of males to females in the furry fandom is pretty skewed. From what I remember of the video I watched, it's something like three straight men to one straight woman. As such, the market for boyfriends is pretty well flooded. My chances aren't really good, even if I manage to increase my value in terms of what I can bring into the relationship. Women in the fandom can afford to be picky, and my social skills aren't the best either. So, I might have to look elsewhere, outside my own fandom, as well as improve what I can bring to the relationship.

After all, I don't know if having a furry girlfriend is that important. She does need to be able to tolerate, or better yet support, my geeky interests. Especially my writing career, as I want to publish at least a few books before I die. And it'd be best if we share the same religion and roughly similar political beliefs. (Pro-Choice is pretty much a deal breaker. I can't stand the thought of the mother of my child killing that child, not unless she's got a damn good reason.) But beyond that, all I require is that she's been a woman since birth - no transsexuals, sorry - and at least take care of herself so she doesn't turn into a land whale. There's a line between "more cushion for the pushing" and "24/7 Hutt cosplay", okay?

Anyway, it's made me consider where I might try my luck. There's the anime fandom, but I know little about it, and I still have a love for Western animation. Still, there's a lot of good anime and manga out there, and a lot of cute animal girls out there. But when I got to thinking, I realized there's one fandom, however small it might be, that might be a good fit for me.

Werewolves. I've always had a love for them, one that continues to this day. Hell, it's what got me into furry. Chasing Jon Talbain fanart led me to the work of Jen "Spunky" Seng. My first fursona, short-lived as it was, was a werewolf with winter/ice powers. I'm pretty sure I was pretty cringey, since I was still under 18 at the time. I think I even told my mother once that I'd be a good werewolf, not the evil kind that eats people. But even as I left that behind, that character idea still stuck with me. I'll probably have him show up in a few of my stories. But the fact is that my first love before furry was werewolves. And I think maybe it's time I returned to that. Though I'm unsure what I'll do with Bandit if I make this change. It's not something I want to rush.

Still, I think I could make it work. I just have to make my fursona reflect who I am. Which, considering the image that's popped into my head, is gonna be a pretty amusing oxymoron. I'll have to take time to pray over this and think on what to do. Doubt I'll change my username or account unless it's really necessary. But I might need a new name. I guess we'll see. I'll let y'all know what I decide. I'll be sure to get a proper reference sheet when I finalize the design. Fair warning though, you might see a bit more human art if I do this. After all, werewolves aren't quite the same if there's not a human form. And it'd be my way of thumbing my nose at the misanthropes in the furry fandom. I ain't a therian nor an otherkin. I'm human at heart, and there ain't no shame in that (no matter how often Sid Meier tries to tell you otherwise in his sci-fi games), so no reason to deny that part of me.

Whatever I come up with, I'm sure it'll be interesting. Keep an eye on my galleries; you'll see the results soon enough.

So, in case you didn't know - and unless you're in the right circles, you probably didn't - the administration of FurAffinity has begun a purge of those it deems "a poor match for our community".

https://ququ-media.com/2018/05/15/f.....gnores-antifa/

I wish I was kidding. So long as your name is on the list, which seems very close to the AltFurry blocklist on Twitter, you get banned. And the message given to banned users is so nebulous and vague that there's no clear reason for the ban. At all. Just a "you're not welcome here anymore" and that's it. I imagine they're going to get mass appeals, but unless someone lights a fire under the fandom's collective tails, how much you want to bet any of this gets overturned?

My emotions have rather run the gauntlet here. I've been angry, I've been scared, I've been surprised. But now? Now I have to laugh. Because of this:

https://twitter.com/DramaTactician/.....20490993938432

Eeeeeeyup. The admins of FA are not only instituting a purge of anyone they suspect of being AltRight or AltFurry, they can't even get that part right!

Ye gods, this is why I don't bring up the fandom to normal people, like my family. This is scary and embarrassing on multiple levels, and it's just hard not to wonder what the hell is going through anyone's minds at the top of this crazy place.

I really don't care if this journal gets me banned. Ya fucked up, FA. You might, just might, have the momentum to take the backlash from this and keep going. But I ain't a betting man, and I really have to wonder what your investors will think should you go belly up. Yet somehow, I imagine that'll only be a problem for the users who just want to share furry art, of almost any sort, on your free-to-use website without getting bogged down in politics and unnecessary drama.

I think that others have said it best: the site that will kill FA is FA itself. And this just might do it.

Oh, and side note to end this on: Discord ain't safe. I know. The server is gone. I recommend switching to platforms that are far more secure and will only suspend you for engaging in illegal activities using their platform. Or who may not even do that, if you're paranoid about even opinions becoming illegal. Which it seems some people want it to be.

Keep under the radar, make back-up plans, and don't trust these admins anymore. They've more than shown their true colors.

Got your attention, didn't I? Anyway, if you've got time, sit a bit and read. This is gonna be a long one.

Except you! Yes, you! Get your butt back to work! You think they sign your paychecks for you to stand around and read my crap? Come back when you're on break or off the clock. It'll still be here, I promise.

Now, the title of this journal raises a very important question: why must your RPG characters die? To be clear, I've nothing against any of your characters; indeed I wish them long life and happiness, even if they're just fictional. Unless they're evil, in which case I'd rather they be reformed, incarcerated, or killed outright. Nothing personal either way, I promise. However, I think there's a case to be made for your characters dying. Or at least, having the potential to die, in the middle of a campaign, with little to no warning, and very slim chances of getting resurrected.

"But I don't want my character to die! They're too cool! I love them! And I really don't want to go through the mind-numbing character creation process again!"

All of those are good reasons. Except perhaps the last one, which tells me you may need to play a different system or have your GM keep some templates on hand. But let me show you why the risk of character death is worth it, and why you should include it in any campaign you play in.

Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time, too much really, watching some fan animations of people's favorite moments from a podcast, Critical Roll. The majority of them were hilarious moments, showing the strange and quirky (mis)adventures of their party. But a few were spoilers. And the reason most of them were labeled so was this:

People die in their campaign. Not just their enemies or random NPCs, but player characters. It can be quick and sudden, and even quite unfair. Of course, so far as I know, the unfairness lay with the dice, not their GM. And that, perhaps, was the worst part about it. There was no one to blame. In fact, these animated moments rarely had context, but it felt like many of the deaths were senseless or random. One was from a magical trap that gave no warning. She was alive one moment and gone the next. Later, the barbarian of the group, who's usually a source of hilarious shenanigans, found the party around one who was his dear friend. He kept repeating, "Fix him!" Over and over, he yelled it. But for whatever reason, none of the party could heal the fallen. Silence met the accusations of one whose heart was torn open by loss.

Loss. Yes, that's it. Loss. That's what I'm really after. That's what's missing from many a campaign. Or at least, most of the ones I've played in. And I think that's a mistake.

Loss is a part of life. It's something we have to deal with. And there's no one way to do that, though some are healthier than others. Maybe you lose your faith. Maybe you start to lose yourself in booze or drugs. Maybe you vow to bring them back, or improve yourself to stop it from happening to another friend. Maybe you go mad with grief. Maybe you just don't deal with it and start making bad choices until the party has to force you to sit down and mourn. Maybe you seek revenge or someone to blame. Maybe the party splits because the pain is too great.

Loss hurts. And we don't like pain. But sheltering ourselves from pain doesn't do us any favors. In fact, it can make us weaker. At least in an RPG it's fictional, and even if you care for the character, it's still better than having real people you care for be lost. I can't say that it's good therapy, but it might help you toughen up and learn how to deal with grief properly. And if not, you at least get a richer story when death isn't cheap. Whether it's scrounging up an obscene amount of crushed diamonds or a long campaign that stretches across multiple eras of history, the loss must be real, it must be felt, and it must not be cheapened.

Now, that doesn't mean the loss has to come from death. People can be lost in many, many ways. Maybe your boat capsizes and one or more of the party isn't there when you wash up on shore. Maybe your wizard suffers from an early onset of dementia due to his magic use. Maybe an enemy turns one of the party against the rest, making them treat their old friends like the real bad guys.

Or maybe someone just gets hit by a spell that no one can "fix", and you're miles away from any hope of resurrection.

Remember: it must be real, it must be felt, and it must not be cheap.

As to unfairness, it can be unfair within the context of the story, but must never be unfair due to mechanics. Both the system and the GM must give you a chance to avoid the loss. The only exception would be for the sake of humor, as some systems are meant to be played for laughs instead of drama. Even then, there's usually still a chance, however slim, to escape your doom. To simply kill your character by default, or GM fiat, is almost always a sign you're dealing with a jerk of a GM. Either that or you're the jerk at the table, and you haven't listened to their warnings or anyone's advice on how to be a decent human being. In which case, you may just deserve everyone throwing your character under the bus the first chance they get.

(A word of advice to all GMs: Never be unfair to your players. That's the job of the dice and your players' own stupidity and/or foolishness. Being unfair to your players is a one-way track to having your own Old Man Henderson incident. Such things don't just derail your plot, they plunge it into a deep ravine where it crashes at the bottom in a giant, thermonuclear explosion. You really don't want that.)

To sum up, there is a lot of rich character development you're missing out on if you don't let your characters experience loss. And while you can do this with the death of NPCs, like family or friends of your characters, you might learn something from having to write up a new character to continue the campaign. And the victories will be much sweeter, even if they're still bitter, if you've suffered loss along the way.

Don't avoid loss. Experience it, and learn from it. It will help your character grow, and maybe you as well. If nothing else, maybe you'll finally get the hang of character creation and it won't be such a slog for you anymore.

Unless you're playing a really complex version of GURPS. In which case, you might want to consider switching GMs. Preferably before the heat death of the universe.

I hope I've convinced you to risk a little more in your tabletop campaigns. Feel free to discuss this in the comments below. Be civil and keep an open mind. I'll do my best to do the same.

This con has been a source of some conflict for me for a while now. I have flip-flopped on going over several months now, and most of the blame lies with that old bully Anxiety, a constant companion I really need to kick in the teeth. It's even with me now as I compose this journal. And because of it, I have not budgeted as I should and need to now that I've been living outside my parents' house for almost a year now. I didn't even look at my budget for fear of what it would say. I've made a habit of living a certain way, and it would seem it's more compatible living where I was than where I am now.

Last Friday, I finally looked at my budget and found to my surprise and joy that I had forgotten that I had funds saved up for the con. Quite a large bit too. And I hadn't touched it since a local con last May or June which I was too tired to really enjoy anyway. So, I thought, "Yay! I can afford to go!"

Then I started crunching the numbers, categorizing expenses, and found some less pleasant surprises. The fact of the matter is that I have red glaring at me from my budget. I've spent too much on frivolous things, mostly related to food - an old go-to of mine for dealing with stress - and these debts to myself will mean a lean December. Unless I move money out of other categories and into the ones in the red. I don't think I can even afford groceries next month, or even gas for my car this month! Yet I've already made plans and even promises to people who are going, and I hate to break my word. I like being a man of honor; I don't wish to walk the wrong path.

Now, that being said, that doesn't mean I can't go. Even if I moved all the money out of the Convention category in my budget - which I may have to - I'm willing to bet there are people who would gladly show me charity and pay for most if not all of my expenses. I'd feel a bit like a mooch, but I'd at least be at the con. But the real question of the matter is the one my therapist asked me today.

Am I going to the con to recharge so that I can tackle the anxiety waiting for me when I get back? It is this just an avoidance tactic to escape from reality, to just take a few days to not deal with shit that I need to?

After some prayer with God, I think it's more the latter. Don't get me wrong, I love going to furry conventions. It kinda feels like coming home. And yet, I have to stay afloat. I won't go back to my parents' house, not unless something happens that's beyond my control. And being around crowds is exhausting to me as I'm an introvert. Even if I make time to be alone and recharge, I'm not certain I can get what I need out of the con. Especially with all the political shit that's going on. I know one controversial figure is going there already, and her opposite may be going as well. Though I doubt anything serious will happen - most furries are about as violent as a stoned goldfish - there will probably be some political stuff floating around the con. That kind of tension is the last thing I need. Geekdom is supposed to be about having fun and enjoying a shared interest. Politics tends to destroy fun. I'd rather it be kept out of public and instead be relegated to either con panels or private conversations, and kept civil to boot. But I won't hold my breath for that.

In any case, I think I need this time off. Maybe not for fun, or not just for fun, but for restoration. I won't stay in my apartment, even though I don't think I should go to MFF. I need a place where I can get restoration and the fortitude needed to get through next month. And next year. And I'm not sure I could get that at the con. Yes, I would make memories that would bring me great joy. But there's also a chance I would make memories I would regret. I have not shown enough restraint with my sex drive around at least one local furry, and I regret losing my virginity. I can't afford to keep sleeping with people that I don't really love deep down, that I can't pursue a relationship with. I don't need friends with benefits. I need a wife. And I doubt I'll find one at the con.

I can still go. I have just about everything lined up. I just need to cement the details with my ride and be awake come Thursday morning. But I need to be sure this is the right move. And if it is, how do I handle it?

My Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I beseech you: pray that God will answer me and give me wisdom here. If I don't go to the con, I need some way to recharge my spirit to face the challenges ahead. Or at least a good way to get some extra income to help me stay afloat. I do have a novel to polish up, so maybe time spent on that would help. If nothing else, I'm going to take myself to church and find a quiet place to pray so that I might hear God and know his will.

Whatever happens, whatever I decide, I place my soul in God's hands, and I choose to keep hope alive. So long as I make it into heaven to be by Jesus' side, I can miss a con or two.

To my friends that I made promises to, forgive me. I should not have made them until I knew my finances were secure or not. I still hope to attend, but if not, there is always next year. If I'm not there, then I implore you to enjoy yourselves for me, and to be generous toward others who may need your help more than me.

Adios y vaya con Dios.

Just picked up a couple new favorites on the web. "Slack Wyrm" and "Customer Service Wolf". I have to be careful visiting their sites because they are excellent time wasters and well worth a read. Go have a look!

(No, I'm not posting links, because it's late, I have to be up early, and you don't need to be a master of search engines to find them. =P Just look up the titles and you'll find them.)

I've started a group chat for talking about philosophy and religion on Telegram, which you can find here: https://telegram.me/joinchat/CV0itw.....pNlcEJgKxSM85Q

A few general rules to start with, just until I figure out something better.

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1. Be a good person. - Goes a little further than just "don't be a jerk". While we may end up discussing and disagreeing on the definition of "good person", mostly what this means is that I just want you to strive to be the best person you can be. Not that you'll always manage (we all have our bad days), yet you are encouraged to try. Even that may improve your conduct more than you might imagine.

Conversely, if you're not sure of your mental and emotional health, it may be best to stay out of the chat until you've recovered. This is not a chat for complaining or venting, even though that may help you release some emotional energy you've bottled up. Better to find a kind friend or a family member who will sit down and listen to you for a bit. Venting to a group presents the problem of getting answers you don't like or want to hear, as well as upsetting those who may feel you're just being a whiner.

So please. Be on your best behavior. It will help keep discussion flowing and the chat healthy.

2. Hormel's Law is in effect. - What this means is that we use the codeword "bacon" to avoid flame wars. At any point where the discussion is heating up and there's a clear danger of people getting offended or feelings getting hurt, someone can call "bacon". Once this happens, ALL PREVIOUS DISCUSSION MUST CEASE. Doesn't matter if you had something more to say, doesn't matter if you feel there's a lie left uncorrected, doesn't matter what was going on. You must drop it and either praise bacon (because bacon is awesome, duh), or find something else to talk about. Failure to do so will be met with a warning, followed by a temporary ban if you continue to break the rule. If you can't act like an adult, you can sit outside until you're ready to.

3b. What this rule is not meant to do is stifle discussion. If a topic is making you uncomfortable, you cannot use Hormel's Law to shut it down. We'll be more lenient if you do this, especially by mistake, however repeated attempts will be treated as above. We expect everyone to handle this power responsibly. If you can't, then you probably shouldn't be in this chat. If the current discussion bothers you that much, it would be best to leave temporarily, or focus on another group chat until the discussion is over. You can always ask the group to notify you when the topic has changed; it's likely someone will be happy to do so. (Though those who do make this promise should be honest about it. This is not a group for trolling other members with something that distresses them.) But if you just want this group to cater to any and all whims you have, you'll be banned in short order. This isn't about you. Please don't try to make it that way.

3. No topic is off-limits. - In the interest of promoting free discussion, we feel it best not to limit the kind and number of topics that can be brought up. However, there may be exceptions due to special circumstances. Anything illegal should be handled with care, as once you put it on the internet, it's there forever, and we can't be sure the governments of the world won't decide to come looking for a convenient scapegoat they can use to distract from the real problems. Also, if a particular topic seems to result in heated tempers with no real discussion time after time, the moderators may decide to ban it in order to keep the peace. You're free to discuss it, but not if it's going to tear the group apart and leave people hurt. People's hearts are more important than a single topic, though we won't tolerate those with thin skins who just want to push their agenda or convert others to their beliefs. Just be sure to discuss anything controversial with care, and to keep in mind that others may find your own views distressing, or even repugnant. That does not mean you cannot have meaningful discussion. It's just going to be hard to strap down the part of you that wants to yell at them or call them evil simply for having a different point of view.

Be polite, and do your best to handle each topic with care and respect. And more so the other people in the chat! We don't want people getting hurt in here.

4. Rational thinking is encouraged, if not required. - This may be the most difficult rule as human beings are not, by nature, logical. Even so, you are encouraged to use rational arguments, not emotional ones. Not that we wish to dismiss or discount people's feelings or their concerns. They may have some valid reasons for them, like the "anti-vaxxers" who are just distrustful of the government and big pharma. However, your arguments should be as logical as possible. Even if your premises are untrue, at least make certain that you use them to reach logical conclusions. The creator of the group (That'd be me. =P) has An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments, and will be referring to it from time to time. If you're committing a fallacy, someone should point it out, though with all due respect and civility. This is so that you may correct the error, not so they might dance in glee at your mistake. It will be difficult and hard, more so on those whose beliefs are unpopular or less thought out, but the discussions are meant to help you think and sharpen your mind.

And although sound arguments are preferred (i.e. those that are both true and logical), there may be times where it can be useful to suspend the "true premises" requirement in order to perform a thought experiment or two. After all, starting with the facts does you little good if you go jumping to conclusions or running off into circular thinking. A few hypothetical situations may help us all develop our logical thinking and make us better at arguing our points.

5. Moderator decisions are final. - No whining. No passive-aggressive remarks. No stirring up trouble because you were banned. The mods are here to preserve order and enforce the rules. This means they need to be obeyed. If you have trouble with a particular moderator, or believe they're being unfair, please bring it up privately with another moderator or the group creator. Be sure to have proof to back up your claims as we can't go on your word alone, lest we get into a "he-said, she-said" situation. Refusal to obey the mods or failure to follow their instructions will result in a temporary ban. Further infractions will result in a permanent ban as we do not have the time nor the energy to deal with your nonsense. If you can't respect those in charge, you shouldn't be here.

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That should do for now. More rules will be added as needed, though we hope that won't happen.

Some of you who pay attention may have noticed I'm active on the site again. If you haven't, that's okay. Been kinda under the radar since technically I'm not supposed to be on here. Or online at all. Even so, I think time away has been good for me. I'll be cutting down my watchlist so my inbox doesn't explode every time I take a week off or something. It might get really painful later on when I manage to make myself busy enough that I have to cut it down further. But them's the breaks. There's too much awesome online and I have to be picky if I'm gonna get any work done.

But to answer the question, no, I'm not quite "back" yet. I need to pare down the watch list further, clean out my inbox, and focus on my new job and getting my novel done. The first draft was finished in September, but I've been lazy about going back to it to edit and polish up. Lotta personal stuff going on in my head, and I rarely understand any of it. Rather frustrating. More distractions from where I wanna go and how I wanna live. Life sucks sometimes.

But oh well. I'll just have to adjust the best I can and start fighting back. Somehow. Find people who really, truly care about me, enough to show it, and who won't make demands on me that are unreasonable. Dunno if my family does, but they don't always seem to go out of their way to show me love. And unfortunately, the cold in winter time tends to make me rather less receptive to what I want. Ain't that a kick in the teeth?

I'm carrying on. Always do, somehow. Guess we'll see where I am in a month or so.

Updates for Tuesday, the 28th of July, 2015:

- Why I've Been Quiet
- A Book Synopsis
- On Reputation
- An Apology
- I Disagree
- Further Absence

----

I know I haven't posted or done much in the first half of the year. My apologies for that. I have been in therapy for over two years now, and progress is a bit slow. I guess that's partly my fault; I'll own my mistakes and poor choices. It's just a struggle because I suffer under a powerful belief that I'm worthless or some kind of screw-up. Part of the reason I'm still unemployed. So, it's hard not to blame myself for every crappy thing that happens in my life. Or be easy on my heart when it is my fault.

I'll do what I can to stay in contact and update people on my progress, but please understand if I keep the more intimate details private. I need to share them with people who I can trust not to backstab me, or at least in places where the public can't easily access them. I will make enemies once my writing career takes off, so I have to take precautions. This is nothing personal against anyone here. My closer friends are free to ask for details (provided I'm not tired of repeating myself, which is part of the reason for this journal). Everyone else will just have to settle for what I share in public postings. Part of being a professional, really. Might have to delete past journals if they become a problem.

All my Christian brethren are free to pray for me. Everyone else should stick to well-wishes. Paranoid, perhaps, but I'm not taking chances with a war going on. If you're unsure, just pray that the God of the Bible will speak into my life, whether I want to hear from him or not! I could really use his voice at this time of my life.

----

I'm writing a book! Probably closer to a novella in length, yet it's a book. Here's a synopsis.

Darcy isn't sure she wants to get back into the ring after her disastrous professional debut years ago. But her manager has convinced her to join a tournament being held to demonstrate a new technology meant to help save fighters from injury and death. Within the first fight, her dream of being a champion boxer are rekindled and she becomes eager to come out on top.

But a fighter's life is more than throwing punches, and as the tournament continues, Darcy faces doubt from both without and within. Can she make her dream come true? Or will she succumb to the wounds of her past?

Hope that catches your interest. I've almost got the first draft done, though I kinda fell off the horse for a while. Once it's done, I'll have to begin the long process of rewriting it. I wouldn't expect it to be out until next year, though I'll be doing all I can to bump the release date up. I'll have to throw a party when it's done.

I'm looking forward to having it done! Just gotta keep pushing and I'll be published! Yay!

----

I have a problem.

When I posted my various accounts on a forum, the fact that I'm on Inkbunny raised a few eyebrows. The website has a reputation. It pretty much was started as a response to Fur Affinity banning cub porn, as sort of a place for the "cub lovers" to gather after their exile (which was pretty much self-imposed, 'cause there's more to FA than cub porn), and continue to create and share their particular... fetish.

Can't say I feel that sorry for them. The stuff still gives me the creeps. And the more violent cub porn makes me want to "hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats." Papa Wolf don't take kindly to people who hurt children.

The problem is I need to think of my reputation. Yes, I like Inkbunny's tag system. I rather wish FA would steal and use it. I could block porn and let violent images through (blood and gore don't bother me that much, so long as it's not being sexualized or glorified), which I'm doing on Inkbunny right now. And I can also block things like diapers and violence against cubs in a way that they might as well not exist. It makes life a bit easier.

Yet I don't think I want that guilt by association. Yeah, it's unfair in many ways. I'm not into cub porn or even a lot of cub art (even the clean stuff seems off sometimes), yet how would people know that? Even if they don't assume I'm the sort to create or (ugh!) "enjoy" that stuff, they might assume that I'm okay with it existing. And I'm not. Much as I like not having to see it, it gives me pause. Because this problem isn't limited to Inkbunny or to cub porn. There's a lot in the furry fandom that I'm not okay with. Chief of which is the focus on porn. I know one furry artist made the point in a comic once. Anthropomorphic animals hold so much potential for just about anything; we even have people making races for tabletop RPGs.

And yet the furry fandom seems focused on taking these unique creatures, tearing off their clothes, and then mushing them together in various positions. It's like watching someone do the same with Ken and Barbie dolls, with the occasional superhero action figure thrown in for when they wanna get kinky.

I don't want that associated with my work. It's why I don't post erotica, and why I haven't written any in a long while. I don't want that reputation. Yet if I continue to stick my work on furry sites, am I not inviting people to make assumptions about me? Even if it's just the assumption that I'm okay with everything on that site?

Inkbunny's really the only one that really pushes the issue. At worst, FA doesn't offer filtering through tags, and you get the occasional submission with the wrong rating. SoFurry is geared more toward writers, and it probably has similar problems to FA, though I think they have some tag filtering. And Deviant Art isn't really a "furry" site, though there's plenty you could object to on there as well. But InkBunny is known for cub porn, and that might never go away. And I have to take that into consideration. Even if their in-browser reader is pretty good.

Plus, I can't change these things by myself. I'm too small and inconsequential. Maybe later on my writings, whether it's fiction or essays, I can have the clout to influence the furry fandom toward what I feel is a healthier direction. Right now? Best that I make the right decisions for my career. And I only joined Inkbunny because of someone that I might have been crushing on a bit (even if it was more of a "notice me senpai" kind of crush), and that crush is now dead. I have to think on what I need to do for my career, whether I need to leave Inkbunny or not.

In the end though, I think the real answer is a website of my own. Many authors do this; heck, all my favorites seem to. Except the dead ones, of course (and that's because I haven't gone looking). So, I need to get my own someday soon. It solves the reputation problem as I can control the content on it, and don't have to share room with stuff I find morally reprehensible. Cub porn, rape, snuff, all that stuff, it just won't be there. And while the server I end up on might have some "icky" stuff on it, you won't find it on my site. Not that people will find everything I write or create to be comfortable or enjoyable, but the things I don't want to be associated with will be removed from my work. You'd have to go looking for it to find it, and it won't be right next to my stuff.

So, we'll see. Those following me on Inkbunny, I apologize if I leave you. I have to do what's right for my career. And I don't think that site is something worth fighting for. Maybe if things change, I'll consider returning. Just don't hold your breath.

----

I have done wrong to many people. I have said and done things I should not have. I have left undone or unsaid things that should have been done or said. I have no excuse. I will only reject the blame for the things that are not my fault, whatever that might be. Even so, I know that I have hurt people, and for that I am sorry.

For the people I have seduced and the hearts I've broken, I am sorry.

For the times I have put being right before loving others, I am sorry.

For lashing out in frustration when I lose an argument, I am sorry.

For using my wounds and fears as an excuse not to help my friends, I am sorry.

For my arrogance in times good and bad, I am sorry.

For focusing too much on myself, I am sorry.

For not aiding a Brother or Sister in Christ when they needed me, I am sorry.

For condemning others to hell just becasuse they seem insistent on walking that direction, I am sorry.

For unfair judgment, I am sorry.

For the young men who needed direction I did not give, I am sorry.

For the women I treated more like objects than people, I am sorry.

For trading love for sex, or the reverse, I am sorry.

For being a "Peter Pan" instead of an adult, I am sorry.

For being unkind to myself, I am sorry.

For not believing what God has said to me, I am sorry.

For all I have done wrong, I am sorry.

I hope those I've wronged can forgive me. I pray for the strength to forgive those who've wronged me. And I also pray for the strength to forgive myself. Let God's healing flow into my heart and into those around me. Let me be a true follower of Christ, no matter the cost.

Forgive me, please. I am not perfect. I am wounded. And it will take a while to fix it all.

And I will do my best to treat you the same.

----

"I disagree."

Those are words often used in conversations on controversial matters. Yet in recent years, I've noticed that these words invite the worst accusations from the opposition. It seems a more common occurance when someone disagrees with certain groups on the extreme political left in America. Perhaps my bias is showing, or there's just been a very vocal minority on that side ("Social Justice Warrior" has become a buzz word within the last year), yet that it happens at all is a cause for concern. More so when there's also ad hominem attacks and doxxing being used as dirty tactics to silence opposition.

But there's more than one controversial issue out there, and often more than one or two sides. And just because you get along well with someone doesn't mean they agree with you on everything.

So, let me be clear here: On certain religious and political matters, I will disagree with you. This does not, in fact, make me a horrible person, nor does it mean that I hate or fear a certain group or race. I have come to my beliefs through discussion and careful thought. While I can't claim they are infallible or totally correct, I'm not going to drop them just because someone doesn't like them. I can be stubborn, yes. But I am not beyond correction. Talk to me. Argue with me. If there's anything worth learning from you, I won't fail to remember it, and you might change my views on things. But if you yell at or bully me, you'll only succeed in silencing me, if that. I may just block you and move along.

You do yourself no favor by pushing your beliefs on me. I maintain that I have the right to disagree, regardless of what any court here on earth may say. I won't leave the country and I won't accept your views just because you bully me. If I'm persecuted for what I believe, I will ask God what to stand for and what to let go. Some things are worth the fight. Some are not. And I'm not meant to fight every battle on every issue. I have a purpose, and it's not to kowtow to every man or woman with a stick up their rear. You have no right to define me, unless you are God.

And if you're not God and do it anyway, I will give you into his hands. It seems the only right thing to do.

I disagree. If you don't like that, get over it. I have to do the same with celebrities I like every day.

----

On Thursday, the 30th of July 2015, around 1:00 PM (13:00) Central Time, I will be making a huge change in my life. Suffice to say, I won't have access to internet for a while. How long it will last, I don't know. If you need to contact me, please call or text me. If you don't have my number, you have until the above date and time to acquire it. If I don't give it to you, please trust that I have my reasons and it's not necessarily anything personal. I just prefer people I know and am close to.

It's going to be a big disruption. I may try to stay in contact with my Sunchasers group as I don't want to leave them in the lurch, but otherwise I'm not going to be around. I'm sorry if this causes problems to anyone, but this may be the only way I can beat my addictions and restructure my life into something better. The alternative is to stay in the rut and make half-hearted measures at change. And the longer I permit these behaviors to continue, the greater effect they will have on my character. I don't really want to become a bigger stereotype than I already am.

And who knows? Maybe when I get back, I'll be out of my parents' house, working again, and be that much closer to my dream of being published.

I'll see you all again soon, I hope. God bless and take care of yourselves.