As of a few days ago I started on another break from weed, this time the feeling has been different for me.

This last year I had been on a break till summer (6 months long), when I decided I would give myself the chance to enjoy weed again and see how I felt about it. A few months later and I found myself reaching a point where I was getting both a bit frustrated at myself for how easy it became to use it, but at the same time, I also was finding it more and more dull to the point I wondered why I was even smoking up to start with aside just doing the bit.



I think its for the best, I've realized that it doesn't provide much for me anymore, I could be focusing on the already interesting stuff in my life that I had been neglecting and letting slide.

This is me grabbing the wheel and jerking it back into my own lane in a "Im done." way. Weed made it too easy to become complacent with a lot of things I normally would not be. Toxic work places and people, bad diet and mental health practices.. Those all were enough of a frustration motivator to want to make things change. Gotta have your own back and be able to cheer for yourself even in the rough times.


Will I miss weed? Maybe.. But its lustre has been tarnished and I hope it stays that way frankly. What I have missed more is being the dragon who marched to the beat of his own drum in this nutty world, doing his own thing and being there for the folks who matter <3

The news has been spreading and its awesome to see. While I still am on Twitter I have been lessening my use of it due to *gestures at everything*

If you want to follow this ol red draggo you can find me at https://bsky.app/profile/wingfire.bsky.social

I will be posting everything from my onging artwork to funky tech creations and projects. Perhaps even other fun things like rubber gear pics and various kink chatter ^.=.^

A few things have become impossible to ignore as time goes on in some furry scenes for me..

I have become all too use to seeing social dysfunction and toxic behaviour being normalized in all too many spaces, people who seek out conflict and behave in very pedantic and divisive ways. Folks needing to control or manipulate others, their thoughts and their feelings. People who are so conflict avoidant and image-protective that they will do what they can maintain even a false sense of peace, calm and a good image. Rather opposite ends to socializing that make for a very unfortunate mix when in the same space. I see this happen all too often.. In friend groups, hobby groups, fandoms of all sorts. Without fail it always leads to a withering culture, a lack of diversity, in-groups as well as group think that lead to a lack of social cohesion and even xenophobia.

When you combine this with our current online culture which places high value on optics and reputations over communication and accountability, you end up with spaces that inadvertently enable bad behaviour yet come down on anyone who tries to address it. You run into a narrative that will place the blame on people who have been hurt or wronged all because "it was fine till you said something". Protecting the brand, the image, the reputation is all that matters. It only serves to enable bad behaviour and divisive actions.



I say this all being someone who has struggled with their own issues over the course of their life and has been coming to terms with a lot of them, perhaps it is because of this that I am able to more easily see behaviours and ways of thinking that others perhaps do not or even refuse to. There will always be a reason, a justification or a strongly held belief that people can use to excuse their words or their actions, this is nothing new to our society and it was only a matter of time before the fandom was really hit by it with how large and mainstream it has grown. But at a certain point I feel its appropriate to say "If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and sounds like a duck... its probably a duck" when it comes to the things we see and experience in our spaces rather than find ever further reaching excuses.

One mistake I address in myself is that I often would be too passive and conflict avoidant to a point, bottling a lot of things up till I couldn't. I began really self-medicating with weed to cope with the stresses and loneliness I felt cause of all that. Pushing down the feeling that things were not right and that maybe if I just kept being nice, and giving people chance after chance despite my experiences and gut feelings, maybe I would make it over that hump and things would truly be better.



I have been making a lot of changes in my life the last year and even more so in the last few months. I attribute it as to why I have reached this point. From going to counselling and then later on therapy which I am still doing, to cutting out caffeine cause it made me tense and anxious. As well as cutting out weed cause it was robbing me of everything I was that made me who I am. As I did all this, cracks started to emerge.. I realized that for all those changes, the biggest issue still staring me dead in the face was my social surroundings and the box I had been living in within them, the friendships I had that went in and out of feeling lukewarm, even flaky and unsupportive. I realized why I felt so bad is cause I had been doing so much just to feel palatable or tolerated in the hopes of fitting in and lost a lot of who I was along that path and the writing was on the wall as I reclaimed myself more and more.

I suppose that's where I need to get on wrapping this journal up.. Very recently I was shown exactly what I had theorized and feared in this regard, that there was always gonna be a consequence to having feelings, to not tolerating certain forms of treatment and behaviour, to having my own voice and a sense of self after so long of having very little.

What I am left with now is a deep realization that I need to carry on with my life for the sake of myself. I cannot just slide back into the void just cause I saw and experienced the things I had feared, there is little I can do to change these external factors. All I can do is realize that as much as I continue to work on myself, growing and changing. There are some things out there that may never change and its not my place to cater to it self-sacrificially.

This isn't me leaving the fandom, its just me choosing myself finally. If you too have felt this way, just know you are not alone.

Just like the title says, derg is now on the sight full of skies that are blue, or something like that!
Also that said, I am gonna be phasing out my use of Twitter overall.

Now gimmie a follow over there! <3

wingfire.bsky.social

Decided to make an account over on Itaku, gonna see how it goes!

https://itaku.ee/profile/drake-wingfire

Come give a ol dragon some love there, I will still be posting here but I feel its best to keep my art in more than one spot.

Welp, I am a little numb/detached to some degree at this at this point, maybe cause I ain't really affected too much, but maybe also cause its just one more drop in the bucket for NSFW artists who have always had to endure these sort of waves within the fandom. We often take casualty damage with the way the fandom likes to broadly tackle many issues. Sad but what can you do? FA will lose a lot of artists, a lot of fan art, past me would have been sad or more mad about it, but I think most artists will just move on or deal with some degree of a smaller user base. I will probably pull a few pictures of my own to be on the safe side.

First off, Happy Newyears!

I for one am very glad to be done 2022, I think we can all agree it was a whirlwind of a year. While I make no big plans for 2023, my main goal for the year is to continue progress on the state of my mental health and physical health. The last year presented a significant number of hurdles for me to face, and while I am over a few of them, this year is starting off with essentially the same goals and aspirations carried over from last year. Honestly, some of the same fights as well.

There is really no stressing hard enough how important it is to make sure you take time and make effort for yourself and your own overall health.

There are many things I wanna get better with and here is hoping that this is a good year of continuation of all the steps and hurdles I had to face in 2022. Here is to a better state of being! <3

Starting things off, thank you to those who have faved and commented on my art here on this platform. I always get the warm fuzzies to know people like the things that I do and the way I express myself <3
It honestly helps give me motivation to do more silly, fun, expressive or just downright dirty stuff~

But also to that end, I have long been one of those "than you for the fave!" type wall posters, and while I genuinely meant it, I do realize that its not some peoples thing and I also don't wanna annoy anyone especially folks that just enjoy what I do. So I wont be firing off any more basic thanks for the fave type page shouts at folks from here on out just as a means of not coming across spammy. ^^

Though I can't say all this without at least also following it up with thanks to all the folks who regularly interacted with me over all the years be it comments on my art posts or even simply just giving it a fave. Seeing a lotta familar names pop up in those ways always made me happy. I may not post the most frequently but I am happy that you are here for it either way <3

I look forward to continuing to share what I make with you all ^.=.^

While the feeling isnt gone, I realized that I feel I was being overly personal with some details of the ongoing struggles. Sad part of this has been my needing an outlet to just deal with everything..

Many days I just feel like slumping over in exhaustion and just saying "All I wanted, was a place, to just hang out with friends" ya know? I wanna make people happy, but its come with a high cost to my own health.

I once again find myself having that same question enter my head "where does a guy in his 30s go to meet folks?" Not saying I don't have friends locally or nothing but I do often find myself yearning for a little more. Usually on the fronts of just who and what I am which has left me feeling at times like the odd person out, even around friends.

The last year has been a big battle with depression and social anxiety, two problems that have made it harder than usual to put a best foot forward and easy to feel like you are losing ground when you can't keep mustering up the same energy or smile people expect of you. A negative side of going through struggles like this is that it can all too common for you to be left in silence or simply told to be like your old self, things that simply compound those feelings of struggle and depression.

Trying to break that cycle proves to be a challenge since you get caught in a catch 22 of needing people to talk to cause it helps a lot, and not having a lot of energy to talk to people or engage cause you are feeling low. Being in my 30s adds the extra level of most of us all being busy with the typical adult life and not having the same time for the fun extracurricular stuff we relate with and identify by. But all the same I feel like I have always been close-to but at the same time missing that main feeling of having found more of a space where I feel welcomed and belong.

Been a bit more socially active over on twitter as of late, I will probably also post some random sketches I have done the last while over there! Come find me at https://twitter.com/DWingfire ^.=.^

For those here who have followed my slow-brew art over the years and may be more active over on Twitter, I am now back up on that platform. Honestly planning to take it slow with it, maybe just use it for art or just fun lill things. I wanna get more into the social spheres but in a more healthy way. ^.=.^

You can find me DWingfire

Rawrrrloo! wanted to make something a lill more positive here, also a smidge of a life update as well while I am at it

Its been a weird a bumpy road finding myself as a gay person, I know in this day and age that may not sound like much, but for myself, I always knew I was pretty gay but tended to struggle with feeling okay expressing that. It was always a secret I kept tight to my chest even if it was a poorly kept secret. This year I managed to come out to two separate coworkers both of which were pretty accepting and in the best way possible, it changed nothing about how we talked or interacted. Its helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin, able to just be myself. I always had a hard time wearing any of my gay at the surface and this marks a big step in just owning myself.

On a similar note, I've finally been able to accept myself for who I am physically. one downside the LGBT community had in various areas was this feeling/ pressure of perfectionism and being all-in, look the part, sound the part, be the part. For younger gay guys it was always the emphasis on being thin, hairless, cute. Pretty much that ol chestnut of being the ideal gay boy. For me I had maybe a few years around my time in high-school where I had a shot at being that, but genetics laughed at that idea. In the last year I gave up the battle with trying to shave so much or feel awful about myself cause I am a little over weight, in turn I actually got a lot of support from friends and now I feel pretty good with aspects of how I look, if life dealt me the fuzzy gay guy hand, I may as well play it and enjoy it, god knows a lot of guys I talk to like guys like that so honestly, yay for male body positivity! If dragon daddy is the cards I got dealt, then lets play!

But, I have to say the biggest and also hardest change of all has been my social nature. I struggled hard for so... so long, clinging to identities I had built up feeling it was helping me. Just getting stuck in this weird spot of trying to be more tough and outgoing than I actually was and when that house of cards came down, it wiped out nearly everything I had going in my life. I bounced around a lot between social groups and friends at this point, but always felt just worthless and not really liked, just there out of pity. BUT not being all depressive here, been slowly turning this around, working on talking and genuinely expressing myself more, also giving people chances and reaching out more instead of just hiding in my shell feeling wronged and afraid of people, Its been very slow but I have been feeling more connected to others and more of my own person again who has his own merits and value.

For now its just a matter of keep moving towards that goal of being a more healthy person at what ever pace works best <3

Everything is still very much a work in progress, but like I say, its all about those net gains! <3

What keeps those of you in the 30+ age group going within this fandom?

Or more accurately, what continues to drive one socially within the fandom at this age group and in this day and age? I find that being in your 30's a lot starts to kinda... fall off. Conversations give way to mainly topics about work, politics, opinions on world events, which is all fine...I think? But to engage in talk of hobbies, or anything a lill more existential, introspective or just how things be is met with an uncomfortable silence many times. Perhaps I just don't know my audience in most places and stuff like politics and bemoaning work is just the new water cooler talk of this age group I am still adapting to.

Hobbies is a big sticking point for me in this way, a decent number of artistic people I knew have sorta fallen off the face of the earth or otherwise kinda shelved what they like to do. A concept I have been aware of and also feared since my earlier 20's, just the idea that some day I may give up on that which I love to do, just in the name of this strange boxed-in concept of what an adult must be.

The fandom had brought me much happiness at times, and those times have always been when I meet those few folks who are passionate about something, not meaning passionate as just having strong opinions about everything, though I am no stranger to that myself. I mean just having a vibrant interest and expression of something they enjoy or like to do/ create or even the deep thinkers out there who really have some interesting perspectives, ideas or just how they process the world around them, endless hours of intriguing conversation to say the least.

But yet...

Finding those people as you get older becomes more and more difficult and I am not sure if I just "don't get it" or I am just looking in the wrong places to find my type of people. But I am truly interested in hearing what others have experienced in this regard. Perhaps you know what I am talking about and feeling?

Or TL;DR, where does one go to find creative and socially open adults? Have you experienced this yourself? Aging dragon minds want to know! Life is more pleasant with fruitful friendships and people who accept you for who you are, and that's what I seek.

2020 yada yada, year bad, we know the drill, heck even the mentioning of the cliche subject has become a cliche subject in and of itself, soooo!

...... I legit don't know where to start, a lot of this year has been a dark place for me with small, brief glimmers of light and hope. I have lost friends, some because juicy drama was more appealing than reality or truth, some because they simply moved away seeking out a better life for themselves, but the one that hit hardest was losing my best friend to cancer. A void in my life opened up when he passed, losing someone who was a fellow artist, who was a genuinely open minded and kind soul. Then the thoughts afterwards... The conversations that won't be anymore, the ever improving and impressing artwork that now stops here, just a lot of things that wont ever be or ever be again. It just hit me hard... and the following months got no easier. Having a void like that puts you in a bad place... a place where people can use you, abuse your trust and friendship, treat you as disposable. Its been a struggle most of my life, really. 2020 just simply proved many things all over again for me. Not to say it was all bad, in the journey of this last year I found a couple friends out there, more genuine and kind souls, I even managed to re-shift my focus on others already in my life.

In other areas of life... it was a volatile year for me in just how I even looked at myself, I felt like I had been so beat up over these last few years by myself and others, even my own identity was sorta falling apart from the inside. I didn't feel like myself at all, I felt like.. I was just a empty "thing", living in this body, just counting down time and putting on a act for many people, just to keep them happy or play the court jester as I tend to do. At some point I started even strongly rejecting my own homosexuality... a path that I think, while it helped me in the long run to re-discover that part of me, was not a pleasant journey towards its end. I am frankly glad I feel comfortable with myself as a gay man again... cause the alternative I fear would have merely driven me into a deep deep depression, heck it sorta did honestly, so time to shake that shit off me and grab the biggest dildo I can and hit that reset button with it!

On a more positive note, I think due to all the hell.. for better or worse I put a lot of focus into my art. Maybe I have to thank Skyder for that one really, I had felt drive this whole year... do better, embrace expression, put your heart into your work, some times working in between breakdowns cause some pictures got rather emotional for me on a personal level. No one knows how long any of us truly have on this planet and I for one would love to at least have something to show at the end, regardless how much or how little attention or credit I have ever gotten as an artist, it still means a lot to me to keep moving forward in my passion.

Who knows what the future really holds for anyone, I do still hope for the best. I hope to see a day where I can look back at this year and go "If I survived that hell, those repeated blows, I can do anything" So here is at least hoping we can start growing something better in the steaming heap of dung this year left us with.

No... I aint joining another anti-furry art based art sight. I decided to take a look at their forums and its currently swarmed by people having to ask if multiple types of art are okay because they fear harassment and bans. Its user base calling those same people baiting trolls trying to start fights. this is NOT how you do an art community. If you first response to artists is to shit on them and threaten bans for "wrong-art" and then accuse them of being toxic people you have only created the next quick to die web sight. I don't know why the hell this needs to be explained but being all authoritarian with creativity is the best way to kill off all creativity, art is about fantasy, creativity, expression.

How many times do we gotta make this same mistake?

just like it says on the label, I finally nuked my account once and for all!

I never was twitter-popular to begin with, which as time went on seemed to be a good thing, I always try to instead be me. Which is a recipe for not-sucess. I found my art never reached anyone and the only times I seemed to be engaged by people was if I was making snarky comments on people or things I hardly knew anything about aside first impressions and screen shots, just being a typical judgmental social media user.. Thats a dangerous road to walk down and when I caught myself on it, I knew I had to do something. Its not who I wish to be. I would rather be known for who I am as a dragon and an artist with a silly and dirty sense of humor than just who I dislike and who I associate with.

holy crap, further into my 30s I go, ya know I was kinda bummed this morning over it, a tad lonely cause all the self-isolation stuff among other things, but I did the day in the way I saw fit and took some time to just chill and relax, IE smoke some weed, go for a long walk, haha. But for a while I worried about getting older in this fandom, not really fitting in or meshing with some groups/ scenes. Slowly feeling a tad more alien or simply -a different era of furry- that's been really losing any sense of relevancy in these, interesting times. Things feel like they have been changing a lot for me, just in my own head, what I value, what means anything to me. Halp, is this called getting more cemented into your 30s? @.=.@

This is probably a nonsensical place to bring up such a topic, but I have been feeling in some weird ways for some time. Not... bad per se, but a lot of various odd thoughts, on myself, on the fandom, on sexuality and sexual identity.

For a long time I had a very black and white, cut and dry outlook on sexuality. I grew up in pre-social media, pre-in-your-face-about-everything furry fandom where things were still on the whole taboo. Lots of porn still to be had, but to be over sharing, to throw around dick picks and murrsuit stuff around or otherwise rubbing your sexual identity in everyone's faces was still not a really cool thing to do and garnered you a reputation of a slut or a simpleton, usually both. At that point I was a very subversive type individual, the typical 20s gay guy. I drew porn like it was going out of style, I joked around about being gay, usually putting myself as the butt of many jokes that revolved around being gay. (still kinda do but far less so) I had fun with it to say the least, but this was also at a time when being vocal about ones sexuality wasn't something one got praised for, so I dealt with getting shit occasionally, but hey that just came with the territory of being way too open and way too extra I guess and I learned that one the hard way... a few times.

As of late how ever, I find myself more weary and more off-put or otherwise exhausted by the state of the fandom in terms of sexuality. Even at points kinda coming down on myself and feeling kinda gross for being gay merely cause of association with what being gay seemed to mean within the fandom and a couple of times really not liking myself cause of it and my choices in life that stemmed from my being gay. I noticed it in the art community, a low-key thought pattern that pops up every now and then of "if its not gay porn it can just like...not be here...ok? Thanks.". This isn't to say I am gonna stop drawing or enjoying the gay stuff, its more acknowledging a particular issue of the times, I will still always draw that I want/ feel. I just really can see and have sympathized a lot with friends who have had to deal with the treatment that comes with not being part of the gay furry culture, or being gay but not being super loud and proud about it and getting honestly poor treatment cause of it. Doesn't really make one have those warm and fuzzy gay pride feels.

Im in my 30s now, humorously refereed to as "gay death" and I guess that's kinda coming to pass? Or maybe just my tastes in people changed I guess? Often when I meet someone or a group and you try and strike up a conversation or get to know people.. they mostly seem to focus on talking about their desire for someone *hint hint HINT* make them their little slut toy to use an abuse, or like just brag about their bedroom lives and conquests or otherwise just HOW gay they are and they just won't seem to move past the subject. In a way, I am kinda disheartened at feeling like a weird outsider for wanting more than just basic, opportunistic, horny, gayness. But at other times its hard to be upset cause honestly. Being gay is kinda the default these days in the fandom, its as common as water and air, most gay dudes in the furry fandom are younger ones, just a demographic that's more or less is just looking to explore sex and themselves in a very hard and fast way that often focuses less on intimacy or attraction, and more just finding ways to deal with and explore urges and weird feelings that arise, But with that I know being gay has the same intricacies as any other form of sexual identity and I just don't belong to the current scene, hence the weird feelings and changes in myself.

These days I have simply defaulted to saying I am Bi (keep it short and sweet), I can never deny who I was, or what I am in this present time, I want to keep that plain and simple to spare confusion. I end up looking for the same social and personality merits regardless of someones sex and I am feeling more and more comfortable being able to express that. I never really was the loud and proud gay guy, even at my peak, but in my younger years I fell into the classic trope/ trap of always trying to prove my gayness to other furs like it was the end all, be all of ones personality and identity. As I aged and had more encounters and experiences I noticed more and more just how common that type of gay mindset/ presentation/ way of being was getting to be within the fandom. I began to realize, that's not the type of gay guy I was anymore, if at all, at least when I tried to be more outwardly gay in the past. I just no longer jived or really fit in with the furry fandom's current gay culture, it just wasn't who I was, and honestly that's okay. I really just need to be myself and stop trying to make myself fit into roles and categories.

If you are down here looking for a TL:DR, I believe in full-context, soo no, haha.

(ugh, well that only took for ever to write @.=.@)

Late to the party on this one, but I wanted to give time to really think about this before I typed it out.

2019 was a weird year for me, there have been a lotta things in my life that changed and a lot of things that stayed the same, for better or worse. New place to live, new city, new relationship, new job, new friends. A lot of "new" but yet I felt throughout the year like life really wasn't going anywhere in some regards. Mostly cause it felt like I was starting a massive chunk of my life all over again.

I checked off a few things in the last year on the grand list of things I want to do, I focused a lot on my personal projects. Art was the same as it always was, I kept steady with that more or less (aside a hand injury from the summer I still battle with to this day) I explored a few interesting concepts and avenues, which can be seen in my gallery. I also bit the bullet, and my wallet and fulfilled a dream of mine, to sculpt my very own silicone toy. Something not many people got the time, resources or just determination to try. Hell I even built my own vacuum chamber outta scrap just to do it, so I feel rather proud of myself for having that level of follow-through and then in the end making a nice silicone toy modeled after my dragon self. So in terms of like things I got done, I am pretty happy with what I accomplished.

Socially it has been a very reclusive year for me. It still felt like a very bumpy road full of sore spots, sad to say but I tend to be a slow-heal person when it comes to dealing with shit and while 2019 wasn't so bad for dealing with people and furries, I still was just too overwhelmed by things and needed to take a break and get away from it all. The silver lining and glimmer of hope though was that I still managed to meet new people out there who despite the state I have been in, have been incredibly kind, supportive and even talked or hangout with me through all my ups and downs. You guys know who you are and you know how much I appreciate you all. <3

In closing, I am trying to remain optimistic for 2020. I still got a long ways to go in fixing or otherwise rebuilding my life from what had felt like square one (which holy fuck feels awful in your 30s) but I got a few foundation stones in place and am still working through things a lot in the hopes of being more of a true me again. Trying to be a physically, socially, sexually and general life healthy dragon is a lot to take on, but it needs to be done.

Wingfire out! ^.=.^ ^O^

Hey everyone, I am gonna be attending MFF for the first time ever, heading out first thing tomorrow morning!

I will admit I am a lill freaked out about traveling and a few other things I hope I get to meet some of you! Feel free to come up and say hi, I may be a lill shy or jet lagged but I do wanna get out and meet people. I have been far too much of a hermit these last few months and I need to change that! ^.=.^

Keep and eye out for a big red dragon, or his human counterpart!

Greetings, its been a while since I last posted anything, heck maybe a small number of people are even interested at all, but none the less I feel the need to post a lill something something.

Its been a very touch and go feeling couple months for me, with summer at its end I always feel a lill regret I did not do more. But alas my physical and mental health have been having to take priority, so I have been a dragon just kinda laying low and keeping comfortable as I kinda re-adjust and sorta asses what I want out of life, friendships and the furry fandom as I grow older. With all that's gone on in my life its raised a lotta questions for me on what I really want or need to be happy and how much of my own happiness I am willing to sacrifice to try and make things work out.

The last few weeks have been especially rough, my back issues had flared up in a BAD way. My gift for being Mr Work hard and be a productive member of society I suppose. But I am getting back into exercise routines to help me correct that problem. The more immediately pressing one for me has been my hands, back in late August I went out for a golf game, first time in 15 years and I went a lill too hard core at it trying to show off or prove myself and I ended up pulling and hurting tendons in my right hand. So I have been outta commission in terms of art and gaming. The good news is that I have been tending to things for a few weeks here and I am feeling better and better and hope to be drawing again in the next week or two.

But on a much more positive note, my god do I have a lotta ideas in my head for cute, fun and even classic furry style dirty smut. So don't you worry there, if there is one thing someone of my age and fandom experience hasn't lost over the years its my own personal drive for improvement and trying to be anything of a contributing creator to a part of the fandom I still hold dear in some respects.

All in all, its been a bit of a interesting run in many regards but I am slowly coming back around on the mend and with any luck, better than I have been in some time and will be back to my old antics of art, comedy and a lill tinkering!

I will admit, I am not a streamer type of person, nor a big internet personality, nor do I like having excessive accounts for things. I have always been a very simple artist type just doing what I love and when I see people who enjoy what I do, it makes me a pretty happy dragon <3

So when hearing that FA put in a new system to allow tipping, I figure hell why not! I don't expect things to get really too far with it, but its nice to have the option open should anyone who enjoys all sorts of gay dragon porn feel generous at the time ^.=.^. As for what it means to me, heck I am just gonna keep pushing along with drawing the things I love and enjoy and you will all still be along for the ride regardless <3

Happy new years everyone,welcome to 2019! Man, I did not realize it had been an entire year without a journal on here!

It was a busy and chaotic 2018 to say the least, there is a lot I could talk about but I also don't wanna be an incredible downer and just joining the leagues of "my life sucks" voices that just keep on repeat. So In this instance I will try and keep it point form and hopefully that minimizes it?

Art life: I had slowed down a bit this last year with my art but I still pushed myself to draw and complete things, at this point in my life, furry art is one of the few things that gives me a feeling of meaning or really being a part of the fandom. My passion about dragons and scalies has not faded at all and I intend to draw for years to come. In fact I wanna get a more modern tablet to up my game a bit! My art is just one of my main life passions,

Work life: I started last year with a detailers job at a RV shop, was going great, I got promoted to Tech in the spring and that pretty much when this job started going down hill. I found out just how under appreciated and how little consideration was given to techs there and while the money I make is pretty decent, I just feel overly pressured to do everything fast and with little resources many times to get the job done. In short I want out cause I am finding this line of work not for me. I am not heart broken by this, had to re-invent my work self multiple times, so whats one more?

Health: I aint sugar coating this one, 2018 was probably the worst year of my life health wise, and maybe I should be proud that I survived it and still found things to be happy about life even after that. I had three separate molars that either broke or were in aching decay, costly to remove and well, made me feel kinda bad, always thought I did a decent job looking after my teeth but they died from the inside out. Then in the summer I put out my back at my job and was off over a week and on top of that still dealing with the issues of trying to re-train my muscles to reduce back strain.

Mental health: I think this in 2018 had to have been the biggest shit kick of them all. Dealing with a long term relationship that I had to end due to it turning into a very unhealthy thing for both parties, and plus my job being just a micro managing shit storm making passive threats. This year found me stuck in a spot of trying to hold down a stressful job to keep myself afloat while dealing with various forms of attacks, social undermining and drama. Much of which was based on my breakup. 2018 was trying to kick my ass from both sides of my life and I still got the stress ticks to show for surviving it.

Furry stuff: This has been a super mixed bag of a year, the local scene has been dwindling, a few events all but dying off in a rather sad and disappointing turn of events. The aforementioned breakup 3rd party drama/ attacks also factoring into things put me in a place of "where the hell do I even go with this crap?". It was a trying year for the whole furry and being passionate about the fandom thing. So I have been taking a page outta the books of some furries I know and expanding my horizons, meet new people, people who have the same interests as myself (art, suiting, kinks, crafts and creations). I got too use to being small-world about things cause a local furry scene had popped up and I ceased really meeting interesting folks abroad like I once did. So far its been a sigh of relief meeting more active people out there with fun things of their own going on or just fun/ interesting stuff to talk about (you know who you are <3)

Going forward into 2019: Its gonna be a year of BIG changes, 2018 showed me a lot of ugly and a lot of shitty in many forms, It all felt like one big test to see what I could endure and what I came to realize is a lot of it has been my operation with things. I had been holding onto ideas and things even after they long since fell to ash and had this idea of "If I try really hard... I can make it come back again" while nice in sentiment had often set me up to get hurt. In 2019 I have to try something different and part of that is gonna be giving more focus to the things in my life that make me happy and spending time with the people that matter as well as reaching out more to engage and try new things. I want to try and wipe some of my slate clean, not so much for the sake of others, but for myself and my own progression in life. When the environment changes, you either adapt and evolve, or fade away, and this red dragon aint ready to fade!

All of this years work has finally culminated in the outcome I had hoped for, hell maybe even better than I had hoped, potentially!

Tomorrow I start at a local Honda dealership, the same one I did my work experience at, which is one hell of a surprise! When I was there I knew there was like 0% chance I was gonna get in, they were fully staffed with long term guys. But I guess someone moved on to a different place or something cause a spot did open up. This is actually pretty awesome cause for the last month I was feeling jealous of classmates who snagged a job straight outta their work exp/ co-op placements and meanwhile I didn't.

I actually was kind of stressed cause I had to chose between Honda and another small shop, both had their pros and cons, but the one con that Honda had we actually worked out so I am very happy about that. When I went to call the other shop to let them know I wasn't gonna take them up on their offer, and essentially apologize for not letting them know sooner, by the time I was just breaking the news the dude goes "So you are bailing on me" and hangs up on me as I was talking. So I feel like I made the right choice now if he was that snippy when someone was trying to do the right thing and not leave someone hanging.

Now what does this all mean for me aside a job? Well I can start repaying my small student loan faster and sooner. I don't have to drive far at all for work, so that should mean I got a lill more evening free time in which I still am gonna do art (as thats my main furry passion) so it should be business as usual, but with a decent job and money!