"hurr durr you're wrong I'm right"
*hits post, then immediately BLOCKS you so you cannot reply*

... god people need to grow the fuck up...

Well, the year is almost a tenth of the way through, so I might ought start thinking about those resolutions.

-lose weight > duh. who doesn't end up with this one lol. Actually not a big one though, and I'm getting there a little at a time. goal, 140-150, same as I weighed in high school.

-be a better pet > I'm having a little trouble keeping up with this one so far but not for a lack of inspiration. Starting to play catch-up though so *crosses her fingers* I'm working on a variety of projects that should help me here...

-get my old job back > former boss ran me off because he couldn't stand me (correction, he couldn't stand LGBT folks) and he overworked me until I screwed up and fired me. Come to find out the bastard ripped off the company... Been long enough, and the district manager revealed to a friend that just went back that he never had a problem with me himself... so maybe I can get back in there... but only for part time this time.

-Gain ground with medical needs. I am gonna try and get my medical rec for Arkansas, since our MMJ program is finally going to go green. If I can, it won't affect occupational security as our state law forbids employers from using a medical rec against an employee... Also would like to finally start HRT... my cousin once told me she figured I'd be happier as a girl and I completely dismissed the idea... and that was 2004? 2005? Girl knew me since I was a wee lass playing Barbies with her... Maybe she knew what she was talking about XD took me nearly another decade and change to reach the same decision on my own. Folks are already completely aware of it... most folks around me know, and nobody has actually confronted me about it. To the contrary, actually, most people are super nice and ask me reasonable questions...like the girl at the store close to the house asks me about how I do my nails sometimes, cuz I layer different coats on them to change how they look.

-fix up my house > seriously, I may prefer pink frills, big plushies, and lipstick... but I gotta grab the tool belt and fix some non-emergency electrical issues and do some other knick knack crap... Some of this is actually on a soft deadline so the sooner I get these things hammered out the better

-STAY HOPEFUL :) sometimes this is a problem with me... I struggle every once in a while to believe that I'm worth anything... Think Bojack's self deprecating internal monologues... "I'm a piece of shit and I ruin everything and everyone around me" kinda crap...

...I'm sure I'll remember more that I need to worry about.
Keep it real, everyone. Hope you stay well this year. <3

how do you convince someone that they deserve hope, instead of holding onto hatred?
..how do you apologize for being a terrible big sister if she won't even speak to you?
how do you explain all of your shortcoming (explain, not excuse) if they refuse to let go of their own drawn misconceptions...?

how do you give someone back dreams they've given up on?
...
how do you rebuild a broken family?

...How do you say "I'm sorry?" when you're adrift in the Nothing, a lifetime away from home?

so a long delay in updates again... Things keep getting hairy in my everyday life. issues with work, issues with family of all kinds... issues with MYSELF. crazy, right? acknowledging our own faults... like my inability to see how I should have been free to be this way from the start... for some reason I started hiding the pageantry, stopped singing along to pop divas in public and changed an entire aspect of how I behaved... the hints were all there, right from the start... fantasizing about "being the girl" in the porn I found growing up... wanting to learn how to please men as well as women... the girly behaviors and mannerisms that got me made fun of from time to time...and probably led to the beginning of my abuse. but that isn't what this is about. It's about ME...

I was born in a way that does not fit many normal standards of living... my transgender status aside, I bear at least one birth defect that has caused tangible albeit seldom-occurring issues with balance and leads to me falling down... and a condition that occasionally makes breathing incredibly painful but otherwise unimpeded... If it isn't dysphoria then I also have mood issues leading to chronic depression or bi-polar disorder... and definitely some PTSD... but I can not let those things define me...

I am beautiful... but not everyone else sees this. I've ceased censoring my wardrobe entirely outside of work. People in public have been quite supportive, which has enforced my decision to seek hormone therapy as soon as is feasible. I've always had a little bit extra meat when other guys working out had firm chests, so maybe that'd fluff up some <3 i'd like it if I could have something small...nothing too big though, just enough for my master to hold onto <3 I mean I could get implants... but that is definitely not a pertinent issue now lol. tonight I finished filtering out most of my stuff, I will only have my work pants, and a few pairs of my favorite pants and that is it. i'm done pretending to be some sort of image of masculinity at the expense of my self esteem and self respect.

which means... I have to accept that I might not have simple stability... considering I find myself subjected now to SPECIAL RULES about workplace uniforms, in that now that they know I'm trans, the fashion quirks they tolerated (and which PRINTED dress policy allowed) before are no longer acceptable out of me, but are acceptable for others, including natural women working there... When I was coming up there, our boss was very open minded and she even encouraged me as a woman. the guy above her, on the other hand...is the one who decided my "silly shoes" were no longer acceptable when I started being an out trans woman at work... there was a FtM trans coworker that quit over this guy's treatment a while back, he said he wasn't surprised that I was getting targeted now. My supportive boss quit and now the idea of me in a dress offends the guy that replaced her so...

I haven't had anyone try to START shit with me yet in public like at restaurants and when i'm shopping... but I've gotten the stares...the whispers... "oh my god---" "holy shit, hahahahha.". on the one hand, they can go fuck miles of off, i'm not doing this for their benefit... on the other hand, while it hurts less to be hated for my HONESTY... it still hurts. I hate having to constantly clean off my fingernail polish to go to work after my days off, which I get for it being food service related but I could just wear gloves like other girls if it wouldn't be an issue being obviously girly in the first place...I sometimes get nervous and if i damage a fingernail i'll often ruin it trying to just clean it up, but nail polish covers up those imperfections that I can't ignore otherwise. so wearing polish leads to healthier nails for me... :/ it sounds stupid but...

but i'm alive... I look around and that isn't always true. some of the people most dear to me are gone... some gone from my life and some...gone completely. I've a piece of my heart cast into the ether, lost forever... but that pain is beautiful. it means I loved him. We all lose people we love as time goes by. I just hope that when I'm gone, others think of me with fond memories...

but for now. I am alive... I am employed...
and I am a beautiful woman.
sincerely, Abigail

now peace out bitches, kitty's gotta let her hair down and frag trolls on GTA
nerd girls are the best >:3

yeah it's the title of a Paula Abdul song...eat me XD

Just realized how long it's been since I even updated this journal shit... I guess I should keep things up to date more. So yeah, here we go...
-Still trying to fix my life... realizing that "fix" may not mean what I originally thought...Thinking of trying to get into starting hormone therapy...I know I want to but I honestly haven't even looked into it... I feel like I have other things to fix first, like losing weight and getting back into shape...dunno if I'll ever do reassignment surgery, it'd seem a little selfish if I'm incapable of bearing children...
-Still a happier girl than a sad one, even though I have my regrets and my shames... I know that I have to keep moving forward and keep looking up... I have sworn my heart and soul to others, and I swear I will honor that allegiance no matter what... I am loved, and that is all it takes to start making a difference in the world.
-Still living in the backwoods of Arkansas, got my own place with plenty of space. Overall the whole thing is a work in progress but I have already designed what I want it to be like when I'm finished... just gonna cost like 20-40 grand of modifications and additions, plus furnishings...

...still hurting... but it means I'm alive... the pain in my heart means I'm NOT a monster... a machine, perhaps, but not a monster...

guess it isn't the biggest, best, most informative thing I could post...but at least it's not a mopey pile of emo crap like I sometimes post...

my story will never have a television ending, my abuser will never pay for what he did to me...

this crossed my mind earlier today conversing on a submission about the theme of rape...

its true, or at least, part of it is. the truth is, many stories have chapters that end in cliffhangers, chapters that end in anguish... but that doesn't mean the story will end in tears.

I may have had many chapters in my life end in the way of an awful tragedy...loss, trauma, heartbreak... but there is no reason yet that I may not still have my happily ever after...

There is still a chance, and we can all be standing on the balcony, wishing on a star, or whatever... I hope and pray that someday when I look around me, there are others who saw black skies standing beside me, sharing in that glory... *closes her eyes and cries* It would be something truly spectacular to share...

Sometimes what's left behind can grow back better than the generation before...if given the chance....

*holds up a pile of shattered glass, sobbing softly* my drive, my ambition, my feelings, I feel through art... when I need to feel inspired, I look at my heroes... I sob and tell myself I can be as strong as them... I can save everyone... everyone lives, everyone is happy... but the truth is, the only hero I can be is my own. I'll have to search within myself to find the dimly glowing candle, but when I find that light once more I will encompass it, and protect it, and nurture it... until I can forge this pile of trash anew and find a worthy temple for my new heart..

because when I am whole again I swear to you all I will shine with the light of the stars, and I will never allow that temple to be defiled...I will rise from these ashes and in the blazing light will be a beautiful woman...and she is who I will be forever in my soul...

just a few collected thoughts...

without hope and love, all we have are the marks of our suffering upon our soul... why I wear my hope upon my collar, my love upon my hand, and my suffering hidden up my sleeve to make me stronger... for without anyone to show my suffering to, and nobody to tell about my dark realities... all I can do is tightly package my pain and anguish, and bury it from the world... for if I cannot share it for fear of what sharing my feelings would do to the lives of others... what can I do with it? try to bottle my bruised spirit and move on...but what happens when people interpret your desperation to get AWAY from the people that hurt you as to be desperate for affection... what happens when you're afraid of sharing your feelings because you're afraid of other people (in some cases rightly so) being upset and angry at the cause of your pain???

I flew too close to the sun,I had a taste of my dream, and it soured and went rotten in my mouth... and the illness of a poison dream ravaged my body, ruined my spirit, and desecrated with jealousy and pain and anguish....

speaking of dreams, what happens when you're forced to watch, or clean up, after someone you've shared those dreams with for years keeps saying you deserve those dreams and fantasies...but after a year of having your hopes dashed time and time again for stupid bullshit reasons... they give your dreams and hopes to someone else... how do you take that???

so, even as early as i can remember there were things that were...different...about me. One of my earlier childhood memories was of the times visiting my closest cousin, in terms of emotional attachment. she was wonderful, we were like two peas in each other's pod, or something... i'd play with her barbies and she would play with my action figures... as she put it "you were the first boy to not look up barbie's skirt" and even nowadays she tells me she thinks i would be happier if i underwent gender reassignment... i'm not convinced she is wrong... however, thats background, and the rest of this story doesn't involve her...it involves a different relative. one that before i was 10 had bashed my head open with a rock because i was tired of playing...on a seperate incident he had shot at cars with a 22 and even though i was smart enough to know his odds of hitting any at the range he was going for was almost nil I still chastised him and tried to leave but he got the idea and stopped...

switching gears just a bit, before i was 10, i'd made a new friend, and looking back i think he was a kindred spirit. we'll call him JAS because those are his initials... J A Shaw, if by some stroke you see this and remember those cute little games of truth or dare with me in that lil home-made "tent" in my bedroom...im sorry and i hope you are happy... moving forward here, in case you can't tell he was more or less my first lover, although we never went all the way. "hot dogging" was the closest we ever came... but at some point between 10 and 13 my relative with anger problems [we will call him rock from here on, in honor of the permanent scar on my forehead] , rock, found out about me and JAS, i cannot remember how but based on the psychological quirks i have im guessing i said the wrong thing and it was 2+2=queer... well, i cannot remember (or have repressed that extremely well) when it started but after rock found out, he wanted in on the fun, and since he had a sort of...mental dominance over me because he had a history of violence toward me...i ended up relenting even though i'd never particularly wanted it...

I don't recall specifically saying anything outright against him though... until one time we were at church camp, and the two of us were alone, and he decided he wanted me to blow him... I had finally had enough, and I didn't want to do it... I said no, I said I wasn't doing it... I SAID NO... but he chastised me, he talked down to me, and he threatened to OUT ME to the people from church... he threatened to tell them about me and my best friend...it wasn't just me he was threatening, it was JAS as well... not a threat of violence, but a threat nonetheless...and i knew he was capable of doing just that, and more... with that fear planted in my head, i hesitantly scooted across from my spot and bent over, and serviced him while he played with my tail... that was the first time the idea of self-hatred was placed in my mind. I didn't know I was gay, I was honestly blinded and sheltered, i thought what me and JAS were doing was practice for girlfriends...or something... I was stupid and young, but rock was stupid, young, and a violent & manipulative asshole...

from that point on, until sometime in my late teens... I was rock's fuck-toy... anytime he was around, I was almost guaranteed to end up on my knees for him to either use my muzzle, or play with my ass... my pleasure wasn't his priority. at some point i stopped hesitating, or offering even token resistance... because every second that i wasn't "getting it over with" was more of a risk of my parents catching us...catching me... i'm convinced if it had happened he would have told everyone that I came onto him... eventually he decided to take it up a notch...

sometime in my mid-teens, this event happened... he came over, i was home alone and there was no threat of anyone coming home for a few hours... he decided today was the day he was going to take my virginity...because i'd never been mounted, and so after some genuine concern and worry about it, he assured me that it wouldn't hurt, he would be careful, etc etc... finally i relented and he had me face-down leaning over a pool table. I don't remember if he used any lubrication...if so it would have only been spit... but i do remember what he called "spearing" which was just making sure it was pointed in the right place and then ramming it home...again, convinced he only did it to hear me yelp and feel me squirm... i cried, but i stifled my anguish as best i could because of fear or ridicule or worse, him being rougher because i was being a pussy...or something... (a later non-sexual incident in a similar vein, in his truck he was doing like 80 down the road and i didn't say anything because i figured if i did he'd smart off and go faster...) after i finally relaxed and the pain started to subside, he fucked me until he was finished, and congratulated me in one of those...nasty...ways... like me getting fucked that way was a rite of passage or something... after that point though, since he knew i could handle it that was mixed into the routine...

I don't remember when it finally stopped, although im not convinced it actually has. I no longer live anywhere near him, and only see him at family events, but if we were ever alone together I worry he would want something, and I worry about how I would respond, not that I would say yes or do anything he wanted, but what his response would be to my refusal...nobody in our family knows but he and I...And I think i'm going to keep it that way because if my parents found out, my father would outright kill rock, and end up in jail... rock's family would blame the whole thing on me, and that would basically end up nuking what little "cohesion" that my extended family still has...

I didn't feel like i could talk to my family because after the church camp incident i internalized my fears...I started to, as a very dear loved one told me, develop stockholm syndrome in a way... and i punished myself for being the way i was... i felt like the bad things that happened to me and my family were divine punishment for being such a filthy nasty sinful child, and even into my early 20s those repressive fears and that self hatred persisted... my grandfather died because of me...my kid brother got cancer and almost died because of my lusts...and eventually my baby brother (different younger brother) did die because of my sin... I am very lucky because at one point the anguish over my baby brother's death drove me to come home from school one day...go to the gun closet...get out a 9mm pistol, load it, just one round...and i ended up kneeling in the kitchen floor holding it to my temple sobbing with my finger on the trigger, begging God to just "let me be selfish...just this once...please...just this once..." but thankfully I couldn't put my family through burying me...

the scars cut deep, i have permanent marks on my arms, the larger ones did heal, but i have smaller ones that i look at from time to time to remind me how far I have come out of the darkness... I lost the ability to perform sexually to some degree, and wrote it off as just having performance anxiety when topping anyone (I have trouble maintaining an erection during penetration because my brain goes nuts and i worry about hurting people the way I was hurt my first time...and because there were incidents where what rock wanted was for me to top him, because he liked things in his ass, and it caused me issues because of the anxiety of the situation). I am only now struggling to fix those anxiety issues... I still love sex, probably because i sexualized a lot of the trauma i've experienced in my life, but... I want to be able to make love with my entire body instead of just my muzzle and tail... I am lucky, in a way, because i feel that to some degree God protected me from being completely broken and shattered...

This is my story... and I am a survivor... please don't apologize to me for what you did not do... but look around you, and find someone that needs a loving, gentle touch... and give them a hug and tell them...it will be alright someday...and it will get better... there will be days where you smile the full 86,400 seconds... but even if you don't smile once, that day won't be the end of the world. Tomorrow is another sunrise, and tomorrow is yours... tomorrow...today...today is mine, not rock's...

if you or someone you care about is a survivor of sexual abuse or assault... please check the link in my profile...

setting the couch on fire...

that is all... have a nice day folks

Hey, dad, listen, I just wanted you to be aware of just what I've got going on here... I spent several hundred dollars down there out of my own pocket, and since I came home with the PT, in addition to what you have given me... and there is still another 1800 dollars worth of work on the estimate given to me by the guys at the Meineke that gives (my employer censored) a discount on services, which doesn't include the following
-replacing the front brakes again because something (caliper?) is warping and ruining one of the rotors, the FR rotor is shot again already, it wobbles and pops when braking...
-replacing the windshield
-wiring up the safety systems
-alignment
-checking for the "problem" with the electrical system (remember, the lights flicker and dim during normal operation?)
-dealing with the air conditioner (could do this myself...but its something else on the list)
-there is a faint smell of burning SOMETHING, sometimes like burning wire, other times a little hint of exhaust, that will crop up for about a minute or so every other night, barely long enough for me to notice...
-front end pops a little now, almost like a faulty CV or tie rod
-coolant system boils out over time, runs hot when it does
-still dunno what the "exhaust issue" is

I don't like driving the car as is because it has faulty safety systems, as well as an unreliable drivetrain, unreliable brakes, and a faulty electrical system... what would you think if something happened and I got hurt driving this car? I only accepted it because I had no other choice...it was take the PT and pray, or lose my job... and now I'm stuck with another choice, do something, or lose my job...I'm going to do something, I'm going to get another car, one that is at least as reliable as the PT would be if it was fixed... in order to get the PT to "good" shape, I would have to spend a minumum of 2500 dollars, or "deal" with certain issues and drive down to arkansas to get help fixing it... all said and done, four thousand dollars in "work" to have a car that, realistically would be worth 1000-1500... I couldn't even expect a thousand dollars from it as a trade in...

When I left the miata down there at christmas, I left steven with a car that was running, driving, and the only THREE issues it had aren't really even issues... I THOUGHT the a/c was leaking but it really wasn't, so not a problem, I said the shocks would need replaced but its not crucial, and there was an "electrical" problem but it was just that steven had apparently pinched the speaker wire under the driver seat. I'd done it once, its something that i learned to watch for when i took the seats out. the markets i'm finding for the miata in that shape are 2000-3000, and requires no real work, and is a great platform to start from for a build project... In fact, if I hadn't given it up it would probably already have performance suspension and a turbo kit installed...after that all i'd ever wanted for it was a rollbar... Steven had originally tried to give me a "turbo eclipse" and even after realizing it was a base eclipse i was still willing, were it in any good shape...but we know how THAT turned out... truck issues aside lets just move to the PT, I (and steven) was told it was a GT model PT cruiser, which was if you recall one of the things i was looking at back in 05. The story was "he was driving across the yard like 15 miles an hour and clipped a tree dodging an animal.it JUST needed these pieces replaced, and new tires, and the windshield" after the front end parts were replaced "its fixed, runs good" cept i was never told about the extent of body damage and the other issues, such as electrical not working, brakes... water boiling... so assuming that it was "good to go" I told steven to take it and get the alignment done on it because "shade tree alignments aren't perfect...and if there are any frame problems the alignment shop will tell you about them..." but of course, this was never done... So I get down there, we take it to get the alignment and...long story short, the guy who sold it to steven admitted it got put into a ditch and was surprised we were driving it...the car had frame damage, it wasn't even a turbo model, it was the BASE model... I lost out on 3 weeks of work, only one of which was planned (funeral)... I'm sorry but even though it was forgiven I'm still pissed about being STRANDED for two weeks, missing work... I love you guys but I have my own life and when things threaten that it OFFENDS me... and right now this car is STILL threatening my life, my ability to make money for me and my loved ones to spend time together and fucking BE...

I haven't been asking for a HANDOUT... I've been asking for help getting a LOAN from SOMEONE who fucking cares and trusts me... clearly such a person doesn't exist that is capable, apparently...so I've gotta deal with the situation as it has been dealt to me... a lifetime of trying to do the right thing and all i have to show for it is broken dreams and a broken heart showered with broken promises... I don't WANT the PT, I don't even LIKE it, because it is a disaster... I don't trust it, it SCARES me because I never know if its going to leave me stranded on the side of the road, or worse... every time i pass someone on the main road as they walk the sidewalk i wonder if I could keep it from hitting them were the steering to fail for whatever reason... I've had multiple mechanics (meineke, and two of my coworkers one who is a senior at the local auto-institute and another who is a veteran of the auto industry who works pizza delivery for "fun money") tell me it is not worth wasting my time with... and that I would be better off with something that hadn't been wrecked...

but of course I can't get a sanctioned loan because between my attempts to please everyone and nobody else living up to their end of legitimate agreements, my credit is...less than pleasing... grandma leaving me high and dry on satellite bill after it was agreed I would split that when we lived over on the highway, resulting in a rather hefty cancellation bill... clara fucking my taxes up and getting a 5500 dollar IRS judgement against me, meaning I haven't gotten a tax return since 2005 (a detail which i'd like to point out, had not happened any other financial issues i HAVE encountered could have easily been resolved every spring)... then lets just move onto the van... a reposession is a rather ugly black eye on your credit ESPECIALLY when searching for a car loan... I left the van down there in exchange for the miata, i'd given at that point over 10 grand, and it was more useful to you guys anyway so all I wanted was "what was necessary to get the miata up to snuff" and in fact the last thing i'd asked for help with was the brakes, and i'd only needed like 150-200 on a 650 dollar brake job... but anywho, you guys let the van get reposessed... in fact, the only things on my credit that are genuinely "my fault" are my capital one card, my er bill from dardanelle, and the bills from when I lost my apartment back in 2010, because Richard wouldn't loan me 500 bucks to keep it using the truck as collateral (the truck was mine at the time it was loaned to Richard, iirc "sure, I have the van now, and i'd be happy to help my brother, since he needs a car to replace the roadmaster...") so, total i'd say about 1000-1200 dollars of my nearly 10k in current debt... but what can I say, I tried to do the right thing, I tried to help... I've always tried to help, and what have I gotten, "friends" offering to fix my jaguar and then taking the insurance check, and the car sitting for 5 years until i had to sell it at a loss.. even after it got backed over michelle offered 1500 for it, but i ended up selling it to royce for 800... so almost a 3 grand loss on my part thanks to ken... the accord I'm not gonna get into any more than "i'd already done my fair share of the work THREE TIMES, it was NOT lazy and shit to say MIKE COULD DO IT HIMSELF" so lets just look at the times i've had to cut my losses...

camaro
hyundai
the C10
charger
civic
accord
jaguar
now the PT...

I'm done... I'm not trusting this kind of "help" anymore...I just hope I can manage to pull myself out of this hole everyone else has dug for me by the time i'm FORTY!

i hope you enjoy the meager amount of cash and that pizza that your idiot accomplice wrecked when he picked up the hotbag wrong... i hope you don't realize you didn't scare me, and i hope you don't realize how pathetic you are... btw, i also hope that valid phone number you answered when we called to verify your order... i really hope thats a prepaid without your real identity linked to it...

oh wait, no, i hope that you sit your bitch ass in jail for a while you waste of flesh... also, turning your back to someone you just robbed is really goddamn stupid, especially since you didn't verify that I gave you "everything i have" and just took my word for it... for all you know, i could have had a concealed firearm on my person and dropped you and both your friends as you walked away... i didn't because i can't afford a concealed carry and a firearm at the moment (and because gunning down armed assailants would cost me my job i can guarantee it...)...

so yeah, you didn't scare me, your carefully laid plans were shot to shit when you only got what policy told me to carry, and your idiot friend half-dropped the bag, wrecking the pizza... i didn't skip a beat when i got back, and in fact the worst thing you did was cost me an hour of time working when we were getting slammed with orders... so for that, go fuck yourself... im not losing a wink of sleep tonight, douchewad...

TL;DR... I got robbed tonight at work, I followed policy almost to the letter in the moments leading up to delivering, and during the confrontation... I am completely unharmed both physically and mentally... I didn't go back and go home, I went back after finishing with the cops and finished out the night...

so I was with friends, we were eating golden corral. On the way home, we are sitting at a left turn waiting for a green arrow, and i notice this gray honda and a blue/white truck sitting on the right-hand side of the intersection from us, waiting to pull straight through in the direction we were going. truck is driven by what looks like a 40-something to low 50s man, and the honda by what i'd guess was a dude in his 20s... Well, so honda gets out of his car and slams the door in the middle of traffic (this is the first time i start paying attention, i can only speculate what happened prior, but i figure honda got cut off on accident). So I'm gettin all hawkeye on these two, and honda gets up to the window of the truck and starts yelling and screaming...truck runs the red light after making sure he wouldn't hit anyone, good timing as the light was transitioning to our green arrow finally, so we turn in behind truck as honda gets back in his car...

its about this time i notice a bumper sticker on the back bumper of the truck... SEMPER FI... oh shit, honda, you're an idiot, threatening a marine... speakign of which, i turned around and sure enough, that gray honda is flying up behind the truck, which is riding alongside us up to another red light... we stop, truck stops, honda stops, me and the marine make eye contact as he gets out of his truck, then we both look back as honda gets out of his car... now, bear this in mind, this guy looks like a grizzled 45-50 year old marine, and he STILL looks like he is in marine shape... i'm talking fucking SOFTBALLS for shoulders and huge hams for arms, and his body looked like you could fuckin grate cheese on his abs... he pops open the toolbox on the truck bed and reaches inside as the kid stops, wondering what he is doing...

at this point im replaying the dozens of stories i've heard about ex-military men getting harassed and threatened in traffic, and responding with a burst from their former service weapon or whatever lead-slinger they have in the truck... and I'm just thinking "oh fuck, he's gonna blow this punkass away... and i'm less than five feet away...fuck fuck fuck fuck" a few moments of my heart pounding in my throat and he pulls out a bigass claw hammer and takes two steps toward the back of his truck...honda dives back into his car, and the marine goes to get back in his truck and drive off... i look back and notice honda is diggign in his car, like he is trying to get under the seat of the car for something... again my mind kicks into overdrive after only about 3-5 seconds of downtime, thinking "fuck, this idiot is digging in his car for a gun!"

now, when i thought the marine was going to shoot honda, in the back of my mind I wasn't scared for myself, because while servicemen do snap, i'd trust a marine to keep sights on target and not cause a lot of collateral damage...but when i thought honda was going for a gun, all i could think was "this idiot is going to pull out a fuckin 9mm and empty the clip...and downrange is a goddamn public park"

but no shots were fired at the intersection, we sped through the green alongside the truck, and about a quarter mile, both the truck and the honda cut down a side street, and we continued home... I hope I don't read about this tomorrow... being a witness in a homocide investigation isn't on my list of life goals... :/

stolen'd from felixpath, as usual

1. What does your FurAffinity name mean and why?
Onyxdragon means...an onyx-scaled dragon... plain and simple... it was chosen way back in my old b.net days playing starcraft... this was way back before the turn of the century, got a lot of compliments on it, people thought it was cool, so I kept it...

2. What fandom were you obsessed with when you joined and what are you into now?
honestly, the only fandom i've extensively involved myself with has been the furry fandom...my interests have also stayed primarily the same over the last 10 years since i discovered it...

3. How many watchers do you have now?
88

4. Name 3 of your favorite artists on FA.
rukis, slyus, accelo

5. Do you comment, fav, or both?
Both, but faves are rare...

6. Do you participate in clubs' contests here on FA?
Rarely

7. What is your most popular submission?
based on stats, no contest... http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2268971/

8. What are your favorite non-anime TV shows?
Robot Chicken, Mythbusters, Gargoyles, all 3 mcfarlene animated shows...

9. What are the things you wish you could draw better?
everything

10. Summer or winter?
spring actually...

11. Rain or Sun?
overcast, so neither

12. What's your favorite type of music?
disney...

13. PC or Mac?
pc

14. Anime or Manga?
anime

15. Coke or Pepsi?
either

16. Read or TV?
both

17. How many hours a day do you spend on FA?
Way too many.

18. Name a hidden talent.
uncanny ability to think up obscure things... that and sometimes I can BS like a fuckin champ...

19. Flash or traditional cartoons?
Traditional

20. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
Wendys

21. What are your top 3 favorite books?
books, instead of series... Sword of Shannara, Wizards First Rule, Tailchasers Song

22. Wii or Playstation?
Playstation

23. Name 3 of your favorite bands/singers.
Elton John, Garth Brooks, Barenaked Ladies

24. Are you a fast, slow, or medium typist?
I think i can type pretty fast when i want to... but i need a full size keyboard

25. Do you like Denny's?
Hooburrito, hell fuckin ya... otherwise, i can take it or leave it...

26. What is your favorite smiley?
:9

27. What is your favorite type of pie?
cheesecake, then a tie between that chocolaty creamy pie and pumpkin...

28. Have you ever stayed up for 24 hours?
stayed up, hell, I drove to cincinnati and back once when i lived in AR... i was awake and behind the wheel for almost 30 straight hours...

29. Do you go on YouTube a lot?
Yeah

30. Are you a member on any other sites besides FA?
Yeah

31. Do you cosplay?
not exactly... does it count if you own cosplay outfits for the purposes of showing off cutesy and naughty for your masters?

32. Fruits or sweets?
Fruits, good peaches, apples, oranges... mrrr

33. Buttered, plain, or salted popcorn?
Buttered AND salted... like, coronary inducing...

34. Have you skipped school?
Yes, but only because the school policy on tardiness was retarded... "so if i'm more than fifteen minutes late for first period... then you're going to act like i didn't show up until lunchtime???" *YEP* "oh, well, then if i'm gonna be that late, don't wait up for me, I'll cya at lunch...

35. Have you been on a plane?
A handful of times, not a real big fan...

36. Have you swam in an ocean?
once

37. Have you been ice skating?
Not in a long time, but... its so fun

38. Favorite vacation spot?
Niagara Falls, or Daytona Beach...

39. Ever been on TV?
i've been "on" the news twice? always in the background... once when they did a piece at the local college back home, another time at the central Arkansas gay pride rally a few years back, I was in the background, i was like the only person there on the street watching the parade... there were some protestors at the end of the parade route tho...

40. Favorite salad and dressing?
I make my own salad...and thousand island...like, drenching it...

41. What do you do to relax?
mostly just veg, couch with laptop and netflix...

42. What is the last film you saw in the theater?
3 musketeers, just like, what, a week ago?

43. Favorite Sandwich?
pork bbq..

44. If you could go anywhere in the world?
hmm...Japan...

45. Favorite time of the day?
evening

46. What did you want to be when you were little?
paleontologist...face it, i grew up in the JP generation, we all wanted to be like Dr. Grant...

47. What do you want to be now?
engineer, maybe a nuclear engineer

48. If you could eat with one person, who would it be?
hmm... not sure...

49. What character would you hate to be stuck in a room with?
barney...

50. When is your birthday?
5-5-84, cinco de mayo baby

51. Favorite type of ice cream?
cookie dough

52. Last book you read?
started to read Atlas Shrugged...regretted it XD

53. Which store would you max out a credit card at?
Best Buy, or any dedicated computer store

54. Do you buy / sell / both on eBay?
buy, sometimes...

55. What is the most annoying thing people ask you?
can't really think of anything

56. Favorite all time movie?
The Crow, or The Lion King

57. What was your favorite show when you were a kid?
lots of em, but definitely Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Gargoyles, and most of the Disney themed shows...

58. What are you listening to right now?
watching The Colony, season 1, on netflix, growling at how i keep thinking about how i would do things, and half the time they're better than how the colonists are doing it...

59. What is the last thing you ate?
if i wasn't being distracted with this meme, i would be eating chicken strips...

60. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
pink

61. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
definitely what they're wearing...

62. Favorite sport to play?
Mini-golf, or paintball

63. Favorite Day of the Year?
usually either Halloween or Christmas, depending...

64. Hugs or Kisses?
Both

65. Vanilla or Chocolate?
Both!

66. Favorite Board Game?
Monopoly, or if we're doing obscure ones...shadows over camelot...

67. Favorite smells?
food, definitely cooking food...

68. What inspires you?
Music, loved ones, sappy tv stuff

69. Do you have any piercings?
Nope. want em tho, lots of em

70. How many siblings do you have?
2, had a 3rd, but he died...

71. Bacon Bits or croutons?
croutons, definitely

72. Favorite Day of the Week?
currently thursday, my dedicated day off every week

73. Favorite phrase?
dunno...

74. Favorite Restaurant?
good chinese or sushi

75. Favorite animal?
lions, wolves, and coyotes...

76. Favorite thing to do outside?
walking in the woods

77. Favorite thing to do when it's raining?
just relax, be inside and maybe watch it rain a little

78. Favorite Disney character?
mmm, Simba, definitely...

79. Do you like coffee?
Not really, but I love cappucino, which is really just fancy coffee

80. Tag 3 people.
nah...

or weeks XD lets see...
tuesday, we had folks over, one couple came, apparently there was drama and he got pissed at her and started a scene... then left when she got upset at him... and then the next three hours were spent dealing with him threatening suicide...

wednesday i got up, power company showed up while I was messing around before work, shut our power off for maintenance but didn't warn us... so I backed out of the driveway around the first truck to go get an early lunch at 2... came back at 2:30 and a second truck was COMPLETELY blocking the driveway, so i ended up wandering around town for an hour before I just said screw it and went to work a half hour early...manager heard my story and clocked me in early... then I was scheduled out at 11, but we got wicked busy all the way up to close so I got stuck closing... didn't get out of the store until like 2...and I was too busy to stop and eat...so like 12 hour shift...and 12 hours without eating... I was getting irritable... ended up not actually getting to sleep until sunup...

thursday, thank god I was off, but i was asleep at 7...housemate woke me at 11 to ask if he could borrow 10 bucks to take his girlfriend out, which I was happy to loan him...unfortunately I couldn't get back to sleep no matter what I tried so I just sat up for...freakin...ever... ended up getting sucked out of the house at like 5...6...and didn't get home until 2 in the morning, again...

friday... I woke up rather grumpy, but i did, got ready, went to work... slow...as...FUCK... I literally was struggling to find shit to do... then, this is the good part... I go out on a delivery, and my car starts overheating... I do what I can to cool it down on the way back to the store, then the stress of thinking how I needed to be ready for the next delivery made me act on a BAD habit from my familys racing days... (dirt track, stock cars...between heats you don't have time to let the engines cool down so you grab a towel and pop the radiator caps carefully and spray the whole mess with cold water and pump the cold water in to get it ready for the next heat). I grabbed my towel from behind the seat, and my water jug, and popped the radiator cap... here is where things get fun...normally this was never a problem on the track, because we used bigass cars with bigass radiators...well, a tiny car with a tiny radiator... i think that would explain why the explosive pressure that came was far more than what I was used to...blew the cap clean off and the blast blew the towel out of my hand...I got a blast from the radiator full on the left side of my face...fortunately there wasn't any lasting damage, just a tingling sensation for a while and a little bit of numbness... but if I hadn't cooled it down on the way back with the wind it could have been a catastrophe... then while I'm recovering from that and pouring water back in... the closing driver shows up and gets fired on the spot... and manager looks at me and says "you feel like closing tonight?" ...fuck...no... fortunately one of the other drivers was perfectly willing to cover the closing shift... i was in at 3... and if I'd closed, I wouldn't have gotten OUT of the store until 3... nuh uh...

saturday, friends are all doing shit, of course without me, because I have to work...though i wouldn't be welcome at half of the events anyway because the member of our group organizing the outings apparently doesn't like me...for some stupid fucking reason... he expressly didn't invite me to his bachelor party, or his wedding, and I was excluded from going to see Green Lantern...

Sunday, no fucking clue...and oh, just joyous... I'm scheduled this coming Thursday from 4-11:30, almost EXACTLY the span of time we had a group gaming thing scheduled...

...my....fucking...brain...hurts... >.>

thats right folks...I have spent the last 3 hours watching hulu and meticulously catalogging information and screenshots regarding the drama I am involved in right now... and now I'm getting my ass to bed, I have work in 11 hours... thank GOD I'm out of the store before 9 tonight... I don't want to get stuck closing and not getting to go home until 2am... CRINGE... as for what I mentioned above, I will be uploading ALL of those screenshots and I might even find a host for the original logs... if you want to discuss it further, you have my messengers... but from 3 to 8 tonight I won't be home, and don't expect me to chat before I go to work... (remember you hammer wielders, 24 hours is the standard, I've seen the powers that be SAY IT, 24 hours...dont dig the hole any deeper...)

now, I leave this thought to those of you who might get it...
bad boys bad boys...whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you... >.>

funny thought... what defines mature? not maturity but something being as regarded for a "mature" audience? what defines something as being sexual?

does something qualify as being mature by simply BEING provocative? are ALL fetishes inherently sexual, and as such are all fetishes to be regarded as being for a mature audience?

what standard does the fandom judge things like this? by what standards does FA judge this? is there a uniform standard by which judgments are made in either form? or is it simply "one person says this, and if we like them we'll agree with them" ???

the reason I ask these things is, some of you have been subjected to such discrepancies in judgement, some of my other friends have been subjected to such discrepancies in judgement, and some of my watch list have been subjected to such discrepancies in judgement...

in one case, one of you had multiple pieces that belonged to another artist... line art they had given you permission to color, and in your description you had explained this... yet those works were taken down by a moderator who cited the AUP (even though those works did still fall under AUP guidelines)

in another case, friends post pictures of their crossdressing outfits, wearing girly things, cuffs, collars, etc... and are left alone...in another case still, just because someone is wearing a "pup hood" their pictures get deleted... admins cite that certain other articles (such as leashes) are allowed for costume purposes, and that the hood pictured is "a fetish hood"...whenever by comparison, every convention i've been to has contained within conduct rules, NO LEASHES because of the sexual connotations associated with them, and yet not once has a pup hood (the pictured model included) EVER...EVER been questioned (not even by the hyper aggressive DIs...)... in even ANOTHER case, if we want to say that fetish is automatically sexual... there are FA admins who have fetish-themed pics in their galleries of themselves...in fursuit or gear...

in still another case... I ask this one... why is it that a vendor is unable to get a booth at some conventions...because of the same line of thinking mentioned previously...and then a company like Bad Dragon is easily able to obtain a booth? you don't want kinky shit being sold at your convention and then you want to sell dragon dildos and cum lube?

---
really...what standards of administration and conduct do we have??? we as a fandom have been so...wishy washy... its REDICULOUS...

if you do read it you may have stumbled across this article... http://financiallyfit.yahoo.com/fin.....=ad0035&nc

and reading through these sample interview questions, I find myself going over them in my head... the funny thing is the ones I could actually reason out... I am posting this here because...well...if anyone reads it, they might get a little of how my mind works sometimes... now, I don't know if these are actually correct or not... and these are not thought out, they are my initial thoughts in my head... my "first response" if you will...

10x10x10 rubix cube, remember, how many cubes, not how many faces, you start with one side, thats 100 cubes, then you move to another side, which will have 90 additional, then another 90, then you've made it back around, subtracting another 10 leaving you with 80... past this, you have the top & bottom which have lost the entire outer ring of 36 which leaves those two sides with an additional 64 each... total number of painted cubes is equal to 100+90+90+80+64+64...

which lights? what kind of light bulbs are they? nearly every kind of bulb gives off heat to some degree, so I would touch each bulb...the one that just turned on when I opened the door will be cooler to the touch than the other one thats been on all the time...

volts to power an offshore rig? it is either tricky or vague... not enough information is provided...

how many car dealerships in the US? this is a BS question, basically you need to provide a reasonable presumption to lead to a solid number...such as how for x population there is y dealerships... you're not really helping him get a nearly accurate answer, you're trying to convince him you aren't full of ****

26*27 = 260...520...780...702 if you understand that thought process you are quite capable of performing such computations in your head...

coin flips to simulate a d6? that is a fallacy really, but the closest you can come is to flip it five times and assume one result is 1 and the other is 0... start at 1... so if you flip 5 times and heads is 1, and you get 3 heads then you have 4... why 5 flips instead of 6? because if you didn't have a solid starting point then you could POTENTIALLY get 0, which is not a result on a d6...

not sure what I'm doin, aside from being up later than I should listening to stupid music and feeling shitty for one reason or another... anywho... got to thinkin, I say things and people occasionally say they don't know/remember me telling them about it...so...

kitten was born may 5, 1984, in Dardanelle Arkansas, one of the last babies delivered at that hospital before they rerouted across the river... My mom n dad, and my older brother... my dad served in the army and spent time in Germany...he also had an accident at some time in the early to mid 80s where he broke his neck, luckily he WASNT wearing his seatbelt because the truck was annihilated...he spent some time in a HALO and has the dimples in his head to prove it. when I was a wee tot I apparently had a few ER visits...for swallowing lighter fluid once...another for giggling and walking into a forklift fork head on and takin a chunk out of my forehead. My family operated (and still does) a pallet company (you know those wooden skids wal mart puts product on to move around the store...the big ass blue ones?) so admittedly I was spoiled for a chunk of my childhood, although not completely...we still only got CBS and NBC on our television. I spent all my life going to church, a Pentecostal church in fact, and to this day I am still a rather devout Christian who admittedly is rather flawed. I was taught how to handle cows, and shoot, and other things, by the time I was 10. conversely, I also had a cow step on my leg and shatter it when I was really young (all I remember is my grandpa helping me into the truck to go to the hospital) doctor's doubted I'd be able to walk for a long time.go figure I'm so damn stubborn *laughs a bit* I didn't even have the cast off before I was walking again. my cousin hit me in the head with a rock and cracked open the opposite side of my head. In the third grade I got some wacky notion in my head and wanted to cut a piece of wood. Well, my hand slipped and I was lucky to keep my finger...3 times in my life I've had to have myself stitched up, and I have conscious memories of all of them (the first two I remember a few moments before, and a few flashes of the ER...the finger I remember every detail, of which I am thankful for because my grandfather was the one that first realized I'd hurt myself). I regularly would go to the race track next door to my grandparents place, it was always a nice place to go and enjoy the small town redneck life.

on the downside again... by the time I was ten...I had lost one of my great grandmothers, whom we ate at her house regularly...and my grandfather died too not but a year later. I still remember huddled in the backseat of the car crying and begging God to let him be okay... I still miss him... I wasn't even 10 I don't think... another thing I thought about a lot was this pair of girls we took care of as part of a church program (they were from the Tupelo Children's Mansion, if you've heard of it) they were both such sweet girls, but they had such sad upbringings... one of them, I remember, her dad killed her mom and if I recall correctly, the only thing she had left from her mom was a pair of her socks...I still think about the two of them a lot too... I really hope they have had good lives...one was my age, the other a few years older...as a young child, my father was an alcoholic, and I remember several times he and my mother having fights... four in particular I can remember rather clearly...1> my mom tossing me and my brother in the car, and then the two of them cursing and yelling at each other in the driveway... 2> my mom and dad screaming and throwing dishes at each other until the cabinet was empty...I was so...I don't know...I just silently helped my mom pick up the shards out of the carpet...and told her I would use my allowance to buy new dishes... 3> my birthday one year, i can't even remember what they fought about, but the conclusion was my dad forbid my mother to come to my birthday dinner and I ran and hid...I was so scared...I didn't want to go to dinner if someone else couldn't go... 4> all I can remember is a rather rough one... my mom huddled up in the bathroom saying "i'll be good... i'll be good" after they'd had a fight... also had a scare one night, i was 7 or 8... my older brother had crashed his bike. someone brightlighted him going into a corner and he took out a fence...broke his arm...

between 5 and 10, I thought a lot about various things... what this "gay" thing was I kept hearing about in the news from time to time... why someone would blow up a federal building (terrorism was still an alien concept to me back then) and the brutality of the OJ trial...I didn't know who he was before then, but I still followed the trial... everyone did...I kept myself as busy as I could with my chlidhood...nintendo...disney... things like that... the various traumas I managed to repress fairly well with time... when I was in the 6th grade, we all decided to add to the family... my mother wasn't sprouting crops after I was born, so we had a friend of ours be a surrogate mother to my little brother. I remember to this day, sleeping in the car while everyone was inside with the midwives...the place was right next to the train tracks... we got to eat lunch at Wendy's with the little guy in the car... his name, steven... admittedly I'm horrible with dates, he was born in September though...he, mom, and dad, all 3 are in the same week...

after that things were lookin up, I got to move to a new school because the old one was screwing me over (I got the shit beat out of me and charges ended up following... the school people ended up looking really stupid, so my mom did her damnedest to get me into a more reputable school district) I had more friends...I had a better allowance and was able to save up to buy my own video games now (step one to becoming un-spoiled)...shoot, by the time I was 14 my older brother had made me his drinking buddy! we were even going to get another little brother, this girl we all met was having a baby and didn't want it, so we agreed to adopt him... Jonathan ^_^

I went into high school about the time Jon was born, I was in the school's JROTC program, doin exceedingly well... I was in the top 10%, had a lot of friends, plenty of respect, my brother was getting married and they invited me over regularly to hang out and stuff...we'd sit around, watch movies, chill, drink, you know... at the end of freshman year, I went to Ft Leonard Wood MO for a JROTC summer program. I learned a lot about myself (particularly that I only wanted to join the army to prove to myself that I could do it... which the summer program proved...) I met a girl too, that had a kid, I was thinking about being with her because hey, I was willing to give up a lot of things to be a parent...

then, I was chilling at home one day over the summer break between freshman and sophomore year... my kid brother Steven had been gettin ill a lot lately, and we couldn't figure it out... after almost two months of doctor to doctor skipping...they all called me at home to tell me... "Steven has cancer... i-its pretty bad..." ...which meant... after me and my older brother looked around a bit... Steven had around a hundred tumors in his body...stage 4 Neuroblastoma... the doctor said literally that you couldn't put your palm on his body anywhere without touching one of them... his statistically chances of survival were less than 0.15%...apparently the doctors tried to get people around us to keep us from getting "too attached" ...this is why I'm so religious... two different incidents...we got him to our church to have him prayed for, and the very next set of tests (as well as visible improvement in his condition within an hour of the prayers) were, as the doctors put it... "night and day" ...and later on, he had to go through a bone marrow transplant, which left him in Isolation for a while (BMP leaves your immune system completely wrecked) where this young child told everyone "jesus came in and said I was gonna be alright" and then swore up and down it wasn't our pastor or anyone else that had been visiting the hospital recently... in all of his time undergoing chemo and BMP, he never got sick (again, quoting docs "guts of steel" ) and get this...BMP usually knocks your immune system out for months..the hospital's record was over a month, and the kid told the doctors flat out "I'm goin home for christmas...watch me" and he went in at the start of December... kid shattered their record and they actually felt he would be safe coming home for a few hours on christmas... to this day the only sign anything ever went wrong, is the fact he is so much shorter than other kids his age (which says a lot, considering he is almost as tall as me... I'm so damn short...)

the next set of crashes came a few years after all of this...I was in college, first year...I'd graduated from HS, had a relationship with a girl since my junior year... She had an older brother, but he'd died...whether from suicide or accidental death, they didn't really know... we'd dated for like 3 months before doing ANYTHING, almost a year before we had sex...trouble was, by this time I'd actually come out to her as being bi, and the rollercoasters started... of course, then there was other things... a close friend of our family drowned in the lake nearby while playing with an RC boat his father got him. my brother's marriage shattered because his wife had turned into a total bitch...cue custody battle for the kids... his new girlfriend (now his wife), her brother was executed in a gas station robbery. Kid was trying to pay his own way through college, even though his folks could have paid every cent... but yeah, moving up and on, here I was, came home one night, nobody home (odd, but not unlikely). I was just chilling out on the computer when my gf and my cousin show up, and...Jon had died...he was only 5, and he'd been a diagnosed epileptic, and his medication had ended up causing an adverse reaction...he suffered multiple organ failure and couldn't be resuscitated. I had reasons (valid ones no less) to blame myself... and so I did, for almost six months... for six whole months I bottled my shit up and blamed myself, all the while dealing with the fact I was falling in love with my best friend, a sweet guy I'd met, and my gf was having trouble dealing with it too... eventually I stumbled in the door one day, went to the closet, grabbed a 9mm that my dad kept in the hall closet, loaded it... and held it to my temple...I wanted so much to just be selfish... it was so easy to cut myself to make the pain stop, but it always came back...I just wanted it all to go away...I didn't want to hurt people, I'd killed my baby brother because I hadn't looked into the medication he'd been prescribed...because I hadn't been there when his body shut down... (irrational yes...I know) I wanted to die, because it was just... I laid there on the floor, trying to will myself to pull the trigger...but I couldn't do it...I wanted so much to be selfish, but I kept thinking about my family...and how my gf and my best friend (a future bf) had sworn to me when they saw me slipping months back... "if you do it...we'll follow..." Finally, I unloaded it and put it away, and for years I never told a soul...

finally, my gf told me one day... that she was going to leave me, not because she didn't love me, but because she could see that I was forcing myself to "be straight" and that I deserved true happiness...we remain friends to this day...I ended up moving in with her for about six months before economic reasons forced us to move out. I dated my best friend for a while, about 4 months, before he broke up with me because we were too...different...alike? i never quite really understood... we don't talk a whole lot anymore, but I still care about him, and I'm very proud of him (I am hon, if you read this, I'm proud of who you are, who you were, and all that). I ended up in a relationship with a fox a ways out, and he introduced me to a few nice people... one of which I live with now, and another of which has been a great inspiration in my life. we dated for about 3 years, before some shit happened which he couldn't (or wouldn't) atone for, and so I moved on... I didn't stop loving him...I still love him...but you can't be with someone that doesn't respect you or themselves...anywho, at some point in those 3 years I was a bit of a halfway house for blundering fools... a close friend who had some issues, but he is a good kid through and through... a homophobe who ended up getting thrown out because he was a blithering idiot and threatened me...a furry drama queen who...well...lets just say that he has been all over from oklahoma to new york at least, hopping around from bedroom to bedroom... a guy that was good and responsible for himself, but his pet responsibilities were a bit lacking... and then there was my panda pal... I had just gotten moved into a trailer home as opposed to a crummy 2 room apartment...me, panda, and my buddy (also named will) moved in...we all lived there for two whole years, and we did decent... though we had to deal with my aunt and then my grandfather on dad's side, they both died...

the upside to all my grief, over the time from about 05-08 I was doing well, to an extent, and I started to truly come into my own... started to travel more, attended the cons I could, and befriended a few people...now, I have friends and lovers I would gladly die for, I love them that much...although I find myself more often wanting to wring their necks *chuckles* but... I also had a 3 year stint of taking martial arts courses...

Of course, I was also outed during this time...around 2005 or 2006... and my parents are just now getting around to truly dealing with it... and eventually, in late 2009, I moved up here to Ohio to live with my panda pal on his home soil. I had a job for about 9 years, until late 08, when I ended up unemployed and unable to get work in the crappy economy back in Arkansas... but up here I was promised a job, which I worked hard at until June of 2010 when we all quit because our boss was being sued for unethical behavior (things like...embezzlement?). i've been trying to get a job since, and it has been a HORRIBLE chore :/

of course, all clouds have a silver lining... kitten has had blessings for most curses... I got to spend time with Felix when I was still employed... my foxie ex introduced me to a dear dear friend now...who in turn introduced me to a few wonderful friends... now we are all sorta a family ^_^

and now...I've been typing for two whole hours... I don't know what to say except...screw this, I'm going to sleep... and if anyone wants to...punch a Sam's Club employee today... they have been jerking me around for two weeks and its pissing me off...

bear in mind, this is my opinion, and I offered it as a comment on the page for the new Ava-policy "your comment has been sent, but it will be shown after moderator approval" soo, I figured I'd lodge this one in my brain by making a journal about it...

just a note, given society, I find it hard to believe that "bouncing boobs" and "jiggling butts" are really TOO suggestive...By this way of thinking, any general-tagged piece of artwork could be considered sexually charged simply because of a female character having a BUST...hell, the very concept of furry females is "offensive" to a lot of non-furs... by that token, what workplace would someone get in trouble in for looking at a community page where someone has a (clothed) "bouncing boob" ava, but wouldn't get in trouble for just browsing otherwise? as a member of plenty of other forums and community groups, I would like to point out there are for more "suggestive" things used as avas on there without people getting their panties in a wad...

to explain, you go to a lot of forums, things such as... car forums, for example... I remember back in my days of browsing honda forums, I would see anime girls with bouncy boob avas, and their shirts were honda shirts... people thought they were cool... this comes back to the concept of "furry is unacceptable" because most people don't have a problem with human characters in that kind of pose or jiggling their jumblies... or the other side of the issue, which is RL sexual in nature...the idea of a woman getting offended by the avatar some person umpteen-hundred miles away uses as their avatar... and then going home and watching television without even a shred of understanding of the irony of the situation...

bottom line... its just another example of the fact that people USUALLY only get offended at a person, not at something like a name or avatar... it happens in online shit ALL THE TIME, even on here...person A doesn't like person B, so person A finds some textbook i that didn't get dotted, and QQs about it to get person B in trouble... maybe it is a character/guild/team name in WoW, and you PK'd the douche that reported you and he got butthurt... or maybe someone just doesn't like you on FA and so they dog your gallery looking for a reason to get you in trouble (which I have seen happen) but I just think sometimes people really need to lay off the cheez its and just think for a second about where the line really is...

[edit] something else that just occurred to me, that can fall into one of two schools of thought, either the "you know, you're right" school, or the "wah wah, too bad so sad" school... if I were an admin, I would really try to refrain from anything that involved banning avatars that had reached widespread use simply due to the fact that people actually pay money for artists to make good quality ones, especially the animated ones...naturally if you can find a damn good reason to ban it, then yeah, but I would think that wouldn't have been a grey area in the first place...and it should have been dealt with AS it was becoming popular, not months down the road, after probably hundreds or possibly thousands of dollars have shifted hands... one must always remember, if you go around and piss off large clusters of people at a time, eventually you go the way of atari... sega... or Bleem...

further curiousity... i'm guessing "calvin peeing" style avatars are banned too, which falls into what degree of socially acceptable? because calvin peeing stickers have been in widespread use for almost 20 years and are about as offensive as as...well...not very offensive thing... "NO FEAR" stickers are more offensive than them... lol... actually, I'm a christian and I am more tolerant of calvin peeing stickers than calvin praying stickers, but thats just a bit of digression...

meh, figure I'll get this one outta the way too :)

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
yes, and some I have...

2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
honestly, I prefer afternoon/night, but morning is good too (ever woken up to being mounted? <3 swoon)

3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
yknow, I don't usually care, but I seem predisposed to choosing the left hand side (curiously enough, its always been the easiest to get up from or closest to the door... I have a quirk where I tend to do that, even in restaurants I tend to sit facing the exits for some reason)

4. Do you masturbate?
yes

5. How often? Lately?
enough to probably cover the demand for a sperm bank on a daily basis...

6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
can't say I have for money...yet... though to be honest I might have at some point and not recall...

7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
I prefer baths, honestly...hot, steaming baths...

8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
mmm, both...

9. Do you watch/read pornography?
watch it, read it, make it~

10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
I prefer aggression... someone to sweep me off my feet and lay me down and ravage me... with or without tying me up first ^_^

11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
love is a strong word... that said, yes, I do love several people on my friends list very deeply...

12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
nope, I "know" a lot of them though, and I have met over a dozen of them ^_^

13. Would you choose love or money?
Love...always...

14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
heavy bondage (the more restrictive, the better)
breath-play
humiliation/degradation (this includes being used as a toy)

15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
not sure I really understand the question entirely, but as far as sex goes, I don't think anyone has ever offended or hurt me emotionally...

16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
bed, bedroom... my friend's actually...

17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
wierd? I can't really say wierd...but the craziest... gave head in a public bathroom

18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
caught... define...I have had a housemate walk in on me having sex...he did it regularly actually XD every time he had something he wanted to show me he'd just walk into my room without knocking... and go "oh...well, when you're done come to my room"

19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
actually, just yesterday, for the first time...friend won a party, free food and some free drinks...

20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
just for sex, hell no...

21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
no, though me and my then-boyfriend were kicked out of a bowling alley, apparently the owner didn't like us for some reason or other...

22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
nope

23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
yes

24. What's your sexuality?
poly-amorous, (almost exclusively) homosexual, probably nymphomaniac

25. Had sex in a movie theater?
actually no, had the chance though, second time I watched Ice Age, nobody else in the theater but us, we sat against the back wall and instead of doing that, we just made fun of the movie---

26. Had sex in a bathroom?
yes :D

27. Have you ever had sex at work?
heh...hehee... yeeeees XD

28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
several

29. Bought something from an adult store?
probably broken into four figures by now... if not i'm close...

30. Do you own any sex toys?
no, I spent around a thousand dollars on condoms and lube, or gifts for others... YES I OWN SEX TOYS
;
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
depends on what you consider a sex toy... i own several dildos and plugs andwhatnots that i ram up my tail, but i also own some bondage stuff too...

32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
several hundred pictures, and multiple videos of lengths from a couple of minutes to as much as 10 minutes

33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
nope, thought about it but... i'm not that mean XD

34. Have you ever had phone sex?
yup, lots

35. Have you ever had cyber sex?
heh...yeah...plenty

36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
kinda...

37. What's your favorite sexual position?
honestly, favorite... doggy, gotta say doggy...

38. What's your favorite sex act?
torn between oral or rimming...

39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
yes

40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?
meh... guts? who cares... XD i'll see if Siber will but hes probably gonna already kidney punch me for pestering him XD

just a warning, I'm drunk so if there are any glaring typos I apologize...also, I apologize for glaring honesty... thank you and here we go!

1: Soft/hard/Cv/soul/unbirth/anal vore?

All of the above? though, unbirth, CV, and AV are my favorites
---
2: Feet first or Tail first?

hmm, not really much of a preference, but I do like feet first a little bit more so I can look into the other party's eyes ^_^
---
3: Mammals, birds, reptiles, or other?

hey, a snack is a snack, right? who can be picky?
---
4: Pred or Prey?

i'm about 95% prey, if not more...
---
5: Unwilling or willing?

I'll occasionally go willingly, or get suckered into it...but my preference is to go kicking and screaming (or grunting if I'm gagged)
---
6: loving or nonloving (just eating to eat, or for the joy of it)

either or....but really, a meal is a meal...you don't make out with the thanksgiving roast, do you?
---
7: Digestion?

I prefer it, but I also tend to go with my partner's prefs most of the time, so if they want kitty to go gurlge, then so shall I~
---
8: Fatal or nonfatal?

well, see above~
---
9: Dark or lighthearted?

either or, depends on the mood of myself and my playmate...
---
10: Same size, micro, or macro? (prey)

preferably same size
---
1: Can you reform your prey? If so, how do you do it? If you are a prey, only, write something

generally I handle vore non-canon, and we just do each rp as a unique experience, so no...no ferormation...
---
2: Do you like pure preds? Are you one? If not, why?

yes, I love pure preds...there is just something sexy about someone so certain about what they want...
---
3: Does your pred/prey have powers? what are they if yes? (If no powers, then how do they fight/defend?)

nope! just sheer sexual prowess...if you get your prey nice and helpless, how can they defend themselves?
---
4: What does your pred think of willing prey? If your char is prey, are they willing or nonwilling?

willing prey can be fun, but overall, its more fun when they beg and squeel... (or rather, its more fun for me to beg and plead on the way down...or up...)
---
5: Your prey starts begging you not to eat them! How does the predator react? (If you are prey, disregard or write something random.)

I would treat begging prey just like I hope to be treated when I beg... a chuckle and another gulp...or slurp...or even a belch...anything that says "I don't care how much you beg, you're dinner and thats that"
---
6: What does your pred prefer to eat? (fave foods) If your char is prey, tell us if you have a predator preference (macro, macro mammal, dragon, ect.)

no preference, really... though I must admit, there is a certain hot-ness to cannibalism (feline species) and pred-prey reversal (such as a rodent eating a feline)
---
7: Is your pred competitive with any other predator? If your char is prey, do they have contests of who can get eaten the most?

competitive, nope... sorry
---
8: What sort of prey does your pred hate the most? (taste wise) If your char is prey, then tell us if they are afraid of any kind of pred.

as a prey, my char is afraid of any pred that will turn them into fat/scat/etc...
---
9: What is your pred's holding capacity? (how much can they eat?) If your char is prey, disregard or write something random. OR tell us how long you could last in acids.

as a prey, my char could last as long as the pred's stomach lets me...
---
10: Now tag a few people!

hmm... I could always tag :icon:sibertigr

http://www.fox16.com/news/local/sto.....w.cspx?rss=315

I...I don't know what to say... if I start thinking about it, I'm not gonna be able to stop laughing...

My buddy and housemate,  sibertigr is opening himself up for commissions, and he's really pretty decent, check him out, he could really use the money*...

tell him I sent ya...or else he'll think I'm useless and beat me with an extension cord+... please?

*He really kinda could
+He won't actually beat me with an extension cord

Offer good while supplies last, or as long as he actually keeps himself open.