Or at least a chunk of it anyways.

This is obviously another vent journal, so do what you will with it.

A small portion of my family that I deal with on a regular basis isn't bad. My mother and sister being the main two as far as that goes. My stepdad has been a pain in the ass ever since he came into our lives like 10 or whatever years ago now. I mostly tolerate him because he's useful in certain situations. But considering he won't let us bring the dogs to christmas, it's fairly hard for me to tolerate him. Let alone the fact that he's a trumper and a cop. Then there's my brother in how he's pretty much lost his shit recently. Between him getting really political all of a sudden and being in this church/cult that he goes to all the time.

My uncle is the one that has mostly been on my shit list as of late. The real problem with him is that we rent the place we live at from him. So if something needs done with this place, we have to convince him to do it. Which usually ends up being like pulling teeth. The real annoyance is he has a good job and we know he has money to take care of things. He may not technically be rich, but he's at least well off. At least more so compared to most other people out there.

Lately we've had several issues that needed taking care of and because I knew he'd be difficult with me, I had to talk to my mother to talk to him to convince him not to cause problems and to help with it. The mower broke a few weeks back. We've had issues with the drive belt, I'm assuming it slipped off while I was using it, got caught and ripped the back axle off the frame of the mower. Along with who knows what other damage may have happened. So he came over, looked at it and of course decided he was going to find a place to get it fixed. Mind you it's a 13 year old mower and who knows what else needs fixed on it at this point. So, whatever, he found a place, finally decided to break down and let them pick it up for the extra $100. Since we have no way to take it there ourselves. In the meantime, we needed to find someone to mow the lawn. Along with when he was over now all of a sudden he's concerned about fixing the garage door. A good many years ago now the automatic door opener ripped the arm piece off the door and bent it in the process.

I had someone lined up to mow the lawn, my uncle agreed to it and they were to come on monday. I also had someone come over and give us an estimate on the door on friday. It was like 400 to fix it and around 2000 to install a new door. I didn't care either way, since he was the one paying for it. They said, and I agreed with them, the door is too messed up, especially with what it was made out of, to repair it. They could brace it, but its going to need to be replaced in a year or so either way. Well of course he shot that down either way and he's just hell bent on fixing it. Because his brother fixed his. But that looked like a wooden door and the damage wasn't as extreme. After that I was tempted to just rip the door down and act like it feel off on it's own because the guys messed with it when they were here the other day.

Now, fast forward to today. He was supposed to pay the guy for the lawn mowing, because he was coming monday morning. Now all of a sudden it's, "too expensive" and he "doesn't have the money for it". So, while no one is home he decides to have some distant relative come and do it. Well, at this point I'm pissed. Pretty much told my mother I'm not calling the place to pick the mower up to fix it. Because he's screwed me now on these two things. So I'm not calling this place to get and work on the mower, because my luck is I'll get stuck paying for it either way. So he has until this spring to figure it out I guess. Mind you, like I said, he has money. He's just a miser that likes to spend the money how he sees fit. Because he went and threw 8,500 at this people a month ago, like it was nothing, to cut trees down around his other place.

So I'm just pissed at this point. It's why I try to just fix things myself and not involve others, especially him. The annoying bit is I'm back to square one now with all this crap. The mower there's at least time for that. The garage door is still an annoyance. Because if it falls on the car, I'm going to be pissed and he's going to be paying for that either way.

This is something I've semi debated on doing recently with some of my old pokemon cards. There's probably only a handful I'd want to do it with. I have a shadowless charizard, 1st ecition venusaur, 1st edition dark charizard, holo and just the rare and then maybe one or two other older cards. I've only looked into it a little bit. Part of what keeps me from doing it it having to throw money at these services, when they can be hit or miss either way. Where, from what I understand, cards can just get rated bad if the person is having a bad day. That and it's this whole thing of having to spend so much money to get cards sent in. Especially if it's actually worth some money. The actual PSA service is pretty much out of the question. I think they want like $150 to grade my charizard. SGC seems like a better overall experience and more worth it from what I understand. I guess there is the whole option of sending stuff to gamestop and having them send it in for me. But by the looks of it I could run into the same issue. Since they use PSA and I'd still probably be charged "extra fees" for sending in several of my cards. So at that point I'd end up either just saying screw it and trying to sell my cards as is or just sending in like one or two of my cards. Mostly just the ones that would probably be worth the most.

I know a lot of these anymore just tend to be some form of venting, but it's at least a way to fully get my thoughts out there.

Things are just so complicated anymore. I also keep coming to more realizations that just feel like they complicate things even more. So it's just a matter or trying to sort things out here so that they make some sort of sense.

One of my earliest memories, especially from school, was in third grade. I don't remember what exactly what happened or who the people were. All I remember is that they were friends, I said or did something they didn't like and they didn't want to be friends/talk to me again. I know I had other issues with people all throughout school, but I almost feel like it became a pattern for me. I'd have people I thought were friends, some issues happen or some stupid fight and they just dump me. Despite me trying to repair the issues, nothing ever worked. Fast forward to now, how I tend to have more issues with trust and everything else anymore. So I tend to get very frustrated very quickly when I feel like that is happening and I'm not being told the truth by someone. I've had very rare instances where I've been on the end of things where I've cut contact with people. There's a few that I do regret. Suka is the main one that sticks out in my mind. I still wonder if I had tried giving him one more chance if things could have gotten fixed. But at the same time, things were bad with the path he was trying to take and he had burned me too many times at that point.

Then I go to the other end of the spectrum with someone like Syn/Yeen. I'm still just sorry and regret so much with her. I know me having those issues just tends to make my mind spiral. So I get stupid and don't always ask the questions that I should at the time. That and I'll take extremes to try and solve a problem, because that's what my mind tells me is the best solution. Instead of asking some of the questions I probably should have asked. Asking, "you say about not being social, but are you talking to these other people in your free time?" "I feel like you're pushing me away for these new people." "Not saying thank you when I sent you those cookies really hurt me." There's so much I should have tried saying, but I didn't. Instead I just got aggressive with her and it was because my mind thought that would be the way to break through to her. That because of how she would act, it would get her to push back and maybe realize some things. Which it obviously just backfired and in the end I lost her. I still think about it and regret it and am just so sorry I said or did anything that I did. Any reasoning I give for it just sounds like an excuse to me. Even with everything I was going through with other people and all my crap I was constantly dealing with from petco.

These abandonment issues just seem to keep piling on. I've even gone back, to a degree, on being the person that contacts others. Because again if I don't, I'm just left in the dark. So I have to constantly fight myself to not snap at people. Though I'm also at the bad point anymore where i just don't care. I expect this to happen, I don't think of myself highly and expect people to treat me like garbage. So why would others do anything else? At the same time, I don't contact others because of how I'm feeling a lot of times. I feel bad messaging people because I know they'll ask me how I am and I just feel bad having to always tell them shitty. So it's better to just stay in my bubble. That and if I don't make new or have any connections with people anymore, then I can't be hurt and abandoned anymore. So I'm just damned if I do and damned if I don't.

The one semi funny thing for me, if it is true, is that kep and I have discussed the possibility of me being somewhere on the autism spectrum. It would possibly explain a few things with me. Mostly my off the wall thought process at times and just my outbursts of anger that I've pretty much always had. But that all is one of many problems that I may never fully figure out or even solve. Just pretty much another piece of the puzzle.

There's just a lot of things and instances where I wish I could go back to being ignorant. Just be like everyone else and be able to ignore or just not see problems that are going on. But I know that I can't and I have to lay in the bed that I've made. I'm just consumed by regret from so many things anymore. I just feel like all I can do with things like this is to keep saying I'm sorry and fucked up into the void in the hopes that some day I'll get an answer back.

To quote Tokien, "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread."

This is something I've been wanting to type up for a while now. Mostly just didn't feel like taking the time to do it or just feeling like I didn't have the time to do it either way. It's also a matter of starting this here.

Learning about our friend killing himself was a larger blow than I thought it was. Going through a lot of emotions still of feeling frustrated, irritated and just sad about it all still. Mostly in that I never knew things were all that bad with him and wishing we would have talked more. Rather than just getting together to screw around while playing games and such. I don't want to think or say that I hate him for doing what he did, but I know a part of me does. Mostly because I feel like I'm in the same situation as he was and I'm still here dealing with everything. That as miserable as I am, that I would have done more to try and help him if I knew he was as bad as me. It just frustrates me so much still that it all came down to that for him. When I feel like I've been reaching out to people for a while now and it mostly hasn't mattered. I've never expect people to fix any of my issues, but just everyone feels so distant anymore. The sad part is I get anxiety anymore messaging most people or even replying to something from them. In part because of everything that has gone on with me, I'm just super destroyed mentally. I feel like I've just been fighting for so long now and I just don't want to anymore. I'll have people tell me that they care, but then I never hear from them or if I do message them, I just feel like I'm bothering them either way. I've had multiple people just tell me they're busy or something along those lines. But if you're too busy to actually contact someone you say you care about, then what's even the point? Pretty much everyone is busy with something or another anymore, but if your job or whatever else keeps you that busy to even send a message to someone? Then the job is literally sucking your entire life away and isn't worth it. Hell, even as much as I was working at petco and everything going on there I'd still contact people. I guess the real problem is that I've just given way too much of myself to people I thought were friends over the years. And yet I've still attempted to find more people to talk to and try to be friends with. But the sad part is I really feel like I can't anymore even if I did. I keep everyone at arms length anymore, I pretty much don't trust most people anymore, I'm sadly not really given a reason to. Either way, I'm not perfect myself, I'm far from that. Even thinking on that while ago when I was starting to have issues with Syn. It's when I was really starting to have a lot of internal issues with myself. Questioning almost everything when it came to people I knew. Feeling like I wasn't being told the truth on a lot of things and just being lied to. Instances when I'd try to have a talk with someone about how I was feeling and feeling like it was just being brushed off. Then nothing really changed and it would always feel like all the problems were just on repeat. In the end of a lot of instances I would just blow up. Because it felt like it was the only way to get things across that I was really serious about this and they should take it seriously too. Of course it would just go more south at that point and I was always the bad guy in the situation. Again, I'm not perfect, I have and have had my issues. A chunk of them are brought on by myself and I know I'm not the best friend or person that I could be to others. It's always been difficult for me to try and be with people. I know family has never really helped with that. But I've always had issues where someone would happen between me and someone else and no matter how much I tried to fix the situation I was always left. I've rarely had it where someone wanted to make things right and it actually work things out and I wasn't just the bad guy in the situation.

All of this stuff is just the tip of the iceberg anymore. I'm just unhappy. Yeah, there's plenty of things I'm grateful here. Kep, the boys, the place we live in. But at this point we're a bit stuck. This area is horrible and I wouldn't have the money or ability to transplant us somewhere else. So I can't look for a job that I'd really love to have, I can't get away from these shit people here. I told Kep at one point that I just feel like I'm at a midlife crisis at this point. Because I just feel stuck with everything. Everything in this world sucks so much. "Just concentrate on what you have and what you can do" or whatever else people like to say. But it's not that simple. This is literally a ignorance is bliss moment. I feel like compared to so many others, I can see so many things that are bad and wrong and it just drives me crazy that things can't be better. And I'm not just talking about this current election and everything. Things have been bad for a long while and I don't see any way out of it. Pretty much everything, at least in this country, need to be burned out. We'd have to overthrow all these rich assholes that cause all these peoples and I don't ever see that happening. Even seeing crap like, "oh if you work full time or more a week you could be able to afford the nice things in life. If you work part time you should still easily be able to get by and have a good life." But when it comes down to it, you shouldn't have to work full time either way, that shouldn't be a thing. You should be able to work maybe 25-30 hours a week, be able to live a good life and be able to actually live. But things are just so fucked that it would never happen. It's why so many people are so miserable and burned out, even if they don't realize it. I sadly almost wish I could go back to not being able to see things how they are. Because I hate being able to see and know all these things and do nothing about it. I hate the fact that this is my life at this point. Yeah, there's plenty of people that didn't get what they wanted out of life. But what's the point then? People should always be given the option to get out of life what they want. I can't see continuing on this path for however much longer until I die. I used to have instances years back where maybe once or so a month I'd just feel like garbage and depressed. Now a lot of times it can be multiple times a week. It's just become unbearable in a lot of ways anymore and I don't know what to do about it at this point.

There's just so many things going through my mind anymore and I feel like I can't do anything to fix it. I hold onto so much regret about my life as a whole, wishing I could have done more for my dog before he died, about work, about friends, about family. It's just like screaming into the void now, but it's even worse because I see people there and it's just falling on deaf ears. Kep does know about a lot of this, we've talked about a lot of this. Frankly, if I didn't have him, I would have killed myself a long while ago. Even then it still scares me for when we loose one of our dogs that we have now. I know that's a good many years off still, but it's still something that I worry about. Because it's going to break me even more.

I don't know. I just wanted to get this out here. I know I don't post a lot of journals anymore, I don't talk to people a lot anymore and it's really hard for me to post anything on here anymore. It all just feels pointless at this point.

At least been getting into this one recently. Still trying to adjust since I'm still used to everything in world. If anyone wanted to add me at all, this is my account name or whatever it's called in it. 944rm7x4

Nothing against the group that I joined, but I probably won't be posting any recipes for at least a little while anyways. I have some things that I had been wanting to post, but I keep holding back on it because of feeling like I'm obligated to posting the recipes for them if I post the food. But there's a lot of instances where it takes a while to actually type out all the steps and everything. So then I hold back on posting anything because of that. So, if I really really really feel like it and I know it won't be too much typing I'll probably post it. That or if I can just copy and paste it from where I got it, it's mostly just going to be the food for a while.

I've been avoiding posting this for multiple reasons. A large part of it was I was already stressed about the situation and even just typing this up was going to stress me out even more.

Time really seemed like it flew. Not so much in the beginning, but after a while the days just seemed to rush by and I really hated it. Think it was mostly because of it being winter and the short days. But after a while it seemed like once I got things done in the morning and I wanted to get out and do something, most of the day was already gone. Granted, I was going on regular walks with the boys at this point. Anywhere from a half an hour to an hour and a half. On average I was going on hour walks and then I'd also have something planned for dinner that I was putting effort into me cooking it. I didn't mind either, since I was able to spend time with them and I got more practice on cooking things.

I was initially only planning on staying out of work for maybe 2-3 months or so. But having a life again, even if I had to watch spending money, and the stress from working at Petco for 12 years kept me from really wanting to really seriously work again and look for it. That and I couldn't just try to jump on unemployment since I knew they'd force me to look for a job and take whatever came my way. Which wasn't going to happen. Because it was probably going to be worse than petco in some way or another.

Either way for the past 4 months I had been gradually putting out either applications or just asking if places were hiring. I'd end up putting out about two a week and then waiting until the next week to see if I'd actually get some sort of response. It was like a month ago that I was actually able to get an actual interview. It would have just been making ice cream cones either late at night or early in the morning. The only reason that happened is they didn't take an actual resume and just hired someone based on how they liked you. Well, apparently they didn't like me enough, because nothing happened. Hell, the one small coffee place in town was hiring to help make their baked goods. Sent them photos and everything and apparently I still wasn't good enough for them to interview.

Well, at this point I was able to finally land something. It's this kind of crappy little bar that's a few miles away from my house. So the drive isn't bad, but it's the opposite direction from the grocery store that I go to. I'm still surprised they were willing to give me a shot, since they knew I've had no experience actually being a line cook. That's part of the only reason why I took the job. It's mid day shifts so far and only 4 days a week, which is kind of perfect. Though after I'm trained enough they're going to move me to their usual night shifts, which has me worried. Mostly because I could be working until midnight at times. The one thing that at least makes things slightly easy is the food is kind of all garbage/easy food. ^^; It's a lot of quickly cooking up frozen stuff or just frying fries or chicken or something. That and they don't season it at all, not even the fries. So it's not like it's crazy as far as making the food and such.

But I was shocked when they did call me and said they were going to give me a chance and see how things worked. The next 4 days after that I was super stressed. A mix of just having to work again in general, do something new and having to leave the house. As well as just having to leave the dogs and Keg. That and Tsume was going to have to go back in his crate again when no one is home. I've had two shifts too far. I at least like that I don't have to directly deal with any customers, because I had gotten tired of that. Either way when I got home that first day I just bawled. Just from being so emotionally drained and being home with the dogs again. I think a large part of it too is at this point in my life I've just tired of settling and fighting. I know this is a thing with a lot of people, but I still hate that I have this big plan still of what I'd love to do in life, but it just won't be possible for so many reasons. I'm tired of having to settle on a job that I either won't like, will have to work too much, not make much money or all of the above. I figure at the very least if I was to keep trying to do this restaurant thing I can at minimum stay at this place for a year and then try somewhere else. Since I will at least have experience at that point. Otherwise there's a small fish shop in the mall that said they will hire me once they get going more. I don't know, we'll see what happens. I just don't want to be miserable anymore and have to feel like I'm fighting every day of my life.

EDIT:

Meant to add this in as well and remembered it after the fact. So I figured I'd just edit it into the bottom of this. But shit really just needs to be fixed in this country, obviously. But there's no reason as to why people can't make more than enough money to get by and not have to work themselves to death to do it. You should only really have to work 4, hell even 3 days a week, and be able to make enough money to get by and save some. Let alone you shouldn't have to work for most of your life and never get any rest from it. Something needs done one way or another. It's why I always say that the only way to fix things at this point is to burn it all down and start over. Because things are just working way too well for the rich to attempt to fix it.

I'm still just sitting here, not able to go to sleep tonight and I keep crying my eyes out. I haven't felt like this since my dog had died.

Later the other night after I posted that last journal, his sister had gotten back to me. The thing that I was most worried about was true. That Zertagh had ended his own life. I didn't want to ask anymore details than that. I knew it had to be hard for her to think back on it and tell me as much as she did. It's only been a little over two months for them, but it has to sill feel fresh either way. We really want to somehow be able to do something for him and his family, especially his dad. She had told me he was the one to find him.

She had also offered and sent me photos of the letter he left everyone. One specifically for his family and one to his local friend. And at the very bottom of it was a PS to let Kep and I know what happened. I don't blame no one for not reaching out to us and me having to do the digging to find out. This was hard enough on all of them without having to reach out to essentially complete strangers and let them know as well. Honestly, if I had found out in October I probably would have freaked out a lot more.

Either way, I still can't help but blame myself. I know I shouldn't, I know others will tell me that I shouldn't, but I can't help it either way. Because I know how things suck. I know how it is to feel like crap over so many things. That this all seemed so sudden that I should have somehow been able to help. I should have been able to stop it somehow. I should have seen something, but I didn't. This shouldn't have happened, but it did. I know it's one of those things that I've seen and talked about with others before. That it someone wants to do it, they'll just do it and not ask for help or reach out. He's just gone now.

I've had several people tell me that if I ever did that they'd yell at me or hit me or something along those lines. I wouldn't do that with him. I couldn't tell him things will be better, that things will be alright. But I could tell him I'm sorry. That I wish I could have done more. How much he meant to me. That he wasn't just someone that we'd get together with and play games together. That he was a friend and that's not something I say to very many people. I just wish I could have done something to change the outcome. But I couldn't, I didn't. And I'm just sorry that you're not around anymore.

Fuck, this is something I never thought I'd be posting about. Let alone at the start of the year. Anyone that may have watched some of my destiny videos may have noticed someone named Zertagh that we would play with. We had known him since the D1 days. Contact was usually sporadic, but Kep and myself really clicked with him. Since June we really started to play with him more. Mostly because he was out of work at the moment and I had all the time in the world as well from being laid off as well. So, we at least had a third to do most activities with and and he was able to pull us into another group to do some of the raid activities. It was kind of nice to have someone to play with reliably again. That and it was always hilarious when him and Kep would get into their fake spats with each other.

In October I felt like we all were really starting to connect and I did start to consider him an actual friend at that point. We were discussing a lot more personal things and not just screwing around in game. October 21st was the last time we all played together and I didn't hear from him after that. He had been getting stressed out since he said his money was running out and he really needed to find a job. But nothing was coming up. I figured he found a job finally and was dedicating all his time and energy to that. He's done that before. Along with he did explain how he just has a tendency to take off and go radio silent. Him and a friend would do it and then they'd just pick up with each other a while down the road. Though with how things were going I could usually still get him to respond somehow if I sent him something on discord or xbox.

Yesterday I got a bug up my ass and decided to try and find another way to try and contact him. He has his real name on his xbox account, so I started looking that up online. First thing that came up was a obituary from October 22nd. I got concerned, but figured it was a coincidence. I know names match up a lot of times, so I took it with a grain of salt. But reading through it a lot of the details matched up. Age, location, occupation, what he did in his free time, he had an ex wife and a cat. So it got me verry worried. I spent the next several hours trying to find more information, other contacts, someone I could contact and verify things. I just had to find something that mentioned this specific person and my friend's online name together. I ended up hitting a dead end to a degree except for finding an aunt/great aunt on facebook and sending her a message.

Later on I tried to do some more digging. Trying to find his home address to hopefully have it lead somewhere. I managed to find an address and found out that the dad in the post lived there. So, then it was a matter of trying to find out, assuming this was my friend, if he was registered at this location as well. Which I found out the person was and at the bottom of the page it showed an email linked to this person and it had his online tag tied to it.

I don't know what happened, but Zertagh died on October 22nd. I'm still in the process of trying to get a response from someone that lived near him to tell me what happened to him. The only thing I can imagine is that there was some sort of an accident, but I don't know.

I'm still just in shock from everything. I got all the original group together last night to let them know. Because I felt like they deserved to know. Even if we haven't all played Destiny together in a while. For the bit that I knew him Zertagh was a good friend. We always had a good time when we all played together. Either getting through difficult content or just the stupid jokes and crap we would say. One of the last times we played together we all laughed so much that we got headaches from it. He was pretty reliable, which is something that's hard to come by. Even if we constantly joked about how he deleted all his other two characters in D1 so that he could have 3 hunters.

I'm sorry Zertagh, this shouldn't have happened and you should still be here. We'll miss you.

This past year has been very weird to say the least. It's been very eyeopening as well on so many things.

I kind of figured it wasn't going to be a super great year either way. Mostly with losing a friend of 15 years. I go back and think and look at that a lot. Realizing that I probably could have worded some things a little differently/better. I over reacted a bit with things. But at the same time, I tend to have bad abandonment issues anymore and when I'm not getting a response I want when trying to figure things out with someone I just get really frustrated. There's a big part of me that wishes I could somehow contact her and apologize, but from the things she told me before everything blew up, she tends to ignore problems and just throw "problem people" to the curb and leave it at that. So, I'm just left with this big "what if?"

Though I've kind of circled around to most other people I've known as well. As far as things I've felt and whatnot. I keep trying to be more understanding with people anymore, I really do. But it's just hard when I see the same patterns over and over and nothing has changed. Outside of Kep I've had one person actually make an effort to change things. I might hear from him once a week, I might hear from him a few times a day and then go to once a week. But I feel like there's actual effort being made. Compared to people saying I mean something to them, but they're always just too busy or can't hold up a conversation or whatever else. Like Kep has said, it's just sadly how people are anymore. It's just frustrating and goes back to the abandonment issues. So, I've pretty much just come to the point where as frustrating as all of this is and how it just goes back to me feeling that the only way I'll hear from anyone is if I'm the one to make any effort, I guess that's just what I'll have to do. As frustrating and uncomfortable it makes me anymore. It's either that or being frustrated that I don't hear from anyone and as soon as someone does just going, "well, someone wants something from me if they're contacting me."

There's obviously the big event which was losing my job. It's just hard to believe that it's been over 6 months at this point. I have been looking for work for at least a few months here now. I'm also to the point where I just need to suck it up and attempt to apply for unemployment. The only real issue with that is that I'm expecting petco to reject it and I'm going to have to fight it. Which I know will be a whole headache. It's just something that I don't want to deal with, but I may have to. It's also the worry that they will fight it, so I'll fight it and then I might have to deal with the shit GM if she shows up. I just don't want to have to deal with all of that once again. Though if I go through with all of that I will try to bring along my old department manager. Assuming the GM shows up, I can use my manager as a witness to how abusive and toxic the GM was to try and help my case. But only time will tell with all of that.

Otherwise it's been frustrating trying to find another job. I'm getting the frustrating bit of places saying they're hiring and then get nothing from them. I have been trying to reach out to different restaurants and other places at this point. Mostly attempting to avoid retail and factory jobs like the plague. I had one place actually reply, but nothing past that. It's frustrating that none of the places have actually attempted to give me an interview. I figure mostly because I don't have any actual restaurant experience. Though for the most part it's not like I'm applying for line cook positions. Mostly prep or dish washer. The few that I had to email my resume to I did start sending photos of the food I've made as part of it and still nothing. I figured I'll still just keep pushing some of these places either way. That and I'm still trying to not travel too far out of town. Because that's just going to add another layer on top of things.

The one good thing is that I've at least been able to spend more time with Kep and the dogs. Tsume hasn't had to stay in his crate, aside from a few rare occasions, and now that it's cooler out I'm able to take them on walks much more frequently. That and despite everything that Kiba has been through, I've been able to take him along as well. So, there's a lot of instances where he's gone on hour long hikes through the woods as well. Then we'll get home and he'll flip out before going into the house. So he's at least not hurting or anything after all of that. At least not that he's showing anyways.

I've also been able to get a lot of much needed practice with my cooking and baking, which has been really nice. I've needed to watch what I actually purchase, since everything is so expensive and I don't have money coming in, but I've still been able to experiment either way.

That and I've been able to get a lot of the yard work done I had been meaning to do. I at least have most of the sections cleaned up. I just need to pick up all the clippings still and get all that drug back into the woods. Which will end up being a whole thing since it's a lot.

I figure at least this past year hasn't been a complete waste. Yes, I still have lots of issues, but I've been thinking clearer than I have in a long while. It's just a matter of trying to figure out so much still. At this point I'll see what next year holds. I don't want to hold my breath or make any goals or anything. Because for me, if I try to set goals and plan for me to do something or complete something and then I don't, it's worse for me. It just personally makes me feel worse when things don't pan out and I'm really hoping for something to happen. I can go, "oh, that would be neat if that happened" and then if something went the way I was hoping, then it's a pleasant surprise.

So, we'll see what happens with everything. Everything in our little bubble as far as this house goes is great. This house has issues, but I love it and the little bit of land it's on. I love Kep, our dogs and everything else. It's just stepping outside that becomes the problem. It's something that I can work on, but I'm not holding my breath. I'd like to connect better with people, make new and good connections with people and even try to repair friendships with some older people. But I know that bit is way easier said than done in a lot of situations. I'd also like to find some sort of work where I don't hate myself and everything every time I go in. It depresses me that I can't do what I really want to do. But, you know, since I'm not rich, I can't just move and go to school and get the job I really want. I just have to not focus on it, because it'll really make me feel like shit.

But yeah, we'll see what happens this next year. Hopefully something works out for us. Because I'm just tired of being kicked down at this point.

For starters, I haven't been able to find a job just yet. I've been putting out applications/asking if places are hiring for around 2 or so months now. I've been mostly trying to stay in town, so I don't have to drive more than I have to. One reason it's been taking a while is I'll send something out to one or two places a week and then wait about a week to see if I hear anything and then try somewhere else. Either way, I've mostly been trying to avoid and major retail places, because I really don't feel like working at somewhere like target again. Let alone doing it during the holidays here. I could possibly get a job fairly easily at one of the factories at the end of our street, but I'm pretty sure that'll just be a nightmare for me. I don't want to work 40 hours again, let alone plus that. Along with not wanting to work these insane shifts that a lot of factories have people work. So, for now, I'll just keep putting applications out and if anything start actually trying to pester some of these places. I had applied to this small pet shop in the area, which was only part time and I figured would have been a sure thing, but I can sadly believe it was an instance where I was "overqualified" to work there.

The other bit is kind of a bunch of different things that all lead back to me shitting on myself for being a horrible person. It's partially why I've always told others, no matter what I saw about or towards other people, I always say way worse things about myself.

One thing that's always been bad for me, funnily enough, is when I'm either doing yard work or out walking the dogs, because I tend to think/talk to myself a lot during it. Usually about things that have happened and mostly on people I know/knew.

It's been a mixture of a little bit of everything when it comes to that. I've never been a super good person as it is, as far as I'm concerned, and I've never had a really good time keeping or making friends. So, a lot of it for me cycles around to thoughts about people that Ive known at some point in time or another. Not that any of the thoughts or hanging on any of it is healthy in any way. >.> But it's one of those things that I just can't help. I've always felt that almost all of my life has just been regret in some shape or form.

One thing that plays a big part in that is if I would have been better off just dealing with people and them stepping on me/abusing me. Because a chunk of people that I ended up trying to talk to/be "confrontational" with and then either I or they stopped talking to me are the main ones that I regret in some shape or form doing that with. To put it simpler, there's a lot of instances where I feel like it would have been better to deal with people treating me like crap, than telling them how I'm feeling and then either I or they cut me off.

I still from time to time go back to the friend I had before I moved. I have been friends with him off and on and I feel like as we got kind of closer, things got worse between us. He turned into an ass because of one of his ex's. He seemed fine for a while after that and then he got with someone else and started this whole "master" relationship thing and got worse. He wouldn't think for himself and wouldn't listen to me when I told him something. Went as far as driving home drunk, telling me to tell him to never drink again and then texted me a month or two down the road while he was drunk with this new girl. I hated cutting him off, but he wasn't showing me that he was getting any better and I was dealing with enough as it was and couldn't deal with all of that on top of it.

There's the most recent one where I had known her for around 15 years off and on. I felt like she was pushing me away because of these new people and in part because she plays games with them. Let alone I kept feeling like I was getting all these excuses. She didn't reach out to me when she came back because she, "thought I was mad at her" she's, "just a hard person to be friends with" like I'm not. In the end I was very blunt, to the point of being mean and she didn't care enough to even give me any sort of response. Gave me the silent treatment and eventually sent her other half at me. Acting like I was just some random person stalking and going crazy on her. That whole situation is one that will probably always stick with me. I do agree with my one friend, at least to a degree at this point, where I think this ended up being a situation where she meant a lot more to me than I meant to her. Even if she kept trying to claim that I, "was the best thing to come out of this fandom" because I don't really think I ever felt that.

Hell, even the one person that I tried to reconnect with a year or two ago now. I feel bad that I didn't stay as connected with them as I should have. I know I was an ass with them on several things. Even found an old note between me and them that made me feel bad because of how I acted. One thing I always felt is that they always felt very kind of stunted emotionally. In that they couldn't talk to someone and work through them. He couldn't understand why my one friend he was with kept bringing up his ex. He just wouldn't talk to my friend about it and would just get upset about it. I tried to reconnect with them once or twice before things really went to shit and it never happened. I really tried the last time and I think part of me realized how far gone he was from the person I kind of knew before. Part of it also could be that he didn't want to talk to me, but he couldn't process how to say it. Because you'd look at his twitter posts and he would sound completely different comparing it to his texts. Even seeing another text between him and someone else and the personality was completely different. It came to me fully realizing that he fell for the trap and got completely absorbed into being semi popular and the fetish he got absorbed into. Because that was the real breaking point with him. I didn't like his fetish and it was, "how dare I not like his fetish". It just made me realize just how broken and lost he kind of was. It partially made me feel bad that maybe if I was different with him before, he wouldn't have sunk so low. He can be interested in what he's interested in, I don't care. But when you flip out on someone because they don't like it or whatever, then there's a problem.

The few ones that I will never backtrack on are at the very least my ex and the shit I dealt with for a while that was trying to steal Kep away from me. They can go fuck themselves.

I don't know. I know it's not really good or "healthy" to keep going back on things like this. But I can't help it for one reason or another. It's part of the reason why I have such a hard time anymore trying to talk to people that I know. It's even harder for me to meet new people or try to continue with them. It still goes back to my whole thing of feeling abandoned by almost everyone that I've known. So on the rare occurrence that I do start talking to someone new, if they don't keep up with talking to me, either actual conversations or messaging me first, it becomes really hard to be to keep trying myself. Because then it just goes back to me feeling like if I don't talk to someone first, then I'm just here to entertain them or whatever. It's even worse when I actually try to connect with someone and think, "oh, maybe they'll try to actually talk to me and I could meet someone new" and that doesn't happen. But then I don't want to reach out to them that way because if it goes nowhere it'll just discourage me more.

I just feel like things have gotten just way too complicated with me anymore. I know I'm way far from perfect and anything I may say towards someone else or whatever is still nowhere near what I say to myself on a semi regular basis. Despite not dealing with the stress at Petco anymore, I still get way into my own head with too many things. Which just ends up pulling me down in some shape or form and it's nearly impossible for me to get out of it anymore. I'll end up ignoring it, but it never really goes away. Which is why it doesn't completely help to get all this off my chest, but it at least semi helps for me to sort things out.

The only other thing I can really say is if you somehow read through all of this, thanks at least to some degree. I don't blame people from not wanting to read through all of that. Along with since I know I'm nobody I don't expect people to care enough to read through it.

Figured I should at least some sort of actual update on here, even if not much has really changed at this point.

I'm still out of work at this point. Though that is pretty much all my fault here still. I know I need to figure out something here soon enough though. I still have enough money to live off of without having to completely freak out. But, with winter coming up, I'm going to need some sort of income to help balance out the bills and not have them completely drain me.

Therein lies the real problem at this point. Me getting myself to put applications out there. There was an instance a month or so ago now that I was really thinking about putting myself out there again. Once I really started thinking about it though, I began getting very anxious and depressed. (Made a whole post about it on facebook, then a friend said something to my brother and he came over to "talk to me" about it. Mostly ended up being him yelling at me and using how his new thing is religion to shit on me.) But it's a mix of several different things. I just have horrible anxiety anymore from working at Petco. It's probably a combination of dealing with management and my treatment from customers. Though my other issue is not wanting to get stuck again at a place that I don't want to be at or just being miserable where I end up working. I'm kind of just backed into a corner at this point. There's a handful of places in town that I'm going to try either way. The issue is there's not much in this town. Along with I'd have to drive a bit to extend my reach. That of course brings it's own problems. Spending more money on gas, car will wear out faster and it'll eat up more time as well. There's of course the option that my brother really tried to impose on me, which is going back to school. But that's not as simple as it sounds either. I'd still have to have some sort of job during that period. Let alone with finding the time to do that between working and everything else. Even if that works out, I'd have to probably get rid of a large amount of what we have in this home, let alone most of my animals, figure out moving somewhere else and even then I'd have to hope to actually get the job I wanted. Without having some sort of solid financial security, it's just not possible unfortunately. Especially since I want to still work with animals and want to work at a zoo or something along those lines.

But, aside from all of that, I haven't been up to terribly much. Since I stopped working right when it was getting super hot out, I didn't do much for a while. Mostly just sitting around and sweating. ^^; I was able to at least take care of a few things around the house as it began to cool down. Really delved into doing a deep clean of the basement. Would like to sell a lot of the extra pet supplies I have in the basement, but I know that'll be a whole thing. I was able to at least clear out a bunch of the moldy stuff, scrubbed the walls and floors. At least for now anyways it smells half decent down there. Was able to start doing a bit of yard work again as well. At least in between all this rain anyways. So I'll just keep slowly working along that when I'm able to and still have the time as well.

Been cooking a lot as well. That's at least been the one good thing. I've been able to shop a bit smarter since I don't have to worry about doing a quick food night or whatever. So, that's at least been nice. Just have to remember to not go overboard with the ingredients. ^^;

So, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I could be around and be with Kep for a while for a change. Despite him wanting to kill me at times here. But, one of the other main reasons with not wanting to go back to work is the dogs. Tsume has only had to go into his crate a handful of times these past few months. I don't want to have to keep putting him back into the crate again, but it's still the best option for everyone. He will either destroy things or him and Kiba will end up playing too rough and either someone might get hurt or again they'll destroy things. It's really the only reason I'd be willing to do normal morning shifts again somewhere. That way it would really reduce the amount of time he would be in the crate, even compared to before.

So yeah, everything's been a bit of a clusterfuck as usual. But it's kind of a, what's new? For me. Oh yeah, one thing that has been funny though was going into my old work and the girl they stuck over in my department to do my old job told me, "oh yeah, so I understand why you were so irritated all the time now." Yeah, I had to deal with a lot of shit over there. Good luck with all that now. On a side note here, I don't know if anything ever happened with all the reports that were put it. But, I found out that the store was moved into a different district, so the shit district manager isn't there anymore, which caused the dick GM to have a bit of a mental breakdown. So I'm hoping this adds a bit more pressure to her and they do eventually end up forcing her out or something. That's the least that I can hope for at this point for everything she's done.

But yeah, wish me luck with trying to figure things out here. I really don't want to have to setting for working at any of these factories, because I'm really not going to end up liking it. I'm still just really debating on if I want to try jumping into a food job. Since I don't know how well I'd do with that and don't want to ruin me wanting to cook at home.

One random note before I finish this. My health has been alright still. At least as far as the blood pressure things goes. Before I stopped working the Dr cancelled my appointment twice. I tried contacting them and getting them to just let me do blood work, since that's all I would need, and they were difficult with me on that. Probably because they want me to go and do more tests still. So, I just told them I won't have time to for a while because of starting a new job at some point. So, I just keep putting it off and not contacting them again. We'll see what happens with all of that then. It's going to be a pain in the ass still no matter what happens with it. Still should try to look into going to a new doctor, but I know that'll be a whole thing as well.

Alright, I think I'm done rambling now. I'm done. ^^;

I will be highly surprised if it doesn't fall apart, officially, at this point now. Funny thing is this was probably at the bottom of my list as to how it would happen. It's ironic for me that not long ago it was found out that Destiny is going to officially die now too.

Well, as I usually tend to say, don't expect people to care about this for one reason or another. Either way, it's not like it isn't already posted on my page. Either way, here's other accounts you can find me on. Granted, I do have sofurry accounts and weasyl ones, but I don't know if I'd actually want to put effort back into them at all at this point or not.

I'll also still say this until I'm blue in the face. If anyone adds me to discord, xbox, telegram, any messaging sites or anything like that, please let me know who you are. Because I'm still very leery when people just add me to something like that and I have no idea off the top of my head as to who they are and I have to dig to find out.

Xbox: naki husky
Discord: naki_krogan
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/red13nanaki
Twitch: https://www.twitch.tv/naki_husky
Twitter: https://twitter.com/naki_husky
Telegram: https://t.me/naki_husky
Bluecky: https://bsky.app/profile/naki-krogan.bsky.social

Title partially has to do with the Sum 41 song that I keep listening to when it comes to all the crap I've dealt with at work. ^^;

Because, things are starting to catch fire finally. About last week I finally finished typing up my letter to Petco HR. The one thing I still find surprising is that they claimed it wasn't an HR claim and it was sent to employee relations or something like that? I guess it's kind of whatever as long as it gets sent to someone and they do something about it. Well, yesterday I got scheduled a call with the person that's handling everything. I'm surprised we actually got through all of it right at a half an hour like she said people usually do. But they are going to investigate everything, which surprises me on multiple levels. Especially since I don't work there anymore. But I guess they're trying to show that that when it comes down to it they do care about harassment/bullying in the company. The one unfortunate thing is she does not deal with any of the animal concern issues, so I'm hoping that gets sent to another person here.

The call went well enough. Since she's essentially a go between, I have no idea where it goes to after this. I made it clear to her that my GM was reported on several occasions and nothing was done about it due to the DGM being part of the problem. So I'm hoping that someone else will end up handling the situation. I need to email her again here either way, since I have specific dates of instances that I couldn't fully remember over the phone. The one really good thing that happened in the call was she said they will be attempting to contact other employees to get their feedback on the situation as well. So I asked her if I was able to specifically give some of these people her email. Since I have most of their contact information still and I was sure most of them probably would say something. So far my old manager, who quit last Friday because of the GM, and the old GM is going to speak up as well about the issues the current one has caused. Which I figured will speak volumes compared to even me. The ironic thing is that GM was part of the problem years ago as well. She did start to finally get better during the last few years she was there. I at least figure this is a literal enemy of my enemy situation. So it can only really help me.

But yeah, the start of hopefully some good news in all of this. I still don't expect or really want my job back at this point. But I'm just really hoping that it'll cause enough problems that if I'm really lucky they force her to either leave the store or to step down.

On another note I haven't looked for a job just yet. I probably will here soonish at this point. I'm mostly still just trying to take it easy for a while. I know the one thing that'll really be a pain going back to work is having to leave the dogs alone at home again and put Tsume back in his crate when we're not here. Though with how things are and depending on the job I either might not be able to get enough hours for that to be a problem or just depending on the shifts I get I may be able to circumvent that either way.

It's been a bit already leaving petco and it's been good. I'm just lucky that I'm in a situation where I don't/didn't have to rush to find another job right away. It's been nice feeling like I have an actual life for a little bit. After spending over 12 years there and working the entire time through covid. I've been lazy about it, but I have been working on sending an email out to HR from there. Not expecting or really wanting my job back or really expecting anything from them at all. But trying to get some sort of investigation started on the DGM and GM. Because I don't understand how a company can function when so many managers and higher ups are so toxic. Granted I guess a lot of companies are/can be like that, but still. I read about it all the time about how a store has this manager that bullies people or does this to people and most people just deal with it. Because like me, they figure nothing will either be done about it or there will issues if they do report anything. Because most instances the stores have barely enough employees to get by. So then tension just gets worse, even if they, "can't retaliate". I'm just glad either way that I'm out of there and I'm still just waiting/hoping that the company goes under. So much crap is apparently happening high up in the company and with how things are at the store level, it still isn't looking good.

On another note. I've been cooking/baking a good bit. Getting things done around the house when I can. Though this weather doesn't help with any of that. Also, been making sure to sleep in and play games as usual too. Been going through Elden Ring some more and doing the Destiny thing. It's been funny that so many people have issue with Malenia in Elden Ring and I got through her on like my 3rd or 4th try. So now I'm doing like I did with Gael in DS3 and just sit around and help people out with her. As of typing this I have 4.3 million runes saved up from fighting her. ^^; Also as I'm typing this I got done helping someone with her that I was helping for a while and they send me a thank you message when they finally beat it.

Waiting for Kep to get tired of me being around though. ^^; I know the dogs are happy with me being around though. That'll be the one hard thing about going back to is having to put Tsume back in the crate when we're not home. But I'll figure that out when it happens. I don't want to go back to morning shifts for somewhere, but I will if I have to. Hell, I might be able to apply for unemployment and just get a part-time job and have that cover for some of it. But again, we'll see when we get there.

Yep, you read that right. It went a different way than I had thought, but at the same time I was to the point where I was just going to quit anyways. They ended up "letting me go" because I threw out something I wasn't supposed to. That and I've known for a while now that the GM has had it out for me. Frankly the only thing I'm slightly upset over is that bitch won and I couldn't get her out. Especially considering she treats the employees like garbage and disregards animal care because she thinks she knows right. That and I always had the feeling that she didn't like me because I'm a guy/gay. When they fired me the DGM was there too and I know she really didn't like me telling them off and saying they need to fix things. But, she's always been a know it all ass, which shouldn't be surprising, and will not go against the GM. Mostly in part because she helped to drive out one of the other employees and put this GM in charge. So, if she admits there's bad things going on, then it'll look bad for her. I don't be surprised though if they both end up falling in the end at some point though. I at least still have the HR connection to where I can send them something and still try to nudge things in the right direction.

But like I said, aside from being a little irritated that she won in the end, I really don't care. I really needed to get out of there one way or another. I did love how the DGM didn't react at all and just glared at me when I told her goodluck, because they're not going to find someone else like me.

So, as of right now I have at least enough in my bank that I don't have to rush out and find a new job right away. That and I want to try and find something that might not be as detrimental as working at Petco became. Though in this world and how my mindset tends to be is a real good luck sort of situation. I'm also probably going to take a month or so off just to myself. Need to relax and try to collect myself. Especially since I haven't been able to do that in a while now. So, time to take care of some things around the house, at least what I can in this weather, and try to relax a bit for now.

This is something I had worked on and put together a few weeks ago now. With as much of a pain in the ass Destiny can be, I'm still really proud of my accomplishments in it.

Another long rant/vent. So, don't read if you don't want to/care like I expect at this point anyways.

This shouldn't come as a surprise to me anymore and I think I've frankly done referring to anyone as any type of family. Since it seems like any time I had told someone they were like a sister or brother to me, they would just stab me in the back eventually and just walk away. No explanation, nothing. Which of course just leaves me feeling like the piece of crap in the end. I know there's plenty wrong with me, but like I said, there's never really an explanation for things. Granted, there's been a handful of times where I've seen that I "grew" different ways than them and just didn't click anymore. It's also amazing, but not surprising, on how no one wants to apparently talk about any of the issues brought up. I find it funny how I've seen other people make posts about how people should talk and work out their problems. But when I tell them it doesn't work for me, they're just flabbergasted. I guess that's just become the luck of the draw with me. Anyone I managed to become friends with just weren't interested in discussing problems and would rather just live in ignorance of things.

This specific instance still leaves me flabbergasted. At the same time though I guess I could have seen it coming and lived in my own blissful ignorance. Though it's also partially because I'd like to think it wouldn't go this way. I partially don't blame someone for just taking off because of their own issues and needing to deal with things on their own. It gets weird when said person thought I was mad at them for it? When I kept trying to get in contact with them and keep tabs on them the whole time? How in the world does that make sense? I should have seen everything happening from the start when I wasn't told they "came back" and were being active with people again. Alright, fine, there was the whole, "I thought you were mad at me" thought process, but still. But then it was becoming obvious that I didn't really matter anymore when once again things became a one sided friendship. Tried several times to talk about how I was feeling and about what was going on and once again it went nowhere. Ended up getting, "I went to bed because I thought we were done talking" and "I don't want to make any promises I know I'm not going to be able to keep". Who does that? They try with these other people that are in their streaming group, but I'm not in the "special" club I don't matter apparently. What kind of person will easily throw away a 15 year friendship and not even try to keep it going/fix it, but do anything they can to repair a several year friendship because it's convenient to them?

Anymore I think my issue is I've just had a bad time finding "good" friends. At least that's why I feel like I need to tell myself anymore. Because it's better than just calling myself a piece of garbage that isn't meant to be happy and have friends.

Either way, the one thing I will keep saying is that "being busy" is not an excuse as to why you don't contact someone. That's what I've heard from so many people anymore. Everyone is busy, just be honest and tell the person you don't want to talk to them. I'm busy with something or another a lot of times anymore, but the reason I don't contact people is the whole other issue where I was always the one to contact people first and no one would do it for me. Shit, with how telegram is you can't tell people you're "busy" when I can see that you've been on telegram and avoiding messaging me back.

So yeah, that's where we sit at this point. Another notch in the belt of people that have stabbbed me in the back. At least I've my own armory that I can just carry around with me at this point. >.>

Another year down and all I can think is that I haven't gone and offed myself yet. There's been a lot going on anymore and things really don't seem to want to let up. Got stabbed in the back by yet another person that I've known for years and I thought of as family. Presumably they've been lying to me for a while now and for whatever reason just never wanted to tell me the truth. So, it was easier to just string me along and lie to me until I had enough.

You know what people can do for my birthday? If you see this, message someone you haven't talked to in a while. Have an actual meaningful conversation with them and show that you care. Stop putting off talking to people because you're always "busy" or whatever other excuse you use to not contact someone.

Figured I'd just post the accounts for them on here if anyone was interested. I also have a few codes for Bluesky if anyone wanted those as well.

https://twitter.com/Naki_Husky

https://bsky.app/profile/naki-krogan.bsky.social

And also game with possibly? I don't know. Just figured I'd try this shot in the dark again. IF by some odd chance someone new does happen to message me, all I ask is no quick/little responses. It's really hard to try and have an actual conversation with it. Along with no weird stuff/role play. I do weird jokes all the time, but only really with people that I know.


Xbox: Naki_husky
Telegram: Naki_husky
Discord: Naki_krogan

Didn't realize how long it's been, and I'm not really counting that other journal I posted and deleted after a while.

So, not a whole lot has happened. Had a few vacations, still dealing with my meds, still attempting to make new friends/find new people to talk to and such. Nothing really happening on that front, but it's not really too surprising at this point. Along dealing with my own problems when it comes to people that I know. But again, what's new?

This is mostly an update on work stuff, which is actually finally going the way that I had been expecting it to. As of now I've been with Petco for 11 years and I've been at my store for 10 of them. The company has had it's ups and down through the years, though which company hasn't at this point? They "hired" in Ron Coughlin to run and "fix" the company. All I kept hearing was people praising him and how much he's helped other companies. I didn't care. He was just another rich person that has never worked for the company it's not like he worked his way up to that position. It was very quickly shown that he was anything but good for the actual employees in the company. The way he and the company handled covid for everyone in the company was horrendous. It took them way too long to respond to it. The only thing they did for the employees was give us crappy bonuses, of which they gave the most money to people like the GMs. The ones at the stores that already made the most money. Raises never got any better and if anything got worse. I think one of the raises they gave to people was like 2.5% or something like that and they were so proud to be able to give that to us. That amounted to I think a quarter for me. So, pretty much nothing. Conditions never really got much better after that. I gradually got to a point where I'm doing what I can for the animals, will help people and treat those that weren't complete idiots/assholes, but not going above and beyond anymore. They did a order online and pick up in store service like everyone else, started up a subscription service for us to push. None of it being compensated on our end. Then the real things happened. They bumped everyone up to $15 an hour. They'll never admit it, but it was only done because there were some stores in Washington state attempting to form a union. Which in the end screwed over so many people, including myself, that were nowhere near that yet. Mostly because their raises were so atrocious. So people working for the company for years were making the same as new hires. But at the same point because of how the system was, new hires would get raises quicker and quickly surpass the seasoned employees.

Now we've come to this point. The company swore up and down that they were going to fix it. They were going to do normal raises and then a "compression" raise. Giving people that have been with the company years a significant bump in their pay due to it. In the end it all ended up being a lie. They did their yearly raise, but "combined it" into one thing. Which ended up being basically nothing. I got a whole 63 cents for my time here. Still making less than a new hire that's been with the company for around 6 months. The super short end of the stick is that many people didn't get a raise at all. What they did originally was bump everyone to $12. Then not long after that they did the whole $15 bump thing. So, if people made too much of a pay bump from the 12-15, then they got no raise this time. Because the company can't give good raises, it's the people's fault for getting too much of a pay bump. So here we are at this point, where people are beyond pissed. People are leaving the company in droves because it seems as if they don't see anything wrong with this and don't give any inclination of fixing the situation.

Now, if you've made it this far, it's only half of what's been going on. Along with the company sinking now and being on fire....it's happening at my store specifically. Which I had been waiting for this entire time.

We've had issues at our store for a while. Shitty managers and other people. Our GM has been gone for months now. She went out for health reasons and it is believed she was never coming back. Mostly giving excuses every time she was asked and her being away was always extended. So now this has happened, which we were all partially expecting to happen. Our one super problematic manager Katye will be taking that position. I found out for sure about this two weeks ago, right before I went on vacation. I then came back to find out everything has started to officially fall apart. The one manager Chistene flipped on when she found out and several others are pissed. We were supposedly all talked to about this by the DM, which was a lie. She only talked to the groomer over it. We're planning on having a store meeting about this at the end of the month. Which will probably just be a "I'm in charge. You listen to me now" bs shit show. I'm finally working on putting all my complaints in and reporting it. I'm hoping some others do as well. Because like I've always been told, "you have to have a paper trail for anything to be done." I've also downloaded a voice recorder on my phone as a just in case as well.

This is the point we are at. The company is on fire and sinking. My store is on fire and sinking. I'm really at the point of needing to figure out a new job. Because everyone is going to end up quitting and things will just get that much worse or the store is going to be forced to close for one reason or another. Only time will tell on that, but I won't be surprised if it does.




So, yeah, that's what has been going on. If you made it this far, thanks for reading and I'll see everyone around.

Frankly I know most of the time people follow me on here because of either seeing art on someone else's account, the artists, or on my account. I'm not stupid enough anymore to believe most people are following me because of my amazing personality and because I'm an amazing person. And that's the thing, because I typically check out the people that watch me, especially if they look like they have an active account and everything. But it gets weird for me when I check an account and there's no favs of mine or an artist. Unless I'm just missing something, which wouldn't be surprising.

Either way it goes back to this and figured I'd throw this out there. If anyone wants to chat or whatever my contact info is on my page. Only rules I have are no creepy stuff, let me know who you are and respect that Kep and I are together.

Not holding my breath, but figured I'd throw it out there.

Holy hell, things are getting worse and worse at my job. To a degree it's going to make things harder on me, but at the same time I can stand back and laugh at it at this point and watch the store destroy itself.

Found out a few weeks back after my vacation that my department manager is actually leaving. Wasn't really shocked at all, since she kept saying she was going to and she's supposedly fed up with things like I am. So, Saturday will be her final day then. As far as I'm concerned the door can hit her ass on the way out. She betrayed our friendship when she became a typical manager and started stabbing me in the back.

Then things started stacking up. The new cashier that has been here for maybe a month or two quit last week. Another will be mostly leaving halfway through September because of school. The other wants to get out of there as soon as she can because she's just sick of it, but needs another job first. So, realistically that leaves me, 1 cashier/dog trainer and 3 managers. And even then that's supposedly shaky. I have to take everything with a grain of salt from my manager when she tells me stuff. But supposedly there's at least another manager that's thinking/planning on quitting. Which if it's the one I'm thinking of that's funny, because she barely does anything anyways.

So there's all that....and then I find out more. I've known about this for a while now, but I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. Was told a while ago that my GM is not supposed to have her dogs at work, she was written up and if she does it again she's fired. That I can believe, because our district manager is an asshole. She was, "supposed to be good because she climbed up the ladder instead of just being put in that position." But she's still an ass. Well, supposedly there's talk where at least one of the other employees is starting to take evidence to report it in an attempt to get the DM fired. Along with supposed talks about a walk out and other things.

I'm just standing back at this point and watching how things unfold. I'm not taking the department manager position with how things are and have been and with things being so chaotic now, some of the heat should be taken off of me and the department. Just gotta wait and see where the wind blows in all of this.