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Doctor Who and the Silurians/Ambassadors of Death
Posted 7 years agoDoctor Who and the Silurians
So I'm back on my quest to watch the Classic era of Doctor Who after getting a subscription to Britbox. Up next is 1970's Doctor Who and the Silurians.
This is the second story for Pertwee and the introduction of the Silurians. A race that is featured prominently in the revival. It is remarkable the similarities this story has in comparison the their reintroduction in 2010's The Hungry Blood/Cold Earth.
The story structure is relatively the same. Humans are on the brink of a new discovery digging deep into the earth. They reawaken a dormant species hibernated to escape annihilation. In both stories it's a battle between species for survival and the Doctor helplessly trying to get them to co-exist. On both sides are voices of dissent, xenophobia, and fear.
Where the 1970 original differs is no one on the Human side is willing to face fear and give peace a chance. The Doctor's companion Liz certainly sides with him, but her role is only to be there as an assistant. The story could've played without her, (and that's really a shame).
The original also suffers in not resolving the themes of the guest cast effectively. Dr. Quinn played the egocentric scientist looking to make a name for himself in science by stealing knowledge, but dies by the third episode. Major Baker has an interesting degradation of character from a clam demeanor to a mistrusting one that hates the Doctor and the Silurians, but he dies by the fifth episode. Dr. Lawrence was a savage character who would not face any truth but his own, and dies without any resolution. Dawson became a more assertive character once Quinn dies, and advocates the genocide of the Silurians, but even her voice disappears.
The cast was not properly used and in the end I felt nothing gained or lost from their demises. This has happened before in Doctor Who, but the show has shown the ability to use their cast effectively as well. The Seeds of Death and The Enemy of the World are prime examples. And in my opinion Hungry Blood/Cold Earth also does it better.
The story is remarkably different from what I'm use to. There are similarities to other base-under-siege stories, and certainly a lot of similarities to The Web of Fear: The Doctor gets some sort of HQ outside the TARDIS and the plot centers around a chess game of us vs. them.
Yet, it's got a new feel that isn't anything I'm use to. The First and Second doctor's eras were old, but they were similar enough to the revival series to be recognizable. I'm not sure how to feel about the new themes with the Third Doctor. I'll have to see more.
What this story has over Hungry Blood/Cold Earth is that it's not seeking to make a mark on pop culture. It's a serial. It's a story someone wrote for a serialized show. Matt Smith's story was about being sure to show off a new monster, and having Rory suddenly disappear from all of time. Scenes like that can get distracting when you're trying to analyze the sci-fi story over the soap opera story. Now that being said, Hungry Blood/Cold Earth did have a remarkable sci-fi story attached to it and used its characters more effectively. Yet, 1970's The Silurians felt more real because the frustrations of the Doctor could be felt. Jon Pertwee was angry. I never felt that with Matt Smith and his story.
What surprised me the most is the callousness of The Brigadier. His last action in the story is heartless, and the look of disappointment and anger in the Doctor's eyes in the last scene is masterful. Jon Pertwee's acting has won me over in just two serials and I can now defiantly see that he is the Doctor.
______________________________
The Ambassadors of Death
The Ambassadors of Death has some positives going for it. Unlike the last story, this one knew what to do with the cast. There was an investment into the side character's story.
General Carrington is a very intense character. His motives made the plot's climax rewarding. The Doctor understood why Carrington acted so insanely, and in the end did not show any anger. The Doctor gave a silent nod of sympathy and sadness.
Reegan is damn clever, which is a characteristic I'd love to see more of. Every time something got in his way he'd bounce back. His last scene was just him smirking at the entire situation. I loved it.
Ralph Cornish is another character that I appreciated, though others could certainly find him dry. There wasn't much to the personality, but enough to find him a voice that aligned perfectly with the Doctor and the Brig. He was an anchor in the mystery. Had he been cast as a villain or someone untrustworthy then the Cloak and Dagger feel of the first five episodes wouldn't have worked. He was betrayed by his own men, pushed into a corner by authority, and yet stood his moral ground. I thought it was fitting that the Doctor left him to conduct the exchange at the end ... as if he fully trusted him to communicate with the Ambassadors and get them home with the help of Liz.
Other characters came and went and left less of an impression, though certainly offered something to the plot. Taltalian and Lennox were both pawns in the larger scheme, but I felt that Taltalian's death made more sense. It introduced the savagery of Reegan, and offered more mystery to the plot. Lennox's death however felt stupid. I don't understand the purpose. The only thing it made me feel is frustration with the Brigadier and Lennox. If Lennox refused to speak to anyone but the Brig but offered up knowledge of the Astronauts, the least he could do was also state that Liz was safe. Regardless, The Brig acted stupidly in not immediately seeking out the information. The man offered information on the Astronauts who weren't publicly known yet. Get up off your ass and go speak to him, damn it!
The Brig's part in this story speaks volumes his depth of character. By the end of Silurians he shown himself to be cruel but only because it was for the greater good. The Doctor wanted to gain the trust of each Silurian one at a time, but that would've been a tiring and risky task with a species that proved to be extremely dangerous.
In this story, the Brig showed less concern for the immediate destruction of Earth and did what he could to stop Carrington's attack on the space ship. This story is a different scenario for the Brig. The Amabassadors posed an immediate threat that could wipe out the planet. Missiles, even if they did work, would only result in a fleet returning to destroy the Earth. The Silurians however were not the threat. The threat was the Doctor's fallacy in thinking he could spend decades waking up each one to a "peaceful" earth.
The Brig has become immensely interesting in how he plays off the Doctor. He frustrates me at times, but the Doctor has his faults and in the end needs the Brig to bring him back to reality.
Liz Shaw, for her part, had much more to do here. So I appreciated that. However, I'm crossing my fingers that she gets even more plot in her last story ...
This story is called Ambassadors of Death, and like many titles it offers a double meaning. The entire plot centers around Carrington's insanity in thinking these Ambassadors are here to destroy Earth. The Ambassadors themselves can kill with just a touch. However, the true Ambassadors of Death would be Carrington and Reegan. They left a trail of death in their paths.
The last scene in this story was very surprising. It felt anti-climatic, but on the other hand it was fitting. This wasn't a story about the monster. It was the story of an insane man. A man, after fighting for so long, gave up. And it was the Doctor's empathy that ended this man's story as he walked off set. It felt natural for the Doctor to walk off set in the opposite direction toward the audience, the camera pulled further back to encompass the entire set and cast. I enjoyed it, but I hadn't been expecting it. I expected someone to fight to the bitter end. Reegan gave up with a smug face. Carrington gave up defeated and shamed. The point is that violence isn't the end solution, and it wasn't for this story either. A very different result than the previous story.
It's interesting how often space suits are used in this franchise as a Monster. Particularly in the New Series where it is used effectively in Silence in the Library, Forest of the Dead, The Impossible Astronaut, Oxygen, etc. There's something intriguing about that. It suggests a fear of being trapped, bound in a suit as if strapped in a straight jacket. You can't look in easily and can never be truly sure what's inside. It's spooky.
So I'm back on my quest to watch the Classic era of Doctor Who after getting a subscription to Britbox. Up next is 1970's Doctor Who and the Silurians.
This is the second story for Pertwee and the introduction of the Silurians. A race that is featured prominently in the revival. It is remarkable the similarities this story has in comparison the their reintroduction in 2010's The Hungry Blood/Cold Earth.
The story structure is relatively the same. Humans are on the brink of a new discovery digging deep into the earth. They reawaken a dormant species hibernated to escape annihilation. In both stories it's a battle between species for survival and the Doctor helplessly trying to get them to co-exist. On both sides are voices of dissent, xenophobia, and fear.
Where the 1970 original differs is no one on the Human side is willing to face fear and give peace a chance. The Doctor's companion Liz certainly sides with him, but her role is only to be there as an assistant. The story could've played without her, (and that's really a shame).
The original also suffers in not resolving the themes of the guest cast effectively. Dr. Quinn played the egocentric scientist looking to make a name for himself in science by stealing knowledge, but dies by the third episode. Major Baker has an interesting degradation of character from a clam demeanor to a mistrusting one that hates the Doctor and the Silurians, but he dies by the fifth episode. Dr. Lawrence was a savage character who would not face any truth but his own, and dies without any resolution. Dawson became a more assertive character once Quinn dies, and advocates the genocide of the Silurians, but even her voice disappears.
The cast was not properly used and in the end I felt nothing gained or lost from their demises. This has happened before in Doctor Who, but the show has shown the ability to use their cast effectively as well. The Seeds of Death and The Enemy of the World are prime examples. And in my opinion Hungry Blood/Cold Earth also does it better.
The story is remarkably different from what I'm use to. There are similarities to other base-under-siege stories, and certainly a lot of similarities to The Web of Fear: The Doctor gets some sort of HQ outside the TARDIS and the plot centers around a chess game of us vs. them.
Yet, it's got a new feel that isn't anything I'm use to. The First and Second doctor's eras were old, but they were similar enough to the revival series to be recognizable. I'm not sure how to feel about the new themes with the Third Doctor. I'll have to see more.
What this story has over Hungry Blood/Cold Earth is that it's not seeking to make a mark on pop culture. It's a serial. It's a story someone wrote for a serialized show. Matt Smith's story was about being sure to show off a new monster, and having Rory suddenly disappear from all of time. Scenes like that can get distracting when you're trying to analyze the sci-fi story over the soap opera story. Now that being said, Hungry Blood/Cold Earth did have a remarkable sci-fi story attached to it and used its characters more effectively. Yet, 1970's The Silurians felt more real because the frustrations of the Doctor could be felt. Jon Pertwee was angry. I never felt that with Matt Smith and his story.
What surprised me the most is the callousness of The Brigadier. His last action in the story is heartless, and the look of disappointment and anger in the Doctor's eyes in the last scene is masterful. Jon Pertwee's acting has won me over in just two serials and I can now defiantly see that he is the Doctor.
______________________________
The Ambassadors of Death
The Ambassadors of Death has some positives going for it. Unlike the last story, this one knew what to do with the cast. There was an investment into the side character's story.
General Carrington is a very intense character. His motives made the plot's climax rewarding. The Doctor understood why Carrington acted so insanely, and in the end did not show any anger. The Doctor gave a silent nod of sympathy and sadness.
Reegan is damn clever, which is a characteristic I'd love to see more of. Every time something got in his way he'd bounce back. His last scene was just him smirking at the entire situation. I loved it.
Ralph Cornish is another character that I appreciated, though others could certainly find him dry. There wasn't much to the personality, but enough to find him a voice that aligned perfectly with the Doctor and the Brig. He was an anchor in the mystery. Had he been cast as a villain or someone untrustworthy then the Cloak and Dagger feel of the first five episodes wouldn't have worked. He was betrayed by his own men, pushed into a corner by authority, and yet stood his moral ground. I thought it was fitting that the Doctor left him to conduct the exchange at the end ... as if he fully trusted him to communicate with the Ambassadors and get them home with the help of Liz.
Other characters came and went and left less of an impression, though certainly offered something to the plot. Taltalian and Lennox were both pawns in the larger scheme, but I felt that Taltalian's death made more sense. It introduced the savagery of Reegan, and offered more mystery to the plot. Lennox's death however felt stupid. I don't understand the purpose. The only thing it made me feel is frustration with the Brigadier and Lennox. If Lennox refused to speak to anyone but the Brig but offered up knowledge of the Astronauts, the least he could do was also state that Liz was safe. Regardless, The Brig acted stupidly in not immediately seeking out the information. The man offered information on the Astronauts who weren't publicly known yet. Get up off your ass and go speak to him, damn it!
The Brig's part in this story speaks volumes his depth of character. By the end of Silurians he shown himself to be cruel but only because it was for the greater good. The Doctor wanted to gain the trust of each Silurian one at a time, but that would've been a tiring and risky task with a species that proved to be extremely dangerous.
In this story, the Brig showed less concern for the immediate destruction of Earth and did what he could to stop Carrington's attack on the space ship. This story is a different scenario for the Brig. The Amabassadors posed an immediate threat that could wipe out the planet. Missiles, even if they did work, would only result in a fleet returning to destroy the Earth. The Silurians however were not the threat. The threat was the Doctor's fallacy in thinking he could spend decades waking up each one to a "peaceful" earth.
The Brig has become immensely interesting in how he plays off the Doctor. He frustrates me at times, but the Doctor has his faults and in the end needs the Brig to bring him back to reality.
Liz Shaw, for her part, had much more to do here. So I appreciated that. However, I'm crossing my fingers that she gets even more plot in her last story ...
This story is called Ambassadors of Death, and like many titles it offers a double meaning. The entire plot centers around Carrington's insanity in thinking these Ambassadors are here to destroy Earth. The Ambassadors themselves can kill with just a touch. However, the true Ambassadors of Death would be Carrington and Reegan. They left a trail of death in their paths.
The last scene in this story was very surprising. It felt anti-climatic, but on the other hand it was fitting. This wasn't a story about the monster. It was the story of an insane man. A man, after fighting for so long, gave up. And it was the Doctor's empathy that ended this man's story as he walked off set. It felt natural for the Doctor to walk off set in the opposite direction toward the audience, the camera pulled further back to encompass the entire set and cast. I enjoyed it, but I hadn't been expecting it. I expected someone to fight to the bitter end. Reegan gave up with a smug face. Carrington gave up defeated and shamed. The point is that violence isn't the end solution, and it wasn't for this story either. A very different result than the previous story.
It's interesting how often space suits are used in this franchise as a Monster. Particularly in the New Series where it is used effectively in Silence in the Library, Forest of the Dead, The Impossible Astronaut, Oxygen, etc. There's something intriguing about that. It suggests a fear of being trapped, bound in a suit as if strapped in a straight jacket. You can't look in easily and can never be truly sure what's inside. It's spooky.
You Scored as Dominant
Posted 12 years agoYou Scored as Dominant
Dominant
93%
Sadist
82%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
82%
Experimental
71%
Switch
57%
Vanilla
43%
Submissive
29%
Bondage
25%
Degradation
14%
Masochist
11%
Check it out: http://quizfarm.com/run.php/QuizRunner
Dominant
93%
Sadist
82%
Exhibitionist / Voyeur
82%
Experimental
71%
Switch
57%
Vanilla
43%
Submissive
29%
Bondage
25%
Degradation
14%
Masochist
11%
Check it out: http://quizfarm.com/run.php/QuizRunner
You Scored as Dominant
Posted 12 years ago<img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border=0 width=0 height=0 src="http://c.gigcount.com/wildfire/IMP/.....mPTA=.gif"; /><table width="400" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="4"> <tr><td>
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<tbody><tr><td><span id="text_block">You Scored as <b>Dominant</b></span><p><br><br></p>
<span id="graph_block">
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Dominant</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="93%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">93%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Sadist</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="82%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">82%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Exhibitionist / Voyeur</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="82%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">82%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Experimental</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="71%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">71%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Switch</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="57%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">57%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Vanilla</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="43%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">43%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Submissive</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="29%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">29%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Bondage</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="25%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">25%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Degradation </font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="14%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">14%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Masochist</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="11%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">11%</td>
</tr>
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<table width="100%" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tblBorderAll">
<tbody><tr><td><span id="text_block">You Scored as <b>Dominant</b></span><p><br><br></p>
<span id="graph_block">
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Dominant</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="93%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">93%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Sadist</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="82%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">82%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Exhibitionist / Voyeur</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="82%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">82%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Experimental</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="71%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">71%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Switch</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="57%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">57%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Vanilla</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="43%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">43%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Submissive</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="29%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">29%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Bondage</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="25%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">25%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Degradation </font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="14%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">14%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<table width="100%" border="0" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0">
<tbody><tr>
<td width="150"><font face="Arial" size="1">Masochist</font></td>
<td width="130">
<table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="11%" bgcolor="#dddddd"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr></tbody></table>
</td><td width="40" align="center">11%</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
</span>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div id="result_image_block" style="width: 210px; float:right;">
<span><img align="right" style="margin-left:5px;" src="http://quizfarm.com/quiz_images/res.....t;</span>;
</div>
</td></tr></table>
Constant Battle - My Art and My Therapy
Posted 13 years ago6 years after graduating college, 10 years after graduating high school, I finally admitted to myself that I "failed" to get out of a decade long depression that has left me socially awkward, artistically challenged, and spiritually dead.
In comes therapy. But as we all know, in this country "therapy" is equated with which prescription of anti-depressants works best. It happened with the college counselor, my general doctor, and the first "therapist" I went to several years ago.
Finally upset with going in circles in my head and ruining most of my relationships, I sought out specifically a "sit down and talk" therapist. At long last I was receiving the care I needed to have a decade ago. Along with nearly a year of therapy, an honest discussion with my parents about my relationship to them, and a few friends kicking me in the pants ... I am on the path to healing.
I do art nearly every day now, I've been unafraid to post what I do have for the world to see, and I make no bones that I am not the best of artists ... but neither am I the worst. I have healed some relationships and allowed myself to become intimate and truthful with one of them.
But most of all I now see something that was probably plainly obvious to all of you: I have been trying to be someone I am not ... all because I have for most my life seriously hated myself.
I don't want to hate myself anymore nor do I wish to lie about who I am. Creativity is my passion. I love cooking, gardening, drawing, writing, learning ... it's what I am naturally curious about. I am no athlete, no dancer, no mathematician. I read science only to fuel curiosity. I am no politician.
However, I am now at a difficult place in my healing and my life. I am finally on the path I had always wanted to be on. But my (un)natural instinct to never "Live in the Moment" (Carpe Diem) constantly gets the better of me. I am either worrying about the future which I fear, or mulling over the past which I regret.
I am wanting to become a respected artist, but I'm restarting at 29. And it is very difficult for me to do this. Not because I haven't the passion for it (I do), but because every day I have to WATCH my mind and stop it from mentally flogging myself for being 29 and having "wasted" so many years (I didn't, but I wasn't using them wisely).
It is a huge struggle. One I had no idea would be so hard.
...
...
This entry is not an apology. Nor is it to seek approval. It certainly is not to ask for help, but any given would be wonderfully appreciated.
I only write this for joy. Joy that I am finally wiser than I once was and on a better path.
... and Hope. That I can be free long enough to appropriately value myself.
Bless you all, my friends and fans. :3
In comes therapy. But as we all know, in this country "therapy" is equated with which prescription of anti-depressants works best. It happened with the college counselor, my general doctor, and the first "therapist" I went to several years ago.
Finally upset with going in circles in my head and ruining most of my relationships, I sought out specifically a "sit down and talk" therapist. At long last I was receiving the care I needed to have a decade ago. Along with nearly a year of therapy, an honest discussion with my parents about my relationship to them, and a few friends kicking me in the pants ... I am on the path to healing.
I do art nearly every day now, I've been unafraid to post what I do have for the world to see, and I make no bones that I am not the best of artists ... but neither am I the worst. I have healed some relationships and allowed myself to become intimate and truthful with one of them.
But most of all I now see something that was probably plainly obvious to all of you: I have been trying to be someone I am not ... all because I have for most my life seriously hated myself.
I don't want to hate myself anymore nor do I wish to lie about who I am. Creativity is my passion. I love cooking, gardening, drawing, writing, learning ... it's what I am naturally curious about. I am no athlete, no dancer, no mathematician. I read science only to fuel curiosity. I am no politician.
However, I am now at a difficult place in my healing and my life. I am finally on the path I had always wanted to be on. But my (un)natural instinct to never "Live in the Moment" (Carpe Diem) constantly gets the better of me. I am either worrying about the future which I fear, or mulling over the past which I regret.
I am wanting to become a respected artist, but I'm restarting at 29. And it is very difficult for me to do this. Not because I haven't the passion for it (I do), but because every day I have to WATCH my mind and stop it from mentally flogging myself for being 29 and having "wasted" so many years (I didn't, but I wasn't using them wisely).
It is a huge struggle. One I had no idea would be so hard.
...
...
This entry is not an apology. Nor is it to seek approval. It certainly is not to ask for help, but any given would be wonderfully appreciated.
I only write this for joy. Joy that I am finally wiser than I once was and on a better path.
... and Hope. That I can be free long enough to appropriately value myself.
Bless you all, my friends and fans. :3
Why I was never became a scientist . . .
Posted 13 years agoExcerpt from a description of a book I wanted to write as a child:
"To tell about this book is quite simple. In the year 1876 AD, a strange peculiar thing happened that changed time and place. The world was splitted (sic) into two different times because of a light molecule having added amounts of plutonium and electricity. This caused the atom of light to go faster straight into the middle of earth, and because of this the atom caused time to stop. Then out of no where the atom was found everywhere in time causing the line of time to explode. Into two different time lines."
This is why I never became a scientist.
"To tell about this book is quite simple. In the year 1876 AD, a strange peculiar thing happened that changed time and place. The world was splitted (sic) into two different times because of a light molecule having added amounts of plutonium and electricity. This caused the atom of light to go faster straight into the middle of earth, and because of this the atom caused time to stop. Then out of no where the atom was found everywhere in time causing the line of time to explode. Into two different time lines."
This is why I never became a scientist.
TMNT Beta Readers?
Posted 14 years agoI've been writing a lot lately and have about 6 chapters done of a fan fic for TMNT. Needing a Beta reader with editing skills to help flesh it out and give good feedback. Let me know who is interested.
Or not ...
Or not ...
Happy Birthday to Me.
Posted 14 years agoIt's my birthday. Leave birthday messages below. They make me feel a little better about this day. :3
New Year's Resolutions? Editing my Watching List.
Posted 15 years agoI'm not making any. Every year on my birthday and new year's I make promises to myself I hardly ever keep. So when the new year comes I feel really guilty. I'm simply making a promise to myself to continue the journey of healing.
I've done a lot of soul searching in the last few months. Things are becoming clearer for me and I'm slowly understanding what I have to do. These last 30 days have been very productive in comparison to what I've been doing for a year and a half. Pray for me though, I'm still going through some internal changes.
When my computer died early in 2010 I left FA go for so long. By the end I had a pile of over 15,000 submissions. Most of them deleted material, photos of cons, and random images I don't care about. I took 10 days and went through it all to pull out the images I admire and wish to study for my own skill.
That being said, I want to trim the list. So I will be removing some of you from my watch list. Don't be offended! I just can't handle getting 300 submissions in three days.
Getting back to "resolutions", my good friend
kooky is doing a sketch-a-day resolution. Please go fave his art and cheer him on! I'm very intrigued by the idea and have though of doing something like it myself.
I've done a lot of soul searching in the last few months. Things are becoming clearer for me and I'm slowly understanding what I have to do. These last 30 days have been very productive in comparison to what I've been doing for a year and a half. Pray for me though, I'm still going through some internal changes.
When my computer died early in 2010 I left FA go for so long. By the end I had a pile of over 15,000 submissions. Most of them deleted material, photos of cons, and random images I don't care about. I took 10 days and went through it all to pull out the images I admire and wish to study for my own skill.
That being said, I want to trim the list. So I will be removing some of you from my watch list. Don't be offended! I just can't handle getting 300 submissions in three days.
Getting back to "resolutions", my good friend
kooky is doing a sketch-a-day resolution. Please go fave his art and cheer him on! I'm very intrigued by the idea and have though of doing something like it myself.Notes and Privacy
Posted 15 years agoThis goes for all fur sites, not just Fur Affinity:
Get rid of "Notes". All that does is create a "private" side to website that needs security to keep it running without incident. No fur site has the funds to maintain that level of security. You don't need every kind of feature available to make a website popular.
You know what is more secure than FA? AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Verizon, Google .... sites dedicated to keeping security #1 on their lists and willing to spend the millions of dollars to do so. Everyone on FA should only communicate to each other privately via AIM or e-mail. There's no reason to create a risk factor.
Get rid of "Notes" and tell people to suck it up and send an e-mail or an IM.
Get rid of "Notes". All that does is create a "private" side to website that needs security to keep it running without incident. No fur site has the funds to maintain that level of security. You don't need every kind of feature available to make a website popular.
You know what is more secure than FA? AIM, Yahoo, MSN, Verizon, Google .... sites dedicated to keeping security #1 on their lists and willing to spend the millions of dollars to do so. Everyone on FA should only communicate to each other privately via AIM or e-mail. There's no reason to create a risk factor.
Get rid of "Notes" and tell people to suck it up and send an e-mail or an IM.
LiveStream, U Stream, We all stream for Nude Stream
Posted 15 years agoAnyone have a preference as to where artists stream their art? I find Livestream easier to load when watching others, but the fact that both Live Stream and U Stream have an Anti-Porn policy in their TOS I'm wondering if anyone can suggest a place I can freely stream myself drawing porn.
On the Subject of Ink Lines
Posted 15 years agoI'm not happy with the process I'm using for inking. Currently, after scanning in a pencil sketch, I use Illustrator to map out lines. Then drag the layer into Photoshop where I use the eraser to taper things off. It gives it a very clean look, but I'm not happy with the process. I'm looking for a more dynamic style but also a thinner line that my programs (or the way I use them) can't handle. I enjoy the crisp thin lines of 
cursedmarked
I also love the more natural look of lines drawn in
kahmari's sketches and 
Tojo-The-Thief's artwork. However, that's a matter of practicing my pencil marks.
I'm needing help and I would like suggestions and advice on the matter. Also, any direction towards a book or program I might be interested in would be useful.
cursedmarkedI also love the more natural look of lines drawn in
kahmari's sketches and 
Tojo-The-Thief's artwork. However, that's a matter of practicing my pencil marks.I'm needing help and I would like suggestions and advice on the matter. Also, any direction towards a book or program I might be interested in would be useful.
Emerging
Posted 15 years agoI've been slowly waking up after nearly a year of beating myself up, and re-reading the previous entry here on LiveJournal I thought I should update. I will probably cross-post this on Fur Affinity as well.
Life is okay here at home, but the strain on my parents and my finances of being hopelessly in depression is taking its toll. I need to get out for their sake as well as mine. This also means I've got to really understand my wants and needs lately.
I know I need to be doing something, and I need to be working for an income. I also realize now that I need to be working on art. I need to stop beating myself up and criticizing myself for past mistakes and a weak talent. Suffering because I'm suffering makes no logical sense. I'm stifled in life because I can't do the art that I have been dreaming of for years but kept putting off. I've got to stop listening to what I think friends, family, and society wants of me and start working for what I've always wanted.
I want to go to art school. However, they require a good portfolio and I just do not have that yet. I need to be working on art more, so I figure I should be auditing art classes at various schools or finding a non-profit art institution that provides classes for adults. (We have one here in Barre, Vermont called Studio Place Arts). I am confident that these places exist in other locations.
However, I also need to move outside of Vermont. I enjoy my friends and family, but I'm stifled here socially and escaping is a priority. I've been looking at various places, but have always been focusing on areas where I would feel wanted or where I feel the least afraid to strike out on my own. I think it would behoove me to get room mates or at least neighbors that I know so I can lean on in case I fall. However, I'm always scared to ask those I know if they would want me as a room mate.
I had been focusing for the last 4-5 years on moving to a place based on the friends I knew there. Orlando, Columbus, and Portland had been high considerations for that reason. However, I need to go where I have an intended goal and I'm not sure where that is. If I were to be working on a portfolio for art school then I would like to go to a school that accepts me, but that complicates the issue of moving. If I were to move to Columbus and work on a portfolio for 6-8 months only to find that CCAD and OSU deny my application but AI of Portland accepts then I'd have to move all over again.
I'm still working out exactly what would be in the best interests of my goals. I'm probably going to be utilizing LJ and FA more now that i'm thinking clearly instead of just repeating: "I'm alone and want a boyfriend get my out of Vermont" in my head.
Life is okay here at home, but the strain on my parents and my finances of being hopelessly in depression is taking its toll. I need to get out for their sake as well as mine. This also means I've got to really understand my wants and needs lately.
I know I need to be doing something, and I need to be working for an income. I also realize now that I need to be working on art. I need to stop beating myself up and criticizing myself for past mistakes and a weak talent. Suffering because I'm suffering makes no logical sense. I'm stifled in life because I can't do the art that I have been dreaming of for years but kept putting off. I've got to stop listening to what I think friends, family, and society wants of me and start working for what I've always wanted.
I want to go to art school. However, they require a good portfolio and I just do not have that yet. I need to be working on art more, so I figure I should be auditing art classes at various schools or finding a non-profit art institution that provides classes for adults. (We have one here in Barre, Vermont called Studio Place Arts). I am confident that these places exist in other locations.
However, I also need to move outside of Vermont. I enjoy my friends and family, but I'm stifled here socially and escaping is a priority. I've been looking at various places, but have always been focusing on areas where I would feel wanted or where I feel the least afraid to strike out on my own. I think it would behoove me to get room mates or at least neighbors that I know so I can lean on in case I fall. However, I'm always scared to ask those I know if they would want me as a room mate.
I had been focusing for the last 4-5 years on moving to a place based on the friends I knew there. Orlando, Columbus, and Portland had been high considerations for that reason. However, I need to go where I have an intended goal and I'm not sure where that is. If I were to be working on a portfolio for art school then I would like to go to a school that accepts me, but that complicates the issue of moving. If I were to move to Columbus and work on a portfolio for 6-8 months only to find that CCAD and OSU deny my application but AI of Portland accepts then I'd have to move all over again.
I'm still working out exactly what would be in the best interests of my goals. I'm probably going to be utilizing LJ and FA more now that i'm thinking clearly instead of just repeating: "I'm alone and want a boyfriend get my out of Vermont" in my head.
I'm Still Alive
Posted 15 years agoI'm still alive, but barely. Sorta just continuing with depression and trying to keep my head above water. Parents are finally getting fed up with my depression and I am too, but I'm sort of lost as to what to do and I don't see anything on the horizon suggesting I can get out of it.
I draw very little ... and it's the amount that I draw with which i gauge my depression.
I'm going on a trip soon, probably to Ohio, just to see guys over there and get a feel for the city. I've no idea if anyone would actually be excited to see me over there, but that's something I'll have to wait and see.
I do have a new computer though. However, I've lost photoshop and illustrator and need to work to get those programs again.
I draw very little ... and it's the amount that I draw with which i gauge my depression.
I'm going on a trip soon, probably to Ohio, just to see guys over there and get a feel for the city. I've no idea if anyone would actually be excited to see me over there, but that's something I'll have to wait and see.
I do have a new computer though. However, I've lost photoshop and illustrator and need to work to get those programs again.
Computer-less
Posted 16 years agoHi!
So my computer died. Pretty sure it's hardware related. We all know how fun it is to fix hardware on a Mac now! Ugh.
Anyway, I'll be without a computer for some time, but still online from time to time. Just wanted to let you all know :3
So my computer died. Pretty sure it's hardware related. We all know how fun it is to fix hardware on a Mac now! Ugh.
Anyway, I'll be without a computer for some time, but still online from time to time. Just wanted to let you all know :3
Sketch Studies of my Favorite Artists
Posted 16 years agoI have been practicing by studying from the art of my favorite artists. A method I recommend for anyone wanting to learn art. However, i'm hesitant on posting these sketches of study.
I would love to show you what I've learned and what I've studied, but I wouldn't know how to properly do it without stepping on toes.
If I were to show art, I would for certain give credit to the artists I am studying. I would fix the title and description to reflect who it is I am drawing from. I would also keep the art in the sketches folder.
What's the proper conduct here? Is it something that's okay, or should I ask permission first?
Any comments?
Artist I have studied and practiced the work of:
redrusker
blotch
markwulfgar
MrK-9
I would love to show you what I've learned and what I've studied, but I wouldn't know how to properly do it without stepping on toes.
If I were to show art, I would for certain give credit to the artists I am studying. I would fix the title and description to reflect who it is I am drawing from. I would also keep the art in the sketches folder.
What's the proper conduct here? Is it something that's okay, or should I ask permission first?
Any comments?
Artist I have studied and practiced the work of:
redrusker
blotch
markwulfgar
MrK-9Pushing forward with my Art
Posted 16 years agoI'm coming out from a phase of my depression that's been the most damaging to my psyche. For years I've negatively dissed myself for having not practiced art and taught my hand to be gifted like many of the artists I admire.
I'm still working out why I do this to myself. I don't understand the logic of negatively dissing myself and yet at the same time not doing anything about it. However, it is a harmful cycle that is ingrained in my mind. I am only now starting to come to grips with my negativity.
Tonight I sketched. I started with just simple furry heads. What I discovered is that I had difficulty in drawing heads smoothly and flawlessly. I erased and sketched over lines sloppily. I realized that I had not developed any method of drawing cheeks, mouths, snouts, eyes, hair, lines, etc ... Realizing this brought back the negativity that I've allowed to haunt me. I hadn't a method of drawing because I've not practiced in the last 7 years like I should've.
I pushed against this and continued to draw heads. I didn't care how sloppy they were. I pulled out my Circles comic books and various artist on my browser and studied them, copying them. I would then try making a random furry head myself, imitating some made up style. I kept going back and forth, trying to understand how other artists start and finish their heads.
... Pushing myself against those negative emotions that have plagued me was difficult. I listened to Knotcast, randomly checked irc channels, answered IMs ... just to avoid thinking that "it's worthless to draw". I'm hesitant to even try and start up one of my long overdue commissions, for the simple fact that I'm scared about what will come out.
It's been a difficult road ... but I'm going to win this.
I'm still working out why I do this to myself. I don't understand the logic of negatively dissing myself and yet at the same time not doing anything about it. However, it is a harmful cycle that is ingrained in my mind. I am only now starting to come to grips with my negativity.
Tonight I sketched. I started with just simple furry heads. What I discovered is that I had difficulty in drawing heads smoothly and flawlessly. I erased and sketched over lines sloppily. I realized that I had not developed any method of drawing cheeks, mouths, snouts, eyes, hair, lines, etc ... Realizing this brought back the negativity that I've allowed to haunt me. I hadn't a method of drawing because I've not practiced in the last 7 years like I should've.
I pushed against this and continued to draw heads. I didn't care how sloppy they were. I pulled out my Circles comic books and various artist on my browser and studied them, copying them. I would then try making a random furry head myself, imitating some made up style. I kept going back and forth, trying to understand how other artists start and finish their heads.
... Pushing myself against those negative emotions that have plagued me was difficult. I listened to Knotcast, randomly checked irc channels, answered IMs ... just to avoid thinking that "it's worthless to draw". I'm hesitant to even try and start up one of my long overdue commissions, for the simple fact that I'm scared about what will come out.
It's been a difficult road ... but I'm going to win this.
Back from MFF: Here's a Report.
Posted 16 years agoSomehow things fell into place for me the day before the con. I'm glad I went, even with the expensive price tag. I need to get my shit together and plan for FWA, FC, AC, MFF, and whatever else I want to go see. I'll deal with that tomorrow. Tonight I just need to relax.
I flew into Columbus on Friday and drove six hours with
huscoon through Indiana. I've never seen so many billboards in my life, and considering billboards are illegal in Vermont that doesn't mean much ... but the statement stands.
The ride was ok. We were riding in
robypanther 's car and stopped to eat at a Penn Station. At that point my medication started to really effect my appetite. I couldn't understand the noxious feeling I got every time I ate. On the ride over the huscoon and I talked about what the hell an Actuarial Scientist actually does. That man is very smart and very brave for taking on such a profession.
I arrived at the con, and made acquaintances with old friends. I said hi to
radix the moment we came in. Eventually I would see many more friends, and I would end up having dinner with 
fordshepherd, 
malowolf, Baja, Jack, AJ, and a friend of Baja's.
During the dinner we were interrupted by some rather drunk middle aged women who were obviously local and frequent customers. (I heard the manager address one by her first name). They had loudly started making comments about the convention going on in the hotel, and walked over to the table to address us after we had complained to the staff. Eventually somehow they had gotten loose and the last I saw of a particular drunk blond head was as she stumbled down the hallway through a mass of fursuitters.
That night I learned how annoying the backup hotels were. Seven miles away and the shuttles stopped at 2. BITCH.
Saturday I bought myself a badge from
modem_redpill and then hung out and/or talked with various people. Including: Radix, Lokai, Trademark Fox, Exile, AJ Firewolf, Malo, 
nbowa, 
tzup, Keeya Kitsune, 
kalendil, Teh, 
Twitchdawoof, Stevie Maxwell, Reji, 
SpykeTyranno, 
dracoofzeradith, Electro, 
JOtter86, Spain, Rhett, 
nekomon, Ty-Yen and more.
If I've forgotten your name I'm sorry.
The rest of the con went without too much trouble. I enjoyed the parade, got myself another badge on Sunday, played plenty of poker, yadda yadda.
Sunday Night I had gotten into another appetite issue to the point where I felt like throwing up. It caused me to skip out on Buca since I knew I was not going to eat anything and I didn't want to ruin the rest of the night with a sick stomach. I'm not too happy about it, but in a way I am glad I skipped out. Walking and ending up just talking to Radix and Trademark cleared my head.
Monday Teh and Twitch drove me back to Columbus, but first we had iHop. When I had gotten back to Columbus I spent some time at Ford's house waiting for Roby to show up. SOMEHOW I became Ford's bitch. I don't know how, but I was serving drinks for everyone. Damn those GSD's!!!! So hypnotic. ALL OF YOU!
Roby let me crash at his place for the night, and the next day I went home. All in all the con was a blast. Expensive, but a great mood lifter.
I flew into Columbus on Friday and drove six hours with
huscoon through Indiana. I've never seen so many billboards in my life, and considering billboards are illegal in Vermont that doesn't mean much ... but the statement stands.The ride was ok. We were riding in
robypanther 's car and stopped to eat at a Penn Station. At that point my medication started to really effect my appetite. I couldn't understand the noxious feeling I got every time I ate. On the ride over the huscoon and I talked about what the hell an Actuarial Scientist actually does. That man is very smart and very brave for taking on such a profession.I arrived at the con, and made acquaintances with old friends. I said hi to
radix the moment we came in. Eventually I would see many more friends, and I would end up having dinner with 
fordshepherd, 
malowolf, Baja, Jack, AJ, and a friend of Baja's. During the dinner we were interrupted by some rather drunk middle aged women who were obviously local and frequent customers. (I heard the manager address one by her first name). They had loudly started making comments about the convention going on in the hotel, and walked over to the table to address us after we had complained to the staff. Eventually somehow they had gotten loose and the last I saw of a particular drunk blond head was as she stumbled down the hallway through a mass of fursuitters.
That night I learned how annoying the backup hotels were. Seven miles away and the shuttles stopped at 2. BITCH.
Saturday I bought myself a badge from
modem_redpill and then hung out and/or talked with various people. Including: Radix, Lokai, Trademark Fox, Exile, AJ Firewolf, Malo, 
nbowa, 
tzup, Keeya Kitsune, 
kalendil, Teh, 
Twitchdawoof, Stevie Maxwell, Reji, 
SpykeTyranno, 
dracoofzeradith, Electro, 
JOtter86, Spain, Rhett, 
nekomon, Ty-Yen and more.If I've forgotten your name I'm sorry.
The rest of the con went without too much trouble. I enjoyed the parade, got myself another badge on Sunday, played plenty of poker, yadda yadda.
Sunday Night I had gotten into another appetite issue to the point where I felt like throwing up. It caused me to skip out on Buca since I knew I was not going to eat anything and I didn't want to ruin the rest of the night with a sick stomach. I'm not too happy about it, but in a way I am glad I skipped out. Walking and ending up just talking to Radix and Trademark cleared my head.
Monday Teh and Twitch drove me back to Columbus, but first we had iHop. When I had gotten back to Columbus I spent some time at Ford's house waiting for Roby to show up. SOMEHOW I became Ford's bitch. I don't know how, but I was serving drinks for everyone. Damn those GSD's!!!! So hypnotic. ALL OF YOU!
Roby let me crash at his place for the night, and the next day I went home. All in all the con was a blast. Expensive, but a great mood lifter.
Can't Make It
Posted 16 years agoI can't make it to MFF. I've got no one to blame but myself. I waited too long to make plans, and couldn't find room in time to make it work.
I'm really kicking myself here at how close I was. I finally started to get myself a room (or two) together, but I was stupid. Waited too long and now flights are too expensive to justify the trip.
This is really going to hurt this weekend. Going to be blaming myself a lot and trying to get over it.
If anyone has any last minute ideas, I'm out of hope here. I really got to get my shit together ...
I'm really kicking myself here at how close I was. I finally started to get myself a room (or two) together, but I was stupid. Waited too long and now flights are too expensive to justify the trip.
This is really going to hurt this weekend. Going to be blaming myself a lot and trying to get over it.
If anyone has any last minute ideas, I'm out of hope here. I really got to get my shit together ...
MFF: Not so bad, room mates?
Posted 16 years agoIt's not so bad this year. I'm still looking for room (hopefully at the main hotel), but I've got a plan if that doesn't go through (a plan I don't like, but it's a plan nonetheless).
If anyone has a position opening up at the main hotel, or know of one, please get in contact with me. I'm even willing to sleep on the floor despite my back problems because I love MFF so much.
txt me if you have my number, otherwise IM, Twitter, or leave a message here.
----
I hate I keep doing this to myself, but it's something I recognize as a breakable habit. I'll get out of it, I know I will.
If anyone has a position opening up at the main hotel, or know of one, please get in contact with me. I'm even willing to sleep on the floor despite my back problems because I love MFF so much.
txt me if you have my number, otherwise IM, Twitter, or leave a message here.
----
I hate I keep doing this to myself, but it's something I recognize as a breakable habit. I'll get out of it, I know I will.
Importance of Therapy and Medication. Depression.
Posted 16 years agoI'm doing well. I'm on a drug called Wellbutrin to try and help with the serious depression I keep returning to every few months. I'm taking the drug while also talking with a therapist so that I can easily work through the emotions as my body adjusts the the chemical change. Wellbutrin is also said to help ADD patients gain focus.
I feel that depression is an all to easy human condition that anyone can lapse into, and if not taken care of soon it could create cycles difficult to pull oneself out of. It's an embarrassing and frustrating disease, but treatable with therapy and medication. If there is someone out there who is struggling, then I hope they read this and understand that good recommended therapists can go a long way towards helping you.
My depression is linked to the serious spinal surgeries I had as a child, and the shy personality I developed in school. I've allowed myself to lapse into a cycle of depression and inattentive lack of energy ... hurting several friends, and frustrating many more. My brain chemistry became use to a continuous cycle of negative emotions that I torment myself with. It's my hope that with an anti-depressant, therapy can help train my mind to recognize warning signs and run on a more stable cycle of emotions.
I'm wanting most of all to thank those I've talked to over the last few months to help straighten my head out. Also I wanted to thank those I pissed off in the last few months for sticking to our friendships. And I want to thank the Medicine Shoppe for not realizing that I've switched insurance companies and keeping my prescription hostage for half a week.
Thank you all :3
I feel that depression is an all to easy human condition that anyone can lapse into, and if not taken care of soon it could create cycles difficult to pull oneself out of. It's an embarrassing and frustrating disease, but treatable with therapy and medication. If there is someone out there who is struggling, then I hope they read this and understand that good recommended therapists can go a long way towards helping you.
My depression is linked to the serious spinal surgeries I had as a child, and the shy personality I developed in school. I've allowed myself to lapse into a cycle of depression and inattentive lack of energy ... hurting several friends, and frustrating many more. My brain chemistry became use to a continuous cycle of negative emotions that I torment myself with. It's my hope that with an anti-depressant, therapy can help train my mind to recognize warning signs and run on a more stable cycle of emotions.
I'm wanting most of all to thank those I've talked to over the last few months to help straighten my head out. Also I wanted to thank those I pissed off in the last few months for sticking to our friendships. And I want to thank the Medicine Shoppe for not realizing that I've switched insurance companies and keeping my prescription hostage for half a week.
Thank you all :3
RoomMates?
Posted 16 years agoI'm honestly fed up with living in my parent's house. It's clear that it's no longer my home, and that the relationship with my parents is confining me. I felt more at ease with my personality in Ohio and at AC than I have in the last three years living here. It's quite clear I need to move out.
After I quit my job at the end of August I thought that would free up my depression some and allow me to draw, and in truth I did draw when I was visiting fordshepherd. However here in Vermont I am confined by the awkward relationship I have with my parents. I love them to death, but I can't love myself as long as I'm living here.
It is not only drawing. My mood, art, demeanour, and love of life greatly improved when I was NOT at home. This isn't to say that my parent's are the cause of my depression, but I think it's the practice of living here that's causing it.
I will take up temp work through Sepherion wherever I move to and wait for the Winter Courses at some college to build my skillsets and art.
Basic Poll (Just to get an idea where people are at, i need to find some leads for possible Room Mates):
(as to the question of where I want to live: I DON'T CARE)
Will you need a new Roommate for your current home in the next four months?
Are you also moving soon and need a guy to share a new Apartment with?
Do you know of anyone who is looking for a Rooming Situation?
Any sage advice?
After I quit my job at the end of August I thought that would free up my depression some and allow me to draw, and in truth I did draw when I was visiting
fordshepherd. However here in Vermont I am confined by the awkward relationship I have with my parents. I love them to death, but I can't love myself as long as I'm living here.It is not only drawing. My mood, art, demeanour, and love of life greatly improved when I was NOT at home. This isn't to say that my parent's are the cause of my depression, but I think it's the practice of living here that's causing it.
I will take up temp work through Sepherion wherever I move to and wait for the Winter Courses at some college to build my skillsets and art.
Basic Poll (Just to get an idea where people are at, i need to find some leads for possible Room Mates):
(as to the question of where I want to live: I DON'T CARE)
Will you need a new Roommate for your current home in the next four months?
Are you also moving soon and need a guy to share a new Apartment with?
Do you know of anyone who is looking for a Rooming Situation?
Any sage advice?
Whelm
Posted 16 years agoI am in need of thoughts and prayers.
These next steps in life are overwhelming and stressful. Plagued by depression and Adult ADD which makes concentration very difficult, I'm looking to change my life for the better. I've already taken the first step in leaving my job at the end of the week.
This will leave me unemployed, I understand, but the job will kill me. I have struggled for years to figure out what my path in life is, but I have discovered that Non-Profit Housing is NOT my path. I can not take one more raging lunatic on the phone nor can I stomach denying one more family an apartment because of their credit problems.
I am leaving the job, and have vowed to leave this house. I want out, and I want to heal.
....
The only goal I've ever had. The only thing I ever wanted to do was make a webcomic. It was put on hold, and it has suffered in the darkness of my mind. However, it is the only goal I can latch on to in this crazed phase of my life and the only thing I've thought about since Freshman year of college. Since I have trouble focusing on what to do next, I think the only sane course is to finally use the resources I have to follow that dream.
I believe my art sucks. It has suffered from the lack of practice. And my inner demons have caused me to see every irregularity and mistake and failure.
But it is STILL my passion. Irreguardless of how bad it actually is, it is my dream to make a comic strip. And seeing the style and quality of art from early Sluggy Freelance and Funny Farm gives me hope that I can at least tell a story well and in time grow my art.
...
These next steps in life are MINE to make and mine to follow, but I need the support and love of my friends more than ever before. I now have a path towards happiness, and I don't want to ever loose it.
---
Lately I've just been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. This is the last week of work and the anticipation is growing. I hate it when that happens. I just want out of the stress, and I want to find some form of steady happiness.
These next steps in life are overwhelming and stressful. Plagued by depression and Adult ADD which makes concentration very difficult, I'm looking to change my life for the better. I've already taken the first step in leaving my job at the end of the week.
This will leave me unemployed, I understand, but the job will kill me. I have struggled for years to figure out what my path in life is, but I have discovered that Non-Profit Housing is NOT my path. I can not take one more raging lunatic on the phone nor can I stomach denying one more family an apartment because of their credit problems.
I am leaving the job, and have vowed to leave this house. I want out, and I want to heal.
....
The only goal I've ever had. The only thing I ever wanted to do was make a webcomic. It was put on hold, and it has suffered in the darkness of my mind. However, it is the only goal I can latch on to in this crazed phase of my life and the only thing I've thought about since Freshman year of college. Since I have trouble focusing on what to do next, I think the only sane course is to finally use the resources I have to follow that dream.
I believe my art sucks. It has suffered from the lack of practice. And my inner demons have caused me to see every irregularity and mistake and failure.
But it is STILL my passion. Irreguardless of how bad it actually is, it is my dream to make a comic strip. And seeing the style and quality of art from early Sluggy Freelance and Funny Farm gives me hope that I can at least tell a story well and in time grow my art.
...
These next steps in life are MINE to make and mine to follow, but I need the support and love of my friends more than ever before. I now have a path towards happiness, and I don't want to ever loose it.
---
Lately I've just been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. This is the last week of work and the anticipation is growing. I hate it when that happens. I just want out of the stress, and I want to find some form of steady happiness.
Break Time!
Posted 16 years agoI'm going on a Net-Break. Or whatever you want to call it. I'm not sure there's a term born for it.
I'm available by txt or cell if you need to reach me. I'm not opposed to that. I'll probably pop up on AIM only because I will be using the internet for researching purposes. I won't reply back and my IM will be on Away if that happens.
I will not be going to AC. Too soon with no room space.
I will respond to comments tomorrow, only to answer any questions that might pop up from this.
I'm available by txt or cell if you need to reach me. I'm not opposed to that. I'll probably pop up on AIM only because I will be using the internet for researching purposes. I won't reply back and my IM will be on Away if that happens.
I will not be going to AC. Too soon with no room space.
I will respond to comments tomorrow, only to answer any questions that might pop up from this.
AC Room
Posted 16 years agoI'm wanting to go to AC. Does anyone have Hotel Space? I'd really like a bed for my back, but anything is negotiable.
My Days Are Limited
Posted 16 years agoWell, huscoon finally saw the image I made of him in Hello Kitty underwear. So I figured my time is limited.
I want to thank you all for being there for me through life. I know some of you will never understand why I choose to go so soon using Death by Hello Kitty. I know some of you will understand that when such opportunities arise, that a true artist must take the challenge. Even if it means demise.
I love you all. ;.;
Don't cry for me FurAffinity
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild pics
My mad illustrations
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
*sniffle*
huscoon finally saw the image I made of him in Hello Kitty underwear. So I figured my time is limited.I want to thank you all for being there for me through life. I know some of you will never understand why I choose to go so soon using Death by Hello Kitty. I know some of you will understand that when such opportunities arise, that a true artist must take the challenge. Even if it means demise.
I love you all. ;.;
Don't cry for me FurAffinity
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild pics
My mad illustrations
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
*sniffle*
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