cloud-wolf - Maximus
anomoly. - Esperanza
Lisette - Luscinia
Plainsong - minutes to midnight

They owned wmes that were mates to my wmes, and I cannot produce a foal without them.

I've been sick a lot the past year, so I haven't been able to finish a lot. But the good news is I have a lot if almost finished pieces that you probably wont recognize as being my work. I changed things up again to upgrade the value. I've been studying more, and taking more time. Thus far my favorite piece im the closest to finishing has taken me around 10hrs. Which isn't bad for just attempting what I did and for it to work out.

I have some humanoid work incoming as well as some fur works. I hope you all will continue to watch my progress and support me with your comments and faves.

These guys have a special meaning to me.

https://youtu.be/HxFW3yFqPuc just can't let her go | junkomaeda
https://youtu.be/VlrIraTwZKI Rock N Roll | junkomaeda
https://youtu.be/xcL-0Wky4Qc ＤＡＲＫ ＨＯＲＳＥ || ＦＵＬＬ ＭＥＰ
https://youtu.be/VSmhU9AkLhQ Partners In Crime| Dangan Ronpa/SDR2 MEP FULL] [Mep#10]
https://youtu.be/YhBFr-eQr9Q Heart Attack {Full Dangan Ronpa MEP
https://youtu.be/z0ZuTPVTikU ❣Need Your Love❣ || DR/SDR2 FULL MEP
https://youtu.be/nu52Nlt_6JU [SNS] • Guys dont like me MEP - HBD Lilia
https://youtu.be/Y4gu6NytGwo Junkomaeda // D E A D I N S I D E
https://youtu.be/N4M1pkeTY10 Dangan Ronpa {FULL MEP}- I Ship It~!
https://youtu.be/SfQ2z_yD3lc Bad Apple
https://youtu.be/PLu3omHpwTA The Despair Song
https://youtu.be/gCswR0hot2I bruh your love | junkomaeda
https://youtu.be/yBtjb3bvM4U мz. єnoshima ✖ [Junkomaeda]
https://youtu.be/vU44AGKSGxk Junko x Komaeda - You're Just Too Perfect
https://youtu.be/tGtSDwm59_k?list=P.....PpUs0hEt4PO2tE counting stars :: komanami
https://youtu.be/NezL6av8jN4 Shut Up and Dance | Full Multifandom MEP [HBD AVA!] (MEP#3)

(more to come)

So I used to have this friend many many years ago that I talked to all the time, we were both in a relationship so it was useful to compare notes and get help every once in awhile. Long story short, she dumped him he had a hard time. He wandered off, Discovered I loved him yada yada. Thing about that was, is apparently he became gay after that and I say became rather then found out for a reason. That's not because he struck me as an uber manly man either. Anyways, so after re-connecting and actually seeing what he looked like via skype. I learned he wasn't at all what I thought he looked like, and he wasn't really my usual type. But he ended up reminding me, that the odd feeling I used to feel was love by acting his usual dorky way. It went on for awhile, and I did eventually tell him how I felt after a extremely intense all night skype session. Don't remember when but I distinctly remember it taking him awhile to come out and tell me even though he had been hinting at it and I had the suspicion. It kinda stung alittle but honestly I felt SO much better after I had remembered how I felt. I mean I was seriously relieved, it had been bothering me after I remembered and sat down thinking god... whats this familiar feeling? ...Shit... Oh shit. Don't tell me... Are you fucking kidding me? and then proceeded to scramble to locate him.

Problem is he wouldn't leave well enough alone, he acted like nothing had changed. Which wouldn't had been a bad thing if it weren't for the painfully obvious flirting. I mean I was still pretty fucked up from the relationship I had before. So yeah, between that and the random showing of his dick and shit made that all confusing. I still cant believe I put up with that kind of treatment just because I felt bad for him and he was once a close friend. But dude he was all kinds of fucked up, like... I'm fucked up in the gore kinda insane way. He was fuck his half sibling fucked up. Yeah, I know right the things I seem to attract. So besides flirting obviously he used love. A lot. in romantic ways. Especially after he became single. After a blow up with a friend that he instigated that fucklation went straight down hill. I didn't trust him anymore, because she and I had proof he was indeed flirting with me romantically along with other things. So she had no reason to come tearing after me anymore being we were the victims. NOT HIM. His excuse was he thought that if he didn't say that he loved me and all that lovey dovey stuff that I wouldn't be his friend anymore. Utter bullshittery am I right? I am one of the few people in my area known to support gay people, I had a lesbian friend that absolutely adored me and although I didn't feel the same way love interest wise I stayed friends with her.

For me, losing people is extremely hard. Because of abandonment issues, I get really clingy and when it comes to friends I'm only close to people I see as trustworthy. Once you betray me, it's over. When I say betray I mean stab me in the back, lie a shiton. So I try not to make being my friend incredibly difficult and make it a statement that I am a kind, caring and dependable friend. He knew that as much as I did because I wasn't the only one having relationship issues. He needed help too. So basically no matter what way it actually was, he lied and lied and lied either way. I ended it myself after talking to my friend, and getting all the proof and details. I also warned him never to hurt my friends again or he would dearly pay for it. Considering ALL the messages had time date stamps on them it wouldn't be very hard to send them to his new boyfriend. Thus he never bothered me again, HOWEVER.

I do check once in awhile to see if the asshole regrets what he did to me and our friendship and only once did he ever feel sorry and immediately went back to how I was lying. Yes, please tell me how my 300+ messages from you of varying content was a lie? especially via skype. Can't really hide that one away now can you? Anyways, so I decide to check things out since something seems to have changed.

There's this thing he said "I don't LIKE female parts" I like you, your personality not your body basically.

SO, what I found out is apparently he's come out as a Transgender now! XD Most likely because he's mentioned here and there that his boyfriend didn't want people to know he was gay, or that he was dating a boy. There was absolutely nothing to say he wanted to be a female when we were on talking terms daily, not even like Feminine clothes. girly hair style. And the fact he point blank said he didn't like female parts?! WHAT THE HELL does he think being trans means? You don't just say you're trans and stay completely the same for your entire life. You make changes to adapt to the gender you feel your should be, and frankly he used to have break downs when anyone thought he was a girl. (Besides the fact that girls often, compliment one another and get all up in the personal space to grope one another or be weird.)So yeah my Skepticism is pretty high, and I'd say he most definitely trying to be an attention whore again since no one from the old group really pay much attention to him anymore.

I just feel bad for the people who actually are Transgender or transitioning. He's a abomination, to the real people who live their whole lives knowing they're the opposite gender sometimes even fearing for their life and having great and amazing courage to admit that that's what they are and that's what makes them happy. That's true courage.

https://youtu.be/nvJFk2hMwlE Poor Unfortunate Souls
https://youtu.be/qywH5d9W5aw Numb ♦Full Danganronpa Mep ♦
https://youtu.be/YR_QAYSi3EI DESPAIR
https://youtu.be/PLVJRgrTHU8 ❝S愛S❞ ● Creepy Girls
https://youtu.be/CuIs1gqh0Xk Diabolik lovers- Psycho Love
https://youtu.be/lsK_VdTqXVk Diabolik Lovers AMV
https://youtu.be/RuOz8jWU4JA Pretty Little Psycho
https://youtu.be/f37oP81rdy0 diabolik lovers close amv
https://youtu.be/VlrIraTwZKI Rock N Roll | junkomaeda ((fave))
https://youtu.be/yBtjb3bvM4U мz. єnoshima ✖ [Junkomaeda]
https://youtu.be/Y4gu6NytGwo Junkomaeda // D E A D I N S I D E (Oh hellz YES!)
https://youtu.be/tGtSDwm59_k counting stars :: komanami
https://youtu.be/vU44AGKSGxk Junko x Komaeda - You're Just Too Perfect (Of course ;3)
https://youtu.be/hgUhitRXYYg Carry on Boltstrike
https://youtu.be/hQ42BxB83Mg You're Gonna Go Far Kid - Dangan Ronpa MEP [Full MEP #4]
https://youtu.be/Lb13HKPBqjI Highschool Of The Dead Opening English Theme
https://youtu.be/B0FB0ImTXko d e m o n s // noragami【AMV】
https://youtu.be/g9WcQmQSyIk Noragami AMV - Save Yourself
https://youtu.be/naI_UqTEpRk This Song Saved My Life - AMV
https://youtu.be/qXkNVp4IMcA Going In B l i n d {Jayfeather} (Effects Test)
https://youtu.be/RfEAZVvFndY -Warriors- Scourge AMV Radioactive (Original got removed) ☢
https://youtu.be/K287p_jVzYI E.T. // Pandora Hearts
https://youtu.be/lN963fd-Vcg [ I Need A Hero ] - Sword Art Online Full AMV
https://youtu.be/xRLfczya7LQ Sword Art Online (SAO) AMV - Comatose
https://youtu.be/bPM3-ej34uw Aya x Dio ~ Angel with a shotgun
https://youtu.be/CO8OsHo85BY English Ver. 「Servant of Evil / 悪ノ召使 (Piano)」cover by ✿ham 「●ω●」
https://youtu.be/mKhXZLEtI70 Me and My Broken Heart - Anime Mix AMV
https://youtu.be/foIfa1FSdHc Amnesia || Heroine & Ikki - Soldier
https://youtu.be/b7vr1vnc7iQ Amnesia || Heroine & Shin - Victim of Love
https://youtu.be/1Gy-EhrEdzc Promises
https://youtu.be/zfSMvaTD9dw Kingdom Hearts - Bring Me to Life [Music Video]
https://youtu.be/1hEQN4_fYc0 Werewolf Halloween
https://youtu.be/B0Z_KfPeJog Nightcore - He's A Monster [HD]
https://youtu.be/ypabIz9Azpk Anime Mix- Monster Remix
https://youtu.be/fcvjrrixor0 {{ Rosario + vampire - beautiful monster }}
https://youtu.be/rHpi--EBYHw AMV • Tokyo Ghoul - We Are
https://youtu.be/Layg_8j78zs Tokyo ghoul - Lion [AMV]ᴴᴰ
https://youtu.be/zbUHpioqiAs 「ＡＭＶ」 Tokyo Ghoul - Carnivore 「ＡＮＩＭＥ ＢＲＯＳ」
https://youtu.be/hEnA1bWb3NE Tokyo Ghoul - Cage The Beast ╠AMV╣
https://youtu.be/QQFGCcv_dGw Tokyo Ghoul AMV - Skillet Freak Show
https://youtu.be/r8fkJWQC2kI Last Resort
https://youtu.be/CIK4cGcfv1U Every Girl - AMV [Multiple]
https://youtu.be/dxxxWfuIpdo Anime - Time Of Dying
https://youtu.be/BClLJVW2U58 Anime - Face Down
https://youtu.be/UPT6oWo9Zjk I've Become So Numb - anime
https://youtu.be/BwzAqXcP2L8 Creepypasta amv Disturbia
https://youtu.be/Lc9RyX8yP28 Soul Eater amv - Asphyxiated Insanity
https://youtu.be/Ja0fPXoi1F8 jeff the killer- they're coming to take me away
https://youtu.be/5ucOXtpx4DA Jeff The Killer - Sexting

https://youtu.be/9Pxrfwff8uY one woman army
https://youtu.be/nu52Nlt_6JU Guys dont like me MEP
https://youtu.be/s3HrFg4o7PQ Slow Down { Fanservice ᴹᴱᴾ }
https://youtu.be/OZdQ-5Akw8k Tongue Twister MEP
https://youtu.be/QPWkhgm1gmc [MEP] HeartBreaker
https://youtu.be/0OdEBr6tzys What The Hell - Avril Lavigne amv
https://youtu.be/s2b6PQkA8cY [WS] Hit and Run MEP
https://youtu.be/4Rnvl5CiMzY |∞| F*CK U BETTAᴹᴱᴾ
https://youtu.be/DFlQqCHk7g0 [EDS] Take A Hint MEP
https://youtu.be/E4qvTBdvITI Electropop Amuto
https://youtu.be/R5YPbcPsEos ||MDS|| FLESH MEP
https://youtu.be/2zoLbw9vSu4 Hypnotic
https://youtu.be/WGfVq_Vs6_U Dirty Loving
https://youtu.be/F5Y0pfkmxg0 Starstruk Amuto
https://youtu.be/ON3IjoqKUo8 Applause
https://youtu.be/nDHJYvGuLSo My Unlucky Strike - AMV
https://youtu.be/YhBFr-eQr9Q Heart Attack Danganronpa
https://youtu.be/eDuKTQLv3HE Amv - Gοοd Timе 1080p
https://youtu.be/VvTI1C8CXQg ❤ Jealous- Nick Jonas {AMV} ❤
https://youtu.be/chYDDSVEmb4 Golden Love - AMV
https://youtu.be/uEUb5Uw4DtU Counting Stars - AMV
https://youtu.be/KyLg3ZD9bjA 「Re-Life」 I like it LOUD! - MEP
https://youtu.be/ON3IjoqKUo8 ||MDS|| APPLAUSE MEP
https://youtu.be/xp5raf1aYhQ 【Nanami & Tomoe】|| Crazy In Love
https://youtu.be/YNV18e54wy4 Down~Down~Down~Down~Down
https://youtu.be/ZSEPMPELOZI [Shugo Chara] ♠ He Could Be The One
https://youtu.be/fcadNCnG9PM Sword Art Online Awake and Alive
https://youtu.be/rFSeSCojyIE AMV Miss Independent
https://youtu.be/Q4zV9xjkceM ★♪ Shugo Chara's Poker Face ♪★
https://youtu.be/d4jYetIbFt0 ~*~ ✖Shugo Chara✖ - ♫ Circus ♫ ~*~
https://youtu.be/z9kF3Bw_NiA DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND ✿ Meghan Trainor【Ookami Shoujo to Kuro Ouji】AMV [vietsub+kara]
https://youtu.be/qqx1YhX9p5M?list=P....._7rr52_qmmaRc1 AMV Yato Is A Barbie Boy - Noragami (don't ask)
https://youtu.be/oLs15R3upwA ♫ Adorable ~ Tomoe/Nanami [HBD Shana!]
https://youtu.be/jv-v3t9igWg I Don't Like your girlfriend AMV
https://youtu.be/Jxa6e_8fCLs Amv - What Doesn't Kill You
https://youtu.be/tmLxt-U3Ujs Soul Eater - Kiss the Girl
https://youtu.be/UXnJ3RTS_Ho |SoulXMaka AMV- Your Love Is My Drug|
https://youtu.be/PYTSLl-gxXY Maka is a Bad Girlfriend
https://youtu.be/CZPp9DPJpus Soul x Maka } SMILE [Collab with Vi3009]
https://youtu.be/TiBbmOcHJOE Nightcore - This is Me
https://youtu.be/xi3OdVjFqCU Harvest Moon | Love Like Woe [Tina/Jamie]
https://youtu.be/WyxjBGMZbzI AMV - Paramore ∩(︶▽︶)∩ Misery Business
https://youtu.be/mVtyJAfntBY ❝S愛S❞ ● Girls Like You
https://youtu.be/fiZhc065w44 Castiel MV - Boy like you
https://youtu.be/jypEMZZZySI Sweet Amoris Kentin ~ In my Head
https://youtu.be/okdi-jTh4ME Poison [The Harem MEP]
https://youtu.be/9IAmFb0zRvs ♥Give Me Everything Tonight/Mep♥
https://youtu.be/WIeVvhEmKDM Boris hit the Bullseye
https://youtu.be/WGfVq_Vs6_U ||MDS|| & ♂LYS♂ SEXY BOYS

I haven't posted any art in awhile due to the fact I work a "full-time" job as my workplace calls it. I work almost every week, six days a week. When I am not working, I am generally working at home since my mother is disabled and apparently I am the only existing human being who will do anything for her. Thus eating up a shit-ton of my time, when I am not playing Indomita that is. Yes, I play Indomita. I'm a prominent player since a few of my horses are well-known around the site.

I have been doing art, I just haven't been able to finish anything. I have a commissioned piece from another site I'm almost done with that I am very proud of. I've also been busy caring for a new kitten an over-eager tom-cat who gets himself in trouble with all the other female cats by too much playing or attempts at suckling. It's been a rough time for me this year with all the losses, so I ask those that are watching me to be patient.

I really hate it when I have this kind of week, people always get pissed off or tell me to get over myself. Not even realizing I don't cry often, even less speak about what I'm feeling. Honestly, I hate myself too ok? Do you know what it's like to be vulnerable and squishy, it's weak. I hate being weak. I hate being preyed on. I hate being too nice. I hate being too mean. I hate being lonely. I hate being alone. but there's something I hate more. I hate lies, I hate my past. I hate the people that could see I was struggling and made it their game. Too bad I only forget things I don't want to.

Speaking of forgetting about things; I bring you to topic #1. My ex, I've found it incredibly hard to let go of him. Just him, all the others I told to go fuck off since they wanted to be players. I've made my own steps and determination with moving on finally from him, though I hit some snags. Such as what is appropriate to get rid of? That... I haven't already. It'd be kinda awkward to be in a new relationship and have them stumble upon old high school crap. That even you forgot you had.

The how do the fuck do you heal issue? Yeah, other then all the shit my family has done this person has made a HUGE impact on me both good and bad. The bad mainly being my trust isn't easy to come by, and at times it is going to be like pulling teeth. So! I GUESS I have to write a journal or something to get the whole un-resolved feelings solved or something. I just read a little bit of it at work, and thought yeah I can do that. Also would be an excellent thing to have around so that when he comes around again and unfortunately I know he will, did it with my best friend and when he was single which was supposedly the life he wanted "with the bitches" so yes I know he'll probably be bothering me around my birthday. Which gotta tell you it was a bit hard not to tell him bout my animals but I figured why bother, I had to find out from Facebook the rabbit we got together and I named died suddenly.

I've been on this whole kick where I wanna get people out of my life that are toxic, and generally not my friends. If they don't have the time to text me once in awhile to have a chat, go out and do something I want to do, or in general that im important to them I see no point in keeping the friendships. I already got rid of one last year, who was a college friend but constantly walked all over me. She was warned not to fuck with my friend's feelings and she did it anyways. She paid her price with more then just a tongue lashing, I was so fucking tired of her everything is about me bullshit. Trying to talk to her was a fucking chore, she'd interrupt, be rude and plain distasteful.

I've been not keeping contact with my best friend from high school, the only remaining friend that I had anything to do with the click I put together. Mainly because she's not been a good friend to me in the past, while I been a peach. Well if a peach had tooth and claws. Maybe a rambutan is a better fruit? Anyways, I've always had her back. Supported her, gave her my advice. Especially with relationships and babies. I invited her often to come stay with me, to have lunch with me, even to go see a movie I knew she would like. But the thing about her is is that she's totally two-faced. She'll lie right to my face about wanting to do something with me and I show up and she's not there. That's just rude. If you don't wanna hang out with me you don't have to, and obviously if she's been getting away with that shit this long I haven't. I just prefer people be honest with me. Because honesty hurts my feelings a lot less then lies do.

I mean... just imagine being lied to so often that you couldn't trust anyone. It's lonely, it's dark, it can even be insanity. The question rings.... "Why can't anybody just be honest with me?"

So I'll probably be doing the journal at some point, but I wont post it up or anything. There's a bit too much hurt and raw emotion for that. I might do some art to these songs as they do reflect some of my emotions, should have some time since I wont be dead on my feet unlike this week where I've had two nine hour shifts and most of the others were mornings. I literally laid on the grass in my yard and passed out for two hours earning a sunburn. >o<

AMV #1 - Impossible
https://youtu.be/Hq9qtGelmoY
Self-explanatory

AMV #2 - What if I need you
https://youtu.be/W93R9rtZbXs
Also self-explanatory

AMV #3 - Kryptonite
https://youtu.be/rJtQa-l9gOI
Pretty much self explanatory; I've mentioned something a few times that I'd rather not get into a few times in prior entries that mention him.

AMV #4 Payphone
https://youtu.be/uUIAWIJvgR0
I've looked up the meaning for these lyrics a few times and I have to say the meaning I found was satisfactory.

Anyways you see any of these four it'll probably be vent art.

https://youtu.be/ZPppN9jFE2c Scourge's Blindness
https://youtu.be/JOhNjcvs7WU If they knew...
https://youtu.be/qywH5d9W5aw Numb Danganronpa
https://youtu.be/J-9SIRxbxnc Zombie Warrior cats
https://youtu.be/fdEQmoUyveo Breakdown
https://youtu.be/qXkNVp4IMcA Going in Blind
https://youtu.be/aKnZQcFDBOI I promise we'll be warriors soon
https://youtu.be/1F0nkl_9kBU Dead Hearts (Loud warning towards end)
https://youtu.be/3Aim59UxPSc Never Fades (Also vocaloid warning at end)
https://youtu.be/d7hcl5glYIg darkness, darkness
https://youtu.be/xX1qDIhAlHU It took me by Surprise
https://youtu.be/FXYfp-TD_mg I'll never trust again
https://youtu.be/RfEAZVvFndY Scourge Radioactive
https://youtu.be/ZTQzhxWdE3M Scourge will not bow
https://youtu.be/qdZ_iBinHhw Time of Dying
https://youtu.be/8lo6YGtfrVk You'll Always be my Hero
https://youtu.be/Bu1qzpFXLeY Ashfur's Last Resort
https://youtu.be/LLDA9cfRLlg Future Diary OP 1
https://youtu.be/ypabIz9Azpk monster anime mix
https://youtu.be/lsK_VdTqXVk Devil Within
https://youtu.be/r4zRdAXqkH4 Amuto Crawl
https://youtu.be/r3kgiJeDjeM oz x alice Hold
https://youtu.be/hBSe46EEDYw Call me Break x alice
https://youtu.be/W93R9rtZbXs Amnesia What if I need you
https://youtu.be/4nTUEWQwaxo Just give me a reason Amnesia
https://youtu.be/cFT4nJVN2kE Better than I know myself
https://youtu.be/OGWLbE76UAQ Clarity Ukyo x heroine
https://youtu.be/m7nHHMFFu_E Never let me go
https://youtu.be/yzucXhxgKso His love will conquer all (especially)
https://youtu.be/FBVYMe50a14 Mirai x Akihito
https://youtu.be/n6l98cWUV58 Firefly and Entity
https://youtu.be/HO0z4Oed2fM A thousand Years
https://youtu.be/_u5VRp1tQnI Love without Touch
https://youtu.be/EJNZ58odQMQ Why did you change
https://youtu.be/PqHgjF3Qczc Be somebody (yukine)
https://youtu.be/OXSQkSfTv8A Gotta be Somebody <3
https://youtu.be/pLlLwGvGStQ Wolf children
https://youtu.be/J-9SIRxbxnc Zombie
https://youtu.be/JZvfVCmJJhQ Say something Tokyo Ravens
https://youtu.be/p4wAAtrsBXM?list=P.....jQaJ-mtJJE5jYS
https://youtu.be/IvMBw7QL8io Last Night The Familiar of Zero
https://youtu.be/-T73PtL6-18 Get Out Alive HOTD
https://youtu.be/Lb13HKPBqjI Opening HOTD
https://youtu.be/jcKaQmu7gSk This is War
https://youtu.be/lN963fd-Vcg Hero SAO
https://youtu.be/vYAjioEJjXo Your Guardian Angel SAO
https://youtu.be/6BRSNbgFLy0 Memory Anohana
https://youtu.be/1AblHvAyxk4 Say you love me more Anohana
https://youtu.be/Iq-yBpoBAow clowns
https://youtu.be/YA6Jl8kCGG8 I never told you Anohana
https://youtu.be/haDF-Sncq-Q If you only knew Rosario Vampire
https://youtu.be/fcvjrrixor0 Beautiful Monster Rosario Vampire
https://youtu.be/zI2vXd0o8dc Save Yourself Blue Exorcist
https://youtu.be/mTaykHtdh4Q Core Pride Blue Exorcist (warning 'tis catchy)
https://youtu.be/-60TpBADrQg In my world Blue Exorcist
https://youtu.be/jRd9g-Uw50M This Game No game, No life
https://youtu.be/2PA7ts5ICM4 Attack on Titan OP
https://youtu.be/b8UHLtn3NqU Skinny Love
https://youtu.be/8nLmFeKY3dU Need your love Toradora
https://youtu.be/3MPZ99hvGqY damn I wish you were here Toradora
https://youtu.be/UUN3kji7Hho battle field mix
https://youtu.be/rYG0jV1WbVA How do you love someone Shugo Chara (especially, especially)
https://youtu.be/YT4V2y6jxOo Heart breaker Shugo Chara
https://youtu.be/YT4V2y6jxOo Catch me Harvest moon <3
https://youtu.be/VoPzP-MwcLI?list=P.....B02A6F43CDF7D6 Just be friends Vocaloid
https://youtu.be/7_QMJvLJB04 Camilla Harvest moon
https://youtu.be/0XkMg0IZj6w Terrible Things
https://youtu.be/6WcAj5nASxI Thousand Years

I met the little scrap of fur one day returning from school, my sister still lived in the trailer with me and mom with her daughter. My sister liked cats, she took in a cat that was found in our neighbor's garage before he was adopted by a friend of my mom's. But this cat, I loved her from the moment I met her. She was in this clothes basket trying to climb out, meowing. I took her out and I was scolded. I remember that we weren't supposed to have pets, but I played with the landlord's daughter and I just had a feeling so I let her wander out where she could be seen. She was picked up and played with, and we didn't get in trouble. I got scolded a bit. I also once attempted to "dry her" out of curiousity. When my sister moved out, she took her with her. But she was often yelled at for pooping outside of her litterbox, I remember scolding my sister for it. When my sister moved again... my sister had some fish. You know how cats usually are with fish? She would sit on the tank and watch them, but she WAY preferred the fish food over them. Then she came to live with us, because my sister couldn't keep her. I had a big tank of fish, she'd sit and wait for me to feed the fish so she could get some. She was never really a hunter, the most she hunted was bugs. She slept with me sometimes. But it wasn't until I saved our... now remaining elder cat angel from a friend that she started sleeping with me most of the time. Angel was supposed to be my cat, but it didn't work that way. She stayed with my mom and took over her other side of her bed. Angel used to be a fun kitten, but when we had to take in Snickers when my sister again had to move Angel changed. Snickers chased her all the time, and it caused her to be tempermental. God all those Christmas's where they'd have bows stuck on their heads or when angel climbed in the tree. I miss them. Babe and Snickers played with eachother, and we sometimes took her out on the porch with us when Angel hunted and babe explored.

She loved that fresh air, but that was all she could do since she was declawed by my sister. She never seemed like she was in pain or anything, and she knew how to fight without her claws. Using her teeth and weight of her paws. Babe was the weird type of cat, she made friends with a huge groundhog and tried (failed) with a skunk. It was awful since we all know who she slept with. Angel hunted ate their heads and left the rest for Babe. Even Biggirl lived with us for awhile in that house before my brother found a place. I had to watch Babe and Angel because of the road, angel constantly sat and laid down in it so I was often dashing and picking up a cat putting them across the road. when we moved in town I had to worry more about it, it was in that house I was first bitten by a cat. Snickers had bitten into Angel and me being in my foggy half asleep state poked her. Yeah that was a bad choice but im all about those. Snickers loved the windows in that house she could sun herself in her bed. When biggirl came, I was happy. Like really happy. I walked her everyday, and brushed her. Snickers teased the poor thing when she came inside. The puppies came, all eleven of them. I delivered most of them, and I was sad when the eleventh puppy didn't make it. We tried and tried but it wouldn't keep breathing. Snickers didn't know what to make of the noisy balls of fur. even more when we got that big rainstorm and we had to bring them all in so they wouldn't drown. The cats were not pleased. when the puppies were adopted I was sad, I named some of them. Biggirl played with the ones left, I still remember one night we had the last two indoors with their mom and I sang the jiggly puff song to them and they all cocked their heads.

There were a few times I picked my cat up from the old purina building and put her in my backpack until we got home. We were forced to move again... and I lost the man I called my dad. I didn't have the will to keep things going through the awkwardness between my mom and him. ...I went through a lot of things in this trailer. I drew a lot, but... I had this dream of being a veterinarian so I could better take care of my cats and other animals like the strays I often came across. This was the place that Angel almost died at, she was late coming home one night. So I made any noises I thought possible in my brain dictionary to scare off anything that might be after her while I called for her. I cried when I saw her bounding figure finally, but... as I found out with another bite to my face she was clearly harmed. After she got stitches, we learned that our landlord's cat Yeowler never came home. He was a friendly talkative tom-cat and its likely whatever bit angel killed him. It was at this house that I came home from school one day, to have my mom tell me to go take a look at my cat. Snickers avoided the room and us. As I came in and saw her on my bed I could see what my mom was talking about she did look funny. When I came closer, I could see that snickers had bit into her neck and it was causing her face to swell. I often scolded Snickers about biting by the sled dog's movie way. to show her hey that hurts. She got better with it but I never fully broke her of it. Lucky for her all Babe needed was for it to be drained. This is also when Babe got her teeth first cleaned and her bad ones removed. I paid for it myself. This was also the place where I met my first boyfriend who I spent a lot of time with. He was nice to them even though he was allergic to them like his mom and as I learned I was allergic to them too. He played with them and petted them much like I would, he even would gently lift them off the bed if we were using it not that that really worked anyways. They were always near me, and watched me. (you can skip the next two paragraphs)

I had never had a harder time in my life then trying to protect what I was brought up to know. Family. My family was my pride and joy. I worked extremely hard to maintain grades and to make them proud and happy. No matter how I felt. There was more to it then that though. I always thought of them, how things would disappoint them. I held onto so many stupid beliefs that what mattered most was family. But nobody saw that through my outburst, screams, tears and sudden taste in rock music that I was suffering a great burden for many years. I had an aunt and uncle, who I loved as if they were my parents and they treated me like their child most of the time. However... the other times my uncle took an un-wanted interest in me. I was horrified, scared, confused and disgusted. I cried so many times at night into my pillow as Babe looked on, I said nothing. For years, I told myself I was protecting my aunt. I was protecting my family. When really it wasn't just that, I didn't know what he would do to me or my mother. My only parent. If I lost her I'd be completely alone. I was scared. I was scared of the man who taught me fishing, who taught me how to drive a tractor and a fourwheeler.

I often faught with my mother, it always seemed like anymore all she had cared about was her boyfriend. She never saw what I saw, he bribed me to go to the store so he could get some, he'd call and never show my mom cancelling all our plans, he didn't like going to my choir concerts so my mother complained at me so I gave up on my dream of being a singer. We only ate take out food, and he only took us to bars and mcdonalds. He never invited us to his family get-togethers, I never went to his house the whole four years they were together. He tried to pour cold water on me, when I was staying up on the weekends to watch wolf's rain. I hated him, I hated him with all my heart. I hid at the graveyard at my grandfather's grave, or stayed after, or purposely getting detension. I didn't feel close at all to my mother anymore, she never thought about the fact that I didn't know this person. I didn't know if my only parent would be coming back home when she was late from going somewhere with him. We argued a lot, and I didn't eat often. I became suicidal from dealing both. I debated cutting my wristed but I wasn't numb enough, so I dug the sharp part of the nail scraper on the nail clippers across my flesh. I became so sad, I started assigning what I would give to my friends. what my will would look like. As my grades plummeted to an all time low, that I almost failed. My cats were my only comfort other then my boyfriend ya know before he became a mega douch'e. After I came out about everything, my heart was torn out. My family abandoned me, just tossed me on the side of the road like a piece of trash.

Most of all my aunt, who I protected over and over again by reminding her husband whenever he would mention his "gf" that he was married. She told me she believed me, and then turned around and called me a liar. My mother forced me to talk to the police, not that it did any good. I couldn't remember much at that point, being my memory was all but now swiss cheese. I talked to the school councilor too. It wasn't until I had to go through the pain of watching Snickers slowly suffer and then the trauma of watching her throw up blood while calling out to us. Then to praying and then burying her. I did nothing but cry for a month. I avoided being home, I ignored Babe and pushed her away much like everything else in my life. As the guilt ate at me. The same day a month later, I got my heartbroken by the person I had accepted as my mate. I went on mourning my cat and my relationship to the point I vomited if I became too upset, to where I was suicidal. Every year, I still think about how Snickers isn't around for thanksgiving anymore and I cry.

Babe, she always had problems since she was a kitten. After all we did live in a crooked trailer, with my crooked mom and my old crooked tailed cat. She always left "presents" when she didn't feel well. But after awhile she was doing it a lot and vomiting. So I took her to the vet and she got some laxatone. She didn't much like that stuff. We adopted a kitten then our neighbors pregnant cat adopted us. Babe didn't care much for the kittens. I delivered them, Mushie was afraid and wanted to move them so we moved the box over to the couch. Princess mothered the kittens after Mushie weaned them. It wasn't until they were older that Babe took an interest. Cali accidentally was sleeping next to her and realized that then took off. Cali then started rubbing up against her. But what was most astonishing, that the little runt Precious took to me and my normally jealous cat didn't mind. Precious could rub up against her and nothing. I could play with her and Babe wouldn't mind. She could even sleep on the bed. Precious loves to play, she lets me chase her and tickle her belly and maul her.

Babe was a special cat, she was my whole world. The reason I wanted to become a vet, the reason I still had hope for this horrible world.

Yesterday, I had to make the choice to put down my best friend. She was 14 years old, and very very sick. But it doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I look around and she's not there. That I realize for the rest of my very long life, I'll never see her again or spend another day with her. The vet gave her two months- two years to live... and she didn't even last another day before she struggled with breathing and struggled to get enough air to walk. I couldn't bear to see her like that... even as she knew she was dying...all she cared about was comforting me. I've had her for so long I don't know how to function without worrying about her care and spoiling her. ...Just the day before I went to Walmart and bought her toys and a window bed. I know, she would've never been completely better. But it doesn't change that I wished I still had her and that she didn't have to die by cancer. I had dreams that we would beat the world record when we were little. I had hoped that she would pass away, in her sleep eventually. God she was so scared, and I told her I'd be with her until the end... but the vet took her away. It was just last month my dog had to be put down, I cant handle losing them both. All I've been doing is crying, I don't think I'll ever find a cat as special as my Babe (baby) she'd always look at me and meow or wait to be called. I could pat the furniture and she'd come, she slept in my arm sometimes putting her paws and claws on my face like she was telling me to hold her tighter. She let me hold her and hug her all the time and when I needed to cry she'd let me cry on her. If she was teasing to be picked up or for food she'd paw at you to do so. She loved to play by having her belly rubbed or with her circle ball toy with the cardboard in it. If I was laying on the floor she'd hop down to lay with me. If I was sick she'd stay with me while I slept. She was my entire world, she was my baby and I don't know what im going to do now that she's gone.

I just miss her so much and it hurts so badly to no longer see her body or hear her meow

Consisting mostly of Ferriswheel shipping & soulsilver shipping :)

Pika girl http://youtu.be/sa8G8pUN5mU
Dark Side (Favorite) http://youtu.be/K1vWqVBqGGU
My girl's ex-boyfriend http://youtu.be/wmof0Ls6MUs
The way I loved you http://youtu.be/i3UiJejhTqY
I'm with you (Favorite) http://youtu.be/-q29WdTRirk
Make me sing http://youtu.be/-UNZMmtkBX0
Truly, Madly, Deeply, (favorite) http://youtu.be/anKXuLA5WdY
Im in Heaven When N Kisses me http://youtu.be/yZDfJmZ6VMA
Just a Dream http://youtu.be/fJzl_qVOgnM
beauty and the beast (favorite) http://youtu.be/eSpjcE7sQrM
Mine http://youtu.be/B4gAjaZxiMw
Two Is Better Than One http://youtu.be/UbGpC80wb3E
Down http://youtu.be/MAMmA08XqFI
i think i'd have a heart attack (FAVORITE) http://youtu.be/KxojttFk_0Y
Accidentally in Love (<-<;) http://youtu.be/wXT-pGDTSVA
Mine http://youtu.be/mkUE-T7orZ4
No Air http://youtu.be/QT1EjLlBcok
Fallin' for u http://youtu.be/Wp1B2trbuwI
Firework (favorite) http://youtu.be/VDfPAuCS-t0
Bad Romance http://youtu.be/rE0tsFr2rvI
Meteor Shower http://youtu.be/2EDJSIoIBIg
Fool for love http://youtu.be/vFKMzh9d9zY
ѕнє нα∂ fιяє ιи нєя [ѕøυℓ] (Favorite) http://youtu.be/pprieeuUTjA
Paralyzer (Always a favorite) http://youtu.be/hOLjLO5d50U
I'll Meet You There http://youtu.be/GrJv0c2f7dk
Your Song (Favorite) http://youtu.be/bc904cuXXH4

Not just any dog, my first dog. I might not have had her since she was a puppy, or even when she was young but she'll always be my dog. I don't care that she was my brother's dog first, I don't care that she didn't always listen. She spent her life, serving me. Being there for me. She might not had been born into my life, but that mutt was best damn ol' dog I could ever have.

She may have had trouble walking, and fell down a lot and smelled really bad but she'll always be my girl. I learned so much from her from the short time I had her. They say that old dogs cant learn new tricks; That ol' dog learned hand signals and tricks my brother never taught her, she inspired me to learn more when I wasn't capable of following my dreams yet. She was the reason I learned and then did deliver puppies and that knowledge later helped me deliver kittens many years later. I used to spend every single day with that dog, brushing her, rubbing her belly, taking her for a walk around four blocks.

When I brushed her right before she had her puppies the yard looked like a fluffy dream with little cream colored clouds all over the place. She was so silly and sweet, even with her puppies. I remember her playing with some of her puppies in a play bow, or the time we were all rained in because I had went to bring all the pups in because I sensed a storm was coming but my brother told me to put them back. Then he ended up stranded with our mom in a car in the down pour, while me and my sister were out in the thunder and lightning trying to make sure they wouldn't be flooded out or that the roof wouldn't fly away over the kennel. Water up to my ankles, whinning puppies in a small dog house and two pups in my arms that couldn't fit with the rest of the brood. We ended up bringing them inside. When my brother came back I looked him straight in the eyes and "TOLD YOU SO!"

You know, after the pups had been born their dad Hunter came back to see them. He'd be missing her too if his owner hadn't given him away, he used to escape and come down and see her and play. Big-girl did have a long life, don't get me wrong. But it could've been better, my brother didn't always treat her well when he had her. Though he at least didn't ignore her, she didn't like being out in the rain. I took really good care of her, she used to be such a beautiful dog. I just wish we never had to move, or if we had to that that stupid double wide trailer would've been available. It broke my heart so god damn much to learn we weren't going to live there and we couldn't keep her. But what really broke my heart was being forced to let my sister have her, once she wore off being a new thing she didn't want to take care of her. Nobody in that fucking house wanted to take care of her, when I was down there I had to feed her, water her, take her out, take her for walks, bathe her, pet her. To the point I just fucking came out and had an argument with her about how I was being forced to take care of her made her my fucking dog NOT hers. My sister taking her meant biggirl was her responsibility not mine, but the burden was placed on me.

My sister has pissed me off so god damn much by not taking care of the dog that she basically promised me she would, to the point where I had to lift on a animal over 80lbs alone to bathe her. I had to buy her parasite medication, which might I add was fucking cheap. but I don't care, that medication improved her condition and she wasn't literally infested. But a few weeks ago, my dog couldn't walk. She was left in her filth to die. My sister might not had cared but I did, I ignored my fucking injury grabbed a fucking towel and got my dog back up on her legs. I didn't want her to die that way, I be damned if I let her die that way. I had that dog eating and drinking within an hour of having her back on her feet and going outside. .....Because I did that, she could walk again. She could walk on her own again, at least until today. When she was put to sleep.

I wanted to be there, I wanted to give that dog the best day of her life even if it was her last. Because she was there every single day, when I felt alone, un-wanted and used. When I buried my face in her fur and just cried, because of all the choices I had to make. Every single day I didn't have her, I missed her.

I may not had been there when she breathed her last breath of air and closed her eyes, but I did manage to change my sisters mind about disposing of her permanently. I'll at least have a body to bury when the snow is gone, and a place to be with... with my dog.

http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h.....ps32b1da7c.jpg

Well im feeling a shit ton better now that im not on that horrible pain medication for my shoulder. >.< As for this year, I have a lot to do.

Pokeshipping playlist journal
Lots of Gore requests
Need to pick up more art tricks
GO HIKING IN THE MOUNTAINS/HILL/FOREST AREA
Write message for package
Send Special package
Plan for visitor
Figure out how to draw anime people again
Volatikai
Job search/possible surgery?
WYRMS
WYRMS
WYRMS
DRAGON
Gore playlist journal
Get a tail? well.... an actual tail made by a fursuit maker.
Mountain Volatikai
MOAR DRIVING
Other rune factory/Harvest moon games or the new titles for the HM series by XSEED ~ Oh, Cam! <3
New glasses! Finally -_-* Lets see if I can find a pair that aren't awful
POKEMON
Try to start earning money for art even small amounts help!
Maybe look into attending college again

I really can't stop thinking about death, and it's not even really about my own death. At least not until recently. Everytime I look at my best friend who has grown old and bonier, I think about the one we lost and I think about the one im going to lose. With snickers, its always bothered me that I never took it upon myself to take her to the vet even though we didn't have the extra money for a hefty bill, so instead I had to watch her die slowly as she struggled to walk and eat up until the day she died. She didn't go out quietly, but she went out alone. I'll always regret that I didn't stay at the vet's because no matter how much I prayed to be wrong for her to survive I knew that deep down she was going to die and I wasn't there. I never thought she would die so soon, I mean I had been preparing myself for my older cat but I couldn't prepare myself to lose her. I always thought she'd be there for me when I lost my best friend.

Its harder when you are an atheist, because you don't blindly believe in something like a heaven or a god. You study and figure things out on your own. I stopped believing in the Christian faith many years ago, because of my life and everything I've lost. I just couldn't believe that there was some god out there that wholely knew my limitations, that would take away things so important to me to test me or make me a better person. On top of that there's so many different beliefs, if there was a heaven I'd want to be with all of my pets not just one. For reincarnation, I'd like to be born over and over again just to meet them again. I mean do you ever really wonder what happens when you die? I imagine it as this endless darkness full of a peaceful feeling. In most cases when you are about to die you feel oddly at peace.

Believing in ghosts used to help me sleep at night, but it wasn't just some blind belief. I used to spend hours talking to my grandfather in the graveyard, just telling him about how things were going with our family and it felt like I wasn't alone. I felt safe and comforted when I visited him. I didn't start becoming more aware of these feelings and senses until I woke up one night and couldn't move when I looked to the side of my bed there was a shadowy figure in a hat and trenchcoat. He was strangling me, with such force I couldn't breathe I couldn't move I could only watch as the feeling of someone's hands on my throat slowly disappeared. But I was still shocked and afraid so it took my body some time to begin breathing and able to move. It occurred to me that I might've upset one of the people buried in the graveyard since my main source of transportation around town was my bike. So I've been wary about visiting again and un-easy even now that we no longer live in town. It could've been chalked up to my incessant horrible nightmares, But it was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

When I found a serious boyfriend, I never really realized that his sister was dead. I mean I knew but not like.... it's hard to explain since we weren't close as kids. But for our first couple of dates, out in the back room something felt off. I was un-easy and I kept glancing around the room it felt like I was being watched by something, even when no one else was in there with me and it didn't feel friendly. It made me feel like I was going to be attacked, so I kept leaving to find him. In the main part of the house I didn't feel this, it was more of a light im being watched feeling. Until you know, doors were being opened by themselves. I wasn't told that the house was haunted until we were together for... I think a year he got talking about it when we were out in the hot tub and I openly said well that explains a lot. When I told him about the things I had been experiencing he told me about the things he and his family had. Needless to say it made my hair stand on end, and when I did end up staying over night in the guest room I often found I wasn't able to sleep because that feeling of being watched and attacked came back. I learned more about them, some of his sister's ashes were in the house and the spare room had once been her room. The more I found out about her the more I felt that she was still around. The things that set off my senses happened a lot less while I was there for the next couple of years.

When we moved into this apartment, it was the first time I didn't wake up constantly at 4am with a horrible nightmare. I had so very few nightmares it was shocking, not even like my really weird wacked up dreams that made me feel like I was on something. Like.... probably what I though smoking pot felt like to people. When snickers died, I just wanted to see her so badly. I just wanted to know that she was ok. That I don't remember if I felt paw steps on my legs or weight when no one else was there. But I was in turmoil, all I did was cry and heave and it got a lot worse when I realized the only other person to care about me cared more about himself to leave me in my time of need. It hit me hard, I ended up starving myself, stress vomiting, heaving, shaking intensely, feeling cold and my chest aching. When I did finally see snickers... I cried hard when I woke up. I had finally gotten to say good bye to her the way that I never had the chance to when she was alive. Since then there's been nothing. No matter how much I cry and miss her.

I understand why death happens, if we lived forever we'd have no need to reproduce. People would grow bored of living, and want to die. With death, comes life. Death makes room for new life to grow. With Snickers death, came a lot of pain but if she had never died we would've never adopted Princess; Sometimes with Princess it's like Snickers never left they act so much alike. I think they would've liked each other. If Snickers never died im not sure we would've taken in Mushie when her owners neglected her and killed her kittens. If we never took in Mushie, her next litter would've been killed with the same story of oh they were malformed, she was acting weird, she ate them. When, if she had been eating the first ones they would've had almost nothing to bury. Surely not a decent sized chicken box. She would've been pregnant again and if they killed the kittens then there would be nothing left of Rossi in this world seeing as he was hit by a car. Or Mushie would've been dead like the rest of her companions that she used to live with. If Snickers had lived, im not sure that even if we saved Mushie and her kittens if we would've kept them. Like we did. In her death alone she saved seven cats. We weren't able to keep them all, but we did keep Mushie and two of her female kittens. My sister adopted the female orange kitten and the black kitten who grew to look so much like his deceased father.

I feel bad for Rossi no sooner had he gone into the ground, did they forget about him. There's no marker, no one visits him. All they did was get more cats, finally gaining a brain did they decided to keep these ones in. Rossi was a good tom-cat, he was friendly and loveable. Most everyone loved him, the people that didn't never hurt him. He was fed by three different people, even the cabin people I discovered. So much love for one cat, but the people that owned him neglected him so much they lead him to his death. It wasn't something that was reasonable, he just needed to be fixed, fed and wormed. It wasn't that much money, and his death could've been prevented.... just like the poor kitten that was pancaked a few weeks before him.

When I start thinking about losing my best friend I think about what else I am losing; My heart. My humanity. My compassion. She's been with me through everything, more then any human being ever could be. Every time I cried she was there like a fluffy tissue wiping my tears, being close to me. I'll have to face everything alone again, I wont have someone concerned about how I feel or to be close to me when I sleep. I wont feel her claws on my face as I try to sleep. When im sick I wont have her sleeping with me. I don't know where were even going to bury her. But what will I become? Will I become a sick animal with little care about others, because I have lost everything I have ever cared about? Will I just become a walking corpse? I want to live, I want to survive but what is the point if everything I love withers and dies leaving me alone. When it comes to me, I've nearly drowned. It was peaceful just floating in the golden chocolate waters until my instincts kicked in to survive. But my thoughts were... is this how im going to die? Have I really done everything in this life that I could do? Did I help? Did I make a difference? When I think about my own death I wanna do more, I wanna see more, I want to be free. Like really free to feed my adventurous personality. When I sleep I become frightened and cry, because one day I wont wake up. It maybe sooner, or later then what I think.

This world I don't want to leave, it is so cruel but it is also so very beautiful. That often people forget about that, I appreciate the wonder and splendor of it as well as the dark side. Without death there can be no life. But I think I would give up reproduction to save the life of my best friend. I had always thought that she'd be right there with me when I died. It was a pleasant thought. Maybe even a lonely thought. It scares me that one day it all ends, for them it's a very short time depending on how well you care for them. For us, it's years that fly by too quickly. That you forget to appreciate what you have until its gone for what you know as forever. I just wish we knew something even just a little bit about what happens to us on a conscious level. It would make it easier for me to sleep at night, it would be easier to not burst into tears and dry heave until all the contents leave me. It'd be easier to live without all this pain eating at me.

I don't sleep well, if I sleep more then a few hours or sleep most of the day. My mother tells me I need to move on, but I cant forget it. I cant forget that my indecisiveness and submissiveness cause me not to try to save her. I forgot her face, it's hard to remember her as she was alive without looking at the few pictures we had. My mother she wanted to find another cat the same color as her, but I didn't want another cat especially not one the same color. It made me feel like she was trying to replace her, and that wasn't something I was willing to do. Even as I saw all the kittens I quickly moved away from the orange kitten and played with the male black tabby. Then to the others. While my mother clung to the orange one, she made it clear that she would only take that one. I begrudgingly gave in, and cried when the kitten reminded me of Snickers. Sometimes I still do, there's some hope in me that maybe some part of her is in Princess.

I just wish I wasn't so vulnerable to this, most people just go on living glancing back once in awhile. But i'm emotionally crippled by it to the point that I don't work on living my own life, make things better, etch out my own existence. My biggest strength being hope and my biggest weakness being fear. I most likely feel this way since I haven't had any recent expiriences with the dead. Last time, it was when I visited my boyfriend (at the time). There were three confimed, however the hound never showed while I was there. The woman in the woods must've been watching me as I got a drink at night. The grandmother or something walked around in the kitchen stopping just a few feet from where we slept. But the cat was very sick, and I didn't feel it was normal. If I was alone with the cat in the cellar I felt a more aggressive and unsafe feeling, I didn't like leaving her in the cellar. I didn't like being down there at night, someone even turned off the light while I was down there. But... I feel that whatever was down there wasn't friendly. A week after I left the cat died. That is now over a year ago. I kind of miss being where strange happenings occur, it made me feel like ghosts were entirely a possibility. Good or bad, it was comforting. I miss it. I miss being able to just hear my thoughts and feelings outloud.

I finally finished my Halloween icon for next year, show casing the style and effects I learned this year. I decided dispite how im feeling currently I'd wait until next year to un-veil it and it will be coming with a mature warning label. Thought it might actually be too big for an icon if that's the case I'll just boop it over to my profile picture. I still have a lot of art to do, some I think I might scrap as I can't draw fingers or intricate backrounds.

My next work is another personal character piece, I have two about finished and two I just started lining the other day. Im not really sure which I'll be finishing first. It depends on what kind of muse im working with on a day by day basis.

I have to save up some money to get my laptop worked on by a professional, my niece's ex-boyfriend was a total waste of space. He was supposed to work on it, granted he did not work on it free I gave them free food coupons at least worth 30$ that they saved not having to buy that stuff. I had to ask, it was at my sisters. It had dirt all up inside it, the driver drawer thing can be pulled off which is NOT supposed to happen and he brought it back absolutely DEAD. My charger cables were separated which they should've been connected and put right on the laptop. I am ABSOLUTELY VIVID by the way he "fixed" my laptop. STUPID FUCKER. He sure as fuck, even if he gets back with my niece is NOT getting free food. He's an abusive fucktard that needs to be put in his place which is fuckin jail. <_< He was even supposed to work on my mom's car, he did very little, snooped, smoked in it, had kids and strangers in it and brought it back on E. I swear to fuckin god if he dares to look me in the face and make a remark about my laptop he better fuckin out-run me because I will fuckin kill that useless abusive bastard. Im pretty sure that bastard already knows I am not to fuckin physically be messed with. I've already bit into his arm where he punched me in the head multiple times to make me let go. I've snapped a door frame, YES I snapped a door frame with my own brute strength. <_< While my sister was angry I told her it was her own damn fault for letting him parade around the place and take what isn't his. Somehow they fixed the door dunno how, don't care.

In other news energy drinks apparently have bull semen?

All my family's Christmas gifts are all wrapped, and let me tell you I fuckin hate odd shapes. The hot cocoa set was a bitch to wrap, literally the hardest one too.

I finally picked up warm bodies <3 cheesy or not gotta love my zombies <3

I'll be making another update for new years :3

I've been asked, how are you awake right now? After telling people how much I've slept. Most of the night, it's just me being alone with my thoughts. I don't wonder why, I know. I stay up, anything to keep myself pre-occupied to the point of sleep deprevation. I think about those thoughts im left with, sometimes I feel like Snickers never left. Sometimes I feel like I have a giant hole, that will never be filled again. That'll only keep getting larger until there's nothing left.

When she died it took me a long time to get used to that I wouldn't be woke up in the middle of the night anymore, that she wouldn't be there sleeping between my legs, there'd be no more kisses or loud purring when I cried. When she first died, it felt like she was still here and I do remember feeling like there were paw steps on my bed. A dream where I finally got to say goodbye the right way.

Princess reminds me a lot of her, it makes me feel like sometimes she never left. There's so much that she does like her sometimes I just cry. They probably would've played together. I have to get after her sometimes, like how I used to get after snickers.

I've listened to multiple people tell me god this, heaven that and rainbow bridge. But im an atheist, that doesn't comfort me that the guilt that I feel about my baby dying because no one would listen to me. I feel it more, with the topic about my dogs health constantly being brought up by my sister who didn't take care of her. I don't feel like, I should make the choice to put an animal down when I don't know what happens when you die. Everything is afraid of death and they fight it tooth and nail, I don't feel like I should take that away from her if she is that bad.

It used to comfort me, that although I don't believe in a "god" that there was something there. By the amount of paranormal activity I've come into contact with, I couldn't explain certain things. I've sensed things, I didn't even know a house of a ex-boyfriends was haunted until I think it was a year when he ended up talking about it. It mainly freaked me out, since the vibes I got wasn't friendly and it made me uncomfortable about being in a room alone. They say that if you can sense them they come to you, unfortunately I've had the pleasure of being attacked. It caused me to stop going to the cemetery to visit my grandfather's grave. I haven't had horrible nightmares since moving.

I don't really feel comfort anymore, I feel not sure again about what happens when you die. I haven't been in any paranormal contact since last year which is in a way great because I didn't want anything bad following me home when my home was peaceful.

I've already almost drowned at Letchworth when I fell out of a raft on a class trip. I blinked and suddenly I was surrounded by gold colored water, I cant swim extremely well so panic set in. Until with a jolt my brain realized that was a bad idea since we had been near a rock wall. I did float back up, but I was sweapt under again trying to catch my breath. It was quiet, almost peaceful. I had been in a rougher part of the river, I realized that when I was back up and saw another girl that had fallen out of the raft almost peacefully floating on the otherside of the river. I was calling for help, but they were going to get her first. I spotted a ore and clung onto it. By the time they got me in the raft I was shaking and tired.

With my life the way it is, if I died tomorrow would I really be proud of my accomplishments? yeah I did some good, but I also did bad. I don't feel like anyone would remember me. And the way my life is it only consists of working a meager job, with a painful shoulder injury. I get up work, eat, sleep. That isn't something that I wanna do for the rest of my life. I wanna do something that makes me happy, that's worth rolling out of bed and makes a difference.

You know, I was getting disappointed with the series after The Power of Three. The last series seemed really rushed and jumbled together.

But I have to say im quite happy with the main storyline's Prequel. It feels like it used to, even addressing things we didnt read before like the death of a pregnant queen, death of a new mother. Ignorance of toms. They focused more on the characters and family dynamics as well as emotions. It made me love this series again. Which is a great thing, that I waited to read it after the announcement the VERY FIRST series was getting new hard covers with a new artist doing the artwork.

That was extremely disappointing to see and read, the new artist is phenomenal with their artwork. However, it sucks because alot of us already have the books. For me I wouldnt want the same book, same content just for new cover art and alot of the other collectors felt the same. It's just a ploy to get people to re-buy the books, which wouldnt be bad if your book was in rough shape. But mine, are safely stacked and displayed on my bookshelf.

With how expensive the hard-covers are, I don't see many people doing it. Especially since rather then re-releasing the books with sparkly new covers they could've instead made some memrobilia for the fans and made kick ass posters, buttons, etc. You know, some sort of appreciation for their fanbase considering warriors was their first massive success.

These series I grew up with, hopefully they keep it together with the prequel series. This series spawned so many rp's, characters, wonders and dreams I'd hate to see it go down like a sinking ship.

I can already tell what kind of day today is gonna be. I called last week to get my hours but todays was wrong, ended up gettin up at 4am goin in at 5am took til 6am for the other manager to come in and realize I wasnt supposed to be there and alittle bit after to tell me I should call someone because they'll need me tonight.

My moms still arguing with her useless boyfriend today, dunno why four years he ain't gonna change. He dont wanna help, but he wants help. Yeah funny how that works.

Lovely time im havin on the day my cat died. ‹_‹ I decided to light the free incense I got for today since I don't have an non-ornamental candles. Can't go visit her. Can't talk about it... we never really do. We never talk about how I feel.

I got my laptop back; However it still has the virus. So whenever he gets time he'll fix it. In the meantime that means I get to keep it here for my use, so that means back to drawing again and videos :3 I have a few pieces I started before the trouble became too much.

I have been working on them some. But I did end up making another new one after being inspired. It features my old and original fursona Ice and her mate Hyren. Dis-claimer: Not a hyena. Nope wrong guess! As promised I said I might do art of them and I am.

I'm thinking about trying to make avatars again. But this time for money after making a few of my own. I haven't made one myself in over a year I'd like to see what I can do with that starting with a new Lacie one.

If I can save up or get some money commissions I could afford to sell this tablet and actually buy one that does have pen pressure im pretty sure that my lines are one of the issues why I cant seem to get comissions

Just got back from hanging out with my best friend, that was seriously fun! It was nice spending time with her, and talking even if the shop was more then a bit akward. XD Mostly pipes, bongs, and hookas. We walked around a few times, she was supposed to look for a hooka for her boyfriend so I was asking what he liked. No info really. Then, we looked for what I was looking for. But... There werent any glass toys. Most of the ones there were silicone... which I dont wanna use after expirencing the flaming fire of hell down dere. Oh, no. no. no. and most of the hard rubber or metal one were plain and un-realistic. She pointed out a good option. So we went up she got her little purple hooka, thought she was gonna get a toy like we talked. nope. Then two dudes walked in, when I got my toy. I was waitin for em to say somethin but they didnt. Got a incense stick box. not sure what i'll do with them. off to kfc we went where she bought me lunch and a bunch o stuff for her and her man. I wanted to spend the day with her but she had to go shopping. and... I might've lost my sunglasses. Hopefully they're in her truck, I really hate the rare moments I get to enjoy the sunlight and I get blinded. :< But all in all it was nice catching up and talking to her. Since work keeps me pretty un-social

I had been working on a piece of Lust's grand-daughter, as each member of Lust's family is different each have their own struggles and therefore have their own demons. Freeze in particular has many, you might even say some are in her head But as I sit here and listen to The Devil Within im thinking of making a piece when I can get my repaired laptop featuring Lust. Really... I could do many of them based on her history with this song alone. It's really too bad im not good at comics, I really would like to tell her story that way or even animation.

Not really sure if I'll be able to pull them off just be forewarned there might be gore

Im sitting here all cool like surfin the net after taking a four hour really needed nap and a snack of cider with a cinnamon donut. Well I start hearing a noise, and Im like... That kinda sounds like an owl. and im like ok. THEN it starts getting louder and closer until it sounds very close and I just stare at the window terrified, I had REALLY hoped that you know maybe it was a neighbors cat outside but there really wasnt any cat like noises. So im frozen in the chair thinking... im out in the living room alone the cats arent even out here. Do I WANT to turn on a light outside and look out the blinds to possibly be scared shitless. NO NO NO. I go to my room and wake up my cat come back out and NO NOISE. NOTHING. I can throughly say it must've seen my light in my room come on and hid/took off. Since someone went out and started a car or shut it off not long after. Still... not fun when you not only have a big imagination, but also can sense ghosts. ›.‹ They seem to be more active when they realize you can sense something is off in a room when you are the only person in it. So far I been lucky here, I haven't been attacked in some time. The only ghost I've ever had contact with here is my own cat. But I havent sensed her or been visited by her since she said goodbye. Not, to say I havent had a few run ins. My ex's property seemed active from what he told me when I stayed with him last year.

THANK GOODNESS I did not have the pleasure of meeting the violent ones. ›.‹ I did however sense the yard was not safe when I went to get a drink in the kitchen. But I didn't see her. And I didnt hear the creature that I suspected was a hellhound run up the road. The only one I did personally meet was the one that was supposidly his grandmother. Foot steps in the kitchen stopping short of the living room where we both slept. I say SUPPOSIDLY, because the animals werent very healthy. not from lack of care. Lady been through hell and... whiskers was about dead. The difference whiskers being the one in the basement, lady was up stairs. I didnt like whiskers being down there alone, yes I like cats but... I didn't feel safe down there. Even if the lights were on, and I was alone with her. She died shortly after my visit :( I dont think that ghost was his grandmother at all, to me it seemed more like a demon since it made whiskers go downhill and yeah she was old but not much older then my own chubalub that I grabbed from my bed. Whiskers could barely walk to eat and drink, she only got out of her bed when she needed to and most of the time did not make it to her litterbox. Like I said this cat was well cared for. They had money, she always had food water, she had toys and she got moist. She never was yelled at or punished. I figured she would die after I left so I was constantly with her even if I was afraid. I just had hoped I was wrong but... it doesn't appear I was. They had also had a scare with the dog :/

I find it creepy that whatever that was left when I turned my bedroom light on. ›.‹ I really dislike dealing with spooky things because most people arent around or would notice it. OR FREAKING TELL me if they did. ‹.‹

Im trying to avoid sleeping until there's some light out ›.‹

You know, I have never seen a more horrifying movie or cartoon; Yet I feel compelled to re-watch it for a old movie it's pretty interesting, really I think I get more enjoyment out of watching old movies. I would say if it weren't for the fact someone could end up traumatized that this movie would be good for English class.

Though I could say the same for Plague dogs or Watership down; Good ol Watership down. I overall enjoy them dispite them being old

I wonder if there are people with attraction to albinos? I mean, I know Soul is kinda like a albino. Just a tanner skin tone. But lets be honest Soul Eater is awesome. Well- I think he is anyways; Same with maka. People act like being pale is weird, like it's not natural when it is. Everyone Caucasian starts out pale, we just tend to darken from sun exposure as we age or depending on ethnicity burn ALOT/ Darken a lot.

Personally, I like being pale. I was tan when I was a kid and you can still see the tan on my arms. But you know, you tend to get out a lot less when you are sick all the time. When I was younger, I got sick all the time. I didn't eat much, didn't do much I was kinda a GG (gross goldfish) for like four days to a week. Every couple of months. So I got used to being inside. With my mom even when I was moderately healthy I wasn't to go wandering dispite having the urge to go off and explore the woods. Kids get bored of doing the same things over and over. I played games, watched tv and no I didn't gain weight. But as a result of being sick I was often ghostly pale. Due to decaying regrown adenoids, swollen tonsils, sick, or iron/blood problems. Yeah... my doctor isn't too bright. But to be fair the jack ass who left the tonsils in was no better. Considering I was sick way more then it helped and I prove that since I've only been sick once in the... like four years they've been taken out. Which was horrible. About a half more worse then what I was feeling when I got sick before they took them out >.<

All I did was sleep, have gross mouth, vomit, lounge around. I couldn't even sleep alone, because I woke up one night and couldn't breathe. Literally had a ball of gook blocking my airway until I sat up and savagely coughed it out. Man I didn't even get my fancy drink thing I saw at taco bell after I got it done. Heh my teacher thought I could come in after school and try to catch up. Yeah... no. My aunt and mother made it clear my mouth was reeking like something died. I mean how do they expect you to do all that work when you're laid up?

Fun Fact 03 is I'm not very far from an albino. I'm extremely pale, you CAN see my veins. The only difference is it's only my skin. I do have tannish arms. Green eyes and a hair color like honey. Honestly, I don't mind it. For the record however... I don't sit inside all the time. I like exploring, and adventure. The forest is my domain. I wont get lost even in an unfamiliar forest. One of my ex's had trails, I got mad and went off into the woods. The dog followed me, and I navigated it well until the very last path. That one the dog did help me on. So, if you're thinking I never get out that'd be an incorrect assumption. I love, being outside. EXCEPT for in the winter. AGH NO. BLIND. I love the fresh air and the feeling of the sun on my skin, the sounds of the birds watching the deer in the field or the foxes playing with their kits. I just don't like tanning, for one BURNS HURT. Yeah no I fucking hate being burnt and then oh my god the itching drives me insane.

The other thing, I'd rather not tan like every other girl. I don't like make-up either. I'd rather be different and be myself. The only me I can be. If that's looking like a vampire in the sunlight, hey cool whatever least I can pull it off. XD Though, if you were to refer to me as a vampire please refer to me as a Diabolik Lover one. Rather then Twilight thank you. :) Just be aware, My hands, mainly my fingers and toes are very cold as the weather turns colder. I have been known to give people chills and goosebumps ^-^;

http://youtu.be/f37oP81rdy0

These guys with No freaking personality, always concerned about their dicks. So much irritation and they ALWAYS SEEM TO FIND ME, If I didn't wanna talk to football players I sure as hell do not wanna talk to some idiot who thinks he's a gift to women. I don't like you, I don't like talking to you. Big boobs do not in ANY WAY shape or form mean PLEASE TALK TO ME I am SO BORED without you. IF anything these are weapons, I can and will smother you to death.

AGH jesus no. I do not want to have sex with you. Just because you're good looking does not mean I want to jump your bone. I don't go for pigs and I don't go for just looks. WHY me. ;n;

oh and old men hitting on young girls. SIR I LOOK 12-16YRS that shit IS CREEPY. That's CREEPY for me and im 22. Complimenting me on my voice is nice, but when Im being told to make food with love I take that seriously offensively. I take orders, MY ASS is no where near the food. I don't love you; I don't love this job and lastly quit being a fucking creeper. If im making food with love for one it's gonna be sweets for two definitely not for you.

Don't even get me started on the ex boyfriend who only seems to pop around when someone else is interested. It's like a little fucking radar went off in his head . and im just like (-_-) go away now please.

I CANT