If anyone wonders why I am not uploading the most recently commissioned art here yet, it is because I first want to upload all previous art I haven't gotten around to uploading yet.

So just bear with me! It will all come in due time. I am just a bit slow with uploading so far.

It's been almost seven years since the last journal I wrote for FA. I've been active on Twitter for the past couple of years, and a lot has changed during these 7 years, especially recently.

My relationship with  Sanjiva has come to an end, but we are still very close friends, and still living together.

Instead, something entirely new and wonderful has happened to me, something I've wanted for the past 20 years, and something I thought would never happen. I have become a pet. The immensely wonderful and loving  NiveusLepus has become my Owner, and I must admit to feeling more happy and fulfilled than I have felt in 20 years.

In May 2022, I am hopefully going to travel to visit Her for the first time, and I am looking forward to it so much.

Being submissive, asexual and into hypnosis, I never thought I would find someone willing to become my Owner, but after  NiveusLepus and me got to know each other, things almost happened by themselves, and all of a sudden we realized it felt natural and good for both of us for her to own me.

So now I am happily owned, and basically floating on clouds, because it feels so right for me to be the loving pet of  NiveusLepus. I honestly couldn't be happier!

Okay, my last journal was exactly a year ago, and was about NordicFuzzCon 2014. Time to make a new journal. I don't spend much time by the computer these days, as you can clearly tell from how rarely I am posting anything. Work takes up a lot of my time, and my highest priority for my spare time is to be with my beloved fiancee  Sanjiva who moved to live with me last spring. Since then, we've been living together, and it is absolutely wonderful to share our lives together like this!

This year we went together to NordicFuzzCon 2015, which was my second con, and Sanjiva's first con ever. We had a great time, just hanging out with all the wonderful furries, even though we wish we had had even more time to spend there. Time just goes so fast, and there's not enough time for meeting everyone we'd like to meet.

We were also performing a few songs at the Furry Music Café and for the Charity Concert, even though we were both extremely rusty and out of practice. Sanji did a great job doing the songs she were singing, but I am not too pleased with my own playing. It's been 14 years since I last was on a stage, as my last band stopped playing in 2001, and I've not been practising much for the past years. But hopefully, we will have time to practice much more for next year's con.

Anyway, we had such an awesome time at the con, and we're so much looking forward to next year's con, and to meeting everyone again! We're sending a huge thanks to all of you who we met, and who made the con such a great experience!

With this journal, I just wish to say a huge thank you, to everyone at NordicFuzzCon 2014, for being there and making it such a wonderful experience!

I had a great time hanging out with those I already know, and also getting to know some new lovely individuals! Being as shy as I am among large groups of people, and as awkward I feel while interacting with people I didn't know previously, I still ended up having a wonderful time!

It is for reasons such as my shyness, that it has taken me so long to finally go to a con! Well, not entirely true; I would have attended NFC already last year, if I had been able to get time off from work back then! But yes, I never came along with my friends, back in the late 90's and early 2000's, when they started going to furry cons.

So I am 15 years too late... but... better late than never! And it was truly an amazing experience! I am glad to be at this point now, in my life, that I can go to a con enjoy it so much! Once again, thanks to all of you for being such great and wonderful individuals, you know who you are! It was great meeting you, and spending time with you, whether it was just a brief hug and a few words exchanged, or if we hung out every day!

I am trying to think of highlights to mention, but... seriously, the entire con was nothing but full of highlights, so this journal would get way too long, if I would start mentioning everything! It was just several days packed full of great moments, spent with great people! :D

I'm already looking forward to NFC 2015!

So yes, I would like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas (or a God Jul as we say in Swedish), even though I am a slight bit late!

And also, being a bit early, I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year, and hopes for 2014 to be a really great year for everyone!

Some of you who know me on a more personal basis, might know that I have considered myself to be asexual. I've never been interested in having a sexual relationship with anyone. I've always considered myself to be monogamous, and for many years, I was wanting to have a non-sexual, but romantic relationship with someone I loved. This never worked out, and eventually, I reluctantly gave up the thought of ever being able to be in a romantic, monogamous relationship with someone.

I focused myself upon building a future, living with friends in a kind of collective-type living, and this is what I've been aiming for, for many years now, and completely being set on never getting a partner to share my life with. How could I ever hope to encounter someone who would be interested in being romantically interested in an asexual bull such as myself?

But, unexpected things has been happening lately, turning my world in new and strange, but completely wonderful directions that I would never have predicted, and suddenly, I find myself in an entirely different world. A world I am unaccustomed to, but a world that feels glorious and welcoming. A world that I am eager to make my home, even though I know I am likely to stumble in the beginning, since it is all so new to me.

I am agog! I am aghast! Is Silkyfur in love at last? I've never heard him `ooh' and `aah'

But yes, it is true; I have met someone so immensely wonderful and special, who has awoken feelings within me, feelings that I didn't even know I had. Someone who has caused a deep love to grow within my heart, and that feeling of love only keeps growing stronger for each day. She makes me so happy, just by existing, and I feel I want to do anything for her. Just thinking about her makes me feel so wonderfully good, and I wish it would be possible to spend every single moment in her presence.

I am so happy that we have found each other, and that our love has been able to grow as strong as it now has. She is making me feel like no one else has ever been able to make feel. I don't think anyone else could have "awakened" me in the way that she's been able to do. She is purely amazing.

Who is she? Well... I won't say, just yet. :)

Some of you knows who she is, but let this be our little secret for just a little while.

I love her! <3

Hello everyone!

First of all, I'd like to apologise for my lack of activity lately, and also for me not keeping up with replying to all comments I get! I'll try to get a little more active again. :)

Secondly, I would like to thank everyone who responded to my last journal, about the preferred pronunciation of the word 'minotaur'. To pronounce the letter 'i' as in the word 'mint' was the preferred pronunciation, by about 66% of the people who responded.

Personally, I prefer to pronounce it as in the word 'mint', mainly because that is how it is pronounced in Swedish, but it is also, I believe, how it is pronounced in Greek, which is the origin of the word.

Minotaur - a word with two different pronunciations in English, and both seem to be rather common. But I am wondering... which pronunciation is the most common, and which pronunication does people tend to prefer?

Do you pronounce the i like in the word 'mint' or as in the word 'mind'?

I am curious to find out what you prefer the most.

I am interested in as many replies as possible. :)

Mind or mint?

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects.....nity-the-movie


Do I believe that we can change the way we act as a species? Yes, I do. I believe that we have to change, and I believe that we can. This belief is the only thing that keeps me from feeling hopeless and miserable.

But to change, we have to spread knowledge and awareness.

We are able to change.

If you live in a country within the EU, please sign this petition for better treatment of dairy cows within the EU!

Sign here: http://www.happycows.eu/sign

Unfortunately, only those who live within the EU can sign!


By signing, this mail will be sent to the EU commission:

"To EU Commissioner,

Europe’s 23 Million cows don't have specific rules to protect their welfare as there are for pigs and hens. I think it’s unfair and I believe we need to show our hard-working dairy cows some love. I want you to use your influence to introduce a specific EU Directive to protect them. The campaign Supporting Better Dairy has a full proposal on the Directive content that I believe you should consider. You can view it at http://www.happycows.eu/EUDirectiveContent

Thank you,"


The proposal for the better rules read like this:

Proposal for a EU Directive on Dairy Cow Welfare

New EU rules for the welfare of dairy cows could be based on the four Welfare Quality® principles of Good Feeding, Good Housing, Good Health and Appropriate Behaviour.

The Directive should introduce common, specific and enforceable standards across Europe as for laying hens, calves, pigs and chickens reared for meat. These standards should be based on ethical values and sound scientific evidence, consistent with the scientific opinions and reports of the European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) and appropriate for dairy systems across the EU.

In line with the four EU Welfare Quality® principles, the Directive should lay down rules that ensure:

Good Housing: Access to grazing and standards for indoor housing

Cows and replacement heifers should have daily access to grazing in the grass growing season and shelter against extreme weather. Where pasture access is not possible, outdoor access must be provided in all systems. When housed outdoor loafing areas must be provided with suitable drainage and appropriate bedding. Resting areas should be clean, comfortable, adequately drained, with soft bedding such as straw, sand or other deformable material.

Housing requirements should include minimum space allowances (for exercise, free movement, resting, feeding and drinking); individual penning should not be permitted. There should be at least 5-10% more cubicles or lying boxes than the number of cows in the group and all animals should be able to lie down simultaneously in loose housing systems.

Flooring should be non-slip. Smooth concrete floors must be grooved or treated with a non-slip coating; rough floors should not cause foot damage.

Prohibit tethering, except for specified procedures of short duration (eg. during veterinary procedures).

Conditions for indoor climate should be specified (lighting, temperature, ventilation, humidity, gas concentrations and noise levels).


Good Feeding: Daily diet meets the cow’s needs

The daily ration should provide sufficient energy, nutrients and dietary fibre to meet metabolic requirements and promote good digestion, with adequate roughage for correct rumen function. Grass grazing and/or forage should form a significant portion of the daily ration.

Feeding systems should allow each cow to meet her needs for quantity and quality of feed.

Fresh and clean drinking water must be provided ad libitum indoor and out.


Good Health: Ensuring cows are healthy, and do not undergo pain and suffering

Improvement programmes should be implemented for the reduction of lameness, mastitis and infertility and to improve body condition.

Permissible non-therapeutic surgical procedures should be specified. Castration, dehorning and disbudding should be performed under prolonged analgesia and anaesthesia. Branding and the use of non-therapeutic drugs are not permitted.

Regular inspection of animals is required with adequate veterinary treatment for sick or injured animals; sick pens have defined standards. High levels of stockmanship are required; appropriate training programmes should be required. Regular cleaning and disinfection protocols are required.

Breeding should promote robustness, good health and longevity and confirmation that ensures male calves can be utilised for veal or beef. Requirement that the calf receives good quality colostrum within the first 6 hours.


Appropriate Behaviour: Cows have the opportunity to express their natural behaviour

The yield potential should not limit the behavioural repertoire of the lactating cow (there should be time for exercise, grazing and socialising ) or her ability to sustain milk production off a grass based diet without experiencing digestive problems or excessive loss of body condition due to high yields.

Excessive aggression should be prevented by keeping cows in appropriate social groups with appropriate pen design.

Handling aids should be specified (electric prods, loud noise and physical force should be prohibited).




Sign here: http://www.happycows.eu/sign

I am glad to see a new FA group for Bovines being created, as the old one has been entirely inactive since the summer of 2011.

Hopefully, it will be a good group for Bovines and fans of Bovines. :)

I joined it, and if you are a Bovine, or if you are a fan of Bovines, you are welcome to join also!

 bovineoffa is the place to go to.

If you're an artist and you have works of bovines in your gallery, they can add your bovine pictures to their gallery, and link to your original submission, and possibly get you some new watchers! So contact them if you have any bovine pictures!

In two days from now, Thursday the 28th of March, this human body of mine will be 36 years old. I still feel young, however. To me it will be just another ordinary work-day, or rather, it will be an insanely stressful workday, since it is Easter and work will be extra hectic.

Thursday the 28th of March, is also the first day of NordicFuzzCon and I truly wish I would have been able to attend! Several of my close RL friends are going, and there are also several people attending, that I have encountered on the net over the past year or so. People I've not yet met in RL, and who I'd love to meet.

But, I have to work the entire weekend, and it was impossible for me to get any days off work. So, no NFC for me.

To you who are going, I really hope you have a great time! :D


Also, here are some sweet photos of a hand raised reindeer from Finland: http://imgur.com/gallery/Nd7Q2

The reindeer was apparently born 1 1/2 month prematurely and weighed slightly more than half of what they should weigh when they are newborn.

Well, so it finally was released at the cinemas here in Sweden. Cloud Atlas. The release dates this film has had in different countries have been unusually strange and very far apart. But I finally got to see it, I just got back home after having watched Cloud Atlas in the cinema.

I've been looking forward to seeing this film ever since the beginning of December last year, when I first heard about it, as  Maquenda was talking about it.

I've been avoiding all spoilers apart from the brief things which Maquenda told me, but those little things were enough for me to know that I would love this film. And I certainly did. I was in tears at many scenes, and a lot of scenes had a profound impact.

It's so rare to see a film that corresponds so well with my own spiritual beliefs, and this film was focusing on a lot of what is my core spiritual beliefs. It also brings several important messages to everyone, and I wish every person on this planet would take those messages to their hearts.

How important it is for us all to do good deeds, and how what we do in every day life, has an impact on everyone, and everything else in the world.

It's going to take a while to fully digest all the amazing things of this movie. I had great expectations, and the film did much more than live up to those. I love films that affect me this much. :)

Tonight I picked up two hitchhikers, who were stood on the side of the road in the village where I live. I picked them up, because I was going in the same direction, and would only have a detour of about 2 kilometers to get to the place they wanted to go, which was a house in the forest, located 13 kilometers from where I live.

It was a man and a woman, between 25 and 30 years old or so, both spoke very good Swedish, but she had a Finnish accent, and he had a German accent. They were really nice, and I believe they were hippies, as they come from a commune in Copenhagen, and had just bought this house together with many other people, to have as another commune.

It made me think back to the 1990's, when one of my best friend's mother moved in to live with a vegan/pacifist/hippie-commune, and I was there quite a lot.

I was just thinking about how rare it is with hitchhikers these days. In the 1980's one often saw people hitchhiking, and my mom said that in the 1950's and 1960's when my mom was a teenager, they were hitchhiking almost everywhere they went.

These days, it is so uncommon; picking up these people today, was only the third time I am picking up hitchhikers in the past five years. Not that I blame them. I would not dare to hitchhike myself, really, not unless something happening, like having my car break down or something like that.


Now from some ponderings in general, to a completely different topic:

I find it outright appalling and disgusting, how the FA staff were dealing with the recent stalker-issue. This whole thing is really making me want to leave FA. However... I have just found so many wonderful friends and people here, that I really don't want to lose touch with you all.

I am not going to leave FA. Not yet, anyway, not until I have found something that can replace FA properly. I don't like SoFurry, for many reasons. I do not like the layout, or the way the site is structured. I have also had problems with SoFurry admins in the past.

I am also not very fond of Weasyl, especially not the layout, or the thing with having your commissioned pieces in 'collections' rather than being allowed to upload them yourself. You're only allowed to upload the commissioned pieces yourself, if the artist is not on Weasyl. So... what if I upload a commissioned piece on Weasyl, and get comments on it, and if the artist gets a Weasyl-account a year later, I would have to delete my commissioned piece and lose all the comments.

I haven't figured out how 'groups' works yet on Weasyl. I like the groups on FA, even though a lot of them are pretty inactive. If the group-thing on Weasyl turns out to be good, that is something I will like, but right now, I haven't even seen any groups on Weasyl.

So, anyway. Today, I just made myself an account on Weasyl. You can find me at https://www.weasyl.com/profile/silkyfur

My profile is so far empty, but I plan to start using Weasyl, and upload pictures and journals there, as well as here. If all, or nearly all of my friends eventually become active on Weasyl as well, I might leave FA. If several of my friends are still mostly active on FA, I am going to keep being here, to be able to socialise with those friends.

As much as I truly would like to leave FA, as a result of the staff's behaviour, I do not want to leave a great community, where there are so many great individuals.

It only takes a few arseholes to ruin something beautiful for the many.

If you like beautiful, interesting and experimental music, then I suggest you should check out the band that  Sanjiva is singing with, Karneval. They have some really beautiful and fascinating music of the experimental kind. Find a link to one of their beautiful songs in this journal by Sanjiva: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4072290/
Also, here is some more: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9804177

These are good examples of what to expect, if you buy their entire album for download. I bought it, and I loved it. :) If you like what you hear, i suggest you buy it also. :)

Also, if you're not too keen on experimental music, but just plain love beautiful singing, you should still check out  Sanjiva's page. She has such a beautiful voice, and you can hear it in this adorable song by  Foxamoore http://www.furaffinity.net/view/9804131/

*laughs* Now I sound like someone doing a commercial! That was not my intention. I am just encouraging you to find great music you may have not heard before! :)

Well, I just came home after having watched Les Misérables in the cinema.

It was a great adaption from musical to film. A lot of really beautiful scenery, and the efforts of the actors were stunning.

If you don't like musicals, it is nothing for you, but if you do like musicals, Les Misérables is really something to see.

So much emotion conveyed in one film. Brilliant.

Thanks to those of you who helped me by giving your input in the question I had about my name/nickname.

I like both of the names, so I am not going to change, or get rid of either of my names.

So I am going to go by either Silkyfur or Furtail, and you can choose to call me by either of these names.

I am completely equally happy with both names, which was why I was asking for help from others, to see if it would make me lean towards one, more than the other.

But I am not leaning in any direction, so, both names it is. :)

I've been pondering what to do with my name, or nickname, rather.

As I have mentioned previously, when I first signed up to FA, I had no intention of being active here, and I did not think I would make new friends through FA. How wrong one can be!

So, I signed up on FA, using the name Silkyfur, a nickname that previously only were the name of a roleplayed character, not a name that I identified myself with in any way.

I've never liked the name I was given at birth, so I've always chosen nicknames for myself, and most people I socialise with IRL knows me as Furtail, the initial name I chose for myself, when I first got on the net. Furtail is probably the name I identify myself with the most. Much more than any other name or nickname I have ever had.

However, I am not about to switch to a new account now, so I guess I'll just keep calling myself Silkyfur, as far as the name of the account goes. I also suppose that the visual representation of myself as an anthro bull could be called Silkyfur, since that's the name I was using when I commissioned the various pieces of artwork of myself as anthro bull.

One of the reasons I am pondering this now, is that I am thinking of maybe sooner or later commission a badge or two for myself, and I can't really decide on which name to put on the badge; my initial name (Furtail), or the name that by mistake has gotten associated with my character (Silkyfur).

Most of my old friends obviously think of me as Furtail, and all of my new friends here obviously think of me as Silkyfur.

I don't mind the name Silkyfur, I do like the name, and I am getting used to it. However, should I in the future be on a con, and someone shouts for me over a distance, I am sure I would react more easily to the name Furtail being shouted, and I might not even react if someone would shout for Silkyfur.

I was pretty sure that I was going to change my name all-together, from Silkyfur to Furtail, until quite recently, I had more than one person spontaneously tell me that they think Silkyfur is a really nice name. And well, yeah, I do like both names.

One slight confusion that the name Silkyfur seems to bring forth though, is that several people have thought that I am female, as the name Silkyfur seems to be a bit of a feminine name.

I don't mind people thinking I am female. I consider myself gender neutral, and while my body is male, I don't feel particular masculine. Nor do I feel particular feminine, and I am more or less asexual, and not leaning more towards one gender than the other. I am just as happy being considered female or male, but I just don't like making people feel embarrassed.

And people usually do get embarrassed when having thought of me as female, when I tell them that my body is male.

So one point of not calling myself Silkyfur, would be to keep people from being embarrassed about my gender.

I have already gotten some thoughts from people about this, but I am curious to hear any advice and thoughts that my watchers might have, in regards to the name-thing. I can't quite decide, myself.

Did you first believe I was female?
Do you think I should have the name Silkyfur or Furtail on a badge?
Do you have any personal preferences on the names in question?

A few days ago I watched "Life of Pi" in the cinema.

It was certainly a highly enjoyable movie-experience. I found it emotionally touching in just the right way, and visually it was stunningly beautiful in parts. The score was also very beautiful... good film-music means a lot to me.

Now I am looking forward to see "Cloud Atlas" that will be released in March, here in Sweden.

I have seen several people do this now, so I am doing it too.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
Selling my home after living there for 11 years.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
We've never had a tradition of making New Year's Resolutions in my family.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My brother's wife's youngest brother's girlfriend.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Most likely one or several of the lovely bovines that I spent a lot of time with. :(

5. What countries did you visit?
I don't recall going abroad this year. But I've looked at Denmark, across the water.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
A new farm, that is good enough to be home for me and fourlegged friends for the rest of my life.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The first of August, as it was the day we left the farm to the new owners. It was a very stressful day, and horrible in many ways.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Managing to get my health back in good enough shape, that my boss no longer wishes to get rid of me.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Partially causing a misunderstanding with one of my closest friends.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My health was not in a good state at the beginning of the year, I had failed to notice just how bad it was, because it was a slow, gradual decline, but my boss noticed my lack of effectivity.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
All of the commissions that I bought from the lovely artists here at FA, but if I have to single one out, it is the one from  Maquenda

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
At the moment, i cannot recall anything specific. Many people were lovely, all in their own way. :)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My boss, for the way he delivered the news that he wanted to get rid of me.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Moving out of the farm and moving into the rented apartment.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
It's a tie between several things, hmmm... A few things I won't mention yet, that might happen in the future. And... I also got really excited by receiving each of all the lovely artworks I commissioned! :)


16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
There was a surprising amount of popular songs that were really good, just at the end of the year. All the ones I am thinking of were by Swedish artists, so if you're not Swedish you would not know about them.
Mando Diao making a cover of poet Gustaf Fröding's old song "Strövtåg i Hembygden", for instance.
"Händerna mot himlen" by Petra Marklund, was also another song I am really fond of. I usually do not like the things being played on the radio, but this year had many exceptions.
Also, a song that often was playing in the mix my masseuse was playing during my massage-sessions, "Into the wind", by Deva Premal and Miten, was special to me, this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
I. happier or sadder? I am happier now.
II. thinner or fatter? I have finally managed to gain a little weight. I have been underweight my entire life, but my medication and the help from the dietitian I got is paying off, so yay!
III. richer or poorer? I am just as poor as I was a year ago.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hmmm. Can't think of anything.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Can't really think of anything here either.

20. How will you be spending/did you spend Christmas?
I was with my parents, as they would have been alone otherwise. Playing cards, because my mother loves playing cards, and I do too.

21. How will/are you be spending New Year's?
I was very tired from working so hard. I got up at 04:00 in the morning to go to work on New Year's Eve, so I fell asleep around 22:00 at night, so I slept through the shift to the New Year. Things like Christmas and New Year's does not mean much to me anyway. It's just like regular days to me, but with more stress at work.

If you've been working in a busy supermarket for over 15 years, as I have done, holidays soon lose their appeal, because you're working too much to be able to enjoy anything.

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
*smiles* I always fall in love a little... all the time. :)

23. Do you like anyone now that you didn't like this time last year?
That I didn't like? Hmmm... Can't think of anyone I disliked a year ago... But I like more people now, because I have met more people during this year. :)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. There's no point in hating anyone. :)

25. What was your favourite TV program?
I don't watch TV, but I downloaded and watched the second season of "Game of Thrones", which was just as great as the first season, and I also downloaded and watched a great deal of "Dragons - Riders of Berk", which was also really good.

26. What was the best book you read?
I do enjoy reading books, and I have many books on my list of books to read. I was never much in the mood to read during 2012, though. I hope the mood to read will creep back into me soon. :)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
In no particular order:  Luchs  Foxamoore  Sanjiva  Sayh  dragongodless

28. What did you want and get?
I wanted to get a really good commission of myself as an anthro bovine. And I got several! :)

29. What did you want and not get?
That everyone in the entire world would realize how important it is to do everything in our might to aid the eco-system across the planet.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I cannot say yet. I have seen several of the films that were released during the year, but I have a feeling I have not seen the best yet. "Life of Pi" has been out for more than a week here, but I have not had time to go see it yet. "Cloud Atlas" won't be released in Sweden until 3 months from now. I have a feeling that either of these will be my favourite film of 2012.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 35, and I was working, plus, I had a very scary meeting, arranged by my boss.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning a great deal of money on the lottery, so I could have afforded some of the wonderful farms that were for sale, but that was way above my price range. That would have been immeasurably the most satisfying thing of all!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Fashion concept??? Me? Umm... Jeans and t-shirt. It's the same every year. ;)

34. What kept you sane?
Music, and the lovely bovines I had the honour to meet and get to know over the year, and all of my friends, including the new ones I met here on FA.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Fadjen, the bull! :)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
So many to mention... But stirred me the most? Probably that most of the EU countries haven't bothered to follow the laws about how to treat farm animals in production. Oh... yeah, and that Bullfighting was not banned in France, when they had the issue on the table. If I dwell on it, I get so upset I cannot hold back my tears from frustration.

37. Who did you miss?
My bull calf from 2007. He would have been 5 years old by now. I also missed each of my friends who I did not see during the year.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I cannot single one out. This year I met so many new, wonderful people here on FA.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
I learned that while I am still missing my bull calf dearly, and he will always be in my heart and in my thoughts, I do not have to be dragged down into sorrow and guilt over him any longer. It is not what he would have wished.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I am going to have to quote a song, that have meant a lot to me over the years. Between 2007 and now, I could not listen to this song without breaking down, crying and sobbing my heart out. But, well... I hope I have learned my lesson now...

The lyrics are written by Mercedes Lackey. Music composed by Leslie Fish, and the song is performed by Heather Alexander. These lyrics are sooo brilliant, and I love the music and the way Heather performs it.


Choices

It's the choices that you make, and the ones that you don't,
that define what you will be, what you are and what you seek
All the promises you've kept, and the ones that you break
all the things that you have bound up are set free

Every nexus on the road, every branching path,
means a choice you can't refuse, even choosing not to choose
For the now becomes the past, you have passed the node
and to win can be a different way to lose

It’s so hard to see ahead, though behind it is clear,
if you'd only known back then, but there is no 'start again
You cannot erase the stains on the life you have lead,
and the path of now will change the path of when;

All the things you can't forget, all the harm that you've done,
when you failed to be a friend, when you broke, but did not mend
Can you learn the lesson there, do more than just regret,
or deceive yourself with all that you pretend?

It’s a spiral helix flow, never twice the same,
only once you pass this way, you can never hope to stay
Let the chisel carve the stone, form the best that you know,
for you sculpt tomorrow by your choice today

I first registered here on FA in the beginning of 2007. My only reason for signing up at that time was to view a few pictures that someone wanted to show me. In 2007, I was mainly socializing with my long-term friends, or with friends I met through other places, and did not really have any thoughts of getting to know many new friends. Nor did I view much furry art at the time, and did not sign into FA for more than a few times per year at the most.

In the beginning of 2011, I started viewing more furry art, started watching people on FA, I started commenting on submissions, I started reading people's journals, and I found that... hey... there are some really nice people here! They write about things in their own lives, things I can relate to!

Over the course of 2011, I gradually and slowly started commenting more and watching more people, but never really getting into any kind of conversation with anyone. And so in December 2011, I posted my first few photos. Initially, I got very few comments, and the occasional watcher.

But during the course of 2012, I posted more photos, I got more people watching me and starting to comment regularly on my submissions and my journals. And in turn, I started to comment on their comments, on their submissions and their journals.

And before I knew it, I had found that... hey there's a lot of lovely people here who are really nice! For the most part, almost all people I have come into contact with in one way or another, here on FA, are really great people. The typical negative things you hear about furries... well, I haven't encountered them much at all. There are a few around, but they are hardly the majority.

Or is it just because I am only watching 439 people, and mainly communicate with the people who like the same things that I like? I don't know. But I have a genuinely, very positive experience here during my rather brief time of actively being on FA.

You are really making me happy. And I mean You, yes, You, who are reading this, right now! Because if you are reading this journal, for whatever reason, I am pretty sure you are one of these people I am talking about. (And if you aren't, then you are likely to become!) Whether you are one of the people who I am just starting to get to know, or one of the people who I have communicated with during a few months here, I have to say, I am very pleased to have met you here!

I could start listing names, but I am not going to do that! Whether we have only communicated briefly over a comment or two, or if we've sent notes to each other, or whether we've just read each others journals, and commented, you are one of those people who I am happy to have met.

So, thank You, for being here! And thank you for being great people! And thank you for making me happy, because you are making me happy. I plan to remain here, and I plan to keep posting and commenting, and taking part in our shared communication!

And I hope I can make you happy in return! I hope I can be here for you when you need a friend. I hope whatever I post, whether it is a journal, a comment, a submission... or anything else... I hope that it can be meaningful to you in some way, just like the comments, journals or submissions that I view here, are meaningful to me.

Be well, and have a very enjoyable time! :)

 Nova_Bovine is a lovely person and a talented artist, and she really needs some money right now. So if you are looking for someone to commission right now, please consider Nova_Bovine!

Find more information here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4103455/

Thank You! :)

I suppose it is time for a new journal. This time a meme I got tagged by to do, about a month ago. So yeah, I am late.

The deal is, if you comment on this journal, I will

1. Tell you something I learned about you by looking at your FA page for 13 seconds
2. Tell you a colour you remind me of
3. Tell you my first memory of you
4. Ask you a question
5. Tell you something I like about you
6. Give you a nickname
7. Tell you the object that is to the left of me
8. Dare you to do this yourself in your journal

In 2007, one of the individuals I was taking care of was a bull calf. He was less than two weeks old when he first came to my pastures, together with his mother and a few other individuals.

In the beginning he was the most shy of them all, and it took a long time for me to earn his trust. His half-sister of the same age as he, was much less shy, and she frequently would explore or examine things in a reckless manner, while he was always very cautious about the same things.

But once I eventually did earn his trust, I was overwhelmed by how fond he became of me. If I was laying down in the pastures to rest, or to sleep, he would come over to me, lay down as close to me as possible and snuggle up. Sometimes, he would lay down on his side and rest his head upon my chest, keeping his nose up against my chin, and sometimes even falling asleep like that.

After having been drinking milk from his mother, and his mother wanted to groom and lick him, he would instead run up to me, because my grooming was more gentle and less harsh than the way she did it. I have to say that she was one of the roughest licking cows I have ever met, so I do understand why he would prefer my grooming, but... it was still another thing that felt very charming to me, that he'd prefer my touch over the touch of his mother.

When he was exploring different parts of the pasture, or new and slightly scaring things, he would be much more brave if I was by his side. My presence beside him would encourage him, and make him feel safe. If other humans came by, he would be scared of them, unless I was there beside him, and if something ever scared him, he would run up to me.

I guess I don't need to say that it was impossible for me to not feel incredibly touched and honoured that this sweet and sensitive bull calf would choose me as his protector to such a level. Of course, sleeping beside him, being with him while he was grazing and exploring, grooming him and in turn being licked by him, I did form a bond closer to him than I have formed with any other living being, whether human or non-human. He felt like my little brother.

I guess it helps that I am identifying myself as a bovine as well. I always enjoy to spend as much time as possible together with the herds I am taking care of, as my goal is to be integrated into the herd and seen by them as just another herd-member, albeit the herd-member to bring them food, water, and to seeing that they are well and healthy. Unfortunately, also the herd-member that has to disappear away from the herd to go to work on a lot of days.

But it is always very special when you become something more than just a herd member, when you become chosen as the one herd member to spend time with, when you become chosen to become someone's first choice for being a companion.


In hindsight, I was such an idiot, not to realize that I would miss him beyond belief when he was to be taken away. I am only taking care of other people's cattle, and when winter comes the cattle goes away, and I will never see those individuals again.

Of course, every year, there will be individuals that I miss more than the others. But, of course, with the bull calf of 2007, the blow would be much harder than that.

If I had known then, what I know now, I would have arranged something. I would have tried everything in my might to somehow buy him, and try to pay for someone to keep him during winters, and I could keep him during summers etc. Of course, there were many difficulties about this. I knew in 2007, that I would eventually have to sell my farm, which I just did a few months ago.

But... what on earth are practical difficulties compared to losing such a close companion, and compared to betraying the trust of someone who has trusted you to always be there for him. Well, I wasn't there for him when he needed me, and this is something that has caused me tremendous amount of guilt.

And this is different than just letting a dog go to different owners or so... Me not arranging to buy the bull calf, meant certain death for him. And given how sensitive he was, and how terrified he was of new and different situations, I know that when he would have to be reloaded into lorries and shipped off to a slaughterhouse, the experience would be nothing but utter torture and complete panic and pain for him.

So, in short, by not being there for my bull calf when he needed me most, meant that I was betraying the trust of the one individual who trusted me the most. The one individual who had purely chosen me to be his closest friend.

I cannot think of a worse crime than letting your best friend down when he needs you the most. Of not saving your best friend from cruel, needless death.

During 2009, I was on sickleave from work due to stress-related symptoms, which of course were a mix of many different things, but one of the greatest reasons for me feeling depressed and ill during the last five years, were sorrow, grief, guilt and shame over letting my bull calf down.

It is only now, that I have finally, eventually come to terms that it does not matter how much guilt or shame I feel. What is done is done. I should have done differently. But feeling guilt and grief won't make things right again. Of course this is an easy thing to say, but it is a different thing to truly feel it. And now, for the first time... I can finally say it and mean it.

Before, I felt that if I stop grieving, it would mean that I am diminishing the error I have done, and that I am diminishing how truly wonderful the bull calf was, and how much he meant to me.

But, there is truly no point in me continuing to grieve and hate myself for this. The bull calf was still the most wonderful individual I have ever met. Nothing can diminish how truly wonderful he was.

I have made a promise to myself, that I will eventually get my own farm, and I will eventually be able to care for bovines, and provide them with long, good, healthy, happy lives, without them having to be part of any kind of production.

It won't bring the bull calf back, and it won't erase the suffering I caused him. But I will not make the same mistake again.

I have not posted any pictures of the bull calf here before, not before writing this journal. Because... I cannot bear to post a picture of him with the simple description of "this is a bull calf". He is so much more than that. And... I have not been healed from my grief and guilt until now, so the thought of spilling all the pain out again in text have been unbearable.

It has taken 5 years to heal from the pain and guilt. I could not have done it without the help of some of my great friends, which have all been supportive and caring of me during my time of guilt. There is especially one great friend of mine, who has been actively helping me through these years, and I am endlessly thankful to him.

Oh, and to make a long journal even longer, I should add; my fursona is a blend of me and this very special bull calf. I just never knew what to pick, how I should look. I know how I feel inside, and I feel like a bovine in a human body. But how would I know how I look? What species of bovine? What breed of bovine?

I could have been Wisent, I could have been Charolais, Limousin or Angus... I just could not choose. Until it hit me.

I know it is a cliche... but... the bull calf is forever a part of me. He exists in my memory, he exists in my heart. And he will always be there. Thus he is a part of me... and... thus... my fursona should be a blend of me (the human my body unfortunately is), and the bovine inside of me. The most tangible bovine inside of me, is of course... the bull calf, and thus, my fursona's appearance is a blend between him and me.

There was a possibility bullfighting was going to be banned in France, as the Constitutional Council of France were going to pass a decision on it last week.

I had hopes that it was going to become banned, but... no. :(

The reason: It is much more important to keep a tradition alive, than to stop the suffering and unnecessary killing of more than 1000 bulls per year.

The thing is, bullfighting has only been taking place in the southern-most parts of France since the 19th century, so it is hardly an old tradition.

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/an.....llfighting-ban

An excerpt from the article in the link:

"The Constitutional Council has just said that it can exist" like all other things from minority cultures, he said.
"This decision is excellent news," said Andre Viard, the head of the National Observatory of Bullfighting, hailing the body for "upholding cultural freedom."

Frederic Nihous from the CPNT group of anglers, hunters and sports lovers said bullfighting was "part of the south's DNA."

"The respect of traditions is a duty ... a people without roots, and therefore without traditions, are a people who will die," he said.


So apparently "the people will die" if not a fairly recent tradition of cruel killing of bulls is allowed to continue.


It's hard not to be a misanthrope, when there are certain humans who thinks like this.