EDIT: Wow I hope I didn't sound egotistical ;__; sdej fdsdf i just meant like fnskfd why me?? also i mean i don't want to grow older physically, but mentally or something like that, you know? like just i wanna get better gfrjhged i feel i have a lot to improve on

Sometimes I can't even believe I am who I am.

And then I remember how insignificant and small we all are, but I still can't believe that in this world, I am who I am.

I'm mostly talking about my art since it's my only skill, and sometimes I draw and I think... "How am I even doing this?" I come back into the room and I see my work on the screen, and I just... wat.

And then the other side of me strives to be better all the time and I put myself down a lot but I always fight it and strive as hard or as lazily as I can (depending on my mood, haha)

but I just feel like I'm a slow learner, I guess

I just wanna be more impressed, I wanna be better.

I wanna be me a few years from now, now!

Okay, so, I got my rent paid x__x Thank the heavens. My landlord wanted me to pay security this month to make sure I wasn't gonna screw her over with the place, and I was being rather irresponsible with my money all month but still managed to make it. Now I'm stress-free kind of until next month~!

I feel really out of the loop. For the past year my life had been very simple and carefree and I would just draw and paint all day. Nowadays I feel the itch to go out and do more, and my restlessness is through the roof and I can't even find the time to sit down, relax, and draw. I don't even really feel like drawing any more, I really wish I could just throw out my style but I also don't want to do that because I'm the only person who can draw like I do, and I don't want to throw that away. But I really think it's time for a change. No matter how much I change my real life or my appearance, or musical tastes or states of mind, my art always seems to remain the same. I really want to go to school to learn to be a better artist but I don't want to be in debt. I hate debt. I need more people to not be afraid to teach me how to do new things, but I'm also so stubborn I don't learn unless I want to. I keep saying all of these energy-sucking things, I think it's just because it's been so goddamn rainy for the past month. We've barely had any sunlight and I'm trying to be a sunchild now, like be awake in the morning instead of at night, but I feel like this is a really difficult routine for my soul to bear with, I'm a night hawk and I love the quiet but I'm transitioning into something different and the growing pain is rather unpleasant, especially when night is the same weather - dark, where as with sunlight you either have cloudy days or sunny days, so it's a gamble for me and my mentality. I haven't wrapped my head around absorbing energy from the rain. sdfjkgds

I don't know, I'm doing the whole soul searching thing again. I did it when I was 17 and here I am at 21 repeating it over again. I forgot how lifeless it was to heal, how long it takes, I'm a believer that sickness is in the mind fdjsk so the more i put myself down, idkfdsj the more i'm not going to have any motivation until i wake up and say enough is enough.

I really want control of my life and I think my next step is getting a car so I can go out, and be free and alone and inspired by what life has to give me. I would go out on my own but I... I don't know. I'm honestly just letting my hands go and letting my mind talk. Maybe I'm PMSing? I kind of hate emotions. I miss feeling content all of the time, it was like apathy, but the more... optimistic side of it.

I'll find it someday I guess.

I'm also at a loss of why good things happen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and it makes me wonder why karma rewards me in some ways sometimes. The Universe is my God so sometimes I like to think that it's giving back to me because I'm trying so hard to make this world a better place... very subtly, and slowly, but I know making people smile is what I love to do... Sometimes I make people sad but sadness doesn't really last as long as you let it. I don't know. I'm confused.

I also feel like a drone a lot more lately, just saying yes to whatever comes my way and not thinking too far ahead to see how it might turn out... well, I do see what will happen (or all the different possibilities) but I ignore whatever warning signs I get... and I have been for a while. I want to take hold of my own life again, see the truth for what it is, do what I want to do and be as free as I want to be. I don't want to be caged but for some reason I'm one of those stupid birds that always gets caught in a trap. I really don't want any relationships, or intimacy, or to be touched by anyone but at the same time I do. I want to love everyone, but that makes most people angry that they can't covet me, and if someone wants to love me and I let them and give myself only to them, it hurts me because I just love everyone, to say I love just one person is a lie beyond measure. fgksdlhfsd i just want everyone to be happy but it's hard being a girl and being sensitive and not wanting to hurt anyone and you hurt yourself for their expense.

I'll figure this out I guess

I'm done ranting~

Well, what i wrote in my last journal is exactly how i am not feeling now!

Me and my friends are all good, me and my dad are good, and pretty much everything is good besides money (i accidentally bought a new guitar, how irresponsible!) and i gotta make the money back by the end of may. Otherwise, besides knowing i'm gonna be broke as fuck, everything is good. My family and friends will help me if i need it.

Corona is still with ryan though which is making me uncomfortable with each passing day, last week he had the nerve to ask me if he could keep her.

Keeping an ex girl-friend's best cat friend and baby... HMMM... the answer was a racing heart (OH MY GOD I WILL NEVER SEE MY KITTY AGAIN) and a huge NO WAY! He even said he would take better care of her than i will... for someone on social assistance, I don't think he's going to be able to afford a VET BILL if she gets sick again.

On that note, she is getting better as far as I know. I really wanna get her outta there ASAP though, I miss her to hell and back, but I can't really do much until I get my apartment.

Speaking of which, I have to wait until June... FFFF! but i'm getting back into my work groove, which is good. Slow, but good. I need about 400$ more to cover last month's rent (yeah i know, i had all of it saved up.... but remember that guitar i told you about? also i got a pikachu 3ds because my friend had a discount at toys r us...) Yes i know, irresponsible, but it's my fault and i'll get through it :) No more crazy spending. The guitar definitely made me a lot happier though and it was a good investment. No guitars for a while.

anyways! This is my life, same old normal shit everyone else goes through, but this is a journal and I don't mind using it as such. :)

Hey guys! I'm back in my home town.

Woah, that was crazy emotionally hard. Me and Ryan started getting along a lot better before I left so it was heart breaking to leave him. Yeah, I know I bitched about him before, and I know most of you aren't happy with his decisions towards me, but I really did love him. He loved me and hurt me, and I have done the same to him. He needs to grow up and I need to heal. It's just hard right now, I can't even believe I'm back where I belong. It literally feels like I'm dreaming. I know this is what I've always wanted.

I'm also having a life crisis right now, for some reason all the bad thoughts that I've suppressed for the past few years are starting to surface, and even new things, like today I was thinking how my dad used to be really funny, silly and happy, and now he's depressed and miserable, and how i know for a fact it's my fault. I just hope being closer to him will help mend his heart. I want him to be happy in his later years, to know he did a good job and to be proud of me. I love my dad, as much as i didn't as a teenager, I wish he would fix himself for the better too. Only time will tell...

and the other thing I'm having a crisis about is what the fucking hell I did with my life for the past 3 years! Nothing besides drawing. Drawing, drawing, drawing. I moved to shitty places every time, my energy was sapped constantly, and people thought I was very strange for being withdrawn, which makes me feel misunderstood by 80% of the population. It just kind of hurt that in the past 3 years I barely made any friends. But, it's refreshing to know my friends were happy to see me and didn't hold grudges against me for being gone for 3 years. We all had our own paths to follow, so I can understand why I got away with that.

Uhm! Yeah. I'm currently at my father's and I'm going to go apartment hunting tomorrow. Commissions are nada for a few more days, since I don't have anything to work on (computer wise).

so stressful, i feel confused, scared, and kind of... unconscious, like in a sleeping state. I know I'll wake up when I get my place and have peace to explore my mind. I know for a fact I will feel very sad at first, because I haven't been able to cry about Ryan yet and assure myself better, so my emotional suppression is starting to affect my physically: lack of hunger, tense muscles, moody...

sorry! I usually use this account to rant and get things off of my chest.

Thank you so much for understanding, and listening. :)

So I brought Corona to the vet, she got a steroids shot and I'm to bathe her once a week... pretty simple cure. Her fur is growing back and the red flaky skin is gone. :D So she doesn't have to wear a cone any more, god animals look miserable in those things XD;

and I have all the money I needed saved up, I just need to buy my bus ticket and get some bins onto the bus and get going home. I have to keep some of my stuff with Ryan but I'm sure I can always go back and get it!

I'm super nervous, scared, etc, even though i've done this like 5 times before, it's just the emotional attachment that makes it hard. but, i've been secured in the past couple of days that he and i will be fine going our separate ways.

I'm super excited to get home, I got some good words from some friends, and a sort of hope and bravery. I've fallen in love with the idea of returning home, and... being a cheesy romantic, I will do anything for love. I'm in love with the sunlight that hits the architecture of my home town, and the people who helped guide me to be who I am today, which is exactly what I want to be

and I'll be brave for all of that.

So, for the past day I've been combing all the dead skin out of her fur and it looks and feels a TON better, just after one day! She's been mopey lately but I think it's just because of the shitty e-collar I made her XD pets always look miserable in those things.

Anyways! She has seen improvement on JUST the first day of her not being able to chew and rip out her fur! Yay!

I'll be sure to update on her condition later on, just thought I'd let people know she's starting to look better.

Once it's mostly healed I'll go get out some flea shampoo/pet shampoo and give her a bath to remove any fleas she might have, but I really think it's just dry skin and inflammation from her ripping out her fur.

Will she stop once life gets less stressful? I'm really worried that when it's all healed up and I can take the collar off her that she's just going to do it again. Do you have any experiences like this that you can share and help me out planning the future for her!

Hi guys!

Usually I wouldn't post about my cat's health but she's been losing all of her fur and ripping it out and has really dry skin.

http://imageshack.us/a/img12/3900/2.....0401153115.jpg

she's 3 years old and her name is corona and she's fixed

I tried putting vegetable oil on it to keep the skin moisturized a week ago, but she kept pulling her fur out. I tried "MTG" which is safe for use with small animals with skin problems/itch due to dry skin, fungus and bacteria but I haven't been using it religiously until yesterday when i put it on about 3 times in a day than just once the past few days. I just gave her a bath and the thing on her head is the E-collar I made for her so that she can stop biting at herself. I also made that for her last night.

Should I keep the E-collar on her for a week or two and apply the MTG 3 times a day?

I know that if it gets worse I will have to take her to the vet, but I'm trying to avoid that because it's very expensive. I will no doubt ask for the help of this community if something does happen, but I just want to be sure that keeping the collar on her and either leaving it alone or applying the MTG to her would be best FOR NOW if it doesn't get better.

I think she got it from that cat i took in because it was all scrawny and stuff, BUT she always had licking problems, like cat OCD, so I think she had some anxiety about the other cat being in the house and started pulling her fur out, which led to the dry skin/itchiness or whatever uncomfortable thing she's feeling. dumb cat... it would be the equivalent of a child pulling their hair out because there's a new kid in the house, but I gave them both attention! I think my cat was just really jealous that I was giving the little cat all of the cans of chicken I had (because the neighbour said she hasn't eaten in a day and i know cans of chicken will make a cat eat) not that my cat didn't get any either! sigh... cat drama.

I think that's all the information about the situation.

If a majority of people think I should take her to the vet, I will take her tomorrow. If people think I should keep trying for a few more days or a week and see if it gets better, then... yeah!

FYI I DON'T HAVE THAT OTHER CAT ANY MORE

this is just a journal for my own personal notes :D

- Move away to Perth, get settled, and start working
- Save up for a Hippy van (roughly 5K)
- Start interior decorating and save up for nice house things like dishes and bedsheets and all that girly stuff
- Hang out with old friends/make new ones (hopefully)
- Start travelling
- See where it goes from there
- Start a comic with my characters
- Do more traditional work and sell it at local Art Shops
- I should probably get a scanner
- Drink more, but not too much, and not alone, once in a while. (Live a little!)
- Save up for luxuries such as a nice camera and a Cintiq for my desk top
- Get into making fursuits again
- Sing more, smile more, get a tan (for the first time in years)
- Stand out and make people smile! Wear nice unique clothes and stay unique myself
- Paint a mural somewhere maybe someday :) Pee on a wall with paint and a good message
- Change people's lives for the better!
- If I get said Hippy Van, travel to MFF.
- If the beast can't take it, go to MFF anyways.
- SAVE UP MONEY!!! save SAVE SAVE SAVE VSAVSDFMFJLKDDDDDDD FFFFFFF
- IDK WHAT I'D BE SAVING FOR AT THIS POINT BUT I DON'T CARE

I could just keep going, I was sure this list would only contain 5 points but there's just so much I want to do!

I just talked with my landlord about leaving and she just gave me the tenant termination papers and was like HERE YA GO.

The only catch is that I have to pay rent until June, which isn't that big of a cost for happiness and solitude. XD So that means I can leave in April! Yay! Now I just need to get it all together and find a place, and see if anyone wants to help me move. :)

Of course Ryan wasn't too thrilled with it but w/e he can suck my monstrous dick. Super happy it went easier than I thought, I was really nervous that she would say no, but I offered to pay rent until June and to move out sooner so... like! YEAH I don't really care money is money. It goes away and it comes back. I know NOW in the end I will be happy living on my own and in the vicinity of my amazing hippy friends instead of Ryan's friends... who needless to say are low lives too. >___<;

Kinda shitty that this all had to happen and stuff, but I know it will be better in the end.

SO EXCITED ugh gonna get my life back on track and not have a boyfriend for like 20 years LOL. I like being alone and I don't like peeps crowding up my space sucking my energy dry. I also like a fairly clean house so I will be happy to clean up any mess I make.

Now... where to find a good apartment... or maybe I can rent a house... HMM...

but so is the power of a good-hearted mediator, sister and friend!

got the net back and later today they'll move the couch out of his room back to the living room where it belongs so i can sleep without waking up to him.

then i'm gonna get my ass outta here!

Edit: his sister got through to his thick skull and he agreed to return the modem in exchange for access to the house. didn't think this would actually work since you know how "wars" are... but i'm glad it got settled finally. and in record time! I thought for sure something was gonna bite me in the ass today. expect the worst, so that when the best happens it's great, and if it doesn't at least you won't be disappointed.

and it can't be opened from the outside.

and he tried to get in... it was funny watching him through the peephole and hesitate to knock on his sister's door who earlier was told by her stepfather that "he very clearly doesn't want anything to do with her any more". because you know, she didn't give him a rub on the head and tell him GOOD BOY!

i bet he's so stubborn and won't apologise to me and give me the modem back in exchange for access to the house which he wouldn't have anyways.

i mean, without my work, we wouldn't even have a roof over our heads.

it's funny, but i'm not sure if i can actually get in trouble for it. i mean, he is an asshole and will do anything to pucker up his shithole even if it means calling the police by shoving a phone up his anus.

george carlin is a bad influence on me. xD it's so funny but i also feel a little bad for stooping to his level. i'm just admiring my cleverness and assholery.

of course someday it's gonna bite me in the butt since i don't believe it's right to control another person's karma. but... i can't help but be amused.

never gonna surround myself with someone like him again so the shit stain doesn't rub off on me. cause fuck, who wants a shit stain on them and to know they're an asshole who doesn't know how to wipe? not that assholes wipe themselves, but you get the point.

also, his sister gave me her laptop and the pass for her net, since my desktop doesn't have a wifi adapter, but it's too far away for the internet connection to be stable enough to stream, which is a piss off because i keep getting distracted by writing bullshit like this ^^^

whoever physically abuses an artist hippy girl must be a real fucking asshole.

i'm getting the fuck out of here and i can't fucking wait. what a piece of living shit.

he has done nothing but use me for money, games and his own selfish gains, and apparently feels comfortable with hurting me now. all i ever wanted to do was help him and help myself.

i hope he never has kids because at 19 and being comfortable with abuse after 9 months of being with someone is not something that will go over well with the children.

some people seem to think very strange, bad things about me and i have no idea why. it's always an over-exaggeration too, the freak outs and the rumors and the amount of jealous people with mouths wider than the earth to spread hatred when they preach love... it absolutely puddlefucks me in the brain why people have to do this to each other. to see peace actually being misunderstood just... blows me away. i really can't believe that dark hearts say the words of the light hearts with seemingly subconscious ulterior motives.

i don't share a lot about myself to any one that isn't a close friend. as you know, popular (for the lack of a better word) people get a shit ton more attention because their work brings attention to them. artists are usually fragile people, they are only trying to get better to give the world something wonderful, all an artist wants is a pat on the back and a "you're doing a good job" –a push forward, a reminder that they are making an impact on some one's life, that they are succeeding in what they were put on this planet to do.

no artist would want the title of "celebrity", there are just too many people hiding behind a screen that have the freedom to rip on this artist, kick dirt in their face and more or less desecrate this fragile butterfly soul. it does not matter how many "pageviews" you have, frankly i could care less about the number, it does me more worse than good some days and i really think it taints my image, the first impression i give; that i'm high and mighty and have an army of art hungry furries at my disposal. i don't think like that! but some others do and they can't really help it, i can't say that i never felt angry or jealous of a person with a lot of pageviews or expensive art when i was younger, but now i completely understand them and i feel happy for how far they've come because i know what hard work and determination it takes to be recognized as an artist and to share your art with the world, and the even more labor-intensive action of selling it, too.

anyways, just a rant in how i feel about this thing... whatever it is. i really want to share more of my life with the public, i really do... but some people just take it out of context and it's not worth starting fights over, and it really is a pain trying to explain misunderstandings over the internet. i really do believe that a lot of people are fake on the internet because they can say whatever they want AND double check before they say it. a lot of people seem sweet but their actions, even on the internet, speaks novels of their values and how they really think.

"they'll say what they say and they'll do what they do, but it doesn't mean a goddamn thing. you can listen if you want, you can listen if you don't, yeah, they'll talk, yeah, they'll even sing." - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ja.....e_gdata_player

So, seeing as moving right away was not a stress-free, viable, financially correct option for me at the present moment, I've been working on giving less attention to... uh, i don't know what his title should be... ex? that sounds preppy... anyways, yeah, i've been working on giving less attention and detaching myself and falling back in love with myself and my art. The result? I have 1000$ saved up for moving! Yay! Almost there :) Also, on the relationship part, he's been acting a lot more, uh... how should I say... "cute" to lure me back in. I don't try to kiss him or hug him any more and I don't even look at him in the eyes as often, and he's taken a MAJOR swing in behaviour. He even knows when I don't want him around and he'll leave for like, 12 hours to his friends house and I can work peacefully.

So, this has been happening for a week since I posted my last journal and it feels really great not to be blinded with false emotion anymore. I've taken precautions with my computer and cell phone and locked them up (I have a system and administrator password, the system password won't be as easy for him to "get into") so he won't go around invading my privacy and causing senseless fights over things that aren't meant for his eyes anyways. Now that I don't have that foggy view of pain anymore I can see right through him, and he is an energy vampire indeed. Always so negative and never has anything nice to say. Unless, you know, it was an egotistical attempt at getting some reaction of attention for himself.

Interestingly, he's been saying some things like "i don't like it when you don't pay attention to me" and "do you like me still"? (to which i replied "i don't know" since it was the most neutral answer i could think of in 1 second that wouldn't cause some negativity spawn in him) So all my gut feelings were right. He thrives off his ego, and I don't need a single person like that in my life. It's literally like having a black hole right next to you and it just sucks in all the energy of life for itself. I'm sure any other person would break down and go mad, but I have to keep cycling the energy I can from myself and from people like you who keep me in their thoughts, even if it's just for a second. That energy you send gives me hours of fuel to get through my day. :)

I want to move away to Toronto to get away from my boyfriend... he's treating me okay now but the okay to not-okay usually lasts for 2-3 days. I'm starting to learn not to pay attention to him or care so much, and it's working, he's been nicer to me because he knows i won't chase after him if he tries to leave! But now he's getting clingy -_-! It's one of those "games" people play, but I don't want to play it any more. In fact, I never wanted to play it. People games aren't my thing!

My dilemma is that I don't want to move any more. I don't have the money to get my own place, and I don't want to bounce around couch-surfing in Toronto. I finally settled down into my home with someone who I know well, it just sucks i need to change my habits to cater to his attitude. But I'm not sure if things will ever get better. He is egocentric and says things to me that aren't true, but are rather reflections of himself and he doesn't see it. All I can do is keep quiet, cause if I say anything he gets mad.

But I don't want to move, and couch surf... I finally got this place. I finally have my own space, and I don't sleep on someone else's bed/couch any more. I don't want to go back to that. ;_;

Should I just keep quiet, ignore the fighting and try and live with this? I'm learning how to deal with his childish behaviour, but he will go out of his way to take the modem that I need for work because I was "BAD" and need to be "PUNISHED", like a child. I am fucking 20 years old and he is 2 years younger than me. He is just a controlling, clingy ass hat and he really damages my emotions. I'm good at letting go of emotions though... and being the adult, but fuck it really pisses me off when he takes the modem! Just because he doesn't have a job doesn't mean he can just take that away from me, even if it is a day or 2...

sorry, I just needed to vent. I want to find some peace, but he calls me selfish when he doesn't even realize the world in his head revolves around him!

I'm going to use this account to post my life and the things that go on in it. I want people to see the life I live, whether they choose to read it or not.

So, honestly I don't know where to begin... the beginning of my vacation would be a good start. So, i bussed for 14 hours from Elliot Lake to Perth and my friend (and old friend with benefits) picked me up. To be honest, I feel guilty when I hang around him because it was 2 years since I last saw him and that was when I made the very impulsive decision to move to Windsor. I could feel that he still loved me and he was very quiet, and it gave me a weird feeling to keep the conversations going. I didn't have the nerve to ask him about any of that love stuff, so I just stayed true to myself.

The next day he dropped me off at his work, and... I don't really remember... *ponder* I took the cab to a store called Dragon Moon but I don't remember why or if I even went in. Either way, I walked to Tim Horton's after that and waited a bit for my friend Jon, he tried to walk in and get me but I was pooping, haha! So I met with his blue-haired facey face after preening myself like a little birdy. I'll admit, I kinda have a crush on him. Or I just love him as a friend, I'm not sure, but I enjoy his company a lot. I only see him once a year, and always around Christmas, so for the past 3 years I have spent Christmas time with his family. We hung out for a bit, we usually watch shows together. Then eventually we thought we would spread the holiday cheer with some whiskey. On our way back, he pointed out a huge great horned owl to me. It was the first owl I ever saw! He asked if I wanted to turn around and I said yes, but as we were turning it flew off. That moment had a very deep meaning to me, but I have to meditate to figure it out. We drank a little bit, not enough to get drunk, but enough. I was dying of being a girl because I got to lay on his chest and he held me lightly with one arm, haha! I feel like such a girl.

I went to bed early because I was beat tired, and woke up at 7am. I was really bored waiting for him to wake up, so I drew a picture of a lion licking a lamb with a little message of peace for their family. They're religious so I thought they would like it, and they did. :) And eventually I got so bored, I set "The Circle of Life" as my alarm and slipped it under his door. xD He woke up pretty disgruntled and happy at the same time. He said it was the second best way to wake up :P

Hmm, then... he dropped me off at my dad's and i spent christmas with my family for a few days. Pretty generic family stuff going on! I tried to talk to my dad a bit, and I did, and I was glad I did. After a few days, I met up with my friend Matt (he is an amazing drummer) and we hung out for a bit and tried to have a party, but it was more of a get together and didn't last long. We went to another party after that was a lot more lively, and I got to meet a ton of fun, awesome people. Everyone thought I was hilarious, and they thought right. (I love to make people laugh!) Eventually the party ended, and we went back to Matt's and he and I talked for an hour or two about life. :) I am happy to have friends with so much potential!

After that, I went back to my dad's and caught a bus to Ottawa where I met up with Myron... Oh my god this is taking a long time to write on my phone. I'll continue part 2 tomorrow, my trip to Montreal!

It's pretty obvious who this is!

Damascus is becoming a big part of my inner world, and I am not going to be taking any commissions or posting any commissions to this account.

Welcome to 2013, the year where I explore myself and share it with you!

I was pretty lucky this username wasn't taken. It was meant for me!