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Selling Of A Bunch Of Unused Characters!
Posted 11 years agoYou heard me, guys. Sellin' 'em.
Just today I was approached via notes by someone expressing an interest in one of my old character designs, but while that didn't pan out, it -did- give me the idea to rehome ALL of the unused character designs I no longer have definitive plans for. I'd rather someone actually put them to use for stories, roleplay, or make into suits and actually ENJOY them. Instead of them just gathering dust in my gallery in a state of neglect. I didn't think to do it sooner cuz honestly, I wasn't sure there was that much of an interest in my characters. @.@
So below is a list of of characters currently listed as being for sale. If there's one that you really want that isn't on here, ask me and I'll consider parting with them, as well. Prolly goes without saying, but no versions of Syn or Pookin (both current and previous) are going up for sale. The designs are just too similar for others to be using. Especially since Syn's markings and coloration have barely changed at all over the years. >_> But down below are the ones currently available:
Krull 2.5: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/10785694/ (NSFW) ῼ
Krull 2.0: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/9667071/ (NSFW) ῼ
Slayde: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/9913799/ (NSFW) ῼ
Donna: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/9670575/ ῶ
MonMon: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/8033954/ ῼ
Mordecai Du Val: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5345438/ ῼ
Ophiuchus: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5345346/ - http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5345368/ (NSFW) ῼ
Malo: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/4210552/ ῶ
Lexi: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/4209245/ ῶ
Hexicola: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3896829/ (NSFW) ῶ
Vee The Voltage Roo: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3741719/ ῶ
Mimsy: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3495802/ ῶ
Enygma (Hyena Version): http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3367342/ (NSFW) ῼ
Enygma (Leopard Version): http://www.furaffinity.net/full/2768268/ ῶ
The prices of each are indicated by the following symbols:
ῼ = $15
ῶ = $10
This about a $10-20 discount, as if these were commissions, the simple refs would normally be $20 a pop, and the more complex ones (featuring additional character art, close-ups, text, and backgrounds) running anywhere between $30-45, depending on complexity and additional details. But as it stands ... I just need to generate some extra side income (since 90% of me and Pookin's money after the other basic necessities get paid off goes towards our fuzzy daughter's care and comfort), these poor things need to actually see the light of day, and I want people to be able to get their hands on some nifty characters if they can't afford the prices of adoptables, character auctions, or custom commissions from more "well-established" artists that can charge more for their work than I can. So in the end, everyone wins! XD
I've got a ToU of sorts, tho, which all interested buyers must agree to via note or email to ensure that everything goes smoothly and problem free for all parties involved:
TERMS OF USE
1) Buyer may not claim ownership of , use as icons and/or profile pics, or upload artwork of the desired character until payment has cleared and the seller has provided the buyer with screenshot evidence of a successful transaction. If the seller does not provide this, the buyer reserves the right to ask for a refund, but forfeits their claim upon the character in doing so. The individual can, however, make a new inquiry for the same or a different character, if they wish to try again at a later time (should the character still be available).
2) A character will not be reserved for longer than a week. If the interested party has not made full payment within 7 days, the transaction will be cancelled, all money sent thus far will be refunded, and the character relisted for sale. Should the character still be available at the time of contact, the individual is more than welcome to try purchasing it again at a later time. However, after 3 expired transactions, the individual will be prohibited from making any future purchases from the seller.
3) The rights to the -character- are the only things being purchased in the transaction, not reproduction/resale rights of the specific piece(s) of art done by me of that character. The cost of selling such rights would be substantially more, in accordance with the industry standards practiced by other graphic artists. The $10/15 only covers the cost of taking ownership of the character, itself. Not the pieces I have drawn of them. If at a later time you wish to resell the character to someone else, you may not use my art to do so. The character must be drawn either by the current owner, or by another artist (with their permission). Failure to comply will result in a trouble ticket being filed to the administration of the relevant site (or in the case of required escalation, a DCMA will be filed after all other forms of conflict resolution have failed).
3) Using the artwork drawn by me of the character being purchased MUST be properly credited and a link back to me provided. You may not claim the artwork as your own. Only the character. The buyer also may not remove any copyrights/signatures from the image. The image will also not be edited or altered in any way without my direct written permission. Failure to comply will result in the necessary reports to the proper administration and, if no other options remain, a DCMA will be filed.
4) The above Terms of Use must be agreed to, in writing, in order for the transaction to continue. The breaking of any portion of this ToU after having given written acknowledgement of its existence and willingness to adhere to it will result in an immediate refund and revoking of character ownership rights. All uploaded artwork of that character must be taken down from any sites it is posted on, as the individual will no longer have artist's permission to upload at that time.
Sorry for the bit of "legalese", but I've seen too many of these sorts of transactions go sour over of A_B, so better safe than sorry. If the big wall of text up there didn't scare you off or deflate your interest, either PM me or email me about any purchase inquiries or questions.
Thanks and bye-bye!
Just today I was approached via notes by someone expressing an interest in one of my old character designs, but while that didn't pan out, it -did- give me the idea to rehome ALL of the unused character designs I no longer have definitive plans for. I'd rather someone actually put them to use for stories, roleplay, or make into suits and actually ENJOY them. Instead of them just gathering dust in my gallery in a state of neglect. I didn't think to do it sooner cuz honestly, I wasn't sure there was that much of an interest in my characters. @.@
So below is a list of of characters currently listed as being for sale. If there's one that you really want that isn't on here, ask me and I'll consider parting with them, as well. Prolly goes without saying, but no versions of Syn or Pookin (both current and previous) are going up for sale. The designs are just too similar for others to be using. Especially since Syn's markings and coloration have barely changed at all over the years. >_> But down below are the ones currently available:
Krull 2.5: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/10785694/ (NSFW) ῼ
Krull 2.0: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/9667071/ (NSFW) ῼ
Slayde: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/9913799/ (NSFW) ῼ
Donna: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/9670575/ ῶ
MonMon: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/8033954/ ῼ
Mordecai Du Val: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5345438/ ῼ
Ophiuchus: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5345346/ - http://www.furaffinity.net/full/5345368/ (NSFW) ῼ
Malo: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/4210552/ ῶ
Lexi: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/4209245/ ῶ
Hexicola: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3896829/ (NSFW) ῶ
Vee The Voltage Roo: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3741719/ ῶ
Mimsy: http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3495802/ ῶ
Enygma (Hyena Version): http://www.furaffinity.net/full/3367342/ (NSFW) ῼ
Enygma (Leopard Version): http://www.furaffinity.net/full/2768268/ ῶ
The prices of each are indicated by the following symbols:
ῼ = $15
ῶ = $10
This about a $10-20 discount, as if these were commissions, the simple refs would normally be $20 a pop, and the more complex ones (featuring additional character art, close-ups, text, and backgrounds) running anywhere between $30-45, depending on complexity and additional details. But as it stands ... I just need to generate some extra side income (since 90% of me and Pookin's money after the other basic necessities get paid off goes towards our fuzzy daughter's care and comfort), these poor things need to actually see the light of day, and I want people to be able to get their hands on some nifty characters if they can't afford the prices of adoptables, character auctions, or custom commissions from more "well-established" artists that can charge more for their work than I can. So in the end, everyone wins! XD
I've got a ToU of sorts, tho, which all interested buyers must agree to via note or email to ensure that everything goes smoothly and problem free for all parties involved:
TERMS OF USE
1) Buyer may not claim ownership of , use as icons and/or profile pics, or upload artwork of the desired character until payment has cleared and the seller has provided the buyer with screenshot evidence of a successful transaction. If the seller does not provide this, the buyer reserves the right to ask for a refund, but forfeits their claim upon the character in doing so. The individual can, however, make a new inquiry for the same or a different character, if they wish to try again at a later time (should the character still be available).
2) A character will not be reserved for longer than a week. If the interested party has not made full payment within 7 days, the transaction will be cancelled, all money sent thus far will be refunded, and the character relisted for sale. Should the character still be available at the time of contact, the individual is more than welcome to try purchasing it again at a later time. However, after 3 expired transactions, the individual will be prohibited from making any future purchases from the seller.
3) The rights to the -character- are the only things being purchased in the transaction, not reproduction/resale rights of the specific piece(s) of art done by me of that character. The cost of selling such rights would be substantially more, in accordance with the industry standards practiced by other graphic artists. The $10/15 only covers the cost of taking ownership of the character, itself. Not the pieces I have drawn of them. If at a later time you wish to resell the character to someone else, you may not use my art to do so. The character must be drawn either by the current owner, or by another artist (with their permission). Failure to comply will result in a trouble ticket being filed to the administration of the relevant site (or in the case of required escalation, a DCMA will be filed after all other forms of conflict resolution have failed).
3) Using the artwork drawn by me of the character being purchased MUST be properly credited and a link back to me provided. You may not claim the artwork as your own. Only the character. The buyer also may not remove any copyrights/signatures from the image. The image will also not be edited or altered in any way without my direct written permission. Failure to comply will result in the necessary reports to the proper administration and, if no other options remain, a DCMA will be filed.
4) The above Terms of Use must be agreed to, in writing, in order for the transaction to continue. The breaking of any portion of this ToU after having given written acknowledgement of its existence and willingness to adhere to it will result in an immediate refund and revoking of character ownership rights. All uploaded artwork of that character must be taken down from any sites it is posted on, as the individual will no longer have artist's permission to upload at that time.
Sorry for the bit of "legalese", but I've seen too many of these sorts of transactions go sour over of A_B, so better safe than sorry. If the big wall of text up there didn't scare you off or deflate your interest, either PM me or email me about any purchase inquiries or questions.
Thanks and bye-bye!
Tentative Resurfacing
Posted 11 years agoNot sure how "back" I am, yet, but figured I'd "announce" myself, since small signs of life will be blipping on this account again, every now and then. Might become more frequent again as time wears on, but I'm playing it by ear right now. Don't wanna commit to anything, if I might bolt again.
First, some updates.
I've finally stepped into the 21st century, and have a tablet, which I've started fiddling with. So since art isn't a complicated mess of sketch, pull paper out of sketchbook, put into scanner, scan, use PS' pen tool to "ink", THEN coloring anymore ... I won't feel so compelled to give into laziness. No real excuse anymore to not be more productive (in theory--the determined will always find ways to procrastinate =P). Art-related news includes a finalized and hard-clad established "malesona" for myself, that'll be getting a set-in-stone ref sheet and relevant info in the not-too-distant future. Synhowl and the bearwolf identity that comes with her/him/it is NOT going away, rest assured. There's just another "side species" I've slowly become more and more attached to, largely because the idea of having both a predatory and "prey" species pair of 'sonas struck me as intriguing. So ... I ran with it, creative forces ensued, and then wham. Altsona. So yeah. That's a thing that'll be happening, eventually, so keep an eye out.
Also within the vein of creative/artistic updates, I've also decided that over time, I might start up a series of interconnected short stories (furry-related, of course) and share them on here. If/when that starts happening, I can't promise or guarantee that updates will be frequent or consistent. It'll largely be on an "as time allows" and "as inspiration comes" basis. No further details to share yet, as the idea is still very much in its infancy, but expect more info "soon".
In addition , I'll add that my offline life has played a large part in my online disappearance, as I'm now a "dog parent", alongside my fiance. She's very much a full-time job (from which I never EVER want to clock out from, or even take a lunch break from), so her care swallows up a lot of my free time nowadays. Much as I love her, and love sharing my experiences with her with friends and watchers, I regret to say that no photos of her will be going up here on FA or -any- furry site, for my own set of personal reasons. Many of which have to do with the fact that people with ill opinion of me have tried in the past to use my animals as a means of hurting me, and I'm just not going to open up those opportunities again--the lesson has been thoroughly learned. The rest of said reasons, well ... we know what sorts of people like to sometimes oggle photos of people's pets, when it comes to the furry populace. Not saying there aren't pervos on places -other- than furry sites, but if I can cut down on a good chunk of them, then I will.
Anyone interested in keeping track of my fuzzy daughter and her parents (Pookin and I) are more than welcome to do so via Facebook, which is where all of my pictures of her have gone thus far. My Facebook info remains on my contact info, as it always has. On that note, please try not to take it personally if your FB friend request goes ignored. I'm just PARTICULARLY cautious of who I put/keep on my friend's list on that site, as the majority of people on there are friends and family that I know/see offline. I'd prefer very much to keep my online and offline lives as separate as is realistically possible from here on out. And an even LARGER span of distance between the furry fandom and my offline life. Very little good has resulted from mixing those two, in the past. The close offline friends I have that are part of this fandom remain my friends for the simple fact that I love them. Their association to furrydom has zero to do with it anymore. If they're important to me, they're important to me--furry or not.
Before I shoosh once more, I'll close with this. I don't care anymore what negative things people have to say about me, or feel towards me. Nor will I go seeking this information anymore. I won't even be -reading- anything having to do with stressful RL issues, fandom/offline drama between individuals, or antagonizing comments directed towards myself of my friends/family. In the case of repeat harassers, blocks will be silently passed out and proper escalation procedures followed (harassment reports, contacting admins directly, etc.) whenever necessary. Because in all honesty? I'M -DONE-. I'm done going out of my way to care so damned much who likes me and who doesn't, and why. I'm done driving myself nuts walking on eggshells, because ANY little thing I say or two might lead to something catastrophic. I'm done beating myself up over every little slight, every error, every action of mine that gets criticized by people who honestly shouldn't matter to me anyway. In trying so hard to be accepted, liked, forgiven, included ... I only served to further isolate and vilify myself. No one likes the stink of desperation, coupled with the sour odor of self-loathing despair. Few things drive people further away.
And so I'm done. My only focus, if/when I participate in anything within this fandom at all, are the enjoyable and positive aspects. The comment sections of submissions/journals here don't exist to me. Any sort of fandom-to-RL drama (such as real-life hot button issues being involved) is going to be ignored. I don't care anymore which site admin from where did what to who. I have no more energy to give about what terrible thing somebody said/did to someone else. Not out of apathy, but out of sheer self preservation. The only life I have control over is my own. So that's what I'm latching onto. Too many other things matter in my life to let the awfulness of others bog me down. Selfish? Perhaps. But I'm just not emotionally equipped anymore to carry anyone else's baggage but my own, and fight anyone else's battles but my own. This proverbial mule's cargo load is at max capacity. I empathize. I really do. But I have to safeguard my health and my sanity. I don't join fandoms to get mired in the negative aspects and get angry/frustrated, but to take time out of my day to relish the positives and immerse. And somewhere along the way, over the past several years, I lost sight of that. That's a mistake I'm now correcting.
Well. That ended up longer than I originally intended it to be, but ... I like being thorough. The less room for misunderstanding, the better.
Til next time, lovelies. <3
First, some updates.
I've finally stepped into the 21st century, and have a tablet, which I've started fiddling with. So since art isn't a complicated mess of sketch, pull paper out of sketchbook, put into scanner, scan, use PS' pen tool to "ink", THEN coloring anymore ... I won't feel so compelled to give into laziness. No real excuse anymore to not be more productive (in theory--the determined will always find ways to procrastinate =P). Art-related news includes a finalized and hard-clad established "malesona" for myself, that'll be getting a set-in-stone ref sheet and relevant info in the not-too-distant future. Synhowl and the bearwolf identity that comes with her/him/it is NOT going away, rest assured. There's just another "side species" I've slowly become more and more attached to, largely because the idea of having both a predatory and "prey" species pair of 'sonas struck me as intriguing. So ... I ran with it, creative forces ensued, and then wham. Altsona. So yeah. That's a thing that'll be happening, eventually, so keep an eye out.
Also within the vein of creative/artistic updates, I've also decided that over time, I might start up a series of interconnected short stories (furry-related, of course) and share them on here. If/when that starts happening, I can't promise or guarantee that updates will be frequent or consistent. It'll largely be on an "as time allows" and "as inspiration comes" basis. No further details to share yet, as the idea is still very much in its infancy, but expect more info "soon".
In addition , I'll add that my offline life has played a large part in my online disappearance, as I'm now a "dog parent", alongside my fiance. She's very much a full-time job (from which I never EVER want to clock out from, or even take a lunch break from), so her care swallows up a lot of my free time nowadays. Much as I love her, and love sharing my experiences with her with friends and watchers, I regret to say that no photos of her will be going up here on FA or -any- furry site, for my own set of personal reasons. Many of which have to do with the fact that people with ill opinion of me have tried in the past to use my animals as a means of hurting me, and I'm just not going to open up those opportunities again--the lesson has been thoroughly learned. The rest of said reasons, well ... we know what sorts of people like to sometimes oggle photos of people's pets, when it comes to the furry populace. Not saying there aren't pervos on places -other- than furry sites, but if I can cut down on a good chunk of them, then I will.
Anyone interested in keeping track of my fuzzy daughter and her parents (Pookin and I) are more than welcome to do so via Facebook, which is where all of my pictures of her have gone thus far. My Facebook info remains on my contact info, as it always has. On that note, please try not to take it personally if your FB friend request goes ignored. I'm just PARTICULARLY cautious of who I put/keep on my friend's list on that site, as the majority of people on there are friends and family that I know/see offline. I'd prefer very much to keep my online and offline lives as separate as is realistically possible from here on out. And an even LARGER span of distance between the furry fandom and my offline life. Very little good has resulted from mixing those two, in the past. The close offline friends I have that are part of this fandom remain my friends for the simple fact that I love them. Their association to furrydom has zero to do with it anymore. If they're important to me, they're important to me--furry or not.
Before I shoosh once more, I'll close with this. I don't care anymore what negative things people have to say about me, or feel towards me. Nor will I go seeking this information anymore. I won't even be -reading- anything having to do with stressful RL issues, fandom/offline drama between individuals, or antagonizing comments directed towards myself of my friends/family. In the case of repeat harassers, blocks will be silently passed out and proper escalation procedures followed (harassment reports, contacting admins directly, etc.) whenever necessary. Because in all honesty? I'M -DONE-. I'm done going out of my way to care so damned much who likes me and who doesn't, and why. I'm done driving myself nuts walking on eggshells, because ANY little thing I say or two might lead to something catastrophic. I'm done beating myself up over every little slight, every error, every action of mine that gets criticized by people who honestly shouldn't matter to me anyway. In trying so hard to be accepted, liked, forgiven, included ... I only served to further isolate and vilify myself. No one likes the stink of desperation, coupled with the sour odor of self-loathing despair. Few things drive people further away.
And so I'm done. My only focus, if/when I participate in anything within this fandom at all, are the enjoyable and positive aspects. The comment sections of submissions/journals here don't exist to me. Any sort of fandom-to-RL drama (such as real-life hot button issues being involved) is going to be ignored. I don't care anymore which site admin from where did what to who. I have no more energy to give about what terrible thing somebody said/did to someone else. Not out of apathy, but out of sheer self preservation. The only life I have control over is my own. So that's what I'm latching onto. Too many other things matter in my life to let the awfulness of others bog me down. Selfish? Perhaps. But I'm just not emotionally equipped anymore to carry anyone else's baggage but my own, and fight anyone else's battles but my own. This proverbial mule's cargo load is at max capacity. I empathize. I really do. But I have to safeguard my health and my sanity. I don't join fandoms to get mired in the negative aspects and get angry/frustrated, but to take time out of my day to relish the positives and immerse. And somewhere along the way, over the past several years, I lost sight of that. That's a mistake I'm now correcting.
Well. That ended up longer than I originally intended it to be, but ... I like being thorough. The less room for misunderstanding, the better.
Til next time, lovelies. <3
Pulling Away From This Fandom For Awhile...
Posted 11 years agoJust as the title says, guys. I'm going through a really, really, REALLY bad spot IRL right now ... and all my latest interactions within this fandom have ALL been stressful. I really just can't handle the furry fandom right now, and I can't definitively tell you when I'll be able to again. Could be months, could be years ... I have no idea. I really just can't deal right now.
I'm sorry, guys.
I'm sorry, guys.
Just To Re-Clarify
Posted 11 years agoBecause I know so many "special" people on this site are just eager to question and dissect everything those of us no longer supporting FA do, looking for any reason to go "Hah, see? You still use this site!", I'm gonna just make a clear-cut informational journal, here, to make sure there aren't any little "misunderstandings".
THINGS I WILL NOT BE DOING ON THIS SITE
Uploading finished pieces to the main gallery
Taking commissions
Putting items/services up for sale
Supporting/respecting the site admins in any way
THINGS I WILL BE DOING ON THIS SITE
Uploading rough personal pieces to scraps
Making announcement journals when I'm taking commissions on Weasyl
Making announcement journals when I have something for sale on Weasyl
Writing personal journal entries on a random basis
Commenting on journals/submissions/shout boxes
Faving art
Watching people
That should clear up any further issues with "those" sorts of people. So yeah. FA is basically just for blah-blah personal venty stuff or rough drafts every now and then, and for socializing with what few people I still like/tolerate on this site. EVERYTHING else will be going on over at Weasyl. So if anyone wants to follow/support me more thoroughly, drop me a +Follow over yonder (but no friends requests, unless we're ACTUALLY friends, please--I don't accept random requests). Nothing's really kicking off majorly over on Weasyl QUITE yet, but ... I'm optimistically foreseeing a major boost in activity over the next several months.
Your resident bitchy bearwolf, over and out.
THINGS I WILL NOT BE DOING ON THIS SITE
Uploading finished pieces to the main gallery
Taking commissions
Putting items/services up for sale
Supporting/respecting the site admins in any way
THINGS I WILL BE DOING ON THIS SITE
Uploading rough personal pieces to scraps
Making announcement journals when I'm taking commissions on Weasyl
Making announcement journals when I have something for sale on Weasyl
Writing personal journal entries on a random basis
Commenting on journals/submissions/shout boxes
Faving art
Watching people
That should clear up any further issues with "those" sorts of people. So yeah. FA is basically just for blah-blah personal venty stuff or rough drafts every now and then, and for socializing with what few people I still like/tolerate on this site. EVERYTHING else will be going on over at Weasyl. So if anyone wants to follow/support me more thoroughly, drop me a +Follow over yonder (but no friends requests, unless we're ACTUALLY friends, please--I don't accept random requests). Nothing's really kicking off majorly over on Weasyl QUITE yet, but ... I'm optimistically foreseeing a major boost in activity over the next several months.
Your resident bitchy bearwolf, over and out.
Very Sick & Neglected Kitten Needs Your Help (Donations)
Posted 11 years agoSignal-boosting for an EXTREMELY important cause brought to light by 
shinebright about an absolutely horrific case of animal neglect:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5487857/
A poor 7 month old kitten was subjected to DAYS of starvation and agony, WHY...? Because her previous owner was saving up for a furry convention this coming weekend. Amazing. I can't WAIT for the ASPCA to crawl fifty feet up this disgusting person's animal-abusing asshole.
Little Ebony's fate is still uncertain (she's in a REALLY bad way, so she's not completely out of the woods yet), and the shelter has gone above and beyond the call of duty to rescue this cat. They MADE space for her--JUST for her, even when the shelter was technically full and they weren't supposed to take any more animals--and even went so far as to go to the owner's house to pick up Ebony, when the owner kept making excuses not to bring her in. They're literally working to save her life out of their very own pockets. So please. Even if all you can spare is a few bucks, give from your hearts and send this poor little sweetheart all the good vibes you possibly can. And if you absolutely can't donate, the best way you can help is to spread the word and repost ShineBright's journal anywhere you can (and please do that, too, even if you ARE donating--we need as many folks to see this as possible!).
shinebright about an absolutely horrific case of animal neglect:http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5487857/
A poor 7 month old kitten was subjected to DAYS of starvation and agony, WHY...? Because her previous owner was saving up for a furry convention this coming weekend. Amazing. I can't WAIT for the ASPCA to crawl fifty feet up this disgusting person's animal-abusing asshole.
Little Ebony's fate is still uncertain (she's in a REALLY bad way, so she's not completely out of the woods yet), and the shelter has gone above and beyond the call of duty to rescue this cat. They MADE space for her--JUST for her, even when the shelter was technically full and they weren't supposed to take any more animals--and even went so far as to go to the owner's house to pick up Ebony, when the owner kept making excuses not to bring her in. They're literally working to save her life out of their very own pockets. So please. Even if all you can spare is a few bucks, give from your hearts and send this poor little sweetheart all the good vibes you possibly can. And if you absolutely can't donate, the best way you can help is to spread the word and repost ShineBright's journal anywhere you can (and please do that, too, even if you ARE donating--we need as many folks to see this as possible!).
No More Art Being Posted Here, Only On Weasyl
Posted 11 years agoI'm sure a LOT of you all know by now the huge PR disaster going on with this site's staff, but if you don't and want more info, message me on Weasyl. This site isn't a safe place to discuss it (especially with as eager and hungry as this site's staff has been to finally be rid of me for a good long while, now, and they'd love NOTHING more than to use this whole fiasco as an excuse to finally toss me out).
What I -can- say is that I'm also absolutely appalled and disgusted by the amount of people on this site who are not only completely ignorant about the subject of rape, but also don't know when to shut the FUCK up and not leave comments when they don't know what the hell their talking about. I've seen more vile, damaging, hateful, and downright CRUEL examples of victim-blaming and rape apology within the past few days than I have in the past few YEARS. So many people who either don't know (or don't care) how damaging and triggering the things they're saying are to survivors of rape and sexual abuse who feel utterly COMPELLED to spout their opinions in public places where they can do nothing but incite anger and cause extreme harm. No one's forcing people to agree and all think the same way. If you have doubts, then have them. But have then PRIVATELY, where they can't HARM anyone. Furries and their obsessive need to type publicly every single thought they have, be it on important social issues or the last time they took a shit.
THINK. ABOUT. HOW. YOUR. WORDS. MIGHT. HURT. PEOPLE.
Is that so GOD-DAMN hard?!
So yes, the staff is a huge reason for why I've finally decided against ever contributing art to this community again ... but it's also this god-awful den of rape apologists (either deliberate ones or accidental ones) that's finally become the last straw that drives me away. Hell, I've known Neer is disgusting for YEARS, now, but I stupidly had faith that at least the FA community was somewhat redeemable. Welp ... IT AIN'T. Neer deserves to keep 'em.
So from here on out, the only place you can find new art from me will be on my Weasyl, so if you want to keep up with what I create and post, you can find it here:
https://www.weasyl.com/~synhowl
This corrupt vessel, as far as I'm concerned, is free to just sink beneath the undertow, where it can stew in its own corrupt bullshit to its heart's content. And for as long as I still remain unbanned from this site, I'll be sitting close by to watch it go out, when that day finally comes.
What I -can- say is that I'm also absolutely appalled and disgusted by the amount of people on this site who are not only completely ignorant about the subject of rape, but also don't know when to shut the FUCK up and not leave comments when they don't know what the hell their talking about. I've seen more vile, damaging, hateful, and downright CRUEL examples of victim-blaming and rape apology within the past few days than I have in the past few YEARS. So many people who either don't know (or don't care) how damaging and triggering the things they're saying are to survivors of rape and sexual abuse who feel utterly COMPELLED to spout their opinions in public places where they can do nothing but incite anger and cause extreme harm. No one's forcing people to agree and all think the same way. If you have doubts, then have them. But have then PRIVATELY, where they can't HARM anyone. Furries and their obsessive need to type publicly every single thought they have, be it on important social issues or the last time they took a shit.
THINK. ABOUT. HOW. YOUR. WORDS. MIGHT. HURT. PEOPLE.
Is that so GOD-DAMN hard?!
So yes, the staff is a huge reason for why I've finally decided against ever contributing art to this community again ... but it's also this god-awful den of rape apologists (either deliberate ones or accidental ones) that's finally become the last straw that drives me away. Hell, I've known Neer is disgusting for YEARS, now, but I stupidly had faith that at least the FA community was somewhat redeemable. Welp ... IT AIN'T. Neer deserves to keep 'em.
So from here on out, the only place you can find new art from me will be on my Weasyl, so if you want to keep up with what I create and post, you can find it here:
https://www.weasyl.com/~synhowl
This corrupt vessel, as far as I'm concerned, is free to just sink beneath the undertow, where it can stew in its own corrupt bullshit to its heart's content. And for as long as I still remain unbanned from this site, I'll be sitting close by to watch it go out, when that day finally comes.
Why Not; I'm Bored As Shit And Can't Sleep
Posted 12 years agoCross-posted from DA, because boredom:
1. How old will you be in five years?
33!
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Mah man, like always. XD
3. How tall are you?
5'4
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Hopefully finishing my certification paperwork for my 3D Animation class and starting up with my Computer Repair one. *fingers crossed*
5. What's the last movie you saw?
Epic
6. Who was the last person you called?
My momma.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Some random wrong number. Like ... 3 times in a row. O_o
8. What was the last text message you received?
One of my local buddies, pickin' my brain about stuff related to Vampire: The Masquerade (he's part of the group I'm Storytelling for).
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
My mom, when she was calling me back and I missed her call. Derp. XB
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Texting, cuz I can multi-task while still talking to people (and have the ability to talk to multiple people at the same time), and not be distracted. Also, since I can't use bluetooth devices (they all gimme migraines), I can talk to people while still having the use of both hands and not being distracted. XD
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Watching a Let's Play of Mafia 2 (getting inspiration for my latest VtM character, who acts like an Italian mobster, LOL).
12. Are your parents married/divorced?
My biological folks have been split up since I was 2 years old, but my mom re-married. Dad still goes from woman to woman and hasn't settled down again yet.
13. When did you last see your mom?
Yesterday, and pretty much every day, since me and my fiance live with her and my stepdad.
14. What color are your eyes?
Brown like poo.
15. What time did you wake up today?
2pm. T_T;;
16. What are you wearing right now?
Ummm ... *looks down* Grey boxers.
17. Do you like Christmas songs?
I actually really do! I sing 'em all season long. Christmas is my all-time favorite holiday. =3
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Anywhere, as long as I'm with my fiance (and hopefully someday, with my girlfriend, too ;__;)
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
At a doctor's office or the hospital. >_<;;
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I'd still REALLY love to visit Ireland someday.
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
To be honest, I have absolutely no idea. Hopefully working in my chosen industry by that point and getting some financial independence. @_@
22. Do you tan or burn?
Tan.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Monsters in the closet. Aaaaalways hadda sleep with the closet doors closed, or else I'd feel like something was staring at me from inside them. Dumb as it sounds, that still kinda happens to this day. >_>;;
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Something silly that Pookin said, as usual. XD
26. How big is your bed?
King-size.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Desktop, fo' life, bitches!
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Depends. If it's chilly (a raaaare occurance), I'll sleep in a wifebeater and boxers. Otherwise, in the buff.
29. What color are your sheets?
Dark gray.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Depending on how fucked or not-fucked my back is that night, anywhere between 1-3.
31. What is your favorite season?
Winterrrrrrrr (is coming *lame joke is lame*).
33. What do you like about winter?
I love getting a break from all the heat and mugginess we get the rest of the year long in Florida, and I can pretend (even if for a lil' while) that I live in a cooler climate place. XD
34. What do you like about the summer?
Eating ice cream and going swimming. But otherwise, I haaaaate summer. Too damn hot. And rainy. And humid. And hurricane season. FUCK hurricane season.
35. What do you like about spring?
We get a sliiiiiight decrease in heat and less rain, which is nice. But otherwise, not that much different than summer. T_T
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Just this one!
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Miami (where I was born) and Homestead (where I moved to, and still live at now).
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
At home, I'm pretty much always barefoot, unless the floor is cold. Then I just put on slippers. I only wear socks when I'm putting on closed shoes, like boots or sneakers. XD
39. Are you a social person?
As much as I can be. Borderline sometimes makes that difficult, even when I wanna reach out to folks. @_@;; But I try to make it a point to hang out with a few of my buds at LEAST once a week, if only so that I don't turn into a mentally defunct hermit. XD
40. What was the last thing you ate?
A meatball marinara sammich, from Subway. =D
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Fast food, McDonalds. -Real- restaurant, Olive Garden (breadstiiiiiickssssss).
42. What is your favorite kind of ice cream?
Cold Stone's cotton candy flavor (with a brownie mixed into it, cuz I'm a faaaatty). >.>;;
43. What is your favorite dessert?
I'm a sucker for home-made chocolate cakes (or Snickers ice cream bars).
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
I've got 3 top favs, depending on which one I'm in the mood for. Beer cheese soup, lobster bisque, or minestrone.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
It's rare that I put jelly on my PB sammiches but if/when I do, I've actually drifted away from the classic grape and developed more of a fondness for apple jelly (which is weird, cuz there's very few apple-based sweet foods I like, but the jelly is one of 'em somehow!).
46. Do you like Chinese food?
Heeeell yeeeeeeeah. And not just that take-out shit (tho I sometimes crave that, too--Panda Express is my food equivelent of visiting a whorehouse), but more homestyle, old-country sorta stuff, that I've learned to cook, myself. I really adore the authentic Chinese food culture, and I'm always learning new recipes. ^.^
47. Do you like coffee?
Love it, but can't have it in the mornings--shreds my stomach something awful. X_X Coffee's more of an afternoon beverage for me, when I have it. Expresso's my biggest interest, tho, not so much regular brewed joe.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Some days more than others, but I know for a fact that even on my best days, I'm not getting the recommended amount. @_@
49. What do you drink in the morning?
I've started getting really into tea, since I can't drink coffee in the morning. It's a nice substitute! My favs in the morning are spiced black tea, or chai, whereas I'm more likely to brew up something more light and refreshing (current fav for that is jasmine-scented green tea) in the afternoons/early evenings.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Right side of the bed. MY side. Noooooobody sleeps on my side. >=O
52. Do you know how to play poker?
Does electronic poker count...? XD
53. Do you like to cuddle?
HELL to the yes. With my mates, with friends, with family ... yuh. Gimme snugs.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No, but it's definitely one of the places I'd most like to visit. Especially since I'm heavily considering making it my back-up plan, if things ever reach critical mass here in the US and I need to get the hell out. I'd like to not hafta go overseas and learn a whole new primary language if I gotta switch countries, y'know? >_>;;
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
Sadly yeeeeeeah. Not sure how much of it is from my Borderline (since that's a documented symptom) and how much of it is from my own personality, but ... yeeeeeah. >_<
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
When I have the spare funds, I like to go out with my fiance somewhere (even if it's just to the 24-hour McDonalds close to home), but more often than not, I cook stuff at home and we just stay here and chill.
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
*shudders* .... VERY much so. >_<
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Haven't met anyone with it yet, nope, but me and my mom's are only 1 day apart, so that's pretty close.
59. Do you want kids?
NooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOoooooooooohoohoohooooooooo. Noooo, no, no, no. No. Noooooo, no-no. Noooooooo. O_O
60. Do you speak any other languages?
I know a fair bit of Spanish and a handful of words/phrases in French, but that's about it.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches
When I had my gall bladder removal, yeah. >_>
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yeeeeeeah. A surreal experience. @_@
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Pool, definitely. Salt water hurts the shit outta my eyes, and I like to be anywhere where I know jellyfish, sea urchins, and stingrays AREN'T. Way more likely to injure somebody than sharks, when it comes to Florida beaches, that's for sure. >_>
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
I did a shit-ton of plane-hopping the one year I've been able to go to Anthrocon thus far, and I rode window seat on all those flights. Definitely prefer the window, yup. I never get up during flights anyway, so the benefits of the isle seat are unnecessary for me. Heh.
65. Do you know how to drive a stick?
Nah, but one of my mom's ex-boyfriends tried to teach me. Didn't really catch on for me. XD
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Anything related to any of my nerdy passions (WoW, Magic cards, Warhammer miniatures, tabletop gaming supplies, etc.)
67. Do you wear any jewelry?
Most of the time just my leather dog collar and some leather D-ring wrist cuffs, but when I'm not wearing those, I where some of the shamballa bracelets me and my mom make. And, of course, my engagement ring is always on. <3
68. What is/are your favorite TV show/s?
Family Guy, American Dad, Regular Show, Amazing World of Gumball, Steven Universe, Law & Order: SVU, documentaries, and now starting to get into Space Dandy.
69. Can you roll your tongue?
I can roll my "R's" in Spanish words, if that's what you mean! XD
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
That I personally know? Mah man. He's a goof, but he's MY goof. <3
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
When Pookin isn't in bed with me, or when I'm feeling sick/depressed and need plushy therapy. XD
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
I use a snippet of the song "Bear Trap" by Ultrablack as my default ringtone. Still haven't set personal ones for individual people on my contact list yet (just recently upgraded from a 1st Gen Blackberry to an Android Sidekick).
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
My mom has some of my baby dresses and socks, yeah. XD
74. What red object is closest to you right now?
The plastic cup on my desk. >.>
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Nah.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
CLOSED. Refer back to answer #23. >_>;;
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
I'm deathly terrified of bees, so ... BRING ON THE BEAR!
78. Do you flirt a lot?
I play-flirt with some of my female friends, but that's about it. Ain't safe to do that with guy friends, they always take it the wrong way, when it's comin' from someone whose biologically a girl. XD
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Sweet and sour is my fav dippin' sauce for chicken nuggets.
80. What is your favorite food?
Jeez, too many to ever possibly narrow down to ONE specific food. Impossible question is impossible. @_@
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yup!
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope!
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
One time that I was driving with Pookin the car stalled and we hadda push it to a gas station, yeah. NOT fun. T_T
84. What is your usual bedtime?
Anywhere between 2am-10am. YAY INSOMNIA! >_<
85. What was the last book you read?
Ummmmm, one of my Redwall novels that I re-read. Think it was Salamandastron. Or The Long Patrol, one of those two.
86. Do you read the newspaper?
Nawp.
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nu.
89. Do you watch soap operas?
Used to watch General Hospital and All My Children back in the late 90's/early 2000's, but the plots started to get stupidly unrealistic (moreso than they already were XD) and most of my favorite actors left the show/their characters got killed off, and I just totally lost interest. =P
90. Do you dance in the car?
<_< ....... >_> ...... Yeeeeeeah. Guilty as charged. XD
91. What radio station did you last listen to?
There are some pretty good mix-up stations here in FL (plays everything from the 80's, 90's, and today), and there USED to be this really awesome dance music station, but they killed it off. Sad bearwolf is sad. =<
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
Ummmm, the 10th year anniversary present that I drew of me and Pookin's characters is hanging on the wall in front of me--does THAT count? XD
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
Random notes and number-crunching during my last VtM session last week. XD
94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Ooooo, I got lots of favs. Sugar Cookie, Bamboo Forest, Fresh Linen, and anything light and floral.
95. What is your favorite board game?
I've got a bunch. XD Red Dragon Inn, Nothing Personal, Guillotine, Ticket To Ride, Love Letters, and as for the "vintage" board games ... Fire Island, Clue, and Sorry!. XD
97. When was the last time you attended church?
Yeeeeeears ago. Not places I really like to visit, given my, umm ... 'sentiments' ... about religion, as a whole, these days. Gives me the heeby-jeebies. >_>
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
I home-schooled all throughout high school, but my favorite elementary teachers were Mr. Abril (my music teacher and chorus instructor) and Miss Bright (my art teacher), and in middle school Miss Goldhagen (my art teacher).
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
I actually have never gone camping yet! Still something I'd like to try someday. XD
100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Well, my fiance is always doing special stuff for me, so rather than pick the obvious and give someone else a chance ... I'll say one of my local non-furry buddies, who bought me a pre-ordered copy of Walking Dead: Season 2 on Steam for my birthday. =3
1. How old will you be in five years?
33!
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today?
Mah man, like always. XD
3. How tall are you?
5'4
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
Hopefully finishing my certification paperwork for my 3D Animation class and starting up with my Computer Repair one. *fingers crossed*
5. What's the last movie you saw?
Epic
6. Who was the last person you called?
My momma.
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Some random wrong number. Like ... 3 times in a row. O_o
8. What was the last text message you received?
One of my local buddies, pickin' my brain about stuff related to Vampire: The Masquerade (he's part of the group I'm Storytelling for).
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?
My mom, when she was calling me back and I missed her call. Derp. XB
10. Do you prefer to call or text?
Texting, cuz I can multi-task while still talking to people (and have the ability to talk to multiple people at the same time), and not be distracted. Also, since I can't use bluetooth devices (they all gimme migraines), I can talk to people while still having the use of both hands and not being distracted. XD
11. What were you doing at 12am last night?
Watching a Let's Play of Mafia 2 (getting inspiration for my latest VtM character, who acts like an Italian mobster, LOL).
12. Are your parents married/divorced?
My biological folks have been split up since I was 2 years old, but my mom re-married. Dad still goes from woman to woman and hasn't settled down again yet.
13. When did you last see your mom?
Yesterday, and pretty much every day, since me and my fiance live with her and my stepdad.
14. What color are your eyes?
Brown like poo.
15. What time did you wake up today?
2pm. T_T;;
16. What are you wearing right now?
Ummm ... *looks down* Grey boxers.
17. Do you like Christmas songs?
I actually really do! I sing 'em all season long. Christmas is my all-time favorite holiday. =3
18. Where is your favorite place to be?
Anywhere, as long as I'm with my fiance (and hopefully someday, with my girlfriend, too ;__;)
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
At a doctor's office or the hospital. >_<;;
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I'd still REALLY love to visit Ireland someday.
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years?
To be honest, I have absolutely no idea. Hopefully working in my chosen industry by that point and getting some financial independence. @_@
22. Do you tan or burn?
Tan.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Monsters in the closet. Aaaaalways hadda sleep with the closet doors closed, or else I'd feel like something was staring at me from inside them. Dumb as it sounds, that still kinda happens to this day. >_>;;
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh?
Something silly that Pookin said, as usual. XD
26. How big is your bed?
King-size.
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
Desktop, fo' life, bitches!
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
Depends. If it's chilly (a raaaare occurance), I'll sleep in a wifebeater and boxers. Otherwise, in the buff.
29. What color are your sheets?
Dark gray.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Depending on how fucked or not-fucked my back is that night, anywhere between 1-3.
31. What is your favorite season?
Winterrrrrrrr (is coming *lame joke is lame*).
33. What do you like about winter?
I love getting a break from all the heat and mugginess we get the rest of the year long in Florida, and I can pretend (even if for a lil' while) that I live in a cooler climate place. XD
34. What do you like about the summer?
Eating ice cream and going swimming. But otherwise, I haaaaate summer. Too damn hot. And rainy. And humid. And hurricane season. FUCK hurricane season.
35. What do you like about spring?
We get a sliiiiiight decrease in heat and less rain, which is nice. But otherwise, not that much different than summer. T_T
36. How many states/provinces have you lived in?
Just this one!
37. What cities/towns have you lived in?
Miami (where I was born) and Homestead (where I moved to, and still live at now).
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
At home, I'm pretty much always barefoot, unless the floor is cold. Then I just put on slippers. I only wear socks when I'm putting on closed shoes, like boots or sneakers. XD
39. Are you a social person?
As much as I can be. Borderline sometimes makes that difficult, even when I wanna reach out to folks. @_@;; But I try to make it a point to hang out with a few of my buds at LEAST once a week, if only so that I don't turn into a mentally defunct hermit. XD
40. What was the last thing you ate?
A meatball marinara sammich, from Subway. =D
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
Fast food, McDonalds. -Real- restaurant, Olive Garden (breadstiiiiiickssssss).
42. What is your favorite kind of ice cream?
Cold Stone's cotton candy flavor (with a brownie mixed into it, cuz I'm a faaaatty). >.>;;
43. What is your favorite dessert?
I'm a sucker for home-made chocolate cakes (or Snickers ice cream bars).
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
I've got 3 top favs, depending on which one I'm in the mood for. Beer cheese soup, lobster bisque, or minestrone.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
It's rare that I put jelly on my PB sammiches but if/when I do, I've actually drifted away from the classic grape and developed more of a fondness for apple jelly (which is weird, cuz there's very few apple-based sweet foods I like, but the jelly is one of 'em somehow!).
46. Do you like Chinese food?
Heeeell yeeeeeeeah. And not just that take-out shit (tho I sometimes crave that, too--Panda Express is my food equivelent of visiting a whorehouse), but more homestyle, old-country sorta stuff, that I've learned to cook, myself. I really adore the authentic Chinese food culture, and I'm always learning new recipes. ^.^
47. Do you like coffee?
Love it, but can't have it in the mornings--shreds my stomach something awful. X_X Coffee's more of an afternoon beverage for me, when I have it. Expresso's my biggest interest, tho, not so much regular brewed joe.
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average?
Some days more than others, but I know for a fact that even on my best days, I'm not getting the recommended amount. @_@
49. What do you drink in the morning?
I've started getting really into tea, since I can't drink coffee in the morning. It's a nice substitute! My favs in the morning are spiced black tea, or chai, whereas I'm more likely to brew up something more light and refreshing (current fav for that is jasmine-scented green tea) in the afternoons/early evenings.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Right side of the bed. MY side. Noooooobody sleeps on my side. >=O
52. Do you know how to play poker?
Does electronic poker count...? XD
53. Do you like to cuddle?
HELL to the yes. With my mates, with friends, with family ... yuh. Gimme snugs.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
No, but it's definitely one of the places I'd most like to visit. Especially since I'm heavily considering making it my back-up plan, if things ever reach critical mass here in the US and I need to get the hell out. I'd like to not hafta go overseas and learn a whole new primary language if I gotta switch countries, y'know? >_>;;
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
Sadly yeeeeeeah. Not sure how much of it is from my Borderline (since that's a documented symptom) and how much of it is from my own personality, but ... yeeeeeah. >_<
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
When I have the spare funds, I like to go out with my fiance somewhere (even if it's just to the 24-hour McDonalds close to home), but more often than not, I cook stuff at home and we just stay here and chill.
57. Do you believe in ghosts?
*shudders* .... VERY much so. >_<
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Haven't met anyone with it yet, nope, but me and my mom's are only 1 day apart, so that's pretty close.
59. Do you want kids?
NooooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOOoooooooooohoohoohooooooooo. Noooo, no, no, no. No. Noooooo, no-no. Noooooooo. O_O
60. Do you speak any other languages?
I know a fair bit of Spanish and a handful of words/phrases in French, but that's about it.
61. Have you ever gotten stitches
When I had my gall bladder removal, yeah. >_>
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yeeeeeeah. A surreal experience. @_@
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
Pool, definitely. Salt water hurts the shit outta my eyes, and I like to be anywhere where I know jellyfish, sea urchins, and stingrays AREN'T. Way more likely to injure somebody than sharks, when it comes to Florida beaches, that's for sure. >_>
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
I did a shit-ton of plane-hopping the one year I've been able to go to Anthrocon thus far, and I rode window seat on all those flights. Definitely prefer the window, yup. I never get up during flights anyway, so the benefits of the isle seat are unnecessary for me. Heh.
65. Do you know how to drive a stick?
Nah, but one of my mom's ex-boyfriends tried to teach me. Didn't really catch on for me. XD
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Anything related to any of my nerdy passions (WoW, Magic cards, Warhammer miniatures, tabletop gaming supplies, etc.)
67. Do you wear any jewelry?
Most of the time just my leather dog collar and some leather D-ring wrist cuffs, but when I'm not wearing those, I where some of the shamballa bracelets me and my mom make. And, of course, my engagement ring is always on. <3
68. What is/are your favorite TV show/s?
Family Guy, American Dad, Regular Show, Amazing World of Gumball, Steven Universe, Law & Order: SVU, documentaries, and now starting to get into Space Dandy.
69. Can you roll your tongue?
I can roll my "R's" in Spanish words, if that's what you mean! XD
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
That I personally know? Mah man. He's a goof, but he's MY goof. <3
71. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
When Pookin isn't in bed with me, or when I'm feeling sick/depressed and need plushy therapy. XD
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
I use a snippet of the song "Bear Trap" by Ultrablack as my default ringtone. Still haven't set personal ones for individual people on my contact list yet (just recently upgraded from a 1st Gen Blackberry to an Android Sidekick).
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
My mom has some of my baby dresses and socks, yeah. XD
74. What red object is closest to you right now?
The plastic cup on my desk. >.>
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
Nah.
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
CLOSED. Refer back to answer #23. >_>;;
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
I'm deathly terrified of bees, so ... BRING ON THE BEAR!
78. Do you flirt a lot?
I play-flirt with some of my female friends, but that's about it. Ain't safe to do that with guy friends, they always take it the wrong way, when it's comin' from someone whose biologically a girl. XD
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Sweet and sour is my fav dippin' sauce for chicken nuggets.
80. What is your favorite food?
Jeez, too many to ever possibly narrow down to ONE specific food. Impossible question is impossible. @_@
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yup!
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope!
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
One time that I was driving with Pookin the car stalled and we hadda push it to a gas station, yeah. NOT fun. T_T
84. What is your usual bedtime?
Anywhere between 2am-10am. YAY INSOMNIA! >_<
85. What was the last book you read?
Ummmmm, one of my Redwall novels that I re-read. Think it was Salamandastron. Or The Long Patrol, one of those two.
86. Do you read the newspaper?
Nawp.
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nu.
89. Do you watch soap operas?
Used to watch General Hospital and All My Children back in the late 90's/early 2000's, but the plots started to get stupidly unrealistic (moreso than they already were XD) and most of my favorite actors left the show/their characters got killed off, and I just totally lost interest. =P
90. Do you dance in the car?
<_< ....... >_> ...... Yeeeeeeah. Guilty as charged. XD
91. What radio station did you last listen to?
There are some pretty good mix-up stations here in FL (plays everything from the 80's, 90's, and today), and there USED to be this really awesome dance music station, but they killed it off. Sad bearwolf is sad. =<
92. Who is in the picture frame closest to you?
Ummmm, the 10th year anniversary present that I drew of me and Pookin's characters is hanging on the wall in front of me--does THAT count? XD
93. What was the last note you scribbled on a piece of paper?
Random notes and number-crunching during my last VtM session last week. XD
94. What is your favorite candle scent?
Ooooo, I got lots of favs. Sugar Cookie, Bamboo Forest, Fresh Linen, and anything light and floral.
95. What is your favorite board game?
I've got a bunch. XD Red Dragon Inn, Nothing Personal, Guillotine, Ticket To Ride, Love Letters, and as for the "vintage" board games ... Fire Island, Clue, and Sorry!. XD
97. When was the last time you attended church?
Yeeeeeears ago. Not places I really like to visit, given my, umm ... 'sentiments' ... about religion, as a whole, these days. Gives me the heeby-jeebies. >_>
98. Who was your favorite teacher in high school?
I home-schooled all throughout high school, but my favorite elementary teachers were Mr. Abril (my music teacher and chorus instructor) and Miss Bright (my art teacher), and in middle school Miss Goldhagen (my art teacher).
99. What is the longest you have ever camped out in a tent?
I actually have never gone camping yet! Still something I'd like to try someday. XD
100. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you?
Well, my fiance is always doing special stuff for me, so rather than pick the obvious and give someone else a chance ... I'll say one of my local non-furry buddies, who bought me a pre-ordered copy of Walking Dead: Season 2 on Steam for my birthday. =3
The Root Of The Sickness
Posted 12 years agoNot officially "back", just wanted to air some thoughts, since life has still continued to slowly but surely fall apart around me, and I continue to devolve further and further into my descent towards complete self-destruction. I finally understand why I am where I am. Why I've been stuck here, even -after knowing what my condition is and seeking professional help in the past.
I've convinced myself that I deserve it.
Not just the disorder ... -Everything-.
Plans falling apart all because I get upset about something ... being hurt by the things people I care about say and do ... my physical health falling apart ... my mental health falling apart ... physically destroying and abusing my own body ... the never-ending feelings of enraged frustrated helplessness and the numbed bitterly-accepted despair ... all of it because I feel as though I deserve it. My self-loathing is THAT intense.
I don't work towards getting better because part of me doesn't WANT to get better. Wants me to STAY in this hell, suffering like this, ruining my life like this ... because it's supposed to be my life-long punishment. I remain stuck because the half of me that thrives off of it is the one that's in control, and the part desperately screaming and struggling for a way out has just been stuffed further and further down. My disorder runs my life, because I -let- it. I really AM fucked...
Now i feel a whole new level of despair. Even if i -do- go back to therapy in the next few months, what then? How is it not just going to end up the same way it always has? Starting out so motivated and full of hope, and then it's just a slow fall right back into the same pit. What if that's the whole point of the cycle...? To let me built back up just enough so that it hurts that much more when it all breaks down?
I'm not proud to admit it, but I've ... been self-harming more frequently and worse than ever lately. I've regressed back into not even being able to look my own reflection in the eyes anymore. I'm disgusted by who I see. I DESPISE who I see. And I want nothing good for that person. I'm stuffed full of hate to the point of bursting. And i know that THAT is what's keeping me from a normal life. It's also the one fucking thing i have NO idea how to get past. It's plagued me almost the entirety of my life. I literally can't even remember anymore what it felt like to NOT hate myself and be disgusted by myself. I'm sure I was, at one point. When I was really little, and hadn't really begun to be worn down by life yet ... but I just honestly don't remember how that felt. That loathing has become as much a part of me as my skin, my bones, my flesh ... just something that's always been there. Not being able to remember life without it.
Can that even BE undone and repaired...? I don't know. I just honestly don't know.
I've convinced myself that I deserve it.
Not just the disorder ... -Everything-.
Plans falling apart all because I get upset about something ... being hurt by the things people I care about say and do ... my physical health falling apart ... my mental health falling apart ... physically destroying and abusing my own body ... the never-ending feelings of enraged frustrated helplessness and the numbed bitterly-accepted despair ... all of it because I feel as though I deserve it. My self-loathing is THAT intense.
I don't work towards getting better because part of me doesn't WANT to get better. Wants me to STAY in this hell, suffering like this, ruining my life like this ... because it's supposed to be my life-long punishment. I remain stuck because the half of me that thrives off of it is the one that's in control, and the part desperately screaming and struggling for a way out has just been stuffed further and further down. My disorder runs my life, because I -let- it. I really AM fucked...
Now i feel a whole new level of despair. Even if i -do- go back to therapy in the next few months, what then? How is it not just going to end up the same way it always has? Starting out so motivated and full of hope, and then it's just a slow fall right back into the same pit. What if that's the whole point of the cycle...? To let me built back up just enough so that it hurts that much more when it all breaks down?
I'm not proud to admit it, but I've ... been self-harming more frequently and worse than ever lately. I've regressed back into not even being able to look my own reflection in the eyes anymore. I'm disgusted by who I see. I DESPISE who I see. And I want nothing good for that person. I'm stuffed full of hate to the point of bursting. And i know that THAT is what's keeping me from a normal life. It's also the one fucking thing i have NO idea how to get past. It's plagued me almost the entirety of my life. I literally can't even remember anymore what it felt like to NOT hate myself and be disgusted by myself. I'm sure I was, at one point. When I was really little, and hadn't really begun to be worn down by life yet ... but I just honestly don't remember how that felt. That loathing has become as much a part of me as my skin, my bones, my flesh ... just something that's always been there. Not being able to remember life without it.
Can that even BE undone and repaired...? I don't know. I just honestly don't know.
*Bump*
Posted 12 years agoSo.
This is a journal.
It has words in it.
The End!
This is a journal.
It has words in it.
The End!
I Learned Today That Everyone Hates Me
Posted 12 years agoAnd I can't say I'm the least bit surprised. I mean, who wouldn't'? I'm a mouthy, over-zealous, short-tempered, deliberately-insensitive-when-angry, foul-mouthed, short-sighted, DYSFUNCTIONAL piece of fat, ugly, useless drivel. And no, that is NOT fishing for asspats or looking for sympathy, that's the honest-to-goodness truth. I'm garbage. I've ALWAYS been garbage, and always WILL be garbage.
Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, the bedrock caves out from under me and drops me into an even DEEPER hole. I'm pretty much at my lowest point right now. My eyes have been opened to JUST how many people utterly despise me, and rightly so. I have more than enough irredeemable qualities to want to make any sane reasonable person run and never look back. Let's list them, shall we?
1) I act without thinking. I'll say the first damn thing that comes to mind more often than I'll sit and consider it a bit before acting. I'll impulsively say/type the FIRST thing that pops into my brain, just because it feels good/right/relieving at the time, without any thought to the consequences. And as a result, I make myself look like a lot of awful things--racist, misogynist, psycho ... you name it. And I have no one to blame but myself.
2) I can't keep this fucking stupid disorder in line, which makes me a failure. I've let this thing run rampant, because I literally just don't know how to fucking manage it. And it'll be awhile before I'm able to start working with a DBT specialist. But in the meantime, this ... THING ... is running wild, like a bull in a fucking china shop, and I can't fucking wrangle it. That makes me LESS than useless. This thing is taking over my life, to the point of not even wanting to HAVE one. I've lost count of the number of times I've just wanted to ... "give up" ... within the past 2 months. I'm trying so hard to hold on, but it's difficult when it doesn't even feel like it's worth it. That sticking around just causes nothing but pain and misery for myself and others. And those thoughts scare the crap out of me.
3) I have a hideous temper, thanks to this fucking disorder. As a result, I've been SO abusive towards people who don't deserve it ... and made myself look like a jackass to others for being abusive towards those that DO. I'm no better than a rabies-stricken animal, and it makes me ill to realize that. I'm unhinged, unstable, and a giant walking mess. Nobody deserves to have to deal with the dysfunctional rancid glory that is ... me. Big ol' stupid, nasty-tempered me. The smart ones will run, rather than get involved with a seething lunatic like I am...
4) I'm an unmotivated useless shitbag. The number of ideas/projects/unmet goals just sitting around gathering dust around me is just ... stifling. I can never get a single damn thing finished or accomplished. And it takes me forever to get to the things that I don't just WANT to do, but NEED to do. I'm a big, stupid, lazy lump of garbage. How anyone ever have the patience to put up with me is just beyond my ability to understand. I'm not worth waiting around for, just to see if I'll ever follow through or finally shift off of my fat lazy ass. I'm just NOT fucking worth it. I'm a wasted investment, in every possible meaning of the term.
5) I'm a thin-skinned coward. I can dish out all SORTS of vile and despicable crap at EVERYONE around me, but can I take even a TENTH of it right back? NOOOOOOOOOOO! It's disgusting. I'm falling to pieces all because a bunch of people I'll prolly never even meet in person, in a closed community, said a bunch of true things about me. What does that make me if not a weak-willed coward? No sane, functional person would react this way to criticism--DESERVED criticism. I'm a special kind of loser to profess how others should "harden the fuck up", and me running around acting like a hard-ass, when all the while ... I can't take the stink of my own shit, nor follow my own advice.
In conclusion, I'm useless. I'm the huge greasy turd that just won't flush. I act like I'm so big and bad, when my supposed "strength" doesn't come from confidence or courage ... it just comes from giving into savage baser instincts, and indulging my own insanity-induced impulses. Why anyone would ever want to be AROUND me, talk to me, be nice to me, or associate with me in ANY way, for ANY reason ... is just a complete mystery to me. Thankfully, those people are few, and the vast majority of them see me for what I -really- am.
A piece of shit.
Right now, I feel like doing a lot of ... BAD things. Doing myself harm in punishment of how disgusting I am is high on that list. Going on a self-destructive campaign all over the internet to burn every bridge I ever had and just finish destroying my reputation completely is also pretty high up there. But highest of all is the desire to just ... RUN. To get the hell away from EVERYONE in this fandom. The good, the bad, ALL of it. I'd be doing the people who hate me a favor, and I'd be sparing the poor damn fools who stick by me, so why not...? I -should- just ... disappear from here. To vanish off the face of the fandom, so that all that's left of me are the stories of my legendary level of vileness. So that all that's left is my infamy. It'd be a fitting end to over 11 years of making myself look like an idiot to others in here. Barely anyone would even lament at my leaving anyway...
...All I know for sure is that right now, I'm just about the most broken I've ever been, and THE closest I've EVER been to leaving the furry fandom for good. I'm SO fucking close ... so, so, SO fucking close. I still don't know if I am or not, but I'm teetering on the edge. I just can't cope with all this right now. And the best part is that I COMPLETELY deserve to feel this way. Karma works after all, I guess.
I'm withdrawing a LOT after this, as I consider whether or not I'm leaving this fandom. You won't be seeing any new journals from me (tho I'll try my best to reply to people in this one, if people even bother to say anything), and you definitely won't see me actively involved in anything either here or elsewhere. At most, I'll be faving things, posting stuff to my Tumblr occasionally, and (tho I doubt anyone will be interested or care) uploading adoptables for sale here on FA. Beyond that, I'm completely unplugging myself, until I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Much as I'd love to just continue to talk at great length and in graphic detail about how horrible I am, I'll end this here. Those of you who want to reach out to me (you poor damn fools) know the ways to do so. Take care.
Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, the bedrock caves out from under me and drops me into an even DEEPER hole. I'm pretty much at my lowest point right now. My eyes have been opened to JUST how many people utterly despise me, and rightly so. I have more than enough irredeemable qualities to want to make any sane reasonable person run and never look back. Let's list them, shall we?
1) I act without thinking. I'll say the first damn thing that comes to mind more often than I'll sit and consider it a bit before acting. I'll impulsively say/type the FIRST thing that pops into my brain, just because it feels good/right/relieving at the time, without any thought to the consequences. And as a result, I make myself look like a lot of awful things--racist, misogynist, psycho ... you name it. And I have no one to blame but myself.
2) I can't keep this fucking stupid disorder in line, which makes me a failure. I've let this thing run rampant, because I literally just don't know how to fucking manage it. And it'll be awhile before I'm able to start working with a DBT specialist. But in the meantime, this ... THING ... is running wild, like a bull in a fucking china shop, and I can't fucking wrangle it. That makes me LESS than useless. This thing is taking over my life, to the point of not even wanting to HAVE one. I've lost count of the number of times I've just wanted to ... "give up" ... within the past 2 months. I'm trying so hard to hold on, but it's difficult when it doesn't even feel like it's worth it. That sticking around just causes nothing but pain and misery for myself and others. And those thoughts scare the crap out of me.
3) I have a hideous temper, thanks to this fucking disorder. As a result, I've been SO abusive towards people who don't deserve it ... and made myself look like a jackass to others for being abusive towards those that DO. I'm no better than a rabies-stricken animal, and it makes me ill to realize that. I'm unhinged, unstable, and a giant walking mess. Nobody deserves to have to deal with the dysfunctional rancid glory that is ... me. Big ol' stupid, nasty-tempered me. The smart ones will run, rather than get involved with a seething lunatic like I am...
4) I'm an unmotivated useless shitbag. The number of ideas/projects/unmet goals just sitting around gathering dust around me is just ... stifling. I can never get a single damn thing finished or accomplished. And it takes me forever to get to the things that I don't just WANT to do, but NEED to do. I'm a big, stupid, lazy lump of garbage. How anyone ever have the patience to put up with me is just beyond my ability to understand. I'm not worth waiting around for, just to see if I'll ever follow through or finally shift off of my fat lazy ass. I'm just NOT fucking worth it. I'm a wasted investment, in every possible meaning of the term.
5) I'm a thin-skinned coward. I can dish out all SORTS of vile and despicable crap at EVERYONE around me, but can I take even a TENTH of it right back? NOOOOOOOOOOO! It's disgusting. I'm falling to pieces all because a bunch of people I'll prolly never even meet in person, in a closed community, said a bunch of true things about me. What does that make me if not a weak-willed coward? No sane, functional person would react this way to criticism--DESERVED criticism. I'm a special kind of loser to profess how others should "harden the fuck up", and me running around acting like a hard-ass, when all the while ... I can't take the stink of my own shit, nor follow my own advice.
In conclusion, I'm useless. I'm the huge greasy turd that just won't flush. I act like I'm so big and bad, when my supposed "strength" doesn't come from confidence or courage ... it just comes from giving into savage baser instincts, and indulging my own insanity-induced impulses. Why anyone would ever want to be AROUND me, talk to me, be nice to me, or associate with me in ANY way, for ANY reason ... is just a complete mystery to me. Thankfully, those people are few, and the vast majority of them see me for what I -really- am.
A piece of shit.
Right now, I feel like doing a lot of ... BAD things. Doing myself harm in punishment of how disgusting I am is high on that list. Going on a self-destructive campaign all over the internet to burn every bridge I ever had and just finish destroying my reputation completely is also pretty high up there. But highest of all is the desire to just ... RUN. To get the hell away from EVERYONE in this fandom. The good, the bad, ALL of it. I'd be doing the people who hate me a favor, and I'd be sparing the poor damn fools who stick by me, so why not...? I -should- just ... disappear from here. To vanish off the face of the fandom, so that all that's left of me are the stories of my legendary level of vileness. So that all that's left is my infamy. It'd be a fitting end to over 11 years of making myself look like an idiot to others in here. Barely anyone would even lament at my leaving anyway...
...All I know for sure is that right now, I'm just about the most broken I've ever been, and THE closest I've EVER been to leaving the furry fandom for good. I'm SO fucking close ... so, so, SO fucking close. I still don't know if I am or not, but I'm teetering on the edge. I just can't cope with all this right now. And the best part is that I COMPLETELY deserve to feel this way. Karma works after all, I guess.
I'm withdrawing a LOT after this, as I consider whether or not I'm leaving this fandom. You won't be seeing any new journals from me (tho I'll try my best to reply to people in this one, if people even bother to say anything), and you definitely won't see me actively involved in anything either here or elsewhere. At most, I'll be faving things, posting stuff to my Tumblr occasionally, and (tho I doubt anyone will be interested or care) uploading adoptables for sale here on FA. Beyond that, I'm completely unplugging myself, until I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Much as I'd love to just continue to talk at great length and in graphic detail about how horrible I am, I'll end this here. Those of you who want to reach out to me (you poor damn fools) know the ways to do so. Take care.
A Disclaimer & For The Sake of Bumping Down The Last Journal
Posted 12 years agoOkay, this kept being an issue with the last journal, so lemme just clarify some things.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What's that? The short version, without grabbing the nearest psychiatry book is that all my emotions are perpetually dialed up to 100, instead of the usual 1-10 range. Frustration is set to anger, actual anger is ramped up for frothing rage, sadness feels like I'm dying, and fear is paralyzing and insanity-inducing in most cases. Every day is ... pretty much a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, and it's exhausting, to say the least. There's no medication that exists that can effectively treat all symptoms (a lot of BPD sufferers are falsely diagnosed as bipolar or depressed, and the medication for those tends to do more harm than good for people with BPD). The only proven successful treatment is a type of behavioral guidance therapy that to be truly effective, requires the aid of a therapist who specializes in helping treat BPD (which I can't afford to see and get help from). So, what that all boils down to ... is that I'm dealing with an untreated highly-volatile psychological condition in my day-to-day. Which means that when I'm upset, there's only really a handful of ways that I can deal with the explosion of emotions, and all of them are violent in one way or another. Either to myself, others, property, or in the form of a lot of very angrily-typed words. I dunno about you guys ... but between all of those, I think the rage-typing is a LOT less damaging. =/ So 9 times out of 10, that's going to be my preferred method of choice for "releasing the pressure valve" in a way that isn't either going to make me lose my mind, or result in my involuntarily lashing out at people and things around me (truth be told, tho, I'm more likely to physically harm myself than an innocent bystander, of the direct cause of my "episode" isn't standing right in front of me).
The shorter version ... there are gonna be times when I bust a gasket. For someone like me, it's pretty much unavoidable. So journals are gonna crop up sometimes in which I'm either soul-crushingly depressed, or badger-with-its-nuts-tied level of furious. It's GONNA happen. I'm not gonna lie to you and say something that isn't true. These kinds of journals are going to show up every now and then when something happens. If you REALLY can't handle my irrational outbursts without acting like a twat towards me just because you want to be right and try to "fix" me (spoiler alert--you can't reason with someone having a BPD episode while they're still in the middle of it), then please, please, please, PLEASE -Watch me, and kindly escort yourself out the nearest door. Spare yourself--AND me--a lot of needless additional stress.
I'd like to think that overall, I have a lot more good days than bad, and the majority of my "episodes" are fairly short-lived things, and are related to pretty minor and unimportant things (like getting into a tizzy because I can't remember where I put my phone or something). But every once in awhile, a more serious outburst rears its ugly head, and I'd MUCH rather sit down and right about it than indulge in more dangerous and unhealthy ways of dealing with those emotions. I'm gonna be pretty zero-tolerance on the judgmental bullshit from here on out, on those kinds of journals. If you're someone I'm close to, and we have an understanding on how we communicate, you guys don't really hafta worry. When someone I know and care about gives some tough love because I'm getting outta line, that's very different. But if someone complete stranger tries to get all holier-than-thou and try to preach to me about how I should or shouldn't act, all while not knowing or understanding a SINGLE thing about me...? I'm sorry, but I -am- going to hide that comment. Persistence is gonna result in a block. I write those sorts of journals to get my inner demons OUT. Not so that random jerkoffs can give me a fresh batch by giving me a hard time and making me even MORE agitated.
Why not just delete the journals later, you ask? Simple. I don't believe in that kind of cover-up. I believe strongly in accountability. Even when I'm wrong. Even when I fuck up. Nothing just "disappears" just because I don't like it or am ashamed of what I said/did. I want to be able to look back, years later, and remember how i used to think and behave--to compare the good AND the bad. So in short, journals of mine don't disappear unless an admin removes them (which in my less-than-stellar past, HAS happened >_<).
Hope that's cleared up any issues, and with any luck, we'll avoid further unpleasantness in the future. To those who stick by me, even when I act like a looney shit ... love you guys with all my everything .*huge hugs* To the "computer chair psychologists" and other general know-it-alls who may, in the future, cause shit regardless of this journal's existance ... you were warned! =P
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What's that? The short version, without grabbing the nearest psychiatry book is that all my emotions are perpetually dialed up to 100, instead of the usual 1-10 range. Frustration is set to anger, actual anger is ramped up for frothing rage, sadness feels like I'm dying, and fear is paralyzing and insanity-inducing in most cases. Every day is ... pretty much a constant roller coaster of highs and lows, and it's exhausting, to say the least. There's no medication that exists that can effectively treat all symptoms (a lot of BPD sufferers are falsely diagnosed as bipolar or depressed, and the medication for those tends to do more harm than good for people with BPD). The only proven successful treatment is a type of behavioral guidance therapy that to be truly effective, requires the aid of a therapist who specializes in helping treat BPD (which I can't afford to see and get help from). So, what that all boils down to ... is that I'm dealing with an untreated highly-volatile psychological condition in my day-to-day. Which means that when I'm upset, there's only really a handful of ways that I can deal with the explosion of emotions, and all of them are violent in one way or another. Either to myself, others, property, or in the form of a lot of very angrily-typed words. I dunno about you guys ... but between all of those, I think the rage-typing is a LOT less damaging. =/ So 9 times out of 10, that's going to be my preferred method of choice for "releasing the pressure valve" in a way that isn't either going to make me lose my mind, or result in my involuntarily lashing out at people and things around me (truth be told, tho, I'm more likely to physically harm myself than an innocent bystander, of the direct cause of my "episode" isn't standing right in front of me).
The shorter version ... there are gonna be times when I bust a gasket. For someone like me, it's pretty much unavoidable. So journals are gonna crop up sometimes in which I'm either soul-crushingly depressed, or badger-with-its-nuts-tied level of furious. It's GONNA happen. I'm not gonna lie to you and say something that isn't true. These kinds of journals are going to show up every now and then when something happens. If you REALLY can't handle my irrational outbursts without acting like a twat towards me just because you want to be right and try to "fix" me (spoiler alert--you can't reason with someone having a BPD episode while they're still in the middle of it), then please, please, please, PLEASE -Watch me, and kindly escort yourself out the nearest door. Spare yourself--AND me--a lot of needless additional stress.
I'd like to think that overall, I have a lot more good days than bad, and the majority of my "episodes" are fairly short-lived things, and are related to pretty minor and unimportant things (like getting into a tizzy because I can't remember where I put my phone or something). But every once in awhile, a more serious outburst rears its ugly head, and I'd MUCH rather sit down and right about it than indulge in more dangerous and unhealthy ways of dealing with those emotions. I'm gonna be pretty zero-tolerance on the judgmental bullshit from here on out, on those kinds of journals. If you're someone I'm close to, and we have an understanding on how we communicate, you guys don't really hafta worry. When someone I know and care about gives some tough love because I'm getting outta line, that's very different. But if someone complete stranger tries to get all holier-than-thou and try to preach to me about how I should or shouldn't act, all while not knowing or understanding a SINGLE thing about me...? I'm sorry, but I -am- going to hide that comment. Persistence is gonna result in a block. I write those sorts of journals to get my inner demons OUT. Not so that random jerkoffs can give me a fresh batch by giving me a hard time and making me even MORE agitated.
Why not just delete the journals later, you ask? Simple. I don't believe in that kind of cover-up. I believe strongly in accountability. Even when I'm wrong. Even when I fuck up. Nothing just "disappears" just because I don't like it or am ashamed of what I said/did. I want to be able to look back, years later, and remember how i used to think and behave--to compare the good AND the bad. So in short, journals of mine don't disappear unless an admin removes them (which in my less-than-stellar past, HAS happened >_<).
Hope that's cleared up any issues, and with any luck, we'll avoid further unpleasantness in the future. To those who stick by me, even when I act like a looney shit ... love you guys with all my everything .*huge hugs* To the "computer chair psychologists" and other general know-it-alls who may, in the future, cause shit regardless of this journal's existance ... you were warned! =P
Life Really Enjoys Kicking Me In The Dick Sometimes...
Posted 12 years ago[[I never do this, but ... for the sake of not hurting more people than I already have, I'm editing this journal, and hiding a lot of damaging comments. Despite this, please remember that I'm a despicable monster who is not above attacking people for who and what they are, just because I'm angry. Because of that, you should do your absolute best to hate, criticize, attack, and shun me at EVERY available opportunity. Don't you DARE think I'm trying to hide how awful I am. I'm just trying to lessen the damage others have to endure by reading my insensitive nonsense. I'm still the WORST possible living creature you could ever has the misfortune of dealing with, and you BETTER not forget that. If you don't treat me like garbage, even after knowing how horrid I am, you're an IDIOT. Pure and simple.]]
These last few months have NOT been good ones ... as some of you know, 2 months ago I had Shingles (one of the WORST experiences on my life--it takes a close second to my ball bladder surgery). But then this Saturday ... *sigh* Pookin was in a bad accident while driving home from an arcade on his birthday. He walked away from it with relatively minor injuries (he still needs to get checked by a doctor ASAP to make 100% sure there was no severe damage), but my car, Duke...
...I just got the news today that it would cost more to fix him than it would to replace him. I'm ... heart-broken, really. He was going to be my first car. I'd already taken several driving lessons in him, and was planning on working towards my driver's license after finishing my schooling ... and now that's never going to happen. So many memories with that car. He was the first car I ever had a genuine emotional attachment to. To know I'll never ride in him again, nor someday drive him for myself ... it hurts bad. VERY bad.
A part of me desperately wants to hunt down the irresponsible fuck who blew through a red light and hit him. To just beat him within an inch of his life and then wreck some of HIS beloved property, so he can see how it feels. Take away something that HE loves ... But I know I'll never get that chance. I just feel so ... wronged. Victimized. It feels no different than if someone had walked right up to Pookin beat him up, and then proceeded to smash up Duke with a crowbar. It feels like an assault on two things I love, and there's not a damn thing I can do to even the score or get any kind of closure or retribution. It makes me feel sick ... and helpless.
As much as my heart is breaking over the loss of Duke, I'm so, so, SO grateful I didn't lose Pookin, too. I ... I don't know what I would have done with the rest of my life if anything had happened to him. I can't even say for sure whether or not I could go on. He's my everything. I have no world without him in it...
*sigh* For now, we're getting a rental car today, until we're able to buy a new car between what insurance gives us and what the family can supply. My mom did some searching online today and found other PT Cruisers from around the same year as Duke for around $7000ish, so ... there's some mild hope, at least, of getting a similar car.
But there's never going to be another car quite like Duke ... I'm gonna miss him like hell...
These last few months have NOT been good ones ... as some of you know, 2 months ago I had Shingles (one of the WORST experiences on my life--it takes a close second to my ball bladder surgery). But then this Saturday ... *sigh* Pookin was in a bad accident while driving home from an arcade on his birthday. He walked away from it with relatively minor injuries (he still needs to get checked by a doctor ASAP to make 100% sure there was no severe damage), but my car, Duke...
...I just got the news today that it would cost more to fix him than it would to replace him. I'm ... heart-broken, really. He was going to be my first car. I'd already taken several driving lessons in him, and was planning on working towards my driver's license after finishing my schooling ... and now that's never going to happen. So many memories with that car. He was the first car I ever had a genuine emotional attachment to. To know I'll never ride in him again, nor someday drive him for myself ... it hurts bad. VERY bad.
A part of me desperately wants to hunt down the irresponsible fuck who blew through a red light and hit him. To just beat him within an inch of his life and then wreck some of HIS beloved property, so he can see how it feels. Take away something that HE loves ... But I know I'll never get that chance. I just feel so ... wronged. Victimized. It feels no different than if someone had walked right up to Pookin beat him up, and then proceeded to smash up Duke with a crowbar. It feels like an assault on two things I love, and there's not a damn thing I can do to even the score or get any kind of closure or retribution. It makes me feel sick ... and helpless.
As much as my heart is breaking over the loss of Duke, I'm so, so, SO grateful I didn't lose Pookin, too. I ... I don't know what I would have done with the rest of my life if anything had happened to him. I can't even say for sure whether or not I could go on. He's my everything. I have no world without him in it...
*sigh* For now, we're getting a rental car today, until we're able to buy a new car between what insurance gives us and what the family can supply. My mom did some searching online today and found other PT Cruisers from around the same year as Duke for around $7000ish, so ... there's some mild hope, at least, of getting a similar car.
But there's never going to be another car quite like Duke ... I'm gonna miss him like hell...
And Now For Something Completely Different... (Meme)
Posted 12 years agoFor the sake of getting emo bullshit off my journal ... have a random meme:
1. Had sex? Yep
2. Bought Condoms? Yep
3. Gotten somebody Pregnant? Not possible. XD
4. Failed A Class? Yeah
5. Kissed A Boy? Yep
6. Kissed A Girl? Yep
7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch? YNope
8. Had A Job? Yaw
9. Slipped On Ice? Naw
10. Missed The School Bus? Nu
11. Fucked a girl? Yep
12. Bullied Someone On The Internet? Sadly yeah >_<
13. Sexted? Ohhhhhyes >_>
14. Sex In Public? Yep!
15. Played On A Sports Team? Nope
16. Smoked Weed? Nuuuuu
17. Smoked Cigarettes? Nuuuuuuuu
18. Smoked A Cigar? ....Yeah >_>
19. Drank Alcohol? Yeah
20. Watched porn? Yeeeeeeeah
21. Skipped class? Yeah
22. Gotten Arrested? Nope
23. Done meth? Heeeeeel naw
24. Been To A Wedding? Yes
25. Fell in love with a best friend? Yes indeedy =3
26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? OH yeah <_<;;
27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight? Thankfully no @_@
28. Been Late For Work? Yeah
29. Been Late For School? Definitely
30. Kissed In The Rain? Yep
31. Showered With Someone Else? Yep
32. Failed My Drivers Test? Nope
33. Cheated on an ex? Nope
34. Been Outside My Home Country? Not yet!
35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours? Yep
36. Had Lice? Nuuuuuuu
37. Gotten My Heart Broken? Yeah...
38. Had A Credit Card? Nawp
39. Been To A Professional Sports Game? Yarr
40. Broken A Bone? Yep
41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian? Bi
42. Won A Trophy? Yep-yep
43. Cut Myself Unintentionally? Yeah
44. Had An STD? HELL no
45. Got Engaged? Still am ^.^
46. Done ecstasy? Nope!
47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show? Nah
48. Rode In A Taxi? No
49. Been To Prom? Nope
50. Played A Drinking Game? Yeeeeeeeah
51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More? Sadly yeah >_<
52. Been To A Concert? Yep!
53. Had A Three-Some? Nah
54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex? Yesh
55. Been In A Car Accident? Yeah
56. Had Braces? Naw
57. Learned Another Language? Yep
58. Killed An Animal? Yeah... =<
59. Been At A Yard Sale? Who -hasn't-? XD
60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse? Nope
61. Wore Make Up? Yep
62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam? Yeah
63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16? <_< ... >_> ... *sloooowly raises hand*
64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out? Ohhhhh yeah
65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself? Yep
66. Snuck Out Of The House? Yep
67. Bought Porn? Yep!
68. Had A Virus On My Computer? Yeah
69. Had Oral Sex? Yep
70. Dyed My Hair? Once!
71. Gone Skinny Dipping? Yep
72. Graduated From College? Nope
73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes? Yep
74. Voted In A Presidential Election? Yep
75. Rode In An Ambulance? Yeah
76. Rode In A Helicopter? Nope
77. Caught The Stove On Fire? ...Yeah >_>;;
78. Got In A Verbal Fight? Yeah
79. Met Someone Famous? OH Yes
80. Been On Vacation? Yep
82. Been On A Boat? Yep
81. Been On An Airplane? Yep!
83. Broken Something Expensive? Thankfully no @_@
84. Had Surgery? Yeah
85. Beat A Video Game? Yep!
86. Found Something Valuable On The Ground? Yep
87. Made A Survey? Yep
88. Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Yeah
89. Prank Called Someone? Yep
90. Been To A Library Outside Of School? Yep
91. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day? Yyyyyep
92. Cut My Hair And Hated It? Yep
93. Peed Outside? Nope
94. Went Fishing? Yep
95. Helped With Charity? Yeah
96. Taken A Pregnancy Test? Nope
97. Been Rejected By A Crush? Yeah...
98. Been Suspended From School? Nope
99. Broken a mirror? Nope
100. Thrown up on someone? Eww no
101. Lied to your parents? Yeah...
If ya wanna take a stab at it, too, go for it. The only three rules are "honest answers only", "must answer every question", and "no detailed answers". Haaaaaave fun! XD
1. Had sex? Yep
2. Bought Condoms? Yep
3. Gotten somebody Pregnant? Not possible. XD
4. Failed A Class? Yeah
5. Kissed A Boy? Yep
6. Kissed A Girl? Yep
7. Used A Little Paper Bag for Lunch? YNope
8. Had A Job? Yaw
9. Slipped On Ice? Naw
10. Missed The School Bus? Nu
11. Fucked a girl? Yep
12. Bullied Someone On The Internet? Sadly yeah >_<
13. Sexted? Ohhhhhyes >_>
14. Sex In Public? Yep!
15. Played On A Sports Team? Nope
16. Smoked Weed? Nuuuuu
17. Smoked Cigarettes? Nuuuuuuuu
18. Smoked A Cigar? ....Yeah >_>
19. Drank Alcohol? Yeah
20. Watched porn? Yeeeeeeeah
21. Skipped class? Yeah
22. Gotten Arrested? Nope
23. Done meth? Heeeeeel naw
24. Been To A Wedding? Yes
25. Fell in love with a best friend? Yes indeedy =3
26. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight? OH yeah <_<;;
27. Watched TV For 5 Hours Straight? Thankfully no @_@
28. Been Late For Work? Yeah
29. Been Late For School? Definitely
30. Kissed In The Rain? Yep
31. Showered With Someone Else? Yep
32. Failed My Drivers Test? Nope
33. Cheated on an ex? Nope
34. Been Outside My Home Country? Not yet!
35. Been On A Road Trip Longer Than 5 Hours? Yep
36. Had Lice? Nuuuuuuu
37. Gotten My Heart Broken? Yeah...
38. Had A Credit Card? Nawp
39. Been To A Professional Sports Game? Yarr
40. Broken A Bone? Yep
41. Am I BI/Gay/Lesbian? Bi
42. Won A Trophy? Yep-yep
43. Cut Myself Unintentionally? Yeah
44. Had An STD? HELL no
45. Got Engaged? Still am ^.^
46. Done ecstasy? Nope!
47. Tried Out To Be On A TV Show? Nah
48. Rode In A Taxi? No
49. Been To Prom? Nope
50. Played A Drinking Game? Yeeeeeeeah
51. Stayed Up For 24 Hours Or More? Sadly yeah >_<
52. Been To A Concert? Yep!
53. Had A Three-Some? Nah
54. Had A Crush On Someone Of The Same Sex? Yesh
55. Been In A Car Accident? Yeah
56. Had Braces? Naw
57. Learned Another Language? Yep
58. Killed An Animal? Yeah... =<
59. Been At A Yard Sale? Who -hasn't-? XD
60. Been To A Japanese Steakhouse? Nope
61. Wore Make Up? Yep
62. Talked To Someone Via Webcam? Yeah
63. Lost My Virginity Before I Was 16? <_< ... >_> ... *sloooowly raises hand*
64. Had My Wisdom Teeth Taken Out? Ohhhhh yeah
65. Kissed Someone A Different Race Than Myself? Yep
66. Snuck Out Of The House? Yep
67. Bought Porn? Yep!
68. Had A Virus On My Computer? Yeah
69. Had Oral Sex? Yep
70. Dyed My Hair? Once!
71. Gone Skinny Dipping? Yep
72. Graduated From College? Nope
73. Wore Someone Else’s Clothes? Yep
74. Voted In A Presidential Election? Yep
75. Rode In An Ambulance? Yeah
76. Rode In A Helicopter? Nope
77. Caught The Stove On Fire? ...Yeah >_>;;
78. Got In A Verbal Fight? Yeah
79. Met Someone Famous? OH Yes
80. Been On Vacation? Yep
82. Been On A Boat? Yep
81. Been On An Airplane? Yep!
83. Broken Something Expensive? Thankfully no @_@
84. Had Surgery? Yeah
85. Beat A Video Game? Yep!
86. Found Something Valuable On The Ground? Yep
87. Made A Survey? Yep
88. Stalked Someone On A Social Network? Yeah
89. Prank Called Someone? Yep
90. Been To A Library Outside Of School? Yep
91. Spent Over $100 Shopping In One Day? Yyyyyep
92. Cut My Hair And Hated It? Yep
93. Peed Outside? Nope
94. Went Fishing? Yep
95. Helped With Charity? Yeah
96. Taken A Pregnancy Test? Nope
97. Been Rejected By A Crush? Yeah...
98. Been Suspended From School? Nope
99. Broken a mirror? Nope
100. Thrown up on someone? Eww no
101. Lied to your parents? Yeah...
If ya wanna take a stab at it, too, go for it. The only three rules are "honest answers only", "must answer every question", and "no detailed answers". Haaaaaave fun! XD
Discouraged...
Posted 12 years agoThat feeling when you're fed up with something and want to quit, but hate yourself for feeling that way. Yup. Pretty much me right now.
Full of some pretty bad feels right now and anyone who I could possibly talk to is offline or asleep, so ... have a random nonsensical journal about it. You're welcome. >_<;;
Full of some pretty bad feels right now and anyone who I could possibly talk to is offline or asleep, so ... have a random nonsensical journal about it. You're welcome. >_<;;
Life Update (Aka, "Let's Bump Down The Last Journal")
Posted 12 years agoFigured I may as well update folks on what's been up with me lately, as far as life stuff goes, especially since a portion of it explains why I've not been terribly active on this site lately. XD
Well, for starters, thanks to a VERY special and amazing friend of mine, I've finally been able to begin production on my Syn partial suit, which I'm HOPING will be ready to debut before the end of the year, if all goes well (I'm REALLY gonna be taking my time with this, it being my first "official" suit project, so I wanna make sure it comes out right) Sometime later within the next week or two, once I'm able to get a bit more work done on it (I REALLY don't feel like I have all that much accomplished to be worth showing off yet XD), I'll be posting up some WIP pics here for y'all to see. I'm pretty excited about it, to say the least. =3
Secondly, I've become a temporary foster parent to a 3-and-a-half week old kitten (expect a photo spam in my gallery shortly after this journal goes up, LOL) for the past week and a half, after one of my grandmother's cats gave birth to a litter of 6. The poor lil' lady literally ran out of milk to offer the poor little guy, and being the runt, was completely incapable of competing with his larger and more-developed siblings for access to a full teat, so ... he was starting to weaken. Determined not to lose the lil' guy, me, my mom, and my grandma decided to intervene and take on the role of surrogate mothers. We have a special "rotation" going on, in which my mom does all the feeding shifts throughout the day on the days she doesn't have work, he gets dropped off at my grandma's house on the days that she DOES work and then my mom picks him up again on her way HOME from work ... which then leaves me to handle the entire night shift from midnight til somewhere between 5-6am (depending on the exact timing between each feeding, it fluctuates slightly), after which I catch up on my sleep while the others handle the day shift.
It's been pretty rigorous work for all of us, since for the time being, he eats every 2 hours (he's basically a "premie", as far as runts go, so he's been having a bit of a hard time putting on some baby fat, despite the insane amount of playful energy he has). His other 5 siblings still living with my grandma have all finally begun eating canned food along with still occasionally suckling from their mom, so we're hoping that by the end of the week, this lil' guy will be in a similar situation. At which point he'll be a lot more independent than he is now (well, about as "independent" as a kitten his age can be really, LOL).
When we first got him, he nicknamed him "Champ", as sort of a way to give him good karma and a fighting spirit to bounce back from his weakened condition. Now, he's been named "Sampson" by my aunt/godmother (who will be adopting him, once he's a little older), so we just call him "Sammy". X3 Despite all the work, and the crazy amounts of stress during that first weak while I was panicking over his condition (considering how the past 2 infant kittens we attempted to nurse back to health both lost their battles for, I was EXTREMELY paranoid about losing another baby >_<;;) ... the more time I spend with him, the happier I become. He's been an AMAZING little "therapy cat", helping me get out of the bad funks I've been in recently with his adorable little antics and his sweet and loving personality. He's sharp as a tack, cute as a button, and sweet as sugar. A very, VERY welcomed diversion from all my recent "blah-ness", due to life stuff stressing me out. It's pretty hard to stay bummed when a tiny lil' kitty-cat is batting playfully at your nose with a paw the size of a soda can tab, those big shiny blue eyes lookin' up at you with that goofy look on his face, LOL.
So, for now, that's pretty much it. I promise that EVENTUALLY you'll start seeing art from me again, don't worry. XD I've got a couple of nearly-complete pieces that I still need to finish up and submit, and a couple other pieces still on the "que" I've got lined up, so rest assured ... there WILL be art!
For now, I've got another 15 minutes til Sammy's last feeding during my shift, so off I go to submit some photos of him before I gotta check up on the lil' guy. ^.^;;
Well, for starters, thanks to a VERY special and amazing friend of mine, I've finally been able to begin production on my Syn partial suit, which I'm HOPING will be ready to debut before the end of the year, if all goes well (I'm REALLY gonna be taking my time with this, it being my first "official" suit project, so I wanna make sure it comes out right) Sometime later within the next week or two, once I'm able to get a bit more work done on it (I REALLY don't feel like I have all that much accomplished to be worth showing off yet XD), I'll be posting up some WIP pics here for y'all to see. I'm pretty excited about it, to say the least. =3
Secondly, I've become a temporary foster parent to a 3-and-a-half week old kitten (expect a photo spam in my gallery shortly after this journal goes up, LOL) for the past week and a half, after one of my grandmother's cats gave birth to a litter of 6. The poor lil' lady literally ran out of milk to offer the poor little guy, and being the runt, was completely incapable of competing with his larger and more-developed siblings for access to a full teat, so ... he was starting to weaken. Determined not to lose the lil' guy, me, my mom, and my grandma decided to intervene and take on the role of surrogate mothers. We have a special "rotation" going on, in which my mom does all the feeding shifts throughout the day on the days she doesn't have work, he gets dropped off at my grandma's house on the days that she DOES work and then my mom picks him up again on her way HOME from work ... which then leaves me to handle the entire night shift from midnight til somewhere between 5-6am (depending on the exact timing between each feeding, it fluctuates slightly), after which I catch up on my sleep while the others handle the day shift.
It's been pretty rigorous work for all of us, since for the time being, he eats every 2 hours (he's basically a "premie", as far as runts go, so he's been having a bit of a hard time putting on some baby fat, despite the insane amount of playful energy he has). His other 5 siblings still living with my grandma have all finally begun eating canned food along with still occasionally suckling from their mom, so we're hoping that by the end of the week, this lil' guy will be in a similar situation. At which point he'll be a lot more independent than he is now (well, about as "independent" as a kitten his age can be really, LOL).
When we first got him, he nicknamed him "Champ", as sort of a way to give him good karma and a fighting spirit to bounce back from his weakened condition. Now, he's been named "Sampson" by my aunt/godmother (who will be adopting him, once he's a little older), so we just call him "Sammy". X3 Despite all the work, and the crazy amounts of stress during that first weak while I was panicking over his condition (considering how the past 2 infant kittens we attempted to nurse back to health both lost their battles for, I was EXTREMELY paranoid about losing another baby >_<;;) ... the more time I spend with him, the happier I become. He's been an AMAZING little "therapy cat", helping me get out of the bad funks I've been in recently with his adorable little antics and his sweet and loving personality. He's sharp as a tack, cute as a button, and sweet as sugar. A very, VERY welcomed diversion from all my recent "blah-ness", due to life stuff stressing me out. It's pretty hard to stay bummed when a tiny lil' kitty-cat is batting playfully at your nose with a paw the size of a soda can tab, those big shiny blue eyes lookin' up at you with that goofy look on his face, LOL.
So, for now, that's pretty much it. I promise that EVENTUALLY you'll start seeing art from me again, don't worry. XD I've got a couple of nearly-complete pieces that I still need to finish up and submit, and a couple other pieces still on the "que" I've got lined up, so rest assured ... there WILL be art!
For now, I've got another 15 minutes til Sammy's last feeding during my shift, so off I go to submit some photos of him before I gotta check up on the lil' guy. ^.^;;
Having A Major BPD Moment Tonight >_<;;
Posted 12 years agoIrrational ragefit due to my net being a colossal grade-A assfluttering cocktwat tonight, and making WoW lag to the point of being COMPLETELY unplayable. Had VERY specific plans for what I wanted to do in-game tonight, was looking forward to it ALL day (was literally out and about almost the entire day, so this was all I was looking forward to once i got home), and now the powers that be are all like, "Nope, fuck you, Syn. Go eat a dick."
I know this is an illogical thing to be so seethingly furiously pissed about, but I -knowingly- don't give a single fuck right now how stupid I'm acting. I'm pissed. I'm just plain, fucking pissed, simple as that. I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow, but right now, I very badly want to throw things. I'm THAT fed up. >_<;;;;;
I'm sorry for making one of THOSE kind of psycho journals, but ... if I don't let the fury out SOMEHOW, I'm going to make myself physically ill. T_T Please feel free to ignore me right now, I'm just in anger-vomit mode right now. Not fishing for asspats.
I know this is an illogical thing to be so seethingly furiously pissed about, but I -knowingly- don't give a single fuck right now how stupid I'm acting. I'm pissed. I'm just plain, fucking pissed, simple as that. I'm sure I'll be over it by tomorrow, but right now, I very badly want to throw things. I'm THAT fed up. >_<;;;;;
I'm sorry for making one of THOSE kind of psycho journals, but ... if I don't let the fury out SOMEHOW, I'm going to make myself physically ill. T_T Please feel free to ignore me right now, I'm just in anger-vomit mode right now. Not fishing for asspats.
One Too Many Times
Posted 12 years agoY'know that feeling when someone wounds you over and over and over, repeating the same callous mistake(s) again and again and again ... until you finally reach a point where even if they were to apologize (and ACTUALLY amend their behavior) ... you know that somewhere deep down, there's no way of repairing that friendship? That the damage is already done? That from that point onward, there's an emotional chasm that can never again be closed?
Finally hit that point tonight. The worst part is that it happened with someone I -really- thought was a true close friend, but ... true friends don't selfishly dump on people they CLAIM to care about like this, repeatedly. And there's just so many times that trust can be broken, before the damage is irreversible. Twice, now, within a 2 week span, I've had a complete emotional breakdown on the way home from what's supposed to be a pleasant hangout. For weeks ... months ... I've stomached a -lot- of pretty venomous bullshit. I've smothered a LOT of hurt indignant anger. I've bitten my tongue with a LOT of things I've wanted to say.
Little by little I've reached my breaking point. The first time was last week, the first time I finally fell apart. And then I allowed others to convince me that there was perhaps still a chance for things to be set right. Tonight proved to me that this is never going to be true, and I just can't take it anymore. It's BEYOND unfair for this person to keep treating me like this, for NO reason other than the selfish egotistical need to ALWAYS be right--and to hell how anyone else might feel due to their attitude. It feels like a slap in the face every time it happens, and now ... now I'm just done. BEYOND done. I've taken all I can handle of this crap.
It's not even that I hate them ... I just don't trust them anymore. Pure and simple. Maybe someday the resentment will ebb away enough to at least upgrade up to an acquaintance, but ... that's the best it can ever really become again, after everything that's happened. It's never going to be again the way it was before. Too much has been said and done for things to ever again be as they were. It sucks hard, but ... we do what we must to protect ourselves. A friendship without respect on a fundamental level ... isn't a friendship at all. And if this is how they're going to treat me from this point onward ... then it's a "friendship" I can very much do without.
Sorry for the rant after such a long time of being non-existent on here, but ... I needed to clear the air, with as broken-down as I am about all this. Especially since the offending party is also a furry. >_< I promise I'll -try- and come back with something more positive next time. I'm not always such a wet blanket, I swear. ;_;
Finally hit that point tonight. The worst part is that it happened with someone I -really- thought was a true close friend, but ... true friends don't selfishly dump on people they CLAIM to care about like this, repeatedly. And there's just so many times that trust can be broken, before the damage is irreversible. Twice, now, within a 2 week span, I've had a complete emotional breakdown on the way home from what's supposed to be a pleasant hangout. For weeks ... months ... I've stomached a -lot- of pretty venomous bullshit. I've smothered a LOT of hurt indignant anger. I've bitten my tongue with a LOT of things I've wanted to say.
Little by little I've reached my breaking point. The first time was last week, the first time I finally fell apart. And then I allowed others to convince me that there was perhaps still a chance for things to be set right. Tonight proved to me that this is never going to be true, and I just can't take it anymore. It's BEYOND unfair for this person to keep treating me like this, for NO reason other than the selfish egotistical need to ALWAYS be right--and to hell how anyone else might feel due to their attitude. It feels like a slap in the face every time it happens, and now ... now I'm just done. BEYOND done. I've taken all I can handle of this crap.
It's not even that I hate them ... I just don't trust them anymore. Pure and simple. Maybe someday the resentment will ebb away enough to at least upgrade up to an acquaintance, but ... that's the best it can ever really become again, after everything that's happened. It's never going to be again the way it was before. Too much has been said and done for things to ever again be as they were. It sucks hard, but ... we do what we must to protect ourselves. A friendship without respect on a fundamental level ... isn't a friendship at all. And if this is how they're going to treat me from this point onward ... then it's a "friendship" I can very much do without.
Sorry for the rant after such a long time of being non-existent on here, but ... I needed to clear the air, with as broken-down as I am about all this. Especially since the offending party is also a furry. >_< I promise I'll -try- and come back with something more positive next time. I'm not always such a wet blanket, I swear. ;_;
To All Boston And Massachusetts Furs...
Posted 12 years agoIf you guys could, like ... sound off in here and let me know you're okay ... I'd appreciate it. We're lost so many furs to tragic accidents, it'd be horrible to lose even more to this horrible occurrence in Boston. >_<
For those who don't know what happened (if you can't stand the sight of blood ... no NOT click this link):
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/.....egation_id=288381481237582
Those needing to see more scenes from "ground zero", all you need to do is do a Google search for "Boston Marathon Explosion". So much sadness, despair, wounded people, and terrible destruction ... it's the sort of thing that somehow makes you lose and gain faith in humanity all at the same time. You lament in the horror of the type of black soul that could knowingly and willingly plan something like this and actually DO it ... while at the same time, you can't help by be moved at the sheer compassion and bravery of those who rushed to help one another in the midst of such a terrible crisis.
To all those who were affected by this, furry or not ... I wish you only the best, as you heal past this horrific tragedy. =<
For those who don't know what happened (if you can't stand the sight of blood ... no NOT click this link):
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/.....egation_id=288
Those needing to see more scenes from "ground zero", all you need to do is do a Google search for "Boston Marathon Explosion". So much sadness, despair, wounded people, and terrible destruction ... it's the sort of thing that somehow makes you lose and gain faith in humanity all at the same time. You lament in the horror of the type of black soul that could knowingly and willingly plan something like this and actually DO it ... while at the same time, you can't help by be moved at the sheer compassion and bravery of those who rushed to help one another in the midst of such a terrible crisis.
To all those who were affected by this, furry or not ... I wish you only the best, as you heal past this horrific tragedy. =<
Back-ish, Much Earlier Than Expected
Posted 12 years agoYeah, I'm here-ish again. Basically, my original "withdrawl plan" somewhat failed, as my intent was to pull back from online socialization and replace it, instead, with more real-world socialization ... but I find myself increasingly "raw", emotionally, which makes it just too difficult for me to be overtly social for prolonged periods of time, and/or in frequent bouts of activity. This, in turn, was creating a very large ... let's call it a "vacuum" ... in which there was no social, mental, or emotional stimulus in my life, which only serves to make me worse, instead of better. Today was one of the worse days I'd had in a long, long, LONG time, in regards to my emotional/psychological health. =/
So to that end, I'm "returning", albeit selectively. I'm going to go to great lengths from here on out to greatly minimize my exposure and involvement in any sort of online drama, as I'm in ABSOLUTELY no condition to be able to handle it in any way, shape, or form. Maybe someday when I get a better grip on what I'm ... dealing with ... I can start trying to contribute to those sorts of things in a meaningful positive/constructive way, but for right now, that's just not going to be possible. So instead, I'm just going to keep my online involvements as positive and laid-back as possible, to better facilitate my recovery, rather than hinder it.
That being said, I have some things I need to get out into the open, for various reasons. The most important of which is bringing myself some measure of peace by "laying all my cards out on the table", as the saying goes. Beyond that, I also want to bring awareness to others struggling with a similar condition, as well as bring clarity and understanding for those who care for and worry about me. You have a right to know...
I don't think it's common knowledge among the fandom and my watchers (as I've literally only ever mentioned it in ONE journal, in regards to an incident on FA 2 years ago), but I have Borderline Personality Disorder. For those who are unfamiliar with this condition, I've included the following video (it's lengthy, but WELL worth watching):
http://youtu.be/967Ckat7f98
For those either unable to or unwilling to sit through the entire 48-minute documentary, I'll summarize as best I can. BPD is, essentially, a psychological condition that greatly skews an individual's reactions to situations and emotions, making them much more prone to bouts of rage and depression as a result. It makes extreme overreactions, literally, a knee-jerk reaction. In addition, it makes it extremely difficult for BPD sufferers to "let go" of negative emotions, once something has "set them off". In a nutshell ... it makes living a normal functional life EXTREMELY difficult without a great deal of training (and unfortunately for some, no amount of therapy will ever suffice, leaving medication as the only remaining option). And even then ... there are limitations.
I can't do a frequent amount of real-world socialization, for prolonged periods of time, for example. It just becomes too overwhelming for me after awhile, because I have to stay in a very ... inwardly-focused frame of mind, in order to keep myself in check, so that I don't take something the wrong way and get overly-emotional about it (which would just serve to embarrass myself and ruin an otherwise-nice time). It's like clenching a muscle for hours and hours. Eventually, it just becomes too physically and emotionally exhausting to keep up, so it isn't something I can really keep up for a very long time. THAT'S the reason why I turn down a lot of hang-outs, and don't plan a whole lot of social events on a particularly regular basis. I just ... can't always handle it, or mentally bulk myself up for it. As much as I enjoy the social aspect and spending time with my buds, I just can't muster up the fortitude sometimes to keep myself in line. It's not a lack of enjoyment for social situations as much as it is an inability to psychologically handle it. But beyond that, and my occasional bouts of nasty temper that sometimes lash out, I'm really not that much different than anyone else.
I didn't come to realize that I had BPD until years of being falsely diagnosed with Clinical Depression, after a great deal of extensive research on my mother's part, and it was ... equal parts freeing and humbling. It was the biggest "aha" moment of my entire life. It put everything ... EVERYTHING into perspective. For me, my "trigger" was the constant bullying in school for years and years and years that finally just whittled me down as raw as I could possibly be, the callouses that grew over that made of a great deal of aggression and anger. Now, it's important to clarify that outside sources in one's life don't just "give" people BPD. It's a chemical imbalance of the brain that's always there, laying dormant until something "awakens" it. It's different for each individual, obviously. Sometimes it's not even one specific thing that sets it off, but rather a myriad of smaller things that all culminate into one final trigger that sets it all in motion. But once it comes, it sucks all the color out from your world like little else can. It's easy to see, now, how it can be confused with depression, because there are a LOT of parallels between them. We're always equal parts emotionally numb and easily-riled. We're quick to cling to people and things that bring us any sort of comfort or a feeling of safety, and our moods are often a flurry of extremes. We love as strongly and intensely as we hate. We require near-constant distraction, of -some- kind. Reading, drawing, watching something, fixing something, problem-solving ... -anything- at all. Our mind has to constantly be engaged by and focused upon -something-, because when it isn't ... that's when the self-deprecating thoughts start to creep back in, which makes it all too easy to obsess over all the over-critical emotions we have towards ourselves. Self-loathing comes as easily to us as breathing, and many are often chronically suicidal (as was I, at my lowest point). We're also very easily prone to self-harming, as a coping mechanism for emotions that are just too overwhelming to handle. It's akin to releasing a pressure valve, or redirecting an electrical current to lessen the intensity of the charge. For us, it becomes a necessary outlet to keep us sane, in a roiling sea of chaotic emotions and thoughts. My right arm looks the way it does for a reason ... Every scar is a testament to how bad it can truly get for a BPD sufferer, when left unchecked.
I refused to live this way, in such a maddening state of perpetual chaos. I went on an intensive search for interviews, blogs, journals ... anything and everything I could get my hands on that was written from the perspective of other BPD sufferers. The exact details varied slightly from person to person, but at its core ... it was like hearing my entire life spoken from the mouths of dozens upon dozens of complete strangers. It was like rediscovering myself all over again from then on. replacing everything I had learned about depression and applying my efforts, instead, towards the critical endeavor of understanding BPD inside and out. What it was, what could trigger it, and how others before me had defeated it. I fought it tooth and nail, tirelessly trained myself to watch for ANY sign of an irrational reaction, and learned coping mechanisms for how to counteract such lash-outs when they tried to occur. And for a great many years, I had it pretty damn-well under control. I'd have my off days, sure .., but for the most part, I was functioning again. Normal. Whole. Better than I ever had been.
But for about the past year or so, on and off, I've been slowly unraveling again. I find myself increasingly sensitive to my own actions and the actions and words of those around me, to an extent that I hadn't for a VERY long time. That same dark horrible malaise has started looming over me again, like a storm cloud that just won't vanish off the distant horizon. Just ... there. Darkening everything to touches. Today, for example, I was just ... -so- tired. Utterly drained. I had to nap during the day, despite having slept more than enough the night before, and woke up just as tired as I had been before lying down. I had less than zero motivation to do ... ANYTHING (further compounded by the fact that my net has been giving me a lot of trouble the past 2-3 days). Just so far down I didn't know how the hell I was ever going to pick myself back up.
Mercifully, it finally slowly began to subside on its own, by some miracle, so I've at least had a -few- truly lucid hours today, at the very least. But I know, now, that if I quarantine myself, at such a critically fragile state in my life, I'm only going to make myself much, much, MUCH worse. So the plan, as it stands right now, is to try and keep myself PRODUCTIVELY busy IRL, even if more isolated than usual, while keeping all my online socialization as positive and constructive as possible, so that I can focus on remembering my training (and even start looking around online for techniques to reinforce it).
So ... long-ass rambling aside, I'm mostly back, as far as online goes. I might toss some venting stuff on here from time to time when things get particularly blah, but I'll try to keep the emo journals to an absolute minimum, and any "blah" submissions will go to Scraps instead of my main gallery. I don't want to clog it with icky stuff. =/
That all being said, hope none of this worries any of you guys too much out there, as that really isn't my intention. I'm going to kick this to the curb, I promise you. I did it once before, and you can sure as hell bet I'll do it again.
So to that end, I'm "returning", albeit selectively. I'm going to go to great lengths from here on out to greatly minimize my exposure and involvement in any sort of online drama, as I'm in ABSOLUTELY no condition to be able to handle it in any way, shape, or form. Maybe someday when I get a better grip on what I'm ... dealing with ... I can start trying to contribute to those sorts of things in a meaningful positive/constructive way, but for right now, that's just not going to be possible. So instead, I'm just going to keep my online involvements as positive and laid-back as possible, to better facilitate my recovery, rather than hinder it.
That being said, I have some things I need to get out into the open, for various reasons. The most important of which is bringing myself some measure of peace by "laying all my cards out on the table", as the saying goes. Beyond that, I also want to bring awareness to others struggling with a similar condition, as well as bring clarity and understanding for those who care for and worry about me. You have a right to know...
I don't think it's common knowledge among the fandom and my watchers (as I've literally only ever mentioned it in ONE journal, in regards to an incident on FA 2 years ago), but I have Borderline Personality Disorder. For those who are unfamiliar with this condition, I've included the following video (it's lengthy, but WELL worth watching):
http://youtu.be/967Ckat7f98
For those either unable to or unwilling to sit through the entire 48-minute documentary, I'll summarize as best I can. BPD is, essentially, a psychological condition that greatly skews an individual's reactions to situations and emotions, making them much more prone to bouts of rage and depression as a result. It makes extreme overreactions, literally, a knee-jerk reaction. In addition, it makes it extremely difficult for BPD sufferers to "let go" of negative emotions, once something has "set them off". In a nutshell ... it makes living a normal functional life EXTREMELY difficult without a great deal of training (and unfortunately for some, no amount of therapy will ever suffice, leaving medication as the only remaining option). And even then ... there are limitations.
I can't do a frequent amount of real-world socialization, for prolonged periods of time, for example. It just becomes too overwhelming for me after awhile, because I have to stay in a very ... inwardly-focused frame of mind, in order to keep myself in check, so that I don't take something the wrong way and get overly-emotional about it (which would just serve to embarrass myself and ruin an otherwise-nice time). It's like clenching a muscle for hours and hours. Eventually, it just becomes too physically and emotionally exhausting to keep up, so it isn't something I can really keep up for a very long time. THAT'S the reason why I turn down a lot of hang-outs, and don't plan a whole lot of social events on a particularly regular basis. I just ... can't always handle it, or mentally bulk myself up for it. As much as I enjoy the social aspect and spending time with my buds, I just can't muster up the fortitude sometimes to keep myself in line. It's not a lack of enjoyment for social situations as much as it is an inability to psychologically handle it. But beyond that, and my occasional bouts of nasty temper that sometimes lash out, I'm really not that much different than anyone else.
I didn't come to realize that I had BPD until years of being falsely diagnosed with Clinical Depression, after a great deal of extensive research on my mother's part, and it was ... equal parts freeing and humbling. It was the biggest "aha" moment of my entire life. It put everything ... EVERYTHING into perspective. For me, my "trigger" was the constant bullying in school for years and years and years that finally just whittled me down as raw as I could possibly be, the callouses that grew over that made of a great deal of aggression and anger. Now, it's important to clarify that outside sources in one's life don't just "give" people BPD. It's a chemical imbalance of the brain that's always there, laying dormant until something "awakens" it. It's different for each individual, obviously. Sometimes it's not even one specific thing that sets it off, but rather a myriad of smaller things that all culminate into one final trigger that sets it all in motion. But once it comes, it sucks all the color out from your world like little else can. It's easy to see, now, how it can be confused with depression, because there are a LOT of parallels between them. We're always equal parts emotionally numb and easily-riled. We're quick to cling to people and things that bring us any sort of comfort or a feeling of safety, and our moods are often a flurry of extremes. We love as strongly and intensely as we hate. We require near-constant distraction, of -some- kind. Reading, drawing, watching something, fixing something, problem-solving ... -anything- at all. Our mind has to constantly be engaged by and focused upon -something-, because when it isn't ... that's when the self-deprecating thoughts start to creep back in, which makes it all too easy to obsess over all the over-critical emotions we have towards ourselves. Self-loathing comes as easily to us as breathing, and many are often chronically suicidal (as was I, at my lowest point). We're also very easily prone to self-harming, as a coping mechanism for emotions that are just too overwhelming to handle. It's akin to releasing a pressure valve, or redirecting an electrical current to lessen the intensity of the charge. For us, it becomes a necessary outlet to keep us sane, in a roiling sea of chaotic emotions and thoughts. My right arm looks the way it does for a reason ... Every scar is a testament to how bad it can truly get for a BPD sufferer, when left unchecked.
I refused to live this way, in such a maddening state of perpetual chaos. I went on an intensive search for interviews, blogs, journals ... anything and everything I could get my hands on that was written from the perspective of other BPD sufferers. The exact details varied slightly from person to person, but at its core ... it was like hearing my entire life spoken from the mouths of dozens upon dozens of complete strangers. It was like rediscovering myself all over again from then on. replacing everything I had learned about depression and applying my efforts, instead, towards the critical endeavor of understanding BPD inside and out. What it was, what could trigger it, and how others before me had defeated it. I fought it tooth and nail, tirelessly trained myself to watch for ANY sign of an irrational reaction, and learned coping mechanisms for how to counteract such lash-outs when they tried to occur. And for a great many years, I had it pretty damn-well under control. I'd have my off days, sure .., but for the most part, I was functioning again. Normal. Whole. Better than I ever had been.
But for about the past year or so, on and off, I've been slowly unraveling again. I find myself increasingly sensitive to my own actions and the actions and words of those around me, to an extent that I hadn't for a VERY long time. That same dark horrible malaise has started looming over me again, like a storm cloud that just won't vanish off the distant horizon. Just ... there. Darkening everything to touches. Today, for example, I was just ... -so- tired. Utterly drained. I had to nap during the day, despite having slept more than enough the night before, and woke up just as tired as I had been before lying down. I had less than zero motivation to do ... ANYTHING (further compounded by the fact that my net has been giving me a lot of trouble the past 2-3 days). Just so far down I didn't know how the hell I was ever going to pick myself back up.
Mercifully, it finally slowly began to subside on its own, by some miracle, so I've at least had a -few- truly lucid hours today, at the very least. But I know, now, that if I quarantine myself, at such a critically fragile state in my life, I'm only going to make myself much, much, MUCH worse. So the plan, as it stands right now, is to try and keep myself PRODUCTIVELY busy IRL, even if more isolated than usual, while keeping all my online socialization as positive and constructive as possible, so that I can focus on remembering my training (and even start looking around online for techniques to reinforce it).
So ... long-ass rambling aside, I'm mostly back, as far as online goes. I might toss some venting stuff on here from time to time when things get particularly blah, but I'll try to keep the emo journals to an absolute minimum, and any "blah" submissions will go to Scraps instead of my main gallery. I don't want to clog it with icky stuff. =/
That all being said, hope none of this worries any of you guys too much out there, as that really isn't my intention. I'm going to kick this to the curb, I promise you. I did it once before, and you can sure as hell bet I'll do it again.
Stepping Back
Posted 12 years agoJust wanted to officially let everything know that starting today, I'll be pretty much silent within this fandom for the next month or two, and the only activity you'll really see from me on any of the sites I'm on is the faving of art (in an effort to focus on the good aspects of furry and not the negative), but that's really about it. No comments, no journals, no submissions ... a complete withdrawl until I'm in a healthier emotional and mental state.
I'll still respond to texts, emails, or IMs,I'll still be semi-active on Facebook, and I'll still be playing games like WoW, GW2, and DOTA2 in my spare time during this entire hiatus.
So ... see you all in 1-2 months. Hopefully I'll return as the saner, less-defunct Syn you all deserve to have around, instead of the piece of shit I've become lately. Be well, and much love.
I'll still respond to texts, emails, or IMs,I'll still be semi-active on Facebook, and I'll still be playing games like WoW, GW2, and DOTA2 in my spare time during this entire hiatus.
So ... see you all in 1-2 months. Hopefully I'll return as the saner, less-defunct Syn you all deserve to have around, instead of the piece of shit I've become lately. Be well, and much love.
Addendum: Contemplating My Future In This Fandom
Posted 12 years agoI know. I'm supposed to be leaving. But ... Got struck with a sudden REALLY overwhelming wave of despair/depression, with a lot of negative thoughts attached to it, so ... here we go.
Never thought I'd be the one to write up something like this, but ... I'm not sure if I can stay in the furry fandom. I ... I really don't know. I've had my doubts about sticking around before, and all the reasons why I shouldn't even bother, but something always talks me out of it, and the desire to leave passes, and that's that. But now ... I'm actually trying very, VERY hard to talk myself into -staying-.
It's not just the recent thing over on FD_2 and here. It's a lot of similar situations TO it ... but it's not just today.
I just ... I feel like ever since my sordid involvement with WYS, I've been ... marked. Like ever since then, ANY negative thing I say/do is going to be followed by "Oh, that's just more Syn bullshit, she's always like that, whatta dramawhore!". No matter how long i go without causing any waves, trying to keep my nose clean, trying to even do some GOOD in the fandom ,rather than bad ... all of that is hardly worth a passing glance. The only time I'm noticed at all is when I have an off day, or I'm going through something that makes me just a -touch- too sensitive ... then all of a sudden, it feels like all eyes are on me, followed by a plethora of "Oh, there she goes again! See? She always does that!" No matter HOW long I've been good ... it could be MONTHS at a time, where I not only stay out of trouble, but i eve try to HELP people, instead of just rant about something that pisses me off. Does anyone are about that? No. The ONLY time anyone even -remembers- I'm here is when I have a bad day. And then it feels like everyone thinks I'm ALWAYS like that. Like it's the ONLY thing I've ever been known for.
It makes me feel like, no matter what positive influence I could ever try and have on this fandom, unless I'm this perfect cheery ball of sunshine 24/7 ... I'm only ever going to be associated with bad things. That THAT is my only legacy. I just ... I don't know if I can handle having to stand up and defend myself from all the people going "you're always that way, you never change" whenever I have a bad mood and I accidentily put my food in my mouth. Sure, it doesn't happen all THAT often (thank god), but ... I think that's what makes it so demoralizing/discouraging. That no matter what ... so many people are ready and eager to think the worst of me. Like I'll always be that horrid beast from the days of WYS. It just feels so hopeless. Like I'm going to spend the rest of my days in this fandom fighting an impossible losing battle.
And I don't know if I have the emotional strength to keep fighting it, if this is how it's always going to be.
I'm hurting SO bad right now ... I had so many AMAZING things planned to do within this fandom this year ... things I've been dreaming about for YEARS that are now FINALLY possible for me, and now ... now I don't know where to go from here. If any of it will matter. Because in the end ... I don't think ANYTHING I could ever do will ever shake that old reputation. Unless I never have a single argument again (impossible) or never get angry again a single day in my life (also impossible), there's always going to be a BUNCH of people out there ready and waiting to use it as justification that I haven't changed at all.
I went through -literal- hell to live down the nightmare that was the days of WYS. Very few people know JUST how bad i struggled with that. Trying to reform myself. Distancing myself from poisonous people. Repairing so many burnt bridges. Taking -so- much hate and abuse by those who were convinced I'd always be the same old monster. But I took it. I took it all, because I convinced myself that when it was all said and done, I'd finally be back into a GOOD position within this fandom, and those dark days would just be another distant memory to learn from and grow past ... but I'm beginning to see that isn't the case. The person that I was in WYS is still a ghost that haunts me even to this day. I can't shake it...
I know that I'm really opinionated and loud-mouthed about things I'm passionate about, but ... I'm NOT the horrible beast so many people want to believe I am. When I see something wrong, I just ... i have to say something. Do something. I can't just idly stand by. And for awhile, I was being able to get involved and be proactive without being an abrasive bitch about it. I was happy. I was helping. I was doing GOOD, while still letting my voice be heard within the fandom. And I'd hoped that others were finally beginning to see that I'd changed for the better. But even at my best ... I still have my off days. I'm still recovering from a lot of deep-rooted psychological traumas. I try not to drag them up a lot, because i don't want to be a source of pity and revulsion, but I do still struggle from time to time. I have bad days. And sometimes on those bad days, my temper gets away with me and I mess up. And when that happens ... THAT'S the only time anyone ever speaks up about me. Not 'Wow, Syn handled that debate really well the other day!" or "Did you guys see that argument that Syn mediated between those two guys on FA? That was pretty cool." No. Nobody EVER says that. The only time my name is brought up and discussed is on those bad days. It's hard to take, after struggling so much to do things right. It's almost TOO much to take, after awhile. And today I finally cracked.
I just feel REALLY hopeless right now. I just don't see a way forward from here, and that leaves me ... REALLY crushed. Like I said, I had huge plans for this years. I was finally going to start making my first REAL personal suit. and see if i had what it takes to launch a suit-making business. I was finally going to start going to more local meets and cons, to be more proactive within the Florida furry community. And if things evolved from there, possibly even start attending out-of-state fur cons again, and branch out. But now ... now it feels hopeless. The only thoughts I keep having over and over again is "What would be the point?" "How will that REALLY change anything?"
So ... I'm welcome to any and all feedback at this point, because I feel like I'm dangling at the end of a very frayed rope...
Never thought I'd be the one to write up something like this, but ... I'm not sure if I can stay in the furry fandom. I ... I really don't know. I've had my doubts about sticking around before, and all the reasons why I shouldn't even bother, but something always talks me out of it, and the desire to leave passes, and that's that. But now ... I'm actually trying very, VERY hard to talk myself into -staying-.
It's not just the recent thing over on FD_2 and here. It's a lot of similar situations TO it ... but it's not just today.
I just ... I feel like ever since my sordid involvement with WYS, I've been ... marked. Like ever since then, ANY negative thing I say/do is going to be followed by "Oh, that's just more Syn bullshit, she's always like that, whatta dramawhore!". No matter how long i go without causing any waves, trying to keep my nose clean, trying to even do some GOOD in the fandom ,rather than bad ... all of that is hardly worth a passing glance. The only time I'm noticed at all is when I have an off day, or I'm going through something that makes me just a -touch- too sensitive ... then all of a sudden, it feels like all eyes are on me, followed by a plethora of "Oh, there she goes again! See? She always does that!" No matter HOW long I've been good ... it could be MONTHS at a time, where I not only stay out of trouble, but i eve try to HELP people, instead of just rant about something that pisses me off. Does anyone are about that? No. The ONLY time anyone even -remembers- I'm here is when I have a bad day. And then it feels like everyone thinks I'm ALWAYS like that. Like it's the ONLY thing I've ever been known for.
It makes me feel like, no matter what positive influence I could ever try and have on this fandom, unless I'm this perfect cheery ball of sunshine 24/7 ... I'm only ever going to be associated with bad things. That THAT is my only legacy. I just ... I don't know if I can handle having to stand up and defend myself from all the people going "you're always that way, you never change" whenever I have a bad mood and I accidentily put my food in my mouth. Sure, it doesn't happen all THAT often (thank god), but ... I think that's what makes it so demoralizing/discouraging. That no matter what ... so many people are ready and eager to think the worst of me. Like I'll always be that horrid beast from the days of WYS. It just feels so hopeless. Like I'm going to spend the rest of my days in this fandom fighting an impossible losing battle.
And I don't know if I have the emotional strength to keep fighting it, if this is how it's always going to be.
I'm hurting SO bad right now ... I had so many AMAZING things planned to do within this fandom this year ... things I've been dreaming about for YEARS that are now FINALLY possible for me, and now ... now I don't know where to go from here. If any of it will matter. Because in the end ... I don't think ANYTHING I could ever do will ever shake that old reputation. Unless I never have a single argument again (impossible) or never get angry again a single day in my life (also impossible), there's always going to be a BUNCH of people out there ready and waiting to use it as justification that I haven't changed at all.
I went through -literal- hell to live down the nightmare that was the days of WYS. Very few people know JUST how bad i struggled with that. Trying to reform myself. Distancing myself from poisonous people. Repairing so many burnt bridges. Taking -so- much hate and abuse by those who were convinced I'd always be the same old monster. But I took it. I took it all, because I convinced myself that when it was all said and done, I'd finally be back into a GOOD position within this fandom, and those dark days would just be another distant memory to learn from and grow past ... but I'm beginning to see that isn't the case. The person that I was in WYS is still a ghost that haunts me even to this day. I can't shake it...
I know that I'm really opinionated and loud-mouthed about things I'm passionate about, but ... I'm NOT the horrible beast so many people want to believe I am. When I see something wrong, I just ... i have to say something. Do something. I can't just idly stand by. And for awhile, I was being able to get involved and be proactive without being an abrasive bitch about it. I was happy. I was helping. I was doing GOOD, while still letting my voice be heard within the fandom. And I'd hoped that others were finally beginning to see that I'd changed for the better. But even at my best ... I still have my off days. I'm still recovering from a lot of deep-rooted psychological traumas. I try not to drag them up a lot, because i don't want to be a source of pity and revulsion, but I do still struggle from time to time. I have bad days. And sometimes on those bad days, my temper gets away with me and I mess up. And when that happens ... THAT'S the only time anyone ever speaks up about me. Not 'Wow, Syn handled that debate really well the other day!" or "Did you guys see that argument that Syn mediated between those two guys on FA? That was pretty cool." No. Nobody EVER says that. The only time my name is brought up and discussed is on those bad days. It's hard to take, after struggling so much to do things right. It's almost TOO much to take, after awhile. And today I finally cracked.
I just feel REALLY hopeless right now. I just don't see a way forward from here, and that leaves me ... REALLY crushed. Like I said, I had huge plans for this years. I was finally going to start making my first REAL personal suit. and see if i had what it takes to launch a suit-making business. I was finally going to start going to more local meets and cons, to be more proactive within the Florida furry community. And if things evolved from there, possibly even start attending out-of-state fur cons again, and branch out. But now ... now it feels hopeless. The only thoughts I keep having over and over again is "What would be the point?" "How will that REALLY change anything?"
So ... I'm welcome to any and all feedback at this point, because I feel like I'm dangling at the end of a very frayed rope...
Don't Expect To See Me Very Active For Awhile...
Posted 12 years agoI really don't want to get into too much specifics but ... I need to get some air. Some recent bouts of fandom-related drama have been getting WAY more under my skin than they normally would, and I need to step back, before I turn into a raging lunatic, who doesn't care how many people they turn away and hurt in the process. I'm no good for anyone right now, until things get better for me, emotionally and psychologically. I've ... NOT been in a good place lately.
My depression has been slowly trying to take a hold of me again sporadically on and off since before the move, and for about the past 1-2 months, I've been fighting with it daily. And as of late, I've found myself reverting back into very dark places, which I just can't allow to happen. I need distance and space to be able to ... deal with this ... somehow.
So ... if my online activity with furry sites and IM programs becomes increasingly barren for the next few weeks, now you know why. I just ... I need to pull back, NOW, before I lash out harder than I ever have before, and do damage that can't be taken back. I'm frighteningly close to coming completely unraveled. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of that. It's selfish, cruel, and unjust.
So to those I hurt who didn't deserve it, I'm sorry. To those I hurt who -did- deserve it, fuck you. And to everyone else ... see you when things get better.
My depression has been slowly trying to take a hold of me again sporadically on and off since before the move, and for about the past 1-2 months, I've been fighting with it daily. And as of late, I've found myself reverting back into very dark places, which I just can't allow to happen. I need distance and space to be able to ... deal with this ... somehow.
So ... if my online activity with furry sites and IM programs becomes increasingly barren for the next few weeks, now you know why. I just ... I need to pull back, NOW, before I lash out harder than I ever have before, and do damage that can't be taken back. I'm frighteningly close to coming completely unraveled. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of that. It's selfish, cruel, and unjust.
So to those I hurt who didn't deserve it, I'm sorry. To those I hurt who -did- deserve it, fuck you. And to everyone else ... see you when things get better.
SIGNAL BOOST: Help My Bud Finally Move In With His Boyfriend
Posted 12 years agohttp://www.furaffinity.net/journal/4387923/
Trying to get the word out for a very close friend of mine, whose trying to finally bridge the gap with his boyfriend, after 5 years 3 months of being in a long-distance relationship.
As someone who HAS a long-distance mate (my girlfriend), I know firsthand how hard it is. It hurts like nothing else in the world when all you want to do is hold that person, laugh with them, play with them, share your world with them ... and the miles in between keep that from happening. I've been with my girl for a lot less time than these two guys have been together, so I can't even BEGIN to imagine how much harder it's been for them. Theirs has always been a rough situation, with a LOT of twists, turns, and ups/downs over the years, and they deserve happiness together.
Naki was recently moved out of his mom's home and into a new place, so now he finally HAS that chance ... but not without help. I -know- the inherent goodness of this community, and it's capacity for great acts of compassion to those in need. I've seen it with my own eyes. And I know we can do it again.
Even if all you can do is post a signal boost journal, it ALL helps. If a thousand furs each just pitch in a -dollar-, that's all it would take. The more of us there are giving, the less each of us would need to give to help. Enough drops of water together can create an ocean.
So whether you give from your pockets or give with your assistance and support, I'd mean a LOT to me if you all could help two good guys finally take that next huge step in their relationship. Everyone ... EVERYONE ... deserves to be with the one they love.
Trying to get the word out for a very close friend of mine, whose trying to finally bridge the gap with his boyfriend, after 5 years 3 months of being in a long-distance relationship.
As someone who HAS a long-distance mate (my girlfriend), I know firsthand how hard it is. It hurts like nothing else in the world when all you want to do is hold that person, laugh with them, play with them, share your world with them ... and the miles in between keep that from happening. I've been with my girl for a lot less time than these two guys have been together, so I can't even BEGIN to imagine how much harder it's been for them. Theirs has always been a rough situation, with a LOT of twists, turns, and ups/downs over the years, and they deserve happiness together.
Naki was recently moved out of his mom's home and into a new place, so now he finally HAS that chance ... but not without help. I -know- the inherent goodness of this community, and it's capacity for great acts of compassion to those in need. I've seen it with my own eyes. And I know we can do it again.
Even if all you can do is post a signal boost journal, it ALL helps. If a thousand furs each just pitch in a -dollar-, that's all it would take. The more of us there are giving, the less each of us would need to give to help. Enough drops of water together can create an ocean.
So whether you give from your pockets or give with your assistance and support, I'd mean a LOT to me if you all could help two good guys finally take that next huge step in their relationship. Everyone ... EVERYONE ... deserves to be with the one they love.
Just a Head's Up: Weasyl
Posted 12 years agoNot to alarm anyone, BUT ... there's a very, very, VERY strong chance of me potentially leaving FA. It'd take entirely too long to get into right now, but the short version is that after years of bearing witness to a LOT of absolutely DEPLORABLE judgement calls on the part of the administration ... I'm fast-approaching the brink of fed up. At the moment, I'm still sorta with one foot out the door, assessing what to do.
I may just keep my FA account for the sake of following those who aren't on Weasyl yet, but once the vast majority of the artists I watch and friends I have migrate to Weasyl...? I just REALLY don't see myself staying her, once there's nothing left tethering me to this place. =/
That being said, here's my Weasyl, for those who wanna start following me there: https://www.weasyl.com/profile/synhowl
So ... consider this your in-advance warning. XD
P.S.: Pookin has a Weasyl, too, so go give him lurv: https://www.weasyl.com/profile/pookin
I may just keep my FA account for the sake of following those who aren't on Weasyl yet, but once the vast majority of the artists I watch and friends I have migrate to Weasyl...? I just REALLY don't see myself staying her, once there's nothing left tethering me to this place. =/
That being said, here's my Weasyl, for those who wanna start following me there: https://www.weasyl.com/profile/synhowl
So ... consider this your in-advance warning. XD
P.S.: Pookin has a Weasyl, too, so go give him lurv: https://www.weasyl.com/profile/pookin
Aaaaaaand Back!
Posted 12 years agoYep, I'm back and kickin'! I'd prefer not to get into any of the particulars of what happened here in this journal ("Big Brother" could be watching, if y'know what I mean =/), but I'll answer any questions via more discreet means, since I know I left a lotta people bewildered and confused by the 2-week timeout. =P
Anyhoo, pardon me if I'm a bit slow in coming back into the swing of things again, things got REALLY busy IRL during the course of those 2 weeks. My mom started a new job, so all her portion of the daily animal duties fall to me and Pookin, on the days that she works (in addition to what he and I already do everyday), which has been pretty exhausting. That, and things have been really intensifying with my classes. The school cut funding for a lot of the programs my instructor had wanted to introduce to the class, and the remaining choices weren't very ... "newb friendly", for lack of a better term. We needed a 3D Animation program to serve as a "stepping stone" into the more advanced stuff, and he kept drawing up a blank.
Welp, after some sleuthing about, and having seen a lotta artists here on FA fiddle around with it now and then, I looked into Sculptris ... aaaaand it's been PERFECT. I didn't know it was made by the same company that did ZBrush (and even more than that, is actually intended to work in TANDUM with ZBrush), so now not only is Scupltris being installed in all the Macs in class ... but the school has ALSO authorized funding to procure -ZBrush- for the class, too! We'll FINALLY be having access to an industry-standard program, eeeeeeeee!!! ^o^ Definitely expect to see some screenshots soon of some of my portfolio pieces I've been cranking out, ever since I first started fiddling with this thing. =3
Also just an FYI, I've also got 4 upcoming regular art pieces upcoming, too, that I'm working on in between other RL stuff, so look forward to that, also. ^_^
And for a final update ... I know this'll seem like it's coming out of nowhere for a lot of people, but ... after some on again/off again attempts to reforge contact between myself and my female ex ... and long long hard soul-prodding on both our ends ... we've decided to take a chance on love again. I've kept a lot of my feelings post-breakup pretty private, for the majority of the emotional roller-coaster ride I've been on, but I was just too emotionally exhausted to want to continually go into it. There was a lot of problems, but I honestly think there's still a chance to work through them. Hell, my current relationship with Pookin is rife with flaws, too, and yet here we both still are, y'know...? So we're going to try again, and see where life leads us. Not sure yet if she has any intentions of coming back to FA, but just wanted to update accordingly.
Til next journal, folks!
Anyhoo, pardon me if I'm a bit slow in coming back into the swing of things again, things got REALLY busy IRL during the course of those 2 weeks. My mom started a new job, so all her portion of the daily animal duties fall to me and Pookin, on the days that she works (in addition to what he and I already do everyday), which has been pretty exhausting. That, and things have been really intensifying with my classes. The school cut funding for a lot of the programs my instructor had wanted to introduce to the class, and the remaining choices weren't very ... "newb friendly", for lack of a better term. We needed a 3D Animation program to serve as a "stepping stone" into the more advanced stuff, and he kept drawing up a blank.
Welp, after some sleuthing about, and having seen a lotta artists here on FA fiddle around with it now and then, I looked into Sculptris ... aaaaand it's been PERFECT. I didn't know it was made by the same company that did ZBrush (and even more than that, is actually intended to work in TANDUM with ZBrush), so now not only is Scupltris being installed in all the Macs in class ... but the school has ALSO authorized funding to procure -ZBrush- for the class, too! We'll FINALLY be having access to an industry-standard program, eeeeeeeee!!! ^o^ Definitely expect to see some screenshots soon of some of my portfolio pieces I've been cranking out, ever since I first started fiddling with this thing. =3
Also just an FYI, I've also got 4 upcoming regular art pieces upcoming, too, that I'm working on in between other RL stuff, so look forward to that, also. ^_^
And for a final update ... I know this'll seem like it's coming out of nowhere for a lot of people, but ... after some on again/off again attempts to reforge contact between myself and my female ex ... and long long hard soul-prodding on both our ends ... we've decided to take a chance on love again. I've kept a lot of my feelings post-breakup pretty private, for the majority of the emotional roller-coaster ride I've been on, but I was just too emotionally exhausted to want to continually go into it. There was a lot of problems, but I honestly think there's still a chance to work through them. Hell, my current relationship with Pookin is rife with flaws, too, and yet here we both still are, y'know...? So we're going to try again, and see where life leads us. Not sure yet if she has any intentions of coming back to FA, but just wanted to update accordingly.
Til next journal, folks!
