Wow, so after the last journal, someone unwatched me.

At first I was hurt, then disappointed, and finally, was glad.

Glad in a hateful, angry way?

No. Glad in a way, that someone in their own personal journey, found the resonate frequency of my journal (if that was the reason they hit the - watch button) to be objectionable to them.

You know what? I wish that person the very best on their journey. I'm glad they removed me from their life. Hopefully, they enjoyed my presence here for a season. Hopefully they found some joy in my labors.

It was the right season and high-time they removed me from their life. Maybe they weren't ready for me, or maybe, they are further along than I am and no longer needed what I have to offer.

Either way, namaste.

:3

What an interesting and awful but edifying few months it's been lately.

I am letting go of the majority of my religious presuppositions. To some that might be terrifying, and perhaps disappointing.

In embracing myself, in every dark crack of my brokenness as a human being living in this broken, fallen world, this includes a full embrace of my sexuality, and, yes, even lived out through fictional anthropomorphic animal people.

Presently I am discovering as Paul said, all things are lawful, and in embracing all things, I am discovering what is beneficial. As I have said this journey is not for the coward, and takes more faith in God than the "Narrow way". (Sorry for the religious talk it's my belief religion gives God a bad name, this journal is NOT for religious talk, I'll make another one if people want to discuss that called RELIGIOUS JOURNAL, this one is for discussing the furry fandom.)

OKAY. Moving on.

To me, the furry fandom, in its essence, is pure, innocent, kind and loving. If animal people were as capable of the awful atrocities the human race nearly continually commits, what would be the point? That's being human with extra steps. Ew. No. We definitely would not let our vulnerable developing children watch them as cartoons, as healthy parents seek to bring a child to maturity with a temperance of exposing them to the pain of life while at the same time shielding them from it long enough (Give and take) for them to maturely accept and adapt.

Now. As most of us know, every single "Perversion" (I add the quotes because I view perversion as a broken persons attempt to cope with the desire for/act of act of sexual congress, and the desires inherent with most human beings.) that has ever existed in the hearts of the human race has been drawn in furry/anthro form, and if it is not true yet, it will definitely be true tomorrow.

I have seen some things... This fandom has repulsed me, to my core, but thankfully it blesses me far, far more often. (Nearly every day, actually.)

However, it is beneficial for the soul if one views what disturbs them as the trauma and brokenness of an innocent person who has been damaged with no healing answers- in the form of an artful expression. Oftentimes, the most damaged people are the ones who draw the most beautiful art! Bless them for their service to mankind.

In the eyes and forms of the anthro animal person, I see purity, love, sometimes anger, but I see a world not cursed by the endless toil and trauma of this present age. I see, in their eyes, what you could call... "Heaven."

Having worked with real-life wolves, who came with a certificate of authenticity from the wild, and truly appreciating the common canine (dog) I have come to realize something wonderful. Anyone who has ever lifted the lips of their family dog was likely shocked to see the teeth of a perfect killing machine, every calcified tooth harder than a nail, and designed for truly terrible things.

Except, we know our doggos as creatures of pure unconditional love... How is this so?!? I believe by nature of possessing such an arsenal, by being capable of unspeakable acts of violence, that the canine has said, in their heart, "I will not use my weapons for their intended purpose. I will, instead, love this human with the pure love of the Creator, and protect them with my life gladly. I only ask that you feed me."

What an unspeakably wonderful transaction. The trading of inexpensive dog-food for the unconditional love of a potential killer.

How splendid.

Thusly, when I imagine my animal people (I have written many novels on them, my beloved Naakaanee people, I will post some of them soon. I have decided to offer them free of charge here, and for pay on Amazon, so you if you enjoy them and decide to want to pay me you can- or if you do not wish to or cannot, you can still enjoy them. I hope they are enjoyable. Ok. Moving on.) I imagine them being created by God, fucking up like we did (It actually was gods plan all along but I'll save that for the other journal) and getting booted out of paradise...

And, these animal people discovering how hungry, horny, and angry they were, well. Got kind of rapey and murdery. Except, they quickly realized that the womenfolk had the same daggers and knives under their lips as the dudes, and, in time, they began to realize that, while they are all armed to the teeth (OK pun intended) maybe, instead of killing each other, and trying to rape the females, instead, they could do, oh, you know, NOT THAT.

Instead, they could plant and raise crops to feed their community, court one another in gentle celibacy, nurture and raise their children with love and compassion, train up the young men (And females if they desire it) to be tough protectors of said society from those who have not yet learned the righteousness of peace. (And must sometimes be taught it at the edge of a sword)

What a dynamic that would be, right??

And here on FA we get to taste it. This is why animal people will never not be beautiful to me. It's not only their form, but what they represent.

Something truly wonderful, existence with love as a dynamic.

PORN!!!

What about the porn, Dave?!?

I'm glad you asked!

As someone who was addicted to porn for many years, I can add my understanding, take it, or leave it. The porn is as equally beautiful to me. What? How? Because sexuality was designed by the creator to be the most spiritually intimate acts two human beings can engage in. (How often we fall so dazzlingly short of its majesty, lawlll) It is as powerful to complete people just the same as it is fragile, corruptible, and able to destroy countless people who desire it's perfection, oftentimes never to experience at all. (Very sad.)

So. You put the furry dynamic into the mix, and what you get is something beautiful, where weirdos like me can explore the things that are rejected by society as dirty and filthy. But, trust me when I say, my 621 blacklist is quite large! My tastes are more vanilla-ish but still kind weird. (Fuck yeah)

SOCIETY AND SHAME

As mankind is so fond of doing, (Forgetting history is one of our favorite things, sadly) we shame deviants into nicely packed boxes of guilt and rejection. Why? Because two men going through the motions of making a baby isn't going to make a baby, and babies are needed to propagate society. Sorry, that's just a fact. If you say, what about adoptions, yes, true, but for that kid to be adoptable, a heterosexual union had to happen.

Take it back to tribal days when you had Bubba caveman who liked to mate with the camels. The female humans shunned (And shamed, no doubt) him, he had a bad case of worms, and when the barbarians invaded, he was too skinny to fight back and the whole tribe was lost, the men murdered, the women forced into servitude, often sexual in nature. (That sucks! Nobody wants that! I mean, except the barbarians)

So, the heteronormative narrative was created and found to be best for society. Everything- literally everything else was shunned, and rightfully so. However, by doing so, we denied our fragile existence, denied the trauma inherent in so many people, forcing them to perform and believe a lie- that the heteronormative narrative leads to happiness. It can, sure, but as we are seeing so often it ends in divorce, sadness, brokenness, and suicide, with single mother homes producing children who are far more likely to commit suicide or end up incarcerated.

Sorry, that's just the facts. I wish it were not so.

Because, by embracing what makes us weird, is what makes people truly happy, and more than mere happiness- grants us liberty and freedom. Granted, one can embrace their weirdness right into a dangerous situation, get an STD, and even be murdered because of it. However, is the person embracing their love of the same gender worse-off than the person denying it, who has children and a wife now, but after 30 years, is going to run away with the pool boy, leaving his wife devastated, and his children confused and angry?

Well, you tell me.

I have come up with a saying, "Embrace your darkness or forever be its slave". It's certainly been true for me.

THE PROBLEM

The problem can happen when a mature ass adult, wakes up on bright, sunny morning, and while looking at their FA inbox, suddenly realizes,

HORSE COCK TURNS ME ON AND IF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY EVER FIND OUT THEY WILL FUCKING KILL ME AT BEST, REJECT ME AT WORST! I MUST DELETE MY FA ACCOUNT AND FORGET I EVER ENJOYED ANIMAL PEOPLE. I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF I AM ALSO GOING TO CONTEMPLATE SUICIDE!!!

This person is committing a terrible sin against themselves, in my opinion, and is taking-on shame into their soul, denying themselves of what was designed to heal, to be enjoyed. We all do this. I am a 6'1" 200 LB ex-mercenary trained by 2 organizations and a spec ops soldier, has volunteered for intergovernmental operations and was told i was basically not coming home from, saddled up anyway, who carries a firearm, Khukuri blade on him every day, has survived 13 things that have historically killed other people, died one time (Actually went to the other realm) worked with wolves, has jumped street bikes... You get the point right?

Who likes hairy wolf-women, (And sneps, come on, sneps are gorgeous, you do you but my people are wolves and sneps) would absolutely marry one if they existed, and likes cute little chibis and puppy dogs... You're god damned right I don't let anyone in my unit know! For the fear of being shamed and laughed at! I have an anthro wolf face on my phone and yeah! I'm scared someone will call me out on it, it's always traumatizing to turn my phone on, however, the animal-person is so beautiful to me, I get lost in her eyes, I imagine her real, what she would be like, what manner of person she would be, and yes, wanting to give her some of my throat yogurt! Since I'm being honest! (I wish more people would be honest) If it "Got out" that I was a slightly gay furry it may also harm my business, upon which I rely for my survival. It also, may not. I have faith in the universe to provide for me as I embark on this fearful journey.

The irony, however, is the ones doing the laughing secretly, very likely, would absolutely rail a wolf person, if they existed, their same-desire manifesting itself as mocking. Probably not always, some people see no fruit in investing so much of themselves into what does not exist. I understand that. For me, it's worth seeing the art, gathering that dopamine, writing my novels where I get to explore myself in marvelous fantasy settings. I would die without it.

~OR~

WHY DOES THIS NAKED ANIMAL PERSON TURN ME ON?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!! OH MY GOD DO I WANT BESTIALITY? UHHHHHHH KILL ALL FURRIES!!! FURRIES RUIN EVERYTHING!!! BURN THE FURRIES!!! okay that naked puma girl is hot af but KILL ALL FURRIES AND PUT CHLORINE GAS IN THE VENTHILATION SYSTEM OF THE FURRY CON!!! DIEEEEE!!!!111

You know the kind. I wish people would admit to where they are at, at their stage of life. Then, those suffering in silence would have the release of not feeling so alone and alienated. THIS dynamic is robbing the young of any hope, of meaning, of their sense of priceless value as a human being. We are literally killing the next generation with our unwillingness to be honest about our innermost desires, and damning people to lives of endless self-denial, along with a system of selfish greed (It's the best we got, but still) that robs them of the hope of owning a home. They're seeing relationships decay, and losing hope for that, too. It's no wonder they're burning things down. In a way, they're absolutely right. This society has failed them spectacularly.

There's a verse in the Bible, "Take up your cross, and deny yourself..." Well, I am saying fuck that. Set that god damned thing down and love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Listen to your spirit and do not do things you do not like doing, and do things you enjoy doing, unless it harms you, someone else, an animal, of righteous society. (Cos fuck Nazi Germany if i may be honest, burn that shit down, top tier clowns with guns, doing clown things. Sadly, I fear we are headed for those days yet again, and by those very individuals who cry for sexual freedom.) And if that offends you keep in mind the Bible also says at some point in the "End days" Gods Grace will be poured out on all flesh, that includes gay/you/literally everyone and everything.

As I have said exploring my sexuality, if the condom breaks I may end up with an incurable disease that, at best, takes 8 years off of my life, and perhaps right after that experience I meet the woman of my dreams who would complete me and was sent to me by the universe. So one could certainly wreck themselves. So love yourself... Safely. Some things aren't worth the repercussions my friends. Many men have bottomed for the first time, found it very painful, and ended up with HIV. Some might consider the reward for that to be insufficient for the result.

I have battled with the immorality of the furry dynamic and especially the enjoyment of the porn. I have fasted from the fandom, wrestled with God over it, which hilariously God was telling me all along he literally put the desires for the fandom (The core of them) in my soul, it is literally a part of my dna by Gods design... God has even used some of my writing to wake up parts of my heterosexuality that were seared-shut as a child who was raped and abused by men and women both. God used that same story (The first sex scene I wrote after writing a bunch of other novels and trying not to allow my characters who deeply loved one another, to F U C K) to tell me the wolf-woman (Genetically created from real wolf DNA in that particular novel) if one molecule of lupine essence existed in her love-tunnel the human man was loving, that if it was wolf, technically it WAS bestiality, and maybe I should keep my Naakaanee people God-breathed and not genetically engineered as I explored once!

Alright so I am straying from the point again.

It is my personal belief that there is quite a bit of dysfunction within the fandom, and we are holding ourselves back quite a bit. There is a bit of a lack of maturity, too, but that's really only people embracing their inner child. My inner child carries a battle rifle.

I will forever love this fandom, and be grateful to the creators of the art who bring bits of light into my life. (The first 40 years of my life were spent in fire and blood and pain, as I embrace myself the darkness gets penetrated)

The embracing of myself has gone from OH MY GOD I, A FILTHY SINNER JUST WATCHED TWO MALE ANTHROS TRY AND MAKE A BABY OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME

to...

Wow, that's hot AF, think I'll have a nice fap, and move on with my day.

and

CRIPPLING LONELINESS AND EXISTENTIAL DREAD

vs.

Eh, it would be nice to be in a relationship with someone, literally 5 people want to exchange throat yogurt, (I, quite literally could get laid in probably an hour, maybe more lol, women have always liked me and it's almost annoying) a handful of female humans would as well, I'll just roll with it as I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship (Waiting for the universe say it's cool or not cos L O R D K N O W S I'm kinda fucked up, and I dun wanna hurt a woman like I ended up hurting my ex fiancee, there's enough suffering in this world without me adding to it!!!)

Doing what I desire to do, literally writing 5 more novels at once and pouring my heart into every one, financially terrified (My spirit sometimes won't answer the phone. He also likes alcohol a LOT!!! Liquid joy is hard to resist, let me tell you.) but trusting the universe, if I lose everything I lose everything and get the joy of starting again. Or, living comfortably in my van. It takes a LOT of faith to trust the universe. Loving the furry art here and the 621, exploring the how and why of my love of the fandom, how I maturely feel about animal people in the realm of if they existed, exploring the secrets of the universe, life, and love. Discovering love for other human beings, that ties into loving myself =)

Remember something, you are a precious individual creation. Or, a precious result of a type of divine evolution, a piece of a puzzle that is onward to perfection, without your individual piece the puzzle could not go on, you are life and the universe itself. (If you don't want to believe in God or the universe or the sacred spaghetti monster, may his divine tentacles touch you and give you meatballs... I guess)

THE CONCLUSION

I love the fandom. I have Z E R O desire to want to BE an anthro. Imagine being able to smell farts 1,000 times better. Getting your tail slammed in doors constantly. Having to call me (A plumber) to constantly clean your drains because of the hair. (LOL imagine plumbing the shower drain in 4" ABS HAHA) In a human setting, you then get to deal with people hating you because you're different, or, perhaps, anthros are so completely different they won't be hated at all.

I have found y'all to be kind and accepting. I have a place here and it feels weird and taboo. As a Christian we're supposed to "Put away childish things" not... Embrace them. But, what if your inner child being denied for so long is what's causing your anxiety? And depression? Because those things are a shadow in my life of what they once were. Truly. Embracing my demons, giving the devil a hug. TRULY seeking God, but for me, outside the walls of religion and fear. (Did I mention I actually died once and went to another realm of existence where there was no time, and God (Love, literally) soaked my spirit/soul/whatever >I< am in his pure essence (Again, the very definition of the word love?)

W E I R D

One thing I want even more than a mate, is to learn to draw better. I'm working at it, slowly. My writing is taking a beautiful new dynamic as I strive to understand my fellow man (And woman) in society and at the dog park (I'm talking about the assigned gender humans, here.) I know I am weird and fucked up but honor goes to whom puts the work in. Plumbers don't have scalpels for a reason if you get my drift. And, this is not a cowards journey, they never take the next step. That would require more faith than they have.

Truly, truly I have SO MUCH i want to draw and put on paper. Art-wise. Wow, it's 1 o clock, 13:00. I really must get on with my day.

https://youtu.be/0_Pn5puYb0o

Beautiful, angelic singing. I have always loved the female voice. I could imagine her, a beautiful angelic wolf-angel-woman as white as the snow with wings perhaps, her eyes closed in worship or perhaps singing from the most resonant chambers of her heart.

This song resonates with me.

Have been delving into self improvement, spirituality and etc. Buddhism, Taoist and daoist philosophies. Taking what is useful and good and true, and leaving what does not resonate with me. Learning to exist in the moment, and not fight negativity. Embracing what is and not trying to change it. Finding healing.

This popped into my youtube feed.

I hope you find enjoyment from it.

Never told women how important they are/ held them to a worthy (ordered, accountable) standard based on how they make us feel/have power over us, is it too dangerous to enter into a heteronormative relationship these days, due to the disparity of risk VS reward for the 2 partners? Asking for a friend lol

Well, I've been missing my ex fiancee pretty hard the last few days. I have a "friend" taunting me over "taking my hand out to eat" while he enjoys his girlfriend. It's kind of sick how the "haves" enjoy flaunting what they have over the have-nots. I am sure I am just as guilty of it in some way.

I would say most people are in no position to truly use this holiday to its fullest potential, fully embracing its spirit, boyfriend /girlfriend, married or otherwise.

It's speculated that of the majority of marriages that fail, the ones that "remain" only a very low percentage are "happy".

It's sad to me, as I step out of ClownTown, and take a look at my fellow clowns, I see machismo men, too terrified to acknowledge the fact that women have more power over us than God Himself, and conversely to teach women "our" side of life, the indemic pain and endless struggle of existence that many men bear silently on their backs and secretly hope they can avoid the spectre of self-ending long enough to have cancer take them out, at last.

And women, who are the light of the world, beautiful and angelic, yet not held to a worthy standard of us, because we're too scared to be honest with them, because we're incapable of looking passed out penises for a half a second, to try and see things from women's perspective. I've heard countless guys say women are crazy. They're not crazy. You're just not seeing it from their perspective.

Women have asked men, "what do you wish of us?" Our response? "Uh, put that makeup on and spread those legs..." women: "what about my character? Should I work on that? " men: "naw. That would require us being honest with ourselves about our mortality, understanding you, and possibly being vulnerable. Naw, just give us sex."

On and on, rinse and repeat, since day 1, and now society is circling the drain. Sorry if that's bleak, but I have to be honest about society, men, women, and relationships as I consider just what went wrong with my relationship with my fiancee, WHAT hand I had in it (how did I fuck it up? I need to know so I won't make the same mistakes again if I ever find myself in a hetero relationship, I may never be in another one.)

Bottom line, can I have what my heart wants? Jesus I have no idea. Presently I'm self-caring and self-loving. I'm gonna move back into my van (by choice) and make it something that is devoted to caring for Me, whatever the hell that means.

Bottom line, I think the expectations of valentines day harms more lonely people (and yes many married are also lonely and harmed by it) than it helps to bring together.

The holiday for the few, at the expense of the rest. But, what else do we expect from ClownTown.

This person's music has been an inspiration. I am a writer (some say I'll post my stuff!) and his music has really inspired me at times. Please give his talent a listen!

https://www.furaffinity.net/user/velz/

https://www.furaffinity.net/gallery/velz/

Thank you =)

Hi, I accepted Jesus when I was a little boy and have lived an extremely legalistic/works based life all my life, up until recently.

I have a telegram channel called "brave furry believers" that is a NON JUDGMENTAL channel (unless you're harming yourself or others, animals or society). Beware! We are operating in the liberty of God and sometimes we can be very, very real in our struggles. We admit when we're angry with God, horny, desiring x thing and we don't judge one another for it.

It's a fairly unorthodox channel, just a place for Christians to be real, it can be weird/funny/sometimes even slightly perverted, but we are all on the same path with the same destination as we try and understand God, ourselves, other people, and the world around us without putting on any faces or hiding the darkness within. Because I believe only by embracing our darkness do we stop being it's slave.

The truth will set you free (bondage is the opposite of freedom) and perfect love casts out all fear! Personally, I would rather die than return to legalism and bondage, works based salvation. I do not believe we Christians have the monopoly on God, and I believe we are in the end times, as revelations says, "My Grace will be poured out on all flesh" (no exceptions)

So, if you are an open (or even closed minded and want to see what it's about!) minded Christian and want people to fellowship with, I invite you to check the channel out. We even have a guy who isn't Christian who joined accidentally and shares his (actually pretty good) music with us from time to time! (don't preach to him he doesn't want it and I respect that!)

We are NOT legalists and generally frown on legalism, we try and accept you where you are at on your life journey. People who are confused, alone, lonely, scared, hurting, depressed, disappointed with the church, with other Christians are actually welcome, so long as you stay respectful to the others in chat. While some of my fellow Christians have stolen from me, mocked me, cheated and abused me, I view those people as broken human beings who are where they are in their walk with God, I do not discard them but know God may well correct them, but loves them anyway.

This is a movement in embracing ourselves, God, and other people. That said, I am the owner of the chat and will moderate / remove people who I believe need removing, although I try and be lenient, I don't run it like the military. I am a former combat merc.

We are very real Christians who tend not to fit in traditional places. We are the Christian rejects :3 God accepts us even if no one else does. Remember before Adam ate the Fruit, all things were literally a go in the Garden, baby.

Now how the hell do I post a telegram link?

https://t.me/joinchat/FDeQVhpNZb3OWzk5

I hope that works.

Lol I wrote this after getting sloshed when it seems as if my country is transitioning from a Constitutional republic to a banana republic and I'm not mincing words one bit.

The meaning of life is to eat good food, drink good wine, and to dwell on the good things (live in the moment). Seriously.

Anyway the world is going insane, the emperors clothes have been revealed, the veil has been pierced, and here's a recipe for grilled cheese sandwiches.



It's simple.

Grilled cheese sandwiches.

Yes.

It's that simple.

Use butter, but mix mayonnaise with tons of Parmesan cheese and butter both sides of the sourdough (use sourdough).

Use hatch chili pepper jack cheese and rbst free cheddar. Use jalapeños if you're into that. Not everyone is, and that's fine.

When both sides are nice and crispy and brown, add cheese and add the cover for your skillet, mad wait until the cheese is nice and melted. Add sides of bread and enjoy. You have now discovered the meaning of life.

https://www.ushistory.org/valleyfor.....on/vision.html

Please read this. It isn't long. It's excellent if you're vexed as of the current events unfolding

https://youtu.be/GDC-7Z7ZmpE

I am sure it's conceptualized, however, it still sounds good to my ears regardless.

https://youtu.be/CbI79e5iZKs

Hell yeah

If anyone is offended by his Buddha references, the song is basically him crying out to God so get over it =) it's Hella catchy, too.

I write this as I witness what seems to be the death of the greatest constitutional republic that has ever existed.

As someone who has discovered Jordan Peterson, (and others) and has embarked on a terrifyingly painful journey of honest and deep self discovery, I'm realizing how disordered I, and my fellow man really are.

I see how hopeless it is to find gratitude in a mate, as I risked my life and fortune repeatedly to keep a single mom and her two kids safe, only to watch her go back to her ex husband, and lie to me about one of her stalkers, that could have resulted in spilled blood and the death of me or him! When she led him on!!! Did she care? No. Only towards the end did she have the guts to tell me the truth about her attraction to him. Then, I was discarded, "canceled" as if I never existed, as if my life, and the risking thereof, never had any meaning or importance to the woman.

At present I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Disordered, hypocritical cowards run the world, and the sheep bleet in approval. The sheep, too terrified to confront their own mortality pat each other on the back, over a society that is constantly, AT BEST, hanging by a MERE thread.

What am I hoping for? A beautiful, kind, wonderful and disordered/unschooled/dishonorable woman who will bring light into my life, only to be too weak and improperly schooled in the ways of honor to make it a lifetime investment, regardless of my hand in it all. For the record, I love women, if you're wondering, to me, women are an absolute treasure, beautiful, a gift from God, and absolutely destroyed by men who cannot look passed their little heads!

What is the value of that? If one wanders in a dark cave, and someone brings a flashlight, leads him halfway out, then runs away with the light? Is he still not lost? What was the value of the light if it is gone- the answer is none. He was better off not having his hope give birth, only to be dashed against the rocks of reality.

I see a society built on greed, narrow minded and unintelligent lust, selfishness, and the tyranny of the foolish weakling desperate for power to satiate his pain by inflicting pain on others. It's (the way things are done, at least in America) destroying the hope of the young, to own a home and for a fulfilling relationship.

We teach our little girls NOTHING outside of "look pretty, you'll get a boy!" rather than something USEFUL, oh, like, maybe, HONOR, GRATITUDE, VIRTUE, AND fucking CHARACTER! It is an idiocratic society based on outward physical beauty and attraction rather than actual fucking character that matters a thousand times more for lasting fulfillment! And we teach our boys to "get the pu$$y!" Literally! What do these young people have to look forward to? Outside of escaping the empty, shallow world inside a video game?

I've survived fire, violence, rape as a child, attacks physically and with firearms, accidents, my life has been fire and blood and pain it feels like since day one. I've been places other people haven't returned from. I'm not bragging- what I'm saying is, I have seen the dark places people can go, as easily as making a split second decision of survival, of the desperate attempt to maintain some enjoyment from the vacuum and inevitability of life. And I am afraid that my fellow man (and woman) are teetering on the edge of a precipice that on one side, spells oblivion, because...

Freedom, once relinquished to weak minded tyrants, is never, ever returned to those who surrender it. And to the great mourning of the majority of people. Most of whom supported the tyrant but later regret their often emotional decision. And by then it is too late for them, and everyone else.

If there is a loss of order, I fear the restoration of "order" will never be the same. The freedom you enjoy now, - what's left of it - will be a shadow of what we once enjoyed, and completely took for granted.

If anyone has ever read the terrifying chapter of Revelations in the Bible, it seems like everything is happening to a "tee". Plagues, earthquakes, wars and rumors of wars. Coming economic collapse and every man for himself. A bag of gold buys a loaf of bread. Then everything is "saved" (NOT!!!) By a one-world government and currency and a tyrrany that weak and disordered people will hail as their savior. The great reset! Except it won't be great at all, except in breadth of unparalleled horror and human suffering.

So I am left here, seemingly alone, wondering, what hope do I have, myself? When all around me are immature, disordered, self-blind people operating from corrupted instincts and motivated by an idiocratic society, too terrified to confront their own mortality to TRY AND DO BETTER. Instead, eking out what little enjoyment can be had from a decaying society and dying marriage institution.

Maybe the answer is, because nobody really knows how to fix ANYTHING, at best you only fix yourself. Maybe the wise man is the man in the alley, drinking alcohol all day and begging for food. Maybe, God is so pissed and disappointed in us for eating the apple (the He put there!!!!!) that this idiocy is His divine revenge on His creation that disobeyed, when ironically the curiosity in us WAS PUT THERE BY Him. And if any Christians want to tell me THERE IS A CHOICE let me tell you, you could literally be perfect in thought, mind, deed, action and motivation IF YOU ONLY CHOSE to be. So don't tell me there's a choice when you're not choosing to be 100% perfect.

And now, we all must suffer because we now have "knowledge of good and evil".

Sorry if this is a fatalistic mixture of integrated Christian beliefs and a very real questioning of the world, God, etc. It's fucking where I'm at right now and all I see are people willing to be anything but real and genuine in their fear and frustration. Maybe most people don't even know HOW to be real.

I just don't see the point outside of living in my van, drinking all day, sleeping with random people from hookup apps, and entertaining myself with youtube, Netflix, and eating whatever food tastes good.

My question is, what hope have I?

If I do go to Africa to fight child traffickers with a different unit, a part of me hopes, and knows, I won't be coming back. Is that the best response to God for the life I have been given? "Thanks but no Thanks, I'm gonna fight the evil You created and allowed until I'm gone from this earth."

What else is there? Hedonistic enjoyment of the pointless dissipation of life... If the entire system and way of life of the vast, vast majority of people is to work a soul-sucking job, to do so endlessly without hope of owning a home or having an ordered life mate, without hope of retiring and with an unsustainable lack of meaning, order, and hope, all to keep corporations and government afloat, what's the God damned point???

This is presently ridiculously unsustainable! For everyone! And it is getting worse!

I fear people are just too scared/weak/ignorant to question anything of significance, including and especially inside of themselves, and we are, as revelations says, doomed to enter into a worldwide scenario of inescapable violence and the tragic loss of human dignity and value of life. It seems like we were doomed from the start, the great human experiment ending as it is written in the pages of the "good" book.

So that leaves me begging the question, what the fucking hell about me? What am I to do? Where is the hope? How do you lay hold of hope when you cannot find a happy, sustainable future?

My dog just came in, jumped on my bed and buried her head in my chest, growling in play and causing me to play the game of wrestling and play biting, and suddenly I feel better. But this morning was a morning of hopeless lack of resolution.

Yesterday was a rough day.

I am better today, more or less.

Just found out my ex was slandering and lying about me to a very important (and she knew it full well) client.

What am I supposed to do??

I'm pretty much done with God and the heteronormative narrative, if I can be honest and fuck it I am.

What else can I say..

So recently I began making video logs of my thoughts on my ex fiancee. Surprisingly, they helped me work through a lot of the pain and cycles of how/why/do/regret. Even helping embracing my alternative sexuality and in doing so, my heterosexuality is beginning to "become uncovered and make more sense."

Im still embracing my female side.

The other day I was installing a shower pan, and I believe my creator whispered to me, that I need to "let her go" completely. And I've been doing the work and the painful acceptance of the idea that I'll never see her again.

The other part of the "whispering" to my spirit was a fairly wonderful hope of, "and learn to be happy and content as a single person." I have a lot of hope for this. Not only the delightful woman I got to talk to who gave me hope for happiness with another woman, but with learning to embrace my single-Ness and freedom. Not resentfully, but joyously.

Learning to make delicious meals, enjoying good beer, learning to draw and illustrate my stories, enjoying the endless beauty of nature. The last week I have been given new doors and opportunities for personal growth, and I have taken them all no matter how scary they may seem.

The last two days I've awoken salty and angry at her. For the angry letter she sent, last, to the man who risked his life to save and protect her, the disrespect she showed me is very real. "She could have been nicer." someone told me. Yeah I've been pretty pissed. But, as I'm finding out, bitterness only hurts the person who is holding it. And, no doubt I had my hand in causing a situation that is likely hard for her, so of course she is upset.

But still.

I'm working to release her completely so that I can move on, but not with resentment, but with the hope that she finds what her heart desires. That she's happy. Truly, hope and want this for her. And in doing so, finding my own way. Finding contentment and enjoyment of life.

So I had a brief relationship with a woman I pulled out of a bad situation, and her 2 children. It turned romantic and eventually I asked her dad for her hand in marriage.

He said yes. (he's a judge BTW)

She moved into my home and we lived together for... Around 7 months.

In the past, I'd had one night affairs "experimenting" with other men, but I was "saving myself" for a woman, I had several opportunities to change that, but I was careful to at least try and save that for a woman. Indeed I was the 40 year old virgin when she took it.

We made it work. She was a good woman. Traditional. Very, very intelligent. Very real. Wise. She helped me a great deal with many things in my understanding. We went camping, hiking, had fun.

And every day I truly turned myself towards God to get my trauma (there's quite a bit of it from my childhood! Everything from molestation and rape to brutal violence and attempted murder on me) sorted out so it would work with her.

I had been victimized by women as a child and carried a lot of fear and need to protect myself from very real attacks and manipulations. And, my lizard brain would tell me she was attacking me... When she wasn't. I was mean, pulling my spirit from her as if I was divorcing her, and she said it felt "horrible" when I did that. I did it several times throughout the relationship. Possibly many times. I was also drinking fairly heavily at night.

Eventually she told me I didn't want her. I told her she was damn wrong. But, I had come to realize when I truly sought God about her words, and was humble, God would show me she was right, many times.

So I asked God why, and he revealed I had considered changing my gender in high school, and I also was struggling with same-sex desires before she came into my life. Like, weeks before. I merely buried those things, however they were sapping my heart in the darkness from affections for her. Combine that with me trying to "protect myself" from nonexistent attacks from her, and eventually I forced her out of my home. I got paranoid she was going to accuse me of something, I thought she was hiding things, and things were being broken repeatedly. She did not want her children exposed to the trans thing, and I agreed. I hid the painted toenails, and smooth body as much as I could.

I told her to leave. She turned to her ex husband who was paying child support for money to leave my house. Her dad had previously disowned her and kicked her out when she tried going there. She had described her ex with not much love, and told me she wasn't attracted to him. He was (much) older. She said marrying him was an act of desperation. Because men were always trying to get with her. So she finally just gave in. She saved herself, too.

One thing she said to me before she left, she was going to have to pay him back "with her soul". I didn't know she was saying... With her body, possibly. Because he is that type, to get with a woman. I had a vision after she was gone of her leading him into the bedroom, as she did when we would be intimate. I do not know if the darkness sent the vision to torment me, or if God sent it to show me the gravity of what she was facing.

In the end I sent texts, emails, (she had blocked me soon after she left my house) tried many avenues to get a hold of her, because it took a month to see that truly, truly, I loved her. I could not see it while we were together. I could not see she was truly a good woman, and I was causing her so much pain.

My mentor told me I was inundating her, but I was tortured terribly over what she might be going through, worried if she and HER kids were okay. She finally emailed me a short email two days ago.

"Leave MY kids and I alone. (I had previously referred to her kids as "the kids" meaning partial ownership by me as I loved them as my own. She put the emphasis on MY. Like, they're not YOURS.)
Do not attempt to contact us again. (I don't know what she meant by "us" I was only trying to get a hold of HER.)
Do not send us any more money. (I had sent her a refund on car insurance and had to cancel it after she ghosted me. I also sent her money for a book on healing trauma.)
It's over. (emphasis mine)

Two people have told me maybe God will repair the family dynamic of the kids father. I don't know. I do know I had a family for a short time, and even though I couldn't feel it at the time tragically, I had the fulfillment I had always wanted. (I only see that now that she's gone)

The hardest times are yet to come as I confront what I did, my toxicity, and realize I will never get to take the kids for a hike in the mountains, watch star trek with her, or go on fun trips with them again. It is truly hard to embrace that. I mean the depths of losing all the hopes and plans we had. That it's just... Gone.

Why am I writing all this crap... To tell anyone in a relationship, please don't take them for granted. Don't learn after the fact what they truly meant to you. Get past the hurt. It might just be your trauma triggers and may not even be them at all. Be strong. Remember the loneliness you felt before you met them. The grass always seems greener away from your partner but it isn't.

A week ago I met a very attractive and absolutely delightful woman, who I talked to for hours. That interaction gave me hope that my happiness wasn't solely fulfilled in the woman I let into my home.

I am on an genuine and organic journey now to explore the darkness in my soul, the desires that religion has told me to flee, that only fester in the dark, never go away, and sabotage truly good relationships. Like Jung understood, we must embrace our darkness. In time I pray my ex fiancée has the courage to take the path I am on and gain understanding. She struggles with depression and I worry for her. I hope she finds meaning and ends up okay. I would take her back in a heartbeat, but she cannot see I am no danger to her or her kids.

I know in time when my soul is rested, has accepted what it needs to accept, thst the right person will be effortlessly introduced into my life. And I will take my wisdom I learned from the tragedy of this relationship, into that one, and treat that person with love and respect. And just worry about myself and God. Nothing else. It's going to be a journey. I hope it's not too long. I am a lonely human being. I need intimacy. But I also want to be thorough. I'm not dodging any pain or fear any more. I'm loving forward to become the person I should have been had I of been treated with dignity, love, and respect as a child.


Thanks for reading.

Since my beloved dog passed recently, I'm finding his reddish orange hair all over. Even in my van. Rather than just smiling and tossing it away, I grit my teeth and stare at it for a while, going through my memories of him, then put it some place special, to preserve it.

I still have hair from my wolf, whom I loved, who passed years ago.

I remember my beloved Barley, who wanted to be near me more than he wanted to eat.

I remember him slowly pulling a Costco hot dog that was in my lap, as he lay behind me, hoping if he was slow enough I wouldn't notice. I laugh through misty eyes as I type this.

I recall how if we were both laying, when he gave me a kiss, I would touch my hand to his face, and he would touch his paw to my face. I had someone snap a picture of it once. Some people are grossed out by a dog touching his tongue to my face but I didn't give a shit. I loved him dearly.

I remember how faithful he was, following me and being by my side at all times. I remember his gratitude, and his honest tail that never lied, wagging every time I looked at him and smiled.

Thinking back I knew he loved me, but hashing out these memories, I realize the depth of his love for me was not able to be fully perceived by my mind while he was alive. It's a cruel beckoning that might be designed to help me not fight passing into the next world when my time comes, that is my thought on that. (I am not suicidal, don't worry about that, if people knew ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE LIVED THROUGH you would know that I'm not going to self harm!!!) To be with my Boo Bear again, and to feel his soft hair (he had hair, not fur, by virtue of him being a Basenji).

When I saw my baby boy, always so refreshing and wonderful to see him no matter how long we were apart, when I saw his body, entirely without it's spark of life, having passed on near the radio that played Christian praise music, something that seemed to make my dogs happier at the end of the day, I wept bitterly, crying out, it wasn't fair, my fiancee who I loved left me, taking her two children, whom I also loved as my own, having left just weeks earlier, and now God took my beloved dog, my only other consolation, now I could not say, "at least I still have my Barley! He won't ever leave me!"

I cringe at the irony that the year 2020 has been so awful to so many, but it is the year I gained everything I ever wanted, and then lost it all a short while after.

After literally downloading and admiring tens of thousands of pictures of perfectly drawn anthro peoples. How? Especially the area around the eyes. And where the muzzle meets the eyes and forehead, and the lower and side cheek area. I'm having a lot of trouble with this! I have so many things I want to draw =(

My dog Barley had been battling something he ate, possibly poison for a week. The vet gave him electrolytes, antibiotics, and a vomit suppressor. He was up and down. The last day he was alive he was too sore to get up on the bed so be boofed and growled at me, (something he did often to get my attention, I would boof and growl back and we would have a back and forth conversation it was adorable) I brought him up there. He curled up in my arms as he does, the comfort that only he could provide.

I said goodbye and went to work, I came home hours later to find him deceased at the steps to my house.

I wept bitterly, touching him as if he was still alive and needed comforting.

I went and purchased clay to make molds of his paw as a memorial, I dug his grave, solemnly and gently placed him in it, placed a flower on his body, said a tearful eulogy, then buried my best friend.

They say "everything is going to be alright" but that's not true. I should have gotten ten more years with him. I know in life tragedies happen, and we try to avoid them, but the rug got pulled out from under me yesterday.

I woke up today missing his presence on the bed, feeling him either with my feet or in my arms. He was the dog that refused to eat at the rescue and instead wanted to kiss my hand. He sat in my lap at the screening room in the rescue and hugged me. He was my constant companion, best friend, and source of heavenly comfort.

He wouldn't let me get depressed, would give me soft mouth bites to show he loved me, he was my fierce defender. Because he was part Basenji, and very cat like, he would "clean me up" with his tongue even if i was covered in grease from working on a vehicle. (I would stop him of course but he was willing to get me clean)

He had to always be touching me, laying against me, curled up and touching me, letting me know I'm not alone.

I thought that when my ex left she took the light out of my life. I was wrong. Things feel so much darker. Barley came into my life when they killed my wolf in front of me, and a few months later my German Shepherd died. I was desolate and did not know a human being could weep that bitterly, and deeply.

It was months before I could bring myself to visit a shelter, but when I looked into his eyes I knew he saw me. He was the only dog that didn't use the visitation room and long kennel for an opportunity to run. He, instead, sat on my lap and hugged me with his muzzle. I knew right then he was going to be the dog I was going to adopt.

This has taken the wind out of my sails. I don't feel much right this moment, I have been grieving the loss of my ex for so long I don't really have much left in the way of tears. What a sobering blow by reality. We have something good in our lives and we deep down want to keep it forever.

My only consolation is that he is in a better place, his pain is gone, he is running with my wolf and Alsatian in endless fields of grass and wheat.

These have been some pretty heavy days for me. I make progress, then I get pushed three steps back.

These days have been spent working with my creator to discover who I am. Who I am really... Not the little boy who survived trauma but as the person I should have been.

My mate has moved out, the circumstances are very sad. She has ghosted me. At first I felt free, then I felt angry, and now I realize in spite of her flaws I really do love her. I now see her as a good woman. She was given tons of bad advice and she went with it, and I see how my survival mechanisms turned me toxic and prevented me from being able to give her the deep spiritual affection that her heart wanted from me.

In the end she said she would keep trying to make it work with me and I told her honestly that I would always care about her. The other day, funny enough this happens AFTER she left, I was absolutely overcome and saturated with a deep, deep love and passion and tender affection and desire for her... The very thing she needed from the beginning... A deep, warm tender love and desire to shelter, protect, nurture, keep safe, and love her. This is probably the first time I've felt something like this for a woman.

I sent her an email from one of my addresses I hadn't used before to tell her how deeply sorry I am for how I treated her (denying affection, however I did not know I was doing it, still, she deserved better) telling her please to not ghost me any more, see if I could help her in any way, and to offer her a non romantic relationship. It would honestly be just about all I need in life to be able to watch a movie with her and hold her in my arms again, I would give almost anything to hold her and touch bellies one more time. I wanted to hug her so badly the last two times she was in my house. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, I didn't know how she would react, but now I realize I should have. My god how I fucked up.

In the end she said we would be better off "best friends" and honestly that sounds like a wonderful idea. I would grow my beard back and stop the hookup game I thought I wanted, (it hasn't happened, she was my last intimate partner) and be there for her. If she desires intimacy I would give it to her on her terms and I would be more than fine with that. I kept it platonic in the end because I knew she wasn't comfortable with it, so hopefully she knows she would be safe with me.

About my own mental health I am seeing the world differently, society, people, relationships. I have actually never been this emotionally stable and well adjusted, even though life is pretty damn hard in all directions.

I am eternally grateful for the affection and love my dogs have shown me. They miss the kids terribly and sleep where their beds used to be.

About going to Africa to help with the violence and trafficking there, my "in" wasn't as much of an in as I thought and I probably might not be going there. People tell me I'm needed here in the states anyway. We'll see.

My business is struggling as usual, I'm fighting an endless battle of trying to keep my trucks going.

I have discovered a love of cooking. It started with a collection of seasoning and spices, it has turned into something wonderful that gives my life some added meaning.

I am also trying to understand and remove the behaviors and thinking that are fucking up my business and my life, because I want to be successful. So don't be worried about me, if you want to send prayers or good vibes my way I would appreciate it.

Okay so I am trying to take this as seriously as I possibly can. I am not trying to be a furry edgelord.

The idea of first considering changing my gender was in high school. I really REALLY thought about it one day, and decided against it.

But with everything going on in my life, and the revelations I have been hit with, I am finally accepting a side of me I felt I had to keep in the dark.

Yesterday I decided if I was going to embrace the bisexual side of me, that I was also going to embrace the side of me that has always wanted to be a woman.

Now, I am not sure where this thing will go, and what the end will look like. I also like being a guy, honestly, I am in touch with my masculinity... I like being able to fight. But there is DEFINITELY a side of me that wants to experience life as a female. Go out and have fun as her.

I still don't know where a lot of this is going. However, I do know, a lot of my empathy for my fellow man has been locked away in the same closet as my bisexuality and gender dysphoria. As I accept it, my attitude softens and I am more understanding of people and their malfunctions. I am growing a LOT more mature. I am understanding more, about people and about myself. It is so freeing.

Examining my past, I feel like God had a path for me that was likely heterosexual, and monogamous. But, because I was abused by both parents, and my peers, my developing mind, unable and unequipped to handle the soul killing damage that was being done to me, went to other places in my mind and soul.

I was literally forced off of the ideal road of my assigned destiny. About God, Jesus, and religion, I am at peace with my Creator. I believe in my heart of hearts that God does still love me, and He does understand where I am at. He is willing to either work me through this, or make a new path, but one thing is for sure, I don't have much to offer any woman until this stuff is worked out.

That said, I am going to be making a female 'Sona. I think I will call her Nikki. She is going to be soft, tender, caring, gentle, and empathic. A loving woman. It's funny, my ex mate told me I hated myself, and a lot of my problems stemmed from having no self worth. As I think about Nikki, I see her as a soft, tender, compassionate side of me. I see her, and I want to care for her... To love her and treat her with compassion and kindness.

Could she be the side of me that has never experienced self love? Could that part of me have been locked away for so long, getting in touch with her, caring for her, nurturing her will help my psyche heal from all the trauma of the past? I am starting to think so.

I want to say this. If anyone reading this journal wants to come out of the closet because you feel empowered- please don't unless you have considered it for a long, long time. This is a life-altering decision that can end in utter disaster, heartache, and even death. It is not, and never should be taken lightly. There are countries where being caught in a homosexual act will get you executed. There are people who will end your life in my country if you are dressed as a woman and they find out you still have your male parts. I think too many people take this too lightly.

I saw a video of MtF men who had the final surgery, then later wanted to go back- and couldn't. There is no "Going back" surgery for them. Not yet. They were at peace with themselves, one was even married to a woman, but I have to be real with myself and what might happen. I might get beat up in a bar, attacked in a women's restroom, I have to be ready for that.

Personally, I've examined myself, and I have struggled desperately all of my life, trying to figure myself out, and right now, this transition is absolutely necessary to my mental health, and spiritual health. Anyone who believes God cannot be with me denies His omnipotence, and that His Spirit can be poured out on all flesh, as it says in the Bible. This is the final age, one of salvation found everywhere, not just inside churches any more.

Bold statement, but the only other alternative is working with a picky, angry God to earn the free gift of salvation and "Be a good boy" because only good people who are free of sin make it to heaven. Like I said before, if you have something judgmental/religious/damning to say, please use that moment of your life on something that will actually make a difference.

Thank you for reading.

At least on here.

So, me and my former mate have separated. She is a woman, with 2 kids, and we tried to make it work. I was completely honest with her about my past struggles and sexual hangups/experimentation from the beginning. I was so honest, in fact, that it scared her and she stayed away from me for a little over a year, then contacted me when she needed the help of a guy who could go full mercenary on someone's ass (Actual work i have done and been trained for), and was decent with tech.

So, I helped her out of a pretty awful situation, and one night, we just got to talking. We talked for a long time, and I felt like, a connection was made.

Shortly after, we decided to give "us" a go.

It caused all sorts of division with all sorts of people, so eventually she, and her kids, moved in with me.

I did my best to provide for them and keep them safe. It was hard, because my fledgling business is still struggling to make ends meet, but I did do my best and tried not to withhold anything that could benefit them.

Now, keep in mind, I recently found out (I do not remember my childhood, but a friend of the family told me! When he said it suddenly my entire life made sense! All my struggles, EVERYTHING!) that I was severely abused by both my parents, even sexually, and one of them felt so bad they were actually trying to get me to commit suicide! I wondered why this person had such an ability to destroy me at the drop of a hat...

I was abused also, by both sexes, especially cruelly abused by females, a lot, growing up, and am even occasionally treated spitefully now.

I went from being a misogynist (Hating all women) to adopting the MGTOW (Look it up. It is a philosophy of men who reject traditional gender roles) philosophy as I struggled with crippling loneliness and homosexuality.

All of my life I have struggled with a desire for men, as I viewed women as cruel and hateful in their cores (I don't any more. Not since my ex), plus the fact that I just enjoyed the intimacy...

So my ex and I would argue a LOT, as I sorted through my own trauma, and kept putting her into the mold of my exes and how they treated me, not realizing she was a completely different woman, and a good woman. I am only now realizing this.

Towards the end she said I did not really love or want her, and that I was with her and the kids because, as she said, I thought it was what I wanted, but I do not.

I would argue with her passionately about how wrong she is, but in the end, she was actually right. About everything.

As I was totally honest with her about my struggles, I had been tempted severely after a few arguments we had, to meet up with a guy from a gay app, and, I was too afraid to delete my account before then, I only deleted the app, so I got so tired of being tempted by it that I downloaded the app and deleted the account and backup. I briefly chatted with a guy, just to try and sort through those feelings.

It took a lot of soul searching and working with my Creator to finally realize that she was right. I still have massive feelings and attraction to men.

Do I like women, yes, absolutely. The feminine form appeals to my instincts. I guess that makes me bisexual.

She was not willing to wait around for me to sort out my stuff with men, as I told her, this is a thing I must do, even if it kills me, the other option is to remain celibate (Tried for 40 years, passionately so. Doesn't work.) or be with a woman and also men on the side, or something like that- something she considered but wasn't willing to embark on.

She is a very attractive woman, with one of the most beautiful hearts and souls I have ever seen, and she is used to being wanted, badly by men. I was not able to give that to her, especially how the woman before her ripped my heart out and my soul to shreds. Given time, likely I could have given her what she wanted, but she had had enough. I was an "Emotional roller coaster" and as she said, she "Wanted off."

The alternative, if I do not work this guy stuff out somehow, is that in 30 years I tell her I am leaving her for another man, because those feelings never got worked out, and pushing them down only makes them stronger, but in the dark.

Working with my Creator I have come SO FAR in my understanding of myself, the opposite sex, and my own sex. I now no longer hate women or harbor any active resentment towards them, as I grow to understand they are just people trying to survive and cope the best they can. There is still darkness and resentment I will have to deal with here and there, but the root of it all has been struck down, which is a good thing.

I am grieved about how good a woman my ex is, and how I did not see that until after we split up. She is truly a wonderful person and I grieve over what might have been. However, unless this root of same-sex attraction is dealt with, I have nothing to offer her, or any woman, unless she is willing to "share" me, and I don't know of too many women willing to do that.

That said, the kids bonded to me severely, and I do love them. We both agreed that while she has moved out, the kids stay in my life. I look forward to mentoring them, teaching them survival skills, shooting skills, fighting skills, practical life skills that will help them stay safe and competent in this world. Teach them how to cope, as much as I know how, myself. In some ways I am a hot mess, obviously.

So as I explore this, I am doing so from a position of being unafraid and unashamed. I am making friends, and connecting with men who have been shamed their whole lives and struggle with acceptance. It is kind of sad that true human connection on some of these apps is so rare, but it is there for anyone who wants to be real. I also am exploring my own body, which I have abused and injured sexually, and learning to treat myself with kindness, tenderness, and dignity. I think as men we need to be more familiar with our bodies, unashamed, and get to know ourselves better.

About my faith, yes, I know what the Bible says about it. I have read the Bible from cover to cover. As I believe we are living in the last days, I believe Gods grace is poured out onto all flesh, even gays. In a way, I feel like God is with me on this journey, as backwards as that sounds, if God truly does love me, and He is omnipotent, He can see me through this. Please, if you have something religious or disparaging against me or what I am doing, please save it, and use your time on something more constructive.


Edit: We talked yesterday and she admitted to me that she had kept secrets from me. The single secret she revealed made me realize I had carried 85 percent of the relationship while she carried 15 percent. I literally risked my life for her to stand in the gap. But it feels like to her, it was all just a game. A game a child could play and not suffer any consequences. I guess for her there aren't any. But for me, I lost a part of my heart I will never get back.