I just got my internets back. I had no internet connection other than my phone for the last 10 months or so. Missed the interwebz. Missed the fandom...

I'm in Alberta now, operating heavy equipment with my father. I've been off of paxil for about 7 months now. It's a daily struggle, but I love my job, and I don't mind it out here. I found a couple of people I mesh with well and see often. Even in a town of 100 I feel like an outsider, somehow it feels different than before.

My dog, Loki, has been in my mom's care since I left. I miss him terribly. I cry all the time. I should be flying him out here soon, that's the plan. It has to be the plan. I hate myself more every day he's not here. I feel like I failed him and abandoned him... It's not fair.

On the bright side, I have an amazing work environment. I'm pretty much by myself all day. I make enough to pay all of my bills and rent a place to stay, and have a little bit left over for savings once the brunt of my short term expenses are taken care of (flying home to pick up my main man for example).

I can't promise I'll be active on here very much yet. I work a terribly dumb schedule (3am-noon) but I'll be lurking. I still want to go to cons, I miss everyone, the energy, the acceptance. Since I left New Brunswick I've crawled back into my old shell. It's redneck-conservative out here, so I'm not letting my queer-flag fly.

Love y'all. Drop me a line with news if you wish, I'd like hearing from my furry friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

Play this at FC and I'll go ! lollllllllllll

Seriously though... Still kinda debating FC atm.

After some talks with a few close friends, I'm now debating attending FC2014, or... any other edition of Further Confusion.
Don't get me wrong, it's not because I don't love the con, because I do, but I can't defend spending a couple thousand of dollars on a convention when I'm barely able to save up for surgery. And while conventions are greatly beneficial for me, surgery will be a great step towards mental health recovery.
With that said I'm also debating attending any con at all before I can get surgery. I feel like attending cons will just push d-day for longer than it should. It's been too long already.
The other reasoning behind attending a different con is my interest in branching out. While CATSing and fursuiting have both been kind to me, I'd like to get into cosplaying, and I feel like a con where I can do all of it at once would be best suited to my needs.

So, with all of this in mind, my next tentative convention will be DC*2014.

If things change, I'll be sure to give you a heads up.

Much love, miss you all deeply.

~T

Any body going???

I'd like to pick one of the two this year to attend on top of FCEH :)

I'm fucken bored okay?? :3

1: What are you wearing? my uottawa hoodie, sweatpants and get this... a fur hat, how very canadian of me
2: Ever been in love? guess so
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? yup
4: How tall are you? 5'3
5: How much do you weigh? I'm not sure, maybe 118?
6: Any tattoos do you want? Can't wait for my chest piece. God damn
7: Any piercings that you want? I might get my snakebites redone. Or get my septum. Or nose. Idk
8: OTP? I'm not hardcore follower of any fandom, so idk
9: Favorite Show? Survivor
10: Favorite bands? Slipknot, Fall Out boy (shut up), DMB
11: Something you miss? Horses. Going to sleep with no worries. Holding hands
12: Favorite song? Vermillion pt 2 - Slipknot (all time), or recently Have faith in me - A day to remember
13: How old are you? 23 schmakamoose
14: Zodiac sign? sagittarius
15: Hair Color? brown
16: Favorite Quote? "Happiness is a hard fought war, you just gotta learn to pick your battles"
17: Favorite singer? Corey Taylor
18: Favorite color? Purple
19: Loud music or soft? Usually loud. I like soft sometimes, too. But my favorite is when they crash into each other.
20: Where do you go when you're sad? Driving
21: How long does it take you to shower? 20 mins
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 5 mins if I really need to leave
23: Ever been in a physical fight? Many
24: Turn on? Tattoos. Protectiveness/slight jealousy. Dark hair and light eyes. Aesthetics, brah.
25: Turn off? Momma's boy.
26: The reason I joined FA? Keep up with people I meet at FC
27: Fears? Needles. Death. Getting old.
28: Last thing that made you cry? Was sent that a day to remember song, and was told "that's what you are to me babe, I'll never let you go"
29: Last time you cried? last night
30: Meaning behind your name? Trickster
31: Last book you read? Psychologie du Comportement
32: Last song you listened to? Have faith in me - ADTR
33: Last show you watched? Supernatural
34: Last person you talked to? Mum
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Buddies
36: Favorite food? Poutine
37: Place you want to visit? New Zealand
38: Last place you were? Mum's house
39: Do you have a crush? I do
40: Last time you kissed someone? Jan.
41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? Last night. It was about me being trans
42: What color underwear are you wearing? Gray
43: What color shirt are you wearing? Blue
44: What color bottoms are you wearing? Gray
45: Wearing any bracelets? Nope
46: Last sport you played? Bowling
47: Last song you sang? my own, le delinquant
48: Last prank call you remember doing? none. I answer my phone with restaurant names a lot tho
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? couple days ago
50: Favorite movie? Too many to list. All the horse and marvel movies.

With my gender identity bursting out of every seam, I knew I needed a more male-identified character to go along with it. DON'T WORRY, Trixie will always be there, but I feel like I need a suit I can feel strong, confident and manly in.

I present! (I can't draw, but I might try) TANQUERAY, the blue merle english bull terrier. Named after my favorite alcoholz, will represent the darker side of me. The endearing asshole everyone calls me out on. Line-up, ladies and fellahs, there's an endless supply of confidently raised eyebrows, and cocky side grins to make you swoon for days comin' your way.

I'll try and keep this as short and concise as I possibly can!

Thursday: Got delayed by a half a day. Had the worst travel luck ever, slept in L.A.

Friday: Arrived in the morning, met up with the roomies, had breakfast, immediately suited up. Eventually ran into ALL of the Cats crew and more. Ate pita pit. Went for some pictures with Temp and Pounce, heard all the cock jokes. Got a hold of Syntaxx, dragged him out to dance, stayed 'til close.

Saturday: More suiting. Fursuit parade. Then go out of suit, to meet up with Syntaxx and a couple others at the park to show 'em how to handle the D. Ran into Hallet, Corran, Yawni, took photos. Started drinking pretty early, met up with Syntaxx and had a nice chat over dinner and eventually drinks. Met up with some more folks and made it to Frolic - cue not remembering anything - drank some more, danced, left (I'm guessing after being told to cut it out) went to the actual FC dance, hopped up on stage 'til close. -cue remembering the rest of the night til I passed out- :)

Sunday: Woke up early, suited up with the Blaez army! Got more pita. Spent a couple hours watching football with Syntaxx and hanging out before he left :( met up with Hallet, GOT TAGGED MAHFAHCKHAS and eventually Yawni and Corran. Found herbal intoxication. Went for sushi with an army of furs. Danced. *finally* ran into Dexcat!

Monday: Found the roomies and the remainder of the Cats crew. Went for lunch. Ze Nox and Tall One made it out for one last sushi dinner and brew sampling. Packed and left in the morning.

Special mentions to Foxgrrl, all the people whom I've met for the first time and can't recall their names (I'm such shit with names!) I swear I love you.

I know I'm leaving out a TON of stuff, but I think I've got the important stuff out of the way. Now I just need to make sure that Syntaxx can make it for longer than 48hours next year <3

Well I'm all packed up. Unfortunately, no cat for me this year :( With me being more self-concious about my body by the day, I figured I'd just skip the chance of getting a panic attack at FC and just haul Trixie and wear the shit out of her!

SEE YOU THERE MATHAFACKAS!

Trigger warning for self hatred and all that bullshit.

the past 36 hours have been some of the most mind fucking I've ever known. Happy to see my friend/soulmate, and yet... I'll cut the extra bullshit out and get to where my entire world just fell apart.

And then shows me a picture and says “this is my dream girl - no offense”.
I died. I just died.
He kept saying how in 6 or 7 years, when HER life settles down, maybe they could date or something. That he’s way too jealous a person to be with her while she models, and guys are lusting after her.
“you don’t seem that jealous to me”
“that’s because you haven’t dated me” as he headed outside for a smoke. And as he closed the door, I mumbled “maybe, but I wish”.
I’m not the girl of his dreams. Why does that hurt so much? Because I’ll never be the girl he fell in love with again. I’ll never be the pretty face he pointed out as “beautiful” in those pictures on my fridge. “don’t get jealous” he said, smiling. How could I not. Unlike this girl, I was never told he wanted to date me. The time he spent here, was the first time he was ever romantic and otherwise gentle with me.
I’ve been faced with the cold hard truth. The entirety of my coming out I thought I had someone on my side. Now I wonder if anyone will ever love me enough or at all. How could they. I’m just a worthless piece of gender confused shit. And here I go again, weighing my options. Would I rather die and save myself the trouble, or would I rather live as a girl and spare the people around me.

With FC just a couple days away... I just
I don't even know

Apparently the violent headaches and nausea I've been getting since I started the antiobiotics are all just make belief in my own head, according to my mom. She says if I hadn't read the list of side effects, I wouldn't be hurting right now because the drug couldn't possibly be the thing making me hurt.

Seriously? Take me out of work to go to the ER with me, and now I'm fakin it?

THANKS MOM.

For the past few days: I’ve had sharp abdominal pain, nausea, headaches, minor dizziness, on and off pain in my right side groin, and just miserable in general. Can’t wait for friday to get here so I can go to the clinic.

I never stops. It never fuckin' stops. There's ALWAYS something going on with me health-wise. Granted it's not deadly, but it's most definitely debilitating. I've missed countless days of school and work over the past 7 years because I couldn't physically get out of bed.

I just want it all to go away. I don't want to be scared to be out somewhere I don't know well or with few restrooms or without my own transportation to leave if the need comes up. I don't want to be scared that I'll faint either while driving or when I'm alone. I don't want to be told again that there's "nothing they can do" and that I just need to learn to "deal with it".

I just can't do this anymore.

Rant ahead.

So I was just browsing my facebook earlier, minding my own business, and came upon someone from these parts of New Brunswick (french speaking) complaining that she got ticketed by a cop in Alberta (where she now resides) and the motherfucker wouldn't even offer her service in French! Can you believe it? A police officer in an officially english speaking province didn't offer her service in her mother tongue! GOODNESS ME HOW COULD THAT BE?!?!?!?! smdh

There is a law forcing officers HERE to offer service in both the province's official languages, but we are still the only officially bilingual province in Canada. I think it's a little retarded to expect to go to another province and expect them to offer service in something OTHER than the official language. Sure, if you ask, they generally will find you someone to either translate, or come, etc. but you need to ask. And even then, it's a policy, not a law, and therefore not a requirement.

The solution? If you're going to move somewhere, anywhere, LEARN THE FUCKIN' LANGUAGE. And this goes for everyone. IE: I won't go to Spain and just expect people to serve me in english or french, if they do, great. If they don't; I have no business being mad. It's MY fault if I didn't learn the language. Now, if you choose not to learn it... Then don't get your fuckin' panties in a bunch when the people around you don't make the effort to get you to understand shit. Afterall, you aren't either. The only difference is: you made a conscious decision to move there.

/end rant.

People piss me the fuck off.

My kigurumi has been altered (I CAN SLEEP NAO)

And I will try to tackle my first set of feet paws sometime tomorrow or the day after. :3

I know today is supposed to be happy, but it's not.

I was told directly last night that a friend revealed the biggest secret I hold, to someone I had no intention of ever telling, in a roomful of our acquaintances. I WAS OUTED, without my consent. What the flying fuck's up with that?!

I feel betrayed, ashamed... I wasn't ready for all the details to come out, I wasn't ready for the questions that followed it from people who didn't know what was happening. I wasn't ready.

Stabbing myself in the neck sounds like a pretty fuckin' dandy idea at the moment. But, that's not my style, however, someone's getting a talking to. I couldn't careless if they hate me, I've already lost my friend - he's as good as dead to me.

Only me! It's 1pm on NYE, and guess what I'll be doing? Yep. I have to buy liquor for an overdue gift, and groceries. I literally have NOTHING to eat, and couldn't hit the store yesterday because I was mahfackin' snowed in.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

LOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

this, the last unicorn and the original fantasia where my favorite movies as a kid! <3 I haven't watched this one since though. AW <3

Where are you staying?
Uhm.. Marriott I think?

-Means of transportation
Plane!

-Sharing a room with
Wink and Ono

-Gender
Neutral

-Relationship Status
Single as fuck

-How old are you?
23

-How tall are you?
5'3

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
Running around! Say hi! Hugs are welcome, please no picking up unless I know you REALLY well.

Who will you be with?
Everyone who wants to chill!

Do you do free art?
I can't draw D:

Do you do trades?
I still can't draw D: unless you want a shit drawing from me lol

Do you do commissions?
I would be open to take on commissions for painted unitards only. The only talent I have lol

Do you have prints/ CDs ?
Nawh

Can I touch you?
If you're not creepy or smelly.

Can I talk to you?
Sure

Can I buy you lots of drinks?
Not unless I know you.

Do you smoke?
Occasionally.

Can I give you lots of money?
No.

Can I hug or snuggle with you?
Hugs are cool, if at least one of us is in suit or I already know you. Snuggles, we'll see.

Are you nice?
I'll make you think I am.

Can I buy you food and/or eat meals with you?
I snack more than I eat, but yea sure.

Can I give you presents?
Eeeh.

Can I hang with you in your room?
Off limits. Pre-FC friends only (or friends of friends)

Can I dance with you at the dances?
Yes. As long as you're not trying to feel me up or dry hump me, we'll be fine.

-Stage or public performance?
Nah.

Can I invite you to parties?
Of course.

- Cliquey?
Not really. I'm starting to enjoy my "alone" time at FC, to meet more people like you!

- Personality Type
Out of suit, loud, a little shy and awkward at first.
In suit I'm just a cheeky fuck.

- Will you get anything commissioned?
Yes :)

- How can I get your attention?
I'm oblivious to a lot of things, so you might have to tap me on the shoulder.

-Panels?
Maybe.

Fuckin' eh! Be on the lookout for this canuck! Yep, tickets are bought, I was kindly offered a place to crash...

I'm gonna fucking be there! It didn't quite sink in until a minute ago, and I'm pretty sure happy tears are starting to fill my eyes. I have been needing a break like this SO badly. No drama. No bullshit. Just me, some friends, some fun, some booze. Woop!

Anyone 420 friendly gonna be there? I'd love a hookup..

OMG I MADE A TAIL GAIS.

:O

I've been asked by a woman I know to take pictures of her family today, and my cousin needs someone to take pictures of pageant participants tomorrow.

Dafuq? But I'll take it, since they're willing to pay.

Dealing with my depression has taken a toll in the past year and a half. I've been feeling extremely lethargic of late, and being stuck with no money and not getting calls back for jobs isn't making anything easier.

I've just been trying to find some sort of craft that appeals to me. But it seems as though I have no manual talents.

Enough of the whinnyfaggotry.

I'm still alive, I'm always around, lurking. Eventually I'll be back full force, don't hold your breath tho.

Shamelessly stolen from Eekay

1. Do you sleep in your bra? - No

2. Do you sleep with socks on? - Sometimes, especially in winter. Thick wooly socks are amazin.

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else? - I'm always happiest sharing; wether it be with a teddy bear, dog or person.

4. Do you enjoy drama? - I'm guilty of enjoying other people's drama. It amuses me. I'm not a fan of it in my own life.

5. Are you a girly-girl? - Uhm.. no.

6. Who was the last person you hugged? - Date

7. Small or large purse? - Medium

8. Are you short? Yep. 5'3

9. Do you like somebody? - I did.

10.Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? - lol. fuck no

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty? - Yes. Socks are the one thing i refuse to wear two days in a row. With toms it's not really a problem tho, always barefoot in my toms.

12. Do you think you’re conceited? - Probably

13. Do you dress up on Halloween? - Who on here doesn't? SRSLY

14. Are you double jointed? - No

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept? - Next to a river on the rocks. Brutal

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours? - No.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you? - There's always rumors going on about me. Making them up is pretty much a sport.

18. Do you call anybody by their last name? - Only if it's their general nickname

19. How many guys will read this just because it says "Girl Confessions"? - Hallet?

[x] I do wear make up.
[ ] I have cried in a movie theater.
[x] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth.
[x] I get jealous.
[x] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.
[ ] JUDE LAW FAG
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I like death/grind/black metal.
[x] I like rap.
[x] I like techno.
[x] I like country.
[x* not always] I carry a purse.
[x] I'd be lost without my computer.
[ ] I own a Spice Girls CD.
[ ] I own a Britney Spears CD.
[ ] I own a boy band CD.
[ ] I get bored watching football.
[ ] I've never been called a spoiled brat.
[x] Guys are confusing.
[x] I've been called a bad influence
[x] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.


Come on ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing? - Sparkly leopard print FTW

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? - Dark.

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? - Ye

4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them? - Be honest.

5. Do you have a best friend? - Yep.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery? - Indeed I have.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend from you? - No.

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? - Yes.

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys? - Haha. Always have, always will.

13. How long have you had a facebook? - 6 years?

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face? - Ye

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?" - No, not in the sense that it will happen again, though I agree that label is gonna stick for a while

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something? - Ye. Like, dropping out of university.

20. Do you ever wish you were famous? - Sometimes

THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE:

Cowboy or Gangster?
Cowboys, obv.

Preppy or Punk?
Punk. Oh sweet jesus. With 1" plugs and tattoos please.

Face or Body?
Body, I mean without him being unbearably ugly. I'm a suck for bodies, but when covered in tattoos, I don't seem to mind the missing muscles quite as much.

Good cook or take you out a lot?
Good cook.

Sweet or sexy?
Sexy.

Armani or Abercrombie?
Neither. Can we get some LRG up in 'er?

Contacts or glasses?
Contacts.

Yep, yours truly has been 22 for about the last 2 hours now. Feels weird to get older.

I got ditched for hanging out, but had a pleasant surprise with an impromptu skype call from too very good friends of mine, followed by a second skype call from a friend in seattle. It made me realize that distance doesn't dictate the value of friendship. And some people out there actually cared to be there on my birthday, no matter how short a time, or that they were just on my computer screen.

Here's to great friends, here's to getting wiser.

Cheers.
Trix

So as some of you may already know, I will not be able to attend FC12.

I was speaking to my mom, and it surprised me to see how heartbroken I was. And she told me that after all, the people that I made friends with were kinda like my family. And she's right, I will miss seeing each and everyone of you this year.

On a happier note, I'm focused on making FC13 happen. And if all goes well, I might attend a few other cons, closer to home, between now and then.

I love you all, tear it up for me will ya?

-Trix