I'm impressed at how much my memory has betrayed me.

After I blew up, I've been looking through a lot of my old stuff and the things I've done over the years. I wasn't just an asshole a few weeks ago-- I've been an asshole my whole life! Not just an asshole, though... a narcissistic asshole. A narcissistic hypocritical asshole! There's a lot of stuff I've done that's been basically a call for attention or-- in some round-about fashion-- was intended to be a deflection from or an inflation of my ego. Shit, I thought everything I was doing was for humor's sake or even for fun. But then I look back on it now that I have a clear head after having quite literally destroyed my old self and... wow. I have a track record of being a total and utter... well, faggot! Some of you may not feel that way, but I do-- there's a lot of things I've done that I just find either downright shameful or just generally assholish, snobbish or incredibly arrogant.

I've been so insecure about myself that I've let myself get into terrible positions and have spent more of my time lashing out at others than actually looking at myself. I thought I had figured this out years ago... but apparently not. I had to not only paint myself into a corner in multiple ways offline, but I also had to have what was essentially a nervous breakdown in public before I realized how much of an asshole I've really been being for the past few years. If it wasn't toward someone, it was toward a thing or an idea. And it didn't even matter how much I really knew about the thing I was angry about! It's fascinating what you do when you hate who you are.

I think this is The Thing that I haven't been able to "get over" since I drama'd all over the place. A lot of ya'll don't know it but I've been struggling hardcore over what I did. Everything I did was an attack on myself more than anything. I didn't want to be a hypocrite because I was already a hypocrite in multiple regards. (I know that everyone's a hypocrite in their own regard, but that's really not an excuse in my opinion.) I lashed out at the insecurity and the state of the site because-- for the most part-- I was insecure about myself. All that vitriol, all those threats, coupled with the fact that I pretty much hate myself? That's not just sad-- it's pretty laughable. Not to mention that it manifests itself as multiple attempts to get other people to like me because I don't like me-- that's lead down a pretty hilarious path in itself. :)

Someone suggested that I just write this on paper and let it be. I disagree for the most part-- I feel like I have to admit this publicly, because I've been an asshole and a showman to a whole lot of people for a long, long time. It leaves such a miserable taste in my mouth nowadays. The only thing I can do is apologize and forgive myself for the shit I've done. So, that's what this all is, I suppose-- an apology for generally being a dick and an attempt to forgive myself as a result.

At least some words on the Internet are dynamic instead of static. I'm sure they exist somewhere out there on the Internet still, but at least here I can control them. At least there's that.

* the plan I originally drafted is irrelevant, there's more stuff going on than I originally thought. I'd say what those things are, but there's a lot of stuff I still need to detail.
* "accountability" has nothing to do with leaving angry words up on the Internet-- that was a rationalization on my part. so I've deleted some stuff.
* I hate feeling like I have a spotlight on me, even if it wasn't that bright.
* I'm still helping out, but I'm much more quiet/subdued about it.
* patience is key. :)

Over the span of the last journals I've been documenting my predictions about Dragoneer, like a spiteful Internet gypsy. (I'm not going to repost those here, because honestly that sort of stuff needs to stay where it belongs-- Vivisector. But if you'd like an objective view of all of my emotions from the very beginning of this saga, look no further than those dumb posts in my Vivisector thread.) I kept doing this because I was so adamant on proving a point I didn't really get a clear distinction of what I *should* have been doing until I realized that I yelled at a completely innocent person in this whole mess: Damaratus.

Damaratus was exactly the dude who understood me when I went after the site the way I did with the dodongo-roll, then stepped down later... and I still focused my energy on him. You can see that on the "it's happening" journal, where he basically brings me back to reality after my impotent textual rage.

I'm a little upset at making such a powerful attempt to cause a scene. I'm hoping the viewing audience of it wasn't too large. I posted my to Viv, then posted something ominous on FA, then raged, and... ugh. This whole show-and-game bullshit is one of the reasons why I put myself into a knowledged solitude in the first place. I hate the feeling it all inspires. I hate the stupid verbal showmanship and the strategic game of it all. On a carnal level, yes, perhaps it's satisfying-- but psychologically it just feels toxic. It feels so wrong to me.

It's so pointless. It's so anger-inspiring. It's just over-all an extremely irritating sensation-- one to be so angry, two to have such a smug feeling of satisfaction at being right. Why should I feel smug at being right? That's just down-right arrogant. I should feel *pride* in being right, yes-- but not smug. This is kind of what I mean by "being a hippy" now in what I mentioned a while back-- I dislike the general energy that surrounds the dramatic atmosphere. And getting as angry as I did at what I perceived the problem to be brought all of that horrible shit back.

It's like some sort of Roman arena of vitriol and social bloodlust. Fascinating to watch, horrible to perform. I feel a little guilty for what I feel is starting a "social chess" meme. That phrase "social chess" sounds so slimy, so gangsterish.

I'm tired of having to call someone names and be a sort of vitriolic performance artist to get things done when doing so isn't actually getting things done. I'm not getting things done if I'm not doing them, and they're not getting things done if they're being defensive toward my and our collective critical (and name-clad) attacks. So the only thing to do is just to get things done, no matter what *anyone* says. We're at a stalemate where no one has made any substantial moves, blockading ourselves by our allied lines. Both of us. I'm angry at the clique and the
clique is angry at me. So, fuck the anger, I'm subverting it: I'm just gonna get shit done.

That's really it. So that's what I started doing as of Saturday afternoon. Hopefully this will go places.

To anyone who was expecting more excitement... it ends here. I'm over it now. I made some dumbass threats and said some dumbass things and now I gotta own up to them. The feeling's past, luckily. Whatever happens, I accept the consequences-- I am the one who has caused them with my continued, aggressive vitriol, and I should expect repercussions for any actions which may come. Yes, it's true-- I'm a paper tiger. :)

The only thing to really do now is lead by example. Saying things like "I am leading a coup"-- while really, really entertaining to say-- will probably just lead to more coups. Not helpful!

I'm very interested in watching how my emotions have changed throughout this saga now. Today, I'm finding this mentality positively fascinating:

I am trying very hard to be proven wrong here. I don't want to be right. I really want this to be a figment of my imagination-- hence why I am dictating everything I can think of that may happen based on my perceived paranoid mentality toward the administration. for the love of god, Dragoneer, respond to me in an honest way so I may walk away with my head in shame, so that I may walk away shaking my head and REGRETTING that I attacked you so harshly. make me feel the pain of being wrong.

I wrote this yesterday. This was a few hours before Damaratus smacked me back into reality after being so positively blinded by my anger. I'd really like to thank him, because if it wasn't for this I don't think I would have started actually acting on what I want to see changed. It's rather brazenly obvious that I'm angry-- but it sure doesn't look like I'm trying to enact change by being angry. That's sure worked over the years, hasn't it?

I'm sorry about all the name-calling. I'm sorry about all the showmanship. I think I finally understand exactly the mentality Dragoneer is going through that causes his image to appear in the way that I feel it does to the cynical, and I no longer think it has anything to do with malicious intent. I talked to GHDA tonight to hopefully get some legitimate talks going (dude messaged me out of nowhere, it was awesome-- he basically just talked to me on the level about what people think about me, Pi and Eevee and all our anger, basically confirming the path I've already started
trying to take is the right one). It was kind of an awesome omen-- I didn't even know he knew Dragoneer. So, hopefully he'll be a crucial part in really going forward with getting all this fixed. I'm going to be apologizing to Dragoneer directly in the future, because I feel he deserves it for my acting on the mild misinterpretation of his actions. (The "mild twist" is that one of those emotions is completely deserving of vitriol-- which is why I attacked it-- but the other is something that needs to be nurtured and pointed out in a constructive way due to its personal nature. This is why there is such a mild twist to it-- they both seem to result in the same set of actions, but one *actually* causes malice, while the other just makes it *look* like malice if the right filter is applied. Unfortunately, that
filter was, indeed, applied.) It's unfortunate that I had to get *this* angry to actually get some true clarity into the situation, but thankfully it will result in greater understanding by everyone involved. For now, I think apologizing on the same forum I started all the vitriol in to begin with is sufficient enough.

Going to reiterate this in its own paragraph: I'm sorry for doing things the way I just did. It's just the same old story everyone's already heard before, and it just proves the reputation I myself have apparently garnered of being all talk and no walk. I kind of suffered from the same problem Dragoneer claims to have a lot: "no one asked me." I felt I deserved to be asked what my plan was, what my credibility was. So blinded by anger, I didn't stop to think that maybe I should *present* instead. I hope the lot of you listening (reading) can take this lesson out of this,
too, if things do wind up getting repaired in the end.

I'm starting to think that everything is really based on a presumptive chicken-egg problem: the administrators have a concern-- whether logical or not-- that we have the intent to make fun of them, because we have been making fun of them, even if we believe the mockery is justified. If we're holding them to prior standards, it's only fair to look at ourselves to do the same in this situation when determining potential future interactions in order to actually accomplish the change we are trying to perform. Considering my hot-headedness in the past, Dragoneer will consider
what I'm doing as a brazen attempt to attack his character. This is understandable, considering how voracious I was in the previous documents. Hopefully he'll understand that the anger has past and I am willing to make mutual amends
for anything said which may be based on misinterpretation and age-old presumptions, of which I try to demonstrate by showing that I do in fact have a plan to fix the site.

I hope that, in turn, the administration understands that we've been just kind of watching in awe as horrible mistakes are made, as we've tried to make suggestions that seemed to simply be ignored over the span of all these years, and all we want to do is fix them. We've felt helpless-- hence the emotional bout of words that have lasted almost years now.

I'm glad the drama-train never actually seemed to leave the station-- I think Eevee is mostly responsible for this. This means that I get to minimize the damage of all of my previously-made presumptions-- it's just at the cost of my sense of pride. I'm okay with this. After all, I've been so brutally angry about honesty in here-- it's only fair that I let honesty override pride in the end. Next time I start flying off the handle and start making threats of coups and political usurpance I expect you motherfuckers to point the finger, laugh and bring me back down to earth. :)

In summation: Dragoneer is a very easy target. However, he's the wrong target, and collectively we should all just aim for the correct target in this situation: getting shit done. Just set shit aside and get shit done. That's what everyone really cares about here.