"Baby... I need my knife back, please." I whimpered and whined to my fiance. My eyes were red and my hair was a mess as I sat kneeling at the edge of the couch near him. I was half stoned, and coming down quickly. He had taken it away from me because I was using it to hurt myself. I stared at the palm of my hand, digging at it with one of my acrylic nails. I felt as if a bug had burrowed deep into my palm and was making it's way up my forearm. It was driving me insane. Joey shook his head and took my chin in his hand.
"You're so pretty." He smiled. The same way he always does. "Why would I want you to scar yourself up..?" He kissed my on my forehead and hugged me protectively. "I'm sorry..." He whispered to me softly. "I can't give it back to you... I don't want you to hurt yourself." He took my hand and kisses it softly.
"...god, I love you." I rested my head in him lap and he petted my head softly.

I poke at my hand right now and I can still feel the soreness from digging at my hand for hours and hours. It's ridiculous.

College starts in 16 days.. and.. I'm excited. Really. I mean, I didn't even know I was going to graduate until I was jumping up and down with my peers underneath the fireworks that night... and it's nothing until now, the day after the first day of school it hit me.

I'm not a high school student anymore. It's been so long.

I feel abandoned and alone... sort of. I just feel like I don't know what to do.

I changed my birth control recently. I'm a lot happier, actually. Really. My other stuff made me depressed. Umm.. I don't know what else to write about... I lost my train of thought...

Joey. My life. My soul mate. My lover. I want to die in his arms. He's amazing, cute, hilarious... and everything to me.. and when we get angry with each other, we end up back in eachother's arms after 5 minutes. I can't be mad at that face. I can't be mad at that voice. I think about him constantly... he calls to tell me goodnight and that he loves me. When I see him, he holds me for 10 minutes straight.. or... until Alani breaks something...

I'm having a fucking break down.

I'm worn out, hot, upset, angry, annoyed, irritated... I don't know what's wrong with me, really... I mean, I looked in the mirror and almost started crying because I'm so morbidly and disgustingly fat... Oh my god, I never want to eat again. I'm so tired and sad and alone right now... I want to cry. I just...

I want Joey. I want him here. I haven't seen him in days and I miss him... I miss having a friend talking to me all the time..

I don't have any friends anymore...

The only thing my life consists of now is drawing, Ragnarok, and trying not to eat. That's it. I have nothing going for me until I see Joey. Then my life just.. turns completely around and I'm happy. He makes me feel amazing... like a princess...

I could go on and on, but... I don't know. It's taken me about.. 2 whole days to get up to this point, and frankly, I don't even know why I wanted to write a blog... I'm blank. I try to fill it with things as often as I can so that I can actually have an entry, but... I don't know. I lose my muse. What the hell is happening to me..? I feel like I'm physically... melting...

Just.... melting the fuck away. Ugh.

I need a cigarette.