It isn't easy to talk about your personal shortcomings, especially if they hurt not just yourself but also others. At least for me, hurting or discomforting others is what drives me up the wall and gives me anxiety beyond despair. But that also means, the moment my own shortcomings are inconveniencing others, I become even more dysfunctional and keep making things worse. The Gordian knot in my brain will tighten more and more, and I don't have the strength to lift a sword and just cut it.

I won't bore you with my story about how difficult the last 4 years of my life have been. They were, and they traumatized me in many ways. Some I could immediately see and others I am only realizing now. Some I think I have mostly worked through and can cope with, others, it still might take me years to come to terms with. But the matter of fact is: I am not okay.
I know that and am doing my best to change that.

Regardless of the details, I am aware that I cannot create like I used to. And that kills me a little more everyday.

I have 14 unfinished stories, poems and novels of varying length lying around.
I have 3 unfinished TTRPG projects staring at me from the backlog of my Drive.
I have countless personal art projects screaming at me.
And I have about a dozen or so commissions, requests and/or trades open and festering in various states of progress.

Some of these have been this way for years. And I haven't forgotten any of them.

On the bright side, I have still managed to fulfill a tremendous amount of 'contracts' over the past years. I also managed to participate in Art fight each year, which refills a lot of my spoons despite rarely getting anything in return from strangers, only my friends. But I guess it's the no-commitment type of thing I need to be able to release some of the bottled-up creative juices.
Of course this is of little to no help to those whose contracts I did NOT fulfill.
On the contrary, I am afraid it might feel like adding insult to injury to some of you - no matter if you are waiting for trade returned, a commission finalized or simply an update to any of my stories or art/characters you enjoy. But the reality is, for years now, I am not the master of my own bodily functions anymore. I can sit down and try and pull myself together, but it won't necessarily result in anything beneficial. Not a single project that I took on is lying barren - on the contrary, the longer they lie, the more time I probably spent with them - but to no avail. It is not laziness or avoidance, but despair that keeps me from being creative for myself or others sometimes. And this despair comes in waves and is fickle, has a thousand twists & turns and is by no means within my grasp to simply unravel. Yet here I am, trying everyday to do my best, making baby steps of progress.

I cannot tell you or myself that 2025 will be different. But I can promise you it will be the same. I will never stop fighting. I had high hopes for the past two years and I tried very hard to adjust my creative work schedule around life events to improve my output and tackle critical projects again. If you have seen me create art in any way, then it was the result or part of that tactic. I had some partially success in restoring some of my creativity, but some other projects still fester. All I can say is, I am aware of the problems, I just don't have the power to change everything in a jiffy.

I have to support myself through various means and art is one of them - or I would perish. Financially, psychologically and physically.
You will see me create more art in the future. I want to sit down and establish my own stories and franchises in one way or another and finally finish and publish things. All I ever wanted was to tell stories through art. I am incredibly untalented but that never stopped me. But it also means, it doesn't come easy to me. Creating art costs me more spoons than it gives back, and I need to find a way to change that.

If you are a person who does believe in me - I love you, you have my undying gratitude and you are doing more for me than you will probably ever know by not judging me. If your faith in me is or has been wavering, I cannot blame you. I can only say, please be kind and talk to me before you judge. I am approachable, I am not trying to hide from you, and we will work things out if you help me to do that.

If you are simply a person who wants to support me or is interested in these stories I have to tell and that have been hiding behind the grey mist of banality for so long, please keep an eye out. Follow me on BlueSky and Kofi for now, and help me build something I can be proud of. Something that will make it so, that art will give me spoons again.

Yours truly,
Alexej aka Loki
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Commison queue:

 kaoru_is_here - Seasonal winter drawing of Kaoru - Coloring in progress

 pattarchus &  grey-dragon - noodle sketch - clean-up in progress

 kyian - ref-sheet for Ragenhere - coloring
 Kyian - ref-sheet for Beisa - not started

 shadeba - ref-sheet for Rafael - not started
 shadeba - ref-sheet for Samuel - sketched

 bostitch 'I am perfection' character portrait - not started, yet.