First off, to the dancerfurs group:
No more dancing. I'm done. To anyone who extended friendship and support to me, I'm sorry. I'm not cut out for this, or for being humored and led on to believe I had anything special.

Now to the meat of the post.

Retyped from an iTouch note I made half an hour ago.

I give up.

So here I sit in a shitty gay bar, full of sadness and self loathing after not measuring up in a hip hop dance class, taught by a beautiful, active and no-doubt self loving gay man that I think I wanted to impress. So easily am I defeated. Here I sit after walking twenty blocks of self loathing and disappointment, getting drunk on my credit card and not caring about how much it costs. Here I sit being openly hostile to anyone that makes the grave mistake of entering my personal space (so far I've encountered shock, worry and hostility for it, from three seperate people).
So easily am I defeated and cast into self doubt, hate, and pity. What hope do I have in front of a classroom full of children?
I sit here drunk, unsure, scared and most powerful of all, ANGRY. I am not cut out for this world. I want to cut myself off for good. I want to deaden my heart an soul to everything but my career. What else is worth my time? Every aspect of life thus far has let me down. Emotion, effort and interest have left me humiliated, broken and hateful. There is NOTHING out there for me, save my career.
My likes and interests are a complete and total fraud.
Dancing? Hah. A pitiful attempt at screaming out "love me".
Making art? Dead to me for many years now.
I sit here, finally calm in my surrender. I give up. There is nothing in this world for me besides my devotion to teaching. I will put on my brave mask and I will flip the gemini coin and do my best to be a good teacher. To be a role model, a false idol to kids so maybe they can find what has eluded me.
I sit here, calm in my surrender. Just a hint of aggressive fury under the surface.

And I am finally okay with that.

EDIT: To those of you out there who are fucking idiots, No, I'm not going to hurt myself. Idiots.