The Concept of a Heart-
Chapter Seven-
Imbalanced

Xen slept very poorly that night. The information Aerobolt had given him spiraled around his mind, preventing him from dreaming. Xen was almost afraid to dream in case images of Cloud came up again. He was afraid to face the possibility he was revaera. He almost wished Aerobolt hadn’t told him. He almost wished he never asked. He already had to grapple with the despair that he may not belong anywhere in the Guardians, and then this! This possibility may seal his fate for good. All night, Xen tossed and turned, wondering what he could possibly do about it. He had to deny all possibility whatsoever. And he had to keep a firm mind that he belongs and that he is normal in every conceivable way. He always wanted to be different, but this difference… is contrary to what he expected. No. It cannot be. Xen refused to let it be. No matter what it cannot be true. No matter what it cannot be true… Those seven words reverberated in his mind all night, over and over again until he was certain he could not forget. He was certain that if it was true, he’d be sent to the gates of hell and purgatory…
“Xen wake up… It’s time to go to Hellgates…” Xen felt a bomb of dread explode in his stomach, causing it to collapse into his tail. Was his fear to be confirmed right now!? He could only whimper a resistance; he was too weak and tired to fight back the paws that were dragging him…
“N-no… don’t take me… I… I am not one of them…” he said quietly.
The paws lifted off him. Then Cloud’s voice reached his ears. “What are you talking about? One of whom? Come on Xen, I know you’re tired; I am too, but it is time to leave for Hydyraen,” he said, concerned.
Then Xen was awake with relief. He was safe. Hopefully he’d always be safe… Groggily he wiped the sleepiness in his eyes away. “O-okay… I’m up.” He yawned. He was incredibly tired.
Cloud noticed. “Are you alright Xen? Is something wrong?” he asked, examining Xen.
“What makes you say that…?” Xen asked distantly, still thinking about who he might be.
“Well you are exhausted, your fur is a mess, and you seem very distracted…” Cloud said.
That hard to notice? Xen shook his head, trying to clear it. “Honestly, I am fine…” he lied.
Cloud looked at him closer. “If you say so…” Xen could hear the disbelief in his voice. Cloud clearly knew something was not right.
Xen jumped up and nearly fell over in dizziness. “Look, I’m alright okay!?” he exclaimed half frustrated, half desperate.
Cloud just shrugged. “Well anyway, Aerobolt and Touda are already waiting for us. We should get going,” he said as he started to leave the room. Xen looked at Cloud’s receding tail for a second then thought, ‘Who the hell am I…?’

Wintertime made the desert cold. Xen was surprised at how barely warmer the desert turned out to be compared to the Marsh Plains. Aerobolt had said that though the desert is very hot in the summertime, it was how much rain or snow one gets that determines if it is a desert or not. Nonetheless Xen was also taken aback by the feeling of sand under his paws. Aerobolt smiled at that and told him that a lot of first timers, including himself, were surprised at that. Sand was a sort of rare and unique terrain. Aerobolt also mentioned sandy beaches somewhere further south, but Xen only remembered hearing about and seeing images of the rocky beaches and cliffs north of Myunae nu Eira.
“This is also Kobold Bandit territory. Remember the Kobolds we saw in Empra? Well the ones out here are much more hostile, and will attack you if they think you have valuables on you. They sometimes fight over riches with the… the Shadow Vulpines, but… Like when Arcane took over, they sometimes team up together,” Aerobolt explained. He stopped and looked down. Xen noticed that it was a well-hidden burrow in the sandstone. He would have never noticed that if Aerobolt hadn’t looked down. “This is what you need to look for that signals that a Kobold Bandit hideout may be present. This one is abandoned, before you guys start. Storm, Shade and I were down here confronting them all those months ago…” he drifted off in memory again.
“Oh yeah… I remember hearing Storm calling himself useless when that happened…” Cloud chipped in.
Aerobolt sighed. “Storm should know by now that what had happened could not have been changed. These Bandits are very sneaky; they’ll snatch you away the second your guard is let down enough without you even know they were there. They give Shadow Vulpines a run for their money in terms of stealth. So you three should know to always watch your back?” Aerobolt proposed.
Everyone nodded. Xen took a look behind him, half expecting to see a rat-wolf right in his face, dagger drawn, but breathed a sigh of relief when he saw none.
“Since there were no Bandits in and around Uron, should we be even more careful out here?” Touda asked.
“Under all circumstances we should always be as careful as we can. As I personally found out, they sometimes set up quicksand traps to lure travelers to their lairs. So therefore there might be a quicksand pit somewhere nearby. That was how I found this one, truth be told,” Aerobolt said. Touda nodded in understanding. Then Aerobolt continued. “Keep as vigilant as you can then. Which to the Bandits’ advantages it is difficult due to the environment we are in. Lots of heat in the spring and summer, occasional sandstorms, the fact it takes more than two days to travel through with rest… Bandits can take us when we sleep. So therefore, I hope you got a good nights sleep last night, ‘cause we will not rest until tomorrow night when we reach Ryanda Forest,” Aerobolt said.
Xen felt the bomb explode again. Though not as strong, finding out that no rest for two days after his abysmal nights sleep the previous night might take its toll on him before he’d even get halfway through the desert.

When the moon rose over where the river was, Xen was dragging his paws. He could not stay alert in a mental state that he was in. Now he regretted asking Aerobolt even more about revaera. Because he was so mentally incapacitated at this point, Xen couldn’t help but worry that Kobold Bandits might snatch him away from the group before any of them even notice. He could see Cloud occasionally glancing at him in concern, as if he wanted him to speak out. But Xen refused to seem weak, especially in front of Touda. Touda already had no faith in him, if Xen were to complain now, Touda would be given another reason to keep his feelings. Xen silently pleaded Cloud not to say anything either. Cloud looked reluctant to comply, but he turned around with another concerned look at Xen and kept up with Aerobolt and Touda.
The moon rose higher. Xen was surprised he was not snatched away at this point. So surprised he asked, “Are Kobolds nocturnal?”
Aerobolt looked back at the struggling apprentice. “They are active at all times. Some sleep in the day. Some don’t. They ensure efficiency by having Bandits active at all times. Though it is weird… we’d normally see Bandits by now trying to separate us…” Aerobolt added with slight concern.
Touda looked at Aerobolt. “If they are not in Uron, or here, then where are they? Koboldar?” Koboldar was the Bandits’ main city. Hidden somewhere in the heart of the desert, only the Kobold Warriors seem to know exactly where it is.
“Makes sense, but if they were at Koboldar, could they be plotting something? I mean, we all know that the Bandits are not exactly the brightest minded creatures in existence. Normally they wouldn’t be in one place for so long unless something was up,” Aerobolt explained.
“Do you think it has something to do with the imbalance around Hydyraen? Could they be trying to reunite with the Shadow Vulpines?” Touda pressed on.
Aerobolt sighed. “The possibility stands. In fact, that may very well be what is happening right now. We will get to the bottom of it soon, but for now, it is a mystery that we are safe now. I do not know why, but I have this feeling we actually will not meet any Kobolds until we hit the forest.”
Aerobolt had been right. By sunrise, Xen could see the tree line leading into Ryanda Forest. The entire time, not a trace of the Kobold Bandits had been found. This had worried Aerobolt, but relieved Xen. He would have been an easy picking for any Kobold Bandit. He was on the verge of collapsing at that point. He barely had any comprehension of what was going on. All he could do was put one paw in front of the other to keep walking. He was barely aware of Aerobolt’s nervousness making his fur stand out.
“I sense the imbalance,” he said flatly as the forest grew nearer, the bare leafless trees looking ominous and unwelcoming. “Something is not right on the other side of that forest.”
“A-are you sure?” Cloud asked nervously.
“An imbalance at Hydyraen. The lack of Bandits in the desert. What could possibly be right, Cloud?” Touda asked curtly. Xen knew for one thing. Nervousness and tension makes Touda irritable. He looked at Cloud apologetically.
“We should hurry,” Aerobolt said.
That was enough for Xen. He staggered over and spluttered. “What about a rest? I am way too exhausted to move any further,” at that point he no longer cared what Touda thought.
“Two days straight of walking does a body and mind badly. We do need to rest. But to guarantee our safety, we’ll shelter in the forest,” Aerobolt replied as Touda opened his muzzle.
“Good. Because I am tired too. My paws feel like stone,” Cloud muttered. Xen looked at the apprentice and was glad he was not the only one who felt tired at that point.
It was painful to move through the last of the desert. When the terrain changed from sand to dirt and then to dead grass and finally dead leaves, as soon as they walked past the first tree in Ryanda forest, Xen was done. He collapsed onto the ground. The dead leaves made his pelt itch, but he did not care. As long as he was of his paws, he didn’t care if it was a rock, even the rocks from Myunae nu Eira.
Aerobolt looked at the state of his companions. Only Touda seemed capable of walking further. He was out of breath, but at least he wasn’t lying on the ground like Xen was or sitting down and leaning on a tree gasping for air like Cloud was. “Alright then. We shall rest here for now. Touda could you help me set up the camping gear? May as well. If we travel too much further into the forest, Shadow Vulpines could discover us easily. It is official. We are in their territory now.” As Touda nodded, Aerobolt looked to Cloud and Xen. “I am sorry we made you walk so far in one setting. No apprentice is readily prepared for that. But I had to, to make we all make it through safely. I am proud of you both for holding up so well.” Through Xen’s exhaustion, Aerobolt’s praise made his heart leap happily. Xen was barely an apprentice, and he had a rough night prior to boot. He had a feeling if it was not so, he wouldn’t have had nearly as hard a time as he had. He looked over to Cloud, who just continued breathing, but Xen could see his handsome golden eyes were gleaming with pride.
The cold winds drifted along slowly from inside of the forest, blowing some of the dead leaves by. The sound was peaceful. The feeling was not. The cold air it only chilled Xen, but he could feel the darkness behind it, as if the imbalance was touching him too. Like the air inside the forest was desperate to escape the foreboding atmosphere surrounding it. As Touda finished pitching the tent, Xen was on the verge of sleep despite the chilling breeze. He could not move into the tent himself at this point. As he slipped away, he was shameful for letting that happen in front of Touda.

His dreams were haunted. He could hear and feel the cold winds of the night carrying a voice. It said the same words over and over. ‘No matter what it can’t be true… no matter what it can’t be true…’ Those seven words again! Before Xen could dwell on them, he saw an image of Cloud float into his subconscious. Xen couldn’t control how he felt anymore. His admiration went up a notch. Cloud looked downright handsome in the moonlight. The voices changed. ‘No matter what it is true! No matter what it is true!’ It seemed that Cloud himself was saying those words. Those words that Xen dreaded all along! No! It cannot be! Xen tried to turn away from the image of Cloud and gasped at what he saw. As his gasp echoed, he saw it. The one that broke the last straw. He and Cloud sitting together, holding handpaws. They looked happy together… at peace… despite everything that that defined their relationship. ‘No! Stop! I am NOT revaera! Leave me alone!’ Xen tried to yell, but he could not even hear his own voice. Then the image changed. This one demolished what was left of the last straw. Cloud and Xen seemed to move forward for a kiss, handpaws still clasped together. Xen closed his eyes whining. That! That was not who he was! ‘Why!? Why am I having this awful nightmare!?’
“It is a part of your purpose, young one…” said a bone chillingly ethereal voice.
Who said that!? But Xen did not hear his voice again. His mouth didn’t even move!
“I am the one who doles out the Guidance one so desperately desires in a time of their great personal conundrums. I am Iridescence, young one,” said the voice again.
I-Iridescence!? Xen couldn’t feel anything but his subconscious at that point. He was completely bewildered by the fact that the Goddess of Tutelage had visited him of all foxes in a dream. He could only listen to her overpowering yet calming voice.
“You are Xen Aura Ghoa, cursed by an inadequate mentor to now believe he has no purpose in life. And now must grapple with the possibility of being such a concept as revaera,” the Goddess said.
Sh-she knows everything… Xen tried to think.
“Not everything, but I have seen your plight before. You are not the only one, Xen, who is struggling the way you do,” Iridescence replied.
What do you mean…?
“Other foxes, other beasts, like you, who feel they have no sole purpose in life. And also other revaera who live in fear each day because of who they love,” Iridescence said. Xen tried to look for the beautiful Goddess but couldn’t.
W-wait! I thought you hated revaera!
“No. That is a misconception. I do not hate anyone. I never hated anyone. Not anyone like Arcane, the Shadow Vulpines, or revaera. You are all entitled to your lives. Live them the way you set them out to be. I am here to help you guide your way through your destiny. I am here for those who can’t find it,” Iridescence replied wisely.
Then why can’t you tell anyone else that you do not hate revaera?
Xen could hear bitter disappointment in the Goddess’s voice. “Those who refuse to hear the truth will never become aware of it, young one…”
Huh…?
“It is not in my power to bring the truth to those who waste their time hating those who do not deserve it. It is only within the Justice Savior to do so. And you, young one,” the Goddess said.
Wh-what!? Me?
“Yes, young one, you must accept that you are revaera. Everyone is imbalanced by your existence by this unnatural hatred. Acceptance is your first step to discovering yourself. Being revaera… it is a part of your destiny….”
Part of my destiny?
“Part of the reason you are here…”
What do you mean? But the Goddess’s voice was already fading.
“Part of the reason you are here… part of the reason you are here…”
And she was gone. The first thing Xen saw when he opened his eyes, was Cloud, sleeping peacefully next to him in the tent. The Goddess’s parting words echoed in his mind. ‘Part of the reason you are here…’
Xen was confused. He did not want to be that. Not that. Not given a reason to be hated. Why… why was he chosen to be this way…? What is the reason he was here that Iridescence mentioned? Now more than before, he kept asking himself, ‘Who the hell am I!?’
____________________________________________________________________
Check out my whole series! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/5340298/
Start from the beginning! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/14666208/
Start from the TRUE beginning! http://www.furaffinity.net/view/11187661/