The Concept of a Heart-
Chapter Nine-
Acceptance

The forest returned to normal. The imbalance of the Darkness had disappeared. But Xen did not care. It was as if the forest was unhappy before, and Touda’s death was what it took for it to become satisfied again. It was the days after the companions fell into the Shadow Vulpines’ grisly trap. Xen padded alongside Aerobolt and Cloud miserably. He was unable to get the image of everything that had happened to his mentor out of his head. Even though Xen borderline hated his mentor, he cared about him more than anything. More than himself. Maybe even more than Aerobolt or Cloud.
Hardly anyone spoke a word. Throughout the journey home no one spoke a word that was unnecessary. They restocked when they needed to. In Uron and in Empra. The otters and the Kobold Warriors paid them no mind. They did not question the three of them where Touda was. The melancholy that surrounded them was all they needed to know that Touda was killed.
The weather had also left them alone. The three of them were in hardly a condition to battle inclement weather. And throughout the Vaelic Desert, the Marsh Plains, Myunae nu Eira even, the weather stayed a perfect sunny blue. The weather was happy even though the three foxes were not. They had also met no opposition from Shadow Vulpines or Kobold Bandits through the forest and the desert.
It took the three of them seven melancholic days to journey homeward. The entire time Xen could not get Touda’s parting words out of his head. Each night Xen had dreams of both Touda and Iridescence to make sure he would never forget. Each time the dream ended, it ended with the same words. From Touda he heard, “Find your purpose… Don’t let me have died in vain…” From Iridescence, he heard, “Being revaera is part of your destiny… Accept it to truly find who you really are…” Xen wakes up screaming in grief each time. For six nights these dreams pestered him. They followed him every step of the way home. And he knew that they would continue to haunt him even when he reached Castla nu Craara again. Xen longed for these nightmares to leave him alone. If this was a part of his destiny, then Xen simply refused to let it be. As much as the apprentice yearned for belonging, if being revaera and accepting that “fact” was the first step, then he did not want to be a part of it. If anyone were to find out about his desire for companionship with other reynards, he would not be accepted! He’d be even worse off and more disillusioned than ever! Xen failed to see how being revaera could possibly help him find his purpose. He remembered how Iridescence implied that he and Aerobolt were going to have to help each other help other revaera, but the information he was given was too vague for Xen to decipher that for certain. Each day the foxes traveled back, the more confused Xen got. He told the Goddess each time she drifted into his dreams that he didn’t want to be this way. He didn’t ask for this life. But all the Goddess would reply with is a simple, “It is a part of your destiny… Accept it and find your purpose.” Xen was frustrated each time he woke up. Didn’t Iridescence say that one is always entitled to their lives!? At this point the Goddess was committing hypocrisy and trying to make Xen see the “truth”. But Xen continued to shrug her off each time. Xen simply refused to comply with her wishes. He knew he was committing a sinful act by disobeying the Goddess of Life, but accept being revaera? No matter how many times, Xen found himself looking at Cloud or Aerobolt in such a way, he refused to think anything was wrong with him. He would often argue with himself that the reason why he kept looking at Cloud and Aerobolt in a admiring way was because he was around them much more than anyone else. And that Xen had no vixen friends in the Guardians. His entire life had revolved around reynards! Of course he’d be more accustomed to them! Xen convinced himself that the day he’d meet a vixen, he would get his priorities straight. But the closer they got to home, the more Xen feared that was never going to happen.
Xen was the only one who remained mournful at the loss of Touda as they approached Castla nu Craara. The whole adventure took around two weeks, but for some reason it felt much longer than that. Xen felt different than he was before. He knew exactly why, but he had the feeling that his troubles were far from over because the Goddess of Life kept invading his dreams. On the last night before returning home he had a dream where he and Cloud were coupled again. But this time, even as Xen closed his eyes to block out the scene, he saw through his eyelids the two of them kissing. In the dream he loved it. In the reality he was appalled. Xen was unable to shake the image from his mind as he, Aerobolt, and Cloud returned home. The signs of spring were coming, as there was very little snow to trek through, unlike on the way out. The first thing they did upon arrival was report to Fielra exactly what had happened. Xen barely listened to a word either of them said.
“…And that is everything that had to us,” Aerobolt finished recapping with sympathy.
The Guardian leader looked at them with sad eyes. “I see… So Touda is dead…”
Xen walked up to Fielra without his conscious telling him to, and the words spilled out before he could control them. “Touda died because of me. Mistress Fielra, I must ask. How are you going to punish me?”
Fielra looked at the apprentice in surprise. “Punish you? Whatever for? You are not responsible for Touda’s death. He died protecting you. It was his duty as a mentor to do whatever he could to keep you safe. And he has done just that,” she said sympathetically.
“But Fielra… If I hadn’t been so foolish…” Xen argued sadly.
“Foolish? You did what you could to protect Aerobolt when he was unconscious after he used that Legacy Force. That is highly admirable of you to do so. You deserve a reward for such bravery, not punishment,” Fielra said certainly.
Xen sighed. He knew he could not believe Fielra. Touda was dead because of him!
“Cloud,” Fielra suddenly said. Cloud looked at her curiously. “You have proven yourself a true Guardian in this mission. To have fought so bravely alongside your allies even though you were outnumbered tremendously. Iridescence would honor your bravery as she would our late friend, Touda. That is why in my belief it is time for you to graduate from apprenticeship as a full independent Guardian.
Cloud’s eyes lit up. “Really?” he breathed in disbelief. Fielra nodded. “Wow! What and honor!” Cloud exclaimed. “Thanks so much!”
Fielra shook her head. “No. Thank you Cloud.”
Xen couldn’t help but feel jealous towards the older fox. He was to become a full Guardian? Xen knew that full Guardianhood was still a ways away. He’s been an apprentice for just two and a half months. He was only at least halfway done. That and the incident with Touda… He looked at Cloud with the same admiration he always held for the reynard. Xen almost failed to stop staring. ‘No! Stop it! You are not--!’
Cloud’s voice interrupted him. “Xen are you staring at me…?” he asked. Xen face started to feel hot.
‘Now look what you did you idiot!’ “N-no! I’m not!” Xen blustered. He hoped that they aren’t suspecting him of anything. If they thought Xen was acting like this because he was revaera, Xen knew his chances of being great would be tarnished!
“Okay, okay… No need to make a big deal out of it… I know you’d be envious that I am becoming a full Guardian but you aren’t so I figured…” Xen didn’t listen to the rest. Xen was embarrassed. He had assumed the worst when it really wasn’t. Cloud thought he was envious, not… revaera… Xen almost breathed a sigh of relief, but he knew he’d draw their attention again.
Fielra stood up. “Get used to that Cloud, because we are calling the Guardians down for your graduation immediately.” Cloud stiffened.
“Y-yes Mistress Fielra,” he stammered.
Fielra nodded and sent for the summoning siren. Immediately after its loud reverberations throughout the citadel, Xen could hear thousands of paws pounding their way to the Crossroads. “We should be there now. Let’s go you three,” Fielra said as she led the way out of her quarters into the Commons. “Oh and Xen, Seraph would probably like a word with you regarding your Scarf.” She looked at Xen’s bloodstained scarf.
Xen felt the color drain from his face when he realized that he used his scarf to stifle the blood flow from Cloud’s wound. Seraphic Scarves were exceptionally rare and hard to make. That coupled with Seraph’s tetchy attitude made Xen afraid to confront her.
Upon arrival in the Crossroads, more than half of the Guardians had shown up. Four of the Arch Guardians were there, waiting beside the fountain. Salamander, Aerobolt’s father, Gnome, and Thor were not there. They were all out correcting maladies of their Forces somewhere in Nyethra. Xen tried not to look into Seraph’s fiery eyes. Her gaze drifted toward him and Xen flinched when she bared her teeth at the sight of his tattered scarf. Fielra led Cloud toward the center of the group along with the Arch Guardians. She summoned Cloud’s mentor from the front of the crowd. Xen had never met Cloud’s mentor. She looked like a formidable Guardian from where Xen stood. She stood tall and proud as she walked up to meet the leader. She held a proud look on her face as well. Xen could not tell if that pride was for her or her apprentice. The two could be mother and son as they stood next to each other, sapphire colored scarves moving slightly with their movements. Despite the Scarf not particularly matching Cloud’s eyes, he had to admire how it made Cloud look. He just had to… Xen practically slapped himself to get his attention back on the graduation. ‘There you go again you fool! Stop it!’ The more he fought, however, the more futile it seemed to have gotten. No matter how much he tried to deny it, he couldn’t stop looking at Cloud in such a way. Could it be…? Xen looked away sadly. ‘I can’t deny it can I…?’ Then he heard the Goddess’s voice blow like wind in his head. “There are some things I cannot control… No one. Can choose who they like… Not even me…” Xen jumped at that. He never thought the Goddess could do that too. As he looked back to Cloud he sighed. ‘I have no choice then…’
“Sephyr, is Cloud ready to take full responsibility as a Guardian of Life?” Fielra spoke.
The mentor called Sephyr nodded. “I was not on the mission with Justice Savior and company like he was. But from the sound of his actions, I have nothing more I can teach him. He is ready,” she said with a voice so deep that made Xen surprised.
Fielra nodded. “And do you, Cloud Santra Axys, promise to uphold the word of Iridescence and protect her legacy from those out to contaminate it, even if your life a price to pay?” Fielra asked Cloud seriously.
Cloud’s face turned into one of a handsome determination and nodded briskly. “I do, Mistress Fielra.”
Fielra turned to the Guardians. “Then I ask for Iridescence’s approval to accept you as a full Guardian of Life!” Then she looked to the statue of the great Goddess, the centerpiece for the holy waters of the Seven Forces of Life. At first nothing happened. Then Xen watched in awe, as the spouts in the fountain grew larger and larger. The statue in the center seemed to glow slightly. It radiated with the Goddess’s message, subtle, but there. Xen could barely hear it, but he could swear that he was hearing a bunch of whispering coming from the statue. He couldn’t tell whom it was for. For him? For Cloud? Both of them? But he did not care, because when the applause broke out in acceptance for Cloud’s graduation, Xen wanted to be among the loudest to congratulate him. He clapped and cheered so loud that he knew his handpaws and throat were going to be sore the next day.
Fielra called for the citadel to quiet down. “There is one more matter that needs to be discussed with you all. The mission Cloud went on was to correct an imbalance of Darkness Aerobolt had foresaw. On that mission, it turned out to be a trap laid for Aerobolt to fall and be killed in. Of course, they have sharply misjudged his unmatched strength and skill. However their victory was not without sacrifice. The new Shadow Vulpine leader, called Atla, killed Touda Jewel Zinzol, Xen Aura Ghoa’s mentor. Now Xen is left with no mentor and must be appointed a new one! Because his Bane is Light there is next to nobody in this citadel to mentor him. The select few other Guardians whose Bane’s are also Light are busy with apprentices of their own. So therefore it is my decision for Aerobolt and I… to share the rest of his training.” The cheers were indescribable. Some were excited, some confused, some even envious. Xen felt the ground sway beneath his paws when Fielra revealed the news. He was going to be mentored by her? And the Justice Savior too? That was too much of an honor to be ignored. Quickly, Xen realized, he was becoming a somebody. At this point he became certain that he was a nobody no more. But then there was the terrible reality that he is revaera. Xen knew now that he could not deny it anymore. The Goddess was just too persistent. She was right. Xen knew that ignoring this was ignoring his destiny. Why he was born revaera, he will never understand. What his purpose is regarding being revaera he does not understand. But someday, with the help of Aerobolt and maybe Fielra, he promised himself he will. He looked up at Cloud and suddenly thought. ‘If I am revaera… does this mean I am in love with Cloud? And if I am… How could we ever be together? Cloud is not revaera… He couldn’t be. So what does this mean…Will I ever have a mate if I am revaera…’ Xen shook his head as the Guardians dispersed around him. Some gave him congratulatory pats on the back. Some said good luck. Others said they wanted to be Xen. He wanted to say back that they most certainly did not. Then his thoughts resumed. And the biggest bombshell dropped into his mind before he could stop it. Before he even realized that truth he spoke it in his mind loud and clear. ‘I am revaera.’ He had tried. Looked at vixens all around Castla nu Craara since he got back. He did not get the same warm feeling he’d become familiar with when he watched Cloud. When all the Guardians in the Crossroads left besides him, Aerobolt, Cloud, and Fielra, the three of them walked down to meet him.
“Well now, I guess we will be training you together,” Aerobolt said with slight humor. “You are not getting away from me that easily you know!”
“Y-yeah…” Xen said distantly.
Cloud tilted his head. “Is something wrong?”
Xen could barely suppress his blush. “N-no. Nothing is wrong Cl-Cloud…” he stammered. He was feeling something towards Cloud. Something much stronger than admiration. A desire to be with him. The same feeling that was displayed in his haunted dreams…
Cloud looked at him more which made Xen even more nervous. “I guess… you need more time to get over Touda…” Cloud guessed. But guessed wrong to Xen’s relief.
“Perhaps… Cloud we will begin your training tomorrow,” Fielra said. “Please meet us in Shade Spire. As I understand it Aerobolt your mom is coming home tomorrow.” Aerobolt nodded to her.
“Yes she is. I missed her so much.”
“As I understand it, she is also going to be 48 years old soon. Soon it will be time for her to retire. I wonder who we will want to take her place…” Fielra said in wonder.
“Don’t look at me! I am not the leading type!” Aerobolt said.
“Are you sure? You’d be great you know…” Fielra said teasingly.
“Yeah, yeah…” Aerobolt conceded.
Xen only watched as they padded off. He watched Cloud strut off towards the Sylph Spire, his handsome bushy tail waving behind him as he walked. Xen reached out to try and say something more, but the vile truth got stuck in his throat. He couldn’t… Not now… But the reality soon sank in. Xen realized he didn’t want to be out of Cloud’s company anymore… and to his dismay, he found himself murmuring four words to himself before slowly walking to his own quarters in Gnome Spire.
“Cloud… I love you…”
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