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Something Else Entirely: Gender Identity & Breaking Characte
So... About a week ago for my 100th upload I finally bit the bullet and showed my face in a self-portrait. Technically speaking there was already a picture of me here (http://www.furaffinity.net/view/10910504/) but I've never felt like that one really counted because you couldn't see my face, and it was pretty hard to tell my apparent biological sex. That particular genie is out of the bottle now, though, and there is a reason it took over 2 damn years. See, even though the furry fandom is genuinely, unequivocally the most tolerant, most open-minded, least judgmental subculture I can think of... I've always been nervous about revealing myself, because of how much Seskra and I differ from each other.
And to a large degree, that is to be expected: this whole damn site is predicated on the practice of people creating fictional avatars as stand-ins for themselves. Of course users and their 'sonas have little in common: otherwise there'd have to be half a million red foxes out there who've somehow learned how to operate computers and draw porn. Furries make fursonas; it's what we do. And while that is still true in some respects (I do not actually identify as a spider in my personal life: sorry therians), I feel like that explanation has become increasingly disingenuous regarding the relation between Seskra's gender and my own gender identity.
Seskra is a hermaphrodite. She probably mentally self-identifies as 'herm', but since I cannot be bothered just yet to adopt a whole new bunch of exotic pronouns --and just so we're clear here: the way things are going, the English-speaking world will almost certainly adopt a fully functional set of intentionally gender-neutral pronouns within my lifetime; I applaud this and look forward to it, but we're not there yet and it's too early to start using what will almost certainly be an unofficial, swiftly forgotten amateur solution-- I consequently tend to write her using language that seemingly identifies her as feminine, for the sake of my personal convenience.
It doesn't help that she's also a hermaphrodite in the exaggerated way in which this fandom has adopted that word. Which is to say that, physically speaking, she's a woman who just happens to also have a cock and balls. Yes: there are plenty of examples in the fandom of more realistic portrayals of hermaphroditism, intersexuality, queer gender, etc. And yes, there is the obvious counterpoint to the classic furry herm in the form of cuntboys (which is a perfectly valid gender identity, even if I absolutely HATE the word 'cuntboy'). But you and I both know that those don't even come close to making up the majority of "herms" in this fandom. Your average herm around these parts is 97% female on a physical level, and to claim otherwise is just delusional.
Please note that I am not saying any of this is a bad thing, because I honestly think it's not. It obviously appeals to a lot of people on a visual and intellectual level, and I include myself in that group at damn near the top of the list: Seskra would not be a herm if I didn't think the classical furry herm was immensely beautiful and arousing. And on a more sociological level, these simplified and feminized herms probably greatly contributed to the early and essentially non-controversial adoption of herm fursonas within the fandom, offering an oft-overlooked helping hand in tearing down the notion of a binary gender division and helping to turn this place into the wonderfully tolerant environment that I mentioned at the beginning.
But speaking only for myself, I think it's safe to say that this predominantly gynocentric depiction and identification of herms helped create a mindset wherein they were perceived as overwhelmingly feminine not only on a physical level, but also a mental one. Even when I know that a herm character is genuinely meant to exhibit a non-binary gender --and for the record, that is what I have been trying to do with Seskra for as long as I've written her-- I still tend to mentally checkbox them as feminine, or at least as "more feminine than masculine". (I should probably note here that I mainly do this here in the fandom, and far less in real life where such thinking can be highly offensive)
All of which is to say I cannot just explain away Seskra's hermaphroditism the same way I could her being an anthropomorphic spider. Even though you might (rightfully) argue that there could be subtextual meaning to my choice for my fursona's species, the fictitious nature of anthro spiders mean that any such subtext is entirely interpretative, and therefore completely deniable. In other words: the subtext has no surface text to use as supporting evidence. The same cannot be said for Seskra's gender, however, even though that too is unrealistic to the point of being impossible (as of this writing): because, as I've just explained, I still frequently identify the classical furry herm as effectively feminine. Meaning that for the past two years I have been portraying and identifying myself here as effectively female, even though I am biologically male.
Subtext, meet my good friend Surface Text.
I am trying to be careful here and not read too much into this all at once: after all, this isn't the first time that I've created a female avatar character for myself. I didn't write any introspective thinkpieces after choosing a female Commander Shepard in Mass Effect, so what's different here? Many things, frankly, and this thing is going to be long enough as is without me going into every single one, so let me cut right to the big points:
1: In games like Mass Effect or Dungeons & Dragons, choosing your gender as a part of character creation is a prerequisite for a specifically crafted experience that you're opting into. You read the reviews, you buy into the hype, and you decide that you want to play this thing. You might not have foreknowledge of all the game's content, but you ought to have at least some idea of what consequences (if any) your choice of gender might have. This is the diametric opposite of what happened when I first conceived of Seskra: I was at ConFuzzled, having never commissioned anything in my life and being wholly unsure what sorts of things I might want to commission in the future, having never socialized with other furries online and frankly not interacting much with the community at all outside of lurking. But on a whim, I decided I wanted a conbadge, and so Seskra was born. And without knowing any of the consequences, I decided Seskra ought to be a herm. In fact: Seskra was a herm before she even was Seskra, since I didn't come up with her name until after I got back from the convention. This was a far, far more instinctive decision than almost any I've ever made for any other character that I've created.
2: FA is genuinely the only online community nowadays where I actively socialize with other people or post any of my art, meaning it is essentially the only place on the web where I remotely care about how other people perceive me. In the one place where I'm actually concerned with my image, my 'sona is (physically) predominantly female. That might not say anything definitive, but it's saying something, and it becomes pretty hard to ignore once you realize it.
And 3: You have to look at the big picture. I haven't just created feminine characters for FA, Mass Effect, and D&D, I have created them damn near anywhere I could for almost a decade now. The older I've gotten, the closer I've gotten to a 100% feminine ratio. Not only that, but I've also become ludicrously more educated on gender studies and theory (seriously: I would slap the shit out of my teenage self for what he thought he knew about sex and gender), and I've also become more self-analytical and honest when it comes to my mental quirks and conditions.
And everything you just read was really just my overly long buildup to admitting that I'm probably more than a little genderqueer.
Ever since I was quite young I've not only wondered what it would be like to be woman, but also wished that --if reincarnation was real-- I could get reincarnated as one. I've long since envied the range of emotional honesty that society affords women (which is one the very few things that society affords them, I grant you: I have never been under the delusion that being a woman would mean being treated better by society at large) and I'm not gonna lie: I think I would be happier if physically speaking I was significantly more feminine. The only reason I have a beard is because without one I don't look feminine so much as I look like a 15-year-old boy, and nobody wants to see that. In order for me to be persuasively feminine I would need to invest a significant amount of time, effort and public attention, and right now that investment is way too big for me to seriously consider.
You might be tempted right now to suggest that maybe I'm not genderqueer, but rather I'm transgender. And you'd be wrong. Just because my beard is a backup plan doesn't mean I don't like it, and mentally speaking I am certainly not lacking in the testosterone department: I like to think I'm somewhere between "momma bear" and "cool uncle" as far my socio-psychological makeup goes (you know, when I'm not being "weirdo cousin"). Furthermore, while physically I might not be thrilled about being a guy, I've certainly always enjoyed being "one of the guys". Traditionally masculine forms of socialization have always sat better with me than the feminine alternative, even though I've certainly enjoyed both.
I genuinely seem to sway back and forth on how I think of myself depending on the context, and I honestly think the only thing holding me back from expressing that more vividly in real life is the aforementioned investment that I just cannot juggle right now along with everything else in my life. Maybe someday I can: I certainly hope so. But now just isn't the time.
So for now I'll make do with Seskra, and let her be everything I can't.
This was originally planned to just be a journal entry. Then I actually started writing it, and it quickly turned into a 3-page essay which I quickly realized was way, way too big for a journal. So it became Something Else Entirely instead.
This was immensely therapeutic to write, even if it did take roughly seven centuries to do so.
This piece and your soul belong to me
And to a large degree, that is to be expected: this whole damn site is predicated on the practice of people creating fictional avatars as stand-ins for themselves. Of course users and their 'sonas have little in common: otherwise there'd have to be half a million red foxes out there who've somehow learned how to operate computers and draw porn. Furries make fursonas; it's what we do. And while that is still true in some respects (I do not actually identify as a spider in my personal life: sorry therians), I feel like that explanation has become increasingly disingenuous regarding the relation between Seskra's gender and my own gender identity.
Seskra is a hermaphrodite. She probably mentally self-identifies as 'herm', but since I cannot be bothered just yet to adopt a whole new bunch of exotic pronouns --and just so we're clear here: the way things are going, the English-speaking world will almost certainly adopt a fully functional set of intentionally gender-neutral pronouns within my lifetime; I applaud this and look forward to it, but we're not there yet and it's too early to start using what will almost certainly be an unofficial, swiftly forgotten amateur solution-- I consequently tend to write her using language that seemingly identifies her as feminine, for the sake of my personal convenience.
It doesn't help that she's also a hermaphrodite in the exaggerated way in which this fandom has adopted that word. Which is to say that, physically speaking, she's a woman who just happens to also have a cock and balls. Yes: there are plenty of examples in the fandom of more realistic portrayals of hermaphroditism, intersexuality, queer gender, etc. And yes, there is the obvious counterpoint to the classic furry herm in the form of cuntboys (which is a perfectly valid gender identity, even if I absolutely HATE the word 'cuntboy'). But you and I both know that those don't even come close to making up the majority of "herms" in this fandom. Your average herm around these parts is 97% female on a physical level, and to claim otherwise is just delusional.
Please note that I am not saying any of this is a bad thing, because I honestly think it's not. It obviously appeals to a lot of people on a visual and intellectual level, and I include myself in that group at damn near the top of the list: Seskra would not be a herm if I didn't think the classical furry herm was immensely beautiful and arousing. And on a more sociological level, these simplified and feminized herms probably greatly contributed to the early and essentially non-controversial adoption of herm fursonas within the fandom, offering an oft-overlooked helping hand in tearing down the notion of a binary gender division and helping to turn this place into the wonderfully tolerant environment that I mentioned at the beginning.
But speaking only for myself, I think it's safe to say that this predominantly gynocentric depiction and identification of herms helped create a mindset wherein they were perceived as overwhelmingly feminine not only on a physical level, but also a mental one. Even when I know that a herm character is genuinely meant to exhibit a non-binary gender --and for the record, that is what I have been trying to do with Seskra for as long as I've written her-- I still tend to mentally checkbox them as feminine, or at least as "more feminine than masculine". (I should probably note here that I mainly do this here in the fandom, and far less in real life where such thinking can be highly offensive)
All of which is to say I cannot just explain away Seskra's hermaphroditism the same way I could her being an anthropomorphic spider. Even though you might (rightfully) argue that there could be subtextual meaning to my choice for my fursona's species, the fictitious nature of anthro spiders mean that any such subtext is entirely interpretative, and therefore completely deniable. In other words: the subtext has no surface text to use as supporting evidence. The same cannot be said for Seskra's gender, however, even though that too is unrealistic to the point of being impossible (as of this writing): because, as I've just explained, I still frequently identify the classical furry herm as effectively feminine. Meaning that for the past two years I have been portraying and identifying myself here as effectively female, even though I am biologically male.
Subtext, meet my good friend Surface Text.
I am trying to be careful here and not read too much into this all at once: after all, this isn't the first time that I've created a female avatar character for myself. I didn't write any introspective thinkpieces after choosing a female Commander Shepard in Mass Effect, so what's different here? Many things, frankly, and this thing is going to be long enough as is without me going into every single one, so let me cut right to the big points:
1: In games like Mass Effect or Dungeons & Dragons, choosing your gender as a part of character creation is a prerequisite for a specifically crafted experience that you're opting into. You read the reviews, you buy into the hype, and you decide that you want to play this thing. You might not have foreknowledge of all the game's content, but you ought to have at least some idea of what consequences (if any) your choice of gender might have. This is the diametric opposite of what happened when I first conceived of Seskra: I was at ConFuzzled, having never commissioned anything in my life and being wholly unsure what sorts of things I might want to commission in the future, having never socialized with other furries online and frankly not interacting much with the community at all outside of lurking. But on a whim, I decided I wanted a conbadge, and so Seskra was born. And without knowing any of the consequences, I decided Seskra ought to be a herm. In fact: Seskra was a herm before she even was Seskra, since I didn't come up with her name until after I got back from the convention. This was a far, far more instinctive decision than almost any I've ever made for any other character that I've created.
2: FA is genuinely the only online community nowadays where I actively socialize with other people or post any of my art, meaning it is essentially the only place on the web where I remotely care about how other people perceive me. In the one place where I'm actually concerned with my image, my 'sona is (physically) predominantly female. That might not say anything definitive, but it's saying something, and it becomes pretty hard to ignore once you realize it.
And 3: You have to look at the big picture. I haven't just created feminine characters for FA, Mass Effect, and D&D, I have created them damn near anywhere I could for almost a decade now. The older I've gotten, the closer I've gotten to a 100% feminine ratio. Not only that, but I've also become ludicrously more educated on gender studies and theory (seriously: I would slap the shit out of my teenage self for what he thought he knew about sex and gender), and I've also become more self-analytical and honest when it comes to my mental quirks and conditions.
And everything you just read was really just my overly long buildup to admitting that I'm probably more than a little genderqueer.
Ever since I was quite young I've not only wondered what it would be like to be woman, but also wished that --if reincarnation was real-- I could get reincarnated as one. I've long since envied the range of emotional honesty that society affords women (which is one the very few things that society affords them, I grant you: I have never been under the delusion that being a woman would mean being treated better by society at large) and I'm not gonna lie: I think I would be happier if physically speaking I was significantly more feminine. The only reason I have a beard is because without one I don't look feminine so much as I look like a 15-year-old boy, and nobody wants to see that. In order for me to be persuasively feminine I would need to invest a significant amount of time, effort and public attention, and right now that investment is way too big for me to seriously consider.
You might be tempted right now to suggest that maybe I'm not genderqueer, but rather I'm transgender. And you'd be wrong. Just because my beard is a backup plan doesn't mean I don't like it, and mentally speaking I am certainly not lacking in the testosterone department: I like to think I'm somewhere between "momma bear" and "cool uncle" as far my socio-psychological makeup goes (you know, when I'm not being "weirdo cousin"). Furthermore, while physically I might not be thrilled about being a guy, I've certainly always enjoyed being "one of the guys". Traditionally masculine forms of socialization have always sat better with me than the feminine alternative, even though I've certainly enjoyed both.
I genuinely seem to sway back and forth on how I think of myself depending on the context, and I honestly think the only thing holding me back from expressing that more vividly in real life is the aforementioned investment that I just cannot juggle right now along with everything else in my life. Maybe someday I can: I certainly hope so. But now just isn't the time.
So for now I'll make do with Seskra, and let her be everything I can't.
This was originally planned to just be a journal entry. Then I actually started writing it, and it quickly turned into a 3-page essay which I quickly realized was way, way too big for a journal. So it became Something Else Entirely instead.
This was immensely therapeutic to write, even if it did take roughly seven centuries to do so.
This piece and your soul belong to me
Category Story / Human
Species Arachnid
Size 120 x 87px
File Size 33.1 kB
I got to read this just as the question was becoming too powerful not to ask. I love the timing. I got to avoid being intrusive and still have an answer >w<
and I must say, it makes me happy to relate to you in yet another way. I think I've mentioned to you before that I am Intersex and Agender. I've grown up conforming to a male gender even as I rebelled against the social enforcement of what that should mean for my interests, attitudes, and behaviors. and like you, I've always chafed at how much shame I would get for expressing such a wide range of emotions. I also, same as you, have in my adult life learned a great deal more about gender and sex than my teenage self ever got to, and I would smack myelf even a year ago for some of the things I thought about gender and sex.
I think you make a very good point, though, about in what ways our personas are both like us and not like us. you can see all the time that despite my discomfort wth masculine identity in real life, my main character's (Valthier and The Spider) are particularly masculine and use male pronouns. and despite my being very scrawny and wiry in real life, The Spider is a big hulking brute. my hatred at the sexual objectification of women stands in contrast to the fact that Liz is a hyperfeminine sex-addicted submissive from every toxic male fantasy. and yet it is empowering to me that I can take on that role, and be her, and feel somewhat fulfilled as a person for having that experience. really, I think it is my Orc character, Kari, who is most like me in every way, and she is one of the characters I rarely show anyone.
there's something about being able to change your skin, change your face, without actually having to pretend that you are anyone else, that s important to being genuine. you're just being honest with yourself when you can switch between being all the different "yous" that you are. and who said that having a beard means you can't be feminine? ^_^ I am consistently described as being girly and feminine, and I refuse to shave my beard. it's part of who I am, and peopel who think it doesn't match my dress and leggings can piss off! I'm fabulous!
you gotta just be you. whoever that is at any given moment. :)
and I must say, it makes me happy to relate to you in yet another way. I think I've mentioned to you before that I am Intersex and Agender. I've grown up conforming to a male gender even as I rebelled against the social enforcement of what that should mean for my interests, attitudes, and behaviors. and like you, I've always chafed at how much shame I would get for expressing such a wide range of emotions. I also, same as you, have in my adult life learned a great deal more about gender and sex than my teenage self ever got to, and I would smack myelf even a year ago for some of the things I thought about gender and sex.
I think you make a very good point, though, about in what ways our personas are both like us and not like us. you can see all the time that despite my discomfort wth masculine identity in real life, my main character's (Valthier and The Spider) are particularly masculine and use male pronouns. and despite my being very scrawny and wiry in real life, The Spider is a big hulking brute. my hatred at the sexual objectification of women stands in contrast to the fact that Liz is a hyperfeminine sex-addicted submissive from every toxic male fantasy. and yet it is empowering to me that I can take on that role, and be her, and feel somewhat fulfilled as a person for having that experience. really, I think it is my Orc character, Kari, who is most like me in every way, and she is one of the characters I rarely show anyone.
there's something about being able to change your skin, change your face, without actually having to pretend that you are anyone else, that s important to being genuine. you're just being honest with yourself when you can switch between being all the different "yous" that you are. and who said that having a beard means you can't be feminine? ^_^ I am consistently described as being girly and feminine, and I refuse to shave my beard. it's part of who I am, and peopel who think it doesn't match my dress and leggings can piss off! I'm fabulous!
you gotta just be you. whoever that is at any given moment. :)
I've thought an awful lot about what my characters mean and what parts of me they embody: turns out nearly all of them are a pretty big part of me, none of them more so than Seskra, Erea, and a certain someone who we'll meet later this week. I'm glad to hear you've got something similar going on with yours. I'd planned on writing this ever since I decided what submission #100 would be, but I'll let you in on a little secret: it helped to also read Between Fitting In And Standing Out in the meantime. It made me feel more at peace with the whole idea.
Also, I have to mention: if you like and value the idea of switching between different "yous" instead of having a single you, then now more than ever you need to go out and watch Inside Out.
Also, I have to mention: if you like and value the idea of switching between different "yous" instead of having a single you, then now more than ever you need to go out and watch Inside Out.
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