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If Only…
By: Ainoko IronroseIf only…
You were alive.
If only…
I were you.
If only…
You were here with me.
If only…
You were real.
If only…
Our worlds overlapped.
If only…
The world would let us love openly.
If only…
You survived.
If only…
You were here when I needed you the most.
If only…
I could do more.
If only…
You would listen to me.
If only…
Told me that you loved me
If only…
We would be accepted for who we are.
If only…
I wasn’t at a loss for words.
If only…
I could say more.
If only…
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This was something that has been on my mind the past couple of days and I had to write it down.
Please be honest when critiquing this. I want to know how you guys liked this and what I can do to improve on the peom.
Category Poetry / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 26.5 kB
I think its very effective in conveying how one can get stuck in the thoughts that sometimes plague us... If only I did this, or you did that to change the events.
Kind of reminds me of a movie called the Butterfly Effect that I was introduced to recently where the main character got to make some of the 'If Onlys' happen to change something and got himself into a bad cycle.
Good little piece of poetry. *hugs*
Kind of reminds me of a movie called the Butterfly Effect that I was introduced to recently where the main character got to make some of the 'If Onlys' happen to change something and got himself into a bad cycle.
Good little piece of poetry. *hugs*
Very nicely done Ainoko. Poetry is something wrote from the depths of one's heart of what they feel, when they feel. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I bet a lot of us here (me included) would listen, and offer you their shoulders, to share your burden. I'd be more than willing to help you bear that cross you carry.
Nicely done!
I am a novice at best when it comes to writing poetry, but I do enjoy reading it. I think your poem is moving, but it does seem like it could use a little bit of polish.
Also on stanza 11:
If only…
Told me that you loved me
Did you intentionally leave out a "You" at the beginning of the line? It just seemed a little jarring without it.
Also, IMO I think the poem could be more powerful if you put the stanzas in a certain order, sort of like a building up of the emotions they represent. Just a thought.
Good work though. :D
I am a novice at best when it comes to writing poetry, but I do enjoy reading it. I think your poem is moving, but it does seem like it could use a little bit of polish.
Also on stanza 11:
If only…
Told me that you loved me
Did you intentionally leave out a "You" at the beginning of the line? It just seemed a little jarring without it.
Also, IMO I think the poem could be more powerful if you put the stanzas in a certain order, sort of like a building up of the emotions they represent. Just a thought.
Good work though. :D
Thanks for the input and critique, it is very much appreciated. What you have said is valid and I will be reworking and polishing this up within the next couple of weeks (as soon as I finish writing "Treasure's Guardian").
Just to let you know, this poem represents many different situations, not to mention the furry community as well.
Just to let you know, this poem represents many different situations, not to mention the furry community as well.
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