It flows better now, and the final revelation of Chapter 2 was an amusing surprise. I'm sure Spock would not have made the same mistake, but not everyone can get away with wearing the pointy ears. ;p

I do find it difficult to believe that a noise loud enough to reverberate through a large and soundproofed starship would only garner the interest of the chief engineer and not the captain, first officer, security, and enough alarms to wake Kahless from Sto'vo'kor. Perhaps, instead, Jessica should be paged by someone in another part of the ship (the captain, maybe?) asking her to check on the Chief Science Officer. ("Jessica, he's doing things again. I really can't have him breaking the laws of the universe at the same time I'm worrying about a diplomatic conference. The top brass just won't hear of it.")

There are a number of typos in the chapters, but the most obvious thing I saw isn't the misspellings but the paragraph breaks during the captain's conversation with Uhura. It helps the reader keep track of who's talking when a new paragraph is started whenever the speaker changes.

There really was an Ea'asar in Furcadia. He (come to think of it, Ea'sar may be an Andorian name, and they did play a chakat, so I may want to change the character and their gender some) was the Chief Science officer of the Starship Avalon, which was the biggest Star Trek dream, and everyone else was a competitor (and, by the way, all of the other Furcadian-influenced parts of my story come from the competing deams). When I met Ea'asar, I was the only available engineer, and I was summoned to the science lab, to, you guessed it, clean up after Ea'asar! Even though the general encounter was the same as the roleplay, the specifics that I wrote are completely different. For one thin, Waterweaver was from the XSS Xian Trek dream, not the Starship Avalon Trek dream. ^!^

I removed that one line of a rumble followed by a "Did you hear that?" It wasn't in my first draft. I added it there after your suggestion that the story would need a hook. I assume I can do without it, now, because I have a hook in the Captain's log entry and her conversation with Admiral Uhura.

I have also taken your advice and started a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. What do you think of it now, and do you think I should do the same thing for other long conversations, such as the one between the Chief Engineer and the Assistant Chief Engineer?

*hugs*

Thanks again for the advice,

Jessica

I just updated the file. You can download the new version here. ^!^

Ok, thank god. the blanks were driving me insane O.O

lol I know. I don't like them either, but if I didn't skip over certain parts and save them for later, I would have gotten nowhere with the story.

Ok, Snicker, one more suggestion. Go pick up the Star Trek Encyclopedia. You can find the latest one in used book stores, also it doesn't hurt to have the TNG Tech Manual, Worlds of the Federation or, Maps of the Galaxy. <<All you can find on smazon too.>> *growls at blanks.

I'm not upset, I just haven't set aside the time to properly respond to your posts yet.

Well if you want, and i have time =D I'd be glad to help you lay out the Yorktown =D so you have a reference map, i've done the same for my own series.

If you want to do the footwork for me and help me fill-in some of my BLANK's, then how can I refuse? I don't suppose you can help me map-out the decks of an Excelsior Class starship. ^!^

I have the TNG Technical Manual, by the way. I even read it from cover to cover, eighteen years ago. Also, I did download a few maps that I found online. I'm pretty sure I can use them to come up with what sector of the Beta quadrant my story starts in. As for buying books, I'll be glad to once I can afford to. ^!^

sure, hell i wouldn't mind =). I already have them so... *shrug* it's be fun

Nice! Very enjoyable!

pretty good!

*curtsies and tips her feathered hat

Thank you for both compliments. With any luck, they may encourage me to return writing more.
^!^

I hope they do. I'd love to read more.