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Grief
4 years ago
General
Listen up, savior!
I've never really been the most confident guy. If you've talked to me, you probably think of me as arrogant, confident, with good self-esteem... and you'd be completely incorrect.
I've never believed in myself, or my work. I just fake confidence for the sake of my friends. Even if I have no faith in myself, maybe I could inspire someone else to have faith in themselves, y'know? I write for one simple reason- to make friends, and hopefully give back to the people who support me.
One of those people was
KeeperofJunk. Volsar was an amazing man, and he believed in me more than I ever have. He took the time to support me, and showed me that even if I thought I was worthless, other people don't necessarily feel the same way.
When I heard he was in the hospital, I was devastated. He was one of the people I looked up to the most, and now he was going to be gone forever. I wanted to write a special story to show my appreciation.
I started on the story last month, and got about halfway through before my anxiety and paranoia took over. What if the story wasn't good enough? Could I really make up to him for multiple years of unconditional support with a fetish story? As a result, I took a break, swearing to return to it when I had more confidence.
Well, as of September 24th, I'd officially taken too long. Volsar passed away in the hospital. I officially failed him.
I've always struggled with motivation and drive to write stories, which is why my upload schedule is... non-existent. I worry that it just won't be good enough... and now, that idiotic fear has well and truly fucked me over.
How can I say I write for my friends if I couldn't pull myself together for the man I looked up to the most when he was on his death bed? I'm filled with disgust, anger, and hatred for myself. Should I even finish the story? What's the point, he won't even be able to read it...
I've never believed in myself, or my work. I just fake confidence for the sake of my friends. Even if I have no faith in myself, maybe I could inspire someone else to have faith in themselves, y'know? I write for one simple reason- to make friends, and hopefully give back to the people who support me.
One of those people was
KeeperofJunk. Volsar was an amazing man, and he believed in me more than I ever have. He took the time to support me, and showed me that even if I thought I was worthless, other people don't necessarily feel the same way. When I heard he was in the hospital, I was devastated. He was one of the people I looked up to the most, and now he was going to be gone forever. I wanted to write a special story to show my appreciation.
I started on the story last month, and got about halfway through before my anxiety and paranoia took over. What if the story wasn't good enough? Could I really make up to him for multiple years of unconditional support with a fetish story? As a result, I took a break, swearing to return to it when I had more confidence.
Well, as of September 24th, I'd officially taken too long. Volsar passed away in the hospital. I officially failed him.
I've always struggled with motivation and drive to write stories, which is why my upload schedule is... non-existent. I worry that it just won't be good enough... and now, that idiotic fear has well and truly fucked me over.
How can I say I write for my friends if I couldn't pull myself together for the man I looked up to the most when he was on his death bed? I'm filled with disgust, anger, and hatred for myself. Should I even finish the story? What's the point, he won't even be able to read it...
What you were trying to do was a good and kind thing for a friend who was hurting and probably scared. Unfortunately, their body gave out and that is just… that’s just life. That is not on you, nor is it on them. It’s just… how things go sometimes. More than sometimes, really…
Don’t give up though. Complete your undertaking and finish the story, for their memory if not for yourself and your own soul. Share the gift with the world, or keep it to yourself so that only you know it. Just finish it so you will have kept your promise to your dear friend. They would not want you to beat yourself up like this. They would be there to encourage and clap you on the back to shove you forward despite your falterings.
I may not have known them at all, but everything I’ve heard about them has been good. So, as such, I feel what I’ve said is correct to some degree at the least. Life is hard, but don’t give up on it because they, and others, would not want you to do so. No true friend would.
Just because you feel worthless doesn’t mean you are. Just because you feel shitty doesn’t mean you are literal shit. I’m a person who successfully offed themselves (was clinically dead for under a minute but was brought back obviously) I gotta tell you that feeling like that gets you nowhere. You may not know your own worth or value, but I promise you that that doesn’t make you worthless or valueless.
Life sucks, and it’s hard, but you don’t have to be alone.