Hello everyone! It's the spooky month! It's a time for inktober and inktober-related themes as well! But for me it's been a time of reflection, to turn a leaf if you'll forgive me for making puns about the fall.

I realized on Monday this week, through a horrible time, that I should come clean of something. On Monday, for lack of a better term, I think I suffered a stress attack or a stress burnout. Imagine trying to relax with a laptop, but inside of you there is an urge to do everything in one second. It's like a car engine on lowest gear, with maximum RPM's but you barely move anywhere. I could only feel guilt over unfinished projects, or fear for my future, or regret over not doing something right. I couldn't figure out how to solve it. Like I'm stuck on a highway in a car and can't move forwards but I must. The stress became so much that I felt myself becoming more impatient even with my relaxation. Eating more food faster, clicking through YouTube videos to see the end, picking up and dropping my phone for text messages every second sooner than before.

Thankfully there were friends online that night. I spoke with them like a DIY therapy session. I admitted to them, as I do to you dear reader, one of my biggest problems in the fandom. When people make beautiful art or show off incredible fursonas, I become euphoric. I imagine so many ideas, worlds, and stories for them that I must give them that. So I promise to them that I will write them something someday. Well, a few chat rooms later in the same day I might promise 10+ stories. Over the week, I learn the hard way that my overthinking self (remember the previous journal entries?) makes each story more complex. Each day I fail to write only reinforces a negative feedback loop; I feel terrible going into the next day, so my guilt keeps me from writing. The next day, even more guilt over the past dissuades me to even consider writing; only to feel even more pain the next day.

So I need a reset button, starting here. If I promised you anything in the past for no pay; a story, a gift art, something, anything, then I can't fulfill that. I'm dropping every one of these promises to help my mental state. I think if I hit the reset button, I can focus on what I want to write and to be a better person. As a writer, to become an expert and a professional. As a friend, to be there for more than just RP or stories. As someone of the fandom, to be a better fan while contributing to this fandom. But in my own way. This isn't to say I won't ever do those promises either! There may come a time I can fulfill them! Perhaps even do all of them!

But for now I need to work on my writing. Well, that and my life and life goals as well. Which is why I mention inktober. Now I won't be doing inktober, but I might try a variation on it. I won't promise I will have every day done; I want to see what I can accomplish with this reset button pressed. But if it all goes well? I might just share it here if people want to see it! I think it might be nice. A writing prompt per day to sharpen my skills, and a way to turn that new leaf.

So to that end, I hope the world is doing well! Thank you all so much for your understanding, heartfelt comments, and the time you spend with me. I will never deserve friends and loved ones like the ones I have in you. But I hope, with a new leaf, to slowly be as worthy to you as you are to me.