struggling with my gender... again. lmao pls help me -- ElCuco22's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

struggling with my gender... again. lmao pls help me

4 years ago General

I... am starting to rethink things... or maybe im looking too into it? idk
i dont have a therapist or anyone to talk to about it who has... more experience with gender shit? all my close friends are cis REEE

i was having a genuine convo with someone about my gender... I started to rethink shit.. they were also questioning if i was a transman or not because of the things i said

I identified as a non-binary transman (originally just a transman because yeah)..... I started hormones for a few months and had to stop due to insurance and being broke lmao
so it started giving me more time to think about it...

I thought I was trans because I genuinely feel im not a woman... lol... but im also not completely a man? I do feel i am more comfy with identifying as a man than a woman? i dont wanna be seen as a woman at all.

I felt great livin life as a "man" and going by a male name- so on. hormones made me feel great to an extent... until i started to see i really wanna just... present as... anything i wanted... either neutral or fem or masc? so i gave myself the nonbinary label because fuck... but more time has passed and i think more about what i wanna wear and how i wanna present and be seen as... very different from when i originally said i was a transman.. I feel wrong being a man and im def am not a woman? dont wanna be seen as one? I thought i had to be at least one of the genders?

the person i spoke with recently said that non-binary really just seems more like what i am.. but now im thinking if it was a mistake to even think i was a transman? I enjoy being seen as a man but i also dont.... lmao
it feels like im playing a sick game of pretend with any of the two genders. i just... wanna be me.. lmao BUT IDK WHAT I AM>? kill me please

BUT i do really wanna get surgery tho? i want to get chest surgery... but with no nipples or anything. just... flat... not a man's chest// or a woman's chest... just F L A T.. and maybe later get bottom surgery when they dont look like ass. BUT i am also ok with my bottom part... kinda?

I was thinking maybe im just... nonbinary? only? but.. reee it was way easier to get hormones and shit when i just said i was a transman...

i also dont know about other genders either? lmao im pretty stupid and so fucking confused rn

19 Comments

meowchi75 ~meowchi75

King of Procrastination

4 years ago

Yo! I'm confused about my identity too! I think I'm non-binary but I'm not sure.
And there are so many identities like bigender, agender, and those are the ones I can remember on the top of my head. Uhh, I guess what I'm trying to say is gender is a huge spectrum and it may take time to figure out what you feel right identifying as. I think confusion is just part of the process.

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

oh I hope yer able to find out and be comfy with it in the end. Yer right it takes time and such but I guess i just wanna know what i am to feel better? since I think im feeling bad about even thinking i was just trans? idk... I also dont know about about other genders much?

meowchi75 ~meowchi75

King of Procrastination

4 years ago

I don't think you should feel bad thinking you were trans, cuz exploring and experimenting with how you present yourself isn't a bad thing to do, it's just part of your journey. Oh and there's another identity I forgot to list: genderfluid, where there are days when you feel masculine, feminine or anything else.
I don't know much about genders either lol, there's so many forms of expression it's amazing

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

I guess i should do more on exploring other ways to present myself? idk tbh

meowchi75 ~meowchi75

King of Procrastination

4 years ago

I think so! Just remember that it’s not a legally binding contract to use a name for your identity, you can change it as many times as you like. And have fun with it! Heck if you don’t find a name that fits, that’s perfectly okay! Just be comfortable with your form of expression ^^

porko ~porko

Full-time Sleepy Head

4 years ago

This is just personal experience, but I hope it will help in someway:
I use to identity fully as a trans man as well. I mean, I do feel like a man, but now I identify with being multigendered, meaning (for me) that I'm a man, woman, something else, and genderless. I could say I'm genderfluid, but I am literally all of those things listed at the same time. I do feel like it kind of doesn't make sense for me to be genderless and gendered at the same time, but gender is made up and doesn't really fully make sense to me anyway lol

But anyway, when I identified as a trans man, I did go on hormones for about 10 months and stopped because I honestly wasn't happy with the changes even though I was obviously expecting them lol. But I'm not so hard on myself about it now, it really is trial and error with figuring yourself out. Even as my provider said, if I want to stop taking them, I can, it's not a big issue. As Meowchi said, you don't gotta feel bad for identifying as trans and now thinking you are something else, things just change or you start to feel different and it's fine.

To be honest, I feel more like a man when I like feminine things, even she/her pronouns make me feel more like a man. Really, gender can be anything as long as your comfortable with how you identify. Gender expression doesn't equal your gender identity. Such as if I were to have longer hair and dressed in skirts and dresses, that doesn't mean I identify 100% as a women. So you can dress/express yourself however and still be the gender you feel comfortable with, that is if it doesn't cause you too much dysphoria.

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

honestly yer explanation makes me feel a lil more comfy with my feelings? but at the same time im still having a panic of just not knowing here and now... or to explain to ppl i know that "oh idk if im trans anymore lmao" idk... i guess it's harder to change because most ppl who know me would definitely tell me something like "then why did you transition. why didnt you just stay a woman who can dress like a man or something, it's not too late"
i know a few who would tell me something pretty upsetting and belittling... i just dont know lmao

i also dont wanna go back to being seen as a female? but at the same time i do love some of the stereotypical female things/looks? sometimes i wanna dress so feminine it's scary to think maybe im not a man? or whatever the fuck i am? idk... I just wanna be none but both but i also dont wanna change so ppl can tell me stupid shit

arthallea ~arthallea

the big meme

4 years ago

i would like to heavily second the fact that gender is "trial and error" as stated in the above comment. these things change, and it's a lot more common for them to adapt and evolve as you learn more and explore more. there was a push back against the "i can change them" rhetoric used against the lgbtq+ community that, unfortunately, led to some ideas spawning that we cannot change to begin with. that's not the case, and looking historically, it never has been. many cultures have words and experiences within them that covers the fluidity of gender that are much older than any of the people we know.

another thing i wanna make note of is that, if we go on a very basic definition of "nonbinary" - not strictly male or female - then a very, VERY large portion of people (maybe even all!) would technically fall into that category. but i tend to prefer seeing it more like this: man and woman are not boxes, they are categories. even among cis people, the way a cis man experiences being a man and what defines them as such can be totally different than another cis man. same goes for cis women. being a man or a woman is subjective, and it's a lot more of what you make of it.

on top of that, being nonbinary is very broad. you can be a nonbinary man, for instance. queer labels have never been about making "sense" (though, imo, nonbinary man does make sense if you take into account what nonbinary means and what i talked about last paragraph) but rather, they're to help communicate what ultimately is a lot of emotions, feelings, and experiences that are individual to you. every single label we have would only really fit a fairly small handful of people to a T through their entire life. what really matters is what makes you feel good. you're never wrong for that changing - that is a very human experience!

arthallea ~arthallea

the big meme

4 years ago

this is super long, my apologies ;; but i hope it gives some help!!

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

ah I see. I mean i can def see and understand that but.. idk i guess im just still stuck in that mindset of it being black and white with only one shade of gray between it? hhh and while yes i see that it can be subjective.. im mainly only basing off of media and the ppl around me? which is the heavy stereotypes and "old world" thinking? I dont really have close people or people i talk to frequently who are something other than cis? Im only jabbed constantly with this... I also dont know if calling myself a nb man is right either.. it kind of feels wrong in many ways. at first it was feeling right but as soon as i stopped hormones and lost friends who DID have some knowledge with gender... it all kind of came crumbling down and i started to get so lost... and now im here wondering what went wrong

I was told by someone that maybe it was their influence that caused myself to change and think i was what they were... but at the same time im wondering if it's the same with some of the cis ppl i know when they belittle the fact that was trans when i was telling them about it?

arthallea ~arthallea

the big meme

4 years ago

well, i don't want to come off poorly as i know we don't talk much so i hope this doesn't seem rude - but i think you should be a little easier on yourself. it sounds like you have a lot of conflicting ideas being thrown at you, and anyone would be really stressed by that. but you are you, and no one else can determine it for you. even if you yourself don't know who you are yet, you would know better than anyone else. anyone in your life who would shame you for being you isn't someone worth keeping around.

it's scary and confusing and really, really difficult. but i'm proud of you for still holding on to what seems true. it'll all work itself out with time, and i think giving yourself some slack would help too. it's not supposed to be easy. but i'm sure you can do it!

Amochamo ~amochamo

Dingus

4 years ago

I'm still fully coming to terms with mine as well I feel like I'm almost definitely Non binary but fear has made me second guess myself for a long time and its hard to come to terms with what I really feel without thinking about anything other than just that. But I think what you're going through is totally normal, you can't be expected to know what you truly feel when for most of your life you've been shown two options and you've been given a standard on how each looks and acts. But now you have new options that probably resonate with you better even if you haven't fully worked out what yet and that's ok, it you had your whole life the first time to figure it out. so give yourself some time. From what you describe your feeling ive seen people go by Agender/gender void , in other words to have no gender at all, rather than nonbinary which is simply not conforming to two genders. But this may not be the right fit for you either idk

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

why would nonbinary not be a good fit? I mean.. I honestly dont know many genders. I was given the nb option because i dont feel i fit either gender but that was i guess based with stereotypes in mind? I was also told genderfluid because of the urge to dress and present more masc or fem depending on the day or whatever?

and if i were to be agender/gender void... would that mean id have to stop dressing or presenting a certain way? or that i cant go by certain pronouns? I dont know the rules to these genders or anything. and if there isnt rules then what is setting them apart? im just so stupid and lack any knowledge with these things

Amochamo ~amochamo

Dingus

4 years ago

Honestly I had a lot of the same worries with calling myself NB for the same reasons your saying, but I don't think there really are any strict rules its just about what you think feels right for you and agender still falls under the nonbinary umbrella and the pronouns you use are up to you just some people don't feel right using the basics. of course you can dress how you want to as well, I was more thinking about you talking about wanting nothing on your chest when i mentioned it, but if it doesn't feel right then you don't have to use it just go with what makes you most comfortable.

HybridiumX ~hybridiumx

★ Prince of Stars ★

4 years ago

Honestly me and an irl friend were talking about this sorta thing semi-recently. They recently began questioning their sexuality and realized they were Asexual (which they came to realize very quickly, like within a month or so of speaking to other aces) and later wanted to try to figure out what they were as far as gender identity... which we both came to the conclusion that part was much harder.

It took me years to understand why I felt uncomfortable with my body and only after speaking with Trans and NB people did I start to realize a pattern shared between them and myself. I hated being a woman / female and any time anyone would speak to me as such would make me genuinely uncomfortable. At first I went with NB because I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be known as male, though it definitely felt better than being female. Only more recently did I take the dive into asking people to use male pronouns that I've been feeling a lot better and closer to it than I initially imagined. Hell, now I'm noticing "baby gay man" vibes in all the old shit I used to do / be into and like... it feels like I'm re-entering the world in a weird way. Little things I pick up on now make a lot more sense. I'm still using He / They atm but I'm a lot happier with myself regarding my pronouns.

My friend still hasn't found themselves yet, but like anything it can take a lot of time and personal exploration to fully figure out. Currently they use They / Them pronouns and are taking it slow, but I'm excited to see them find themselves in the future.

As for your situation I can definitely understand - It's a confusing and long process sometimes to figure out yourself.. give it time and you'll find yourself. And once you finally do it'll be amazing and you'll look back and go "wow, what a journey.. it all makes sense.". Tho if you ever want to talk more about it or whatever feel free to message me, I'm always open to talking. ^^

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

ah i wish them luck figuring it out. it really is rough...

I dont know. I felt the same with not being comfy with being seen as a female. I jumped straight into being trans with confidence. but after trying out new things and seeing how i act, having things pointed out to me, so on. it started to warp what my original thought was. I enjoyed being seen as a man and some of the benefits of being trans (hormones) made me feel pretty good?? but it also gave me almost the same wrong feeling for being seen as a female? But it was a little more comforting being called a him and being seen as not a female....
at this point im not ok with being seen or referred to by as a male or a female... but there's something inside me where i want to be seen as both? sick.. I just.. dont know lmao

when i looked back at my old art i saw a lot of... not trying to pick a gender with sonas or characters that would represent me..... they're just there... vibin.. not so much lookin more fem or masc.. just... neutral? wack

as for pronouns im stumped. I think ill just stick with any and see how well ill feel as of lately when people use she instead of just he/they. maybe that'd help? or not. maybe it'll hurt more .. My main issue with trying to keep things... gender neutral or just "they" is the people around me wont go by that... never have... it has to be one or the other with them all... and i dont know why...

also thank you. but id def feel bad coming and crying to you constantly about my gender issues /weeps

HybridiumX ~hybridiumx

★ Prince of Stars ★

4 years ago

Yeahhh it's def not an easy road for sure. I had a similar vibe myself (biggest thing I noted was that I hated seeing boobs on characters that represented me, so I'd have like "flat chested girl" characters for a long stretch.. til I realized I kinda preferred them with male pronouns... and then eventually it clicked oof) - I haven't done hormones yet but I think with some med issues I have I wouldn't be able to do HRT from what I understand? But I'm okay with a more andro vibe... just prefer male pronouns myself.

Also it's fine to be in between, gender fluidity exists too and it def valid if you sometimes feel like both, either, nothing or anything in between. ^^

Honestly I'd say try swapping pronouns out every so often and see what feels good for you. If they all do then I think you have your answer. Tho your feelings on your identity may change and that's okay too.. eventually you'll find a fit that's right for you. :3

And no worries, honestly I don't mind talking about stuff like that and you're def not a bother if you do <3 ^^

TheLittlePrince ~thelittleprince

Spoiled

4 years ago

There's nothing wrong with having a spectrum when it comes to your gender expression/feelings about your own gender. As a transdude I'm here to tell you it's totally ok that you are rethinking the label/identity/etc. I went through a lot of difficulties with my gender/labels/etc. and even though I'm happiest medically transitioning and using masculine labels/language/etc. to describe myself I'm still definitely not 100% in line with what's typically "male" (if that even means anything anyway) Do whatever makes you most comfortable because in the end that's what matters, finding whatever it is that makes you feel good and happy irregardless of the labels. In the end the labels don't really matter and there's not one kind of anyone, not even cis people.

ElCuco22 ~elcuco22

4 years ago

aaah thank you. I will try and work more towards finding out what i am... Im just so unfamiliar with genders aside from the norm? "n o r m"
and I just wish it would be easier to figure it out... but i guess i got a long ways to go

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