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Coming clean.
4 years ago
Just the blue dragon who is speaking: What’s this journal about?
Well. Something I should’ve did a long time ago. No. This is not regarding art. I’ll tell you. I made a vent on Discord while back after feeling displeased with myself how problematic I was. For those who didn’t know, this is what I said:
“You know. As far as I see a lot people whom used to talked to me would turn their backs on me all cuz I what I'm been doing for years which makes me feel that I should to back off from certain things to not make others feel uncomfortable. Maybe people who used to talk to me are right. I guess I am toxic. I don't like to be labelled as a toxic which I will admit I used to do a lot of things to try to get a lot unwanted attention, but honestly, I don't want to lose anymore friends. Although, if I do lose more friends, it's fine. I can handle it like a grown adult suppose to do even though I want to keep all my friends. It's hard to keep friends, but I love all my friends. I just want people to talk to me is all. I know it's hard for me to come up with a conversation, aside of myself being autistic. Really I don't want people thinking I'm using that as an excuse or the fact that I feel uneasy of this point that I should look at myself and say to myself, "Be careful what you are doing to yourself. Is this how you want people to see you as? You making a fool of yourself to try to impress certain people who isn't your friend?" So yeah, I refuse to go in that route. I don't want to keep hurting others all because of my flaws. I definitely hate repeating myself and the mistakes I make, but why do I keep doing that? I don't like it. I hate it. It's childish. It's immature. All I can say is I'm sorry for betraying people's trust. I guess I deserved to be hated. I'm just too afraid to lose more friends and to face reality to be blackballed/blacklisted by the people I like.”
So yeah. I was still breaking my own rules for not taking my own advice and keep stumbling, setting up myself for disappointment. Not only that, felt like that I was ignoring others, including those who don’t do art, but I have a lot of catching up to do. It’s like talking over people, but didn’t catch what they said while saying things out loud that are irrelevant as they were discussing relevant topics. What else? Unwanted RPs with certain people at the wrong time when they are not in the mood or is busy at the moment. I know it’s okay to have fun, knowing there are boundaries you cannot across or else, that’s like trespassing over someone’s yard.
Have you learned your lesson?
Yeah and really I shouldn’t be repeating those mistakes or else I am making myself into a broken record. I know said it before and I’m not repeating it again. >.>
Aside all that, how are you doing today?
I am doing better than before. Yeah, I had some ups and downs. I am back to myself. I can’t say 100%, I am okay. Enough about myself, what about others? I hope the best for others, too.
Are you thankful for your watchers especially new watchers?
Yeah. Of course! I am always thankful for my new watchers. I don’t need to always go to everyone’s page and thanking him/her/them for the watch and faves. ^^;
One more thing. You mentioned being blackballed and blacklisted, are you?
No. I’m not popular honestly. Let’s be real. Yes. I’ll admit that I’m popular with certain few characters even though I have a bunch, but I’m not going to get all emotional about it. -w-
Anyway. So yeah. That’s enough to be said. Sorry I wasting y’all time writing these journals like that. I know it’s getting some of you bored. It’s fine. Long as you have your reasons, we cool. Alright.
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