I feel like this is obvious given how many journals I write that are like fml it all sucks but I have depression. But also.... i don't have any friends. I am lonely and isolated in a house where my mom is a drunkard who abuses me and cannot be talked to because she's drunk and my stepdad is a narcissist who abuses me and only tells me to shut up because i don't have anything he thinks is worth hearing. All of my friends except one live out of state or a minimum of 4-5 hours away and don't answer messages. I haven't talked to a person that wasn't my parents in almost 3 weeks. I also have agoraphobia and social anxiety so going outside to meet people ends up being hard. I have no one to talk to at work. No one at home. No one online. I can't be on social media because it turns into depression and doom scrolling. The only time I get any real attention is when I post writings or art and people comment or like it. It's pathetic but that's about all the positive reinforcement i get. About all the emotional support I get is someone saying they like my colors.
But hey, what can ya do lol? After all, my time off is limited and i have to make art while I can otherwise there's nothing to keep me going. Nothing to make me feel better. I can't watch tv anymore it makes me anxious. I can't read anymore it makes me anxious. I can't really do anything anymore it makes me anxious and all anyone says is to get therapy. A thing I cannot afford.
A thing I'll never be able to afford it seems.
All I need is for the year of paying my loan to be over and then it won't affect my parents and then I can finally die. Then I won't fuck them over if I finally kill myself.
At this point their the only ones who I think will actually care if I do it. After all, everyone else who's my friend is so busy and doesn't notice me. I'm very good at being unseen. After all no one is going to read this anyway