so i got the job as a substitute teacher for my county. i'll be working across several schools and i've already been booked for several days.
depending on the pay that i get will determine if i can refund art that my executive dysfunction just has been refusing to let me do.

i appreciate everyone's patience while i struggled so hard with so many things over the last year. between equipment breaks to mental and physical health of myself and my family, i have had no time to do much of anything this month alone and it's been a nightmare and made me come to realize that i need to do for myself and practice love for myself and art again.

i never gave myself that break or that time because i never knew how until this last year but my environment never let me actually sit and feel my feelings and i'm going to now. i appreciate so much everyone being so kind and patient with me, especially what few close friends I have.

i'm going to be far more stable about boundaries and who i interact with from now on, too. i've been pushed around and yelled at and treated like crap by certain groups of people for far too long and i have been working toward removing a lot of toxicity and anger and just really downer people from my life. i spent way too much time trying to lift everyone else up instead of letting myself do so. when i'm too scared to speak to others due to it turning into some stupid competition or being talked over or just being afraid to speak due to my own literal PTSD responses, I realized that honestly? the environments i kept putting myself in with some desperation to make friends or have socialization was not condusive to my life.

i can't pretend i am what i'm not. and that was pretending to be okay. to be everyone's mother. to be surrounded by people who just were not healthy for me. it wasn't necessarily a lot of groups are always toxic, it's just a matter that i'm too old and under medicated and under treated to be able to function around with most of them because of undiagnosed (but somewhat officially) confirmed disorders and medical conditions. i'm tired of being everyone's rock and any time i needed one i had to keep it to myself because someone else was having something up. it's been going on for years and frankly i'm tired my doodles, i'm very tired.

i've got to focus on me instead of always trying to help others as weird as it sounds, which had hindered my ability to do much of anything for anyone especially work.

to those of you still here, i love all of you and hopefully i will have something for you soon.
for those who are just here for the tiddy?

i mean all thanks to you, too, just don't expect much for a chunk of time while i work a near full time job if i can manage to secure the hours.