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October 2021: Unassured
4 years ago
Hi,
Truth be told, I really have little if nothing to say. This month has been just purged out of memory. There isn’t much to talk about. The majority of this month has been mainly worrying about November, as there are a few things in there that I have felt nothing but fear about. That said, some announcements around October have definitely made November a harder month to go through.
University is not in a good state at the moment. My energy has been focused in on one assignment, and the others, while being thought and planned, have had barely any attention put to them. Despite that, I have received the grade for one of the assignments handed up previously. A credit. Quite honestly, I expected myself to have that grade be simply a pass and that's it, something that I am fine with getting, despite people saying "GO FOR MORE, MORE THAN A PASS!". I simply just want to pass this year and that's it. I'm not aiming any higher than simply wanting to continue through to next year. I've been going to physio regularly on account of my dominant arm hurting immensely, to the point where one side of the arm has numbing down it's sensitivity. It honestly hurts to move my arm at times. There seems to be some sort of (for lack of a better word) clunk around in the shoulder joint, and it has probably been there for ages since my poor posture and added weight onto my shoulder (with school bags and such). The final tutorials are done, everything is about finishing up our final assignments. For me, it is finishing everything that I have missed as well as the final assignments.
Around the later stages of October, I saw something that made me really think about where I am going in life:
My friends have finished Uni.
That single image of them at their final presentation gave me nothing but dread and sadness. I could have been at that stage but I fucked up. It is as simple as that. I could have pushed through the comments of people, I could have kept going through dealing with passings, and I could have dealt with all the awful roommates if I just passed through it all and got on the other side with them. Graduating. I still haven't fully accepted that it is all finished for them. I'm so unsure that I want to go to the VFX night in late November, because in the last one, I broke down into tears. I don't think I can do that again.
Some members of family and friends aren't going well either. My uncle is dealing with loneliness and depression, and my friend who was my music teacher has also got depression. It isn't great, but it gives me people who I can discuss my problems with and hear their problems as well. I feel like I need people who are willing to listen to issues like that, because I don't feel that with my current Uni friends. I feel more and more isolated with them. I honestly don't think that my friendship with them will last that much compared to you guys via here.
November will be painful to go through. Uni work, VFX night, seeing my friends finish. I don't think that I can really go on with this.
University is not in a good state at the moment. My energy has been focused in on one assignment, and the others, while being thought and planned, have had barely any attention put to them. Despite that, I have received the grade for one of the assignments handed up previously. A credit. Quite honestly, I expected myself to have that grade be simply a pass and that's it, something that I am fine with getting, despite people saying "GO FOR MORE, MORE THAN A PASS!". I simply just want to pass this year and that's it. I'm not aiming any higher than simply wanting to continue through to next year. I've been going to physio regularly on account of my dominant arm hurting immensely, to the point where one side of the arm has numbing down it's sensitivity. It honestly hurts to move my arm at times. There seems to be some sort of (for lack of a better word) clunk around in the shoulder joint, and it has probably been there for ages since my poor posture and added weight onto my shoulder (with school bags and such). The final tutorials are done, everything is about finishing up our final assignments. For me, it is finishing everything that I have missed as well as the final assignments.
Around the later stages of October, I saw something that made me really think about where I am going in life:
My friends have finished Uni.
That single image of them at their final presentation gave me nothing but dread and sadness. I could have been at that stage but I fucked up. It is as simple as that. I could have pushed through the comments of people, I could have kept going through dealing with passings, and I could have dealt with all the awful roommates if I just passed through it all and got on the other side with them. Graduating. I still haven't fully accepted that it is all finished for them. I'm so unsure that I want to go to the VFX night in late November, because in the last one, I broke down into tears. I don't think I can do that again.
Some members of family and friends aren't going well either. My uncle is dealing with loneliness and depression, and my friend who was my music teacher has also got depression. It isn't great, but it gives me people who I can discuss my problems with and hear their problems as well. I feel like I need people who are willing to listen to issues like that, because I don't feel that with my current Uni friends. I feel more and more isolated with them. I honestly don't think that my friendship with them will last that much compared to you guys via here.
November will be painful to go through. Uni work, VFX night, seeing my friends finish. I don't think that I can really go on with this.
