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That Feeling
4 years ago
Glimpse The Thoughts of Jack the Beaver
Today at the high school I am student teaching at a student killed themselves. They killed themselves and apparently other students found them. I am sitting here shaking, because I was out of the school ironically. I don't know who died, I don't know who found it, all I keep thinking is "Is it one of my students?"
When there is a tragedy or death and you don't have knowledge, it drives you insane. All you can think is about what you don't know. The police are investigating to confirm it was a suicide and when I found out I...thought something I really hated. I thought "Please be a suicide". Because if it isn't, it's a murder (apparently the death was unnatural, they've confirmed that) and it means another student is involved.
The feeling in the midst of a tragedy is frustration. You want more than you have, you want to find out everything, you want to know if it's your student and you are scared and upset to know that you'll be relieved if it's not your student. That's the worst part of it all, you hope that it's not your student. Because someone STILL died. And you hate yourself because if it's not yours, you'll feel relief even though someone has died.
I don't know anything right now. I'll be posting more when I find out.
When there is a tragedy or death and you don't have knowledge, it drives you insane. All you can think is about what you don't know. The police are investigating to confirm it was a suicide and when I found out I...thought something I really hated. I thought "Please be a suicide". Because if it isn't, it's a murder (apparently the death was unnatural, they've confirmed that) and it means another student is involved.
The feeling in the midst of a tragedy is frustration. You want more than you have, you want to find out everything, you want to know if it's your student and you are scared and upset to know that you'll be relieved if it's not your student. That's the worst part of it all, you hope that it's not your student. Because someone STILL died. And you hate yourself because if it's not yours, you'll feel relief even though someone has died.
I don't know anything right now. I'll be posting more when I find out.
It's not an uncommon frustration we all have, especially when the situation is directly or indirectly connected to us. Hey, even when it doesn't concern us, the unknown is both terrifying and annoying to have linger in our minds. It's definitely not something pleasant to realize the thoughts we think like that, but at the same time, you shouldn't completely blame yourself as the intention of the thought was clearly not out of malice, but of hope in humanity that it wasn't another adolescent that caused it. I don't know exactly what you thought of, but I can imagine it was out of concern as a teacher and hopeful that a life was not lost because of another's decision.
And I don't think many people would blame you for thinking as such. Sure, the people affected may think it's insensitive, but again, I think you didn't think that out of malice. It's like a parent hoping their child wasn't the one affected in some sort of accident. It's not that they desire someone else to be hurt, but rather not their own child. As a teacher, the students of your class take priority over the students of another teacher's class when concerning the entire school. I know there may be special occasions where you need to change that priority because of an exceptional situation, but that's besides the point I want to make.
Don't beat yourself up mentally because you thought of that in your mind. If anything, I think it's great you put the safety of your students first in this situation despite everything they've done against you. And it's not that you feel relief because someone else died, but it's because the ones you look over are safe. It's okay to feel and think both ways. It's okay to mourn the loss of a students life while being thankful for your own students' safety and health.
And I'm definitely not saying to get over it either. Death is not something you can or should get over so easily. I'm simply saying that if what you thought was not out of malice, there's no shame in thinking it. Unlike our writing, we're only human, so it's okay to act like one.
But I do hope you'll be alright in all of this. And I completely understand that not knowing things is frustrating and sickening to us, but I implore you to not dwell too much on it either. I'm not saying "It's not connected to you, so you shouldn't be concerned about it". You shouldn't drive yourself into anxiety if you can't help the situation, but it's okay to keep an open eye about it in case there is a development in it. It's how I feel like whenever there's a car accident on the road. I force myself not to indulge in my morbid curiosity and rubberneck, but at the same time, keeping myself from stressing out knowing I can't do anything about it while my heart goes out for those involved.
I'm not claiming to be the best answer to everything, but I hope this second thought helps even just a tiny bit. And if you ever what to talk or vent out more, feel free to!