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The State of the Kitsune, Dec 2021
4 years ago
wosh u hands
So it's been about half a year since I last wrote a journal huh?
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44897177/
Just gonna link this here for ease of reference. Let's start there. Pronouns and identity. I explain pronouns in that piece. But there's some more.
Namely, Therian, what is that? Another link. Luca, has always been me. I've been thinking about this for most of the year in fact, that she's me. But, I never made the corollary connection until a few months after that journal. That if she's me, then I'm her, in turn. We are one and the same. There is really no separate entity between us. This reads like potential system/DID talk. And I've had that self conversation more than once over the years. Even before I knew any of my friends were plural.
And in all that time. I've always come back to the same conclusion. That it's all just me. And that me just happens to be a kitsune that the world perceives as a human shaped AMAB girl. VRchat has helped me figure this out. Pet play as well. Socializing, kink, they all just tie into who I am and how I am. I get phantom touch sensations in VRchat and over text. I can feel *my* ears (as in, the kitsune ones) wiggle every so often. There's a lot there. But the point being. I've always been a kitsune ever since I settled into the general shape you see.
Which leads me into the next bits.
Some of y'all have seen a shift in content from me. From shy and submissive, to assertive and dominant. Turns out I'm a Switch. Progesterone has helped me with self confidence a LOT. I feel, proper. Right, correct. I feel like *me* now. And in that, I've made self discoveries, that I can be a teasing domme, or just as easily be a puddle of blush in the presence of the right person or right touch. So, that's pretty cool.
Partners! I have more than one. I've always been open to the idea to be honest, I was just single for the past 5 years or so. But, I have a local girlfriend now. Her name is Sammy (no relation to the fruit stripe gum lookin cat who's Pandora the artist cats partner.) She's on twitter. It's a funny story how I met her. It was June or so? Started talking to a roommate of hers on grindr. Then her (said roommate)'s partner. And one of them mentioned their roommate knew of me. She's a bab too. And long story short, I go to meet the girl roommate, as well as at least say hi to Sammy and tease and be mom like and all. And I'm just kinda instantly smitten. And she took a liking to me as well. A month later, we made it official that we were dating.
And since then I've... gotten 4 more partners. Talking to another girl on twitter, we connect about things. Her partner likes me as well.. and I get asked into the polycule they're already in. Same thing when it comes to Jenna & Steph (they're partners in a separate polycule.) So that happened somehow, and I am ok with this. It's nice.
Things I mention... I'm working through therapy now. I've talked about it on twitter. But I haven't said much here. So, this is where it's gonna get a bit heavy without to much detail, but, TW starts here.
TW - CSA, ptsd, abuse talk
I've had some. Less pleasant memories I never talk about for various reasons. That I hid and suppressed, some of them for decades. I started thinking about them earlier this year when the situation with Tato happened. And how I've been accused of some things.
And I'm in a place now. Where I can start dealing with them. With my past trauma. Chief amongst them being relevant here, that I was unfortunately a CSA victim growing up. Which honestly still affects me to this day. I've also had to deal with both Complex and "normal" post-traumatic stress disorder, over various things. The PTSD particular comes from the CSA thing. As well as something else. The complex bits, from growing up with mental abuse from my mother, and the whole stalker situation with the second life trolls, to ED, to kfarms now. That's been a lurking annoyance threat for about 15 years now.
TW ends
So. I've been talking to a therapist about things. I'm taking antidepressants now. And I realized I still have ADHD that I thought I grew out of before I finished grade school. That was a mistake, lol.
But, in my years since then. I've done research off and on. I feel I know myself well enough to make an educated guess on things. So with my closing out this journal. One final thought remains.
I've done a lot of thinking and introspection. I've always wondered why I felt "different" and off. And honestly? I think I'm Autistic. I've also talked about this at length on twitter. And I'm open to talking about most of this in private. But, autism would explain a lot of things. A lot more than I have room for here to even begin talking about. But it explains why I relate to certain people and friends so well. This isn't a statement I make lightly. Nor do I make this assumption to make excuses for anything, nor to belittle anyone else. This is all to do with me.
I'm trying to save the money to get proper testing as an adult to be sure. Because once I've set my mind on something, I want to be sure. And this is something I'm just as sure of as I was when I figured out I was trans all along.
I've talked about it on twitter. But I've been anxious to talk about it here. In part because I know several people have used "but I'm autistic!" as an excuse to be shitty people. And I've never wanted to associate with acting like that. So my research was always quiet. But I've done my due diligence. I know myself and my own history better than any doctor or therapist does. I never talked about the trauma up above until this year, for one. With any friends, much less a professional. I hope it doesn't come across as me hopping on some "self diagnosis" trend, but rather a place of honest understanding and desire to know for my own sake.
If you've read all this so far? Thank you, I appreciate it.
In lighter, happier news. I have my new social security card. With the right name. My name and info are updated with the local dept of health. I just need to order a new birth certificate. (Why they couldn't just mail me one I don't know... thanks Ohio. Thanks small taxes on being trans.) Such is life.
Y'all can still call me Luca, or Renée. The names apply still. Depending on who you are, mom/milf also works.
Til next time the stars align and our paths cross again and I write another journal.
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/44897177/
Just gonna link this here for ease of reference. Let's start there. Pronouns and identity. I explain pronouns in that piece. But there's some more.
Namely, Therian, what is that? Another link. Luca, has always been me. I've been thinking about this for most of the year in fact, that she's me. But, I never made the corollary connection until a few months after that journal. That if she's me, then I'm her, in turn. We are one and the same. There is really no separate entity between us. This reads like potential system/DID talk. And I've had that self conversation more than once over the years. Even before I knew any of my friends were plural.
And in all that time. I've always come back to the same conclusion. That it's all just me. And that me just happens to be a kitsune that the world perceives as a human shaped AMAB girl. VRchat has helped me figure this out. Pet play as well. Socializing, kink, they all just tie into who I am and how I am. I get phantom touch sensations in VRchat and over text. I can feel *my* ears (as in, the kitsune ones) wiggle every so often. There's a lot there. But the point being. I've always been a kitsune ever since I settled into the general shape you see.
Which leads me into the next bits.
Some of y'all have seen a shift in content from me. From shy and submissive, to assertive and dominant. Turns out I'm a Switch. Progesterone has helped me with self confidence a LOT. I feel, proper. Right, correct. I feel like *me* now. And in that, I've made self discoveries, that I can be a teasing domme, or just as easily be a puddle of blush in the presence of the right person or right touch. So, that's pretty cool.
Partners! I have more than one. I've always been open to the idea to be honest, I was just single for the past 5 years or so. But, I have a local girlfriend now. Her name is Sammy (no relation to the fruit stripe gum lookin cat who's Pandora the artist cats partner.) She's on twitter. It's a funny story how I met her. It was June or so? Started talking to a roommate of hers on grindr. Then her (said roommate)'s partner. And one of them mentioned their roommate knew of me. She's a bab too. And long story short, I go to meet the girl roommate, as well as at least say hi to Sammy and tease and be mom like and all. And I'm just kinda instantly smitten. And she took a liking to me as well. A month later, we made it official that we were dating.
And since then I've... gotten 4 more partners. Talking to another girl on twitter, we connect about things. Her partner likes me as well.. and I get asked into the polycule they're already in. Same thing when it comes to Jenna & Steph (they're partners in a separate polycule.) So that happened somehow, and I am ok with this. It's nice.
Things I mention... I'm working through therapy now. I've talked about it on twitter. But I haven't said much here. So, this is where it's gonna get a bit heavy without to much detail, but, TW starts here.
TW - CSA, ptsd, abuse talk
I've had some. Less pleasant memories I never talk about for various reasons. That I hid and suppressed, some of them for decades. I started thinking about them earlier this year when the situation with Tato happened. And how I've been accused of some things.
And I'm in a place now. Where I can start dealing with them. With my past trauma. Chief amongst them being relevant here, that I was unfortunately a CSA victim growing up. Which honestly still affects me to this day. I've also had to deal with both Complex and "normal" post-traumatic stress disorder, over various things. The PTSD particular comes from the CSA thing. As well as something else. The complex bits, from growing up with mental abuse from my mother, and the whole stalker situation with the second life trolls, to ED, to kfarms now. That's been a lurking annoyance threat for about 15 years now.
TW ends
So. I've been talking to a therapist about things. I'm taking antidepressants now. And I realized I still have ADHD that I thought I grew out of before I finished grade school. That was a mistake, lol.
But, in my years since then. I've done research off and on. I feel I know myself well enough to make an educated guess on things. So with my closing out this journal. One final thought remains.
I've done a lot of thinking and introspection. I've always wondered why I felt "different" and off. And honestly? I think I'm Autistic. I've also talked about this at length on twitter. And I'm open to talking about most of this in private. But, autism would explain a lot of things. A lot more than I have room for here to even begin talking about. But it explains why I relate to certain people and friends so well. This isn't a statement I make lightly. Nor do I make this assumption to make excuses for anything, nor to belittle anyone else. This is all to do with me.
I'm trying to save the money to get proper testing as an adult to be sure. Because once I've set my mind on something, I want to be sure. And this is something I'm just as sure of as I was when I figured out I was trans all along.
I've talked about it on twitter. But I've been anxious to talk about it here. In part because I know several people have used "but I'm autistic!" as an excuse to be shitty people. And I've never wanted to associate with acting like that. So my research was always quiet. But I've done my due diligence. I know myself and my own history better than any doctor or therapist does. I never talked about the trauma up above until this year, for one. With any friends, much less a professional. I hope it doesn't come across as me hopping on some "self diagnosis" trend, but rather a place of honest understanding and desire to know for my own sake.
If you've read all this so far? Thank you, I appreciate it.
In lighter, happier news. I have my new social security card. With the right name. My name and info are updated with the local dept of health. I just need to order a new birth certificate. (Why they couldn't just mail me one I don't know... thanks Ohio. Thanks small taxes on being trans.) Such is life.
Y'all can still call me Luca, or Renée. The names apply still. Depending on who you are, mom/milf also works.
Til next time the stars align and our paths cross again and I write another journal.
Tigerdemigod
~tigerdemigod
Personal study on the final subject matter. Autism and Transgenderism have a link. It doesn't mean every Autistic person is trans an vice versa. But the chances are far higher. 3 times higher. If you have autism you are 3 times as likely to be trans an vice versa as well.
Luca Shoal
~lucashoal
OP
I have heard that several times! And honestly, I can see it tracking for me. A lot of my friends are either trans or neurodivergent, most of them are both. (4 of 5 of my partners are both, even. Steph is cis, but definitely ND as well.) I think all of us are somewhere on the spectrum. Not in the gross "everyone is a little bit autistic *smiley face*" way that well meaning but incorrect NT folk say. But, legitimately so. I'm just "lucky" in that I can at least hold down a steady job cooking and live comfortably enough. It's just the social side of things that gives me trouble. Especially at work. There's a reason I don't talk much at work though.
Lucky indeed my trans-sister. It's so damn difficult for me to work. Being around groups of ppl makes go into depression immediately an try to get away.
Luca Shoal
~lucashoal
OP
ugh, mood on depression. I can relate. I've been cooking almost all my life though so I'm used to the noises of a kitchen. It's just the noise of *people* that can be troublesome, namely when they argue...
ForbiddenFruit
~forbiddenfruit
Hoping that your recovery continues <3
It took me until literally like a year ago to realize I was autistic too. It suddenly made so many things in my life I just assumed were me being a fucked-up weirdo make perfect sense. I'm still a bit mad my family just left me to suffer alone throughout my childhood and constantly get into trouble because I had no support structure or way to understand myself...but oh well, I guess.
