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[CW: sui] My entire life is cascading into the abyss
3 years ago
I don't know what else to say. I was not expecting that off my antidepressants I would become a truly inconsolable waste. I have lost all motivation to do anything. I go to bed at 5AM, wake up at 10AM, and then spend four hours in bed until 2PM because I have zero motivation or drive. I can't get new meds until literally fucking February. I have no focus to do anything because I don't have my adhd meds which I also cannot get until February.
My dad is endlessly badgering me about going to college and accruing more debt for no reason even though I flunked and dropped out twice. I'm so tired of being cornered for nearly hour-long lectures from him where he just makes me miserable by interrogating me like a lawyer (he is one) as if he and my mom aren't half the reason I'm in this fucking misery to begin with
I don't know what to do. Everything is truly the worst it has ever been. My life has never been this shitty, this miserable, this hopeless. All my previous rants and vents mean nothing. This is absolutely rock bottom. I have no future, no drive, no anything. My life now consists of zoning out in front of my computer until 4 in the morning and then doing it again. I barely even listen to music or whatever. I have never been closer to actually truly contemplating suicide than I have been right now. No joke. I'm not quite there, but I am truly just at my limit here. I have no job, no future, no drive, no anything. I'm trapped in a shitty home that actively hates me with two godawful parents who are only driving me further into this abyss day by day (and whose indignation at me being like this and attempts to "help" only make it worse) and zero chance or opportunity to get out. I couldn't get my meds because I lost my job. I can't get a new job because I lost my fucking meds. I can't do my own hobbies to take my mind off the pain because I DON'T HAVE MY FUCKING MEDS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
this is like the third journal I've made on this topic but i'm sorry it's just getting worse and worse every single day, my life has always fucking sucked but it truly is just cascading down into the deepest darkest void right now, worse than it ever has
i want my meds back so bad
i fucking hate this goddamn country
i want to cry so fucking bad everything sucks and I hate literally every waking second of my life
My dad is endlessly badgering me about going to college and accruing more debt for no reason even though I flunked and dropped out twice. I'm so tired of being cornered for nearly hour-long lectures from him where he just makes me miserable by interrogating me like a lawyer (he is one) as if he and my mom aren't half the reason I'm in this fucking misery to begin with
I don't know what to do. Everything is truly the worst it has ever been. My life has never been this shitty, this miserable, this hopeless. All my previous rants and vents mean nothing. This is absolutely rock bottom. I have no future, no drive, no anything. My life now consists of zoning out in front of my computer until 4 in the morning and then doing it again. I barely even listen to music or whatever. I have never been closer to actually truly contemplating suicide than I have been right now. No joke. I'm not quite there, but I am truly just at my limit here. I have no job, no future, no drive, no anything. I'm trapped in a shitty home that actively hates me with two godawful parents who are only driving me further into this abyss day by day (and whose indignation at me being like this and attempts to "help" only make it worse) and zero chance or opportunity to get out. I couldn't get my meds because I lost my job. I can't get a new job because I lost my fucking meds. I can't do my own hobbies to take my mind off the pain because I DON'T HAVE MY FUCKING MEDS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
this is like the third journal I've made on this topic but i'm sorry it's just getting worse and worse every single day, my life has always fucking sucked but it truly is just cascading down into the deepest darkest void right now, worse than it ever has
i want my meds back so bad
i fucking hate this goddamn country
i want to cry so fucking bad everything sucks and I hate literally every waking second of my life
1. Tell your parents about your whole situation. Don’t hold anything back.
2. Try and hang in there.
3. Don’t be afraid to talk to all of your friends. Do it slowly, ask them questions, ask them for help and guidance. It’s okay to ask the people that care about you.
I hope this helps! I’m in a depressive mood to, because I tend to get so much sympathy for someone that it literally hurts that I can’t help everyone. But I’m trying my best. Your going to be okay.