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December 2021: From Downhill to Level Ground
4 years ago
Hi,
So, here it ends. 2021. One of the worst years that I have experienced so far, and I'm not holding my breath that 2022 will be any better, considering the things that will follow on from this retched year. Not only that but it is an even-numbered year. Since 2012, every even-numbered year from that point forward has been one of the hardest years to go through, until 2019, where it became every year. This month has been hard to detail, not for any personal reason, more due to the method that I am typing this journal on.
Let's start with a positive. I patched things up with my father. The pure anger and annoyance that the Urgent Mental Health Clinic left me with ended up with my yelling at my Dad for things that he missed. Birthdays and things that I have wanted to do with him for years. During the start of the month, I ignored phone calls with my family as I was not ready to talk to the both after that moment. I wanted to just distance myself from people. After a few days, they arrived to where I was, as my brother was seeing my University for a special course which he wants to do. My honest hope is that he gets it, but most importantly, gets the support he needs as he has autism. I didn't talk to them much when they took my out to lunch, but as the day progressed, I felt at ease, and we apologised to each other.
Throughout the month, I managed to just hang out with a friend. Just one. I thought it would be better for my mental health if I just saw one, especially after the parties in November. It was their birthday the day before I saw them, and I was given an invite to their party. I honestly don't know why still to this day why I was invited. I only met them for three days, months apart. But I felt like I still owed them a gift. They enjoyed it, even though the gift was so simple and silly. I wasn't going to stay long. I was just going to be there for the short moment of giving them a gift then leave, but I ended up being there long enough to fully explain why I wasn't going to stay. For what like a long while, I had someone finally truly understand the issues I was having mentally with the friend group. Then they explained that they had issues, detailing some recklessness and sexism with one of the members of the group. I talked about how left out I was feeling, and they were surprised by why they simply couldn't add me with their activities and sessions.
Though the second time I met up with the friend, they mentioned something else I wasn't invited to.
Three times.
The Messenger group.
The D&D session.
And now, the Kris Kringle event.
That didn't make things any better with that feeling of divide, though my anxiety was happy knowing that the fear and paranoia that flooded my mind was right. They don't care. I'm replaceable.
I sincerely think that after I give one of them one of the birthday gifts that was late, I'm just going to head out. I'm considering not going to their graduation, but that idea is still up in the air.
Uni is now finished. The final assignment that I sent them honestly made me happy knowing that I could fail on that assignment, as if it was the final note I leave on. Something that is flawed so badly, textures and files not working, but I had fun editing. The comfort that the mere concept of ending Uni on that assignment was a delight. That delight stopped when I heard from my course coordinator that I would pass. I wanted to end this so, so badly. I had given up, I was fatigued, I had several sleepless nights working at the Uni throughout the year that I just wanted to leave and not come back. And then it turned out that my course coordinator didn't get his facts right, and it turns out that one of my subjects is close to a fail. They have given me something to pass it, something that I will do regardless. Not that I want to, but because I'll have my mother watching over me like a hawk.
Throughout the month, I have worried that I have contracted COVID, and the fear grew more since a few cases was around where I had been with my friend and around where I live. The fear of it is growing since going to a family event. I am going to take a COVID test wherever I can to get a clear result, but even that is a unknown sign since some reports had been false during this month.
The events near the end of the year have been hard to really discuss. My family gathering was decent, despite me being too nervous to say anything. Seeing my brother in person was good. Where we are staying for the Christmas holidays was good. Meeting some sea lions ended up being lacklustre as it was basically 5 hours of being on a boat, and 3 minutes actually seeing sea lions. My brother becoming incredibly aggressive, calling me slurs, even getting me to breaking point where I was going to try and slap him, only for him to claw me with his fingernails enough to cut me wasn't a highlight. For any of us. At the current time, everything is settled for now.
So, now it is the end. And here I am, sunburnt and fatigued, wondering how my cases of COVID in both home town and city are awaiting to be discovered after New Years, hoping that you had a better year than I had. I am still grateful that I had at least one day that was purely good. And it was the most basic joys that I could have had. I was so happy that day. I was beaming with joy underneath my mask. And all it was was a phone call from a friend.
I'm not holding my breath that maybe next year will be good, because I know that it won't for me. I just hope that you all have a good year next year. I hope that you are all safe, you, your friends, families, and I hope that 2022 will be a year of good luck and fortune for you all.
Until then...
...I'll see you next year.
Let's start with a positive. I patched things up with my father. The pure anger and annoyance that the Urgent Mental Health Clinic left me with ended up with my yelling at my Dad for things that he missed. Birthdays and things that I have wanted to do with him for years. During the start of the month, I ignored phone calls with my family as I was not ready to talk to the both after that moment. I wanted to just distance myself from people. After a few days, they arrived to where I was, as my brother was seeing my University for a special course which he wants to do. My honest hope is that he gets it, but most importantly, gets the support he needs as he has autism. I didn't talk to them much when they took my out to lunch, but as the day progressed, I felt at ease, and we apologised to each other.
Throughout the month, I managed to just hang out with a friend. Just one. I thought it would be better for my mental health if I just saw one, especially after the parties in November. It was their birthday the day before I saw them, and I was given an invite to their party. I honestly don't know why still to this day why I was invited. I only met them for three days, months apart. But I felt like I still owed them a gift. They enjoyed it, even though the gift was so simple and silly. I wasn't going to stay long. I was just going to be there for the short moment of giving them a gift then leave, but I ended up being there long enough to fully explain why I wasn't going to stay. For what like a long while, I had someone finally truly understand the issues I was having mentally with the friend group. Then they explained that they had issues, detailing some recklessness and sexism with one of the members of the group. I talked about how left out I was feeling, and they were surprised by why they simply couldn't add me with their activities and sessions.
Though the second time I met up with the friend, they mentioned something else I wasn't invited to.
Three times.
The Messenger group.
The D&D session.
And now, the Kris Kringle event.
That didn't make things any better with that feeling of divide, though my anxiety was happy knowing that the fear and paranoia that flooded my mind was right. They don't care. I'm replaceable.
I sincerely think that after I give one of them one of the birthday gifts that was late, I'm just going to head out. I'm considering not going to their graduation, but that idea is still up in the air.
Uni is now finished. The final assignment that I sent them honestly made me happy knowing that I could fail on that assignment, as if it was the final note I leave on. Something that is flawed so badly, textures and files not working, but I had fun editing. The comfort that the mere concept of ending Uni on that assignment was a delight. That delight stopped when I heard from my course coordinator that I would pass. I wanted to end this so, so badly. I had given up, I was fatigued, I had several sleepless nights working at the Uni throughout the year that I just wanted to leave and not come back. And then it turned out that my course coordinator didn't get his facts right, and it turns out that one of my subjects is close to a fail. They have given me something to pass it, something that I will do regardless. Not that I want to, but because I'll have my mother watching over me like a hawk.
Throughout the month, I have worried that I have contracted COVID, and the fear grew more since a few cases was around where I had been with my friend and around where I live. The fear of it is growing since going to a family event. I am going to take a COVID test wherever I can to get a clear result, but even that is a unknown sign since some reports had been false during this month.
The events near the end of the year have been hard to really discuss. My family gathering was decent, despite me being too nervous to say anything. Seeing my brother in person was good. Where we are staying for the Christmas holidays was good. Meeting some sea lions ended up being lacklustre as it was basically 5 hours of being on a boat, and 3 minutes actually seeing sea lions. My brother becoming incredibly aggressive, calling me slurs, even getting me to breaking point where I was going to try and slap him, only for him to claw me with his fingernails enough to cut me wasn't a highlight. For any of us. At the current time, everything is settled for now.
So, now it is the end. And here I am, sunburnt and fatigued, wondering how my cases of COVID in both home town and city are awaiting to be discovered after New Years, hoping that you had a better year than I had. I am still grateful that I had at least one day that was purely good. And it was the most basic joys that I could have had. I was so happy that day. I was beaming with joy underneath my mask. And all it was was a phone call from a friend.
I'm not holding my breath that maybe next year will be good, because I know that it won't for me. I just hope that you all have a good year next year. I hope that you are all safe, you, your friends, families, and I hope that 2022 will be a year of good luck and fortune for you all.
Until then...
...I'll see you next year.
Dominus tecum