i was going to go out and enjoy friends.... but my anxiety took over and now I get to spend another day trapped inside staring at a computer screen wondering where my life went wrong. Just... I feel like i've spent my entire life staring at a computer screen and every time I feel i can run away and be better I just end up hiding. I mean dear god, I was too afraid to be in public because I have cringe. Such deep self loathing and cringe. I hate myself. I hate everything I am. Everything I stand for. I hate what a weak and pathetic thing I am. It's new years eve. It's new years... and I don't even want to see the new year. What is it going to offer me besides a loss of health insurance? What is it going to offer besides more anxiety over my finacial state? I can't die yet. But once march is over I can commit suicide. I can die. The cosign period will be up and the debt falls solely on me.

My new year comes in march. So.... once march comes I don't have to bother anymore. And for that I'm relieved. All I want is to die so I can retire from this life and be done with it. Maybe the next one can actually have a happy life for a change. Because I haven't had a good life in a while it seems.