Well, where do I begin? I can't comprehend how i'm only 4 days into the new year, and it's already the absolute worst it could have ever gone to me. Mental health has just plummeted, and I can't even visit a doctor for it for reasons that will be explained later in my rant.

It began at the end of last year. Two of my best friends fell out for reasons I won't bother you with, and I of course, trying to make it better and get them back together, went and made it worse by pushing both sides to try and forgive each other. That didn't work, and now I'm in a situation where I have to pick one or the other to hang out with when we used to spend a lot of our time together. absolutely peachy, At the beginning of the year, it pretty much confirmed for good that there's no saving it, and I can't help but blame myself for sticking my nose where it didn't belong, instead of letting it heal over time. I just miss all the good times we had together. I have come to terms with respecting their wishes, but even though it's only been a few days, I still think back at times and it's an instant mood killer.

Fast forward to yesterday, and things get worse again. Had a bad morning of feeling down and unable to do anything. I was reflecting over the fact that I have no job, still live in this house where I am not happy, and live off of my income from my disability allowance. It gives me a very disposable income, but it does not bring happiness. not at all. I'd much rather be healthy and have a job, and my own place. Thankfully later, my friends managed to cheer me up, but unfortunately, my night was ruined when my sister came home from her work. She'd been away at in a different city for a few months now for said contract work. I do not get along with her at all, she's narcissistic, very loud, and is the type to talk over you so you can never explain herself. She is the type who must win an argument no matter what, either by guilt tripping, or as I said, raising her volume to interrupt you so you can't be heard. Screw her. Once again though, my friends managed to cheer me up and make me feel better. It's a shame, that I feel much more comfortable talking to my close friends than my own family to feel better. I used to be able to talk to my grandparents when I was younger to cheer up, but... they're sadly gone for a few years now. I really miss them. Even have dreams about them still being alive at times...

And then this morning? Things take an even more drastic turn for the worse. My sister somehow managed to bring covid into the house, even though she claimed that she took a test and tested negative every day she was at work. While I have had 3 different vaccines, this came at the worst possible time, as on the 30th of december, I just had an infusion for my disability. The infusion greatly slows the progression of said disability, but at a side effect of weakening your immune system. The doctors advise me every time I have said infusion to avoid crowded places, preferably staying at home for at least a month to be as safe as I can be until my immune system is strong enough to make covid not a threat. But now i'm in a shit position. nowhere to go and having to be as paranoid and as safe as I can be to minimise any risk at all. To make things worse, I wanted to visit a doctor to get a talk about my mental health, perhaps go back on antidepressants like I was for a few months at the end of 2020. But now because of my sister, I can't. Oh, and she didn't apologise at all for bringing Covid into the house by the way.


so now, I'm in a situation where my mental health is nonexistant, and I'm at serious risk of my body being harmed despite being as safe as I could possibly be for these past 2 years. I'm genuinely at the lowest i've ever felt and I just don't know what I can do. Sorry for the rant, I didn't think i'd ever make a journal for anything like this, but I'm just finding it harder and harder to go on with myself when everything just gets worse and worse for me. I'm even struggling to do what I used to do for entertainment, being videogames or watching anime / animated series. I just can't find joy in anything right now and haven't been able to ever since I finished a game I really enjoyed (in only 3 days) that I got for Christmas...